Oh, Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes, why now? Why did you decide to bring an end to your seven-year marriage now?

Why not three years ago? If Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes has split up three years ago, they would have never made Revolutionary Road together. And we would have never had to spend two hours of our lives watching a slightly repugnant melodrama about the world’s most grisly abortion. Damn you both for not realising that you hated each other sooner, Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes!

But anyway, Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes have separated. And that means that Sam Mendes will never again get to see Kate Winslet naked. Unless, you know, he owns any of her films on DVD.

We always thought that Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes would be together forever. They just seemed like such a perfect fit – Kate Winslet loves nothing more than starring in Very Serious Films where she gets to stare into the middle distance with overwrought profundity at the cost of any actual entertainment, and Sam Mendes loves nothing more than directing Very Serious Films where actors get to stare at plastic bags flapping around with overwrought profundity at the cost of any actual entertainment. They were perfect.

But it wasn’t to be. Yesterday Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes announced that they had separated. What caused the split? Nobody knows at the moment – some are claiming that Sam Mendes was too much of a homebody for Kate Winslet, others are claiming that Kate Winslet is impossible to live with. Nobody has yet claimed that it was because Sam Mendes’s career is on the slide and Kate Winslet wants to align herself with someone who’ll win her another Oscar, but we expect they will have done by the weekend. Here’s what the New York Daily News says:

The tipping point was when Mendes directed Winslet in “Revolutionary Road”. That movie “put a lot of stress on their marriage,” the friend said. “Kate came to regret making the movie with Sam. “They’ve been pretty much living separate lives since the end of the summer,” the friend said. “They realized some time ago that they were not a good fit. They were more like brother and sister.”

More like brother and sister, huh? Well, they are both from Reading – the incest capital of Berkshire. Actually, we just made that up. Reading isn’t the capital of anything. It’s rubbish.

Anyway, some have used the Winslet/ Mendes split to express fear for Sandra Bullock’s marriage, blaming the Curse Of The Oscars. Kate Winslet is just the latest in a long line actresses to split up with their partners after winning a Best Actress Oscar. Hillary Swank did. Julia Roberts did. Reese Witherspoon did. Halle Berry did. And now Kate Winslet has. Is it a coincidence that the Oscar itself is basically a big golden dildo? We think not.

Still, at least Kate Winslet and Sam Mendes’s split seems amicable enough, so it would probably make for a very boring film. Which means that Sam Mendes should totally direct it, and cast Kate Winslet as the lead. Why break the habit of a lifetime, eh?

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