Remember MySpace? Remember how much fun you had mucking around with the layout and design for it? Remember writing on people’s walls and being friends with the mysterious Tom? Remember when Rupert Murdoch bought it and the entire world stopped using it overnight.

Fun times.

Well, Justin Timberlake – who was in a film about Facebook – bought loads of shares in the flagging service and now wants to tell us all how amazing it is now going to be. It isn’t, is it?

It’s pretty obvious that there’s still something you could do with MySpace. Nothing has come out since that has been as good for new bands. Maybe it would be good for propping a window open somewhere on the internet? Either way, Timberlake has plans!

Essentially, he’s going to revitalise MySpace by turning it into an interactive TV service.

In a statement, he says:

“We’re ready to take television and entertainment to the next step by upgrading it to the social networking experience. Why text or email your friends to talk about your favorite programs after they’ve aired when you could be sharing the experience with real-time interactivity from anywhere across the globe?”

“As the plot of your favorite drama unfolds, the joke of your favorite Snl (Saturday Night Live) character plays, or even the last second shot of your favorite team swishes the net, we’re giving you the opportunity to connect your friends to your moments as they’re actually occurring.

“This is the evolution of one of our greatest inventions, the television. And, we no longer have to crowd around the same one to experience it together.”

Like everyone already does on Twitter?! And what about licensing laws? They ALWAYS throw a spanner in the works when trying to make TV global. Besides, most of us have catch-up services, so… err… what’s the point of all this exactly?

Seriously. If MySpace became a Spotify for unsigned bands, it could take off… but a portal for watching television? Christ.

Sir Elton John, formerly bald, is planning to make a film about his life. And boy what a life! All that having sex and taking drugs! The travelling around the world! The outfits! That bit when he wrote that song.

The trips to the hairdressers too! Amazing.

And so, talking about this flick, Elt’ has named Justin Timberlake as his “number one” choice. They do look like each other don’t they? No. Not at all. That’s the answer you’re looking for.

Yeah. You heard.

Elton John (real name Method Man) is moving forward with his plans to turn his life into a movie-musical with a little help from his film producer partner David Furnish and Billy Elliot writer Lee Hall.

The Rocketman movie is going to tell the story of Elton’s life and career through his music. Obviously, he didn’t write the words for his songs, but y’know, it’ll do.

And Sir Elton wants Justin Timberlake to tackle the lead role.

He told the LA Times:

“(It is) very much in the works. We’re making an announcement about that very, very soon. We have a director on board, and then it’s just going to be a matter of getting the script exactly the way we want it…

“I’ve got a wish list of people (for the lead role). Number one on my wish list is Justin Timberlake, because he played me before in a David LaChapelle video… and was superb.”

Watch it here and try and work out what’s going on with Timberlake’s jaw and teeth.

Well hello there, and good tidings! But let’s just cut the small-talk here before things get all chatty-chatty like what those baby lesbians do off Coronation Street. So, Janet Jackson’s awful.  

Hear that, Great Britain? Here that, Janet Jackson’s official fan club underneath all the wild babble?

Oh, quiet down at the front ? JanFan47?! Cease and desist 1nPHATuation! (Amazing.) PIPE DOWN Janhova_Troll_Slayer! Not our words! No! We’d never flirt with incessant mockery and combine that with the Jackson family, what with all that pain and despair they’ve been harboring these past few years.

No, these are the harsh, cruel, ill-judged vibes of PETA of course. That’s the one. Bitch-eyes from the furries. Tut tut. Ohnoshedidn’t. Holy Things That Matter Entirely, Batman. All that.

After designing a (admittedly quite real-fur specific) fashion label BlackGlama, Janet has been called up for her crimes against all the adorable little swans and herons she’s been murdering grumpily whilst rolling her eyes and muttering about glass ceilings, The Klumps, and cardiologists that dawdle, and been told by the PETA to “GRR STOPIT WE DON’T LIKE HOW FAMOUS AND NASTY YOU ARE.”

Or if you’re hankering for something a tad more specific:

‘When Janet Jackson had her infamous wardrobe malfunction during Super Bowl XXXVIII, at least what popped into view of 170 million onlookers belonged to her, unlike the animal skins she drapes herself in, which are as dead as her fashion taste and her career.’

What, Justin Timberlake’s odium? Oh, right her nipples. Oh, let us off, it’s the end of the year.

Hmm. This doesn’t really make sense at all, really. Does she…win? Is that it? Did Janet Jackson win at PETA?

Oh, well in that case, that’s wonderful! Congratulations Janet. Especially when you must have had stiff competition from our own UK genocide attempts.

 *Sigh*

Hello! This story doesn’t make any sense! In fact, this story is so categorically stupid that it requires a key. So, here is a key.

KEY, YEAH?

*SCOTT JORDAN – Man who says he looks like Justin Timberlake and substantiates this claim with a photo of himself in a trilby, which apparently is something the REAL Justin Timberlake would do. In 2002, at a stretch, possibly, Scott.
*KITTY BRUCKNELL – Lead singer of Wham OR something a bit Councillor of the Exchequer-y, we forget. Something a bit like that.

