How much do you like Marilyn Monroe? Enough to watch some of her films more than once? Enough to dress like her?

No? You like Marilyn Monroe more than that? Enough to spend the rest of time slowly decomposing inches away from her manky old corpse? No? You like Marilyn Monroe enough to pay $4.6 million so that you can decompose next to her?

Then you, sir, are a creepy old nutjob. And, since the winner of an eBay auction for that exact thing has just backed out, it could still be yours! What a result! What a creepy, creepy result.

These days, any number of things can happen to your body after you die. You can be buried, burnt, shot into space, compressed into a diamond or chopped into pieces on live television by that weird and frankly untrustworthy Polish doctor off the telly. Or, if you happen to be wildly rich, alarmingly obsessed with dead icons and so overwhelmingly creepy that you often find people steadfastly refusing to make eye contact with you at parties because they’re worried that you’ll take it as a sign to engage them in conversation, there’s another way.

And that way involves blowing $4.6 million on a plot in a crypt directly above Marilyn Monroe’s dead body. How the crypt came to be put up for sale is a long and complex story involving Joe DiMaggio, an old lady called Elsie Poncher, divorce, dead husbands, mortgage payments, cremation and gravedigging. But that doesn’t really matter. What matters is this – urrrrrrrgh, someone loves Marilyn Monroe so much that they want to get as close as they can to her 47-year-old remains. And it probably stinks. Urrrrrgh!

Or at least that was the plan. The eBay auction for the crypt spot ended yesterday, and the winner looked set to be a Japanese man. We say ’set to be’ because he then decided that there are probably billions of things that he’d rather spend his money on, like a private jet or a giant robot version of himself or a pony made out of dildos or whatever, and he pulled out. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Several hours after being sent an invoice, he e-mailed Poncher’s representative, “I am awfully sorry but I need to cancel this because of the paying problem.” Steve Miller, a mortgage broker and banker who is representing Poncher, said he had e-mailed the 11 other bidders who offered at least $4.5 million, giving them 24 hours to make an offer.

See? So if you’ve been reading this story through envious eyes, wishing there was some way that your dead carcass could be put in a box quite near a person who used to be quite pretty but now probably looks more like Victoria Beckham first thing in the morning because she’s been dead for 47 years, then all is not lost. You can still get in touch with Elsie Poncher and make her an offer.

It’s your lucky day. Now stop reading this. You’re weirding us out.

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Whilst we don’t quite expect a sixty foot high bronze statue to be erected, we do hope that our works will at least be printed on to fish & chip wrappers. Or failing that, will someone at least promise to have a snippet of an article tattooed on to their back if they’re fat enough? If people really are good at doing their respected talent, their legacy usually goes on for years and years.

Just look at our lord saviour Jesus Christ. He’s not renowned for his carpentry skills, but for his amazing magic tricks. Can you turn water in to wine; feed thousand people from two fish and five loaves of bread? No, you can’t, you probably can’t construct a shelf. You’ve got nothing on Jesus.

Another person who’s never out of the news is Marilyn Monroe. Despite being six feet under for forty six years, people still get giddy when new documents about her emerge. So hold on to your replica wig as fresh footage has surfaced. For a price at auction of course. 

Sometimes it’s confusing to see what all the fuss is about. Maybe it’s because hecklerspray hasn’t been part of a conspiracy theory or haven’t shagged a president. Yet. Still there’s plenty of time for this to happen to us and we hope everyone will go loopy for us and run around in circles due to the mass hysteria they are feeling due to our crazy, kooky and nutty antics.  

At first we though it could be someone trying to resell the Marilyn Monroe sextape, but then we realised that the length of the tape was 47 minutes. No bloke can last that long despite what the replies in the worlds biggest penis thread say. Instead of some ropey sixties porn, the footage is just bog standard stuff of her doing everyday activities that doesn’t really make us go “wow Marilyn you are amazing, please show us how you do those things”. BBC News reports that the tape shows: 

“Monroe looks relaxed and playful, having her hair done, chatting with crew and actors or just walking around clutching a coffee mug.”

Omg! Omg! Omg! We can see Marilyn doing things that normal people do! Wow, that means she was as common as us and you and wasn’t a super-person who had to sleep in specially constructed rooms to maintain her abnormal powers. With all these fine little details, we can use this information to become a bit more like her.  

How ace will it be to use the same shampoo as Marilyn? Finally we can get those curls perfected and hopefully remain dandruff free. The same goes about her coffee. Not only can we drink the same brand, but we can mimic how she holds her cup and see if she was a slurper as she knocked back the caffeine. Some people may see this is as stalking, but we prefer the term “getting closer to someone who is no longer with us”. 

