Hold us back, this could be epoch-making.

Speculation has been mounting that the star of Herbie and, umm… hecklerspray has timed her arrival to coincide with that of former/current were-they-weren’t-they lover/pal/fanny chum Sam Ronson, who is in town to get paid to play a couple of records.

It’s called “DJing”, apparently. Ah well, at least it involves more talent than standing still and managing not to die while being photographed. For money. Which exactly what Lindsay is doing.

The conspiracy theorists don’t normally go to town on celebrity news, instead focusing on more important things like why the pyramids exist, how aviation fuel “doesn’t burn like that!!!?” or why Piers Morgan is allowed to carry on living.

This time, however, the paranoia is flying in from all angles with a plethora of conflicting reports, hearsay and general anarchy on the presses. It’s sure to be the end of the world as we know it.

It is possible people have just got a bit bored of talking about Robert Pattinson, they realised they don’t like Susan Boyle anymore and they discovered that (as we said) the Eminem/Bruno skit was indeed set up, so they have to fall back to some more generic celebrity news.

Either that or there’s been an attack of nostalgia on the part of all of those celebrity news outlets and they have collectively felt the need to report on a true classic of the gossip columns.

Why all the speculation? Well probably because there isn’t a whole lot to go on with regards to this story – Lindsay Lohan has arrived in the UK a day or two after her possibly-though-maybe-not-anymore-if-she-ever-was-to-begin-with girlfriend Sam Ronson, and is scheduled to make appearances in similar places at similar times.

The most astonishing facts from the story popped up in The Mirror though, with the paper reporting:

“While she was on the Eurostar, LiLo took pictures on her mobile phone of her with her fingers in her mouth, looking all worried.”

Truly mind-blowing stuff.

But hey, it’s not like people haven’t always followed their other halves around – we managed to alienate one whole girl from our lives by relentlessly following her for three years solid. It would have been fine, but we’re not one person, we’re an amalgamated form of writers and critics, so it’s sure to spook anyone out.

Lindsay is only human though, and not an amorphous blob of biting cynicism, so she’s more than welcome to stalk her (possible) ex. Yes, human, and – if she is a bit of a mental stalker – definitely creepy with it.

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As Michael Jackson was born of his mother’s womb while filming a Pepsi commercial with his hair on fire, his main thought was probably about how he’d one day like to inflict that same pain onto his own child.

And now he finally will. As everybody who enjoys watching glittery skeletons dance all about already knows, MJ is having a series of big comeback gigs this summer – and he’s reportedly decided to use the opportunity to launch the career of his 12-year-old son Prince Michael I.

At this time last year Michael Jackson was just a guy who enjoyed dressing like a woman while applying makeup to his face in public Bahraini women’s bathrooms. An awful lot has changed since then, though. For instance he’s not in Bahrain right now. Another thing that’s changed is that people are once again willing to give him money. This is great news for all of his bleeding giraffes. With Jackson’s new found income its possible they can once again afford to scab properly.

This summer as Jackson plays at the London O2 Arena, over one million people will have seen his knees creek dozens of times while he tries unsuccessfully to slide his feet backwards in a smooth manner by the time of the final curtain call. One million is a huge number – and Jackson probably realises that. We said probably. That’s why he’s going to use that opportunity to launch his oldest son into the musical spotlight.

If what the Daily Star says is true, then:

“Pop legend Michael Jackson is set to introduce a surprise special guest at his first London show – his son Prince Michael I. The lad, 12, will make his stage debut at the O2 Arena after being hidden from the world for years. Jacko, 50, has covered his three children in blankets and masks for most of their lives. But he is set to unveil Prince Michael to the world as he carries on the Jackson showbiz family tradition.”

We can hear the conversation now – backstage Prince Michael I (PMI) will be enjoying a nice video game while his dad comes in winded for a costume change and says:

Jacko: Get out there son. It’s your turn.

PMI: Buuuut Daaaaad! I don’t wanna do the zombie dance!

Jacko: (changing his shirt) Just get out there and do the zombie!

PMI: I don’t wanna!

Jacko: (changing his pants) Fine, then no more alleged wine-filled sleepovers for you at other adult males’ houses.