So Kitty Brucknell (Check the key)  Yes, THE Kitty Brucknell, has reportedly broken up the marriage of a Justin Timberlake impersonator. That’s what we’re working with here. That’s entirely what has happened, yep.

It’s just exhausting really, isn’t it? We work hard all day. We come home, and Kitty Brucknell has had sex all over a Justin Timberlake impersonator. Well, we suppose we could take the coherent objective of: “HEY! Who hasn’t?” But as we well know, we would be lying to both you, us, and perhaps most importantly of all: every single person in the world who has not had sex with Scott Jordan, the Justin Timberlake Impersonator.

And nobody is quite NOT having any sex whatsoever with Scott Jordan, The Justin Timberlake Impersonator than his wife (Shit!) Mrs Justin Timberlake impersonator. (SHIT!) No sur’ee, definitely not a wink of frottage going on in that partnership, that’s for sure. Not any more at least, for that heart has been taken into the warm, ethereal, in-need-of-a-good-moisturise-if-you-ask-us hands of Kitty Brucknell, whom has been named on the divorce papers as being the sole reason for the relationships’ demise. You know, that man who you haven’t heard of at all ever.

No, not Matthew Wright from the Wright Stuff! This other one.

Dare you to thumbs-down it, just to be a dick.

Anyway – according to “Scott Jordan” (*Throws up arms in manner of Michael McIntyre demonstrating something we can relate to*) this woman is KRAZY. Like KANDY FLOSS WITH A K, kind of crazy.

‘She is a monster who does not think twice about tearing other people’s lives apart to get what she wants.

‘She thought being with me would make her famous and get her in the papers and she didn’t care about how her manipulations and lies could have destroyed my career and my marriage.

‘My wife has been subjected to Kitty’s disgusting taunts and lies over the phone.

‘She makes me feel sick.’

Come on, Woman from The X Factor who looks like the sort who person who eats their own leg hair for sport and spent time in rooms containing lockable doors with Louis Walsh? Crazy? That word gets thrown around too much these days. CHEERS FOR THAT ONE, “GNARLS BARKLEY”

Come on Scott, the second best pop star impersonator of all time, (Yeah, as if we were going to let THIS sucker slide) she’s one of those lovable mentals, like Jack The Ripper, or Amanda Holden. All she did was break up your marriage with sex and violence. We do that sometimes instead of sleeping, or eating toast. Yeah, we beat our wives. That’s how we’re choosing to sum up this one. BAD WIVES.

The NME has this year decided that the coolest people in the music industry are a bunch of no-names and people we hate with every fibre of our disgruntled being; they will never make it and, if they’ve already ‘made it’, then their last name is Gallagher and we have absolutely no opinion on that anymore.

Being the snide swine we are, it was suggested that we fight the powers that be and show the world of celebrity what’s what and who’s nobody, so here it is in all its underwhelming un-festive glory.

So, in a very well thought out (hastily typed out at midnight last night) attempt to tackle the elitism issues that NME have raised, we got our youngest, hippest (Hahahaha! – Ed) hecklerspray writers – Lauren Mullineaux and Sophie Hall – to create what we consider to be the healthier way to present a list of terrible human beings. We present to you: Hecklerspray Presents: The Anti-Cool List. Presented. To you. List.

Coldplay:

Chris Martin and the boring company he keeps isn’t just limited to his choice of wife, but his band too. His life is pretty much a homage to Bono which is the worst way to live out your days as far as we’re concerned. They played Glastonbury and it was far too, far too ecstatic. They also released an album called Mylo Xyloto because they’re so bloody fresh. We’re British guys so please just take your emotion and your wives heads and go to America where they are a-okay with public displays.

Ricky Gervais:

His grubby stumps are grasping onto the Hollywood sign with everything he’s bloody got these days because he ran out of jokes about five years ago. Remember that one where he was mean to the celebrity? Remember when he wore tiny shorts? Remember when he was fat? We liked him then, thin people are so dull.

Sam Faiers:

We have never seen The Only Way Is Essex, but we understand exactly why this young woman was attacked in the streets by the naysayers. Frankly we’re sickened she had the gall to then moan about this ‘vicious attack’ like she deserves better than Jesus. Click here to see what she looked like post stoning.

Levi Roots:

Haha. What an absolute idiot this man is, he’s not even un-cool he’s just absolutely, unnervingly, refreshingly stupid. Yes, we were all disheartened to learn that Levi Roots stole, HE STOLE, his Reggae Reggae sauce recipe from his business partner. We thought we could trust the Dragon’s to be sharp suited beacon of honesty in these turbulent times, but this throws everything into disarray.*

Michael Jackson:

He’s not really un-cool is he? We’re just yanking your chain. You know what is un-cool though? Dying. Yeah Michael, screw you, screw you and your wonderfully child-friendly nature, we’ll get our kicks elsewhere from now on.

Daybreak:

If it’s already broken don’t make it more broken, is an old proverb that the big-wigs at ITV have never heard. GMTV was a godsend in comparison to this amalgamation of ugly people with sunny dispositions. If you want to hate yourself at 6 AM then join the army. It’s comforting to know that a lot of people have been sacked for this.