The 47 minute film which was filmed on set during the film The Misfits could Fetch up to £10,000 this weekend when the footage is flogged off in Las Vegas. There are two sorts of buyers we imagine for this sort of film. A) Your hardcore fan that will spend his time wacking one off to the film as he plays it on constant repeat all day, everyday. B) A group of casual fans who want the world to see their favourite star in a positive light and not involved in another seedy story involving lust and overpriced paintings. Whilst option B would be the better outcome, we presume that a fanaticworshipper will purchase the tape and spend his days taunting the failed bidders. His cries of “work that coffee cup bitch” may be too traumatic for some fans to handle. It may cause them to stop fanaticising over a person whose been dead for a long time. 

Hecklerspray does have an alternative for you though if you miss out on buying the tape. For £100 we will let you film us drink cups of tea, battle with the photocopier, accidently staple our fingers and get angry with keyboards that don’t work. Surely that’s much more exciting then watching Marilyn Monroe wash her hair. The same women who’d at best only manage to be a substitute Big Brother contestant nowadays. 

To read more, see "Unseen Monroe Reels Go To Auction" on BBC

So says Dr Jack Hattem, who, backed up by secret FBI files, says the Hollywood bombshell was somehow fooled into believing she would be revived in time as part of a plot involving Senator Robert Kennedy, the brother of JFK, who was gunned down 40 years ago this week.

Instead, Monroe, who staged many fake suicide attempts throughout her life to gain sympathy, was left to die by staff and friends. It’s all in Hattem’s new book Marilyn Monroe: Murder By Consent.

Certainly, Marilyn Monroe may have been dead for 46 years, but that doesn’t mean that people have stopped speculating about the circumstances of her death. We spoke to Dr Hattem and listened to some of his more compelling claims, including where Kennedy was on the night of Marilyn Monroe’s death and why the recently unearthed Marilyn Monroe sex tape might not be the only one knocking about.

This is turning out to be quite a big year for Marilyn Monroe. Not only has Lindsay Lohan aped her by getting naked and covering herself with a net curtain, but a Marilyn Monroe sex tape has also apparently been uncovered in recent months. So with sex dealt with, what about death?

While it was ruled to be suicide, theorists have long had their doubts about the way that Marilyn Monroe died – and thanks to a set of FBI records released 20 years ago that have been inexplicably ignored until recently, those doubts seem to have some substance.

According to Dr Jack Hattem’s book Marilyn Monroe: Murder By Consent, Monroe died because Robert Kennedy, along with Monroe’s close ‘friend’ and Hollywood actor Peter Lawford, convinced her to make another fake suicide attempt.

Caught between his family, who wanted to play down its relationship with Marilyn Monroe and the fact Monroe was threatening to shop a red diary containing ‘pillow talk’ between the pair and confidential secrets about the Cuban Missile Crisis if he ever left her, Robert Kennedy and Rat Pack member Lawford hatched a plan to visit Monroe on the day of her death. Hattem said:

“It is my guess that they had discussed with her, in no uncertain terms, that they needed for her to fake a suicide attempt. They guarantee she would be woken up, and that the fake suicide attempt would gain her so much sympathy from 20th Century Fox – who had fired her – that she would get her job back. But they threatened her somehow. She could be talked into things, because she wanted desperately to be cared about.”

At the time, Kennedy denied the visit, claiming he was in San Francisco. Which he might have got away with, except for the fact the FBI just happened to be busy tracking both Robert Kennedy and Marilyn Monroe at the same time. Hattem explained:

“The CIA had long considered Marilyn Monroe a threat to national security from the time she had married Arthur Miller, because they thought of him as a leftist. Then the FBI started listening in on her phone calls and tracking her – even to Mexico, where Bobby Kennedy had a fling with her. A private detective took an audio tape of Bobby Kennedy and Marilyn in an ‘affair’. The FBI was tracking Kennedy, their boss, all over the place and listening in on his conversations, possibly because Hoover wanted something on Kennedy – and he certainly got it, because as she was dying, they were listening in.”

Adding to the muddle is Marilyn Monroe’s housekeeper Eunice Murray, who found her face down on her bed, and her psychiatrist Ralph Greenson.

Apparently, Monroe fired Murray on the day of her death – which Hattem suggests is why she didn’t rush to try and revive Monroe; and was sleeping with Greenson – who allegedly gave Monroe an extra-large dose of barbiturates on top of what she already had been given.

What’s most interesting, though, is Dr Hattem’s story of the conversation between Bobby Kennedy and Peter Lawford at around 4am the following morning:

“In the FBI files, the FBI is recording Kennedy saying to Peter Lawford ‘Is she dead yet?’”