Then PMI sulks to the stage and does the zombie dance, but the audience can tell his heart’s not in it.

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And it’s all thanks to that sheik’s lawsuit that threatens to push Michael Jackson into permanent financial ruin. According to reports, Michael Jackson will fly to London next week to give his testimony in the case that literally everyone’s calling ‘about the millionth Michael Jackson lawsuit of the last couple of years, and certainly one of the most dreary’.

But you know what this means? This means that if Michael Jackson’s going to court then the old Michael Jackson lookalike used in the TV coverage of his child molestation trial will get some work that doesn’t involve starring in adverts about the dangers of being hit in the face with a firework or being a scarecrow for once! This must be the happiest day of that particular Michael Jackson impersonator’s life.

Michael Jackson has a special history with London. It’s London that usually gets chosen as the venue for Michael Jackson’s eternally-delayed comeback concert even though not a single person on the planet believes it’ll ever happen.

It was London where Michael Jackson gave his now iconic ‘three lines of We Are The World and a sharp exit‘ performance of 2006. And, most fondly of all, it was London where Michael Jackson was allegedly caught jumping around on a hotel bed dressed as Mickey Mouse accompanied by several children in Peter Pan costumes a few weeks after being acquitted of child molestation. Ah, the memories.

And now it’s been reported that Michael Jackson is due to return to London next week, although sadly for something that doesn’t conjure up as many bone-chilling mental images – his lawsuit.

Remember Sheikh Abdulla bin Hamad Al Khalifa, the man suing Michael Jackson because he apparently gave Michael Jackson millions of dollars and let him live in his house on the proviso that they made an album together? Well, he’s called Michael Jackson to court to defend himself, as Reuters reports:

Singer Michael Jackson plans to testify next week in a British court in a lawsuit brought against him by a Bahrain prince, Jackson’s lawyer said on Thursday. “Mister Jackson is intending to travel to this country…and will be available to give evidence to your lordship,” Jackson’s lawyer Robert Englehart told the British High Court in London. The singer is expected to take the witness stand on Monday.

Now, don’t get your hopes up. Michael Jackson has already tried to wriggle out of the court appearance once by claiming that he was too ill, and Monday is a long way off yet – in Michael Jackson’s world that’s enough time to catch six or seven new illnesses, to be hit with about 400 new lawsuits and for a large percentage of his face to slip away from his skull like a sort of gruesome melting icecap. His court appearance is nothing like a dead cert yet.

But Michael Jackson would be a fool not to come to London. Not only does the court need to hear his side of the argument – that he assumed everything the sheik lavished on him was a gift – but also, if he does lose the case and end up penniless, he’ll be nice and close to King’s Cross. And if he wants to rebuild his fortune anywhere, he’ll find that wanking off drunk businessmen in an alleyway for pennies is probably the best way to start.

Oh, and you get to be complete and total prannocks about seemingly everything involving the internet, yet still somehow manage to maintain the credibility that would clearly be destroyed if you were any other musical act in the world. Things, they are strange.

For this time Metallica have decided that allowing people they have invited to listen to their new music to review it would be something of a cardinal sin. Possibly on a par with the holocaust, but we’re still waiting for a quote on that one.

It all began a few days ago when the band invited a number of music journalists to hear their new material, somewhere in London. These critics gorged their aural senses with the gravelly-voiced delights of James Hetfield and co. and returned to their respective abodes, fresh in the knowledge that they could freely impart their newfound wisdom to the fans of the world.

Unfortunately, these journos seemed to forget that to satiate the hunger of these waiting Metallica fans they would have to use the tool most hated by the band: the internet. In using this evil device – which was probably crafted by Satan no less – the information pertaining to the new album was uploaded onto a few blogs.

Good God, what were they thinking?!

It didn’t take too long for Metallica to get wind of this though, and soon enough they were out bullying the sites where reviews were hosted, forcing them to withdraw the offending articles.

Just as with the horror that was Napster and its ridiculous idea of a future where digital distribution could thrive, the tiny, underprivileged band managed to safeguard their music and their reputation once more.