Kim Kardashian/Kris Humphries/Marriage:

Possibly the best and most irritating story of the year from America’s fairy tale family of dimwits. We learnt about how to make a quick buck from true love, it was true love right? How could it not be between a preppy princess and the dumbest man who ever lived? Kris is religious and instead of playing basketball he just bounces it off the wall and into his head.

The Olympics:

Lord Coe or whatever he’s called these days lobbied for literally hours to win us the right to host the Olympics and so that means we have to spend all of our non-existent money building something to look better than a smog covered birds nest.  We have a logo, a nightmarishly, child scaring logo that was designed by the steel loving ghouls of Monsters Inc.

Mark Ronson/Katy B:

We recently learned that the only thing worse than 2012 being ruined by The Olympics is a theme song for the Olympics; you’ll never guess what shining beacons of British pop culture are going to be creating that future Samaritans favourite.

Ashton Kutcher:

It’s 2011 which means that nobody remembers the pretty-but-stupid one from That 70’s Show, Ashton didn’t like this, Ashton got sad, Ashton had an affair, grew hair all over his face, and replaced Charlie Sheen on the worst sitcom to ever disgrace Comedy Central—no mean feat.

Chris Brown:

What a piece of work this young felon is. Not only did he beat the woman of our dreams and global pop sensation Rihanna but he then bought a house near her after his restraining order was dropped by the too kind for her own good sweetheart. We like the one where he storms out of an interview for being asked about his boxing habits unexpectedly. Also he hates handicapped people now.  Not cool Chris, not cool. We hope your glass bedroom gets smashed up in one of your rages.

Justin Bieber:

Truth be told, this kid is probably living the coolest life of any 17 year old ever to have existed, but that doesn’t make him cool now does it? And since we’re cynical and depraved of love, we consider him the antithesis of cool. This year Bieber cut his hair and then cut it again… then a woman said he’d impregnated her (or statutory raped her one). And then he went and made a flirtatious video with 41 year old Mariah Carey that’s full of children and pervy Santa Clause.  He’s so young and happy and infecting the world with his joyful lack of charisma.

Benton:

It’s a man chasing a dog chasing some deer and the whole stupid internet starts puking happiness. By the way he’s called Fenton.

Johnnie Marbles:

This is the guy who you immediately added on twitter after he attempted to pie Rupert Murdoch in the face. You probably regret this decision, but haven’t yet unfollowed him. He thinks he’s so cool that he could never be cool. What is cool is Wendy Murdoch lunging forward and punching him in the head.

Charity:

The third world has been in third place for so long now, please will the judges award them silver next year so we can all move on. We can’t take all the obnoxious drama students following us in the streets for £3 a month, we can’t take seeing sad animals or Terry Wogan on television, we can’t take the guilt every time we drink clean water or don’t get AIDS from having sex. There’s nothing wrong with third place, but runner up is much better.

Technology:

Blackberry had a pretty appalling year with the catastrophic and consistent failure of everything it touched, but at least their founder and principal cool dude didn’t pass away before his time.  We use Android so we’re laughing all the way home with our internet access and ability to ring people… but others weren’t so lucky. 2011 was the year communication on-the-go came to standstill as both iPhone and Blackberry broke down at the same time.  Paperweights coincidentally made a massive comeback.

Sarah Palin:

If we hear anyone say the words ‘soccer mom’ next year we might have to deflate all the ‘soccer’ balls silently in the night with neutron bombs. It’s been a terrible year for the hottest lady in politics as the true extent of her red neck status was revealed. A millions thousand affairs, a shit of a brick for a daughter, and a stalker of an un-official biographer… all alleged of course. Politics just isn’t for everyone is it? Get back to your bear traps.

Downton Abbey:

Somehow, the opposite of a gripping drama has glued you great people to your couches to watch ITV every week. Yes, ITV of all things! It’s as if the entire nation just gave up, sighed, and resigned themselves to the fact that ITV was going to keep making original content if we didn’t settle for something. Why the heck you all settled for a period show with Dead—ahem—Dame Maggie Smith over a crime drama starring Trevor Eve we’ll never understand. BORING.

Rioting:

If 2011 had a theme it would be unrest… and what signifies unrest if not rioting? Usually we watch Egypt, France, and lots of passionate European countries riot, but this year we took to the streets to show we can do it too.  We didn’t do it very well and we didn’t do it for any particularly good reasons. We had lots of protests, but the riots in the heat of the summer nights were crassly consumerist. It’s not that the police couldn’t cope with the destruction they just didn’t think we were worth it. If you’re going to pinch some jeans, the very least you could do is accept the challenge of stealing them from a staffed shop in daylight; pussy.

Bankers:

In the 80’s bankers were cool; that’s what Wall Street taught us anyway, they had a perfectly acceptable level of the devil inside them.

McDonald’s New Advert:

Every single time this comes on, which is a lot, we think it’s for a dating site because it should be and every single time we realise it’s not we hate ourselves a little bit more. The golden arches are supposed to advertise themselves using slogans about how much you’re going to love their manufactured mess, not this misleading twee crap. We’ve taken to muting the TV when it comes on before cutting out our eyeballs with cow horns. Just in case like.

