The actress and mother is the subject of much speculation and often ridicule.

Some think that she is the kid who got lucky and married her childhood crush, while others think that she is the target of a clever Scientology-based blind date system, where the winner gets to be shackled to their famous mate for the rest of their lives.

Katie opens up in a new interview in quite astonishingly candid detail, about her feelings on motherhood and how she feels about the inevitable media intrusion into the life of her and her adorable baby daughter, two-year-old Suri.

In the piece published online and in the April 2009 issue of Glamour magazine, Katie opens with the usual stock quotes she always does about how she started in the business and life before becoming Tom’s loyal Scientology robot.

As the interview progresses, the mask slips and we get a more probing look into what murky waters lie behind the now dead eyes of the woman most people in their 20s shall only ever remember fondly as Joey.

The star seems to respond well to many things, the click of a paparazzi bulb, the glare of the spotlight and if her most recent cover shoot for the publication is anything to go by she responds to Photoshop like a Crackberry addict to the ping of a new email.

Katie’s glued-on, wonky smile hides a woman who is arguably as media savvy as Angelina or even the more recent media darling Octomum’Nadya Suleman. Rarely is a woman so adept at selling an image to the media based solely on her looks and her womb.

When lovingly probed by the interviewer Katie divulges many a secret. Things that her adoring fan (yes, fan) is dying to know. Despite public desperation for them to be oh so dysfunctional, by all accounts the Cruise family are like any other parents of a toddler. They both share feeding, playing with the little one and they share nappy changing.

Katie recounts stories of family time as if she were reciting dry tales of her first auditing session. For instance, she retells stories of family board game time with all the love and passion of a daytime TV actress.

So, does the formally bubbly wife of the most famous man in the world feel overwhelmed by her family duties? Does she mind no longer being her own woman? Katie says:

“From an early age I knew that I wanted to be in this business. So I did everything I could to get here, and when I met Tom, I knew in an instant that we were going to be together, that we were going to get married. He does have a very big life. And you know, we just do it.”

Sigh, by all accounts robot Katie is and was a willing participant into the charade that is her life at present.

She welcomed the cameras, she courted the fame and she popped out a baby so quickly that she barely made it down the aisle before she went into labour.

With all that in mind, guess that explains why the wizards in the Glamour Photoshop department could not airbrush out the vacant look in this empty little robot’s eyes.

More? You want more? Then you should probably head over to Amy Grindhouse, shouldn’t you?

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And it’s all down to Suri Cruise. You see, the effect of Suri Cruise on Katie Holmes has been enormous. So big that Katie Holmes has just become the first mother in all of history to publicly state that she quite likes her child.

It goes further. Katie Holmes has called being a mother ‘the most important job in the world’. Take that Ban Ki-moon, and don’t come back until you’ve learnt how to cook fish fingers for crying ungrateful brats.

We haven’t heard a great deal from Katie Holmes recently. Is this because she’s been busy in New York starring in All My Sons? Possibly. Is it because Tom Cruise has reduced her daily allowance of moisture and daylight because of perceived insubordination regarding a pithy comment about Xenu? There’s a chance of that, yes.

But we like to think that it’s because Katie Holmes has been hard at work studying the entire history of philosophy in order to come up with a profoundly original take on motherhood in western civilisation at the turn of the 21st century. She’s certainly been doing some of that, because only someone well-versed in Utilitarianism and Kant’s system of Deontological ethics could come out with something as stunningly intellectual as this:

“[Motherhood] has been the most amazing experience – in an instant you become strong. You have to be a little bit wiser; it’s the most important job in the world.”

Did you hear that? Katie Holmes actually seems to like her own child. Incredible – we assumed that all mothers hated the sight of their children so much that they locked them in the cupboard and fed them pieces of metal until they were 10. Wow, she sure taught us.

And it’s good to see that Katie Holmes thinks being a mother is the most important job in the world. Not because she’s wrong or anything – although, you know -  but because if acting was the most important job in the world then she’d have been sacked for gross incompetency shortly after Mad Money came out.

While she was bravely pioneering this new ‘mothers sometimes don’t find their children hideous’ school of thought, Katie Holmes also had words for those cruel people who said mean things about Suri Cruise after she was born, like that she didn’t exist or that she’d had skin pigmentation treatment because she’d really been adopted from Uganda and didn’t look a thing like Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes. Or that she was a robot. Or a koala. Anyway, here’s what Katie Holmes said:

“Why don’t you come over and have dinner? See what there is to see.”

