Ringo Starr, quite possibly still going around warning everyone with ‘peace and love’, is opening and closing his mouth again, letting words tumble out and reminding everyone that he once provided the voice for Thomas The Tank Engine and friends.

He’s also nattering about his famous chum, Sir Paul McCartney.

Apparently, the 10th best drummer in The Beatles (after John Lennon, Sir Macca, George Harrison, George Martin, Billy Preston, Pete Best, Stuart Sutcliffe, Yoko Ono, Astrid Kirchherr and that arhythmic dripping tap in studio 2 of Abbey Road) is still in close contact with the only useful living member of the Fab Four.

Of course, you’d expect Ringo (real name Ringles Starrguitar) to still be in contact with a bloke he’s know since he was a whippersnapper. This isn’t news is it?

The news is, that they have no plans to work together any time soon… which is barely newsworthy in itself because Paul McCartney has a perfectly able drummer as it is.

Ringo told BBC Radio 2 presenter Steve Wright (who currently looks like a melted waxwork of David Gest):

“He surprised me when I was playing Radio City Music Hall, and he got up and he played ‘Birthday’, which I played with him because I wanted the opportunity to ply with him again, and he’s on the last record, he’s not on this one.

“We do hang out a bit but we’re not in each other’s pockets, and if the opportunity is real, I’ve played on a couple of his records, he’s played on mine.”

“We never sit there and say, ‘oh yeah we’ll put it together’, I’ll do ‘Yesterday’ and ‘Hey Jude’, he’ll do ‘Octopus’s Garden’.”

While that may read duller than ditch water, you should go back and read it out loud in your best Ringo Starr impression because EVERYONE is able to do a Ringo impression and it is NEVER not funny.

Elsewhere, there have been rumours that the living Beatles are to reunite and play at the opening of the 2012 Olympic Games in London this summer. Ringo’s not having it.

“There was talk about The Olympics last year, but I’m not here, I’m booked to tour America. I don’t know if he’s going to do it, but I’m off.”

He hates England, doesn’t he?

John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ is a pretty lousy song. Sure, it is still massively popular today, but then again, so is war and racism. Numbers and time multiplied doesn’t necessarily show the inherent quality of something.

Either way, that doesn’t stop people being precious about it and today, various arms are being thrown into the air in disgust (because there’s little else to be disgusted about of course) after Cee Lo Green changed the words to one of the laziest lyrics in pop history.

During a televised performance on New Year’s Eve, the visually impaired Green altered Lennon’s lyrics, turning a line that criticises religion into one that actively promotes it.

Dressed in a black robe and shades (seriously, is he blind or something? He’s a big lad so his eyesight could’ve been taken from him through Type 2 Diabetes complications for all we know), Cee Lo took to the stage and sang:

“Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try”

So far, so correct. But then JEEZ! IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE?! happened.

“Imagine there’s no countries, it isn’t hard to do. Nothing to kill or die for… and all religion is true.”

Of course, back in ’71, Lennon sang ‘no religion too’, which everyone kinda missed the first time ’round. He also sang ‘imagine no possessions’, while sat in his entirely white mansion, complete with the specially cooled room which kept all his fur coats just so.

Yeah. No possessions. Some people don’t have to imagine it Johnno because they don’t have any, y’spoiled berk.

Naturally, the hooting atheists were quick to complain in the most pious way possible. They took to their pulpits on twitter, with one shouting:

“You sang Imagine in a fur coat & expensive jewelry and changed [the lyrics] to be pro-religion!”

Oh the delicious irony! Green eventually tweeted an apology on his special phone for blind people:

“Yo I meant no disrespect by changing the lyric guys! I was trying to say a world were u could believe what u wanted that’s all.”

He then deleted all his apologies because he knew damn well that most Atheists aren’t even worth talking to. Anyway, here’s the proof of Cee Lo Green singing a different line in an already pedestrian, clunky rock ballad.

John Lennon – you may remember him from such bands as The Beatles, Plastic Ono Band and Getting Drunk For Two Years With Harry Nilsson – is, like Michael Jackson and Elvis, one of the deadest, hardest working muvvers in showbiz.

