Britney Spears asking if Hinduism was like Kabbalah? No surprise. Lynne Spears writing a parenting guide with one daughter a pregnant schoolgirl and another daughter in a mental hospital? Saw it coming.

Jamie Lynn Spears getting underage liposuction on her stomach because she was getting fat but didn’t realise it was because she was pregnant? No, wait, that is actually profoundly stupid. So it’s just as well that Jamie Lynn Spears said it didn’t happen, then, even though everyone else said it did.

These members of the Spears family are really starting to make our blood boil. They just sit there, completely inert, until Britney Spears decides to release an album – at which point they all leap to life, hoping that they can catch a glimmer of Britney’s limelight to demonstrate a new facet of their perpetual cluelessness.

Just today Kevin Federline decided to use Britney’s fleeting moment of glory to blame his own children for his divorce in print, and now it seems like Jamie Lynn Spears might have had liposuction during pregnancy because she didn’t understand why she was getting so fat. What next? A story about Sean Preston cutting his face off with Crayola? A YouTube video of Old Nanna Spears walking into a closed screen door 150 times over the course of half an hour?

But anyway, back to our original point. Rumours are circulating that Jamie Lynn Spears had liposuction treatments on her stomach while she was pregnant with her daughter because she couldn’t understand why she was getting all, like, fat and crap. The Boston Herald reports:

The teenage star discovered that weight was piling on and pleaded with her mom, Lynne, to let her get liposuction, Star Magazine reports. “She didn’t know she was pregnant when she filled out the health questionnaire prior to the procedure,” a source said. “Her mom approved the injections and went through tons of red tape to get the clinic to administer them to an underage patient.”

Now, we feel we should point out that Jamie Lynn Spears has denied these claims, but we don’t know if that’s better or worse. Ask yourself this – would you rather unknowingly blunder into a liposuction procedure despite being pregnant, or would you rather people just thought that you were such a bafflingly stupid shitclump that pregnant liposuction was a perfectly feasible thing to expect from you? Jamie Lynn Spears can’t really win either way, can she?

We’ve been here before, of course. Remember when it was claimed that Jamie Lynn Spears had got pregnant again because she thought that breastfeeding was a natural contraceptive? Turns out that wasn’t true. See? Jamie Lynn Spears is a lot more intelligent than you give her credit for.

And that other time, too, when Jamie Lynn Spears was so scared of telling anyone about her pregnancy that she had to write a letter about it and hand it to her mother? Yeah, that one wasn’t true eith…

Wait, that one was true? Dear God. We retract everything.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Contrary to yesterday’s reports, it’s been announced that Jamie Lynn Spears definitely isn’t pregnant. And that comes from one of the most trusted sources around. No, not a doctor or a family member or Jamie Lynn Spears herself – we’re talking big league here.

How big league? Unnamed person who lives in the same town as Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother and would expect to have probably been told about it already if it was true big league. So, in summary, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because her mother hasn’t been skipping down the street haphazardly blabbing her family’s dark secret to random strangers. We hope that clears things up.

Even though the economy is in freefall and we’re plummeting towards global recession and there’s every chance we’ll all finish this week huddled round a brazier cooking rats on sticks in ill-fitting secondhand clothes, the really terrifying news didn’t come from the financial world at all.

No, the really terrifying news was that Jamie Lynn Spears was eight weeks pregnant even though she only gave birth to her last baby three and a bit months ago. Actually, the really terrifying news was that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again because she spuriously believed that your fanny stops working when you breastfeed, but we’ll leave that one particular nugget alone for the time being.

However, even though the report originally claiming that Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again was full of believable touches – like the way that Jamie Lynn Spears couldn’t stop crying when she found out, or that her mother Lynne Spears was ‘hysterical’ at the news, it turns out that it was all wrong.

In actuality, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant at all. We know this because an anonymous stranger who could live in a tree for all that anyone knows said so. E! Online reports:

A source who lives in Jamie Lynn’s native Kentwood, La., tells E! News: “I talk to [her mom] Lynne all the time. Believe me, she would have mentioned if that little girl is expecting again. That’s just a bunch of made-up crap.”

Actually, as theories go, that’s probably fairly untouchable – Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because one arbitrary nobody who just happens to live quite near Lynne Spears hasn’t heard about it. It’s not that Lynne Spears was trying to keep the secret under wraps because she’s ashamed or anything. Don’t be silly.