Oh God, Katie Holmes totally just invited us to her house for dinner! Katie, Tom, we’d love to. We’ll be at yours at six. We’ll eat anything you like, although if there could be a side order of pieces of metal we’d be most grateful.

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Wait a minute, everyone celebrates with what? That isn’t in the script – All My Sons ends with the patriarch killing himself to end his unbearable guilt and then everyone unites in a tableau of profound grief. Where’s all this bloody cake come from?

Oh, Tom Cruise. We should have known. Yesterday was Katie Holmes‘ 30th birthday, so Tom Cruise sent cake and champagne for everyone in the play to enjoy. In a tableau of profound grief, obviously.

On the surface it might look like Tom Cruise controls Katie Holmes’ life to the extent that she constantly looks relieved not to be chained up in her kennel-dungeon and drip-fed rainwater, but the truth is that Tom Cruise needs Katie Holmes to help him promote movies.

For instance, War Of The Worlds was the Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Get Engaged movie, and it was all very sweet and lovely and romantic. Then Mission: Impossible III turned out to be the Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Have A Baby movie and, well, that was harder to find sweet and lovely and romantic because nobody really believed that the baby existed.

And now Tom Cruise has another movie coming out, about a one-eyed Nazi who couldn’t even blow up Hitler with a suitcase properly. But it’s a bit harder to rope Katie Holmes into promoting this one, because what would it be? The Tom Cruise Lets Katie Holmes Star In A Play movie? The Tom Cruise Stands Next To Katie Holmes And Everyone Sees What A Funny Little Elf He Is movie? It’s a tricky one.

Luckily, yesterday happened to be Katie Holmes’ 30th birthday, thereby making Valkyrie the Katie Holmes Reaches An Age Where People No Longer Mistake Her For Tom Cruise’s Daughter And Tom Cruise Sends Her A Cake To Celebrate Because He’s Too Busy To Do It In Person movie. God, Valkyrie’s going to be rubbish, isn’t it?

But, hey, who doesn’t like cake and a sing-song to puncture the emotional impact of a play about death? People reports:

Addressing the audience, Holmes’s costar John Lithgow announced, “Tom Cruise, our good friend, devoted fan to the show, doting husband of Katie, could not be here tonight. He’s heartsick that he couldn’t be here … So, he’s joining us, inviting all of you, to celebrate Katie’s birthday.” And with that, crewmembers wheeled out a five-tiered, white-frosted, circular birthday cake as the crowd cheered and applauded.

We were just kidding about Tom Cruise ruining the ending to the play, by the way – when Katie Holmes received the cake and read that it was iced with the inscription “Don’t eat any of this. The last thing I want is a fat wife. I can tell, you know. I’m always watching you. ALWAYS” the mood in the theatre returned to the tangible solemnity that Arthur Miller had always envisioned for the climax of his play. Tom Cruise saves the day again!

But now he’s exhausted engagements, childbirth and landmark birthdays to promote his films, Tom Cruise is in a bit of a bind. That’s why we’re comfortably predicting that Tom’s next movie will either be the Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Divorce movie, the Tom Cruise And Katie Holmes Have A Marital Wobble But Ultimately Pull Through movie or the Katie Holmes Accidentally Falls Down A Flight Of Stairs And Mysteriously Dies And Tom Cruise Has To Tenderly Grieve In Public movie.

Which will it be? We’re so excited!

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However, on the off-chance that your interest in the preschool children of Hollywood celebrities is down to something other that surging waves of barely-controlled paedophilia, you should take a look at the just-published Forbes annual ‘10 Hottest Tots’ lists. Just, you know, be sure to hide the magazine inside a less incriminating magazine first, like Big Droopy Knockers or Readers Disgusting BDSM Infantilism Fantasies.

And, for anyone who actually cares, Suri Cruise was named the most influential baby this year. Of course, it seems silly to rank toddlers based on their power and influence but, since Suri Cruise is the only celebrity baby able to summon the mighty Xenu to smite her foes inside his all-powerful fist, she was probably always going to make at least the top three.

This is turning out to be quite the year for the stars of hopeless pre-9/11 ‘terrorists are cool’ movie Swordfish. Halle Berry was named the sexiest women alive last month and Hugh Jackman was named the sexiest man alive yesterday. But sadly Swordfish can’t make the hat-trick, because it didn’t have any sexy children in it.

No, not sexy. Powerful. We meant powerful. Swordfish didn’t have any powerful children in it. If only they’d thought to prenatally cast young Suri Cruise in it, glory would have been theirs alone.

