Let’s be serious for a moment – if you were the parent of a child like Miley Cyrus, you’d be appalled.

Just think of the implications. If you were the father of a child like Miley Cyrus then you, by definition, would be just like Billy Ray Cyrus. And that doesn’t even bear thinking about, does it? You’d have to grow a girl’s haircut. And a funny little beard that makes your entire face look like a stripper’s vagina. It’d be horrible.

Oh, and you’d also be appalled because your child would end up being named as the worst celebrity influence of the year, just like Miley Cyrus has.

Sometimes it seems as if poor Miley Cyrus just can’t do anything right. She can’t take a simple photo of herself without accidentally drenching her T-shirt and then uploading the pictures to the internet. She can’t meet new people without offending roughly 60% of the world’s population. She can’t sing a happy little song at an awards show without grinding up against a pole like a dead-eyed lapdancer. She can’t make a film without it being so awful that just thinking about it makes us want to violently corkscrew our eyes out.

And maybe it’s her insistence on blundering into these awkward situations like a ghastly teenage cross between Mr Bean and Prince Phillip that has earmarked Miley Cyrus as the worst celebrity influence of 2009.

Apparently, according to an AOL survey of 9-15 year-olds, Miley Cyrus is such a dreadful influence that she even managed to push Britney Spears and Kanye West – people who have spent the year either baring their vagina onstage or grossly disappointing their dead mother – into second and third place respectively. Phil Spector didn’t even get a look-in, and he murdered a woman’s face off. That’s how much of a bad influence Miley Cyrus is. What a turd. Reuters reports:

“I think Miley is in an interesting space where she is trying to graduate from being ‘Hannah Montana’ and a Disney channel celebrity and coming into her own and having a career beyond Disney,” said Stephanie Cohen, editor of JSYK.com. “I think her fans still want her to be the sweet Hannah Montana and she is trying to age up…Parents are definitely resisting it.”

This might come as bad news to Miley Cyrus – and worse news to the Disney executives who, upon hearing this news, presumably began to look for another grinning apple-faced teenage girl to buy and raise as their own – but she needs to remember that this is just another part of her natural progression. First came her fame as a childstar, and now Miley Cyrus needs to cut her ties and develop as an artist in her own right.

After all, if she doesn’t do that then she’ll never fulfil the third stage of her career plan – failing as an artist in her own right and spending the rest of her life punctuating her underperforming straight-to-DVD movies by crawling around the nightclubs of the world drunkenly belching “Don’t you know who I am?” into the face of disinterested strangers. And she does want that to happen, right?

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If you enjoy paying to see odd men repeatedly bellow about how brilliant they are for two full hours, we have bad news.

Kanye West has cancelled his tour. Kanye West and Lady Gaga were due to perform a tour across America this winter. But now, just a few weeks after he broke little Taylor Swift’s heart into pieces at the MTV VMAs, Kanye has decided to scrap the whole thing.

Yo Kanye, we’re really happy for you, we’re gonna let you finish but Michael Jackson had one of the best tour cancellations of all time. One of the BEST OF ALL TIME!

Poor old Kanye West. Nothing’s going right for him at the moment. When he wanted to express his opinion that Beyonce made a better music video than Taylor Swift, he ended up becoming a global hate figure. When he tried to apologise to Taylor Swift on his blog, he ended up just howling “BOOOYAAAAWWW!!!!” for no discernible reason. And then when he tried to apologise again on TV, he ended up getting his leg molested by a man with an obscene chin. Honestly, Kanye West can’t even get a haircut without some idiot carving berserk hieroglyphics into his scalp. No wonder he’s a mess.