Florence and The Machine:

The only good thing that can be said about them is: at least they’re not Laura Marling.  That shouldn’t be the only redeeming quality in anything.

Azaelia Banks:

Lauren – She was number one on the NME list so we had to include her for posterity, but if it’s any consolation then we don’t think her song’s very good either. She makes us feel old.

Sophie – Nobody has ever mattered less.

Christmas Number 1’s:

Remember when Christmas number 1’s were Christmas songs, created for the occasion? Yeah, us neither. And so on and on rages the tiresome battle between the winner of The X Factor and a popular ‘alternative song’. Give us a bloody break will you? Nobody actually cares. It’s a ploy brought to your easily influenced brains by the record companies so that they can make more money. Save yourself a quid and illegally download them both instead that way everyone’s a winner in your heart and that’s the true meaning of Christmas.

Kelly Rowland

From the years 1981 to 2010, Kelly Rowland was pretty much an inconsequential fragment of life. Then this year, ITV1 thought “Err…yeah, alright” and BANG! A career-woman was born, as Kelly got the gig as judge in the ‘new generation’ line-up of X Factor, providing quite a lot of cocaine and laughs along the way.

Sinitta

In essence: Just not a very good idea.

Michael Jackson

Don’t know if we have the energy.

Frankie Cocozza

On his own, he was a particular nuisance. Combined with Gary Barlow, he was our indie Himmler, getting booted off the X Factor for doing some sort of self assuring drug taking to the utter disgust of Beacon of Humble Gary Barlow  (See below.) This would be the same Gary Barlow whom, after putting him through at the judges houses stage of the competition, turned to Robbie Williams and said, “If there’s one thing I’m not going to let this guy do – is behave.” Well, well, well.

John Lewis Advert

Where did a little 10 year old boy find the time and the money to go to some sort of shopping centre (UNSUPERVISED) and buy his mum and dad this ‘present’? The one where the woman died at the end was far funnier.

Peter Andre

Dear Peter, it’s all very well and good doing all those things that you do. We have no beef with that. But when you open up a Literacy Project with Boris Johnsson and hope nobody will notice, we may need to tell you to ‘sling it’ a tiny little bit.

Lady Gaga

She has only come out of one form of female reproduction this year. Must try harder in 2012.

Nick Clegg

Well, it was all going so well for Nick. What with the whole not shafting the country thing and the yellow section at Tie Rack. But then he went and did the whole shafting the country thing, and unfortunately it didn’t work out incredibly well.

Alex Reid/Chantelle’s unborn child

If you take into account Darwin’s theory of natural selection and THIS video, it really doesn’t bode well for this kid at all. “We share a lot of common experiences. Like Big Brother. And marriage.”

Brian May

We do worry about Brian May. He’s been very ‘up’ for things lately. Last week for example, he even went on stage to perform with The Darkness. He even has a blog now for god’s sake. Initial symptoms of a major depressive episode, or just very very enthusiastic about being Brian May? The answer is of course, C) He’s a Bohemian Rhapsody twiddling sell-out.

Scarlett Johanson’s boobs

And we thought her Other Anne Boleyn Girl acting was a bit wobbly! WAHEY! (Dear Scarlett Johnansson, thank you so so much for taking photos of your nude form.)

Gary Barlow

“So Gary, what do you think about your latest inclusion as an X Factor judge and altogether more successful songwriter than Paul McCartney off of The Beatles?” “I think the children should eat more healthily.” Ah okay then. Do one, Gary.

The Collective

Such a disrespectful thing to do for the children. Especially released the same week as Children in Need. Oh wait, it WAS for Children in Need. Well, that’s just awful.

Beyonce’s Fake Pregnancy Bump

Hearty congratulations and all that, Beyonce. But all this ‘Mmm delicious’ pregnancy acting don’t wash with us. YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT WITH A BABY! How could you possibly be? You are Beyonce, that of many a loin. Definitely not cool.

Men

With the launch of Bridesmaids this Summer, it was suddenly realised that men were awful and women were… Jesus, a bit funny to say the LEAST! You’d think all those years inhaling smoke fumes in the kitchen would have detatched us from a sense of humour! But NO! We did it girls! Women: Quite literally, the new men.

Sky News

16/33 miners saved? GREAT! Perhaps next time such an event occurs, you could also provide us with a pie chart of their diminishing blood sugar levels!

The Smurfs

Right. You know smurfs? You know movies? You know conglomerations of smurfs and movies? Nah. Us neither, because obviously none of us watched Smurfs: The Movie, starring Katy Perry and Alan Cumming and other people who grossly misjudged themselves. But it’s not bad. After scoring a whopping 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, the film eventually picked up to an admirable 23%, and also secured a sequel (SMURFS 2!) in 2013. Lovely.

Google +

We were all so excited, weren’t we? So excited that we could pick up your name and put it in a circle next to someone else who we previously put in the same circle. The exclusive ‘secret invite’ process made us all feel like we were part of a secret haven, better than other people, better than suckers registering Linkedin Accounts. Eventually though, it turned out that Google Plus was awful and pointless. You probably all read our comedic appraisals in our status updates about it at the time. On Twitter.