Genius. In fact, we’re so impressed by this theory that we’re going to base our entire belief system around this wise Kentwood sage – if they don’t know about it, we’re going to say with 100% certainty that it doesn’t even exist. The Higgs boson particle? A bunch of made-up crap. The planet Neptune? A bunch of made-up crap. Toothpaste? A bunch of made-up crap.

But let’s just say this source is right, and Jamie Lynn Spears really isn’t pregnant again. You know what this means? You really can’t get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding! Get to it, new teenage mothers!

Or at least Jamie Lynn Spears might be pregnant again. Just four short months after giving birth to her first baby, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is reportedly eight weeks up the duff with her second baby. And, if the reports are true, Jamie Lynn Spears reacted the same way any proud mother would if they discovered that they were bringing new life into the world – by “crying her eyes out.”

This is, it’s claimed, because Jamie Lynn Spears thought that it was impossible to get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding. And if that’s the case, the message is clear – stay in church, kids. It certainly worked for Jamie Lynn.

Now that Britney Spears has hit the straight and narrow hard in order to promote that song of hers where she just says ‘womanizer’ a bunch of times, it’s down to the other members of the Spears clan to pick up the slack in the ‘unsettlingly berserk’ department. And we’re sure that Britney will be incredibly grateful when she sees what you might have just done, Jamie Lynn Spears.

You might remember that, just four short months ago, Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby that she conceived when she was just 16 years old. Her pregnancy seemed to be comprised of various sad-faced magazine covers and handwritten letters to her mother explaining the pregnancy because she was too shamefaced to tell her out loud.

But that’s all in the past. Now Jamie Lynn Spears has learnt her lesson from her last unexpected pregnancy, and she’s determined to put all that behind her to become the most responsible parent that she can… oh, Jesus Christ, she hasn’t, has she? Jamie Lynn Spears has got pregnant again? Already? What a massive donkey turd. NME reports:

Britney Spears sister Jamie Lynn is reportedly pregnant with her second child, just three months after becoming a mother to a baby girl. The report in the National Enquirer said that Spears was not aware that one could become pregnant while breastfeeding. The teenager reportedly “cried her eyes out” when a home pregnancy test came back positive.

By the way, unborn Spears kid, if you happen to be reading this in the year 2021, then just take a look at that last paragraph again. You made your mother cry. And your granny went hysterical when she found out too, the article says. Why did you do that? You evil child. This is all your fault! Bad unborn Spears baby! Bad!

If this report is true, then Jamie Lynn Spears has managed to trump even her sister’s record of getting accidentally pregnant again quite quickly after childbirth. Congratulations, Jamie Lynn! You’re number one!

And, while we’re sure this is a scary time for you, with the responsibility of caring for two newborn babies instead of just one bearing down on you and all, but you need to see the positives in all of this. In a few months you’ll have two beautiful healthy children to look after. That’s like double the happiness.

Plus at least this way Lynne Spears gets to write another book about what a couple of shitboxes her children are.

Because, apparently, somebody actually thinks that. There’s currently a huge investigation going on in America after a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding with a boob exposed was apparently copied several times with the intention to post them onto the internet or sell them for profit. And since Jamie Lynn Spears is under the age of 18, the thief could technically be hauled up on a pornography charge.

We think we should probably point out at this juncture that the allegedly stolen photo is of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding her baby, and not of Jamie Lynn Spears being breastfed by her own mother. We know that Jamie Lynn Spears is only young, but that’s no excuse for weirdness.

You know what gives us the horn? Pictures of sexually-irresponsible teenagers having their knockers chewed on by babies. Phwoar.

Of course, we’re joking. If we had to make a list of all the sexiest things in the world, that scenario we just described would be right near the bottom, sandwiched right between ‘your nan doing a striptease to Push It by Salt-N-Pepa‘ and ‘1950s production line videos about minced beef’. But it sounds as if there’s one stone-cold lunatic in the world that does find the idea of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding sexy and, worse still, they think that others might as well.

You see, when she’s not writing notes that make her mother cry or failing to be empathetic towards other sexually-clumsy teenagers, Jamie Lynn Spears has a baby to raise. And, as everybody knows, part of raising a baby as its mother involves jabbing your tit in its mouth from time to time to stop it crying.

