If only R Kelly had a bunch of events in his life that we could hang some jokes on. We’ve been wracking our brains here and can’t really think of anything that he’s done which we can mock, apart from some of his desperately awful records, that In The Closet lark and the fact it appears that he likes having sex with minors.
Wait! He liked hanging around with Michael Jackson didn’t he? That’s pretty funny isn’t it, because Michael Jackson had a face like a haunted hamstring by the time he died. There must be some correlation between R Kelly’s fondness for minors, allegations made against Jackson and, of course, our penchant for the most obvious jokes in the world.
But before all that, R. Kelly won’t be singing shit as he’s had to have some emergency throat surgery which means he won’t be performing for an indefinite period. Real talk. Or… y’know… No talk.
Anyway, R Kelly (real name Percival Eugene Derek Oswaldtwistle) noted that his throat was, to use his vernacular ‘fucking ragging him’, and so, was whisked off to a Chicago hospital where an abscess on one of his tonsils was drained, according to a statement from spokesman Allan Mayer, who was dry-heaving at the time, thinking about pus being drained from someone’s neck.
This, of course, means he’s mercifully out of action for the foreseeable future, although, this poses two problems. Firstly, it isn’t hard to imagine that Kelly thinks he knows better than the doctors that treated him and will promptly go about recording a new LP, despite the fact he’ll sound like Tom Waits.
Secondly, when R gets bored, his mind starts to wander… and when his mind starts to wander, we end up with a scenario where police end up finding dodgy video tapes wrapped up in towels which imply that he may have been following in Michael Jackson’s footsteps and fiddling around inside some underage fan, starstruck and covered in jizz.
Now read this recent tweet of his.
“I feel like my throat is coming back. I’ve been in bed sweating like crazy. Thanks guys.”
Brrr.
Recently court documents have shown that R is a year behind on mortgage payments for his multimillion-dollar mansion in suburban Chicago, which means he’ll be back doing stuff really soon. Hilariously unaware stuff like this with any luck…
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