Kanye West is not a talented rapper. Sure, he’s great at getting heard, getting famous and coming up with mad-schemes to stay in the limelight, but he’s rapping… let us just say he’s a slower wordsmith than Turbo B from Snap!

Still, an attention-seeker always gets attention.

And it appears that he’s always been like that, as a video has emerged online of Kanye performing a poem when he was a little biddy 12 year old. Wanna see it?

The footage shows Yeezy reciting ‘His Name Means Love’, a poem dedicated to Martin Luther King Jr, who would have been 83 yesterday.

It seems the video was posted online by one of his old classmates at Vanderpoel Elementary School in Chicago.

Oddly enough, if appears that ‘Ye had more stage-presence and authority back in 1990 than he does now. He certainly sounds more convincing with the mic at 12 than he does these days.

Well, you would put your back into it if it was MLK, wouldn’t you?

Anyway, enough chat. Watch this video now and wonder where it all went wrong.

It’s been such a difficult few weeks for poor Kim Kardashian. First her loving marriage breaks down in a record 72 days and had to deal with everyone and their petit chien saying that the marriage was a sham. Then her clothing line gets slated by lamb loving, angry at seal clubbing, children’s rights groups because they are supposed to be made in Chinese sweat shops.

And now it seems that Kimmy Kardash has been fiddling with someone else’s willy and balls while she was seeing Reggie Bush. It isn’t just any old two bit estate agent (or “realtor” as those crazy Yanks call them) though. Oh no, it’s douche-cock extraordinaire Kanye West isn’t it?

Get those smelling salts out.

Ultra-alopecia and ex-Kanye sex sufferer Amber Rose has came forward and told everyone who’d listen that while Kimothy Klux Kardashian was seeing NFL star or something, Reggie Bush, she was also seeing West, while they were dating.

“She’s a homewrecker! They were both cheating. They were both cheating on me and Reggie with each other. She was sending pictures, and I was like, “Kim, just stop. Don’t be that person”"

That’s what Rose told almost everyone before waxing lyrical about her new love, who we don’t care about.

Now, this isn’t going to make much of an impact on the reputation of the Kris Jenner Sex Worker Sect, there’s still other members of the family to be flaunted.

Maybe Jenner could get Khloe to have an affair with Prince William (alas, with Kanye in the fray and rumours of Kobe Bryant getting salivated over, she really does seems to be only choosing people who have names that begin with K) or use Kim’s arse as advertising space for Pepsi, they’ve clearly got as much self-respect as cockroaches.

And just like cockroaches, it’ll be the Kardashians who come out on top after the Apocalypse, flaunting radiation burns and cholera as the new fashion, while taking their pick of the mutated.

Who’ll probably still be much better in bed than that Kanye West.

Every artist on the planet is a shameless thief. They’re all magpies, walking around and taking whatever they want without a care in the world. And that’s fine, because that’s always been the case and everyone loves music, film or whatever.

However, what no-one likes is a pointless snitch. Someone who yells ‘HEY! I had that idea before that other, more famous person had that very common notion! I think I’ll sue!‘

And the latest rapsnitch is some buffoon called Vincent Rogers who has tried to sue Kanye West over his song, ‘Stronger’.

Vincent has said that ‘Ye plagiarised one of his songs. Basically, Rogers is claiming that he came up with the idea of being stronger. That’s what it looks like from here anyway.

However, West was keen to point out that he wasn’t stealing from some guy no-one has heard of, but rather, stealing from someone massively famous – Friedrich Nietzsche. In particular, Kanye looked at the German philosopher’s quote:

“That which does not kill us make stronger”.

Yes Kanye. We get it. You’re into really high-brow stuff these days. It’s okay. You don’t have to impress us with your poetry and philosophy 101 books on your Kindle anymore.

West was originally sued in 2010 because Mr No-One Has Heard Of You alleged that he gave a copy of his track to Kanye’s manager, John Monopoly, who passed it onto West.

A federal judge, weary of timewasters, dismissed the claim earlier in the year, but the whole thing just isn’t going away.

