9 – And now, for anyone who thinks that Nintendo Wiis aren’t creepy enough – Geekologie

8 – The Roots have missed their calling. Hip-hop’s gain is 1970’s MOR deep, deep loss – MyChemicalToilet

7 – What did Kim Kardashian dress up as for Halloween? What? A sort of prostitutey Disney princess? Get out of town – AmyGrindhouse

6 - Is Prince Of Persia going to be good or cack? Someone tell us - Popsugar

5 – Kate Winslet is definitely not the world’s most irritating actress, so don’t sue us please – PopEater

4 – What’s that? You’ve always wanted to buy a plaster cast of Tila Tequila’s boob? You’re in luck, you disgusting bloody pervert – Bestweekever

3 -Danielle Bux, she’s just like us (except she has to put up with Gary Lineker pawing at her boobs like some sort of gross big-eared zombie) - Interestment

2 - The name of this website explains everything you need to know - Hotchickswithfistsintheirmouths

1 - This is so adorable we think it just made us grow ovaries…

What a blunder, Kate. You opened your mouth and now the whole world has idiot flu.

We at Hecklerspray, however, can feed our families because you discreetly told a girlie mag that you’re working class. Somehow we can’t see you binge-drinking down the local with a pack of slags or putting mayo on our chips.

You could a buy a couple of chippies for £12 million though, maybe open your own colliery and get Sam Mendes to film your family while they break their backs for minimum wage. Next time you want make a statement, don’t tell Marie Claire – use propaganda. That’s what clever people do.

The 33-year-old actress told Marie Claire that people didn’t believe she was working class because of her accent:

“People don’t believe that. People literally think I’m lying because I speak nice. Honestly, it was hand-me-down shoes and 10p pocket money on a Saturday that didn’t go up until I was 11.”

Why does Winslet feel the need to tell everyone that she’s a lowly born wench, created from the salt of the earth? It doesn’t matter anymore Kate, nobody cares about class. You can’t endear yourself to people by taking to the podium to saying: ‘Look at me. I was like you once!’ And just for the record, most people are working class – It’s not romantic or unique, it’s not ‘cool’ or even worth discussing.

Now watch the actors, footballers and entrepreneurs play the Spartacus game because you didn’t think before you spoke. Paris Hilton is suddenly working class, so are Lindsay Lohan, Sir Alan Sugar, Flava Flav, Kelly Osbourne and Ashley Cole (could you have guessed?).

The actress hails from Maidenhead, Berkshire and comes from an acting family. Her father, Roger John Winslet was a struggling thespian and had to take to conventional work after a boating accident left him disabled. The actor’s charitable trust funded Kate’s (private) education at the Redroofs Theatre school where she was head girl and appeared in a Sugar Puffs advert. She said:

“We had these dreadful second-hand cars that would always die a death, or we’d go on holiday to Cornwall, come back and it would have been nicked. It’s like a Joe Orton farce, my family.”

In a world of child soldiers, exploitation and genocide, there’s nothing more heartbreaking than a child who grows up with an educational bursary and a weekly income. ‘Why do women talk such rubbish?’ you might ask. Furthermore, why do women’s magazines print it? Scientists and criminal psychologists are stumped.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

9 – A list of 100 sexy grey-haired men. For the laydeeeez – BWE

8 - Want to make an environmentally-friendly booby trap? OK! – Instructables

7 – Fast food restaurant pictures vs the real thing – Thewvsr

6 – Even more nightmarish animals. Personally we’re fond of the worm that burrows inside your eyes the most - Atom

5 - People, you’ve seen the last of Kate Winslet’s boobies – Holymoly

4 - THE MAN WITH THE WORLD’S STRONGEST EYELIDS! – Thesun

3 – We don’t normally do stuff like this, but our defence against cuteness is only so strong - I Am Bored

2 - Well here’s an unlikely duet – Popsugar

1 – Yes, the end of this video is inevitable from the outset. But, yes, it’s worth it – Withleather

Just don’t tell the Oscars organisers. They’re absolutely murdering themselves trying to get even a flicker of Oscars-related interest from the populous at large and, it’s fair to say, they’re failing spectacularly.

But the Oscar people have got an ingenious joker up their sleeves – they’re keeping the award presenters secret until the ceremony itself. Incredible! But here’s a warning – if the awards aren’t presented by Elvis, Jesus and a dancing troupe of exploding nuns, we’ll be sorely effed off.

Why do people watch the Oscars? In the past we’d studied this question in intense detail, and we thought we’d come up with three indisputable core reasons:

1 - People are genuinely interested in the fortunes of films that they’d never actually pay to see.