That’s because Suri Cruise has been named by Forbes magazine as the most powerful celebrity child aged under five on Earth in a slightly inappropriate-seeming list entitled ‘10 Hottest Tots’. Reuters explains why:

Suri received more blog mentions than any other Tinseltown child and was referenced in more than 1,300 news articles, which can help shape public opinion about her parents while also fuelling demand for what she wears, plays with and eats.

You see, Suri Cruise isn’t just the suspiciously adorable child of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, nor an everlasting monument to Katie Holmes’ stolen pre-marital virginity, nor a tiny bag of skin who has already gained more household rights than her mother, including reduced cage-time, access to water that doesn’t necessarily come from a rabbit feeder and the right to briefly look Tom Cruise in the eye when speaking to him. Suri Cruise is an opinion former.

We’re not entirely sure what this means – perhaps she’ll get her own E! reality show soon, or maybe she’ll start publishing her own Oprah-style vanity magazine – but magazine editors are already suggesting that Suri Cruise will become even more famous in the coming year. That’s partly because people would rather look at pictures of cute toddlers than fret about their lack of money, and partly because they really want Suri Cruise to understand that her life will peak at the age of two and the rest of her time on Earth will basically be a grey icy relentless downward slope to death.

But if Suri Cruise is number one, what of the other nine of the top 10 hottest tots named by Forbes? Well, OK, since you asked:

2 – Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt

3 – Zahara Jolie-Pitt

4 – Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt

5 – Sam Alexis Woods

6 – Cruz Beckham

7 – Matilda Rose Ledger

8 – David Banda

9 – Sean Preston Federline

10 – Sam Sheen

We know what you’re thinking. No, not that someone should inform the Monopolies Commission about all the Jolie-Pitt kids fouling up the top 10, but how disappointing it is that Matilda Rose Ledger is languishing down in seventh place.

Really Matilda, we know your father died this year in tragic circumstances, but we’re really starting to think that you don’t care about how hot Forbes magazine thinks you are. It’s a disgrace. Buck up your ideas next time, you stupid three-year-old idiot.

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Last night, that’s what the world got – Katie Holmes made her Broadway debut in Arthur Miller’s All My Sons. It’s a big career move for her – we’ll no longer see Katie Holmes as Tom Cruise’s wife, but as Tom Cruise’s wife who Tom Cruise occasionally lets star in plays so long as she promises to never get more famous than him.

All My Sons is, of course, a harsh critique of the American dream and an examination of culpability in the face of death. Or at least it was – we hear that Tom Cruise was at dress rehearsal last night, and as a result the finished play has got more atomic bombs and volcanoes and evil alien overlords in it. Plus the Katie Holmes character is now locked in something called a ‘Thetan Cage’ for the entire play. We don’t know why that is.

TV acting, film acting and stage acting are three very different disciplines and, now that Katie Holmes has managed to do all three, she’ll be able realise that stage acting is the most real. There are no hiding places, there’s an audience who will react to your every word and there’s enough repetition for you to explore the subtleties of your character.

Plus you can totally crawl out of your dressing room window and escape your lunatic controlling husband and his preposterous religious beliefs. If you have one, that is. Katie Holmes doesn’t, so she doesn’t have to worry.

Anyway, Katie Holmes will know this because her Broadway run of All My Sons opened in Broadway last night. Yes, technically we know that the play opened last month, but that was only for previews. Now it’s really open, so the world can really get to see what Katie Holmes is about, in her starring role as the girlfriend of a man whose father is the man who the play is really about. It literally doesn’t get any bigger than that.

But forget the play, because we want to know how Katie Holmes manages to juggle so many things at once, like having a minor role in an old play and being a mother and joylessly tramping around behind Tom Cruise in a pair of sunglasses all the time and trying to be friends with someone as pointless as Victoria Beckham.

But we must be the only ones, because People magazine had a quick Q&A with Katie Holmes directly after her performance about what was perhaps the most important and challenging theme of Arthur Miller’s play:

PEOPLE: Is it difficult balancing your theater work with being a mom?
KH: It’s a great schedule, because [Suri and I] get to spend the whole day together and then I go and do the play. Then I come home and we play some more!

PEOPLE: And Suri had her own dressing room at the theater?
KH: Yeah, we have a dressing room that is transformed into a playroom. It has a little piano.

Did you hear that noise? That was your mind blowing up.