During his molesto-leg appearance on TV, Kanye West revealed that he wanted to take some time off work and properly grieve for his mother, who died in 2007. And now it looks like he’s done exactly that. The big three-month Fame Kills tour of Canada and the US that Kanye West had been planning to start in November with Lady Gaga is now off for good. The New York Daily News reports:

Kanye West’s much-hyped “Fame Kills” tour with Lady Gaga has been canceled — with no reason as yet given. Despite the fact that a rep from Live Nation said Wednesday that the concerts were still a go … Nation announced Thursday they were pulling the plug on the tour. No explanation has been put forward — but the VMA backlash and Kanye’s upcoming criminal court date could have been factors.

We don’t know about you, but personally we think this is a real shame. Everyone had so much to gain from this tour – Kanye West could have proved to everyone that he wasn’t the monster the press is making him out to be, while Lady Gaga could have stood next to Kanye West and shown the world that she isn’t pop’s most insufferable moron after all.

And what about us? We were really looking forward to the tour, if only because it would have been funny when Kanye West inevitably shambled onstage eight hours late again and then wrote another deranged, genuinely terrifying blog post about it afterwards.

But still, let’s draw some positives from this. Hopefully Kanye West will be able to use his time off positively so that he can come back stronger than ever. By which we mean we hope he can figure out a way to interrupt the Queen of England during a speech while punching an endangered animal square in the face and roaring “BOOOYAAAAWWW!!!!” into the sky until he coughs up blood. Because, honestly, the day that Kanye West learns self-awareness is the day we’re out of a job.

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Bad times…

• ‘The Swizzle’ (put Road House on and remember Patrick Swayze in the worst at his best. “My way… or the highway”)
• Put this in front of any url (why? Because laughing at Kanye West is fun)
• Troy Kennedy Martin (died this week and he wrote the screenplay for The Italian Job, so that’s definitely earned him a mention)
• Keith Floyd (heart attack. Drink some wine and remember this guy too)
• Pirates of the Caribbean 4 actually sounds like it could be quite good (probably won’t be though)

• Kanye West (second Creased appearance this month for the mini-man even Diddy thinks is a pillock)
• Reece’s Pieces (like peanut M&M’s that have gone off)
• Serena Williams (nice controlled behaviour for the 28 year old veteran)
• Children swearing (is there ever a more disheartening sound?)
• Derren Brown… has become David Copperfield (“I’m an American”)

Rumours about what on Earth really caused the now infamous outburst at this year’s MTV Video Music Awards have started to surface.

You probably know what actually happened onstage by now. The show’s been playing on a loop ever since, alongside witty commentary pointing out that grown men making young girls weepy is a rather rubbish thing to do. Kanye West has had to apologise not once but twice for making himself look like a twit – such a twit that one capital-letter-laden apology on his blog was not quite enough to cover it.

Now that both long-winded apologies are over and done with the world can move on to the next controversy. Wait, what’s that? We can’t?

Why not? Well, today the Internet has done that bothersome thing it does at times. It has started a rumour about who was really to blame for the events onstage as Taylor Swift attempted to accept her first ever VMA.

The Internet and ‘they’ have a nasty habit of rubbing salt into the wound. If you ask me, and no one did, the Internet and ‘they’ should be smacked on the bum at best, and banished from Internet Land at worst for telling people “It’s Beyonce what done it”.

A handful of media outlets have started to quote from a source at the awards. The source says that the Beyonce+Taylor Swift+Kanye=Boom incident was a staged stunt that backfired. Specifically, our friends who aren’t really our friends but we wish they were our friends as they seem like they’d be fun to get a pint with MSNBC have a snippet of gossip on their entertainment section to that effect. The item is tucked away carefully between douche-tastic Jon Gosselin quotes and a photo of a pasty-looking Justin Timberlake – that is the best place to hide gossip you don’t think anyone is ever really going to read.

According to MSNBC - via a source – the VMA outburst may have been the idea of Beyonce. However, she was allegedly not expecting Kanye to ‘bring her name into it’.

Sounds like bollocks to us, but it won’t be long until similar conspiracy theories come to light.