So thank you, Metallica. Thank you for being so utterly, completely and totally insane. Thank you for hating technology, discouraging innovation and stamping down on all those far smaller than you. It makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside to know that you’re still a bunch of tossers.

You may be wondering why on earth anyone in their right mind would deem Britney Spears an appropriate figure to take on the role of one of America’s all time great femme fatales but, before you get carried away with that thought, just stop to consider a few things:

First of all, Blanche, as all over 50s and film students know, comes from a small town in Mississippi. And where does Britney come from? That’s right; a small town in Mississippi.

Blanche is eventually exposed as an alcoholic, and Britney too has been found out to be dependent on a drug or two .

And, as if that wasn't enough, later on in the story Blanche has a nervous breakdown and is shipped off to a mental hospital.

Not so sure about yourself anymore, are you dear reader? Suddenly it becomes all too apparent why someone might deem the girl suitable.

There is one potent misnomer though, which is that when Blanche looks upon the vicious, working-class, alpha-male that is Stanley Kowalski, she sees nothing but a hideous ‘ape’, and tries but fails to fight off his sexual advances. Whereas Britney…

A source close to the production said of Miss Spears:

"She has poise, timing and real flair. We’d wanted her for Blanche because even though she’s technically too young to play her, who else could embody this fallen southern belle so well? She’s living out the story, so to harness that on stage would be amazing for an audience to see – and cathartic for Britney too."

Maybe you’re right, Mr ‘close source to the production’, but perhaps instead of trying to find therapy in humiliating herself night after night in front of the boos and hisses of the baying-for-her-blood British theatre-going public, she could just have a lie down and a cup of tea?

It’s just a thought.

Read More – Britney Spears Gets Role In Play – Trans World News 

Madonna, as we all know, is a renegade – in both senses of the word.

Indeed, if you were to google the word 'renegade', the returning results would probably offer little more than a biog of her maverick career, alongside the likes of Jesse James, Billy the Kid and Mel Gibson.

What Madonna wants, Madonna gets. If Madonna wants a 'brown' baby, Madonna gets a 'brown' baby. If Madonna wants to speak on behalf of Jesus, then she will goddamn speak on behalf of Jesus. And if Madonna wants to post a video of herself inserting a crucifix into her vagina, then Madonna will, without a moment's hesitation, post a video of herself inserting a crucifix into her vagina (we seem to be having some trouble getting that last link to work, for some fictitious reason. You dirty bastards).

And if Madonna wants to emigrate to the UK and call the Mayor of London a commy-twat then, well, she'll do it, won't she? And she has. Talking to Q Magazine, she said:

"Will Ken Livingstone get my vote? No. The traffic in London is worse
than ever now. All Red Ken wants is roadworks going on everywhere."

Worse than ever? She's only been living there five minutes and suddenly she's an expert on the history of London's infrastructure!? Just another day in the life of a renegade, we suppose. But what exactly would Madonna do if she was in 'Red' Ken's shoes?

"I would make it so that young musicians, aspiring musicians, wouldn't have to pay the congestion charge or pay taxes. They would be exempt from those kind of things, so they would have more money to do other things." 

Wow! Madonna for Mayor! Madonna for Mayor! God, imagine that, what a wonderful world this would be! She'd certainly get our vote. But we're quite short-sighted when it comes to economics here at hecklerspray, and so – just to be on the safe side – we have run Madge's proposal past the pedantic ear of hecklerspray's senior economist, Samuel Long, who commented thus:

"If the 'Madonna Tax' was to come in to effect, then she would certainly have – in the initial few weeks, at least – the highest approval rating in living memory. But as the population of London wise up to the fact that all they need do to avoid paying taxes is buy themselves a cheap guitar and learn their first chord then, within a month, society as we know it would shut down entirely. The budget would be depleted to levels not seen since pre-1308. There would be inadequate funding for the dustmen and the police to sweep up the dirt and scum that would be violently erupting on the streets. Within two months women and children would be being raped willy-nilly, each and everyone of us would be praying to God to forgive us for ever listening to this heathen, and the Thames would be swimming with rotting Westfields and Fender Stratocasters. Basically, what I'm saying is that Ken Livingstone would have the last laugh."

