Katherine Heigl may never be as loved as Angelina Jolie. Or as rich. Or as married to Brad Pitt. But so what?

Because Katherine Heigl can be like Angelina Jolie in other ways. Like, for instance, never making a film that’s as good as people expect it to be. And, more relevantly, adopting babies from other countries.

Katherine Heigl and her husband are adopting a 10-month-old Korean baby. It’ll be hard to be around such a loud, whiny, grasping, funny-smelling attention seeker to begin with, but we’re sure the baby will get used to it after a year or two.

It’s so hard for a celebrity to look like a do-gooder by adopting a baby from another country, isn’t it? Adopt one from Africa and you’re treading on Madonna’s toes. And don’t you dare think about adopting a baby from Vietnam, Ethiopia or Cambodia, because Angelina Jolie will come at you with all the ferocity of a prostitute whose turf you’ve inadvertently strayed onto. And if you want to adopt a baby, that doesn’t leave you with many options. Just look at Katherine Heigl.

Katherine Heigl and her husband Josh Kelley are trying to adopt a baby, but where can they look while still retaining a sense of originality? South America? Too hot. Russia? Too likely to poison your sushi with polonium-210. China? What’d be the point of adopting a baby who you already technically owe most of your money to?

Clearly the right answer – if Katherine Heigl had an ounce of humanitarianism in her body – would be to find the most desperately needy children on the face of the planet on the face of the Earth, and then politely ask either Jon or Kate Gosselin if they’d consider giving any of them up. But no, instead Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley have decided to adopt a baby from Korea instead. AP reports:

Melissa Kates, Heigl’s spokeswoman, confirmed the news but wouldn’t provide details… The couple’s adoption process has been in the works for at least six months and that the 10-month-old girl is from Korea. The report also says the baby’s name is Nayleigh, and her nickname will be Leigh.

It’s brilliant that Katherine Heigl has decided to bring home a Korean child. By taking Nayleigh to America, she’s ensured that the baby will experience a world that’s far removed from what she’s already used to. For instance, among the bright lights of America, Nayleigh will be able to behold the wonders of an internet that’s slower and more expensive than she’s ever seen, a public transport system that isn’t nearly as efficient, mobile phones that seem a bit rubbishy and backwards by comparison and schools where not every student will grow up to become a professor of mathematics.

But still, at least under the care of Katherine Heigl, baby Nayleigh will be able to learn something genuinely invaluable – that if you ever want to get anywhere in life, it’s a good idea to bitch relentlessly about it first. She’ll be fine.

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As a Grey’s Anatomy cast member, Katherine Heigl was essentially paid to stare into the middle distance and weep.

It was a good gig. Standing around whining about relationships with a variety of people who should probably be somewhere else performing emergency surgery on a child is about as easy as it gets, acting-wise. And yet, thanks to her stupid mouth, Katherine Heigl apparently upset the Grey’s Anatomy producers so much that they planned to kill her off.

Except now Katherine Heigl wants to stay on Grey’s Anatomy. That’s good news for Katherine Heigl and, um… oh, just Katherine Heigl.

If you’re a member of the Grey’s Anatomy cast, you basically only have two rules to live your live by. The first rule is that you must regularly examine exactly where your life went so very wrong, and the second one is that you must never upset the Grey’s Anatomy producers.

That last one’s key. Upset the producers by screaming homophobic slurs or having the temerity to read your lines exactly as they are on the script and they won’t think twice about sacking you. So with this in mind it’s a small miracle that Katherine Heigl has stayed on Grey’s Anatomy for so long, given that last summer she decided not to nominate herself for an award because she thought the writing on the show was so cack.

Which, you know, it is. But still, shame on you, Katherine Heigl.

So how did the Grey’s Anatomy producers respond to this slight? Easy – they gave her a massive load of brain cancer. A terminal one, too, if rumours were to be believed. And then they screamed “There! Now, do you want to complain about the broken chair in your dressing room again? DO YOU?” to a sobbing Ellen Pompeo. Possibly.

However, despite the giant load of cancer that’s ravaged her brain, it now seems like Katherine Heigl’s character might remain a part of Grey’s Anatomy – and it’s all thanks to Heigl’s perfectly-calibrated ability to grovel endlessly, as the LA Times reports:

I don’t know if that’s a yes or a no. No one will tell me and I don’t know how this is going to go. I don’t know if I live or die. I don’t know how Izzie fares…. I’m there” if Izzie remains part of “Grey’s Anatomy,” Heigl said. She called the set “one of my favorite places to be” and said her colleagues are also friends.