And, of course, part of raising a baby as its father involves taking photos of the mother with her tit out, even though you’re basically mugging her of her precious dignity, and then getting the photo printed at Wal-Mart fully aware that several other people will see your teenage girlfriend’s breast in the process and possibly make copies of that breast and try to illegally distribute it for fun and/or profit.

In that case, Jamie Lynn Spears’ boyfriend Casey Aldridge is doing a bang-up job, because a photo of Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding that was taken on his camera and printed at a local Wal-Mart could have been duplicated several times by an employee, sparking a federal pornography investigation. The Sun reports:

Casey took a memory card of 12 family pictures to be developed at his local Wal-Mart in Louisiana. In the offending snap, Jamie Lynn’s left breast is exposed as she feeds daughter Maddie. Because she is under 18, selling the pictures, or buying them, could constitute a violation of federal laws prohibiting pornography – even though they weren’t taken for sexual purposes.

Whoever allegedly made copies of these Jamie Lynn Spears breastfeeding photos must be terrified at the moment – going to jail is bad enough, but going to jail because you got aroused by the sight of 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears’ dribbly tit, and knowing that you’ll have to use the phrase ‘Jamie Lynn Spears’ dribbly tit’ when explaining your gap in employment during all future job interviews, is bound to put the fear of God into you.

But this story isn’t anywhere near as bad as it seems. For instance, Jamie Lynn Spears hasn’t lost the photo of her breastfeeding her baby, she just mistaken allowed it to possibly be copied by someone. And, so long as she still has the original photo, and therefore still has something to show her baby’s appalled friends in years to come, all’s not lost.

And sometimes the only way to sell copies of your memoir about what a slapdash job you appear to have done of raising your children is to discuss that highly private letter on live TV.

Lynne Spears knows that only too well, because she’s been pimping her new book Britney Spears: My Part In Her Downfall by telling the Today show about the hilarious time that Jamie Lynn Spears was so eaten up by the crippling shame of her teenage pregnancy that she couldn’t even tell Lynne about it face to face and had to write a note instead – a note which left Lynne Spears weeping with uncontrollable anguish and the stark realisation that she’d unquestionably failed as a mother. Good times.

It’s always nice to see people learn from their mistakes, isn’t it? Take Lynne Spears, for example. She’s made her mistakes in the past – like the time she pushed her two kids into showbusiness from an exceptionally young age at the cost of their childhood just so that she could piggyback on their fame – but you won’t see her doing anything like that again.

No sir. It may have taken one horrifying mental breakdown and a teenage pregnancy to work that out, but it doesn’t matter, because Lynne Spears will never exploit her childrens’ fame again – so much so that she’s started doing television appearances to promote her book about never exploiting her childrens’ fame again.

Lynne Spears’ book Britney Spears: A Warning From History has already made the headlines for the way that it reveals how Britney Spears lost her viginity as a child. But, worried that she might be giving a false impression that Britney is her only car-crash offspring, Lynne Spears has gone on TV to explain what a monstrous little brat Jamie Lynn Spears is as well.

Oh, we’re only kidding. It’s unfair to call Jamie Lynn Spears a monstrous little brat just because she got knocked up while she was still at school. But it’s totally cool to imply that she is by suggesting that she was too cowardly to verbally admit her pregnancy to her mother and had to resort to a scrawled note instead. So we’ll do that.

After all, it’s what Lynne Spears sort of did herself on the Today show yesterday. She said:

“I thought it was a joke… I kept waiting for the punch line. I was just truly in shock and then I started to cry. And then she started consoling me at that point.”

Actually, what Lynne Spears doesn’t understand is that it actually was just a joke. Jamie Lynn Spears – notorious prankster that she is – had in fact written the following on the back of the note:

“Punk’d! I totally just punk’d you mom. Of course I’d never get pregnant! I’m only 16 and wouldn’t dream of having sex, especially with this stupid-faced idiot. I mean, look at him. He looks like the product of decades of institutionalised incest. This couldn’t possibly be anything but a ridiculous joke.”

However, Lynne Spears took the news so badly with all the tears and the self-blame that Jamie Lynn Spears decided that, rather than admit to the joke and confuse her mother any further, she’d go and immediately get pregnant anyway, even though it’d ruin the rest of her life.

Oh Lynne Spears, if only you’d have turned the note over, life would have been so very different. Mostly in that we wouldn’t have had to keep writing about your sodding book all the bloody time.

