Good news girls, the man of your dreams is back on the market! That’s right – Jessica Biel is single again!

Wait, that’s not right. We meant to say this: Good news boys, the girl of your dreams is back on the market! That’s right – Justin Timberlake is single again! No, wait, hang on. We’ve confused ourselves. Anyway, our point is this – Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have totally split up.

Except they haven’t. A magazine claimed that Justin Timberlake had left Jessica Biel for Rihanna, but apparently it was all a lie. And yet you’re still reading this. God, you’re weird.

You may have read yesterday that Justin Timberlake had split up with Jessica Biel, his girlfriend of three years. And if that news made you sad, we can empathise completely. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were one of our all-time favourite celebrity couples, in that they were hardly ever seen in public together and all the films either of them have made over the course of the last three years disappeared without trace almost instantly, meaning that we hardly even had to think about them. That’s just how we like our celebrities.

And the news that Justin Timberlake had left Jessica Biel for Rihanna just made it worse. This is for two main reasons – One, nobody wants a girlfriend who’s constantly jumpy because she thinks that Chris Brown is going to leap out of a bush and punch her in the face. And two, look at the figures – first Justin Timberlake went out with 37-year-old Cameron Diaz, then he went out with 27-year-old Jessica Biel, and then we’re told he’s going out with 21-year-old Rihanna. If this pattern holds then Justin Timberlake’s next girlfriend is going to be about 12, and that’d just be icky.

But relax, because yesterday’s report was all bollocks. According to ‘an insider’, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are as happy together as they’ve ever been. People reports:

“They’re together,” said an insider. “They’re not breaking up. Any time they spend time apart it’s because they’re working… Things have been a bit up in the air recently,” said the source. “They’ve been spending more time apart — more time with each of their friends, and they’ve been reevaluating [their relationship].”

See? Those reports didn’t mean that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have split up at all – it means they’re about to split up. Completely different.

We’ve certainly got our fingers crossed that Justin Timberlake decides to stick it out with Jessica Biel, because only then will our dream of seeing both of them star in a movie together be realised. It’d be great – the Gone With The Wind of our generation.

OK, the straight-to-DVD Gone With The Wind of our generation.

OK, the straight-to-DVD Gone With The Wind probably co-starring Christian Slater of our generation.

OK, the straight-to-DVD Gone With The Wind probably co-starring Christian Slater and a cartoon giraffe sidekick of our generation. Really, they don’t make very good films, do they?

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Could we have a moment’s silence for Jessica Biel? The struggle that woman has gone through. Honestly, it beggars belief.

What struggle are we talking about? Well, look at her. The poor wretch is beautiful. Do you know the endless misery that comes from having skin as clear and luminous as an angel’s teardrop? Can you understand the despair that you have to endure day after day just because both of your eyes point in the same direction? It’s a nightmare. A living nightmare.

And that’s why Jessica Biel deserves our sympathy – she’s been describing her horrifying plight to Allure.

Would someone mind ringing Bono for us? And probably that Geldof chap as well. There’s work to be done, you see. Forget Africa or global warming or any of that bollocks. There’s a charity concert to be arranged and an all-star single to be recorded for perhaps the biggest – and definitely the most harrowing – good cause out there. The Jessica Biel Is Too Pretty And It Makes Her Sad cause.

People, just £2 will buy a hammer that won’t just smash out the teeth of Jessica Biel to make her look more like a poverty-stricken homeless gypsy, but the teeth of several generations of genetically-blessed Biels. And just £4 will buy Jessica Biel a packet of discount shop-bought hair colourant that will turn her hideously ginger for three months. If you can afford it, £50 a week will provide Jessica Biel with the means to live off nothing but cake and frozen pizza to help her turn into the unsightly slob she so desperately aspires to be. Please, give whatever you can.

We’re being serious here. Being one of the world’s most desirable women has ruined Jessica Biel’s life. Yes, she may have millions of dollars and Justin Timberlake for a boyfriend and an acting career that she probably wouldn’t have if she had a face like a shoe with a bum sewn onto it, but has that made Jessica Biel happy? No. No it absolutely hasn’t.

You see, as a beautiful actress Jessica Biel should be landing high-profile, serious-minded, critically-acclaimed roles, like the sort that Natalie Portman or Scarlett Johansson get. But no, instead Jessica Biel is stuck doing terrible comedies and direct-to-DVD thrillers about strippers. Essentially what’s happened is Jessica Biel has ended up with Lindsay Lohan’s career. No wonder she’s so angry at her stupid gorgeous face and her idiot perky tits. Jessica told Allure:

“It really is a problem. I have to be blunt. If you don’t like the audition, then don’t hire me. But if you don’t even want to see me, that’s hurtful.”