From MSNBC:

Taylor Swift and Kanye West — what’s next? As for Beyonce: Though most agree the move to bring Swift onstage to resume her acceptance speech was a classy one, some have speculated whether it was Beyonce’s idea or one her management came up with. “It was all Beyonce’s idea. Kanye embarrassed her by bringing her name into it,” said a source with firsthand knowledge of the situation. “She wanted to make it right.”

In any case, despite her initial and understandable upset, Taylor Swift may profit from this many times over. That’s the trade-off when you’re ambushed by a drunken rapper in front of everyone on the planet who has no desire to get to sleep at a reasonable hour or who owns a TV license.

From the same article:

But for the producers of the world, the incident has opportunity written all over it. Several production companies are now in a race to get Swift onstage for their shows — awards shows and New Years’ Eve shows alike — either to do a duet of some sort with West or with Beyonce.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who is alarmingly delightful.

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Stuff you, Michael Jackson! The biggest news story of the year isn’t your death any more – it’s Kanye West and Taylor Swift.

Or at least that’s what they’d have you believe. Because even though it was basically just one idiot hurting another idiot’s feelings for a second, Kanye West and Taylor Swift are steadfastly refusing to shut up about the MTV VMA incident.

The latest news is that Kanye West has now personally apologised to Taylor Swift. And if that apology involved anything more than bellowing “BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!!” into a telephone, we’re going to be sorely disappointed.

Look, we mean this. Stop. Kanye West and Taylor Swift, just stop. We can see where this is going, and we don’t like it. We’ve analysed this situation, and the slow thawing of the relationship between the two of you since Kanye West shattered Taylor Swift’s self-esteem at the MTV VMAs can only lead to one thing. That’s right – a hip-hop/tween-country mash-up cover of Endless Love by Lionel Richie and Diana Ross. Aside from the middle eight – which would invariably involve Kanye West repeatedly shrieking the word “BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!!” over a banjo solo – it’s a terrible idea.

Kanye West has already shown that his actions at the MTV VMAs have affected him profoundly – he looked distraught during his televised apology, although that may have been because the memory of his dead mother had just been callously invoked by a man with a face like a mangled foot – and now he’s taken his apology to Taylor Swift personally.

Maybe this was sincere, or maybe it was because Taylor Swift had just appeared on The View to talk about the incident and Kanye knew that the last thing he needed was a shrill nimrod like Elisabeth Hasselbeck on his case as well. But, whatever the reason, Kanye West yesterday telephoned Taylor to give a heartfelt apology that, if we know Kanye, was mostly about himself and had too many exclamation marks in it. ABC reports:

Representatives from “The View” said West called Swift after her appearance on today’s show, and she accepted his apology. Swift later told ABC News Radio, “Kanye did call me and he was very sincere in his apology, and I accepted that apology.”

Thank heavens for that. Because we’ve seen situations like this unfold before and, if Taylor Swift chose not to accept Kanye West’s apology, then he’d be forced to apologise to country music community leaders before embarking on a month-long rehab program. And then he’d have to make a number of PSAs about the importance of not negatively comparing country singers to Beyonce on television when you’ve got what appears to be a medieval maze shaved into the side of your head. After all, this tactic worked for Mel Gibson and Isaiah Washington, didn’t it?

But still, at least now the war is over. All this fuss over 30 seconds of an MTV awards show. The world is full of big, important issues that need to be addressed, and this is what everyone decides to focus on? It makes us sick. At least now we’re freed up to concentrate on something a little more worthy of our time. Like, say, Kate Gosselin’s new haircut. Have you SEEN that thing?

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Kanye West has already apologised once for hopping onstage at the MTV VMAs and stamping on Taylor Swift’s heart.

But that’s not enough. Because, as we all know, an apology isn’t really an apology if it’s bellowed across the internet, peppered with several thousand exclamation marks and features the word ‘BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!!’ or any related forms thereof. Which is why Kanye West apologised again on TV last night.