How famous? Famous enough that she gets swarmed by the paparazzi whenever she goes to an airport. Like yesterday, for example, when there were so many photographers bundling over themselves to grab a shot of Jamie Lynn Spears that she needed a large police escort to protect her.

Except she didn’t. It was all a trick. The police weren’t escorting Jamie Lynn Spears through the airport at all – they were escorting a double to fool the paparazzi while Jamie Lynn Spears could quietly slip out of another exit unnoticed. It’s awful and we demand an investigation. Not because of the waste of police resources, you understand – because people actually wanted to take Jamie Lynn Spears’ picture in the first place. Heads will roll for this, mark our words.

Not a good day for the paparazzi yesterday, really. First Kanye West went all berserk and smashed everyone’s cameras up until he got arrested, then hardly anyone got any decent underwear shots of female celebrities getting out of cars, and then – just to make matters worse – they were tricked into taking all kinds of pictures of a woman who they thought was Jamie Lynn Spears but wasn’t.

According to reports, Jamie Lynn Spears was flying into LAX yesterday to visit her sister, the absolutely definitely much better because she wore a shiny dress on Sunday Britney Spears. However, word got out to the paparazzi, who stormed the airport hoping they could snare themselves a valuable picture of Britney’s younger, less famous, less interesting sister.

And that’s what they appeared to get, after several police officers were seen escorting a young blonde lady in sunglasses through the packs of paparazzi in the arrivals lounge. Except all their pictures were in vain – Jamie Lynn Spears pulled the old switcheroo on them by sending a double through the airport in her place and then sneaking out through a more discreet exit untroubled. As TMZ reports:

For some reason, the cops wanted to fool the paparazzi, so they got a random woman on that flight who kinda sorta looked like Jamie Lynn and asked her if they could escort her to baggage claim. She said yes, and the ruse began. By the way, we’ve learned there’s an internal investigation because some big wigs in the police department are pissed.

Never mind the police department, some of the paparazzi need their heads banging together for this. After all, the first rule of being a celebrity photographer is ‘If you can’t recognise them, they’re probably not worth photographing.’ Actually, that’s the second rule of being a celebrity photographer. The first rule is ‘If you really throw yourself down as low as possible when a female celebrity gets out of a car, you’re guaranteed a shot of her muff’. But you get the picture.

Anyway, of course the police chiefs are annoyed. The only thing worse than spending money protecting a Jamie Lynn Spears decoy is spending money protecting Jamie Lynn Spears herself. She’s a mother now, so she’s perfectly capable of barging her way through a crown not caring who she injures because suddenly she assumes it’s her God-given right to do that, thank you very much.

And, anyway, we always assumed that decoys were for heads of state and other potential assassination targets, not the younger sisters of mentally-unwell popstars. Not that Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t a potential assassination target, you understand. We expect that someone’s probably thought of killing her at one point or another. But, you know. It’s Jamie Lynn Spears. Who could possibly be bothered to actually go through all that effort?

No, no more decoys for Jamie Lynn Spears. She should know by now that celebrities have a different way of getting rid of unwanted attention in airports – by urinating in their pants like David Hasselhoff. Do that and nobody’s going to take your picture. Come to think of it, nobody’s going to want to have anything to do with you, you stinking piss monster.

So, yeah, do that next time.

You know those reports yesterday saying that Jamie Lynn Spears had sent Bristol Palin a bunch of baby gifts as a kindly reminder that she isn’t the only teenage girl to bring shame on her family by letting a redneck hump her without a condom until she got pregnant? Yeah, didn’t happen. Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne has denied the whole story.

If that’s the case, poor old Bristol Palin. It’s one thing to illuminate the schism between Sarah Palin’s personal and professional ideals while watching her unborn baby get hijacked as a political football by all sides, but getting the stinkeye from Zoey 101? That has to sting.

You know what? We’re starting to feel a little bit sorry for Bristol Palin. She’s just your average pregnant horny teenage girl from the backwoods who probably only became sexually active in the first place to make up for all the self-esteem she lost by being named after a crappy British town, and now she’s trapped in the middle of a giant political poofight.

And Bristol Palin can’t win – on one hand she’s cynically being held up as an example of the right’s ideological hypocrisy; and on the other the only people defending her seem to be angry idiots.

But worst of all, Bristol Palin’s not even going to get any free shit from Britney Spears’ sister out of this either.