West’s lawyer, Carrie Hall said:

“It would create a dangerously low threshold for establishing copyright protection over otherwise commonplace words and phrases”.

Next week: Unknown rapper sues Earth because sunshine was his idea.

Kanye West is a man so needy that it actually makes the planet we stand on wince. That said, it is kinda fun to have this celebrity waltzing around with ideas that he’s the next Picasso rather than the standard fodder of self aggrandising rapper from the streets chat.

As such, Kanye is always keen to point out to everyone that he does things a little different. He’s a real curate’s egg of a man.

And he took himself down to by With The People and protestors at the Occupy Wall Street movement in New York City this week. And there, he showcased the classic ‘I’m not doing any interviews, to promote myself’ thing.

Ye strolled up with Russell Simmons (Def Jam founder, if you didn’t know) and must’ve thought how wonderful it was for him to be there. A musician with a conscience. Like Joan Baez. Like Bono. Those saintly guys. But he’s a rapper. A global brand with a heart.

How splendid it must be to feel that in your soul… and believe it.

And so, surrounded by the great-unwashed with their dreadlocks and signs, Kanye did what any smart musician would do an kept his mouth firmly shut (for once).

It appears that West didn’t want to get into the tricky topics surrounding the world’s finances for fear of looking stupid. Let us not forget that his diamond encrusted gob has got him into trouble in the past. Remember when he said that George Dubya Bush hated black people? Remember that?

And so, as this video shows, he basically just stands there, looking gormless. Whaddaguy!

And after he’d finished protesting against Wall Street bailouts to financial greed, what did the gold-grilled Kanye do? Why, he did what any right-minded protester who hates all that unshared wealth would do!

He attended the ‘CULO by Mazzucco’ book and art exhibition launch after-party held at NYC’s Darby Restaurant and slurped Beau Joie champagne where he talked about his exclusive fashion line that he’s launching in Paris.

Shall we all join together in a solidarity fist?

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Filth. Absolute filth. That’s what today’s celebrities are. You wouldn’t get old, classy celebrities like Marilyn Monroe posing naked for photographs would you? Certainly not. She had self-respect.

However, thanks to the wonderful technological advances of mobile phones and those cameras they’ve got built into them, we are now a planet of people capturing their nether-regions and sending them to other humans.

Celebs are no different… apart from the small fact that people want to hack into their phones and share them with the world. So which leaked celebrity n00dz are the best? Click over the jump where it is astonishingly NSFW.

You can’t move for naked celebrities, leaked or otherwise. The advent of the sex tape has added a whole other element to the voyeuristic nature of watching the lives of famous people.

For the first time, it feels like we can peer behind their bedroom doors and watch them at it. Even Sally from Home And Away has been caught out bumping uglies on a very noisy waterbed.

However, we need to place some kind of arbitrary importance on these photographs because, lets face it, some people get private images leaked and after we’ve stopped gawping at their flesh, we wonder who the hell they are.

And so, here are the 12 most ‘important’ or ‘best’ leaked celebrity photos.

And no, thanks to the British law, we haven’t included Dappy from N Dubz, although if you want to look at his long, thin member, we’re pretty sure you can find it online easily enough.

Renee Olstead

You may not have heard of Renee Olstead, but she’s a singer and actress. She makes this list because she’s the first celebrity to actually put a little effort into her nudey snaps. Leaked last March, Olstead went from being a kinda-nobody to a woman who everyone admired, albeit briefly. You can see her VERY NSFW snaps here.

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton had her phone hacked and pretty much invented the notion of a sleb becoming famous on the back of leaked photos… and of course, videos.

Ke$ha

Possibly the first time in history when pictures leaked of a celebrity and everyone actively wished they hadn’t seen them. Ke$ha appeared covered in someone’s love-gravy and everyone felt a little nauseous.

Hayley Williams

There’s something about rappers, RnB and pop singers that make you assume they’re dirty swine. However, delicate emo flowers like Paramore singer Hayley Williams was a little more surprising when she “accidentally tweeted” her boobies to everyone.

Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera went from being unattainably famous to a National Anthem forgetting, nude drunk in the space of a week. Here’s one of the leaked pictures.

Vanessa Hudgens

Vanessa Hudgens, star of High School Musical, became the classic ‘teen star’ who was sullied by having a life outside the squeaky-clean bubble of Disney. There’s a naked video floating around which allegedly features Hudgens too. Happy hunting.

Chris Brown

Chris Brown is one of the few celebrities who was reportedly unfazed by the leaking of naked photos of him. This is either because he’s got a big appendage or he’s unable to form a sense of shame, as shown when he continually forgot to show remorse for smacking Rihanna in the face.

Rihanna

Speaking of Rihanna, she had naked photographs leaked too. Did they contribute to the incident with Chris Brown? Rumours suggest as such, not that you lot care.

Kanye West

Apparently, Kanye was always sending pictures of himself to the ladies before he became gigantically famous. And here he is, showing of his Monster.

Miley Cyrus

Miley was only of interest to pre-teens, but then, after the leaking of some pictures, she transformed into an actual celebrity. Sure, no-one really knows what she does anymore, but these pictures helped to propel her career onward, rather than sideways. Daft pout though.

Ashely Greene

You know Ashley Greene right? She’s in the Twilight films. In 2009, we all ended up seeing more of her than she probably imagined.

Scarlett Johansson

The most famous of the lot, Scarlett Johansson managed to melt the entire internet when her boobies broke free. Jessica Alba must be absolutely thrilled because there was a vague hint of self-shot nudity dithering around the web, but ScarJo completely obliterate her and got hecklerspray lots and lots of traffic. Thanks.

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Argghhh! Panic! The festival industry is dying! Run for the hills (well, the cities)! So, then Big Chill- what are you about? Should we be impressed or not?

You’re run by Festival Republic who really aren’t the leftwing revolutionary group that your name would like us to infer, but your line-up isn’t exactly the warmed up Radio 1 tedium soup of V.

If our weekend was anything to go by, it’s where the kind of punters who used to frequent Glastonbury now like to er.. chill.

They may be from a different generation but the crowd at Big Chill are the same friendly, tasteful and, importantly, hedonistic crowd that Eavis used to woo. Imagine a Glastonbury where it’s small enough that parents can walk with the children from the kids’ area to see a band in the arena without three days worth of rations and survival training.

Those without children can party hard into the early hours, relaxed in the knowledge that the friendly security staff are there for your actual safety and not to police you to ensure your ‘safety’.

Okay, so the organisers seem to have taken a gamble and splashed out on Kanye West at the expense of interesting mid-level main stage acts but in doing so, they may have sold enough tickets to ensure its future.

Hecklerspray spent most of the time enjoying dubstep and drum and bass into the early hours although our favourite DJ set of the weekend was Alex Metric and his selection of electro house in the Bacardi Tent.

We’re embarrassed to say that we didn’t see as many of the live acts as we normally do. Fine by us since we got our kicks regardless, but it might make the review a little less interesting. Don’t worry, we’re not going to review the DJs.

Friday’s main stage boasted Empire of the Sun purveying us with their psychedelic pop to a visual feast that matched the admirably pretentious noise they make. Whilst they garnered hyperbole from many quarters with their debut album, like their psych-pop brethren MGMT we thought it was filler with some hidden gems. Looking absurdly out of place and over the top on a stage in Herefordshire however they make total sense. Perhaps a revisit to the album is in order?

It seems obvious to point out how good the Chemical Brothers are live these days. Although to be honest we don’t think anyone could balls up if they had (a) their back catalogue (b) a field full of people ready for a party. You do the math(s).

