It's been reported that Britney Spears has somehow managed to pick herself up a stalker. Not just any stalker either, but one who keeps sending her packages of sex toys, threatening porno letters and mutilated pictures of himself squirting an unidentified yellow liquid into his mouth.

The details of Britney Spears' alleged stalker have now been passed on to the FBI, which seems like an odd thing to do. After all, he sounds like a better catch than Kevin Federline.

Stalkers aren't normally known for their good judgement – call us old fashioned but we wouldn't employ someone if they handed us a CV with 'throwing bags of screwdrivers over John Cusack's fence' or 'composing songs about the time I fucked Alec Baldwin in his ass' in the Hobbies And Interests categories. Because, really, John Cusack and Alec Baldwin? That's just weird.

But stalking Britney Spears? Actually, we can see that. After all, Britney Spears isn't just vulnerable to the point where she needs psychiatric evaluation these days, she's also got a proven history of having sex with creepy people that follow her around all the time. And when you're a stalker, that's just an unbeatable combination.

So it's no surprise that Britney Spears has apparently picked herself up a stalker. And, as stalkers go, Britney Spears' one seems like quite the generous chap. Rather than constantly trying to run the object of his affection over, or hand-drawing pictures of them digging his grave while he walks along a knife, Britney Spears' stalker keeps sending him all the mechanical sex aids she could ever wish for. OK! reports:

"It started about six weeks ago with just letters being sent once a week," a source who has seen the packages reveals to OK!. "And then it quickly escalated to larger packages that now arrive two to three times a week — always to the same L.A. address, but never to one of Britney's homes… The first thing you see when you open the box is a huge, lavender-colored, battery-operated sex toy," the source tells OK!. "Still with the price tag on it." And alongside the mechanical apparatus are two letters — one handwritten and one written on a computer — both threatening and pornographic in nature.

See? That's how you know it's real love – when a stalker sends you a dildo and keeps the price tag on it. If we were stalking Britney Spears, we'd want her to know exactly how much we were spending on nightmarish, oddly-coloured dildos to win her over, too. 

Not that Britney Spears has seen any of this, that it. In her fragile state, a box with a massive vibrator in it is the last thing she needs to see. Instead, the stalker's packages are being sent to the FBI, who shouldn't have a very difficult job in tracing him because a) he's sent a photo of himself and b) he's also politely included a return address on all the parcels. Which we can all agree is jolly lovely of him.

But even if those details weren't included in the parcels, it wouldn't have been too hard to identify Britney Spears' stalker. Apparently the letters he sent Britney were angry, incomprehensible, full of threats and written entirely in capital letters.

Oh God. He's one of you! 

Read more:

Britney Stalker Details Revealed - OK 

However, we hold our hands up now and admit this incident has come true. We all know about Princess Diana. She was the people’s princess, the princess of hearts. Despite being dead for over ten years now, she is still making the news. Just think of her as the equivalent of Tupac. But still, Mohamed Al Fayed claims the Duke of Edinburgh was behind a plot to murder Diana and his son Dodi before they got married. But some just-unearthed letters say he might not have been, actually. It’s almost like some sort of bad film script.  

Princess Diana is still big business. She's been dead for over a decade now, and yet newspapers are still full of chatter  about her, creepy commemorative death-plates are still being sold on eBay and this year there was even a concert to keep her ghost happy or something.

The one-off Diana charity gig offered a lot of performers the chance to turn up and pretend they cared about the cause – like Kanye West. We don’t think that he would dropped his best porcelain tea cup set at the news of her death in August 1997. Still the gig went ahead and provided us with plenty of laughs when the camera cut to members of the Royal Family trying to pull out the best disco moves, or when the random bands that performed tried to make some sort of dodgy excuse about what the Princess meant to them.

So ten years on, people are still bickering about who actually killed Diana and Dodi. Conspiracy theorists around the world wet themselves on a daily basis as they spawn multiple excuses. Did the Queen don her best camouflage gear and set out to kill them on some sort of sniper mission? Did the couple actually die but actually pay people to die for them so they could go and live on a magical island with Elvis and all the aliens from Roswell? Or did the driver just get pissed and lose control of the car?  

At the ongoing Diana inquest, evidence has emerged that the Duke of Edinburgh and Diana were in communication via letter. This may not seem that exciting, but it does go some way of pissing on Mohamed Al Fayed’s theory that the Duke wanted her dead. As the BBC reports, one of the letters written by him from 1992 said:

"If invited, I will always do my utmost to help you and Charles to the best of my ability, but I am quite ready to concede that I have no talents as a marriage counsellor!!!"

Diana replied with:

“Dearest Pa, I was particularly touched by your most recent letter which proved to me, if I didn't already know it, that you really do care. You are very modest about your marriage guidance skills and I disagree with you. This latest letter of yours showed great understanding and tact and I hope to be able to draw on your advice in the months ahead."

Unless he was the world’s greatest killer who coaxed his victim in to a false sense of security for over five years, Prince Phillip might not be the murdery old bugger some people thought he might be. With this theory of death by Royal Family order seemingly blown away, we can turn to the mystery of who keeps on stealing our bloody milk every morning.  

Read more: 

Jury sees duke's letters to Diana – BBC