Such was the anticipation of Led Zeppelin's comeback that they could have just dicked around on a massive piano like Tom Hanks in Big and broadsheet music reviewers would have jizzed themselves silly, but the chances of Led Zeppelin taking the show on the road have been ruined thanks to Robert Plant suddenly announcing a tour next year with Alison Krauss. But Zeppelin fans shouldn't get too downhearted – to make up for it, The Cheeky Girls have decided to go on a Led Zeppelin-themed world stadium tour where they'll perform hits like Ramble On (Touch My Bum), Dazed And Confused (Touch My Bum) and, of course, a largely-improvised 45-minute version of How Many More Times (Touch My Bum).
You might not have realised this, but a band called Led Zeppelin played some sort of concert this week. It was a fairly low-key affair, and coverage was only limited to every newspaper, magazine, website, TV show, radio programme and human thought in the world, with a ticket application process that was capped somewhere in the low trillions.
The reviews for Monday's concert were uniformly ecstatic, and it doesn't take a genius to realise that if Led Zeppelin were to follow it up with a world tour, they'd be able to charge whatever ticket prices they wanted and people would pay just so they could say that they've see them, even though they'd just be spending their money to watch a bunch of old men screech about orcs.
And prospects for the tour were looking good – Led Zeppelin had even picked out a support act for the tour , even if it was The Cult – but suddenly they've run into a wall. Because instead of circling the world in a luxury private jet ramming different species of marine wildlife up various girls' vaginas, Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant has decided that he'd rather tour the fiddle-de-dee album he's made with Alison Krauss instead.
That's not a bad thing – some of the album sounds thrillingly like a mix between Viva Voce and Brightblack Morning Light – but Robert Plant's decision has probably cost the rest of Led Zeppelin millions of pounds each, which will at least give Jimmy Page more reason to get all stroppy with websites that sell his merchandise without his permission.
However, that might not be it entirely for Led Zeppelin – rumours are abound that the band will reform again and again, for shows at Glastonbury and Madison Square Garden and the like. But those Led Zeppelin shows will be equally hard to get tickets for, leaving many of the band's fans unable to see them yet again.
Not that there isn't a workaround, though – and we recommend that unlucky Led Zeppelin fans just smash a nail through the foot of the nearest old man they can find, the effect of which will partially replicate the band's vocals, at least.