Personally we hope that Katherine Heigl’s Grey’s Anatomy character isn’t killed off by brain cancer, because that would give her the satisfaction of performing a touchingly elegant final death scene. No, it’d be much better for her to beat the cancer and then get hit by a bus. Or fall down an abandoned lift shaft. Or have her head knocked off by a robotic aeroplane with a bowling ball tied underneath it. Or be swallowed whole by giant sewer crocodile. Or be shot in half by lasers. Or get her hair caught in an industrial shredder.

We’ve got a million of these. Grey’s Anatomy people, call us.

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TR Knight and Katherine Heigl did everything together – they got their Grey’s Anatomy co-stars fired together, they relentlessly bitched about what a chore Grey’s Anatomy was together, and now they’re both leaving together, according to co-star James Pickens, Jr.

What of TR Knight and Katherine Heigl post-Grey’s Anatomy? Well – since one’s a gay man and the other is an impossibly hard to like woman – maybe a Will & Grace-style sitcom about, let’s say, two failed actors.

We have to say, we’re worried about Grey’s Anatomy. Over the last few years it’s become all about the staggering egos of the cast and crew, which is heartbreaking. Everyone knows that Grey’s Anatomy should be all about piss-weak soap opera storylines, pointlessly vague voiceovers and more soggy-knickered mimsying indie music than anyone would ever actively wish to listen to.

But the good news is that the constant ego-driven wankery of Grey’s Anatomy might be over, because its chief proponents – TR Knight and Katherine Heigl are on their way out. MSNBC reports:

James Pickens, Jr., who plays chief of surgery Dr. Richard Webber at fictional Seattle Grace Hospital, told Us Weekly that Katherine Heigl and T.R. Knight are on their way out. Us also quoted a set source as saying “(Knight) complains to Katherine all the time. The energy on set will be much better when he’s gone.”

Oh, don’t look so surprised – both TR Knight and Katherine Heigl have been pretty vocal about what a drag it is to work on Grey’s Anatomy – TR because his beautiful doughy face isn’t onscreen for long enough and Katherine because she doesn’t feel as if the writing on Grey’s Anatomy is as good as, say, that terrible 27 Dresses movie she made.

Will TR Knight and Katherine Heigl really be leaving Grey’s Anatomy forever? Let’s not be so sure – US Weekly also quoted a source who claimed that the Grey’s Anatomy writers want to create an ending for Knight’s character that will leave him able to return at a later date.

Meanwhile, we’re guessing, they want Katherine Heigl’s character to be dropped out of a helicopter onto a pile of infected medical waste just before a tank runs over her, reverses and runs over her again, followed by a full marching band trampling over her broken limbs playing an especially jaunty version of Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead. Just a guess, there.

But if TR Knight and Katherine Heigl do leave Grey’s Anatomy, it doesn’t leave the show in great shape. TR Knight will have gone, Katherine Heigl will have gone, Isaiah Washington is long gone, that lesbian doctor woman has left and that other lesbian doctor woman has left as well. And with Patrick Dempsey contractually obliged to appear in every fifth romantic comedy ever made, that essentially makes Grey’s Anatomy nothing more than a show all about that irritating woman who looks like a malnourished upturned eraser-tipped pencil. Who’d want to put themselves through a tragic ordeal like watching that?

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For she who whines about everything in the world ever has seen fit to now whine about the thing that probably affects her worst of all. Yes, Katherine Heigl is complaining about Katherine Heigl.

Not in the same way hecklerspray has complained though, oh no – Katherine doesn’t like how she seems to have forgotten her religion, and she feels that she should be paying more attention to her spiritual side as a result.

If paying attention to the Mormon belief system she was raised with means that she might actually shut up for once, then we’re all for it. Maybe she’ll learn to stop whining too? It does seem to be something that only a god could accomplish, after all.

While we wait for the results of Katherine Heigl’s spiritual re-awakening though, we still have to put up with her incessant complaints. At least with this most recent bout being about herself we can actually agree with her – it’s not like the frighteningly snotty comments she made about Grey’s Anatomy now, is it? Nor is it like the time when she nearly killed off her chances of starring in every Judd Apatow film ever made ever.