The first act we caught on the Saturday was Janelle Monae, whose album is easier to admire than love on account of it not sounding like anyone else. Shut up, idiot reviewer and sum it up in one of those pithy hack metaphors you lot love! Okay- if Andre 3000 had kept R & B in a cellar from 1981 to 2004, not allowed it to hear the radio during that time but had instead just continuously humped its leg like a horny puppy, it would sound like Janelle Monae. Except the bit about leg humping, but it’s the sort of thing he’d probably do. And it’s definitely something he’d pull off. Live, it all just sounded like the sort of thing that gets Jools Holland aroused.

As soon as Jessie J starts, a cavernous generation gap cracks open through the field. 500 cool teenagers (and about 100 uncool adults) stand on one side swearing at us and quoting internet memes that we don’t understand. On our side it’s just us, trying to decapitate them with records made by people with lesser voices who make genuinely great pop music.

We’re sure Kanye West has good reason for being thirty minutes late, but that doesn’t make it seem any less inevitable. We would like to think he was somewhere nearby and could hear the the cries of “do you like fishsticks?” but suspect he was probably having a pedicure whilst lying on a bed of velvet-skinned eunuchs or whatever it is that the mega-rich do these days.

His current stage show consists of various dancers running around a white stage whilst he plays songs whose lyrical content can be summed up as “I’m a genius/No I’m a douche” and “You bitch, you betrayed me/to be fair it was all my fault”. Luckily, portraying himself in two dimensions with interesting, if clumsy, lyrics to faultless production, is a hell of a lot more interesting than so many of his peers portraying themselves in one dimension with predictable, if well structured, lyrics to average production. This being the case, why are we not feeling it? Is this not the man that delivered arguably the best album of last year? Why do we feel like we’re watching a good performance on TV, hard to find fault with but ultimately uninvolving? The answer is presence. Kanye is a studio nerd, not a rock star. All that awkwardness that makes him so fascinating in his songs has the opposite effect on a stage. He’s not poor as such but as international superstar Kanye West, we have a certain expectations.

Oh well, we’re sure if he reads this, he’ll take it well- we hear he’s good with criticism.

He also has the worst finale of any set we’ve witnessed. After a daft dedication to a series of dead people (McQueen, Winehouse and Jackson if you’re interested), he played half of two Amy Winehouse songs. Not performed, just played the original versions over the loudspeakers. Say what you want about Elton John, but at least he thought the corpse du jour deserved the effort of singing.

Besides, if we have to hear someone else’s records can he not just leave, and let 2ManyDJs start on time? Eventually the Belgian Soulwaxers arrive and play a typically astonishing set, with songs they’ve remixed for maximum power and with specific visuals. The two guys next to us sum it up best-

“Are we watching two men who have come from Belgium just to press play on a mix CD?”

“Shut up and keep dancing, it’s still awesome and shits on Kanye West”.

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Beyonce is pregnant. That’s great isn’t it? Unless you’d hoped that B and Jay Z were going to adopt you in some way. She’s 3 months gone! Wow. Wait. That means she was having sex when when Osama bin Laden got killed or Ratko Mladi? got arrested for genocide and war crimes.

It seems justice, death and open war-graves turn Beyonce on. Crikey.

While everyone koochy coos about this new baby, Kanye West is shouting “FIRST” in the comments, saying that he’s already decided that he’s going to be the godfather of this baby, regardless of what anyone else says.

It goes without saying that Kanye wants to play a significant role in the baby’s life. He wants to play a significant role in absolutely everyone’s life.

He isn’t needy at all.

And some source says:

“Kanye is as excited about the baby as Beyoncé and Jay-Z. He’s been saying he’s going to be godfather and is absolutely chuffed. It will be a huge honour for him.”

Chuffed? With that use of British slang, we can’t imagine that the source is particularly close to Kanye can we?

Either way, this source is incredibly likely to be close to be close to the mark. You can easily imagine ‘Ye wobbling around with his golden teeth and spectacularly fragile ego, staring people right in the eyeball, shouting “Imma gonna take care of this child! Imma gonna be the best godfather the world ever saw!”

Sadly, if this is the case, this poor little sod won’t ever get the chance to finish a sentence without Uncle Kanye barging in.