Of course, being adopted by America, Lennon still stirs up a lot of interest with people still keen to paw over his memory.

Naturally, memorabilia is the big winner. So what’s being sold now? Would you believe us if we told you his teeth were up for auction? Cloning scientists, do your worst!

One of John Ono’s teeth is to be put up for auction in Stockport on November 5th and Omega Auctions’ Karen Fairweather – who is in charge of the lot – expects it to land some decent cash.

Talking to the Mirror, she says:

“This is the most -wonderful and weird item that we have ever had for sale… it is a truly unique item and it is really difficult to put a value on it. We are expecting it to achieve at least 10k but it is not unknown for items as rare as this to reach six figures.”

The errant tooth fell into the care of Lennon’s former housekeeper, Dot Jarlett, when the pulled it out himself and told Jarlett to give it to her daughter.

Dot’s son, Barry, says:

“He was in the kitchen and he had this tooth which he had wrapped in a piece of paper”

If some mad scientist with a cloning machine lands this tooth, we could well get a Beatles reunion! Won’t that be brilliant and REALLY BLOODY WEIRD?

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Yoko Ono’s not a very nice lady, is she? First she split up The Beatles, then she was responsible for a series of musical abortions with the Plastic Ono band and now she’s going out of her way to sully the memory of her late husband by trying to grind as many shekels out of him as possible.

According to Jam, Ono has threatened to sue the owner of a Dundee pub which is dedicated to the former Beatle. Indications suggest that the ”singer” has had her lawyers send a letter to Mike Craig, the owner of “Lennon’s Bar”, that accuses him of copyright infringement.

Craig claims to have spent thousands of pounds on Beatles memorabilia for his pub which was opened in tribute to a member of one of world music’s most important acts. However, the letter from Ono’s lawyers is demanding that he removes all the memorabilia and changes the venue’s name within 14 days or he will face legal action.

After all, no-one but Yoko is allowed to remember John Lennon because if people are allowed to remember him and his contribution to the world in their own way then she would disappear in a puff of smoke and our editor Mof Gimmers would have no-one to fake retweets of.

The owner of ‘Lennon’s’ said: “It’s ridiculous. The pub’s been called Lennon’s for about five years, but the signs will be removed this week.” Before probably muttering “evil witch” or words to that effect under his breath.

Ono is famously litigious in her pursuit of a quick dollar. She has been involved in several legal disputes in relation to her late husband, in an effort to maintain her own ailing relevance. In 2006, she filed a £5.35m lawsuit against EMI and its subsidiary Capitol Records for “wilfully and knowingly under-reporting royalties.” She needs to be kept in hemp.

In 2008, meanwhile, it was reported that she sued the singer Lennon Murphyfor using the name Lennon as a performance name. Although the money-grabbing hippy later revealed that she had not sued the singer, her legal team did object after Murphy applied to the US trademark office for exclusive rights to the name Lennon for musical performances. Clearly those rights should be deferred to a dead man.

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Since John and George died, there’s been something of a tussle over who can be the funniest remaining Beatle. Paul McCartney is just too wacky to be properly funny, so that means, by default, Ringo gets the crown, right?

Well, sadly for Ringo, he seems to be suffering from an onset on dementia.

Of course, our Ring’ became something of a laughing stock when he warned us all with ‘peace and love’ not to send him any more gifts (how can anyone top those paintings Marge Simpson did of him?). Then he went and vaguely slagged off Liverpool. He’s priceless isn’t he? Well, now he’s slagging Paul McCartney off. Next, we assume he’ll be pissing on Lennon’s grave.

First of all, Ringo is claiming that The Beatles were lucky to have him as their drummer. And he’s right to say that as he was the best man on Merseyside to man the drumstool at the time (and, contrary to popular belief, remained a really great drummer throughout the Beatles’ career).

He says:

‘Within Liverpool, I was a lot more well know than them. Rory and the Hurricanes (Starr’s former band) were big shots in the city. We had the suits. That was our claim to fame. The Beatles were lucky to get me. It wasn’t just that I was a big shot; I was a cool drummer.’

All well and good, right? Everyone knows Ringo was better than Pete Best. But what’s all this about Macca?