However, Katie Holmes must have also been fairly excited ahead of her debut in All My Sons – not only would it teach her critics once and for all that she was an actress to contend with, but it’d also give her plenty of chances to blink out ‘HELP ME HELP ME HE KEEPS ME LOCKED IN A CAGE HELP ME’ in Morse code to a room of understanding strangers every night.

But, of course, Katie Holmes’ Broadway debut was also exciting for the members of anti-Scientology group Anonymous, who decided to bring down Scientology once and for all by getting about 20 people to stand outside the theatre holding some signs in a sort of semi-apologetic way. Yeah, take that, Scientology.

It’s hard to think of Katie Holmes as an actress these days, much less the actress who was once in Dawson’s Creek. Maybe that’s because she’s single-handedly been the worst thing in the – already mostly pretty terrible – films that she’s starred in lately, or maybe it’s because she seems to have given up acting for a life of glumly trudging three paces behind Tom Cruise with a weird boy’s haircut and her boobs taped down.

But either way, Katie Holmes recently realised that she needed to reassert her acting credentials and – having formally submitted the appropriate forms in triplicate to Tom Cruise’s Fresh Air Allowance clerk beforehand – was granted the temporary right to leave her hermetic dungeon on a regular basis to go and act in an Arthur Miller play.

It seemed so perfect at the time – nothing shows the public that an actor is serious about their craft like starring in an Arthur Miller play, the superb cast could take the strain if Katie Holmes ended up blowing, and Katie would get a few hours away from Tom Cruise marching up and down in his little Nazi eyepatch every night.

However, Katie Holmes hadn’t accounted for one thing – the thousands and thousands of anti-Scientologist protesters who’d blight her every move. Anonymous had long threatened to protest outside the opening night of All My Sons last night and, boy oh boy, did they ever come out in force to pour scorn on the Scientologists.

No, really, did they? Hardly any protesters turned up, you see, and we’re not sure if that was enough to pour scorn on anything, really. Especially if they keep excusing themselves as feebly as E! Online reports that they did:

More than two dozen protesters from the anti-Scientology group Anonymous joined the throng Thursday outside New York’s Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre. “We are not boycotting Katie, we are not boycotting the play, we are protesting Scientology,” a member of the group shouted. “It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.”

That’s it? A couple of people dressed up like Agent Smith in V For Vendetta comparing Scientology to Buffalo Bill from The Silence Of The Lambs? Why not go the whole hog and say that Scientology dances around to Goodbye Horses with its pecker tucked between its legs to make it look more like a lady? Huh? Huh, Anonymous? Why don’t you do that next time, yeah?

We’re just a little bitter because it seems like such a wasted opportunity for a protest. Diversify or die, that’s the way to go. Stand around with a couple of placards forever and you’ll end up like the bloke who stands outside the Houses Of Parliament with the display about the Iraq war that everyone pretends they can’t see. And what’s the point of that?

We just thought that the protest against Katie Holmes and Scientology was a bit artless. Why stand around outside shouting when you could gather everyone together, make them buy tickets for a performance of All My Sons and then silently sit in the theatre so that Katie Holmes has to perform to nothing but an unresponsive wall of V For Vendetta masks?

We’re just saying…

She did manage to escape to the other side of the US ‘to be in a Broadway show’, as the official story put it – we know that was just a cover, and we urged Katie to run for her Creeking life. But it would seem her cover of ‘I have a job over there’ didn’t hold water with hubby Tom Cruise, and the fat bald one from Tropic Thunder has re-stamped his authority on Katie Holmes.

We tried to save her, we really did, but for some people there’s just no way around it. She’s consigned herself to a lifetime of being lead around by a dwarf, as she allowed the Cruiser to fly all the way across the country just to walk her to work.

Why didn’t you run, Katie? Why?

Aside from the initial escape to New York City, Holmes got all of our hopes up by not turning up at the Scientology Celebrity Centre’s 39th Anniversary Gala in a move of what looked to be defiance. This turned out to be a letdown, as she then went on to walk arm in arm with Cruise at the premiere of Tropic Thunder, thus quashing our hopes that she was hiding from the tiny Sleeper-Scientology man.

Maybe she still is – maybe she sent a robot out to pose with him. It’s not like she needs it to look as if it has life behind those robo-eyes now, is it? Katie Holmes doesn’t exactly forge herself a career of public appearances looking happy and alive – more fearful and machine-like. In fact, we’ve just figured it out, right this very second: she’s a robot! We, hecklerspray, are excellent detectives.

But the plan seems to have backfired, and the Katiebot was such a perfect copy that Tom Cruise now feels the need to follow it all over the country, thus putting the real Katie Holmes‘ hiding place in jeopardy. You should have run away when we told you to – really, you should.