If fact, Kanye West announced that because of his VMA behaviour, he’s going to “take some time off and analyse… how I’m going to improve”. So that’s the last we’ll see of him, then.

It’s hard to know who to side with over this whole Kanye West/ Taylor Swift MTV VMA thing, isn’t it? On one hand it was completely wrong of Kanye West to barge up onstage, rip the microphone out of Taylor Swift’s hands and tell her that she didn’t deserve to win because she wasn’t as good as Beyonce. Because, whichever way you look at it, he cruelly shot down Taylor’s big moment.

But on the other hand, Kanye West was sort of right about her video not being very good. Plus, right after he’d finished Taylor Swift sort of looked like somebody had punched a hole in her chest and, really, who doesn’t delight in the misery of others? Plus, Kanye West got to bust out the word ‘BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!!’ during his unfathomable internet apology to Taylor Swift. You know what? Looking at it like this, we actually think we’re on Kanye West’s side here.

It’s a shame that Kanye West isn’t, though. Thanks to a mixture of bad timing and a desperate need to make Jay Leno’s new show look less like the big bag of warmed-up sick that it actually is, Kanye West was last night made to atone for his actions.

But at least nobody got carried away. After all, nobody died. It was just a moment of oddness that raised the profile of everybody involved, and the incident should be treated as nothing more than a brief ephemeral curiosity that won’t really affect anyone’s life in the slightest.

Of course, when we say ‘nobody got carried away’ we meant nobody except for Jay Leno, who decided to ask Kanye West what his recently-dead mother would think about the incident. But at least Kanye West didn’t over-react. It’s not like he announced a temporary retirement from music just because he made a slightly annoying country singer a little bit sad for a couple of seconds, is it? Is it?

“I’m ashamed that my hurt caused someone else’s hurt. After this, I need to just take some time off and analyse how I’m going to make it through the rest of this life, how I’m going to improve, because I am a celebrity and that’s just something I’m going to have to deal with.”

Oh, it is. Nice job of keeping everything in proportion, chaps.

Incidentally, if Kanye West is looking for ways to improve, then we’ve got some advice for him – try to use the word BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!!’ a bit less. No, wait. More. Use it more. That’d be much better.

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Seriously, when will you people learn? It’s rule number one when it comes to organising awards shows, but you always ignore it.

Never invite Kanye West. That’s it. It’s a fundamental awards show rule. Invite Kanye West and he’ll invariably end up losing an award he assumed he’d win, shrieking indignantly about it for 30 minutes and then pooing in his pants on purpose while refusing to break eye contact with the camera. It always happens. Never invite Kanye West.

Just ask Taylor Swift, whose MTV VMA acceptance speech Kanye West obliterated last night because he thought she wasn’t very good.

Ahead of last night’s MTV VMAs, we were trying to predict where the obligatory outrage would stem from this year. The smart money was on host Russell Brand – who last year offended everyone by mocking virgins – once again ramming his foot into his mouth. Or maybe Britney Spears would stumble around in a bikini again. Or maybe there’d be another redneck punch-up over a funny-looking booby model.

But no. The answer was right under our nose all along. It was almost too obvious – Kanye West would behave like a self-regarding prick. Of course he would. That’s Kanye West’s bread and butter. Strip away all the grating egomania and what does that leave Kanye West with? A weird album that sounds like Johnny 5 self-harming and nothing else, that’s what.

So what form did Kanye West’s MTV VMAs exhibition of prickishness take? Was it that he didn’t win an award that he thought he deserved, again? Or that he didn’t get to perform at the exact point in the ceremony that he wanted to, again? No. It was because Taylor Swift won the MTV VMA award for Best Female Video and Beyonce didn’t. There’s video, although we’re legally obliged to point out that the following images may be disturbing for readers with an unusually low tolerance for profound awkwardness…

It’s the perfect video, isn’t it? Everything you could ever want, encapsulated into one perfect minute – Beyonce looking as if she genuinely wants to die, Kanye West realising three quarters of the way through his rant that maybe he’s coming off as a bit of a prick and, best of all, Taylor Swift’s utterly distraught face 57 seconds in. Like we said, perfect.