Well, Ringo is still touring with his (pretty awful) All Starr Band. He keeps asking Paul to join them but alas, as one of the greatest living songwriters on the planet, he’s always busy.

This obviously sticks in Starr’s craw.

‘Every time I ask him to tour with the All Starrs, he says he is too busy.’

Then, Ringo goes a bit mental.

‘We’re as close as we want to be. We’re the only two remaining Beatles, although he likes to think he’s the only one. I actually think it’s people on the outside who perceive Paul as thinking he’s the only member left, when actually it’s me. I am the last remaining Beatle.’

Paul is dead man, miss him, miss him…

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John Lennon once sang “Imagine no possessions, I wonder if you can?” Well actually, we can’t. We love rockstars and the daft things that define them. What would Lady GaGa be without her myriad of oddball possessions? Natasha Bedingfield, that’s who… and no-one wanted her in the first place.

And so, after seeing the little commercial spots during the Brit Awards coverage, where popstars talked about what was priceless to them – in the case of Lulu, a rather dazzling sequinned jacket, or the Ting Tings giving away their first guitar and such – we got thinking about our favourite things that popstars have.

Think about Slash without a top hat or Michael Jackson without a spangly glove or monkey? They become a bit rubbish don’t they?

If you missed the Brits, and in turn, missed our astonishingly brilliant liveblog (you monsters), you won’t know what we’re talking about.

So, have a look at this advert that Mastercard popped in their coverage of the Brit Awards 2011 and have a think about which items you love that help define a popstar.

Here’s our list of favourites (which we’ll almost immediately regret because we forgot a whole bunch of ace ones)

Flava Flav’s Clock

Flava Flav isn’t the best rapper in the world. He’s not even the best rapper in Public Enemy. However, he’s the largest character in rap. If it wasn’t for his amusingly large clock, no-one would remember his name. Not least Brigitte Nielsen who bafflingly had a bit of a thing with him.

John Lennon’s Glasses

John Lennon may have imagined no possessions, but what would he be if it wasn’t for his Rickenbacker guitar, his white piano or his famous spectacles. If you see a pair of basic, round-rimmed specs, you immediately think “Lennon glasses!” They were especially useful in later years because, well, he looked stupid without them on.

Elton John’s Donald Duck Outfit

Ah. Elton John. Here’s a man who doesn’t mind owning a whole buncha stuff. The best thing he’s owned is his Donald Duck outfit which he actually wore in public. This Donald Duck get-up only just beats his wig for the top spot in our fave Elton possession.

Johnny Cash’s Entirely Black Wardrobe

The Man In Pastel Colours doesn’t have the same gravitas as Johnny Cash’s nickname, The Man In Black. His attire matched his earthy growl and often bleak subject matter in his songs. Murder, death, poverty and criminal behaviour wouldn’t really go down as well if he performed in pink slacks and a lemon yellow golfing sweater.

Arthur Brown’s Fire Hat

Arthur Brown had one hit. It was called ‘Fire’. And so, to cement him into our psyche, he set his head on fire. In the early days, scorching hot oil would run down his back while performing. Makes Justin Bieber’s stupid haircut look a bit pointless now, eh?

Elvis Presely’s Jumpsuit

Elvis, in his youth, was a devastatingly attractive chap. Look at the pictures of him in the ’68s Comeback Special in his leathers, and he’s all sex… enough to make a straight man aroused. However, the most enduring Elvis is the tubby, kung-fu one that strutted the boards of Vegas in a Nudie jumpsuit. Nudie made all the outfits for the country singers, but the caped jumpsuits that Elvis wore will always be his most famous creation.

Madonna’s Bra

Even now, after a career that has spanned millennia, Madonna is still known for her Gaultier pointy bra. If you want to go to a fancy dress party as Madge, you don’t don a purple leotard, but rather, jam two ice-creams on your chest and stick a bent straw in your hair. Easy.

Devo’s Hats

Devo would forever be forgotten as Some Arty Band if it wasn’t for their peculiar dress sense. Even McDonald’s ripped the group off with a Happy Meal toy! The Pet Shop Boys also aped Devo with weird wardrobe decisions in the ’90s.

