Nobody wants to hear the old hits when a band reforms – they want to hear an album of new songs, all written by some millionaire pensioners.
Better still, they want that album to feature the guitarist, the bassist and the dead drummer’s son with no singer in sight, right? Because nothing rocks harder than an album of instrumentals containing lengthy bass solos as performed by some painfully old men. Right?
Good, because that seems to be what Led Zeppelin are cooking up. It must be true, because the dead drummer’s son said so.
When Led Zeppelin reformed at the O2 stadium last year, some people got a little bit excited. It was just like the old days, they said, except that the member of the band seemed to be aging faster than the Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. It was like The Beatles reforming, they said, but only if someone had shot Ringo instead of John Lennon.
Following their show, Led Zeppelin could have toured the world a hundred times over and got rich enough to shove ten mudsharks up the fannies of every woman on the planet. But it wasn’t to be, because Robert Plant wanted to tour his fiddle-di-dee country album instead.
Maybe Led Leppelin will go on tour at some point, but don’t worry because Jimmy Page apparently has a two-part interim plan that goes as follows:
1) Introduce the British Olympics to the world by playing Whole Lotta Love with a girl off a talent show while pulling a face that makes it look as you’re being sucked off by a giant snail.
2) Record a new Led Zeppelin album.
Since part one has already been dealt with – and by the way, great job Jimmy, you really pulled off the facial expression part perfectly – that just leaves part two. Which is really happening. Or might be happening. Look, it probably isn’t happening, but don’t tell Jason Bonham because it looks as though he’s got his heart set on it. According to BBC News:
Led Zeppelin musicians Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and Jason Bonham have been working on new material. Drummer Bonham told a radio station in Detroit that the songs could be destined for a new Led Zeppelin album. But lead singer Robert Plant has not been involved in any of the sessions, he added… “When I get there [in the studio] I never ask any questions. If I get a phone call to go and play, I enjoy every moment of it.”
Great, so there might be a new Led Zeppelin album coming out, but there probably won’t be and even if there is it won’t have Robert Plant wailing about Mordor all over it. That sounds excellent. No, really.
But listen. If this album is really happening, it’s incredibly important that you get Robert Plant back in the fold. Because otherwise you’ll have to find another singer to take his place. And you know who’s interested? Paolo Nutini.
No, we didn’t think you’d want that either.
Sarah says
it was a red snapper, not a mudshark…still disgusting, though.
Matt says
I think they were saying Robert Plant wasn’t involved just quite yet. He’ll be there eventually, I’m sure.
J Bollocks says
What’s wrong with giant snails? Especially the cuter 18yr old girly ones, mmmnnnn!
donkeyballs says
Could Paolo Nutini really do a worse job than Leona Lewis?!
Brian Hutch says
Stuart Heritage you can shove it up your ass. Your an idiot, anything written by Led Zeppelin with or without Plant is better than what you can do. Your piece of shit.
marcus bradley nestor says
Stuart Heritage has something negative to say about Led Zeppelin??? I AM SHOCKED. since he has always written so fairly and itelligently about them…stuart you are a turd and everyone knows you prefer asian boy bands and top 10 hip – hop, to serious rock. stick to something you know, like R.Kelly reviews, or where to get a good, limber, disease free thai house boy without having to get his papers cleared, you know BINNY BOYS,or mariah carey, something you could speak about with passion, focus and clarity.
Keith says
Plant will be on his way to join his mates, he just does not like to be pressured.They have nothing to prove to anyone, do it when you wanna lol.
lz says
well if there is a new album on the way, one thing is for sure…
it will kick major ass!!!
DROB says
well to all of you self righteous zeppelin fans out there putting down the author of this article, let me remind you of something. jimmy page and john paul jones without john bonham and robert plant, aren’t led zeppelin, they’re jimmy page; and john paul jones. for those of you that think this album will be any good, take an opinion from someone who claims zepp as his favorite band, this album will suck balls. sure they got on stage and felt the magic for a few hours, but who wouldn’t. this isn’t the time for a new zeppelin album, it would be like presence on crack, which is a terrible thing if you didn’t take that from context clues.
Sweetness says
Seriously….who told you that you’re funny?
Paulie Walnuts says
Robert Plant has turned into an old bitty – that’s why he won’t reform Led Zep.
It’s pretty sad……………