While walking robo-Katie to ‘work’, as she called it, Cruise was apparently accosted by some builders. While the official story is that they tried to ask for autographs, we find that hard to believe. Nevertheless, OK! magazine reported:

“Some construction workers asked for a picture, but Tom politely said, ‘Sorry guys, I can’t stop. I’m walking my wife to work. She’s got rehearsals to get to.’”

Rehearsals – or a recharge point?!

Maybe we have stretched the analogy/accusation a little bit too far now, but the fact remains that Katie Holmes – robot or no – failed to escape from Tom Cruise properly. She had the chance to leg it and she failed, allowing Tom to take a late night flight across the country to walk her to work/make sure she isn’t walking around wearing a sandwich board that says ‘Scientology Is For Tiny Idiots’.

She’s losing the game, frankly.

For the first time in what seems like an ice age, Katie has escaped the clutches of everybody’s favourite evil Nazi, Tom Cruise. Scampering away to New York City with daughter Suri in tow, Holmes was free to roam as she saw fit, without the watchful eye of the Cruiser looking over her shoulder.

The official story behind her visit to NYC is that Katie Holmes is about to star in the Broadway production of Arthur Miller’s All My Sons – but we know better. It’s an escape ploy from Katie – she’s clearly running back to the Creek: the one place she can feel truly safe from Maverick and his Scientology cronies.

Katie’s plan to flee from her Cruise-shaped captor had seen only two distinct steps: first she got the role in the aforementioned play, then she landed herself a cameo in some TV show that no one knows anything about.

By disguising herself to look like some kind of pixie-boy and finally escaping via helicopter to New York, Katie has enacted steps three and four of the epic plan of escape – sure to leave even someone with the keen magical senses of Tom Cruise (though he still can’t keep pizzas warm – the berk!) befuddled as to where she could have gone.

Though, to be fair, he will know where she is, as she’ll have set times to appear on stage. Hmm. Should have thought this through more carefully, Katie. And that’s not even taking into account the legions of Scientology spies that exist through the world – we all saw the Panorama documentary on it, we all know they exist.

But in what could well be the ultimate show of defiance in the face of her husband and his thetan chums, Katie decided against attending The Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre 39th Anniversary Gala – surely a massive slap in the face of the religion? And to make matters worse, what did she do instead of attending the annual shebang?

Katie Holmes took her daughter to see The Little Mermaid and Mary Poppins. That’s some textbook defiance right there.

Unfortunately it does look like Katie isn’t actually trying to escape any clutches – evil or otherwise – and is instead simply in another part of America to her husband. While we do like to both wildly speculate whilst at the same time encourage the poor girl to leg it as fast as she can, we can’t provide any actual facts backing up the claims that she is, in fact, doing a runner.

And, of course, you can prove anything with facts (copyright Stewart Lee).

We can, however, continue to encourage Katie Holmes to escape the clammy embrace of Tom Cruise and Scientology for her own good. Maybe then she’d get some life back into her eyes.

You know – those things on her face that look so, so dead.

But all that’s going to change immediately, because Katie Holmes has just signed up for a job. An actual working job as an actor in something that doesn’t inexplicably co-star Queen Latifah. These are glorious days indeed.

So what hugely important piece of drama has Katie Holmes deemed worthy of her presence? What could be so earth-shakingly significant that it’s convinced Katie Holmes to return to the limelight? A movie? No, not quite. It’s a TV show. A TV show that hardly anyone watches. A blink-and-you’ll-miss-it cameo on a TV show that hardly anyone watches. Katie Holmes, you’re back in the big league!

Now is a particularly terrible time to be Katie Holmes. Most times are usually pretty shitty for her – because she’s either the quivering woman-slave of Tom Cruise, capitulating to every one of his evil desires in her Fritzl-style dungeon, or she’s putting up with all kinds of false reports about slaves and Fritzl-dungeons and the like. She literally can’t win.

But now? Now is a terrible time to be Katie Holmes, and it’s all Batman’s fault. With The Dark Knight only a heartbeat away, the world seems to be uniting around the idea that it’s a far far better movie than Batman Begins simply because Katie Holmes doesn’t blunder in and foul everything up halfway through.

It must be a bitter pill for Katie Holmes to swallow, but she’s nothing if not a fighter. She’ll show the haters that she’s a talented actress the old fashioned way – with a role in a Broadway play. But because she knows that Broadway plays are dull affairs that only attract elderly tourists who want to escape the rain, Katie Holmes has a Plan B, too – television!