Kiss’s Make-up Bag

Kiss are just another pedestrian stadium rock band that have two or three famous records that you recognise on a night out. However, they had a secret that saw them eclipsing other, similar bands – a make-up bag! So whether you’re done up like a cat or some weird lightning flash demi-god, the Kiss look is immediate. And brilliant.

The Bloke From Dr Hook’s Eye Patch

Seriously. He’d be a nobody if he wasn’t a cyclops.

Why not add your own in the comments and tell us how stupid we are for forgetting a whole bunch of people?

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Today marks the anniversary of that awful, awful day when John Lennon was taken from us too young by crazed Beatlefan, Mark Chapman. Of course, because we’re immature, we can’t deal with grief, so we nervously make jokes to stop us from wanting to head-butt a wall repeatedly ’til we die.

Which is why, with a nod to the Bootleg Beatles, we’ve designed this Bootleg Mark Chapman t-shirt. That’s right! The Bootleg Beatles never wrote a song, so you as a Bootleg Mark Chapman don’t need to actually kill anyone. Maybe you could give the Bootleg John Lennon a dead-leg or something if you’re really keen on being all method actor.

Click here to buy it and don’t worry, it comes in a variety of different colours and sizes.

John Lennon, one quarter of The Beatles and writer of stone cold classic tracks like ‘It’s So Hard’, ‘Meat City’ and ‘My Mummy’s Dead’, got bumped off this Earth in one of the most oddest of fashions.

How many people’s ghosts can say ‘Well, I got shot dead by a man who asked for my autograph hours before I departed this shitty little planet.’? Not many.

And now, if you’re wealthy and fond of macabre artefacts, you can buy an album covered in murderer’s fingerprints. Yesireebob! An American dealer is selling the copy of John Lennon’s ‘Double Fantasy’ LP which he signed for Mark Chapman the day he thought he should kill a really famous person.

It was just before Christmas in 1980 that Chapman was photographed approaching Lennon to get him to stick his autograph on the Double Fantasy album. Then, later in the day, Chapman shot Lennon outside his home. That’s not a very nice thing to do (even if it did spare us from any potential embarrassing ’80s output from Lennon. Yeah, we’re being a bit selfish on that one).

The dealer, who is selling this grisly piece of pop culture said that the LP was found by a maintenance man in a planter and handed over to police. Officials later returned it to the owner, “with a letter of extreme gratitude from the district attorney”.

A spokesman for the seller says:

“The album is the most extraordinary artefact in rock’n'roll history. I have never come across a piece with such provenance. Police reports, fingerprint documentation, letters from the [district attorney], it goes on and on.”

The original owner sold the LP for $150,000 (£94,000) in 1999, and now, it’s looking like it could fetch up to $850,000 (£535,000).

The chap who is selling the album is keeping his identity secret.

“[He] doesn’t want to be named because he received death threats,”

Not from Chapman though because he’s serving a sentence of 20 years to life and is continually denied parole year on year. Of course, if you want in on Lennon’s death (let’s face, everyone does these days), but can’t afford over a half a million quid to buy one of Lennon’s weakest albums, you should be aware that we’re selling a t-shirt regarding Mark Chapman, to be worn the next time you go watching The Bootleg Beatles.

What do you mean it’s in bad taste? Worse taste than Apple Corps butchering of ‘Real Love’? Give us a break!

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John Lennon wrote some great songs didn’t he? He’s responsible for more great songs than your average band manages in a lifetime twice as long as Lennon’s musical career. As it would have been Lennon’s birthday this weekend, everyone has been heaping praise on The Beatles’ number one corpse.

However, we don’t much care for eyeless fawning at hecklerspray and knowing damn well that all musicians deserve to be treated with utter contempt, we’d like to put forward the reasons why John Lennon, when he was in the mood, was one of the worst song-writers on the planet.

And he was y’know?

Of course, there’s some of you out there who will be appalled at the very notion of such a list. Sure, everyone is entitled to make a few duff records now and again… but with Lennon, it’s worth reminding ourselves of just how utterly awful he could be.