Yesterday we reported that Jamie Lynn Spears had sent Bristol Palin some baby burp cloths because she knows what it’s like to be a randy teenager who doesn’t understand birth control properly. And it was a sweet story, too – Jamie Lynn Spears even wrote Bristol Palin a card saying “Dear Bristol: Hang in there!!!!! XOXO” which, while short on actual words, utilised teenage girls’ fondness for overaggressive punctuation in a staggeringly heartfelt way, we’re sure you’ll agree.

Except it didn’t happen. Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne has been quick to deny that anything was sent whatsoever, and that if Bristol Palin’s stupid baby ever belches crap all over Bristol Palin’s moronic back she should try wiping it off with her own hair or a pair of Sarah Palin’s grotty knickers. We’re paraphrasing. E! Online reports:

“I just got off the phone with Lynne. I can tell you that she hasn’t sent her any gifts, but that she does support Sarah and, of course, can empathize with their situation,” Curt Handling, Spears’ publicist at the Thomas Nelson publishing company, tells E! News.

We’re not sure if it was meant as one, but we’re taking that as a solid political endorsement of Sarah Palin from the Spears family. Sarah Palin must be so thrilled – at least now, if she ever becomes vice president, she knows she has an expert strategist on call should Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ever heighten international tensions by going out with no pants on or rubbing dogshit into his pretty frock during a photoshoot with OK! magazine or something.

But just because Sarah Palin’s doing alright out of this, it doesn’t mean that Bristol Palin is. Her one shot at having a celebrity friend who truly understands what it’s like to be too stupid to know how condoms work has been blown forever. After all, sometimes we think that trinkets from minor celebrities are the only good thing about having a baby.

Obscure pregnant Jesus girl from that film nobody saw – now’s your time to step up. Send Bristol a bib or something. Make things right, why don’t you.

So it is the rest of us find ourselves burdened with the unwelcome responsibility of literally flooding that country with entire tankers full of viable spooj. It’s a difficult task, and sometimes their Customs inspectors act like they really don’t even need out reproductive juices. In the end their desire to not die out as a people always wins out, and they stamp the paperwork in the right places and wave our caravans on through.

You’re welcome, Uganda.

Casey Aldridge knows what it is to be cursed with incredible fertility. After all – his knocking up of Jamie Lynn Spears is enough to prove that. If current rumors are to be believed, he’s so fertile that he was even risking another woman’s pregnancy while his precious schnooky-pie Spears was a plump 6 months pregnant.

Like we said, if rumors are to be believed.

Kelli Dawson is a 28 year old woman who wants nothing more than to attend a good prom and pretend like the night will never end. We’ve seen pictures of her, and think she’d look really nice wearing something with poofy green sleeves. Just an idea Kelli, you can wear what you like on your special night.

We actually don’t know if attending more proms is something she really looks forward to, but what we do know is it seems to have been a real possibility in the recent past – she claims to have been ‘hot & heavy’ with young Casey Aldridge while his man-milk magically multiplied into a baby deep inside Jamie Lynn Spears’ pink fortress.

As Monsters & Critics words things:

“Kelli Dawson, a 28 year-old who is the alleged “other woman” is talking about her relationship with Jamie Lynn’s man in the tabloids. Dawson says she met 19 year-old Casey back in November 2006 at the home of her sister. Casey was already dating Jamie Lynn, but according to Dawson that did not matter, they had sexual chemistry.”

You can’t deny love like that, can you? It’s like Antony and Cleopatra, its like that one prince and the Little Mermaid, its like Bruce Boxleitner and Ra, all powerful Egyptian god of the sun. It’s a love for the ages, destined to inspire poets & painters alike. And what specifically will inspire? Stories like this one – a quote from Dawson’s own mouth, according to In Touch Weekly:

“One morning, he called and asked me to meet him in town. I said, ‘You’re supposed to be on a flight right now,’ and he said, ‘I’m not going.’ He called Jamie Lynn and told her that she would have to go by herself. She was irate. I think she knew he was staying because of me.”

Quick! Somebody fetch us a quill, some Indian ink, and a piece of parchment with a delicately frayed border! We’ve got some rhymes a-formin’!

Never let it be said that people around the world are anything more than mindless drones, willing to copy any trend pushed in front of them.