It’s actually quite a smart move, because television is where Katie Holmes made her name, on the teen drama Dawson’s Creek. By returning to TV Katie Holmes is effectively reminding the world that she was an effervescent spark with miles of potential before she spunked it all away by marrying Tom Cruise.

So which TV show will Katie Holmes be acting on? Eli Stone, that’s what. Oh, don’t pretend that you’ve never heard of it – it’s Eli Stone! You know, the show that has the, um, stones in it?

OK, so we’ve never heard of Eli Stone. But it must be good because Katie Holmes is going to be on it and she only handpicks the best roles for herself, like whoever she played in Mad Money. We won’t pretend we’ve seen it. Anyway, Reuters reports:

Actress Katie Holmes will make a guest appearance on ABC’s critically acclaimed “Eli Stone” this season, returning to U.S. network television in a role that will feature her singing and dancing, network executives said on Wednesday.

A singing, dancing stunt-cast guest appearance on a TV show that nobody watches. Katie Holmes is definitely at the top of her game, isn’t she? Why, a few more years and a lot of hard work and Katie might even reach the dizzy heights of late-night cable infomercials for creepy ceramic dolls. Katie Holmes, we salute you!

Yep, that’s right. Posh Spice and the better half of TomKat are forbidden to discuss diets, in case Katie ends up becoming as thin as Victoria.

TomKat are hoping to start babymaking in the near future, just like the Beckhams, and Tom is worried that Katie will become too obsessed with her diet and fitness regimes.

Read the rest of this entry (opens in a new window) >>

And by a few people we mean everyone on planet Earth, and most of the aliens on planet Xenu.

But everyone should just shut up and leave them alone. Katie is a strong, free woman making brilliant career moves. She turned down the Batman sequel to do Mad Money with Queen Latifah, and now it looks as if she’s signed on for Broadway.

This is exciting news for Katie. Not only will she be able pursue new career venues, but the boundaries on her electric shock collar is said to include the Starbucks next to the theatre. Hello, Paul McCartney compilation CD!

We’ve just heard the exciting news about Katie Holmes signing on for the Broadway adaptation of Arthur Miller’s All My Sons for the role of Ann Deever, and we’re just tickled pink for several reasons:

1) It broadens her career base.

2) She may get to wear an eye patch and old timey pants with saddle bag looking pouches like her husband Tom Cruise does in the upcoming film Valkyrie.

3) It keeps her away from making any other utterly craptastic movies like Mad Money, with tag lines like “they’re having the crime of their lives”. Oh, wait… we get it! They’re put crime of their lives as opposed to time of their lives. Oh, that is rich!

But we can’t claim all of the excitement for Katie’s stage debut. The play’s producer, Eric Falkenstein, said some stuff about it, too:

“Katie is very well suited for the role of Ann. There is an additional layer of soul to Ann and from the work I’ve seen of Katie, she has always impressed with multi-faceted characters. She would nail it.”

Spot on, producer Eric Falkenstein. Spot on. As everyone knows, ‘multi-faceted’ is synonymous in showbusiness with ‘starring in blockbuster movies like Batman Begins and managing to not totally ruin the bloody thing’.

Plus, that additional layer of soul will come in handy for scene two in the second act of the play when the lights dim, a disco ball is lowered and the cast gathers on a rotating round bed for a soulful rendition of Sexual Healing.

We wish Katie the best of luck with the play, which is scheduled to preview in September. Stage performance requires overstated facial expressions and over-the-top displays of emotion.

Perhaps she could refer to every single photograph, video, and audio clip of every public appearance of herself and her husband over the past two years for a smidgen of inspiration.

Read more:

Katie Holmes Heads To Broadway – OK

And what better way could there possibly be for Tom Cruise to celebrate his resurgent career than by having sex with his wife until a little person who looks like him crawls out of her genitals?

That’s right – if reports are to be believed, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are trying for another baby, with those close to the couple making it clear that Katie Holmes has ‘got the itch.’ But as soon as this resilient bout of vaginal thrush clears up, Tom and Katie will definitely try and have another baby.

Hecklerspray: king of the clumsy vaginal thrush joke since 2005.

At this very moment in time, Tom Cruise’s career is a bit of a wreck. The public was turned off by his bewildering behaviour and unconventional religious beliefs, he was sacked from Paramount, nobody went to see Lions For Lambs and his big Nazi comeback movie has all the makings of a gigantic dud. Plus, come on, look at the man’s hair.