Hang on a minute. Jessica Biel wants to be regarded in the same way as Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson? Oh, we get it – she wishes she had a part in The Other Boleyn Girl. Dear God, she’s beautiful and a bit dim too. This is worse than any of us could have possibly imagined!

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Breaking news: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are dating. Oh, wait, we already knew that.

The pair have been together for over two years, and in that entire time ol’ Timbo would have been more likely to have admitted to regular nose picking than to dating his foxy partner.

For the first time since he over-shared about his juvenile love with a pre-headshave Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake has opened up to the media about a girlfriend.

On the one hand, we should probably be glad that Justin makes a point, these days, never to speak at length with the media. Have you ever heard him talk?

While his voice is neither quite as falsetto as his musical squealings, nor is it as shrill as David Beckham’s… it is bloody annoying. So consumed is Justin, usually, with not letting out one single usable detail of his personal life, that he can come across as an unfathomable and really quite unbearable turd at times.

For example, (though the video has long been pulled down) one particularly tragic clip shows Justin eating lunch at a restaurant with Jessica. Justin becomes so distracted by a solo looming pap that even the fabulous food and endlessly patient partner sitting across from him are not enough to cool his temper. He storms out and goes toe-to-toe with the snapper, who is likely a lot smaller than the six-foot plus Justin.

He is on or around as polite in front of the camera, and to print and online media.

On the other hand, we love gossip. And Justin is very, very famous.

Where would the world be if it weren’t for the likes of (less fabulous than this) gossip sites, electronically stalking spoiled celebutards?

The world would become darker and life would lose all meaning if, at the click of a button, we were unable to chronicle important things like the adventures of Justin’s hair; from its rogue beginnings as a classy White-boy ‘fro to its yeti-like incarnation of the moment.

More importantly, details of whom the unfortunately nicknamed ‘Trousersnake’ happens to be sleeping with at any given moment are so pressing and so crucial that all world news and tales of the woeful economy be damned.

Justin may or may not have had a gun to his head/ his arm twisted behind his back/ been high, when he shared the following long-overdue tidbits with Hello magazine.

Q: Has it been difficult to keep you relationship as private as you might like?
“We do pretty much everything we want to do. Sometimes we get spotted by the paparazzi but usually we can find a quiet place to eat and no one will bother us. It can be distracting but you learn to keep walking and pay no attention.”

Q: Why is this relationship so special?
“We get along so well. The first thing we noticed when we started going out is how easily we made each other laugh. Sometimes when you meet someone it feels right from the beginning. She has a very engaging personality and we have a natural way of being together. I’m a lucky guy.”

Justin then went on to reveal that he was sorry for being kind of a douche in interviews, that tweens everywhere were “very welcome” for being allowed to bask and drool in his beardy presence and then he finished with the promise to quit music and stick to molesting grinding with female singers in their music videos instead, as it was tonnes more fun.

Or, perhaps he did not.

But, if you wish hard enough then maybe, just maybe, one of those things will come true!

Who wrote this? Why, Amy Grindhouse did. And you’d do well to remember that.

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They’ve decided that he is a snappier dressier than people like Gordon Brown and Dave, our local butcher. Who are they to save that bloodstained overalls ain’t happening threads to be popping?

There’s been zero activity on the solo front from Justin Timberlake of late, which means one of the following things: he’s either a) plotting more ropey collaborations with Madonna, b) locked away in the studio or c) trying to get *NSYNC back together. But that doesn’t matter for now! Because now he can officially wear his pants better than you.

The chance of Justin Timberlake shopping in your local branch of Primark or H&M is equivalent to the chance of seeing a real celebrity appear on Dancing On Ice. Still, we hope that one day we’ll see Justin throwing a strop in Top Man as he can’t find a pair of lime green comedy boxer shorts with electric blue stitching.

So what makes Justin better at wearing clothes then everyone else? Can he actually iron his jeans properly, or is it because he’s never mixed his soft and delicate items? We’re terrible for doing that. Instead, it’s because GQ says:

“The star was praised for his impact on fashion and “knack for targeting trends” such as hats, three-piece suits, skinny ties and beards.”

“Knack for targeting trends.” Um, shouldn’t that really say “wearing what my stylist tells me so I don’t end up looking like a tramp?” We particularly like his supposed use of facial fluff. Unless he can wire a set of neon lights through it that flash red when he’s angry and blue when he’s sad, we’ll always believe that the beard of Stuart Heritage was the best to ever grace a chin.