God damn Samuel Long – he always ruins everything! First, he rejects Stuart Heritage's proposal of getting our own hecklerspray helicopter – our own hecklercopter to trawl the sky for up-to-the-minute celebrity news – just because 'we absolutely can't afford it' and that 'it's totally immoral to hover over Christina Aguilera's house trying to perve on her back-garden love making'.

He spoils all our fun. 

Still, he's probably right.

Read More – Red Ken won't get my vote – Madonna – The Press Association

Still you can't have everything you want in life, but regardless of our own potential ego-boosting propaganda of this band not being recognised, the venue was still rammed to capacity. For those who had never been to the place before, it was a unique little venue. The theatre-style layout presented the perfect viewing platform from nearly every angle. Though if you wanted to be packed in close with your fellow gig-goer, the chance was still there.

After being stopped and hassled by security who had nothing better to do, we were able to enter the venue and walk straight in to support band Apostle Of Hustle's set. As they are on the same label as Stars, the style of the band wasn't that to dissimilar of who we'd came to see. This three-piece however had some unique quirky ideas of their own.

Looking they hadn't dressed for a week or so, there sound managed to combine a mix ranging from samba to indie to hints of electronica and post rock. Obviously ones not shy of mixing things up, they waltzed around the stage like they'd played there plenty of times before. The highlight of the set came when they presented a song written about former N.W.A member Easy E. This strange guitar-based ballad saw the drummer leave his sticks behind as he prepared to sit on a block of wood in the middle of the stage. Simply using his hands, he banged away as the other members played.

At roughly 9.30pm, Stars were finished setting up their various bits of equipment and graced the stage to huge whoops and cheers from the adoring audience. Now, it's always good when a band you like plays a song you really enjoy. So imagine our joy after they tuned up their instruments and kicked off the night with our favourite song Ageless Beauty from the album Set Yourself On Fire. We were quite overjoyed and fully expect to see Youtube footage appearing on the internet soon with our dog-like howls ruining the entire thing.

Whilst the band were on a tour to publicise copies of their newest album In Our Bedroom After The War they didn't forget about all of their other material and played a comfortable mix of songs from the current crop to the older and more obscure stuff. Each song went down a storm with the crowd and it was clear from the energy the crowd generated fed back to the band. They almost seemed overwhelmed with the response that they were getting and it wasn't until the final song of the evening – the title track from their newest album, that the looks of joy and happiness appeared on their faces.

Nothing could be faulted. Even the set-up on stage had its own unique little touch to it. Various lamps decorated the set and it gave the night an almost homely feel. The band were even giving things to the crowd in an almost panto style. Flowers were being thrown in to the audience throughout the night which we can only assume caused mini riots between various groups of girls as they fought for a free present.

Though true to the finale of a theatre production, every single flower should have been tossed back on to the stage to congratulate the band on an excellent performance.

Anyway, thanks to the release of that video where Amy Winehouse appears to be inhaling every last atom of crack in the universe through a glass pipe after a mighty big drug binge, Amy's finally decided to get herself off to rehab for good.

True, Amy Winehouse does already have one unsuccessful rehab stint under her belt, but she's learnt her lesson with this rehab – this one's in central London and not on a private island, so she won't have to wait for a helicopter when she inevitably sacks it off and goes down the pub.

Amy Winehouse has something of a history with rehab. Rumour has it that one of her songs is about rehab – possibly Just Friends – plus after that time she nearly died from a drug overdose, Amy Winehouse went to rehab for about 35 minutes before she decided to run off home again.

But it seems as if Amy Winehouse's alternative method of treatment – fighting her husband with razorblades and then watching him go to jail – hasn't particularly done a lot of good, if that video apparently showing Amy Winehouse smoking crack after a cocaine, ecstasy and valium binge is anything to go by.

However, aside from pissing on our plans to open a £10,000-per-day razorblade-fighting rehabilitation centre for the next time Lindsay Lohan falls off the wagon, the crack video seems to have convinced Amy Winehouse to get proper long-term treatment, which is why she's just put herself into rehab, in the form of the London Capio Nightingale Hospital. CNN reports:

"Amy decided to enter the facility today after talks with her record label, management, family and doctors," the Universal Music Group said in a written statement. "She has come to understand that she requires specialist treatment to continue her ongoing recovery from drug addiction and prepare for her planned appearance at the Grammy Awards. … Amy entered the facility by mutual agreement and continues to receive the full support of all concerned."