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Do you leave tips in restaurants? If there’s a few of you, you all chuck a quid in each because that seems about right? Well, you’re nothing but a sickening tightwad because, when Jay Z leaves a tip, he really leaves a tip.

We’re not talking about a tip like “condoms make excellent fingerprint disguisers if you’re robbing a chemist” or anything like that.

We’re talking about Jigga going to some place and leaving them with a $50,000. Tell that to Mr Pink from Reservoir Dogs.

It’s fair to say that Jay has a bit of money to throw around. This tip came on the back of him spending a buttock tightening $250,000 on champagne at the launch party for his and Kanye West’s new (pretty lousy) album, Watch The Throne.

After some time off, it seems rappers are back in the game when it comes to vulgar displays of wealth. Christ knows what will happen with our Premier League footballers now, ever eager to copy their hip hop idols.

J-Hova wasn’t done there. He also produced $95,000 from his gold plated throat to pay for a 15 litre bottle of Armand de Brignac’s special Ace of Spades bubbly.

A witness said:

“It takes two people to serve the champagne due to the size and weight of the bottle!”

Another onlooker spat:

“I WANTED A PEAR CIDER Y’PRICK!”

Previously, Johnny Depp wowed everyone by leaving a $1,150 tip somewhere, while Jessica Simpson left a $300 tip for the $500 bill at a New York restaurant.

But Jiggaman has made them look like heartless bastards.

Kanye West and Jay Z have got together to make supreme ego project, Watch The Throne. The first single taken from it is called ‘Otis’. Is that something to do with the people who make shopping centre escalators?

Of course it isn’t. That’s a stupid notion. But well done if you’ve ever noticed that mall escalators are made by a company called Otis. You’re as sad as we are.

No, this new track is called ‘Otis’ because it leans heavily on a sample taken from Otis Redding’s most famous track, ‘Try A Little Tenderness’. A little too heavily if you ask us. But what is the video like? Well, lets pull it to pieces shall we?

While the new release has broken all kindsa records, there’s a palpable sense that this won’t be remembered as a classic in years to come. Of course, the duo have their own impressive back catalogues to contend with, and more importantly, who cares what jerk-off critics like us think of such things, right?

However, there was a certain amount of confusion surrounding the lead track when it was announced.

See, we weren’t listening properly and were convinced that Jay and ‘Ye had decided to remake forgotten ’80s cartoon, Ovid Video when we heard that there was going to be an ‘Otis’ video.

Looking at the cartoon in question, we’re not sure that even J Hova could make this tune cool.

No, instead, we’ve been treated to this impressively dull promotional video which shows our protagonists… well… not really doing anything at all.

First off, we see Jay and West approaching an expensive looking car with some implements of death. These are the kind of things you would want someone to throw in your underpants. Meanwhile, a team of Top Gear Stig’s look on nervously, hoping that the tools will be taken to the body of the car, rather than an ad-hoc circumcision.

Mercifully for the Stig balls, the video quickly turns into awful Sunday afternoon show, Scrapheap Challenge. And bit of car are cut up despite there being nothing noticeably wrong with it.

An the tinkering with a perfectly good car continue, for reasons unclear. It seems like such a daft waste of cash, given that we’re in a dreadful financial predicament. The folly of rich men is laid bare, much like the track itself.

And so, from the kind of car a managing director might drive… to this. Mad Max meets the DeLorean from Back To The Future. A fire breathing daftmobile which is insanely impractical. How are you going to get the shopping in that? It looks too wide for a drive-thru as well. They really hadn’t thought this through had they? Silly celebrities.

And here they are, stood before the Stars ‘n’ Stripes. It’s the American dream. The ability to confidently throw your money around like it’s going out of fashion! What could possibly go wrong?

See? Look how much fun they’re having! They can’t stop laughing! They’ve chopped a car up, made it shoot fire out of the back and everything couldn’t be more hilarious!

