What’s the fashion world’s problem with Jews? Seriously. John Galliano recently went nutso about our Jewish cousins, and now, people are accusing the ghost of Coco Chanel of being a massive Jew hater.

See, there’s this book out which points at the fashion legend while mouthing the words “Nazi sympathiser”.

In fact, it’s suggested that she wasn’t so much sympathetic, but actually a proper Nazi, collaborating with them during World War II as a spy code-named “Westminster.” So that means, by our reckoning, that if you have Chanel anything, you may as well go and defecate in a Synagogue during Shabbat.

In some book, which no-one will bother reading because we all prefer looking at pervy .gifs on various Tumblrs, called ‘Sleeping With The Enemy: Coco Chanel’s Secret War’, some fella called Hal Vaughan claims that Coco was a Nazi spy while sucking off a German officer called Hans Gunther von Dincklage.

Hur. Dincklage.

In this book, it is claimed that  Chanel was deeply anti-Semitic:

“Chanel was more than just a Nazi sympathizer and collaborator. She was a numbered Nazi agent working for Abwehr, Germany’s military intelligence agency”

Chanel had an Abwehr agent number apparently. F-7124, codename “Westminster”, should you want to know/name your rubbish indie band after something vaguely edgy ironic.

Of course, the Chanel fashion house (or should that be ‘Haus’?) is trying to pour cold water all over these claims by shouting ‘BUT SOME OF HER FRIENDS WERE JEWISH, SILLY!’

They might as well say ‘Yes. She’s as racist as they come’. It’s also worth pointing out that the Nazi’s really did have very well tailored suits too.

So if you have anything by Chanel or, indeed, any clothes which may have been even slightly influenced by her work, then you can hand yourself into the anti-Semitic police, you terrible, terrible Jew loathing ogres.

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Hey! You! Don’t make jokes that you’re a Nazi! Okay? Why? Well, everyone will think you’re some Jew hating swine and, as conspiracy theorists will feverishly tell you, they rule the entire world. Just make jokes about being a sex offender instead, as that has the required ‘edge’ to make simpletons laugh.

Falling foul of the whole ‘I’m a Nazi’ joke is director Lars von Trier who is now persona non grata at the Cannes Film Festival.

See, while at a press conference promoting his new film Melancholia, Lars japed that he was a Jew and a Nazi, with stars of the flick, Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg, looking on in apparent disbelief. With the latter, that’s particularly difficult to imagine bearing in mind that her father, the brilliant Serge, drunkenly said rude words on a chat show to Whitney Houston and once made a dodgy song called ‘Lemon Incest’ which featured a shirtless Charlotte who, being twelve at the time, sang ambiguous lyrics about the sex between an adult and a child.

Aaaaaaaanyway.

Von Triers said:

“I thought I was a Jew and I was happy to be a Jew, but then I found out I was actually a Nazi … And that also gave me some pleasure. What can I say? I understand Hitler … I sympathize with him a bit.”

This didn’t go down well at all. This left him shuffling awkwardly and wondering why he bothers talking to such humourless tits (in fairness to the humourless tits, the joke in the first place wasn’t that funny, but we digress), and stating:

“If I have hurt someone this morning by the words I said at the press conference, I sincerely apologize. I am not anti-Semitic or racially prejudiced in any way, nor am I a Nazi.”

All this doesn’t matter though because he’s now been banned from the festival, which is weird seeing as he has previously won the Palme d’Or for Dancer in the Dark, one of the most upsetting films ever made.

If his new film wins, which it won’t now, someone else associated with it is going to have to pick up the trophy.

And it is here that hecklerspray would like to put themselves forward to pick the award up on behalf of Von Triers. It isn’t beneath us to say things in public, in the name of humour, that make ‘I’m a Nazi’ look like the most inoffensive piffle ever uttered.

Go on Lars. Pay our fare and we’ll ruin your chances of ever making a film ever again!

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Helen Mirren is perhaps the only 63-year-old Oscar-winning Dame Commander Of The British Empire who still looks halfway decent in a bikini.

