Calling all you single ladies! Have you starred in a successful sitcom in the last 20 years that’s completely overshadowed the rest of your career?

Then good news!

You can follow in the footsteps of Sarah Chalke and resign yourself to the fact that you’ll never amount to anything more than a 1 dimensional stereotype that never managed to get top billing and decide to see out the rest of your days rubbing your thighs and being all sassy on, what is fast becoming television’s equivalent of a hospice, Cougar Town.

The artist formerly known as Elliot from Scrubs has traded her stethoscope for a 14 year old Philipino boy with rock hard abs and an oh-so-stylish moustache that just about makes him look legal, to join forces with the woman formerly known as Jordan from Scrubs, as well as that one from Friends who used to be married to David Arquette and the one from Freaks and Geeks who was the only one to not have a semi decent career.

With Chalke now on board, we here at hecklerspray can’t help but wonder who will be next to spread their legs and fly genitals first into Cougar Town.

Julie Benz

Benz was dramatically offed at the very end of Dexter, series 4, so maybe it’s time for her to dramatically get off with the pool boy and just accept that Dexter was the pinnacle of her career. Unless you count that last Rambo sequel… in which case we suggest you get help.

Kristin Davis

Sex and the City was massive. So massive that every woman in the world is either a Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha or A Ginger One. The TV series was so massive that it spawned 2 entire films that seemed to be specifically designed to torment boyfriends and male cinema staff all over the world. Let’s be honest Kristin, no matter how many sex tapes you release you’ll never escape the fact that you ARE Charlotte. Why not embrace this inevitability and have her strut her way back onto our screens via the mean streets of Cougar Town.

Sean Hayes

Actor/producer/writer. Sean Hayes, much like his Will and Grace character Jack McFarland, really is a triple threat. Unfortunately this threat hasn’t been too threatening since his stint as the ultra camp performance artist. Sean needs to tap dance his way back onto our screens and provide Cougar Town with the musical numbers it so richly deserves. Besides, Cougar Town is going to need at least one old queen to mop up its snail trail sodden streets.

Place your bets now, before the menopause takes hold and dries Cougar Town up.

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Not really a refreshing vacation, Couples Retreat. Instead, expect the kind of thrills you’d get on a wet summer’s day in Butlins.

Starting off well, Couples Retreat sees Vince Vaughn dream up an idea about a holiday resort for couples – who get to indulge in the fine food, the bright blue water and the pristine sands, but only after they have finished partaking in the non-negotiable therapy courses. Hilarity should ensue, and at first it looks set to do just that.

Vaughn is joined by his old friend and sometime Iron Man director Jon Favreau in both acting and scripting duties. Surprisingly, the Swingers duo manage to change roles from their debut outing. Here Favreau manages to be the loose womaniser with questionable morals, while Vince looks on with a few sharp, well-placed one-liners. You’d think the film was an exercise in bringing this couple back together. It’s not, though – a supporting cast features more familiar faces.

The purpose of filling the film with these four sets of couples is clearly to make it relate on some level with different members of the audience – a trick that is sure to work. Jason Bateman is always a welcome addition to any cast, and here he plays the uptight but seemingly happily husband of Kristen Bell‘s Cynthia. Of all the couples, they are the most difficult to accept as a real pairing. Sticking glasses on a hot woman does not make her a nerd. Cinematic history has taught this lesson on several occasions, but this couple is even harder to swallow considering how old the two are – presumably he proposed to her when she was an embryo.

As the couples embark on the resort, they are first shown around and taken aback by its beauty, as is the audience. We Brits may notice Shaun of the Dead and Spaced alumni Peter Serafinowicz playing the resorts manager, Sctanley, who insists his name is spelt with a ‘C’. An odd role and not one as nearly as funny as the film thinks it is. As the couples indulge in the therapy, we get to meet the therapists (a scene stealing Michael John Higgins is a stand-out) and also the resort’s owner Marcel, played by Jean Reno.

The film packs in plenty of characters and, as they first take part in the therapy sessions, it amuses – especially the awkward yoga scene with an overly enthusiastic instructor. The characters soon start realising truths about themselves and, after the young Trudy runs away to the neighbouring island, they find themselves following her.