2 – People get a berserk, yet undeniably satisfying, kick from watching Kate Winslet cry like a slapped toddler.

3 - Loneliness and/or tragic mental deficiencies.

But it turns out we were wrong. The organisers of the Oscars know exactly why people watch their gaudy little ceremony, and that’s to see who presents the awards. No, not who wins the awards – people are desperate to find out the celebrities who’ll actually totter up to a plinth, blurt out three lines of awkward sincerity about the power of cinema as a tool of social change and then read the nominations for Best Sound Mixing.

No, really. That’s why people watch the Oscars. It is. And that’s why ratings for the Oscars have been in freefall for the last few years – not because people have got better things to do than watch an endless parade of smug millionaires blithely giving baubles to each other because they starred in barely-watched films about Darfur, but because the names of the Oscars presenters have been announced before the ceremony takes place.

But not this year, buddy. This year, to drum up excitement for their show, organisers of the Oscars have decided to keep the names of the Oscar presenters a secret until the very last minute, as the New York Daily News reports:

Don’t even try to find out which stars will be presenting the awards at this year’s Oscar ceremony – it’s top secret information until the show airs. But will this strategy hatched by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences to create suspense and intrigue actually hook viewers? “I just can’t imagine it really makes anyone that much more excited about the Oscars,” said Bradley Jacobs, film editor at Us Weekly.

No, Bradley Jacobs! You’re wrong! This secret has made us much more excited about the Oscars. We just don’t know who’ll present the Oscars at all. Well, except for Daniel Day Lewis, who’ll probably present the Best Actress award because he won the Best Actor award last year and last year’s Best Actor presenting this year’s Best Actress Oscar is a tradition. And Marion Cotillard, obviously, because she won Best Actress last year so the same rule apples.

And Javier Bardem and Tilda Swinton, because they won the Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress Oscars last year and that’s how it works. And Jennifer Aniston, because that’s already been leaked. And probably Jack Black, because he seems to present something at every single bloody Oscars anyway.

But we’re absolutely going to watch the Oscars on Sunday to see who’ll present the other awards. Unless one of them will be Jack Nicholson. And one of them will almost definitely be Jack Nicholson. So we’re probably not going to bother, actually.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But it’s more than that, you know – SAG also holds an incredibly important awards ceremony each year, too. The SAG awards help to dictate the Oscar winners each year, by basically copying the Golden Globes and then standing around hoping that nobody notices. Which, so far, they haven’t.

And, as such, the big winner at last night’s SAG awards was Slumdog Millionaire, which not only won Best Picture, but also Best First Half Of A Movie and Drippiest Ending.

You’d think that SAG had better things to do than hold awards shows at the moment, wouldn’t you? The union is currently poised on the verge of a civil war over a potential strike that could lead to the unthinkable – that’s right, a slightly longer wait than usual to see films that you weren’t even bothered to see in the first place. It’s literally a nightmare.

But still, last night’s SAG awards gave the acting community a rare day off from the stresses of its strike impasse to do the one thing that it does better than anyone else – throw on some nice clothes and crow on forever about how brilliant and important it is.

And, make no mistake, the SAG awards are important – they’re a heavy indicator to the results of the Oscars, along with only three or four thousand other smug, attention-seeking movie awards shows that tend to take place at this time of year. So with this in mind, who came out on top at last night’s SAG awards?

Well, we’ll start by dismissing the Best Actor and Best Actress awards, because they were won by Sean Penn and Meryl Streep – both such icons of the acting community that they probably still would have won had they starred in that air freshener commercial about the boy who gets offended at how much his poo stinks.

The Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress SAG awards were also pretty much an inevitability – Heath Ledger won his for The Dark Knight while Kate Winslet won hers for Nazi Girls Gone Wild, or whatever that film of hers is called.

And, really, that just left Best Picture. And we’re going to dismiss that as well, because Slumdog Millionaire win it and it’s already won all kinds of other awards, plus the ending’s a bit wet and we can’t help shaking the feeling that people only give it awards so that they can gloat about their own diverse tastes in movies afterwards because of all the brown people that are in it.

So that’s it, really. The SAG awards were a bit of a washout, with awards either going to established awards favourites or the usual cast of Serious And Respected Actors. And nobody even took the time to indulge in the most SAG-y pasttime of all – literally comparing themselves to God. Did they, Variety?

“I don’t mean to embarrass anybody by comparing the actor to God, but once we’ve taken the role, we have a similar responsibility to breathe life into that role, and only the actor can do that.”