Seriously. Don’t canonise him. He made some absolute howlers. And, for once, this is a Worst Lennon/Beatle list that won’t include Revolution #9.

Why? Mainly because it’s a boring choice and furthermore, Revolution #9 is really funny. It’s a lovely artefact of what happens when the lunatics take over the asylum.

Anyway, here’s a bunch of really crappy John Lennon songs.

Dear Yoko

‘Dear Yoko’ is, no questions, the worst thing Lennon ever committed his voice to. It’s saccharine and topplingly woeful. This is from 1980′s ‘Double Fantasy’ album which is dreadful start-to-finish and perhaps a beacon of what would have come should Lennon have survived Mark Chapman’s murderous afternoon. It’s listening to this that, pop-culturally at least, we can be grateful that Lennon is no longer with us.

Imagine

A terrible record. Lennon preaches about imagining no possession and being a dreamer. Fair enough, if you’re a multi-millionaire who has piss-all else to do in a day. Life in the late ’60s and early ’70s wasn’t that great for people, so mewing at them with sixth form philosophies is a bit rich. It’s like a fat man telling you to eat healthily. Of course, this is not a new theory and has been wheeled out time and time again against Lennon, but y’know, that’s for a very good reason.

Luck Of The Irish

One of the posterboys for why musicians and politics shouldn’t mix. Lennon creates a half-baked protest song which naively suggests that certain Irish people might wish they were English. It’s around this time that (allegedly) Lennon gave a load of money to the IRA, which is nice. Some of his ‘world peace’ vision may well have contributed to a nail-bomb that killed someone completely innocent. Give peace a chance, eh John?

Do You Want To Dance?

Here’s an idea. When you’ve completely run out of ideas, why not do a covers LP? Hey! Why not take a stone-cold classic and do a cod-reggae version of it? That’s a good idea isn’t it? No? WELL WHY DID NO-ONE TELL JOHN PISSING LENNON THEN?

Woman Is The Nigger Of The World

Ah! Lennon drops the N-bomb to shock us all and junk! Yeah man! RIGHT ON! Wimmins Lib! You tit.

Come Together

A Beatle classic that remains as one of the most underwhelming album openers ever cut to wax. It’s slow, plodding and despite a couple of evocative lyrics in there, is incredibly dull indeed. Michael Jackson tackled it and couldn’t even spice it up.

(Just Like) Starting Over

Listening to this track is amazing painful. A happy John Lennon is not necessarily a talented one. The backing vocals in this song sound like the house band on an Eighties chat show. You can feasibly imagine Tom O’Connor tapping along on his driving wheel to this and imagining it as the theme-tune to his comeback show. Awful.

Watching The Wheels

“People say I’m crazy… doing what I’m doing…“. Nope. People say “Shit. He’s lost it.” Hokey ‘Oooh! People don’t understand me! I’m a bit of a maverick see?’ shows that Lennon is completely divorced from reality. Throughout the ’70s, men started staying home more often and baking bread after the fall-out of hippiedom, but here we find Lennon under the illusion that he’s the only man in the world who decided to take a step-back from the rat-race. Songwriting so stationary that you could hang your coat on it.

Have we missed any? Feel free to inform us of other Lennon turkeys in the comments. Or, if you prefer, you can simply say “OH YEAH? AND WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE FOR THE WORLD?” It’s entirely up to you.

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The day John Lennon died, the world lost one of its greatest talents. However, it also cemented a legacy as well, because, shortly before Lennon died, he was making records so bad that people started to doubt the assumed wisdom that ears were an evolutionary advantage.

Basically, John Lennon’s death ensured that his quality output would always outnumber his criminal records (something which cannot be said for Paul McCartney).

However, the collective we can’t help but wonder what Lennon would have done had he lived. Would he have had another creative spurt which would turn music on its head? Would he have let Jools Holland play that awful boogie-woogie piano on his TV appearances? Yoko Ono has a theory and it involves him pissing about on the internet.

For reasons unclear, Ono has said that John Lennon would have approved of the internet. Of course, the internet would have gone ahead with or without the Beatle seal of approval, but y’know, he would have loved it all the same.