Trudy’s exile occurs in the last third of the film, the toughest part of any film to master. Before this, it moves along at a nice enough pace with a few chuckles here and there to make this a likeable, if not unspectacular comedy. But never before have we witnessed such a sudden drop in quality.

Alarm bells start ringing after the utterly illogical motives of the leads as they split off. Some turn character for no other reason than to create conflict and to propel the plot in a certain direction. One scene involves Dave (Vaughn) having a face-off on Guitar Hero with Sctanley – a scene that is woeful between two adults to begin with, but soon becomes the most spectacularly badly edited sequence in a major movie of the 21st century.

Then as they reach the ‘party island’ they resolve all their issues in the midst of all the drinking and dancing. It becomes a repulsive display of a cinematic closure, one made more offensive by the sudden appearance of Shane‘s (Faizon Love) ex-wife. The film then pretends that all this was part of the therapy and that the infinitely wise Marcel knew what was coming and what everyone would do, and implausibly gives them all wooden animals to represent their spirit.

Now the film is all wrapped up in a nice package and as the credits roll we get treated to snaps of the stars jet-skiing, swimming with dolphins and enjoying the sun, sea and sand. It soon becomes apparent that some idiot studio executive has just paid a bunch of actors to go on an extended holiday.

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Sex tape karma is a beautiful thing – after making us pray for blindness with the Gene Simmons sex tape, it's now repaying us with a Kristin Davis sex tape.

You know, Kristin Davis. The uppity one from Sex And The City. There's a Kristin Davis sex tape. And there's not even a second of 1980s power-ballad in there at all. Take that, Simmons.

Except, wait, buckle your belt back up – Kristin Davis says that the Kristin Davis sex tape is a phony. That's not her in the sex tape gobbling on a man's genitals or in the accompanying pictures sitting on a toilet with her minge sticking out, Kristin says. She only knows because in the real Kristin Davis sex tape she's wearing a pony saddle, a pair of safety goggles and is covered head-to-toe in bacon. We heard.

Of all the stars of Sex And The City, Kristin Davis is the one you'd hope made a sex tape. A Kim Cattrall sex tape would be largely pointless because she's such a slag on the TV show, a Cynthia Nixon sex tape would be weird because – although a lesbian – she's also fiercely ginger, and we daren't even contemplate a Sarah Jessica Parker sex tape. Bleurgh.

So a Kristin Davis sex tape it is, not just because of a strange, freshly-invented default system but also because she's the most beautiful woman in the world. So imagine everyone's delight yesterday, then, when what was claimed to be a Kristin Davis sex tape and set of explicit photographs were found all over the internet.

Truly, it was the lucky strike of celebrity internet sex tapes – less nauseating than the Gene Simmons sex tape, less emotionally troubling than the Screech from Saved By The Bell sex tape and less hopelessly obscure than the Kim Kardashian sex tape, the Kristin Davis sex tape featured a pretty girl who you'd never expect to be filthy doing nasty things to a man. Perfect.

Except that, as far as she's concerned, the Kristin Davis sex tape is more of a Meg White-style fake sex tape. She's denied the whole bloody thing. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

"Sex and the City" actress Kristin Davis has laughed off reports she is the star of an Internet sex tape, according to TMZ.com. Pictures have swept the Internet, appearing to show the clean-cut 43-year-old engaging in a sex act, with the promise of an explicit tape. But Davis' representative insists, "This is not a photo of Kristin Davis. There is no sex tape."

You'd think that a simple denial would clear everything up, but it hasn't. Other reports are saying that the Kristin Davis sex tape is fake but the pictures are absolutely real and taken in 1992 by an ex-boyfriend. Which could be true. The naked Kristin Davis photos are here for you to decide how real they are, but be warned – not only is the link not safe for work, it will also lead to images containing more public hair that you'll have ever seen, unless you've ever had a job sweeping up at a Russian bikini wax salon in the late eighties.  

We have to admit that the timing of the Kristin Davis sex tape and naked photos is a little suspect. In the next few months, the Sex And The City movie is being released, and suddenly we see some candid photos of one of its stars having sex? What if this is some form of unconventional marketing campaign?

Lord, we hope not – if it is, then the Sarah Jessica Parker sex tape can only be weeks away. We're going to avoid eating any solids until the film's released as a precaution.

Read more:

Davis Denies Sex Tape Reports – SF Chronicle