Emma Watson

There’s a hell-a lot of things we don’t like about Emma Watson. Sure, she has a People Tree fashion range endorsing us to help the community. Sure, she starred in a One Night Only video as a dog. Sure, she cut her hair short and vetoed her entire 20s and 30s. Sure she attended a university and then cried because she was JUST TOO FAMOUS and went home. We can live with all that.  In 2011, Emma Watson became the patron to the Wild Trout Trust. Well now she’s just taking the piss.

Lars Von Trier

One of your more sophisticated mentals now, as we look back on the escapades of Lars Von Triers. After securing success with his quaint little sci fi apocalyptic drama Melancholia, Lars made what The Sun may call a ‘gaffe’, (but we’d probably go with something more along the lines of ‘Quite awful thing to say actually’) about the nazis. Here’s the video to remind you all, but in essence, the whole thing gets articulated much better with a gif wall of Kirsten Dunsts reactions to him.

Justin Timberlake

AND he bought bloody Myspace.

Diva Fever

A very last minute shoe-horned appearance from X Factor favourites (Well, not FAVOURITES, per se, but you know. People who went on X Factor at some point, regardless) have basically done this. And we’re displeased.

——————

*Levi Roots has disappointingly won the legal battle because nothing about ‘his’ recipe was ever secret apparently and this was much more interesting when he was a thief.

Finding a man to play Michael Jackson in a biopic is no easy task. Listen, LaToya Jackson is surely not in the picture, despite being MJ’s reanimated corpse. Think about it. You need someone who vaguely looks like the former King of Pop.

Naturally, what with Michael going from handsome black man to Roswell white man, there’s not many people who are up to the task, unless someone creates some ET/human/chameleon hybrid.

However, seeing as a Michael Jackson biopic is in the pipeline, there’s actors being touted to guzzle Propofol like UHT milk. And oddly, most of them are white.

Weirdly enough, Johnny Depp has been made the favourite to play Jackson in a film that will be made by Ghostbusters producers Ivan Reitman and Tom Pollock. Let us hope that their ghost enthusiasm hasn’t waned and they include that amazing MJ seance held by Derek Acorah when he channelled Mike and said ‘Say hi to Quincy Jones for me.’

Anyway, bookmakers Paddy Power opened betting and Depp ran away with a hilarious lead with odds of 4/1 with other big white names like High School Musical’s Zac Effron getting odds at 9/2 and Justin Timberlake at 12/1.

Will Smith and Usher have also been mentioned too, but that kinda spoils our angle on the article.

Sharon McHugh, spokesperson for Paddy Power, said in a statement:

“It’s going to be one mammoth task trying to get someone good enough at acting and dancing to fill Michael Jackson’s moon-walking shoes but when it comes to the race we’re betting it don’t matter if he’s black or white!”

Jesus Christ. Anyway, one person who has been cruelly overlooked is the marvellously odd Eddie Murphy who is certainly not averse to playing different characters with different faces. Better yet, he’s got form when it comes to singing bad synth-soul!

Check this out. He could totally do a Jamie Foxx when he played Ray Charles and sing the OST!

And, even BETTER than that, Eddie Murphy has links to Michael Jackson. Yes, he appeared in one of MJ’s videos (Do You Remember The Time), but Jackson appeared on one of Eddie’s singles from ’93.

Yes he did. And boy howdy, you’ll laugh when you see this video. Eddie dressed up like he’s just been kicked out of the Blue Oyster club and Jackson looking as ghoulish as ever!

Enjoy this one and start putting your money on Eddie Murphy playing Jackson in his biopic. Oh, and Carlton from the Fresh Prince to play Sexy Conrad Murray, please.

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Panto season must be upon us, as formerly-relevant perplexing poltroon and peddler of pretend-angst Brian Hugh Warner has once again unveiled his Halloween-night-Lily-Savage alter-ego ‘Marilyn Manson’ in an unsuccessful attempt to outrage/impress anyone who still gives two hoots during a boozy night out in Las Vegas.

The vain attempt to appear partially interesting involved Brian going out on the lash in the Born And Raised bar in suburban Vegas – basically a provincial Yates’s from what we can gather. This was after, we assume, getting turned-away from any ‘real’ bars on the Strip all of whom have a strict “no wankers” policy. Luckily Brian managed to make himself look like the utter weapon he is.

Highlights of the evening, courtesy of the man determined to turn his previously imagined reputation of ‘controversial’ into that of stone-cold-fact ‘tiresome’, include:

• Drinking absinthe, because Baudelaire did so it’s, like, totally cool, cultured and ‘out-there’. Like the kerr-razy dude he is. On-lookers shrugged, we imagine. Not remembering he unsuccessfully launched his own brand of ‘Mansinthe’ in 2008 (REALLY), which was variously described as being “as bad as piss” (True).
• Manning the karaoke machine and singing ‘Cry Me A River’ by Justin Timberlake. SIX bloody TIMES IN A ROW LIKE SOME SORT OF WOMAN WITH EMOTIONS AND THINGS.
• Getting into the wrong limousine at the end of the night and getting hoyed-out of it – basically the equivalent of unsuccessfully trying to jump somebody else’s taxi, a ritual we are all familiar with.
• Ostentatiously brandishing a knife while awaiting the arrival of his own taxi/limo.