So it comes as no surprise that half of the world’s media have jumped onto the fact that Jamie Lynn Spears‘ recent plopping-out of a baby and subsequent photoshoot with said ball of illegitimate flesh could have an effect on teenage pregnancy levels around the world. Because young girls are even more stupid than the everyday moron.

The world is sure to become a much worse place. Despair once again sets in.

It’s something that reads just like the synopsis of the film Idiocracy – those in the lower echelons of the IQ leagues tend to breed more, and we, the educated elite (like the hive mind that is hecklerspray) will soon be overwhelmed. And the 17-year-old sister of a mentally ill popstar having a baby is sure to make that process go a little bit faster. Don’t be afraid to let out a big sigh at that thought, we’re with you through this: the destruction of society as we know it.

So while we’re all being overwhelmed by the CREDIT CRUNCH and fearing for our lives on the streets literally covered with KNIFE CRIME we will now have to put up with every single underage girl in the country getting pregnant too. Life just gets harder and harder, and it’s all the bloody media’s fault. Oh, wait, we’re part of the media… err… we meant to say: it’s all OK! Magazine’s fault for printing that front cover with Jamie Lynn Spears on it.

Good save.

There are, of course, those out there that claim the cover and article for the magazine do nothing to promote promiscuity in youngsters. Instead, they simply show that Jamie Lynn is a responsible young adult, capable of handling herself in the big, bad world and probably not going mad, shaving her head and losing her kids.

These people are wrong.

So it may be something of an exaggeration to claim that every 16-year-old girl in the world is going to fall instantly preggers, but hey – hecklerspray isn’t one to understate. The fact of the matter is young girls suffer from being more impressionable than most other demographics and have to cope with the constant barrage of ‘me too’ celebrity culture that infects their every waking hour. When one of their contemporaries falls pregnant and goes very, very public with the details, well – it’s going to have an effect. Anyone who claims otherwise is a fat idiot. The fact that young Miss Spears picked up a hefty wodge of cash in the deal will just serve to push a few more insecure, confused youngsters over the edge.

But no, not so according to the editor of OK!, Rob Shuter, who spoke to Newsweek:

“I think it’s a very sensitive subject. I can totally understand why people have concerns about it. I can tell you too it’s nothing Jamie Lynn hasn’t had to deal with herself on a daily basis. This young girl has made some very hard choices … She can only talk about her own circumstances but she certainly is not a spokesperson for teen pregnancy. I think what we try to do in this story really carefully is say that this is Jamie Lynn’s story. This is not a girl at a high school story. This is a story about Jamie Lynn and her exceptional story in really, really unique circumstances and how she’s making decisions. That’s what this is about. We don’t set out to be the moral authority. We try to present the facts and let our readers decide.”

Shuter then went on to single-handedly destroy his own arguments as to why the article didn’t glamourise teenage pregnancy with one sentence:

“Babies are the new “it” factor in the celebrity market.”

Sigh. At least she looks good on the cover though, right?

But hey – let’s not take away from the fact that the rest of society as we know it is also full of utter, utter peons with all the intelligence and imagination of a rusty bagel. The kind of people who eat up buzzwords and end up using the term ‘carbon footprint’ without immediately breaking down in waves of laughter. Don’t worry, little girls, you’re not the only stupid ones.

We’re just waiting for the ad campaign extolling the virtues of cancer, which will result in people actively trying to ‘catch’ the disease. Just as proof that people will follow anything they see as a trend. It’ll happen, just you wait.

So what does Jamie Lynn Spears think is fun? Sport? Watching TV, maybe? No – according to Jamie Lynn Spears, being a constant slave to a screaming little fleshbag that’s stolen the rest of your life and won’t respond to reason or logic is fun.

We’re referring, of course, to Jamie Lynn Spears’ new baby. Jamie Lynn has been frothing and fizzing about how brilliant it is to be a teenage mother to OK! as part of a $1 million deal with the magazine that’s thought to include rights to interviews, baby photos and the inevitable ‘I hate my baby and wish it was never born’ postnatal depression exclusive, pencilled in for Christmas.

There’s nothing that thrusts someone into maturity quite as fast as parenthood. Take Britney Spears for example. Before she gave birth to her first baby, Britney was a slip of a girl who couldn’t be trusted to make any decision for herself. But since she became a mother, Britney Spears has… no, wait, bad example.