Whether he’d have massive hissy fits over illegal downloads and keep The Beatles’ back catalogue from appearing on Spotify and iTunes is a different matter altogether.

He definitely would have sat around watching loads of porn though, that we can be pretty certain of.

Ono said on The Andrew Marr Show:

“I think he would have been going very strong and creative still.

“I think he would have been very interested in playing [on] the computer because he always jumped on some new media and that is a very interesting new media.”

Playing on the computer? That prompts the image of a dribbling Lennon in a poindexter hat, haplessly poking at buttons and gurgling with glee at the flashing pop-adverts.

Anyway, seeing as we’re based on the internet and Yoko reckons that Lennon would approve of the online world, we’ll take that to mean this:

HECKLERSPRAY: Approved by John Lennon.

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Heard anything from The Beatles recently? You know, that cutting-edge modern band who single-handedly incorporated the sound of feeding zebras into recordings.

Oh wait, hang on a second, you mean to say that The Beatles haven’t released a record in decades and that the army of fanboys who refuse to listen to anything else but crackly vinyl recordings of the Fab Four will continually sing their praises?

It seems that Beatles fever hasn’t been confined to Liverpool, as scores of fans will froth at the mouth every time the name of Paul McCartney, John Lennon or George Harrison is mentioned. But never Ringo Starr. Everyone knows he did nothing but tap the drums and make everyone mugs of tea. Even we’d probably be interested in hearing unheard songs from the Scouse band, but buying a used toilet from one of them? That’s perhaps taking it a bit too far, especially if it comes complete with skidmarks.

Normally, an autograph from a musician, or a cuddle, or even a kiss, is enough for most fans to make some sort of connection to their hero. Fans of The Beatles however, take things to the next level in terms of who can collect the most obscure, pointless and tatty items. Guitar plectrums and stolen setlists from gigs won’t do. Instead, the stakes are raised to stalker level as items most people would throw in a skip have been bought for daft amounts of money from socially shy hardcore Beatles lovers.

So what do we have on sale for one lucky bidder? Original handwritten lyrics complete with tippex marks and coffee stains? How about a mountain of snapped guitar strings during the recording of The White Album? Or perhaps some used drug paraphernalia from the crazy times? You could literally become blood brothers with Paul McCartney.

Sadly, none of these were available. The item of the day was something that has been sitting in its former owner’s shed for forty years. And why hasn’t it been on proud display in John Hancock’s living room? Because the possession in question is so rubbish you’d literally shit into it. Up for grabs was John Lennon’s toilet, used 1969-1972. Perhaps he only had an eye for toilets, such as this porcelain beauty used whilst he lived at Tittenhurst Park, Berkshire. BBC News reports:

“It was expected to sell for £1,000 but the investor broke the estimate at the 33rd Beatles Convention in Liverpool.”

£1000? For a toilet? For that sort of money, we’d want some sort of crazy contraption which wiped your arse and made your farts smell all fuzzy and nice, like roses or baked bread. How you’d find about one of these mental fan auctions isn’t clear, but eventually someone relented and couldn’t literally lick the rim that John Lennon sat on. BBC News reports again:

“An overseas collector has paid £9,500 for John Lennon’s toilet at an auction in Liverpool.”

So a mystery overseas bidder pissed all over the dreams of other creepy mental Beatles fans. The only item to outdo this would be to purchase a chunk of John Lennon’s brain in a jar of pickled head juice after it found a temporary home on a New York pavement.

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Did you know that you are legally obliged, when working for Hecklerspray, to attend Bootleg Beatles concerts in a t-shirt that says ‘I’m a Bootleg Mark Chapman’? It’s true. That’s the initiation process they make you go through. If you’re trolling people online, you have to have the nerve to do it in real life in front of mental Beatlefans.

Which clumsily brings us the news of Mark Chapman – he’s the man who shot John Lennon dead – and his parole.

Frequently, Mark Chapman asks to be released from the Attica prison in New York and he’s constantly knocked back… and he’s due a hearing soon.

Understandably, Yoko Ono has once again written to the parole board at the prison opposing the release of Chapman.