But even someone as distinguished as Helen Mirren still has her problems – like all that cocaine she used to take, for example. That’s all in the past, though, because Helen Mirren has revealed exactly how she managed to quit her drug habit – it’s all thanks to notorious dead Nazi war criminal Klaus Barbie.

There’s a reality show in this somewhere, we know it.

Drugs are everywhere these days – you can see it in our culture. Would the Teletubbies exist if it weren’t for the invention of mind-altering hallucinogens? Doubtful. Without drugs, what would Pete Doherty would be doing now? He’d probably a Saturday boy at Games Workshop or something. And who can forget that 1993 episode of Praise Be where Thora Hird gangbanged 24 members of a local church’s congregation because she was high on a mixture of cough medicine and glue? It’s tragic.

And that even goes for Dame Helen Mirren. You may know Helen Mirren as the lady who dressed up like the queen and won every award going last year, but beneath her staid exterior is the heartbeat of a desperate woman.

How desperate? Desperate enough to quite like cocaine and then sort of stop liking it about 25 years ago. Yes, that’s how desperate.

You see, Helen Mirren has been interviewed in this month’s GQ magazine and she decided to go for the whole ‘My Drug Hell’ angle – or at least she would have done if it wasn’t for those pesky Nazis screwing it up for her in the early 1980s.

Oh yes, the Nazis. We forgot to mention them, didn’t we? It’s probably best to let Helen Mirren explain this one herself:

“I loved coke. I never did a lot, just a little bit at parties. But what ended it for me was when they caught Klaus Barbie, the Butcher of Lyon, in the early 80s. He was hiding in South America and living off the proceeds of being a cocaine baron. And I read that in the paper, and all the cards fell into place and I saw how my little sniff of cocaine at a party had an absolute direct route to this fucking horrible man in South America.”

Helen Mirren is absolutely right about this. If you take drugs, you’re helping to fund the Nazi party. We’re sure the Nazis are grateful. In fact we’re pretty sure that they’re going to send Amy Winehouse a crystal decanter as a mark of their appreciation before long.

Anyway, if this is true and Klaus Barbie managed to wean Helen Mirren off cocaine, then he must be kicking himself from beyond the grave at the moment. Had he known about this earlier, he might have been able to get it together to become a motivational speaker. Imagine the publishing opportunities – Klaus Barbie Helps You Kick Drugs, Drop A Dress Size The Nazi Way, SS Stands For Super Selfconfidence….

Don’t laugh – you’d still feel less dirty buying those than you would with anything by Paul McKenna, wouldn’t you?

Well, file this one under ‘how the hell did we miss that, even though it broke about a day ago?!’

See, you traipse the internet, you look through all of your sources, talk to people and even read things and yet – we still miss things sometimes. Big things. Things that were basically stories handcrafted for the hallowed pages of hecklerspray. Things that involve both Tom Cruise and Scientology.

Things that involve Tom Cruise, Scientology and the fact that both the person and the religion are being sued by an ex-follower.

How the hell did we miss this?

Well, it turns out that a $250 million lawsuit was filed on July 15 against the Church of Scientology, with the suit’s plaintiff Peter Letterese, an ex-member of the church, claiming everybody’s favourite Nazi, Tom Cruise, is second in command of the religion.

Letterese claims the church, including Cruise and David Miscavage – he who sits at the top of the Thetan pile in charge of Scientology – are akin to a “crime syndicate” and wants the organisation prosecuted under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organisation (RICO) law, claiming harassment by those in charge.

Like we said – this is handcrafted for use on hecklerspray. It doesn’t even need any kind of satirical/bitchy angle put into it, it just writes itself. An ex-member of the church is suing Scientology for $250 million dollars while claiming they have many similarities to the mafia, and has named Tom Cruise as one of the main parties involved. Sorry to repeat, but it just… wow. It doesn’t get much better than this.

