On the set of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, Tom Cruise thought he’d go and do a nice thing for Simon Pegg – talk to him like he knew who he was. And what did they talk about? What any celebrity would talk about of course!

Soiled undercrackers!

That’s right. Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg talked about nappies, teaming with faecal matter while playing make-believe like big, hairy and very stupid children. Meanwhile, everyone else presumably looked on wondering if Cruise was trying to recruit someone for Scientology because he’s bang into that alien guff isn’t he?

Talking about what (some of the things) Tom spoke about on set, Simon said:

‘We talked a lot about fatherhood. Stuff like what nappies you buy, teaching your kid to ride a bike. Ordinary stuff.’

No aliens then? No Thetan whatsit?

Well. Maybe. See, Simon ‘You liked him better when he seemed nice in Spaced, rather than this diamond eyed careerist in Hollywood’ Pegg  revealed that, when he was feeling blue and homesick, Cruise would offer to stay late and keep him company.

Pegg got all dewy eyed, adding:

‘He is kind of superhuman. I mean, he’s incredibly good-looking. He’s a very good actor. He’s built. He’s 49 and looks 32. He is beyond criticism.

‘He’s at the top despite the cynical beatings that he receives. It’s because he conducts himself properly. If you start believing all that c**p about how important you are, that’s when you stop working, because nobody wants to work with an a***hole.’

Sounds like someone has totally been converted, eh?

Tom Cruise took off as Maverick in Top Gun over 25 years ago and now, in a bid to distract us from his peculiar religious/cult* views, he’s saying that he might be taking to the air again in Top Gun 2.

Obviously, Hollywood is clean out of fresh ideas at the moment.

Cruise is currently promoting his fourth Mission: Impossible film, and he’s told MTV that there’s been discussions with Top Gun director Tony Scott and producer Jerry Bruckheimer about revisiting the film which Quentin Tarantino thinks is about being gay.

Cruise said, while everyone glared at him thinking about nothing other than Scientology:

“I said to Tony, I want to make another movie with him… Tony and I and Jerry, we never thought that we would do it again. Then they started to come to us with these ideas of where it is now. I thought, ‘Wow, that would be… what we could do now’”

Come up with a new idea and not rest on your laurels perhaps?

He continued:

“If we can find a story that suits what we all want to do… we all want to make a film that is in the same kind of tone as the other one and shoot it in the same way as we shot ‘Top Gun.’”

Of course, this is all dependent on whether there’s an appetite for Tom Cruise by the time its takes this project to get off the ground.

We all know that he’s nowhere near as loved as he was, pre-alien bothery.

*Let’s just clear this ‘cult’ thing up, lest Scientology get all jumpy about it all. Basically, Scientology sees itself as a religion. We see all religions as cults. So, far from trying to discredit Scientology, we’re actually discrediting all religion as a load of bunkum. Soz ‘ard.

The celebrity autobiography is a funny thing. For example, Geri Halliwell has fourteen of them out and Katie Price, a whopping 5,460 biographies written in her best joined-up handwriting. Even Justin Bieber has three biogs out, even though he’s only a matter of weeks old.

And so, the next kid to get a book deal is Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter, Suri, and she’s only five years old!

Five years old! She can barely wipe her own hoon, let alone manipulate a quill. Still, maybe daddy’s alien friends can give her secret powers to overcome that little obstacle called age?

Of course, no-one is stupid enough to offer Suri Cruise a biography deal (or maybe they are? Some of the worst scum you’ll meet work in publishing don’t they? Apart from any watching who want to give hecklerspray some ill-advised book deal so we can release a Beano-style Christmas annual, eh?) so what’s going on?

Well, it’s been reported that Suri is to write a children’s book.

This makes sense because, at 5, you’ve really not experienced the world enough to write a Danielle Steele novel or some kind of spy-thriller.

Apparently, some utterly unreliable source informs the world’s press, she’s already written it and Tom and Katie think it’s ‘so good, they plan to publish it when she’s finished.’

