If only R Kelly had a bunch of events in his life that we could hang some jokes on. We’ve been wracking our brains here and can’t really think of anything that he’s done which we can mock, apart from some of his desperately awful records, that In The Closet lark and the fact it appears that he likes having sex with minors.

Wait! He liked hanging around with Michael Jackson didn’t he? That’s pretty funny isn’t it, because Michael Jackson had a face like a haunted hamstring by the time he died. There must be some correlation between R Kelly’s fondness for minors, allegations made against Jackson and, of course, our penchant for the most obvious jokes in the world.

But before all that, R. Kelly won’t be singing shit as he’s had to have some emergency throat surgery which means he won’t be performing for an indefinite period. Real talk. Or… y’know… No talk.

Anyway, R Kelly (real name Percival Eugene Derek Oswaldtwistle) noted that his throat was, to use his vernacular ‘fucking ragging him’, and so, was whisked off to a Chicago hospital where an abscess on one of his tonsils was drained, according to a statement from spokesman Allan Mayer, who was dry-heaving at the time, thinking about pus being drained from someone’s neck.

This, of course, means he’s mercifully out of action for the foreseeable future, although, this poses two problems. Firstly, it isn’t hard to imagine that Kelly thinks he knows better than the doctors that treated him and will promptly go about recording a new LP, despite the fact he’ll sound like Tom Waits.

Secondly, when R gets bored, his mind starts to wander… and when his mind starts to wander, we end up with a scenario where police end up finding dodgy video tapes wrapped up in towels which imply that he may have been following in Michael Jackson’s footsteps and fiddling around inside some underage fan, starstruck and covered in jizz.

Now read this recent tweet of his.

“I feel like my throat is coming back. I’ve been in bed sweating like crazy. Thanks guys.”

Brrr.

Recently court documents have shown that R is a year behind on mortgage payments for his multimillion-dollar mansion in suburban Chicago, which means he’ll be back doing stuff really soon. Hilariously unaware stuff like this with any luck…

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R Kelly is being sued by former manager Jeff Kwatinetz for over $1 million. While that’s all very interesting and we’ll mention it later in the article, this is obviously not the reason we’re running the story. Clearly, we want to make jokes about R Kelly and sex with minors.

Of course, Kelly hasn’t ever been to prison or anything like that, so we can’t say he’s properly guilty of it. However, we can join the scrum and snicker about the rumours. And for those thinking we’re being racist, we’d do the same if Woody Allen was in the news more often (c’mon! You don’t think his relationship with Soon-Yi is weird as shit?).

Alas, we’re looking at R Kelly.

So, Kwatinetz reckons he played a massive part in resurrecting Kelly’s career. He claims that the ‘Ignition’ singer agreed to pay 15% him commission and, of course, he’s failed to do so. That’s why they’re going to court, dummy.

Kwatinez is saying that Kelly’s business manager said that The Kwat (we invented a nickname for him) wouldn’t get paid “because the monies were needed for payments to avoid lawsuits and adverse publicity resulting from Kelly’s alleged [sexual misconduct].”

Which allows us, under the guise of giving you the back story, the chance to bring all that sex business back up.

See, Kelly started off getting bothered by the law in the usual hip hop manner, getting into a fight, which saw the victim needing 110 facial stitches… which is horrible and impressive. Then, things went a bit Michael Jackson when a video surfaced which claimed to feature R Kelly doing the sex with an underage girl.

Kelly denied that he was the man in the video, but he was still indicted in Chicago on 21 counts of having sex with a minor, which were later reduced to soliciting a minor for child pornography, seven counts of videotaping the acts, and seven counts of producing child pornography.

Maybe it was all one big misunderstanding? Well… in 2003, he got his ass arrested again on child pornography charges after the police found pictures of an underage girl as well as a video of Kelly having sex with an underage girl on a digital camera.

He’s not a man to be fucked with, clearly. Especially if you’re ten. ALLEGEDLY ALLEGEDLY.

Anyway, R Kelly isn’t taking this chat from Kwatman.

A spokesman for the artist says:

“Jeff Kwatinetz’s complaint is a collection of half-truths, distortions, and outright fabrications. Mr. Kwatinetz is a disgruntled former manager who apparently feels the need to try to seek retribution for his discharge.”

No date has been set for the trial as yet, but we’re betting that Kelly stalls court again with yet another burst appendix excuse.

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Football: technically a funny old game. Made more so with ex-England football team manager Steve McClaren, in his new role at Dutch side FC Twente.

The man with a head that is home to a hair island and a face that wears a frighteningly creepy smile at all times has been spotted in the wild at his new job in the Netherlands, attempting to talk to the press.