But if Justin Timberlake won the best-dressed award, who are the other nine nominees left shaking their fists for not coming first? The top ten was made up amongst others:

“Music producer Mark Ronson took the number two spot and photographer Alexi Lubomirski made third on the list. Rappers Kanye West and TI also featured alongside actor Jason Schwartzman.”

Because everything makes Kanye West angry we’ll no doubt see some sort of ranty blog in capital letters that will look something like this:

“WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOW YOU MEAN I AIN’T LOOKING FLY 365 DAYS A YEAR? YOU SEE THIS SHIRT I’M WEARING! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I PAY FOR THIS? THIS BE A ONE OF A KIND LIMITED EDITION ITEM THAT’S ENCRUSTED WITH PUBIC HAIR. WHERE MY PEOPLE AT? SUPPORT ME IN MY HOUR OF NEED.”

Pop down the local high street and it’ll no doubt be full of people copying the look of someone who’s trying to copy Michael Jackson. Sales of fake facial hair will no doubt rocket as everyone goes for a Timberlake look. The girls will love it.

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It. Was. Incredible. In front a crowd of thousands at Madonna’s Dodger Stadium concert, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake not only performed onstage together but – after three seconds in each other’s company – fell hopelessly in love again, instantly curing Britney of all her mental problems in the process.

Or Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake both avoided each other as much as humanly possible backstage, crawled onstage separately for one brief duet with Madonna each and then hightailed out of the stadium the moment they were done so they wouldn’t have to spend a second longer in the vicinity of each other than they had to. Still, anything that takes people’s minds off Madonna’s grotty undercrackers, eh?

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were so right for each other, weren’t they? If only they’d stuck together the world would have been spared so much heartache.

Imagine – Britney Spears wouldn’t have married Kevin Federline or had any of his children, so she’d have never had that breakdown where she locked one of the kids in a bathroom until she was taken to a psychiatric hospital and diagnosed as Gravely Disabled. Justin Timberlake would have literally stopped Britney Spears from going mad.

And, on the other hand, if Britney stuck with him, Justin Timberlake would have never made that Cry Me A River video, which was a bit shit. Everyone’s a winner.

So when it was announced yesterday that Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were reuniting for a Madonna Concert in Los Angeles last night, the world collectively gasped a little. Could they? Would they? Would we be seeing Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears bury the hatchet and perform together? Wouldn’t that be like the pop version of the Berlin Wall coming down? Wouldn’t it?

Well, yes, if you’re an idiot we suppose it would. Instead, though, E! Online reports what actually happened:

Spears, clad in black pants, a white tuxedo-style shirt and black heels, shared the spotlight with Madonna on “Human Nature”… Meanwhile, Madge’s erstwhile makeout partner skedaddled from the stage long before Timberlake appeared to duet with the belle of the ball on their Hard Candy tune “4 Minutes.” We hear that Spears, surrounded by bodyguards, immediately took off following Timberlake’s appearance.

So, OK, the big reunion that Ryan Seacrest was carping on about like a madman was a bit of a letdown. But at least it wasn’t all disappointment for Madonna’s audience – sure, the fabled Spears/ Timberlake performance didn’t materialise, but at least there were plenty of technical and lighting difficulties on the night.

So whatever else did or didn’t happen, at least they weren’t treated to constant Jumbotron images of Madonna’s grisly old genitals grinding up and down a microphone stand like footage from an old illegal 1950s documentary about meat production. Audience wins again!

Why? Because Madonna plans to have two very special guests performing with her – Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake. If Madonna pulls it off, it has the potential to be the messiest reunion in history – don’t forget that all three of them have had their tongue inside Britney Spears’ mouth at one point or another, with the possible exception of Britney Spears.

If you ask us, this reeks of publicity stunt. And not even a good one – if Madonna really wanted people to go to her show tonight she wouldn’t just stop at Justin Timberlake – she’d hire everyone Britney Spears has ever slept with. Britney and Justin? Pah. Britney and Justin and Kevin Federline and Adnan Ghalib and that guy Britney married for like half an hour? All voguing like their lives depended on it? Now we’re talking.

What do Madonna, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake have in common? Quite a lot, actually – they’re all successful popstars, for one. And they’re all keen on a spot of religious outrage – Madonna has pretended to be Jesus in the past, Britney Spears once seduced a priest on an album cover and Justin Timberlake is perhaps best known for his hit single I Did A Shit In A Bible.