And how the girls in the back laugh too! Wait! Not one of them is Beyonce! And surely it isn’t safe to have a unsafe road vehicle that breathes fire tearing up the place with four girls sat in the back with no seatbelts on. This is the kind of reckless behaviour that kills people. And all they can do is laugh?

Ever the gentleman (despite the fact he’s in a car with a bunch of girls who aren’t his wife), Jay decided to walk alongside the monster car. Sadly, some bloke in a suit has decided to jump in, making the whole thing a mockery.

And so, our heroes leave the car completely for a nice pray. They pray that no-one gets hurt by this junkyard motor. They also pray that no-one can see straight through their forced bon homie.

Then they forget about all that health and safety nonsense and decide to laugh uproariously in their car again. Kanye can barely remember the death of his mother after a botched bout of plastic surgery! He’s got women behind him, laughing their legs off! This is the funniest car journey in history! They’re probably listening to the Ying Tong Song to make it even funnier! What japes!

Then they blow up some tiny boxes and go home for some Ovaltine, assured that they’ve had a very productive day. How splendid it must be to be able to polish such expensive turds.

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We feel sorry for Kanye West. He’s the only celebrity on Earth who gets any criticism of any sort. The rest of them are treated like Gods among men, while he is vilified and pilloried every time he opens his mouth.

Essentially, everyone is picking on him and he doesn’t like it. And he’s not taking it either! Nosiree! He’s got a microphone and worked out how to use it! YEAH!

And so, after comparing himself to Adolf Hitler at a UK festival, he’s now been ranting on a Norwegian stage about how he’s been demonised by the press. There’s a very good chance that the good people of Norway would’ve preferred him to actually perform some songs, especially after the tough month they’ve had, but there you go… ‘Ye is the only victim in the world at the moment. And sadly for West, this is all weighing on him so much that his legs gave way beneath him.

At his appearance at the Oya Festival in Oslo, Kanye once again decided to lash out at the press. The same press that pretty much gave him universally good reviews for his ‘Dark Twisted Fantasy’ LP.

He told the audience:

“It feels so good to come by here and rock y’all tonight. We come to make sure you all have a good time ‘cos so many bad things have happened. I’m so thankful to have my voice back and I want to thank everyone. (New album) Watch The Throne is number one in 23 countries with no press or promotion.”

So far, so typical of any gig.

“You know how I feel about the press. I hate the press. They try to take my s**t out of context. They try to demonise me, but it don’t matter because my fans are always here.”

Demonise? Take the rise out of you, yes… but actually demonise? He must be thinking of Michael Jackson. There’s a man who has been demonised. Not someone who gets fun poked at him for constantly playing the wounded wanker card all the time.

So instead of feeling sorry for him when he makes a boob, we can all point and laugh as he falls flat on his expensive ass on-stage.

Watch.

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On the back of Kanye West referring to himself as ‘Hitler’ over the weekend at a festival appearance, he’s stopped wanting to invade Poland for long enough to make a buncha tracks with Jay Z in a project called ‘Watch The Throne’.

Of course, Jay Z is an outrageous talent when on form, but alongside Kanye, there’s a strong chance that the combined egos could make for an incredibly self-satisfied release.

And the leak of a track from the forthcoming release suggests just that. ‘Lift Off’ has hit the web and features J-Hova’s singer wife Beyonce Knowles. And if you would like to hear it, then you need to click over the jump and press a button.

The album, which is out in the States today, features OFWGKTA’s Frank Ocean, late soul legend Otis Redding, Mr. Hudson, the also late Curtis Mayfield as well as Queen B.

Jay and Kanye will be touring the LP across North America, and presumably, if the album goes down well with the punters, they’ll bring the show to Europe.

However, initial tracks haven’t sounded great, compared to the high water mark of Jigga’s best work and indeed, the irritatingly good ‘Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy’ from West.

Anyway, you don’t care what we think. Here’s ‘Lift Off’. Have a listen and try and ignore that nagging voice that tells you that this sounds like an off-cut from Kanye’s last LP.