Throw in the fact that all of Marilyn Monroe’s phone message disappeared, to later be discovered in the chief of police’s private files, and that her red diary could not be found – Hattem’s guess is that Kennedy had a large hand in it. He said:

“I’m certain Robert Kennedy stole it when he came by her house after she was dead.”

But if Robert Kennedy’s involvement in Marilyn Monroe’s death is rooted in fact so firmly that there’s even an FBI file on it, why hasn’t more been made of it?

“I think the reason is that everybody already believes the Kennedys killed her.”

Well, then there’s always the Marilyn Monroe sex tape. You heard – there’s a Marilyn Monroe sex tape. A tape of Marilyn Monroe gobbling on a man’s penis for 15 minutes. It really exists, but don’t get too excited.

A private collector has just bought the Marilyn Monroe sex tape for $1.5 million, and he’s sworn to keep it from the public in order to protect the dignity of Marilyn Monroe. Well, that and to masturbate himself scabby over the Marilyn Monroe sex tape 12 times a day for the rest of his life knowing that he’s the only one alive who knows what Marilyn Monroe looks like when she does blowjobs.

That’s it – this is the end of the world. We believe it was Nostradamus who said ‘all will be well when Lindsay Lohan copies Marilyn Monroe, but when Marilyn Monroe copies Lindsay Lohan we’re all fucked.’

And that, friends, is exactly what’s happened. Just a couple of weeks after the Lindsay Lohan sex tape leaked, Marilyn Monroe has got in on the act as well. Never mind that she’s been dead for 46 years – if you want to see Marilyn Monroe shove a bloke’s penis into her mouth and keep it there for 15 minutes, the Marilyn Monroe sex tape means you can.

Except you can’t. Everyone knows that a Marilyn Monroe sex tape would be the holy grail of celebrity sex tapes. More than that, in fact – since the discovery of the Marilyn Monroe sex tape, the holy grail has been papally downgraded to ‘the Marilyn Monroe sex tape of grails’ – but because of this, the man who yesterday bought the Marilyn Monroe sex tape has promised to keep it private forever, as Reuters reports:

A 15-minute film of Marilyn Monroe engaging in oral sex with an unidentified man will be kept from public view by a New York businessman, who has bought it for $1.5 million, the broker of the deal said on Monday. Memorabilia collector Keya Morgan said he recently arranged the sale of the silent, black-and-white film from the son of a dead FBI informant who possessed it to a wealthy Manhattan businessman who wants to protect Monroe’s privacy. “The gentleman who bought it said out respect for Marilyn he’s not going to make a joke of it and put it on the Internet and try to exploit her.”

A good thing too, because who really wants to see one of the most iconic women of all time giving a blowjob to a man on film? Oh that’s right – everyone. Everyone wants to see Marilyn Monroe debase her own mouth in a sex tape, and if anyone says they don’t they’re lying.

But it looks like it’ll never happen now. Not until he dies and his heirs flog the video to the first website to turn up with a chequebook, anyway. Only then will be able to see a creepy dead woman silently fellate a man, and it can’t come a day too soon.

Of course, the real tragedy is that Marilyn Monroe died before this sex tape got out. Then the possibilities would have been endless. Maybe Marilyn Monroe would have been able to star in her own E! reality TV show just like Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson and Kim Kardashian, who are all equally good at filming themselves having sex. But, alas, she died before she could sell out her own life for a tawdry meaningless faux-documentary series. We don’t think we’ll ever be able to cope with that.

On the plus side, though, the existence of a Marilyn Monroe sex tape will be great news for Elton John, because it means he can bash out another lazy rewrite of Candle In The Wind to commemorate it. We’ll start it off for him: “It seems to me, you lived your life like a candle in the wind/ and by candle I obviously mean penis and by wind I mean some bloke’s gob/ you dirty, great cow.”

Read more:

Marilyn Monroe sex film to be kept private – Reuters

But, although she was right to worry about the first one, Lindsay Lohan has no reason at all to fear the latter, because her mother Dina Lohan bloody well loves the naked Lindsay Lohan photos that were published earlier in the week.

That's good to see – Dina Lohan's endorsement of Lindsay Lohan's nude photoshoot is not only heartwarming, but it's also softened her up for all those Lindsay Lohan Hot Bitch XXX Dildo Slut Action DVDs that Lindsay will be reduced to starring in by 2010.

For someone who's pretty much had her bare genital area photographed more often than her face in recent years, the fuss caused by those Marilyn Monroe-aping naked Lindsay Lohan pictures that appeared in New York magazine this week has been far greater than anyone could have imagined. 