Chapman is scheduled to be interviewed by the board next week (August 9th onward) with regard to gaining release. Of course, he is serving 20 years to life for shooting Lennon outside the Dakota Building New York in December 1980.

Ono’s lawyer Peter Shukat confirmed that a letter had been sent to the board, but refused to say whether it was the same one she has routinely submitted every two years since 2000.

The circumstances of the day Chapman shot Lennon make for eerie reading, as he re-enacted scenes from Catcher in the Rye around New York.

He then got Lennon’s autograph on the copy of (the then) new LP, Double Fantasy. Chapman said of the event:

“I waited until he came back. He knew where the ducks went in winter, and I needed to know this” (a reference to The Catcher in the Rye). Chapman shot Lennon five times, before taking out his copy of Catcher in the Rye and read it until the police arrived.

Chapman stated, “I’m sure the large part of me is Holden Caulfield, who is the main person in the book. The small part of me must be the Devil.”

Brrr.

Ono has consistently stated that, away from her personal feelings toward Chapman, she also feels that he should remain in prison for his own safety.

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Lost season premieres are a mix of feverish anticipation and universal befuddlement.

Now, penetrating the heart of the island, we’re going to deconstruct the latest double episode, LA X, with the microscopic precision of the best forum-dwelling underling you can find.

To recap: The last season ended on typically unusual grounds – with some of the survivors underground and others inside an ancient Egyptian toe. Still, with Ben getting the grumps with the god-like Jacob, Locke turning out to be an evil doppelganger and Juliet detonating a nuclear bomb, it sent the whole premise in a giant tailspin.

So, keeping a sharp mind, we point out the bits you should have been paying attention to in Friday night’s new episode:

In traditional Lost rug-pulling fashion, we start off back on Oceanic 815, with the bomb detonation resulting in a reset – except things are slightly different. Jack is back on the plane, with a look suggesting he either remembers something about the Island or the person sitting next to him has just guffed. Probably the former, given the mysterious cut on his neck (a pre-bomb battle scar?) and his surroundings.

Differences from the original plane to note: Bernard managing to take a crap in the toilet without falling out the back of the plane, Hobbit Charlie choking on his drugs, Season one’s Boone minus his sister Shannon, the air hostess deciding not to give Jack as much booze as in the original and Hurley being uncursed by the numbers.

Most importantly, Scotsman Desmond was on the plane, instead of sitting in a room pushing buttons every 108 minutes in a life far too depressingly similar to ours. Jack seems to recognise him as well, which, is probably significant.

After we’ve seen Bizzaro Oceanic Flight 815, the show cuts to a circa ‘95 Windows screensaver, plunging the viewer underwater to reveal the Island’s more aquatic location in this alt-verse.

In another interesting turn of events, it appears we are back on the island, with Jack and co also being flung forward to present time (well, 2007), now creating two timelines. Clearly the nuclear device was the most non-effective of all time, as everybody seems to have survived the blast.

In 2007 we are also back with the now evil Locke (Cocke, as the kids are sure to call him) acting all self-important after convincing Ben to do away with his nemesis Jacob. Not an episode for peripheral supporting players, he soon rains down pain by turning into the smoke monster and killing three people. When he turns back into Cocke, he apologises to Ben for seeing him like that, sounding like a guilty teenager after his mum has absently caught him masturbating. He also mentioned being a bit homesick as well, bless him.

As the episode decides to spiral more into lunacy, Hurley takes the gang on a mission to save Sayid at dead Jacob’s behest (he can see dead people). They visit The Temple, the seemingly tribal grounds of The Others (did you spot ex-air hostess Cindy?) and playing home to John Lennon and that bloke from Sunshine. Here, they dunk Sayid underwater to boil for twenty minutes or so until tender, leaving him to cool down for a further ten until resurrected from the dead, serving us a satisfying climax to the episode.

Lost Season six launches by copying Sliding Doors – having two different timelines running parallel – but instead of having to watch John Hannah we get an actual charismatic Scotsman. Time travel, dead people, smoke monsters, underwater islands and John Lennon; Lost is either the most brilliantly audacious and absurd show on television or a complete load of mythological turd. We dunno which either, but we’ll be back for more.