Now, far be it from us to mock the man, but, well – we had enough ammo to go on before this, and now he’s just gone and set us up for life. He’ll never have to behave like a twit again, he’ll never have to do an awful job as England manager then blame it on everyone/thing else and he’ll never have to talk utter, utter tripe ever again.

Because this clip says everything about Steve McClaren you would ever want it to. The man is clearly deranged – there cannot be any other explanation for his decision to adopt such a stunning ‘Dutch’ accent. He actually sounds like your dad on holiday, trying to talk to a waiter who can only manage broken English.

Yet this is a man who has – presumably – had endless training on how to conduct himself in public, how to speak and how to behave. Obviously the training fell on deaf ears.

Ol’ Steve also seems oblivious to the fact that most Dutch people have a far more refined English vocabulary than most English people. Either that, or he thinks the woman interviewing him had just arrived from special school. Either way, he’s not helping himself.

Watch for yourselves:

Honestly. “ME. COME TO HOLLAND. VERY GOOD SIDE. CHAMPION AND IS LEAGUE. ARSE. NAL. LIVERPOOL. WE PLAY. MAYBE. WE SEE!”

He’s a loss to the English game, that’s for sure.

Usher really must have thought he had it all going for him.

He had a multi multi multi million selling album, a wife (eventually, a few times), a child with his name and some hats. Things were looking rosy for the dancing pop prat.

Then he brought out a new album, ‘Here I Stand’, and – compared to his last one, ‘Confessions’, at least – it flopped something rotten. While still selling just under a million copies to date, this is considered a failure by both Usher and, more likely, his record label.

So what’s the solution when you’re known around the world, popular, good looking and – apparently – talented?

Why – sack your management and go running to your mum. Obviously. Which is exactly what Raymond has gone and done, re-employing the mother he sacked just over a year ago as a part of his throwing his toys out of the pram reaction to not selling enough records.

Aww, bless him.

Instead of doing what any self-respecting person would do on realising a failure – acknowledge it, shoulder the blame and move on having learned something – it would seem that Usher believes he couldn’t possibly be at fault for his record not selling too well. Not that we’d sniff at 1,000,000 sales for hecklerspray: The Record, it’s just it seems that that many copies doesn’t count as ‘too well’.

Regardless, instead of realising that maybe he was just something of a R&B flash in the pan – a nobody in a sea full of nobodies – some pretty big changes have been made.

Splitting from his management arrangement with Benny Medina, manager of such incredible acts as Mariah Carey and cancelling his arrangement with W&W Public Relations, Usher has gone full circle back to his dear old mama, Jonetta Patton. As the statement from his LaFace/Zomba label… stated:

“[Usher] has dissolved his management arrangement with Benny Medina and has re-engaged (his mother) Jonnetta Patton as his manager.”

Well at least it makes sense – who can talk up a person better than your own mother? And who’s better at arranging to do things for you than your own mother? Plus he’s sure to always look good on public appearances, and she’ll hopefully make sure that he doesn’t forget where he is again, thus making him look like less of a complete dick.

She’s also sure to keep him on the straight and narrow, avoiding the temptation wherever his dancing penis may take him. Though as a result of this, he may inadvertently create more lesbians – lord knows Usher is knowledgeable on their kind.

What we really hope will come from all this though is the overwhelming realisation that’s sure to hit Usher right in his big smug face. When he sees that re-hiring his mother has no effect on his floundering sales and he thinks, just for a second, that maybe he isn’t all that good. He sees for the first time in his life that people were only ever slightly entertained by him because he could dance like a twit while going “YEAH!” every second or so of a song.

But he’s sure to find comfort in his collection of hats. As long as he doesn’t go driving in them.

Bitter, distasteful fights about a dead celebrity’s possessions tend to take place while the dead celebrity is still warm.

So we have nothing but respect for the family and former manager of Ray Charles, who managed to remain peaceful and amicable until he was long-dead, completely cold and probably quite rotten, and then they started having bitter, distasteful fights about his possessions.

Ray Charles’ 12 children have accused manager Joe Adams of tarnishing their father’s memory by releasing two Ray Charles albums posthumously that Ray would have never approved. We’re not so sure about that – Ray Charles Sings The Hits Of Emma Bunton and Ray Charles Mumbles To Himself About His Slippers have always been long-time favourites of ours.

When Ray Charles died, he went out with a bang. Not literally, of course – people didn’t drag Ray Charles onto a beach, stuff him full of dynamite and explode him like a whale or anything – but he made sure he went out at the height of his powers.

The last album Ray Charles made, Genius Loves Company, won eight Grammys and the film about his life that was made as he was dying, Ray, won two Oscars. So between that – and the money that Ray Charles accumulated in the 53 years since his first recording, you’d think that everyone would be happy with their inheritance.