We're not sure why Lindsay Lohan's naked spread captured the imagination the way it did. Perhaps there was a perverse thrill in seeing the child star of The Parent Trap naked, perhaps people appreciated the artfully authentic way it reimagined Marilyn Monroe's famous Last Shoot, or perhaps it's just a clear indication that Lindsay Lohan's slow path towards starring in nothing but barely-watched cable television erotic thrillers is still dead on track.

But none of that matters, because the naked Lindsay Lohan photoshoot has at least gained the approval of Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina. MSNBC reports:

"It was very tastefully done," she told People of her daughter’s cover shoot. "I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically,” Dina, who manages Lindsay, said of the pics. “For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say, 'Can you recreate these photos?' is an honor. I looked at it as art, and as Lindsay doing a character. So I don't look at them like it's Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother." … "She's always loved Marilyn," Dina said. "For Christmas, my girlfriends even gave her a Marilyn cookie jar. I think there's a sadness that Lindsay feels for Marilyn. Lindsay really saw it as a gift back to someone."

Make no mistake, it is a gift back to someone – it just happens that that someone is probably a teenage boy with a permanent erection who'd wank himself into a jizz blizzard at the sight of an old lady's bra, let alone some 'artful' naked Lindsay Lohan photos.

Anyway, let's not forget that Dina Lohan is the quintessential pushy stage mum who notoriously lives her life vicariously through Lindsay in the hope that she can piggyback on her fame for long enough to get her own daytime TV show or something. Bearing this in mind, Dina Lohan isn't saying "I respect my daughter's decision," but "Seriously, if you think she looks good naked, wait until you see my middle-aged boom-baps! Pazow!" 

And that's disgusting, so let's have no more to do with any of this.

Read more:

Lindsay’s mom OK with nude photo shoot - MSNBC 

But not any more, because Lindsay Lohan has got naked for a magazine. Deliberately naked, too – this isn't one of those 'Lindsay Lohan gets hammered and forgets to dress from the waist down on a night out' stories. It's an artfully-composed naked Lindsay Lohan shoot.

At least we think it's Lindsay Lohan. She's hidden behind a transparent cloth for most of it and – since the fluorescent red glow from her vagina doesn't make our eyes burn like a mace attack – we have our doubts, frankly.

Never say that Lindsay Lohan doesn't know how to react to stuff. Tell her that she stars in too many kid's films and she'll make a shit movie about a pair of amnesiac strippers instead. Arrest Lindsay Lohan for having all sorts of cocaine in her trousers and she'll never wear any trousers ever again. Or underwear. Or any other clothes apart from a sort of mostly transparent gauze thing, like Marilyn Monroe did before she died.

You've got it – Lindsay Lohan has decided to pose naked for New York magazine, mimicking Marilyn Monroe's infamous 'Last Shoot'. It's not particularly shocking to see Lindsay Lohan naked – there was a sort of vaguely naked Lindsay Lohan on the front cover of Vanity Fair a few years ago, plus it's no secret that Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend took some naked pictures of her recently, and if you haven't seen what Lindsay Lohan's vagina looks like now, you're past help.

But this is different, because it's for a magazine that classy people read – so this is Lindsay Lohan naked as art, not Lindsay Lohan naked as a grubby masturbation aid for the chronically misinformed. And it also meant that Lindsay Lohan could pretend that she's cleverer than she is in the accompanying article, as demonstrated in New York:

“I didn’t have to put much thought into it. I mean, Bert Stern? Doing a Marilyn shoot? When is that ever going to come up? It’s really an honor… I wanted to portray the book and get it point-on as much as I could, to bring it back to life… “Here is a woman who is giving herself to the public,” Lohan said, about the Monroe photos, when we spoke the next day by phone. “She’s saying, ‘Look, you’ve taken a lot from me, so why don’t I give it to you myself.’ She’s taking control back."

Oh Lindsay, always turning everything into an attack on the entertainment industry when you're the one whipping your knickers off to try and remind movie executives that you're still alive after Georgia Rule and I Know Who Killed Me tanked so badly.

Because you'd be dumb not to think that these naked Lindsay Lohan pictures were for anything other than to further her career. Not only is she young and nubile and glamorous, the pictures are saying, but also she's totally ready to do late-night direct to DVD erotic thrillers now. Plus she's cheap after all that rehab!

More frightening still are the prospects for Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex. After all, having it off with the male inhabitants of an island is one thing, but posing naked so that the entire planet can see your hooters? In February? Christ knows what Lindsay Lohan will do to mark the third month of her Year Of Sex if this is the standard she's setting, but it had better take place on a tarpaulin with a water hydrant nearby, because we're pretty sure it's going to make a mess.

Read more:

Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe in "The Last Sitting" – New York

Images: Bert Stern/New York