That’s why Tom Cruise is going all out to reclaim his position as everyone’s favourite scary-eyed nutbag moviestar. The Tom Cruise/ Oprah interview last week deliberately softened his hardline views on Scientology and psychiatric drugs, Tom Cruise’s new website actually does a fairly effective job of reminding us that he’s made a few decent movies, and there’s even talk of Tom Cruise making Mission: Impossible 4 for Paramount soon.

So what’s the one thing left for Tom Cruise to reassert himself over? His relationship with Katie Holmes, of course! So let’s dust off the tub of Hubbard-jizz – Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are having another baby! Provisionally! E! Online reports:

According to friends who schmoozed with the Cruises in New York earlier this week, Katie wants to have another baby soon, and she has been hinting as much to her husband. “She said she’s got the itch,” said a friend close to the pair. “Now that Suri is more toddler than baby, she said she misses having an infant in the house. And, of course, she thinks Suri would make a great big sister.” Tom appeared totally into the idea.

Aw, there’s nothing sweeter than when a team of highly-trained scientists secretly switch a young woman’s ‘desire for independence’ implanted brain-chip with a ’sudden unexplainable broodiness’ chip during her sleep. You’ll have to excuse us, we’re misting up here.

Oh, we’re just kidding. There’s nothing wrong with Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wanting another baby. It’s just like when any other happily-married couple choose to have a baby, except that this happens to be suspiciously timed to coincide with Tom Cruise’s brand new relentless assault to portray himself as a normal person. But what’s that got to do with anything?

Besides, we know exactly why Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes want a baby – everyone knows that Tom Cruise needs a big personal event to help him promote his films, whether it’s the engagement to Katie Holmes that pushed War Of The Worlds or the birth of his first biological daughter right before the release of Mission: Impossible 3, and another baby would be the perfect marketing tool for Valkyrie.

But hang on – it’s May. Valkyrie comes out in February. That’s, wait a minute, that’s exactly nine months away! There’s no time to lose, Tom Cruise, bone your wife! Bone your wife right now! Here, in front of everyone! Your career depends on it!

Read more:

Another Baby for Tom and Katie? – E! Online

And, although we could write a book on all the different ways that you creep us out, right now we’ll just focus on the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes not divorcing thing. Yesterday two US gossip magazines delivered the shock news that Katie Holmes was so sick of Tom Cruise that a divorce was quietly being planned.

However, both Tom and Katie have dismissed the reports as false. So if you catch Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes making out in public and being all gross to overcompensate for these split rumours any time soon, feel free to blame the magazines. There’s probably even a lawsuit in it if they actually make you throw up.

Marriage is hard whoever you are, but the marriage between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes is probably far harder than most, especially at the moment.

After all, Tom Cruise is in the middle of the biggest slump of his career. His religious views are widely mocked, his big comeback movie has been shunted to the bargain bin section of the movie calendar and the chances of him ever reaching the heady heights of the past diminish a little bit more every day. And things can’t be great for Katie Holmes, either – not only is she married to Tom Cruise, but she’s also got a haircut that makes her look a little bit like Tom Cruise. Dreadful.

So when reports came through yesterday that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were getting a divorce, it didn’t really surprise anyone. With the possible exception of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, that is – because it was apparently the first that either of them had heard about it. OK! reports:

Oh really? It’s such a close and loving relationship that they couldn’t put out a joint statement, is that it? A likely story.

Actually, we’re taking Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes on their word this time. If they say that they aren’t getting splitting up, then who are we to disagree with them? Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are together and happy and that’s that.

OK, we admit it, we’re not disagreeing with them because if they really are splitting up then that gruesome three-minute kiss at their wedding was all for nothing. The last thing we want is for Tom Cruise to get divorced so he can remarry and put another helpless waif through that sort of abuse. Stick with Tom, Katie. Stick with Tom for humanity.

Read more:

Tom & Katie Deny Split Rumours – OK!

That appears to be the case anyway – Katie Holmes has fuelled speculation that she's pregnant by buying a T-shirt with 'Big Sister' written on it for her daughter Suri. So does this mean that Katie Holmes is pregnant?

Hardly – unless Tom Cruise has miraculously found a nice big glob of Hubbard-spunk in the bottom of his jizz-jar that didn't get used up when he was getting Katie Holmes pregnant with Suri.

Or something.