Some other source who probably hasn’t met The Cruises, adds:

‘Not only is Suri writing the book, she’s also working on all the illustrations.’

E! News say that a representative for Tom and Katie have denied the report, but we’ve gone and written all this anyway. Seriously. This is what it’s like being a gossip writer.

Professional headcase Tom Cruise has admitted to being terrified of the melodic word with his fear coming to a very public fore while filming his new waste of time “Rock Of Ages”.

Tom Cruise is well renowned throughout the world, both as an actor, a producer and as someone who doesn’t know when a franchise is dead (See: Mission: Impossible) but his ability to sing has never been called into question. Even in 1983 “classic” Risky Business, Tom used Bob Seger as a voice double during his trouserless performance of Old Time Rock n’ Roll.

Let’s be fair to Tom though, singing is a terrifying experience. One need only spend five minutes in the company of a Glee Survivor to know that not only are their vocal chords destroyed, their careers are all-but ruined by incessant autotune abuse. DARE to say no to singing.

Still, Cruise will be playing a character called Stacee Jaxx (RAWK!) in the Hollywood version of the Broadway play, meaning he’ll be strapping on some leather trousers and cracking out his best Lulu impression to hit some of rock’s classic tracks.

Apparently, singing is more terrifying than any stunt he’s ever performed. Even that one where he climbs a mountain without any safety harnesses wearing a horrible pair of sunglasses. Or the one where he punches a helicopter out of the air (stay tuned for Ghost Protocol). He told the LA Times:

“They all have their risks.”

Most things do. The actor shied away from thanking Aliens or Master Hubbard for his “god”-given musical talent, instead deciding to thank his earthly oracle and How I Met Your Mother guest star- Katie Holmes-Cruise:

“I had started dancing because I was inspired by my wife. She kept saying, ‘You’ve got to do a musical sometime’.

“Kate’s a dancer, so she would say, ‘Let’s go to dance class’, and she would take us and that’s how I kind of came up with the idea of Les Grossman doing hip-hop. And then to take it to this level with this? It was really fun.”

It better be, Tom. It better be.

How would you describe Katie Holmes? Attractive? Wholesome? Trapped in a loveless marriage to a man who controls her every action, safe in the knowledge that aliens told him to do it because he’s the chosen one?

No?

How about ‘Pumpkin slut’? Go on, say it out loud. It has a lovely ring to it and rolls off the tongue nicely. Slutty pumpkin! Tarty lantern! Halloween hussy! That’s right kids, the witching hour is near and Holmes is going to get all promiscuous.

We suppose some apologies should be given to Katie’s owner, Tom Cruise.

We’re not actually accusing the mother of your child of cheating on you while wearing a giant vegetable on her head (although, this is a very specific interest of ours and if you have any photos you’d like to swap with us, do get in touch), but rather, talking about a job she’s taken.

Apparently, Mrs. Cruise has been allowed out of the house long enough to get herself a nice part-time job and she’s agreed to play a promiscuous Jack-O-Lantern in a Halloween special of the pretty lousy (but not oddly likeable) How I Met Your Mother.

You know the one. The one with Dougie Howser in and that guy from Forgetting Sarah Jessica Parker or whatever it was called.

If you didn’t know – and why would you? You have the attention span of a nauseous gnat – the Slutty Pumpkin is a character that is wheeled out as a potential love interest Ted, to be bumped into at a Halloween party.

Or something. We weren’t paying attention either.

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Hey! Katie Holmes is married to slab of prime thetan, Tom Cruise. As you know, they’re both Scientologists, which makes them certifiably mad. Don’t argue. This is just a fact that’s as plain as the nose on your weird alien-believing face.

Of course, mad people have a myriad of odd symptoms and behavioural patterns. One such thing is to marry a man half your height.

Another is being afraid of an absence of light. That’s right! Katie Holmes is scared of the dark and probably screams in terror every time she blinks. That’s because she’s mental. We pointed that out already didn’t we?

So what scared Katie Holmes so much? Did she realise that, in the dark, Tom Cruise could be sleeping beside her with his weird staring eyes open?

