Kate Winslet Marries Rich Guy With Really Douchey Name

kate-winsletBy now, everyone knows that Kate Winslet pulled off a secret wedding to Richard Branson’s nephew, Ned Rock’nRoll, earlier in December. Let’s address that absurd name right off the bat.

Ned’s given name is?Edward Lyulph Abel Smith, but he changed it legally in 2008 … apostrophe ‘n’?and everything. Now, granted, Smith is a pretty boring name, and it seems that he?went by Abel, which has?a relatively heavy Biblical association … so there’s definitely room for improvement.

According to his ex-wife, the name change decision was symbolic of not taking one’s self too seriously … but it’s still pretty awful. He’s a zany guy … we get it … but?as?soon as you choose to put Rock’nRoll in your name, you’re instantly much much less rock ‘n’ roll. No matter how many billionaire uncles you have.

The circumstances of?Ned and?Kate’s?romance are a bit scandalous. They may have met previously, but?first truly hit it off on Uncle Rich?s private Caribbean island in August 2011. Kate was there with her Burberry model boyfriend, Louis Dowler. Ned was there recovering from his break-up with his multi-millionaire heiress wife. There was a fire, Kate apparently saved the life of Richard?s aged mother, and somewhere along the way, Kate tossed Louis over for Ned.

By the following month, Ned and Kate were popping up together in public, and shortly after, poor jilted Louis complained of Kate’s treatment of him to the Daily Mail.

“I don’t think Kate behaved well and it is still very raw for me.”

kate-winslet-ned-rocknrollOne oft-heard criticism of Kate is that she’s a serial lover, bursting from one serious relationship to the next with scant time in between. At 37 years old, this is her third marriage, putting her right on track with Zsa Zsa Gabor who was still on her third of nine marriages at that age, but lagging a bit behind Elizabeth Taylor who was well into her fifth marriage.

While?Kate and?Ned’s?wedding was so intimate that the couple’s parents didn’t even know about it, it can’t have been too much of a shock since?when their representative confirmed the marriage to the press, it was?added that they had been engaged since the summer. They also recently purchased a home together in rural Sussex. Apparently, these two just know how to keep their mouths shut, unlike many attention-seeking celebs.

The wedding took place in the Catskill mountains of New York and?some reports say that Leonardo DiCaprio gave Kate away, which is strangely charming. Cheers to the new Mr. and Mrs. Rock’nRoll. As stupid as the name is, and as unlikely as it seems, we hope you’re here to stay.