Also, they’ve got a bit of a tricky history, sexually. Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears were a couple for a number of years, Madonna and Britney Spears kissed with tongues at an awards show and Justin Timberlake managed to keep his dinner down while watching Madonna grind about in a manky pair of knickers on the set of the Four Minutes video – the nearest a boy like him can be expected to get to having sex with gristley old Madonna these days.

And because of that, if Madonna, Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears ever got together, we’d expect the result to be completely unpleasant for all involved. Let’s just hope that never happens.

Actually, scrap that. It is happening. According to reports, Madonna has engineered a three-way reunion between her, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake at her concert at Dodger’s Stadium tonight. OK! reports:

On Wednesday afternoon, Ryan Seacrest called in to local radio station KIIS FM, and broke the news that both Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears will take the stage together with Madonna tomorrow night when she performs at Dodger Stadium as. “I couldn’t wait to tell you this,” Seacrest said. “If Justin and Britney end up on that stage with her [Madonna]… I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything quite like that before.”

Sounds good in principle, but we’re really just worried that the stress of the reunion will just bring out the worst in each performer. You know, Britney Spears could have a psychotic bald-headed relapse, Madonna could regress to her Body of Evidence days and – worst of all – Justin Timberlake could start thinking that he’s funnier than he actually is again. Gratuitous middle-aged nudity and harrowing mental trauma we can stand, but not an impromptu Timberlake stand-up set.

Also, let’s hope the promise of Madonna reuniting with both Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake is enough to get people to buy up the remaining tickets for tonight’s concert, otherwise Madonna will have to pull out another big reunion with someone from her past to make it even more exciting. And we’ve got a funny feeling that’d be Sandra Bernhard. Gree.

In the seventies you’d know the Jacksons as that annoying bunch of kids whose songs were more infectious then the Ebola virus, while the eighties and early nineties saw Michael Jackson pull away and gain success on his own.

Sadly MJ knackered things up towards the end of the nineties with “botched surgery” plaguing the Jackson name. Then at the turn of the millennium, things got worse as the tags “dodgy alleged child molester”, “rubber masked mo’ fo’” and “strange reality show contestant” were thrown around.

Whilst all the male members of the Jackson family were being beaten daily by their father to perform like dancing bears, poor Janet Jackson didn’t get a look in, with only Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon, Michael and Randy involved in the Jackson 5 set-up.

Sadly, she’d have to go alone at it, using her surname like the unfamous sibling of a celebrity does. Yes she released some songs, but they weren’t “omg wow amazing,” though getting her tit out at the Super Bowl XXXVIII show in February 2004 did help.

Employed to entertain a rabble of drunken Americans whilst they waited for a poor man’s rugby game to kick off again, Janet was joined by her mate Justin Timberlake. The song itself was doing little to entertain anyone watching, but the real fun didn’t kick in until the end when Timberlake messed around with Janet’s costume. Tearing open her top, he exposed her right breast. Dubbing it as a “wardrobe malfunction,” the two were in for a right telling off. It made Bubbles the monkey cry for God’s sake!

Because Americans are scared of seeing another human naked, the CBS network was fined $550,000 and forced to show all future Super Bowl events on a delay. You know, just incase Paul McCartney whips down his trousers and makes a daisy chain out of his pubes if he was ever asked to play at halftime.

Because Janet is running out of fresh, innovative ideas, she has had to resort to past glories like these for a money spinning opportunity. Her lingerie line Pleasure Principle – named after a song that no-one really knows about from 1987 – apparently aims to make women feel feminine and sexy. At least she’s not set out to make ladies look hairy, butch and transgender. Janet said:

“People have come to me with other ideas, but lingerie is a passion for me, and just like music and acting, I can’t do it unless I put 100% into it.”

It remains to be seen if there will be a super special bra which will have a unusual pad for you to rip off in order to get that Super Bowl feeling. Failing that, we’re sure that a life size cardboard cut out of Justin Timberlake complete with strange, shocked reaction-face will be provided so you can recreate the moment in your front room.

With Janet Jackson’s bra and knickers to be set rolling out of sweatshops imminently, we hope that Michael Jackson will bring out his own brand of face scarves to cover up any individual’s face. Failing that, at least a Dummies Guide To Avoiding Kiddy Fiddling Charges. Gary Glitter would have bought a copy three years ago.

That can be said for the first 15 episodes of X-Factor as we all wonder why a fat lass from Wigan who sounds like she’s singing through her nostril thinks she can win.