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A few things immediately leapt out at us after viewing this advert.

First of all, John Lennon was dead the last time we checked. So how could he donate his cheeky Scouse tones to a charity appeal nearly thirty years after his death? Did the cocktail of drugs he took in his lifetime finally cause his decayed corpse to rise from the dead and seek out charitable causes? Though it would be slightly creepy and cool, it turns out that pesky Yoko Ono has donated his voice and image to the campaign. Now we know you can donate these alongside blood, sperm and the flu.

Now, don’t get us wrong, the campaign is a great one – it supplies computers to the world’s poorest children, so that they can read hecklerspray and leave badly-spelt comments for us to laugh at. But, really, the advert’s creators should have chosen someone other than John Lennon. He hails from Liverpool, so he’ll no doubt be able to get the laptops a little bit cheaper off the back of a lorry from his mate’s brother’s cousin.

Once a Scouser always a Scouser. Even from beyond the grave.

If you’ve ever liked a popular band such as B*Witched, S Club Juniors or Shed 7 then you’ll have realised that the press quickly stops running stories on them when they split up.

The same rule of thumb however doesn’t apply if you happened to enjoy the titillating musical delights of The Beatles, though.

Liverpool’s finest export have been delighting music lovers for generations. Their songs about peace, love and the results of multiple drug binges helped them to keep a presence in the public eye. During their career, The Beatles didn’t do much to piss anyone off, apart from the time John Lennon claimed that his band were “more popular than Jesus” in 1966. For 42 years, The Vatican has never forgiven the Beatle for what he said. But in a swift change of heart, they’ve decided to kiss and make up. Not literally of course, kissing the corpse of a dead man would be sick and wrong.

Since The Beatles split up, the four members have been doing their own respective thing. Paul McCartney continued to knock out record after record, tour around the world, get threatened by terrorists and marry a peg-legged vegan who he eventually managed to shake off. Ringo Starr on the other hand evolved into moody old bastard who would shout at the people who supported him and make crap records about Liverpool which made everyone cry.

George Harrison never really had any crazy moments during his solo career – though if today’s society is anything to go by, we expect a salmon farmer to come forward and claim that George Harrison signed him the deeds to his entire assets after a night on the drugs in the old days.

It was John Lennon who gave one of the most memorable quotes during the legacy of The Beatles. During an interview with the London Evening Standard newspaper in 1966, he said:

“Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink. I needn’t argue with that; I’m right and I will be proved right. We’re more popular than Jesus now. I don’t know which will go first – rock ‘n’ roll or Christianity. Jesus was all right but his disciples were thick and ordinary. It’s them twisting it that ruins it for me.”

Now if Lennon had actually said The Beatles were bigger then Jesus, he could have technically been right. Remember, Jesus had been kicking around the planet a few thousand years before the band had been born. In terms of physical height, we’re pretty confident that Jesus would have been quite a small chap. Thanks to something called evolution, John Lennon would have surely been taller than him. Even if it was by a few inches.

Because the Vatican Church been keeping up with the latest events in pop culture, they’ve finally decided that John Lennon was having a bit of a joke. The Vatican newspaper L’Osservatore Romano which normally reports on hot topics involving The Pope has issued a statement about the incident. Remember, John Lennon was killed in 1980 – perhaps it was a slow news at L’Osservatore Romano regarding The Pope. Or he fell off the toilet and injured himself and they didn’t want to make The Pope look like a stupid twat. Anyway, the newspaper issued a statement saying that Lennon was:

“Showing off, bragging by a young English working-class musician who had grown up in the age of Elvis Presley and rock and roll and had enjoyed unexpected success.”

Of course, it all makes sense now! He was a mischievous rascal from Liverpool who was easily influenced by a cheeseburger-munching American, so all is forgiven. We have to blame Elvis instead for corrupting the mind of an innocent youth. All because the Vatican says so.

With the hatchet buried between the two, we can only hope that Jim Davidson gives every ethnic minority a cuddle to make up for being an obnoxious old bastard to them and that Bono will finally realise no-one cares about him, his music or his plans to single handily save Africa.

Well we can imagine can’t we?