No – this is the kind of complaint that hecklerspray enjoys listening to. We do wish Katty had been a bit more critical of herself, and not just highlighted the fact that she’d fallen away from her religion over the years. Maybe if she’d referred to herself as ‘a stupid, sour-faced, whining bitch’ or ‘absolutely not the kind of girl any man with a brain would want to go out with, contrary to apparent popular belief’.

Instead she just went with these words – talking to anyone who would listen, Heigl whined:

“I’m not as disciplined about it as I once was, but I hope to find my way back as I get older and a little less selfish.”

She went on, even though there were probably very few people listening by this point:

“If I start going back to church I’d have to stop the smoking and drinking, and I wouldn’t be able to curse any more. I’m ashamed to say that I’ve got very lazy about it all.”

Maybe she’s saving those particularly strong gripes for her next outburst. Hopefully then she’ll ‘go a bit Britney’ and start trying to eat a car or something out of sheer rage for the world around her, vomiting out blood in a ferocious pattern of bitch-induced hatred. Or maybe she’ll just complain that the next film she’s in made her look too happy.

We can hope for the former, though the latter is a bit more likely to be honest.

In the meantime we can sit, wait and plan our template for the post when she does finally go over the edge – the headlines are brewing already: ‘Heigl Shoots Cat With Rocket Launcher: Video Inside!’ would be sure to make us at least a bit more popular.

That was thought to be the reasoning of the Grey’s Anatomy team, anyway – sick of listening to Katherine Heigl bitch on about everything all the time like the dreadful donkeymouth she certainly appears to be, rumour had it that they were going to kill her character off in the most painful, degrading, mean-spirited way possible.

Sadly that’s not the case. An ABC bigwig has come forward to publicly declare that Katherine Heigl is going to live forever, more or less. On Grey’s Anatomy, at least – for all we know someone might push a piano out of a helicopter onto Katherine Heigl’s head tomorrow. By the way, if that actually happens, we had nothing to do with it. We looked into it and helicopters are impractically expensive.

Remember when Katherine Heigl was voted everyone’s ideal girlfriend? Who the hell voted for that? Katherine Heigl would be a terrible girlfriend. Perhaps the worst girlfriend in the history of girlfriends. And it’s all down to her impossibly toxic attitude, which seems to equate ‘good old-fashioned honesty’ with ‘utter toe-curling obnoxiousness’.

You’ll remember, of course, the time that Katherine Heigl publicly tried to force her Grey’s Anatomy co-star Isaiah Washington off the show just because he was a teensy bit angry and homophobic. Or the time that she looked back on Knocked Up, the movie that made her famous, and slated it mercilessly. Or the time that she did exactly the same thing to Grey’s Anatomy.

It’s a habit, and people are getting sick of it. Especially the production staff on Grey’s Anatomy, if earlier rumours were to be believed. Rather than work with Katherine Heigl again, it was reported that Grey’s Anatomy was planning to murder her character by giving her a gigantic agonising brain tumour.

The rumours didn’t sound particularly feasible at the time – because if we wanted to kill Katherine Heigl’s character, we’d have her face attacked off by wolves, or have her spine obliterated after a 50-storey fall down an abandoned lift shaft, or we’d give her Ebola or we’d set her on fire and push her down the stairs or we’d drown her like a witch – and now it turns out they’re not.

Rejoice, single remaining Katherine Heigl fan! Your hero will live! ABC boss Steve McPherson told E! Online:

“She is absolutely staying with the show. She has an unbelievable storyline for her this year, which is really central to everything that is going to go on this season. Shonda is really excited about that; she’s the one who actually crafted that.”

Great, give Katherine Heigl exactly what she wants – that’ll cure her attitude problem, won’t it? They’re really not going to kill her off. They’re not even going to maim her a little bit. That’s just asking for trouble in our opinion.

The Grey’s Anatomy writers should at least write in the possibility of Katherine Heigl’s death. For example, it wouldn’t take much to end every episode with Heigl saying “Bye everyone, I’m off to see how long I can put my head inside a crocodile’s open mouth,” or “Are you all coming to my ballet recital over on the abandoned minefield tonight?” At least that way it wouldn’t be too hard to get rid of her after her next inevitable snotty outburst.

Yes, we’ve thought about this one quite hard.

Come on Katherine, grow some sense – you can’t make any comment about anything, ever, without it being jumped on and you made out to look like something of a snob or a twit. Remember the Knocked Up ’sexist’ fiasco? Where it came out that you thought the film was sexist? Then backtracked, claiming your quote was taken out of context?