However, after being escorted from the ceremony, Kanye West had a change of heart and apologised to Taylor Swift the only way he knows how – with a hard-to-read, all-caps, over-punctuated blog that contains the word ‘Boooyaaawwww’. Look:

“I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!”

Oh Kanye West, we can’t stay mad at you. True, you might be an obnoxious, overbearing prick with a confused sense of your own importance and a craving for approval that’s actually quite pitiful to witness, but you know what would have happened if you hadn’t stormed the stage at the MTV VMAs last night? We’d have been forced to write about Taylor Swift’s winning video. Bleurgh.

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Naked and bare feet, naked and socks.

Folded:

• Batman: Arkham Asylum (most immersive game since GTA IV. If we did stars we’d give it five)
• Susan Sarandon for Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps (ni-ice)
• Buttery toilet rolls (screw recession, live like a Bright Young Thing – treat yo ass)
• Kirsten Dunst promotes this season’s radioactive bubblegum look (she should dress like this all the time)
• Christoph Waltz (see Inglourious Basterds and see what we mean)

Creased:

• E4 showing off about landing How I Met Your Mother (who hasn’t seen this show already? Still it’s probably the only U.S. comedy export the channel will show this year that hasn’t already been cancelled)
• Shia LaBeouf for Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps (obvious)
• Gmail goes offline (nobody notices)
• She Wolf by Shakira (she may be as cute as a button, but this song makes even the crazy contorting video too much to sit through)
• Kanye West (believing his own hype again. Bye-bye reality)

9 - News about a rather spiffy online comedy encyclopedia – Amygrindhouse

8 - Soap shaped like brass knuckles – we ask ‘why?’ – Geekologie

7 – The Smiths singing to kids at Kew Gardens never gets old: fact – Mychemicaltoilet

6 – Like hot beverages? Have the mental age of a toddler? Oh, you’re going to love these – Domesticsluttery

5 - Eight hot! New! TV! Shows! to look out for - Interestment

4 - Pink Vs Kanye West: The world’s worst feud is ON – PopEater

3 - A brief essay on films names that are difficult to pronounce - Shoutingatcows

2 - But what about the WAGs? Where do they like to go on holiday?  – Popsugar

1 - It’s another one of those literal music videos. Hooray…

9 – Some cover versions that are better than the originals – Interestment

8 - Who should play Sinatra in the new Scorsese film? Oh, these people – Bestweekever

7 - We wish Watchdog was more like this – Shoutingatcows

6 – Paris Hilton makes an actual documentary about herself. God knows why – Popsugar

5 – When magazines attack each other (it is quite funny) - Amygrindhouse

4 - Some woman from some TV show gets married or something – PopEater

3 - Here’s some news from the terrifying immediate future – Geekologie

2 - We’d imagine that this is how rich people go camping, the bastards – Domesticsluttery

1 - No idea about this whatsoever, other than than we want it with all our heart…

No really, it is. If you’ve read the Bible, you’ll remember the passage describing Jesus’s decision to make an album about how miserable he is with loads of Autotune on it. And we believe it was Mark 3:11 that went “And, lo, Jesus was charged with three misdemeanors for acting like a cock in an airport.”

And now Kanye West has been charged with three misdemeanors for that time he acted like a cock in an airport too. Oh, holy symmetry.

If you want to annoy a celebrity, your two best bets are to become either a member of the paparazzi or a large international airport. Both are Kryptonite to the famous. Become a photographer and one day you’ll find yourself being beaten up by Pierce Brosnan in a carpark; become an airport and there’s a strong likelihood you’ll wind up getting covered in David Hasselhoff’s urine.