Will this rehab stint be successful for Amy Winehouse? Well, that surely depends on why she's decided to go there. If Amy Winehouse has entered rehab for herself, to get cleaned up for good in professional medical surroundings, then there's a good chance her stay will help her a lot.

But if Amy is just doing it so that the police will get off her back and the American government will give her a visa for any US shows and isn't committed to her recovery, then chances are it won't work.

And if Amy Winehouse has just gone to rehab because it's a safe place to hide from Mary J Blige's annoying advice, then that's probably just fair enough.

Read more: 

Amy Winehouse going back to rehab - CNN

We at hecklerspray are always looking for new and exciting things to entertain us. And we've found something that is in fact not new, but it is very exciting – Sing-A-Long Sound of Music is currently playing at the Prince Charles’ Cinema in Leicester Square, London. 

The concept is simple; you watch the original 1965 The Sound of Music in a cinema like setting and sing along to all the classics. It is a safe and hopefully soundproofed haven to exercise your inner Julie. For those of you who do not know the lyrics (89% of the male population), fear not – they do appear on screen throughout every song. For the rest, you can sit back, close your eyes (you know who you are) and sing your heart out. 

There are naturally, the die hard fans who take it quite seriously; they tend not to dress up and seem a little affronted at those who heckle and shout out. However they add a certain charm to the evening and it’s not just their Maria haircuts.  

There is a 30-minute warm-up before the show starts by aptly named drag queen Candy Van Floss. The second she started making us impersonate cattle, we knew we were in for a good night. A goody bag is also included with props which you wave every now and then depending on the scene or the song, as long as you’re waving something it doesn’t seem to matter if you don’t get it quite right. 

There is also a prize for best costumes – the winners when we went included a hill, a nun, a pixie/goblin, and a man dressed in yellow called 'Ray' (our personal favourite). The whole show including warm up and interval lasts just under four hours with the reasonably priced bar open throughout.  

For £14 a ticket it really is an affordable and unusual Saturday night out. With a few frightening exceptions aside, where else would you get to sing alongside a nun with a beard? So grab a group of willing friends, some imaginative costumes and head for the hills – Julie is waiting for yieu and yieu and yieu. 

[story by Gemma Addy] 

After all, the idea of being surrounded by rat-faced violent sociopaths for an entire month is something that should send a shiver down the spine of any right-thinking human being. Unless, of course, you live anywhere near Wigan, in which case that's just business as usual all year round.

Still – there's actually one thing that unsettles us more than spending 30 days in the company of bloodsucking vampires, and that's spending 30 days in the company of 'unique' pop star Michael Jackson. Note: this fear isn't particularly based on any of his face-falling-apart, dangling-babies-over-balconies habits, but more to do with the fact that he might try singing Heal The World at us over and over again.

You've gotta feel sorry, then, for the O2 Arena. For it's looking very likely that Jacko is all set to fly over to the UK and perform a 30 day stint. A bit like Prince did, except that everyone going to see him only really paid attention to the popular eighties stuff and politely ignored the rest.

Hang on…

Anyway. The rumours stem from the News of The World, which also reports that Jackson will be set to pocket a million pounds a night from this little shebang, leaving him with 30 million smackers with which to engage in all sorts of tree-climbing, closing-down-supermarkets-so-that-just-he-can-use-them, fairground-building antics. Or maybe just to help pay off those pesky legal fees that he's been feverishly collecting like Panini stickers over the years.

Chances are also big that these upcoming shows could see a big guest-star turnout. Jackson's latest album – eagerly awaited by someone, somewhere, apparently – features a multitude of collaborators including Black Eyed Peas bloke Will.i.am and mumbling 'rapper' 50 Cent. We're sure there'll be lots of other surprises too – maybe a cameo stage spot from a local children's choir.