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Infant prancer, Justin Bieber, is to take a month off work, meaning that, by the time August is up, he will have taken half of his life off as a holiday, which is quite astonishing and welcome news to anyone who is in possession of at least one crude hearing receptacle on their head.

In fairness, Bieber has been working incredibly hard doing things like growing finger nails, developing his speech to such an extent that he can ask for his ‘din dins’, and we shouldn’t forget that he’s managed to scowl at women who want an abortion after they’ve been raped.

But what has a Baby Whisperer translated JB’s gurglings to mean? Apparently, it involves God. Could Bieber be leaving music to go where the real money is, by starting up a cult?

The foetal hitmaker has hired a series of superstars to collaborate with him on his upcoming record. He’s hanging around with some of music’s pillars of the community.

This includes Kanye West who made Taylor Swift cry and announced to the world that he’d fallen in love with a porn star, as well as Chris Brown who thought it might be okay to repeatedly punch Rihanna in the face over and over again ’til she looks like the offal bucket in a butchers.

Hanging around with these guys, Bieber hopes, is going to help him mature.

A Baby Whisperers informs us that Justin says:

“I’ve been working so hard, I’m taking a month off. It’s been great to just think and enjoy hanging out with my friends.”

And this is where God comes in.

“I’m still growing up, and when you’re working every day, you don’t really get a chance to figure out who you are. So with the time off, I’m able to think, pray and just kind of grow up.”

He’s going off for a nice pray to a false God, who, with any luck, will inform Bieber to set up a new religious so that his fans can become literal Beliebers, all ready to descend into the woods for a life of no abortions, hanging around with men who thrash women and a finer appreciation of porn stars, all destined to end in a firey death like David Koresh.

This could be brilliant and, with any luck, filmed in 3D like Bieber’s last film.

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Think of Kanye West and you’ll think “Gah! What an unbearable weapon he is!” That’s regardless of whether or not you like his music (in fairness, his last LP was great). However, there are Kanye apologists in the world… one of them distinctly Justin Bieber shaped.

Despite the fact Kanye compared himself to Jesus and made a massive boob of himself while interrupting Taylor Swift during her Grammy’s acceptance speech, then profusely apologising for it to the point where we all wished he’d sew his mouth shut, Bieber reckons that Kanye is a stand-up chap.

According to the stinking amniotic singing sensation, Kanye’s not actually ‘an asshole’ at all. That’s good news coming from a singer who thinks that women shouldn’t be allowed abortions, even if they’ve been raped. Everyone would like an endorsement from a little fella with those views, eh?

Anyway, Bieby Boo Bah told some magazine called XXL, which we assume is a rag dedicated to plus-wear elasticated trousers for the larger reader amongst you, that Kanye’s a ‘good guy’ and, worse still, that they’ve tag teamed to record some tunes together.

Kanye’s eyes turning into dollar signs at the mere mention of this gyrating cash calf.

Bieber said:

“Goo goo gah gah… gurgle gurgle… goo goo goo goo goo HA gagagagaga”

This translates as…

“I got to be in the studio with him and work with him and see how he works and talk to him and talk to him as a friend, and not like someone [in] business. He’s not really an asshole like everyone makes him out to be. I mean, he can, he can do bad things, but he’s really generally a good guy.”

JB added

‘Can someone help me wipe my bot-bot?’

No. Go away you wretched stain of a thing.

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Kanye West’s ex-gal Amber Rose is in all kinds of trouble at the moment after some very, very explicit pictures leaked online. They weren’t the only things leaking. The model has now been dropped by her bookers and Nicki Minaj might be pretty peeved too.

The images show Rose butt-naked apart from some expensive looking shoes and… well… y’know… sticking things inside her. This, of course, hasn’t gone down well at all with her employees.

But what’s Nicki Minaj got to do with anything? And yes. We have the pictures over the jump you filthy swine.

Rose says:

“The company that I was working with no longer wants to work with me because of these pics and that prevents me from getting money to take care of my family.

“”Its a messed up situation when someone so evil comes into ur life and tries to destroy it. I know I’m not the only girl in the world that has taken pics like that but they were very private. I’m sorry for letting my young Rosebuds down.”