Then everyone decided you hated the film?

Then everyone decided you were a bit of a mouthy git?

Seriously – the smart money would be on choosing your words more carefully, or just keeping schtum. But you haven’t learned – this time you’ve made it look as if you’re slagging off Grey’s Anatomy, which currently pays the bills. Again, maybe not so smart.

Yes, Katherine Heigl was nominated for an Emmy award at this year’s ceremony, but she’s gone and pulled out. Because apparently she doesn’t think she’s deserving of a trophy this year. #

Actually, that’s quite honourable and honest of her. So why did she have to go and make it sound as if she’s blaming the show for her being undeserving?

“I did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention.”

Speaking to the Los Angeles Times, Heigl made it all too clear where she was placing the blame. She wasn’t the one that had been crap over the last year – the show was! It’s all clear now! Possibly noticing that this was one of the least subtle comments belittling one’s own show, Katherine followed up the comment:

“In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials.”

Ah. Kick the Anatomy when it’s down, why don’t you. Jeez.

We suppose it could be worse – Katherine could be having a go at a show that actually has some good points, and not an overly-emotional, faux-intellectual farce of a television show that preys on the lowest common denominator to keep its viewing figures up. Like, say, if she started on The Wire, then, whoa. That wouldn’t bode well for her.

Consider yourself warned, Heigl.

You want Katherine Heigl to be your girlfriend because an AskMen.com survey has declared that Katherine Heigl is the most desirable woman on the planet and, as a man, it's the law to want her all to yourself.

And, you know, even if you're not a man you probably want Katherine Heigl to be your girlfriend as well. We're open-minded people, so we understand if you girls want a piece of Katherine Heigl too. Our only request is, if that should ever happen, that you film it and send us a copy. For research purposes. There's nothing funny about it.

The annual AskMen Most Desirable Woman survey has turned into quite the cultural barometer of what qualities men look for when they're choosing a girlfriend. For example, in the year 2150 our ancestors will look back to 2006, see that Jessica Alba was the most desirable women and understand that tight little stomachs, non-specific dimness and a refusal to ever get naked was what men looked for in a woman. And they'll see that in 2007 Beyonce was the most desirable woman, signifying that back then men liked their women with wiggly bums and smashed-up faces.

But what about 2008? What is it than men like now? Well, according to the results of this year's AskMen survey, men like really outspoken women who chainsmoke and actually seem like they'd be quite annoying if you ever met them. Because this year the winner of the AskMen Most Desirable Woman survey is Katherine Heigl, the woman who was in Knocked Up and then slagged Knocked Up off and helped fan the flames of that whole Isaiah Washington homophobia kerfuffle last year. According to Reuters:

Superlatives keep piling up for actress Katherine Heigl who on Thursday was named the "most desirable woman of 2008" by lifestyle Web site, AskMen.com. The site, which boasts seven million readers a month, said it polls users annually for a list of 99 women who best embody the qualities of an ideal girlfriend or wife, as judged by intelligence, humor, charisma and ambition among attributes. "This year's list really goes to show who (our users) relate with and find beautiful, charming and personable," said AskMen.com's editor-in-chief, James Bassil.

Remember, readers weren't voting for the sexiest woman, or the most beautiful. They were voting for their ideal girlfriend. So, on that basis we can guess that Katherine Heigl doesn't keep yipping on when you're trying to watch TV, or take two identical dresses into a clothes store changing room and then ask you which one you prefer, and also thinks it's actually quite cool when you pile rubbish in a mound on top of the bin instead of just change the bin bag.

And, if that's all true then Katherine Heigl is certainly the best girlfriend in the world.

The runners up in the AskMen Most Ideal Woman survey were Alessandra Ambrosio, Kate Beckinsdale, Eva Mendes, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel, Rihanna, Marisa Miller and Adriana Lima. So obviously if Katherine Heigl is out of your league, there's always Adriana Lima.

Read more:

Katherine Heigl Named "Most Desirable Woman" - Reuters 

But even a big star like Katherine Heigl needs to keep herself grounded, and that's why she spent last week getting married in Utah. Katherine Heigl has married Josh Kelley, who recently hit the record books for being the least famous musician ever, even beating that weird Asian kid who sits outside Debenhams playing the theme-tune to The Simpsons on a cello over and over again. To her credit, Katherine Heigl looked thrilled to be finally getting married, although with her reputation it's only going to be a matter of days before she gives a big long bitter interview to a leading glossy magazine all about how much she hates weddings, husbands, honeymoons, confetti and happiness.