Some people, however, get past cocky comments from judges like Simon Cowell and go on to make a decent living, before descending in to the world of Big Issue selling – just give Leona Lewis another 18 months.

It was the great old days though, when manufactured singers were poached from the Mickey Mouse Club. Justin Timberlake and Christina Aguilera have both left the iron fist of Disney to lighten up our lives.

But no-one has done this more so than Britney Spears, whose early glittering career really has gone up shit creek without a paddle. Now, leaked video footage from a Las Vegas gig captures Britney’s “live vocal” not sounding too peachy.

Shock! Horror! Gasp! Panic! Noooooooooooo! Sometimes pop pickers, the people on stage don’t actually sing live. We know that may be a bitter pill to swallow, but we haven’t needed rehab treatment to console ourselves.

The usual excuse is that they have to mime due to performers not being able to dance and sing at the same time. We can usually cope fine with doing both – if dancing is classed as rolling around on the floor, that is. That would mean we were incredible – just check us out after a trip to the boozer.

Ebaumsworld.com claim to have the footage of Britney Spears performing in the days before she got all icky and pregnant, shaved off her hair, battered people with umbrellas and did the lesbian thing with Madonna.

Before the time that she turned out to be such a good influence on her sister Jamie-Lynn, who then decided to open up her legs and let underage loving commence. Aww, the beauty of child birth and magazine deals.

Recorded by a more than likely disgruntled soundman, this clip shows a shocking recording of Britney miming along to her songs. Because it was done in America, we assume that some moron will sue her now due to it not being live.

Listen/watch it here.

When Madonna took part in the inaugural In Bed With… she was on the eve of promoting her Blonde Ambition tour. Now she has a new gig to sell, ‘Hard Candy’, and another summer fighting off euthanasia to congratulate herself on.

Original director Alex Keshishian is due to return for the feature-length birthday update. He doesn’t work much these days so is presumably ecstatic at being able to move out of his parents’ house again.

A source close to someone close to Madonna told The London Paper:

It’s like an In Bed With Madonna but made for today. She leads an amazing, high-paced life now and Alex thought the time was right to do another documentary of her life and career.

Amazingly In Bed With Madonna remains the sixth highest grossing documentary of all time; amazing because it’s so boring they had to call it Truth or Dare in America to make it sound remotely saucy and amazing because it slots in just after March of the Penguins, which is similarly plodding but has Morgan Freeman doing voiceover and he is Jesus’s granddad.

Madonna has been a busy bee recently, updating her image from disco granny to curly ex-superstar with massive knockers, as seen in the Timberland produced 4 Minutes video alongside Justin Timberlake, who dribbles, gawping, as if he’s three months old and starving.

Also Mads has announced a new tour kicking off 23rd August at nursing homes around the world and last month won the adoption case to keep a Malawian baby she picked up in Duty Free. Next month Lameo magazine are instigating a competition with Angelina Jolie to see who can adopt the most kids in any country but here.

It’s not known whether Kevin Costner will make repeat appearance in Madonna’s beddy follow-up, spouting more gems like his infamous ‘neat’ first time around (she hated the comment; made her look neat).

If creaky Kev does show up he’ll no doubt have his own belated sequel to punt – Dances With My Zimmer Frame or maybe Robin Hood 2: Prince of Prescription Meds.

He and the former Miss Ciccone could have a chat on camera about the benefits of prune juice; that’ll be better than seeing Guy Richie wheeled into shot with his old Joanna for East End sing-along anyway.

Read More:

Madonna Plans Documentary Sequel – Female First

Somewhat ironically though, the news hasn’t brought a smile to Tom Cruise’s face, and his lawyers are believed to be looking into the matter. Who would have thought Tom Cruise x Weed = anything other than the most self-obsessed giggle fit in history?

According to the NY Daily News’ Rush & Molly column, the product is being marketed as ‘Tom Cruise Purple’, and one 'weed devotee' told them:

"I heard it's the kind of pot that makes you hallucinate."

Rumour has it there’s also a strain available called ‘Justin Timberlake Blue’, which makes you feel as if you are the sexiest, most talented person in the room, even if all else (i.e. face) suggests otherwise – this side of the shore it is known as ‘Jonny Borrell Blue’.

Then we have the Robbie Williams strain, which promises the greatest high of your life on the packaging, but in reality it leaves you with nothing more than the empty feeling you have given two hours of your life for absolutely nothing in return.

‘The Britney Spears Pink’ however, is a fucking mental high.