The latter is- of course- forgivable if one is a fifteen-year old wannabe hard-man trying to impress your mates after your first proper belly-full of Diamond White. You know, whilst ‘having it large’ in your local graveyard after everyone has told their parents they are spending the evening round each others’ houses? It’s pretty wearying if you are a 42-year old man named Brian.

It is widely reported (by us) that Brian tried to justify this wholly underwhelming spectacle by saying “Sorry I went nuts, but I’m a rock star!” to anyone listening.

His ‘rock star’ allegation was made despite all evidence to the contrary including, but not limited to – no major label contract, no album out in recent memory, not being Trent Reznor, no tour that anyone can remember and even his target audience of adolescent emo kids finding him a bit embarrassing.

Rumours that Brian Hugh Warner currently resides in his mother’s box-room and has been getting grief for stealing her concealer are unconfirmed at time of publication.

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Justin Timberlake is insanely hateful isn’t he? Think about it. He’s very, very good looking, a wonderful dancer, makes great pop songs when he can be bothered, is an actor and, most irritating of all, seems like a really nice bloke.

Can we just hunt him down like a dog and kill him please?

JT is making all men look utterly redundant again by reprising his skit with Jimmy Fallon, where he performs the History Of Rap. This time, we’ve got the video of PART THREE of the sketch. He’s probably amazing at the sex isn’t he? Gah.

Timberlake, who probably has a very beautiful penis (we may never know after that guy got arrested who was going to leak those nudes of his), stopped by the Late Night Show with Jimmy Fallon.

The pair have of course performed The History Of Rap twice before (hence this one being ‘part three’ you gasping idiot), this time, tackling hits from Kanye West, House of Pain, Coolio, Ice Cube, Young MC, Naughty By Nature, OutKast, The Fugees, Snoop Dogg, The Beastie Boys, Sir Mix-A-Lot and Fresh Prince.

Seeing as we’ve got zero likeable male popstars on the planet right now, we really could do with Timberlake making another record.

That’d be nice wouldn’t it?

Anyway, watch Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon Perform ‘History of Rap 3’ on the ‘Late Night with Jimmy Fallon’ this past Friday below.

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Don’t you just hate it when someone you love, admire and possibly think about in a dirty way when you have at least one free hand, turns out to be nothing more than a former all singing, all dancing, would happily punch repeatedly in the face, jumper wearing, Mickey Mouse Club super brat?

We’re talking about YOU Ryan ‘I’m now highly respected and will sleep with everyone’ Gosling.

Yes, self harmingly bland Justin Timberlake went on the Ellen Show and ruined any credibility that Ryan Gosling ever had by announcing that not only were they both made in the evil Disney factory but that they even shared a house together aged 11, making us wish we were dead.

Timberlake gushed:

‘Funnily enough, his mother had to keep her job in Canada the second year that we were on the television show and my mom was like his guardian for six months.”

‘So we actually lived together at that age. So we were probably a little closer than the rest of the kids on that show were just because we had to share a bathroom.’

He didn’t shut up there. There was still a shred of Ryan’s dignity left.

‘We used to do terrible things. Looking back on them they weren’t as bad as I thought they were at the time. We thought we were so cool when we were on the Mickey Mouse Club.’

Well you weren’t. Not even a little bit. Shh.

So what did they do that was so bad? Snort lines off bald hookers? Set fire to Britney Spears? Oh no, it was worse.

‘We stole a golf cart. We were like “Yeah man we stole a golf cart. You know what it’s like on a back lot- there are golf carts everywhere.”‘

‘We drove into MGM studios which is totally illegal by the way.’

Finally, Timberlake hammered the final nail in Gosling’s coffin by revealing that the pair used to speak to each other in a version of hilarious faux gangster speak. According to Justin. Not us.

‘I was like, ‘What do you want to do thug?’ and he was like ‘I don’t know cus,’ because that’s definitely how we talked.’

WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN????

‘I said ‘I don’t know man. I’m in the mood for some vanilla and he was like ‘I’m in the mood for some chocolate.’ So then we went and got milkshakes.’

That’s not ‘hilarious’,  it’s disturbingly lame.

BUT NOT AS LAME AS THIS VIDEO!!!

Shame on you Gosling.

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Hey! Hollywood! Well done! You’ve done well by pointing out that some actresses are much prettier than others. Bless you for that. We really didn’t know who to approach the whole thing and you went and said.

Just like that. You just came right out and spoke without a care in the world.

Basically, you went and said that Scarlett Johansson was far too beautiful to play the role of Lisbeth Salander in The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo films. The girl playing her now? She must be thrilled and all set to burn those self-shot pictures she was going to leak all by herself, now that hacker is in prison.

David Fincher, talking to Vogue, begged for pity when describing the difficult casting process for Salander, and how girls were flown in from across the globe for the part.

How awful. It’s like working in a flooded mine.

He said Johansson was “great,” but alas:

“The thing with Scarlett is, you can’t wait for her to take her clothes off.”

Would you look at that statement. He just opened his mouth and out it came. Scarlett, you’re great and all, but just shut up and show us your boobs.