Thank you, James Earl Jones. You had us worried there for a minute.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

But last night’s Golden Globes had an unavoidably sad shadow looming over them. Was this because it was the first major awards show to honour the late Heath Ledger’s role in The Dark Knight by giving him the award for Best Supporting Actor? In part, yes.

But mainly it’s because Mickey Rourke decided to use his Golden Globes acceptance speech to eulogise some of his dead pets. And because Rumer Willis‘ face gives us the creeps.

There was a time when the Golden Globes only really existed as an excuse for Jack Nicholson to turn up, listen to four jokes about himself, laugh loudly and then presumably get drunk enough to knock stuff over afterwards. But over the last couple of years, the Golden Globes have become a much gloomier affair.

Last year this was because the Golden Globes coincided with the writers’ strike, which meant that – if memory serves correct – it was conducted within the space of ten minutes from a pasting table set-up in the car park of the Bognor Regis branch of Matalan.

This year, though, the Golden Globes were gloomy because of the unavoidable fact that one of the year’s most effervescent screen performances was given by a dead man. That’s right, we’re talking about Kate Winslet and her role in Revolutionary Road.

Oh, and Heath Ledger too. Although his posthumous Golden Globe and Oscar nominations for Best Supporting Actor for his role as The Joker in The Dark Knight had always been a given thanks to both his remarkable performance and his untimely death, whether or not he’d actually win any of the awards was a different matter.

But, as the New York Daily News reports, last night he did – and his director Christopher Nolan was there to collect the award:

The announcement of Ledger’s name by presenter Demi Moore was met with a standing ovation by the crowd, followed by “Dark Knight” director Christopher Nolan’s short but moving speech. “I accept this with an awful mixture of sadness and intense pride,” said Nolan, adding that Ledgers’ death a year ago at age 28 meant “a hole had been ripped in the future of cinema.”

Elsewhere, Golden Globes were won by Mickey Rourke – who did his weird dog-dedicating thing – along with the miniseries John Adams, 30 Rock, Slumdog Millionaire and the well-deserved double Golden Globes win by Kate Winslet for her turns in The Reader and Revolutionary Road. We say well-deserved, but obviously we’re talking about us, because hopefully this means we won’t have to listen to her bleating on about how she never wins anything any more. And that’d be a relief, frankly.

However, last night’s Golden Globes belonged to one person, and that’s Heath Ledger. It’s just a shame he wasn’t around to see it.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

9 - Anyone want to know what Kelly Clarkson looks like now that she’s decided she wants to be famous again? – Popjustice

8 – We don’t know what’s the worst thing about this, the fact it happened or the unsettling sensation that it’s moments away from being turned into a Jim Carrey movie - ABC

7 - The best-selling videogame ever is the reason you couldn’t move your arms that one Christmas – VGChartz

6 - Want to make your fingers smoke? Us neither, but here’s an impressively complicated way to do it anyway – I Am Bored

5 - Make it through a minute of this and you’ll be rewarded by the sound of a man ejaculating – Best Week Ever

4 – Kate Winslet wears a hat. That is all – Popsugar

3 – Reasons why Twitter is brilliant: Britney Spears‘ vagina edition (thanks Suzybeth!) – Gigwise

2 - The only martial art we’ll ever want to learn – Artofmanliness

1 - Best news of all time: it’s good for children if you’re relentlessly cruel about their physical defects! – Telegraph

And since Kate Winslet has an interview in the new issue of Vanity Fair, it stands to reason that she should get as absolutely naked as flipping possible in every single accompanying picture. But here’s the crazy thing – Kate Winslet’s naked body actually looks fairly decent in the photos.

And this is chubby old Kate Winslet we’re talking about here – lumpy bumpy old chubby old Kate Winslet. So if her naked pictures looked good, it’s only logical to assume that it was because they’d been mangled beyond all recognition with an airbrush. Just don’t mention that around Kate Winslet, because there’s a strong chance she’ll punch your face off if she hears you.

We’ve always had a soft spot for Kate Winslet – she’s living proof that if a fat child loses enough weight by the time she grows up, then the resulting combination revenge and lack of self-esteem means that she’ll almost definitely take off all of her clothes whenever she gets the chance.

And, make no mistake, Kate Winslet was a fat child. That’s not a secret – Kate Winslet mentioned it herself during the endless insecure whine that passed for her interview with Vanity Fair this month. However, while the text might have painted a picture of a woman so wracked with neuroses that she appeared to be impersonating Woody Allen on a particularly brutal episode of 10 Years Younger, the accompanying photos told a very different story indeed.