No. It’s lamer than that. She’s frightened of a film she’s been in.

That’s right. She is scared of the dark after being a film she has read the script for over and over until it’s so familiar to her, she can recite the lines from it by heart.

Because of the remake of Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark (also starring Guy Pearce), she now has to sleep with the light on like she’s some kind of stupid baby.

Katie admits:

“I usually sleep with the lights on. When I read this script, I was scared and I had to turn on all the lights in my house.

“I thought I heard noises. And I held my child really close.

Still, nothing is as terrifying as Tom Cruise entering you and giving you his seed while shouting “THIS ONE’S FOR HUBBARD!”

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Katie Holmes may well be wealthy and successful, but that doesn’t stop the entire world pitying her. For starters, she’s in the unfortunate position of being married to Supreme Thetan, Tom Cruise AND she’s no doubt aware that everyone laughs at her because she’s one of those women who towers over her beau.

And so, to stop us from thinking that she’s a dead-eyed Scientologist with a head filled with quasi-religious gunk, she’s decided to act like One Of The Girls by talking about her knickers.

Because talking about your underpants in public isn’t peculiar at all is it? Nope. Not one bit. UNLESS YOU’RE SOME KIND OF GUSSET OBSESSED NUTTER THAT IS.

So why is Holmes talking about her scads? Well, she’s on the cover of InStyle’s August edition, and no, we’ve never got ’round to reading the publication either. It’s probably the kind of tat that gives away free cheapo sunglasses and Piz Buin flavoured biscuits or something.

Anyway, Katie features in the mag, cooing about underwear in a desperate attempt to not talk about her dodgy beliefs and her dung-brained husband who is probably preparing some underground lair filled with insect royalty who will devour non-believers like us Cometh The Hour.

Basically, nice undercrackers are her favourite thing. She likes them more than she likes L. Ron Hubbard.

“They make you feel special when you put them on in the morning.”

This is particularly useful when you have a husband who doesn’t make you feel special, ever.

“Even when I was a little girl I loved my ‘days of the week’ pairs. I love the hot pink ones, that makes my day!”

See? So devoid of joy is Holmes, that pink gruds are the only thing that make her day seem worthwhile enough to plod through. She invariably stares at them, all laid out on her bed and meekly smiles saying “At least you guys will never belittle me with talk of alien rulers.”

Be sure to pelt Tom Cruise with pink, soiled knickers if you should bump into him at your local corner shop. It’s the only way the message of Katie Holmes enormous depression is ever going to get through to him.

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Tom Cruise is a Scientlogist. That’s all he is now. He used to be an actor and pin-up, but now he’s just a religious nutter, the same as all the other religious nutters around the world. As such, no-one really trusts him anymore.

That’s not stopped people wanting to hire him for films though, as it has been reported that he’s to star in a post-apocalyptic, film called Oblivion.

It would appear that our Tom is more than happy to believe in the aliens that birthed his make-believe religious group but, alas, also happy to chase them around and kill them in the name of movie making.

The film will be directed by Tron: Legacy big-cheese Joseph Kosinski and will be set on a barren Earth, with all the humans living in the clouds above.

Of course, Tommy boy won’t be having a nice time in the sky with all the meek. He’ll be a perfectly toothed soldier who finds himself on Earth with some aliens to kill.

We suspect there’ll be a beautiful woman involved in some way, hired with Tom’s approval (which effectively means that she’ll be shorter than him, making her a dwarf of some kind – we’re hoping for Jeanette Krankie).

Either way, it doesn’t really matter because no-one will end up watching the thing, for fear of the story being some kind of naked propaganda for the Church of Scientology.

No-one wants that, apart from the dead-hearted swine who sign up to such things.*

(*Scientologists, please note – we reserve the same mocking sneers for all religions, especially Catholicism, so don’t start complaining about being single out and picked on, okay? Complain to your Thetan friends about how unfunny our jokes are instead, okay?)