Fincher elaborated:

“I keep trying to explain this. Salander should be like E.T. If you put E.T. dolls out before anyone had seen the movie, they would say, ‘What is this little squishy thing?’ Well, you know what? When he hides under the table and he grabs the Reese’s Pieces, you love him! It has to be like that.”

And so, Rooney Mara is the lucky gal who Fincher wants to keep her clothes well and truly on because he fancies Johansson more and that she reminds him of a red-fingered alien.

Brilliant.

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Isn’t it great to see a superstar in an unguarded moment. They only let us see what they want us to see or generally portray themselves as something other than the real them entirely. Just like everyone, really.

However, these people are famous and more attractive and generally nicer to gawp at than Flubbo down the street with his roll-ups, carrier bags and back boobs.

And so, Florida’s Chris Chaney lightened up our days by hacking into celebrity email accounts and stealing naked pictures that they’d taken of themselves (to share with other people because, and this is nice to know, they’re all just as sexually needy as we, the people, and still need to impress people with self-shot nudey snaps) and giving them to us. And now he’d like to say sorry.

Jacksonville’s Chaney was arrested and charged on Wednesday following a year-long FBI investigation in the amusingly named Operation Hackerazzi.

The images he found, some ended up on our monitors. You’ll remember the nudes of Scarlett Johansson and the kinda nudes of Christina Aguilera. Of course, we’re more interested in the ones that he didn’t leak. Yet. Come on Chano! You must’ve left the snaps with some other ne’er-do-well who wants to leak them?

Chaney faces 26 separate charges of accessing and damaging computers, identity theft and wiretapping which could result in 121 years in prison if found guilty on all charges.

Phew. All that for some boobs.

He admitted his guilt to journalists in Florida, saying:

“It started as curiosity and it turned into just being addicted to seeing behind the scenes of the lives of the people you see on the big screen every day.”

Chaney didn’t want to blackmail any slebs, nor indeed did he sell his pictures. He simply liked doing it. He liked making celebrities miserable (while simultaneously sending their profiles into the stratosphere) and us dribbling fools happy with n00dz.

“I deeply apologise. I know what I did was probably one of the worst invasions of privacy… I know it was wrong and have to face it and go forward.”

Mr Chaney allegedly used several online aliases, including “anonygrrl” and “jaxjaguars911″ which you should now go and stick into Google to see what comes up. Or indeed, try and hack his emails, as it must be an absolute goldmine!

Okay? Good.

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Remember when we all saw Scarlett Johansson naked? Remember? And the internet melted? That was a fun time wasn’t it? Of course, we broke the story before anyone else and no-one noticed and we’re totally not bitter about it. At all. Nope. We don’t keep going over it in our head.

We’ll murder someone for this.

Anyway, friend of hecklerspray, Christopher Chaney from Jacksonville Florida, has been arrested as part of a year long investigation of celebrity hacking called Operation Hackerazzi. Great name for an operation. We would’ve called it Operation Celebritits. Either way, arrests have been made! WAHOO! AND IT WASN’T US GETTING CUFFED!

Naturally, we weren’t arrested because we don’t know the first thing about hacking. In fact, we barely know how to work our Nokia phones. We’ve heard there’s this game called ‘Snake’ on it which is really cool.

Alas, it seems Chaney does and he’s been accused of 26 counts of identity theft, unauthorised access to a protected computer and wiretapping.

While that all sounds incredibly thrilling (wiretapping? Come on! That’s Soviet spy business!), Chaney will be gulping away, looking down the barrel of a not-so-hilarious 121 years in prison.

And all because he wanted to share the glory of the naked human form with us all.

Authorities said Chaney was responsible for stealing nude photos taken by actress Scarlett Johansson of herself and that, he had more than 50 victims, which include Mila Kunis and Renee Olstead as well as singer Christina Aguilera.

Sorry ladies and gay men. No news on Justin Timberlake nudes as yet.

The Feds say that those named agreed to have their identities made public while others in the indictment were named only by their initials. We haven’t seen their initials as yet. When we do, we’ll speculate like mad.

He is accused of offering some material to celebrity blog sites but there is no evidence that he profited from his scheme, according to Steven Martinez, assistant director in charge of the FBI’s Los Angeles office.

Yo! Chaney! Hit us up with some more pictures!

PWEEEASE.

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Do you want to see leaked (by us) naked photosets of the hecklerspray writers? Of course you don’t. Collectively, we look like the melted waxwork tit of a gentleman pensioner. Firm, young, attractive celebrities are a different matter of course!

So when Scarlett Johansson accidentally ended up showing everyone more than intended, everyone exploded with excitement for three seconds before realising that seeing an actress in a state of undress isn’t at all peculiar.

Maybe it was catching her in a candid moment, naked as herself rather than a character, that got people wanting to ogle. Either way, she wasn’t happy and now, for the first time, she’s talking about it all. With her boobs out.

The FBI are apparently investigating claims of computer hacking, following the leaking of naked photos of various famous people. They talked to Team Spray, but no action will be taken against us because, after 30 seconds of talking to us, they realised we can barely work our own legs, let alone the technology needed to hack into someone’s phone or emails.