Not a chance. The 12 children that Ray Charles fathered by nine women have all got the hump with Ray Charles’ manager Joe Adams. And that’s either because Joe Adams has systematically mismanaged Ray Charles’ estate since his death in 2004 or because they’re pissed off that Ray didn’t leave them a bunch more money in his will and they’re lashing out. Who knows? Either way, as The Associated Press reports, now the FBI is getting involved and all sorts:

Ray Charles’ children are accusing his longtime manager of mismanaging his estate and trusts and tarnishing his legacy by releasing two posthumous CDs the late singer never would have approved, according to a published report. In allegations outlined Sunday in the Los Angeles Times, several of Charles’ 12 children accused Joe Adams of holding too much power over Ray Charles Enterprises and the Ray Charles Foundation and excluding them from business dealings. They’re seeking a formal investigation and audit looking into their father’s estate, trusts and foundation for possible wrongdoing.

According to these allegations, Ray Charles’ kids all received $500,000 each in his will, along with a woolly-worded hint about possibly getting more “down the line.” Meanwhile Joe Adams – who’d been Ray Charles’ manager since 1961 – didn’t receive anything in the will, but he stayed in charge of all the business rights.

What this scrap boils down to, essentially, is the Ray Charles’ image rights. No mention of it was made in the will and the children are trying to gain control over it. Should they win, this row will disappear instantly and everything will go back to normal.

OK, that’s a lie – what we expect will actually happen is there’ll be a bunch of new lawsuits between the various children about how Ray Charles’ image gets used. For instance, one of them will probably want to remaster his back catalogue for iTunes, another will want to make a Ray Charles museum complete with lucrative giftshop, another will want to make a Hammer Man-style Saturday morning cartoon about Ray Charles’ adventures fighting crime and another will want to sell out old Ray Charles songs for the remix album Ray Charles Says: Poop Poop! All Aboard The Vengaboys Express!

All of which we’d be OK with, incidentally. Except the museum one. Ugh.

Read more:

Ray Charles’ children, ex-manager battle – AP

Now that he's got the keys to the Britney Spears treasure chest, Jamie Spears can do whatever the hell he likes.

And, now he's also been granted the power to hire and fire as he pleases, it looks like Britney's business manager Howard Grossman is going to be the first neck on the chopping block.

We're not sure what Jamie Spears' other plans for Britney Spears are yet, but we've heard rumours that he'll soon be taking her place as a recording artist soon, too. In fact, an album of bubblegum pop entitled Hit Me One More Time (No Really, I Know I'm A Middle-Aged Man Dressed A Schoolgirl And I Know That Must Freak You Out, But What Say You Hit Me Anyway) is purportedly being mixed as we speak.

We're not going to count our chickens here, but it looks like someone's got the message. It's been a few day's since Britney Spears left her mental hospital, and in that time we've hardly heard any reports of Britney staggering around car parks babbling in a funny voice or crying on pavements or the like.

What we take that to mean is that Britney's father Jamie Spears is taking his role as her conservator very seriously and protecting her the best he can. And now Jamie Spears' powers have grown just a little bit more, because, as the New York Daily News reports, he's been granted the authority to sack Britney Spears' business manager Howard Grossman if he wants to. And something tells us he wants to:

A Los Angeles Court commissioner has given the troubled singer's father power to fire her business manager, Howard Grossman, documents released Friday said. Grossman was ordered to turn over "all documents, records and assets relating to Britney Spears" to Jamie Spears, who is the court-appointed conservator of his daughter and her estate. Grossman told People.com he knew about the closed-door hearing in the case Thursday but said he had no idea why Spears' father sought the right to fire him. "The only thing I will say is my reputation speaks for itself," Grossman told People. "I couldn't tell you why they chose this path."

So that's Britney Spears' business manager Howard Grossman sacked and Britney Spears' regular manager Sam Lutfi slapped with a restraining order for allegedly grinding up drugs and adding it to Britney's food. It'll be interesting to see what Jamie Spears' next act as conservator will be – he's running out of people to fire now, unless he starts turning his ferocious boardroom dismissal skills on one of Britney's little yappy dogs or he suddenly decides to demote Sean Preston from 'son' to 'second cousin' or something.

Of course, if this sounds familiar, it's because it is. First comes the power, then the enjoyment of power. Next we imagine that Jamie Spears will surround himself with sycophants, marry a redneck, give birth a couple of times, divorce him, shave his head, stop wearing underwear and end up in the padded psycho ward of the nearest hospital. We hear it's genetic, see.

Read more:

Britney Spears' dad to sack manager – NY Daily News