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We’re not ashamed to admit we quite like Rob Lowe. We’ve forgiven him all that St. Elmo’s Fire pretty-boy nonsense now that he’s starting to look agreeably rumpled, he was good at striding down corridors and talking quickly on the West Wing and we’re impressed with his surprisingly good comic timing.

And be honest with yourselves – if you had the opportunity to simultaneously have sex with two members of the opposite gender, you’d make bloody sure you video-taped the event as well.

Although probably best to make sure they’re both of legal age and not let the tape get leaked to the press or anything. But do you know what we really like about him? He chinned Tom Cruise!

We would pay good money to have seen the moment when Lowe ‘accidentally’ launched the tiny, squinty-eyed chipmunk-toothed king of boring films Tom Cruise during the rehearsal of a fight scene on the set of 1983 movie The Outsiders.

What we don’t understand is why he’s only mentioning it now. We’d have been shouting it from the rooftops for the past 28 years. According to Rob, after ‘accidentally’ smacking Tom Cruise:

“We all beat the living s**t out of one another. We really did. I got one clean shot on Tom, and Tom is such a competitive lunatic – which is what I love about him – but the next thing you know he’s ready to kill me!”

It’s unclear who came out the better of this, as Rob went on to perplexingly state:

“He’s a whole lot of guy. It’s like the United States and China right now. If you treat China like a foe surely she will become one. It was all good.”

Really, Rob? Like, what?

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Katie ‘towers over her mental husband’ Holmes does not take drugs. Okay? Can we just get that clear in our tiny little minds? She’s definitely not a drug addict. Absolutely, positively not a druggy mess.

Okay?

See, that’s the official line after Holmes settled a defamation claim with a US celebrity magazine over an article that FALSELY suggested she was a drug addict. However, because we’re sarcastic, every time we say “KATIE HOMES IS NOT A DRUG ADDICT, OKAY?”, it makes her sound exactly like a drug addict. We can’t do much about that though. We’re cursed with a sarcastic tone of voice. Sorry.

Holmes sued Star magazine for $50m (£29.9m) last month over a January edition bearing the headline “Addiction Nightmare – Katie Drug Shocker”.

The magazine will now publish a very tiny, barely readable apology in an upcoming issue, after they’ve finished counting their money gained for revenue generated from saying that Mrs Cruise is a stinkin’ buck of narcotics.

Showing that us celebrity leeches are actually very nice people, the Star said they would make “substantial donation” to charity as part of the private settlement.

In its apology, Star said:

“[We] did not intend to suggest Katie Holmes was a drug addict or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction”.

“Star apologises to Ms Holmes for any misperception and will be making a substantial donation to charity on Ms Holmes’ behalf for any harm that we may have caused.”

Katie Holmes showed just how interesting she’s become after shacking up with Scientology nutter, Tom Cruise, by saying:

“With this dispute out of the way, I look forward to once again focusing my attention on my family and career.”

Not so much on the latter though, eh?

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Life’s got to be pretty damn dull when you’re a celebrity spawn. Once you’ve got used to the endless procession of uncles with big flashy cameras that Mummy is so fond of twirling about in front of, and the endless procession of nannies that Daddy keeps disappearing to the toilet with and making squeak like your Upsy Daisy doll, there can’t be much to hold your attention through those tender pre-school years before you can develop enough vocabulary to do your own reality show pitch.

So kudos to cute little Hubbard Reincarnated/utterly normal child Suri Cruise for making her own entertainment, by cleverly satirising the media whirlwind surrounding her mega-famous family unit through the medium of sweeties!

Yes, sweeties. Shut up and bear with us.

The story appears to be as follows: famously-married-of-her-own-free-will towering pixie Katie Holmes somehow managed to drag her be-manacled feet and genius child into a New York ice cream parlour to enjoy a few minutes of sugary solitude between entirely voluntary hourly personality tests. And Suri saw the paps, saw the sweeties; saw her moment to make the statement of the year.

As Mummy Winsome explains within the earshot of gaudy noseyparkers Heatworld:

We go in and we are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified.

Boy part? So, what, shaped like Bs? Or Ys? Or maybe Os, which would be considerably easier to produce from a manufacturing point of view, which is important to think about in these tightened financial times? Nonsense!