In an interview with CNN, Johansson said:

“Just because you’re an actor… doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to your own personal privacy”

“If that is sieged in some way, it feels unjust. It feels wrong”

But CNN wasn’t listening properly. They were thinking about Scarlett’s boobies and bum-bum.

She continued:

“I think there are certain instances where you give a lot of yourself and finally you have to kind of put your foot down’.”

Naked boob shaped feet, preferably.

Of course, now that we’ve seen Johansson in a state of nudlery, we’ve all moved on. She can feel as invaded as she likes because all eyes are now on Justin Timberlake and his Friends With Benefits co-star Mila Kunis.

Apparently there’s naked pictures of those two about to drop and… well… that’s a treat for everyone with working eyeballs.

Unless of course you’re an Irish farmer who HATES nudity.

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There’s nothing weirder than finding people who are so obsessed with something that they’re willing to go to any length of internet-based conflict in order to defend their nonsensical beliefs. It is a trait most often seen in fans of Muse, Twilight, INXS, Queen and, quite inexplicably, Larry David. There are few things that hecklerspray writers love more than these people. The ‘whine’ of fans.

And so we come to our weekly perusal of our post, the time that- for us- is the closest we’ll ever come to having sex with Ann Widdicombe. We approach the post bag with a mixture of terror and morbid curiosity with only a modicum of sexual excitement, we reach out our shaking, clammy paws.

Find out what becomes of us over the jump…

Remember to click that HD button…

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Filth. Absolute filth. That’s what today’s celebrities are. You wouldn’t get old, classy celebrities like Marilyn Monroe posing naked for photographs would you? Certainly not. She had self-respect.

However, thanks to the wonderful technological advances of mobile phones and those cameras they’ve got built into them, we are now a planet of people capturing their nether-regions and sending them to other humans.

Celebs are no different… apart from the small fact that people want to hack into their phones and share them with the world. So which leaked celebrity n00dz are the best? Click over the jump where it is astonishingly NSFW.

You can’t move for naked celebrities, leaked or otherwise. The advent of the sex tape has added a whole other element to the voyeuristic nature of watching the lives of famous people.

For the first time, it feels like we can peer behind their bedroom doors and watch them at it. Even Sally from Home And Away has been caught out bumping uglies on a very noisy waterbed.

However, we need to place some kind of arbitrary importance on these photographs because, lets face it, some people get private images leaked and after we’ve stopped gawping at their flesh, we wonder who the hell they are.

And so, here are the 12 most ‘important’ or ‘best’ leaked celebrity photos.

And no, thanks to the British law, we haven’t included Dappy from N Dubz, although if you want to look at his long, thin member, we’re pretty sure you can find it online easily enough.

Renee Olstead

You may not have heard of Renee Olstead, but she’s a singer and actress. She makes this list because she’s the first celebrity to actually put a little effort into her nudey snaps. Leaked last March, Olstead went from being a kinda-nobody to a woman who everyone admired, albeit briefly. You can see her VERY NSFW snaps here.

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton had her phone hacked and pretty much invented the notion of a sleb becoming famous on the back of leaked photos… and of course, videos.

Ke$ha

Possibly the first time in history when pictures leaked of a celebrity and everyone actively wished they hadn’t seen them. Ke$ha appeared covered in someone’s love-gravy and everyone felt a little nauseous.

Hayley Williams

There’s something about rappers, RnB and pop singers that make you assume they’re dirty swine. However, delicate emo flowers like Paramore singer Hayley Williams was a little more surprising when she “accidentally tweeted” her boobies to everyone.

Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera went from being unattainably famous to a National Anthem forgetting, nude drunk in the space of a week. Here’s one of the leaked pictures.

Vanessa Hudgens

Vanessa Hudgens, star of High School Musical, became the classic ‘teen star’ who was sullied by having a life outside the squeaky-clean bubble of Disney. There’s a naked video floating around which allegedly features Hudgens too. Happy hunting.

Chris Brown

Chris Brown is one of the few celebrities who was reportedly unfazed by the leaking of naked photos of him. This is either because he’s got a big appendage or he’s unable to form a sense of shame, as shown when he continually forgot to show remorse for smacking Rihanna in the face.

Rihanna

Speaking of Rihanna, she had naked photographs leaked too. Did they contribute to the incident with Chris Brown? Rumours suggest as such, not that you lot care.

Kanye West

Apparently, Kanye was always sending pictures of himself to the ladies before he became gigantically famous. And here he is, showing of his Monster.

Miley Cyrus

Miley was only of interest to pre-teens, but then, after the leaking of some pictures, she transformed into an actual celebrity. Sure, no-one really knows what she does anymore, but these pictures helped to propel her career onward, rather than sideways. Daft pout though.

Ashely Greene

You know Ashley Greene right? She’s in the Twilight films. In 2009, we all ended up seeing more of her than she probably imagined.

Scarlett Johansson

The most famous of the lot, Scarlett Johansson managed to melt the entire internet when her boobies broke free. Jessica Alba must be absolutely thrilled because there was a vague hint of self-shot nudity dithering around the web, but ScarJo completely obliterate her and got hecklerspray lots and lots of traffic. Thanks.

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