But if you’re a photographer in an airport, then you’re really asking for trouble. Especially if Kanye West is around. This was ably proved last September thanks to that video of Kanye West apparently grabbing a paparazzo’s camera in a scrum of journalists and smashing it to the ground.

We don’t know exactly what happened prior to the bust-up, but we do know that it’s incredibly difficult to make Kanye West that angry – usually you’d need to not give him an award or be annoyed at the fact that his concert didn’t start for eight hours after it was supposed to. You know, something huge.

But whatever the cause of the incident, Kanye West is now paying the price – he’s just been charged for it. EW reports:

Kanye West has been charged with criminal misdemeanor battery, grand theft, and vandalism by Los Angeles city prosecutors for an incident stemming from an altercation with paparazzi last September. West was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport after allegedly breaking the flash of a photographer’s camera inside a terminal.

Worse still for Kanye West, if he’s convicted of these charges he faces up to two and a half years in jail. That sounds bad at first, until you remember that Kanye West literally thinks he’s Jesus and even Jesus had to spend 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness. True, Kanye would technically be spending 912 days and 912 nights being violently bummed by a psychologically-disturbed arsonist inside a little room that smells of wee, but Jesus wasn’t allowed to be picky you know.

Besides, regardless of whether or not Kanye West will be convicted, this whole affair is bound to be good for his creativity. After all, who doesn’t want to hear a concept triple-album all about how angry Kanye West got when he realised that the ink used to take his fingerprints hadn’t been heated to his specified level of comfort? That would be golden.

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Still, they’ve at least given us enough warning to book our rocket ship so we can picnic on the moon whilst watching the world implode. But if you can’t do this, what do you do?

Thankfully these religious nutjobs are always wrong and we survive another day whilst they scurry away to the local off license. Now a more high-profile idiot has emerged to literally put the fear into us all. Kanye West is convinced that God chose him. We’re not exactly sure for what, but if it’s for being a gimp, the choice was perfect.

When performing for the VH1 show Storytellers, Kanye said that he aimed to be ‘the best’. We can deal with this; he wants to plague us with hippity hop beats and rhymes all about digging for gold and other things that everyone in the world can relate to. But of course nothing is simple with this man and everything has to go one step further. He went on to say:

“God chose me. He made a path for me. I am God’s vessel.”

Erm…so does that mean that Kanye West is Jesus? A modern-day man who has been briefed and instructed to inject the word of God into every living man, woman and child? Maybe that’ll explain all of his strange behaviour that we’ve seen on planet earth. Perhaps God took control of his feet and forced him to wreck Justice’s speech when they whooped his ass at an awards show ceremony.

It’s also interesting to work out what sort of vessel Kanye will use in the future to deliver his messages to us. As most of us know, Noah was asked to build a big ark so all the animals in the world could survive when it lashed it down with rain. That’s been done now. The major players at The Vatican will simply laugh themselves out of their dresses if Kanye rolls up with a tricked out Ark.

He has to get original and creative fast. Flicking back through The Bible we do have a few suggestions to help him out. We don’t like to see a brother in peril. The most religious fruit you can get is the apple. Or if you’re a raging drunk, the grape which make lovely wine. The apple is what screwed over Adam & Eve, so perhaps he can make a giant Granny Smith out of timber to roll in.

If apples aren’t his game then what about a giant fish? It’s a symbol of Christianity and goes down well with a few chips and mushy peas on a Friday night. Seeing a giant cod or salmon flapping down the street would defiantly get our attention.

Whilst we failed our GCSE exam in sticking bits of wood together, we can help put on one of his other problems. Kanye also said his ‘greatest pain’ in life was that he will never be able to see himself perform live. That one’s easy Kanye.

We have things called DVD recorders. The next time you play a gig somewhere and its broadcast on the TV, we promise to record it and send it you. Bingo, instant disciple status.