The accompanying photos, in fact, told a story of a sexy, unusually confident woman sprawled naked across a fur rug with her bum sticking out. The only logical explanation for that, given the chasm between the grubby little lardpot described in the interview and the beautiful woman in the photographs, was that Kate Winslet’s naked body had been airbrushed and Photoshopped and tinkered with until it bore no resemblance to real life at all.

That was the rumour, anyway. But people should know that if you go around spreading rumours about Kate Winslet’s body then you’ll end up with either a lawsuit or a really ruddy strongly-worded letter from one of her employees. Which is what happened yesterday, as People reports:

“Kate is furious at suggestions that her body has been airbrushed,” her rep tells PEOPLE exclusively. “She is in terrific shape and what you see is how she looks or she would never have agreed to pose for those shots.”

You hear that, haters? Kate Winslet’s naked body wasn’t digitally retouched at all, so you can go and shove it. Except that, in truth, the photos were retouched a bit for the magazine, with manipulations made to colouring and skin tone. But that doesn’t mean that Kate Winslet isn’t furious, because she is. She’s furious.

In fact, Kate Winslet is so furious at all those people who claimed that her digitally-retouched Vanity Fair photos had been digitally-retouched that she’s vowed to forgo any digital airbrushing whatsoever next time she poses naked for a glossy magazine. What you see will be all natural Winslet, from the lumps on her body to the throbbing vein that’s splattered across the side of her head because she keeps getting worked up about stuff that nobody else gives a shit about.

Still, despite all this talk of airbrushing, we shouldn’t lose focus of the big picture here – that Kate Winslet has successfully made the leap from being naked in films to being naked in magazines. Congratulations Kate – now you’re only inches away from fulfilling your dream of starting your own premium subsciption-based website to be naked in.

But she is. Oh lord, she is. It turns out that Kate Winslet is so thunderingly insecure – about absolutely everything – that she makes Ally McBeal look like Darth Vader after a manicure and half a bottle of gin. How do we know this? Because Kate Winslet has raked over her endless neuroses for the new issue of Vanity Fair.

So, to save you the effort of buying the new issue of Vanity Fair, here’s a list of all the things that Kate Winslet is insecure about: her weight as a teenager, her weight now, her dress sense, the way she looks ‘wrong’, her stupid pointy nose, her awful screechy voice, her fat hands, the way the last syllable of her surname rhymes with a swearword and her ridiculous big face. We may have made some of those up, by the way.

Kate Winslet has always stood as a shining example of a real woman. She doesn’t look like the androgynous four-year-olds that fashion designers like so much, and she doesn’t waddle round in a bikini covered with six tins of goose fat and enough lipgloss to fell a moose like the models in the lad’s mags do.

Instead Kate Winslet is a torchbearer for normal women across the globe; a woman who says it’s OK to have curves, and that the important thing is to feel comfortable in yourself.

True, you might develop a confusing compulsion to go topless in public at the drop of a hat to overcompensatingly prove that you’re comfortable with how you look, and you might also start flinging batshit lawsuits around to prove that you haven’t been on any diets because that’s just how bloody comfortable you are with yourself, OK?, but that’s by the by.

But even though she’s obviously so completely comfortable with her own body that she even managed to get her boobs out in a family movie about a horrific maritime disaster, sometimes even Kate Winslet succumbs to a spot of insecurity about how she looks. Well, we say ‘a spot’. Actually we mean ‘a gigantic, all-consuming tidal wave big enough to destroy the entire planet’, as Vanity Fair found out recently:

“I never had a desire to be famous I was fat. I didn’t know any fat famous actresses. I just did not see myself in that world at all, and I’m being very sincere. You know, once a fat kid, always a fat kid… You always think that you just look a little bit wrong or a little bit different from everyone else. And I still sort of have that.”

We haven’t read all the way to Kate Winslet’s Vanity Fair interview, but we’re pretty certain that it ended with her staring at her own hands, screaming “I’M A MONSTER! A MONSTER!”, dousing herself in petrol, setting herself on fire and running haphazardly around the room knocking everything over until she toppled out of an open window.

Or maybe we’re wrong. Either way, Kate Winslet probably hasn’t got much to worry about. Apart from the fact that, you know, this whole interview was ostensibly to promote Kate Winslet’s new movie The Reader, and the potential audience for a highbrow movie about the Holocaust probably won’t be too easily swayed by hearing sob stories about what a chubby little toddler Kate used to be.

Still, we can’t wait to see what she does to promote Revolutionary Road. If we were a glossy magazine we’d be teeing up the headline ‘Kate Winslet: Boo Hoo, I’ve Got A Big Vagina’ right now just in case.