The column quotes one Cruise friend as finding the whole thing "outrageous”.

If by any chance you have been living with your head up your own or someone else’s asshole for the past few years, then you may be surprised to learn that Tom Cruise is a Scientologist, and quite a prominent one at that. And Scientologists are famed for opposing any kind of use of psychotropic drugs, as well as suing the knickers off any one who so much as farts in their general direction.

If you live in California and want to have one last laugh with Tom Cruise, then hurry up and buy, because it’s the best chance you’re ever gonna get to laugh ‘with’ him again.

Read More -  Medical high jinks leave Tom Cruise camp fuming – NY Daily News

We love watching that Kobe Byrant shoot touchdowns and that guy Jessica Simpson is dating do really bad at footballing stuff when she’s watching the match. But just once instead of the quarterback yelling plays we’d like him to yell "Blue, Shimmy-two! Blue, Shimmy-two!", and see the entire offensive line bust into some dancing, boy band-style.

Well, we may be in luck because Justin Timberlake is slated to host the 16th annual ESPY awards this year on ESPN. It was a tough decision for the folks at ESPN, but this year clearly wasn’t the right time Clay Aiken. Go, JT!

The ESPYs are an annual awards show on ESPN that honour the best in professional sports over the past year. Last year LeBron James and Jimmy Kimmel hosted. LeBron James was obviously chosen for his athletic prowess, which made sense on the professional athlete side, and Jimmy Kimmel known for his fat man gut and beer-drinking prowess on the sports fan side. And who do they hire to host this year? Justin Timberlake. A spindly blonde guy that dances for a living and sings songs like Cry Me A River, which makes sense on no side.   

You may know Justin Timberlake from his hit song SexyBack (also known under the alternative title Bringing My Own Faux Sense of Appeal Back) but he’s also all over the hosting circuit. A regular at the Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards, Justin recently inducted Madonkey, er, Madonna into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The man’s a hosting machine! But the ESPYs? That’s all a bit manly. Justin Timberlake doesn’t strike us as manliest man in the room. In fact, Justin Timberlake isn’t even the manliest man in a room full of WNBA players.

So what qualifies Justin Timberlake to be the host of an awards show for professional athletes? He’s a sports fan. No, no. Make that a sports junkie. Let's let Justin speak for himself:

“I’m very excited to be hosting the 16th edition of The ESPYs. I can’t wait for the day of the show as I’m truly a sports junkie. Since the last ESPYs, there have been amazing moments in sports and I’m looking forward to recapping all of them with ESPN’s diehard fans.”

There you have it, folks. Look for the ESPY’s on ESPN sometime in June, or something. In the meantime you can catch other qualified hosts such as Rosie O’Donnell hosting America’s Next Top Model, and Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel guest hosting The Martha Stewart Show.   

Read more:

Timberlake 'n sync with ESPY Awards, set to host – ABC11

Randy T was recently handed the title 'King of Sex' by Rolling Stone magazine in exchange for backstage tickets to see him in action. Timberlake told Barbara Walters on her 10 Most Fascinating People special that he will defend his title to the death. Clooney and Pitt have taken this challenge seriously and arranged for a no-holds barred celebrity battle royale. Each of them will take it in turn to beat off as many men as possible to preserve the sanctity of their ring. The celebrity will the longest staying power will receive the coveted 'King of Sex' title belt. 
However, it seems that the princess of pop may have a few tricks up his ludicrously expensive designer sleeves, proclaiming to the world (via Walters):

"I'll hold onto that title for as long as I can. Brad, George, you guys may be on the most beautiful whatever, but I'll eat your hearts out!"

Justin Timberlake's previously unknown cannibalistic tendencies may just get the drop on his opponents. It is believed that Timberlake learnt this heart-eating technique on a recent visit to Papua in Indonesia. A spokesman from the Korowai tribe commented that by eating part of their victims, the cannibal gains their abilities. It seems Timberlake hopes to acquire the very features which have made his rivals so desirable, Clooney's silvery mop and Pitt's well defined groin. Rumours have also been circulating that the German Cannibal Armin Meiwes will be granted a temporary release from prison and fly over to Vegas to act as referee.

However, with Clooney's medical experience and Pitt's face-crushing Fight Club skills, Timberlake will by no means be ensured an easy victory. We can only hope all three suffer several facial damage, if this is the case the title will be automatically given to John C. Reilly. Let battle commence.

Read more:

Justin Timberlake: I'm Hotter Than Brad Pitt, George Clooney - Transworld News

[story by Philip R. Barry]