Now that everyone from Jennifer Lopez to Gwen Stefani is getting pregnant, it's clear that having a human being living inside your gut sucking up all your nutrients and making your teeth go shit is the new fashion craze. And where there's a fashion craze, you can be sure to see Katie Holmes elbowing her way to the front yelling "Me too! Me too!" to try and take her mind of what a funny little man she's married to.

That's right. We're basically trying to tell you that Katie Holmes is pregnant. Well, Katie Holmes is probably pregnant. Maybe. Based on a slogan on a T-shirt that Katie Holmes bought, we'd say she was almost definitely pregnant. The Sydney Morning Herald reports:

Katie Holmes has fuelled rumours she is pregnant by buying a "Big Sister" t-shirt for daughter Suri. The Batman Begins star visited Los Angeles baby boutique Petit Tresor with Suri – her 21-month-old daughter with husband Tom Cruise – where she spent over $2000 on baby clothes. A source said: "Katie ordered loads of cute girlie spring dresses for Suri. But she also bought a pink t-shirt which said 'Big Sister' and two matching romper suits, one which said 'Little Sister' and one which said 'Little Brother'."

See? And if Suri's T-shirt says 'Big Sister' then it must be true that Katie Holmes is pregnant. After all, T-shirts never lie – and, yes, if you ever see us in the street, our T-shirts are correct; we are qualified breast inspectors. And we are with stupid, thank you very much.

We also hear that Katie Holmes wanted to buy a T-shirt reading 'I am your mother. Only refer to me as mother' for her to wear around Nicole Kidman's kids, but they didn't have any in her size. Her size being Unusually Gangly, of course.

Of course, there's a chance that Katie Holmes isn't actually pregnant at all, and this overtly conspicuous shopping spree was all just a way to draw attention away from that Scientology video of Tom Cruise cackling like a maniac. Everyone will be so busy wondering if Katie Holmes is pregnant that they'll forget about those nine weird minutes of Tom Cruise claiming to be able to help car crash victims better than trained paramedics because he thinks an alien in a golden jumbo jet bombed a volcano. And then Tom Cruise will be in the clear.

At least until Katie Holmes gets big, at which point we can start up with the silent birth rumours and the stories about Tom Cruise's placenta-eating. It's the circle of life, really.

Read more:

Katie Holmes pregnant again? – SMH

However, Katie Holmes has bravely pushed her head above the parapet and spoken out about something that Tom Cruise isn't able to do.

Tom Cruise, you see, can't keep pizzas warm with magic.

Katie Holmes must be absolutely furious at the moment, provided that someone's fitted a fury chip into her circuitboard. Ever since hooking up with Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes' film career has taken a battering. She had all her brilliant-sounding sex scenes mysteriously removed from Thank You For Smoking, then she was the worst thing about Batman Begins and after that acting had to take a back seat to speculation about whether Tom Cruise kept her in a metal cage or a bamboo one in private.

And this was supposed to be the time that Katie Holmes broke out for herself thanks to her – admittedly terrible-looking – new movie Mad Money. And what happens as Mad Money's release date approaches? Has everyone been giving a reasoned assessment of Katie's performance? No, they've been watching a creepy Scientologist video of Tom Cruise being weird and wondering how much of L Ron's sperm it took to get her pregnant. 

So Katie Holmes has had enough, and now she's decided to defend her husband to get the Mad Money promotion back on track. You see, even though Tom Cruise knows that only Scientologists are able to really help car-crash victims, he'd make a shit pizza delivery boy – and that's thanks to his vast inability to use magic to keep pizzas warm.

When Tom Cruise visited Katie Holmes and the other Mad Money cast members on set in Louisiana during filming once, he brought a pizza with him. From Giordanos in – get this – Chicago. And – get this – it was warm. Apparently the Mad Money cast and crew all thought that Tom Cruise had somehow harnessed his inner Thetan to keep the pizza warm for the entire 906-mile journey, but that's probably because they all sound like they're as thick as pigshit.

But, sadly, Katie Holmes has hilariously revealed that it wasn't magic at all – it was dry-ice:

"Giordanos send dry ice which keeps the pizza hot."

See? What Katie Holmes is trying to say is that Tom Cruise is just like us! And he is, except that we don't aggressively push our confusing religion onto people by claiming that we're eminently more qualified to cure car crash victims than paramedics because we believe that a crazy alien once dropped a hydrogen bomb into a volcano.

Plus Tom Cruise was also in a film about cocktails and we weren't. That's another way he's not like us. But mainly the creepy alien volcano bomb thing.

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HOLMES REVEALS CRUISE'S PIZZA MAGIC - PR Inside