They are called p-e-n-i-s gummies and they look like it. She was holding the box and I was like, “OK, wow, we don’t need that right now.”

Oh, yeah. She went for it. In front of the massed photographers of all the idiot lady-rotting magazines of the northern hemisphere, Suri went for the big box full of cocks.

You know what you’re itching to say right now, don’t you? Course you do. You can barely help yourself. It’s there, dancing round the tip of your tongue like unspoken words of love that burn through your soul but remain forever unexpressed. Man up. Just say it. “Got a liking for a crate of schlongs, eh? Ha! Like father, like…”

But no! Don’t you dare! Suri is far too clever for you. She may paw at the packet of porkswords. But she will do it with a cloak of irony, knowing that it’s the perfect gag, that we snark-laden schmucks will not be able to resist drawing comparisons, because her dad is Tom Cruise! And…therefore…has a penis, because he is a man, and there is no more comparison to be drawn between the two!

See? See how good she is? Not content with her mastery of the effect of the jellied John Thomas, she then went on to screw up her adorable eyes, squeeze with all her might, and pop a perfectly representative review of Daddy’s recent and upcoming film career into her big girl pants. Eat your heart out, Chris Morris.

Anyway, Suri – you’ve got talent, kid. Should you ever want a job at hecklerspray, let us know; we can shove the Henry round the bedsit to clear out the thetans and install tin foil on the walls. At least it’ll give you a chance to get away from the sobbing of your dear old giant of a mum.

Sobbing from happiness. That’s almost definitely a real emotion. Don’t sue us…

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Katie Holmes is suing mad over Star Magazine telling filthy, filthy lies about her alleged drug addiction. That addiction, you know. The one where she’s addicted to Charlie Sheen, or something. We’re pretty sure at least one person in this story’s addicted to Charlie Sheen.

The actress has filed a libel lawsuit in federal court because of a magazine cover that uses the magic of exaggeration and capital letters to declare her addicted to narcotics:

‘ADDICTION NIGHTMARE: Katie DRUG SHOCKER! The Real Reason She Can’t Leave Tom’.

In the January 2011 issue, the cover of Star alleged Holmes had an addiction problem; their proof, the bags under her eyes, and little more. There were also some scattered quotes about how the Scientology process of auditing produced a high to which she’d become addicted. Aside from that, it was the product of some monkeys, some typewriters and some faeces flung at its pages.

The cover alone was reason for the suit, alleges the actress, who’s now facing an uphill battle to win – with American libel laws being set up to facilitate bite-sized defamation. It’s probably the best course of action. It’s almost never worth suing over spilt feces.

From TMZ:

Katie Holmes just filed a $50 million libel lawsuit against the publishers of “Star” magazine after a recent cover insinuated she’s a drug addict. Holmes’ rep tells TMZ, “Star Magazine’s malicious claims about Katie are untrue, unethical and unlawful. Not only do they cruelly defame Katie, they play a cheap trick on the public, making ridiculously false claims on the cover unsupported by anything inside.” And, the rep adds, “Someone should bring a class action to get all buyers their money back.” Holmes is seeking $50 million in damages from American Media Inc.

It’s pocket change for someone who gets to spend the contents of Tom Cruise’s murse whenever she wants.

But it’s the principle.

The litigious principle from a member of a church notorious for lawsuits for lawsuit’s sake.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

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Katie Holmes may well have finally escaped from the clutches of Tom Cruise, if reports in some glossy yank rag are to be believed.

The Star is reporting that the Tomkat experience is over and no longer a thread to the rest of us with their weird placenta eating ways. You can’t really blame them for thinking that though, what with the recent fad for celebrity separations garnering copious column inches in the run up to Christmas.

When you think about it, that’s just plain depressing.

According to the front page of the Star, which is all anyone can really stomach reading, the police had to be called after Holmes had some sort of nuclear apocalypse style meltdown and that she’s now resting up at home with Mummy and Daddy Holmes. But not just any Daddy Holmes, no, DIVORCE LAWYER DADDY HOLMES, who sounds like a third rate WWE wrestler from the mid-90s.