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9 - The credit crunch is even hitting creepy old permanently-aroused men. For shame – Time

8 – Hey, look, here’s Kanye West making NO SENSE WHATSOEVER - Hiphopcrunch

7 - The world’s most famous shoe gets a statue – Newyorkdailynews

6 - What? You want a list of good guitar solos? OK, old man – Guitarworld

5 - Because, seriously, this is what the kids are all doing these days – Telegraph

4 – Stephen Colbert interviews a stoned old lady - Comedycentral

3 - Join the army - I Am Bored

2 - 10 weird sexual anomalies. We have one of them, but we won’t say which – Theirtoys

1 - Google Maps killed Bambi – Gizmodo

Did Kanye sip his lemonade without any problems whilst sitting in the corner of the VIP area? Don’t be daft, something went tits up of course.

It seems that Kanye West has a recurring problems with people who like to take people’s pictures. Granted they may get in the way and stop you from doing day-to-day activities such as getting some milk and waiting for a plane, but never mind. In the Tup Tup Palace nightclub – a place that doesn’t exactly scream class – a member of the paparazzi elite got to close to Kanye and ended up getting his face busted up. Was it Kanye’s fault? Of course not, and he’s explained why in a (nother) big pissy blog rant.

We all remember Kanye West getting a bit angry and throwing a Hulk-like strop in an airport a few months ago. Sadly he didn’t turn green and grow into an enormous beast, but instead smashed up a camera and then attempted to do the same to someone filming the whole incident. Silly Kanye. In Newcastle the same thing appeared to have happened again where Kanye West + paparazzi = rubbish fight and pointless conflict.

Thrown into the cells for a night to talk to the local heroin addicts, Kanye West emerged with no charge and sadly won’t have to turn up to Newcastle magistrates court for a hearing and a fine of £30. Not letting the incident lie, he of course had a big cry about the event for his minions to read. No doubt they will side with Kanye and spit at all the haters who diss their homeboy.

Choice quotes from his blog include:

“Let us not forget the paps killed Princess Diana. When will there be a law passed that simply enforces that someone has to ask to take a photograph of you? That would seem like common courtesy. Right now the paps are above the law and the people they shoot are below it.”

“I put my hand up to the camera in self-defence! Here’s what happened…when I left the club, I was encountered by a thirsty paparazzi as usual. He felt he had more rights to my space than me, so I put my hand up to prevent him from taking my image.”

“I didn’t assault him but merely putting my hand up to cover his lens. My security yelled, ‘get the camera off him’. I guess in all the commotion the camera scraped his nose.”

Ok – A) If the photographer was thirsty, why didn’t Kanye West offer him a rum and coke or a good old English pint of imported lager? B) Only Elton John can bang on about Princess Diana. It’s the law. C) Of course he didn’t assault any photographers. Kanye said so.

With this incident happening in Newcastle, it will no doubt go down in Geordie folklaw as one of the major things to have happened in the city alongside inventing Newcastle Brown Ale, Stottie bread, getting electricity a few years ago and finally converting from horse and cart to automobile.

9 – Hey, watching Same Difference’s new video is like grappling with a Haribo hangover after all – Popjustice

8 - Every song Kanye West will ever write, leaked on the internet – Pitchfork

7 – Jodie Marsh makes a joke about John Prescott, but everyone gags anyway – Holymoly

6 - Outnumbered, the most underrated British sitcom of the last decade, is back tomorrow. Celebrate with this interview – TVscoop

5 – That kid from the cover of Nevermind? Guess what the only thing he ever talks about it is - AV Club

4 - Thanks David Fincher. We really want to go and see Benjamin Button now – Hotblog

3 – It’s been about two months. You don’t recognise these people, do you? – Popsugar

2 - Why not download every single sound effect ever made? – Soundsnap

1 - A freaky, freaky, awful picture of a woman that you honestly shouldn’t look at – Best Week Ever