We mean, it probably won’t go anywhere – one man against the combined might of however many devout believers in the actions of Xenu is never going to be a fair battle. But when you put Tom Cruise in the mix, then you’re just going to lose. Nevertheless, Letterese said Miscavage is:

“aided and abetted by the actions of Tom Cruise, his right-hand man for foreign and domestic promotion, as well as for foreign and domestic lobbying. He has assisted the syndicate in acquiring funds and (made) his own donations of money believed to be in the multiple tens of millions of dollars.”

To throw in some level of balance to the whole escapade, a spokesperson from the church, speaking to the New York Daily Post, stated:

“This is a frivolous suit based on falsehoods.”

They both seem like solid claims, to be honest – who are we to believe? No idea. So instead, let’s wildly speculate.

If the Church of Scientology were to be dismantled under anti-racketeering laws then, well, it would be a great big pile of hilarity. But surely it would set a new precedent for how religions are treated in today’s world? If Scientology is, as it is claimed, a genuine religion rather than a pyramid scheme, then surely other religious bodies could be prosecuted under whatever laws might apply?

We could see Christianity being brought down for forcing its followers to pay ‘protection money’ in the form of so-called ‘collections’; or the Catholic Church being disintegrated following widespread claims of child abuse – not that that would ever happen, of course…

Islam dissolved after a shoe-stealing racket is uncovered in mosques around the country? Buddhism decimated on charges of mass loitering disguised as meditation? The possibilities are endless, frankly, and it would open a gigantic can of worms for the whole world to lovingly stare at.

But let’s face it – you fight Tom Cruise, you’re going to lose. Though he still can’t keep pizzas warm with magic.

A doctor, Playboy and Nazis. With just three clues we want you, our intrepid readers, to guess what this story could possibly be about. Though that does mean ignoring the picture next to this text. And the headline. Hmm…

That’s right, it’s Tom Cruise News! Was there ever any doubt?

Yes, it would seem we live in a world where it makes more than enough sense for a comment in Playboy magazine by a TV doctor to result in said doctor being likened to a Nazi, on behalf of the Cruiser’s legal representation. We at hecklerspray are confused and annoyed by this world, but we soldier on.

It all started a few days ago when it was revealed that television doctor Drew Pinsky had spoken of Cruise’s affiliation with Scientology, remarking to Playboy magazine (possibly when surrounded by naked breasts):

“A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt.”

Now, likening followers of Scientology to strange behaviour may seem like a perfectly sensible and reasonable summation, and even going so far as to bring a mental illness into things is sure to strike anyone as making perfect sense, especially when referring to how they think the thing they’re following is a bona-fide religion.

But not Tom Cruise, oh no – he seemed to take issue with this statement. Well, through his lawyer, Bert Fields, at least. Obviously unhappy with what he saw as a ridiculous overstatement that no one in their right mind could possibly come to, Fields issued this response:

“The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels.”

We do feel the need to point out that Joseph Goebbels – though he may have done some evil things in his time on the planet – certainly did not liken following Scientology to mental illness. Most likely because Goebbels died seven years before the religion was invented, but there may be other mitigating circumstances too.

Now if hecklerspray were likened to a famous Nazi bastard, we would respond with fierce words and likely brutal force – we don’t stand for no jibba jabba round these parts. But it would seem the good (or evil, if you believe Cruise and co.) doctor is cut from a different cloth altogether, as he soon issued an apologetic statement, which read:

“Although Mr. Fields’s intent is clearly to slander and discredit Dr. Drew, under no circumstances is Dr. Drew making a blanket diagnosis about Scientology nor Mr. Cruise, whom he does not know. Dr. Drew was simply using Mr. Cruise as an example of someone who is recognizable to help the public understand.”

What exactly he was trying to do, by comparing followers of Scientology (namely Tom Cruise) to persons of ill mental health, we may never know. But apparently Dr Drew wasn’t trying to insinuate that followers of Scientology (namely Tom Cruise) were likely sufferers of mental illness. Obviously.

What Dr Drew should have done was liken Tom Cruise, the stoic follower of Scientology, to a Nazi. It would have made far more sense. Or Jesus.