Oh come on, you know who Katherine Heigl is. She's the woman from Grey's Anatomy who was in Knocked Up. You know, the woman from Grey's Anatomy who mentioned how much she dislikes Knocked Up in that interview about how much she dislikes Grey's Anatomy. You know who she is. 

Anyway, she's got married. We know, big stuff. Katherine Heigl's wedding to musician Josh Kelley took place on Thursday at a lodge in Park City, Utah. And by all accounts it was a beautiful ceremony. Obviously by 'all accounts' we mean 'just one account that we only just read about a second ago' and that happens to come from People:

With a light snow falling outside, Katherine Heigl exchanged vows with musician Josh Kelley in scenic Park City, Utah. The private reception was witnessed by Grey's Anatomy costars T.R. Knight – who told PEOPLE it was "incredible and beautiful" – and Sandra Oh, as well as Private Practice star Kate Walsh and new husband Alex Young. Taking place in a small, private tent at the Stein Eriksen Lodge, the nuptuals lasted about 30 minutes in an area decked out in white flowers and white candles. A walkway from the tent to the nearby reception was lined with white candles, illuminating the fresh snow. 

But who is this Josh Kelley character who's suddenly become Katherine Heigl's husband? Well, if you saw the Disney movie Brother Bear 2 you'll recognise his song Feels Like Home from the soundtrack. You didn't see that film? OK, then you might recognise his song Sunset Lover from the John Tucker Must Die soundtrack. Didn't see that one either? He did a song for My Super Ex-Girlfriend. No? Herbie Fully Loaded? Still no? Oh, suit yourselves.

Anyway, Josh Kelley first met Katherine Heigl when she starred in the music video to his song Only You. Ah, that old romantic 'invite women you want to have sex with to star in your music videos' ploy. It never fails to bring a lump to our throats. 

So congratulations to Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley. May you both stay married until the next really quiet news day comes around so we can pretend to be interested in that as well.

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Nothing Gray About Katherine Heigl's Wedding Day - E! Online

So really you'd think that Katherine Heigl would have enjoyed being in such a phenomenally well-received comedy movie, since it's paved her way to starring in a bunch of other inane-looking romantic comedies. But not a bit of it, because Katherine Heigl has said in an interview with Vanity Fair that Knocked Up was "hard to love" because it's "a little sexist." But then perhaps Katherine Heigl is confusing 'sexist' with 'capable of eliciting human responses from viewers' – something that Grey's Anatomy has never managed to really do, unless you count yawning as a human response.

By and large, Katherine Heigl was a revelation in Knocked Up, because it showed that a) she could act and b) she had a sense of humour. Compare that to Katherine Heigl's time on Grey's Anatomy when most people either a) didn't know who she was or b) didn't care who she was, and you'll see the difference.

However, behind the scenes of Grey's Anatomy Katherine Heigl gained a bit of a reputation for being outspoken – she was an integral part in the 'Get Isaiah Washington Fired' campaign of earlier this year – and that seems to have bled through to her movie work.

Because – despite being in Knocked Up, a movie that some critics called the funniest American film in years, and playing a role that thousands of actresses would have killed for – Katherine Heigl has decided to slag the film off in an interview with Vanity Fair:

"It was a little sexist. It paints the women as shrews, as humorless and uptight, and it paints the men as lovable, goofy, fun-loving guys. … Ninety-eight percent of the time it was an amazing experience, but it was hard for me to love the movie."

Silly Katherine Heigl. Someone in her position should know that if you star in one Judd Apatow movie, you're more or less allowed to star in every other Judd Apatow movie ever made until the end of time. So by laying into Knocked Up, there's a chance that Katherine Heigl has destroyed the possibility of guaranteed work and giant movie star paychecks for some time.

Not that we're against what Katherine Heigl says, of course. It's refreshing to see an actress talk so honestly about her work, while simultaneously expressing her feelings about an important topic like sexism. But it's just as well that female opinion doesn't count as much as male opinion, or else we'd really have to sit up and take notice of what she was saying. We think it was about housework or curtains or something.

Read more:

Star of 'Knocked Up' calls film 'a little sexist' – Chicago Sun-Times