Actually… nah. That'd probably be a bad idea. Only because the two forms of music being expressed by the respective artists may prove incompatible. And no other reason. Obviously.

Did we say that loud enough? Obviously.

Read More:

Jacko Set For O2 stint? – BBC

During their performance of Mama at the O2 arena in London on Tuesday night, it's been reported that most of the Spice Girls brought their children onstage to say hello to the thousands of buyerless eBay touts who make up their audience these days. In the middle of the song Victoria Beckham, Mel B and Emma Bunton all brought their kids out on stage. In fact, the only Spice Girl mother not to introduce her child to the audience was Geri Halliwell, for fear that the effect of 20,000 people all derisively going "pffft" at the same time after hearing the name Bluebell Madonna would knock over a lighting rig or flip the stage upside down or something.

Now that The Spice Girls world tour has hit its absurdly long residency at London's O2 arena, the girls can put all their troubles behind them. They don't have to worry about gimmicky sales promotions or appalling Tesco adverts, tanking comeback singles or half-sold concerts, because they're in London, and everyone in London loves the Spice Girls.

These London concerts mean so much to the Spice Girls that not even Emma Bunton's buggered-up ankle can stop the girls doing what they love best – tightly grinning through their reported inter-group rucks and performing the same decade-old songs in exactly the same way night after night after night. Except for Tuesday night, that is, when the Spice Girls planned something slightly different.

According to reports, the Spice Girls brought their children onstage during their performance of Mama. It was a joyous moment for sure – you'd need to have a heart as cold as ice not to well up at the sight of six frightened children being hauled in front of tens of thousands of hysterically-screaming strangers by their oddly-dressed mothers. The Press Association reports:

Victoria Beckham decked out her boys, Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz in matching T-shirts emblazoned with the words 'POSH'. Baby Spice Emma Bunton cuddled four-month-old son Beau, while Mel B brought along daughters Phoenix Chi and Angel Iris. The children wore bright green ear muffs to protect them against the noise. Geri Halliwell's daughter Bluebell was the only Spice offspring missing.

For what it's worth, Mel C couldn't bring any children onstage because she hasn't had any yet. But don't be sad, because she doesn't need children – she's got her pet cats, which are almost like babies in the sense that she dresses them up as babies, makes them sleep in cots, constantly tries to enrol them in local nursery schools, carries them around in a papoose, weens them on a diet of milk direct from her own breast and gets angry if you refer to them as cats instead of people.

Anyway, isn't it a weird song choice to bring the Spice Kids out on? Mama is a song that's all about how much the Spice Girls love their mothers, and by bringing their children out, surely the implication is that the Spice Girls are singing it to themselves. In fact, they might as well have just sung a song called The Spice Girls Are Brilliant – a statement that's at best wrong and at worst dangerous.

But that's just a minor quibble. Judging by the reaction that they got with their children, it seems as if audiences love watching the Spice Girls make literal displays of their songs like this. Hopefully it'll continue throughout their London residency – perhaps for Spice Up Your Life the girls can rub freshly-chopped chillies into their eyes or mace each other.

And the prospect of what they'd do during Stop is just too exciting to bear.

Read more:

Spice babies join 'Mamas' on stage - Press Association 

Apparently David Gest was rushed to a private London hospital early this morning, where his condition is now being described as stable. According to David Gest's spokeswoman:

"At 5.30am, David Gest was admitted to hospital, after suffering from severe chest pains and respiratory problems. David is stable and receiving the best medical attention. We are awaiting a further update from doctors."

Hopefully this means that this supposed heart attack wasn't a serious one, and that David Gest will be able to return to his job producing the inexplicable touring stage-based autobiography David Gest Is Nuts – My Life as a Musical starring Shalamar and Gloria Gaynor.

However, we can't help feeling that fate is starting to punish anyone who attended David Gest and Liza Minnelli's wedding back in 2002. First Liza Minnelli collapses and falls off a stage and now David Gest is rushed to hospital with a suspected heart attack. That means it's the turn of the bridesmaids next – quick, someone call Martine McCutcheon and tell her to hide herself safely in a cupboard away from the public eye for about 70 or 80 years.

Read more:

David Gest Rushed To Hospital – Metro