If you haven’t seen the VERY GRAPHIC NSFW PICTURES (we did that in caps so you didn’t miss it), then our chums Holy Moly have the pictures, hoarding them like mucky uncles. Click here. Aaand we’ve lost all of our traffic. Fantastic.

It appears someone who worked for her is responsible.

“I trusted someone that worked 4 me & allowed them to use my laptop a million times, I caught this person sending my pics to themselves and I fired this person immediately Wiz & I & both of our families have known about this for 2 months now. We tried to prepare ourselves for this day.

Rose has had to deny that she was sending these photos to Nicki Minaj’s boyfriend. Apparently, Minaj has even caught the pair in a hotel room together! THE SCANDAL!

Rose is keen to point out that she didn’t send them to Minaj’s beau.

“These blogs do nothing but try to ruin ppls lives I DID NOT send pics to anyones boyfriend pls stop with the lies. Its so ridiculous… yall been doing this to me for 3 years now it shld be illegal to write fake stories about ppl the media never wants to see anyone happy.”

Not one of you heard that because you’re elsewhere, still looking at the pictures aren’t you?

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Rapping isn’t easy. Your average hip-hop track has an album’s worth of words, which across the whole of a hip-hop long player, is an astonishing amount of lyrics and themes to tackle. The best switch between styles, influenced by reggae toasters, jazz scats and some even invent their own envelope to push.

However, there’s a whole host of really rotten rappers out there who spit the prose in the most clunky, rhythmless manner. It’s pretty bad when you, a bona fide hip hop superstar, can be outrapped by The Anfield Rap.

No matter though! You would-be superstars of hip hop need not worry because we have a list of dreadful MCs to look at so you can learn from their mistakes. Avoid what they do, and you could be the next Tyler the Creator or Rakim!

But first thing’s first. How do you rap fast?

Well, nerd-hop superstar in the making, Watsky, has got together with a goat in SanFran and delivered a super quick advert for the Samsung SH100 in what may well be the fastest how-to guide ever made.

Basically, it’s a dinky device which is WiFi enabled, so you can snap and share your awful photographs really easily. Almost like a mobile phone.

So, here’s our nerd-hop star rapping really quickly about a camera. With a goat.

So, you’ve seen someone rapping really speedily. What about the slowest of the slow? Well, if you think we’ve missed any out, feel free to swear at us in disgust in the comments. Here’s our pantheon of lame.

Shaquille O’Neal

Shaq was under the illusion of greatness when he performed ‘I Know I Got Skillz’. That may well have been true on the basketball court, but on the mic… well… see for yourself.

Dee Dee Ramone

More ill-advised than Shaq was the Ramones’ Dee Dee who, under the name Dee Dee King, made one of the most hilariously awful rap records ever. Not only that, but his voice sounds less like an easy, rhythmical flow, but rather, Cartman in a headlock.

Kanye West

Kanye is a slow, slow rapper. This is underlined in this friendly freestyle battle with Mos Def. Watch Mos’ polite laugh and praise as Kanye trips over his ego and tongue repeatedly.

Mr T

Ah, Mr T. The archetypal bad rapper. Perhaps this is the worst tribute to mothers around the world, ever.

Turbo B

“I’m the lyrical Jesse James” cried Turbo B of Snap! Jesse James was shot in the head while dusting by a man with TB who topped himself in a tent. Mad skillz.

Chicago Bears’ Super Bowl Shuffle

Sports stars should rarely sing. This Chicago Bears rap is probably the worst of the bunch (only marginally pipping this atrocity from Basil Boli and Chris Waddle). Just kick back and drink all this in.

Nelly

He had a band-aid on his face. This signified that his brain was held together by sticking plasters, hence the rap prowess of someone on a ward, coming out of heavy sedation.

Soulja Boy

Perhaps the slowest rapper of them all and, mystifyingly, a gigantic success. Honestly, no offence intended, but he raps like Marlee Matlin.

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