Naturally Holmes and Cruise’s people are denying the rumours, saying that the report is a work of pure fiction and that the couple are just living separate lives.

However, as all good conspiracy theorists will tell you, the media is crawling with Scientologists trying to prevent you from learning the truth.

In fact, most of the hecklerspray team is comprised of Scientologists and Lizard People, attempting to distract you while our brethren slowly take over the world by making atrocious films and discrediting David Icke.

It is probably worth pointing out that the Star has run this accusation of the Tomkat phenomenon blowing up around us alongside stories of Johnny Depp flirting with 19 year olds and Ashton Kutcher getting caught up in a murder scandal.

So it is quite clearly a load of bollocks, unless the Star happens to have some of the best journalists in the world who have all managed to unearth groundbreaking stories on the same week. But really, how likely is that?

No, it looks like Katie Holmes is still shackled to her husband and his midichlorians, thetans and STD sound-a-like life forces, all the time staring at that e-meter in the corner, wondering if it truly captures the extent of her feelings.

What would Xenu do?

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Tom Cruise has denied that he’s nightly bathing in the blood of virginal $cientology converts, in order to stave off the ravages of age. That’s probably a wise denial, if ever we heard one.

Tom turned 48 years old on July 3rd. As is customary at this time of year, a painting in his attic gains a new wrinkle while the actor ages about one month out of the last 12.

Rather than admit to his fairly obvious Benjamin Button-style witchery, Tom claims that his four-year-old daughter is the key to him staying young. Yeah. Admitting to feeding off the soul of your child is much better than just admitting to anything else nefarious. Well played, Tom. Well played.

There are a couple of things that seem off here. Not least because this is only one of the ways in which he’s favouring his biological daughter over his two adopted children; many forget he has two older adopted children – Connor, 15, and Isabella, 17. However, Suri is pretty obviously his favourite – as demonstrated by his feeding off her soul and not those of his teenagers.

From Bild, as translated by People magazine:

Age is only a number – especially as far as Tom Cruise is concerned. Last month, the actor turned 48, but the father of three admits to having a secret for staying young.  “I love all my children, but Suri is my fountain of youth,” Cruise tells the German magazine Bild about his 4-year-old daughter with his adoring wife Katie Holmes. “We jump on the trampoline together.”

Sure, Tom. You love them equally. That’s why Suri and you will live forever, like the paler members of the True Blood cast, and the adopted kids/ wife/ ex-wife/ whoever else will succumb to the ageing process.

In related news, did you know that little Suri’s powers extend to mind control? Not only is she the human elixir of life, she can also control her mother with the precision of a puppet master. Either that or Katie Holmes just plain has no discernible mind of her own. More likely the latter, now that we think about it.

From NY Magazine, with whom Katie did a cover story:

[Suri] says, “I want this sleeve cut,” and it’s like, “Okay, we’ll cut it.” She picks out all of her own clothes and has since she was 1½. Tom and I went to the Met ball a couple of years ago, and I had this beautiful red gown and these royal-blue shoes that I wasn’t planning on wearing, but Suri made me put them on and so I was like, “Okay, I trust you.”

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that

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10 – The end of the actual world: coming sooner than you think - Asylum

9 – Katie Holmes undergoes an internal software upgrade – AmyGrindhouse

8 – That’s DOCTOR Ozzy Osbourne to you – Slantedscience

7 - What’s that? You want to see a child having his teeth pulled out BY A ROCKET? Oh, fine, whatever – Geekologie

6 - World Cup: pundit appraisal – WatchWithMothers

5 – World Cup: something scary that might make your eyes bleed – McMental

4 - Boardwalk Empire might look like the most exciting thing ever made, but what about the clothes in it? – Clothesonfilm

3 – Larry King: Possibly the world’s greatest Twitterer – Buzzfeed

2 – The motion capture thing for the Xbox looks RUBBISH - Cracked

1 – And finally, the weather…