New Led Zeppelin Album! Soon! Kind Of! But Not Really!

Nobody wants to hear the old hits when a band reforms - they want to hear an album of new songs, all written by some millionaire pensioners.

Better still, they want that album to feature the guitarist, the bassist and the dead drummer’s son with no singer in sight, right? Because nothing rocks harder than an album of instrumentals containing lengthy bass solos as performed by some painfully old men. Right?

Good, because that seems to be what Led Zeppelin are cooking up. It must be true, because the dead drummer’s son said so.

When Led Zeppelin reformed at the O2 stadium last year, some people got a little bit excited. It was just like the old days, they said, except that the member of the band seemed to be aging faster than the Nazi at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. It was like The Beatles reforming, they said, but only if someone had shot Ringo instead of John Lennon.

Following their show, Led Zeppelin could have toured the world a hundred times over and got rich enough to shove ten mudsharks up the fannies of every woman on the planet. But it wasn’t to be, because Robert Plant wanted to tour his fiddle-di-dee country album instead.

Maybe Led Leppelin will go on tour at some point, but don’t worry because Jimmy Page apparently has a two-part interim plan that goes as follows:

1) Introduce the British Olympics to the world by playing Whole Lotta Love with a girl off a talent show while pulling a face that makes it look as you’re being sucked off by a giant snail.

2) Record a new Led Zeppelin album.

Since part one has already been dealt with - and by the way, great job Jimmy, you really pulled off the facial expression part perfectly - that just leaves part two. Which is really happening. Or might be happening. Look, it probably isn’t happening, but don’t tell Jason Bonham because it looks as though he’s got his heart set on it. According to BBC News:

Led Zeppelin musicians Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and Jason Bonham have been working on new material. Drummer Bonham told a radio station in Detroit that the songs could be destined for a new Led Zeppelin album. But lead singer Robert Plant has not been involved in any of the sessions, he added… “When I get there [in the studio] I never ask any questions. If I get a phone call to go and play, I enjoy every moment of it.”

Great, so there might be a new Led Zeppelin album coming out, but there probably won’t be and even if there is it won’t have Robert Plant wailing about Mordor all over it. That sounds excellent. No, really.

But listen. If this album is really happening, it’s incredibly important that you get Robert Plant back in the fold. Because otherwise you’ll have to find another singer to take his place. And you know who’s interested? Paolo Nutini.

No, we didn’t think you’d want that either.