Let’s take her sister Jamie Lynn Spears instead, then. True, Jamie Lynn may have shocked the world by getting pregnant while she was still at school to an older boy she met at church, but that mistake of hers has resulted in the creation of a new life that, while technically a Spears, still almost qualifies as completely human.

Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to her little bundle of sexual irresponsibility, a little girl named Maddie, last month. Since having her baby, Jamie Lynn Spears has been quietly sheltering it from media attention by raising it in Mississippi with her boyfriend, who may or may not be a ‘lying, cheating dog‘.

But now that baby Maddie is past that that all-important ‘10 days old’ mark, Jamie Lynn Spears has rightly guessed that now’s a good enough time to run screaming to the nearest magazine and blab endlessly about the tot for cash.

Which she has – this week’s OK! magazine has a cover featuring Jamie Lynn Spears and her new baby, and an interview with the new mother inside.

But before you start getting all judgmental about how it’s morally wrong to sell out a baby to a magazine when it’s too young to give its consent, think again.

Ever since she announced her pregnancy, Jamie Lynn Spears has had to battle presumptions that she’s too young to become a mother, and this OK! interview was the perfect chance for her to explain her feelings in a measured, well thought-out manner that would leave nobody questioning her emotional maturity.

So, Jamie Lynn Spears, the floor is yours. What profound insights can you give us on the subject of motherhood?

“I love taking care of her. It is so much fun. I just want to hug her and kiss her, and I’m happy all the time.”

Oh.

Well, never mind. Don’t forget that Jamie Lynn Spears is still only 17 years old, so you can’t expect her to be able to verbalise her thoughts as lucidly as others. Besides, it looks very much like Jamie Lynn Spears wants to be a full-time mother, and that means she won’t be starring in any more rubbishy TV shows. That baby really is a blessing.

So let’s just congratulate Jamie Lynn Spears on her new baby and pray it never succumbs to the mental illness issues that have plagued other members of her family.

That might just be for the best though, because as soon as anyone does show the slightest bit on interest in Jamie Lynn Spears, she flips out and gets them arrested for stalking her, which is what happened to photographer Edwin Merrino a couple of days ago.

Merrino denies the charges, but then again who can blame Jamie Lynn Spears for protecting her unborn child so fiercely? If she starts letting strangers get to close to it, then the baby might hear their voice and start to prenatally learn words and concepts that Jamie Lynn Spears herself doesn’t understand. Have you ever become the slave of a malevolent super-intelligent unborn baby dictator? It isn’t very bloody nice, trust us.

There was a time, perhaps you remember it, when Jamie Lynn Spears looked as if she was going to snatch the mantle of Most Famous Spears Sister away from Britney. It wasn’t particularly hard to do – she just needed to have unprotected sex with a lad from church until she got pregnant – but it didn’t quite pan out.

You see, any old fool can become a pregnant schoolgirl, but it takes real dedication to have a full-tilt meltdown and end up locked in a psychiatric hospital against your will. But even though she’ll always be the bridesmaid of Spears family inappropriate behaviour, Jamie Lynn Spears is still capable of snagging the odd headline for herself.

Of course, it helps if there’s someone stalking her. Which, according to her, there is. Jamie Lynn Spears has got photographer Edwin Merrino arrested for that very thing.

Why? What did this Merrino character do? Was it the old dildo package trick that the Spears family seems to get hit with so often? Perhaps he drew a picture of Jamie Lynn Spears dressed as a bride and digging his grave? No, not quite. Apparently Edwin Merrino was taking Jamie Lynn Spears’ photo. From 200 yards away. The stalky bastard. Did we mention that he was a photographer? E! Online reports:

Edwin Merrino, who was released later in the day after posting a $1,096 bond, has denied harassing the couple. He told the Associated Press Wednesday that he was at least 200 feet away from Spears and Aldridge when he was busted while trying to take a picture of them using a telephoto lens. “I just think since I was the only one there, it was just easier for them to single me out,” the Los Angeles-based shutterbug said, adding that he didn’t have much luck during the short time he was in the area.

Regardless of how guilty or not Edwin Merrino is, it’s easy to see Jamie Lynn Spears’ concern. Being trailed by the paparazzi affects her negatively in so many different ways.

Firstly, Jamie Lynn Spears has seen what constant media attention has done to her sister – she knows that you can only have your photo taken a finite amount of times before you suddenly shave your hair off and proclaim yourself to be the devil.

Secondly, Jamie Lynn Spears’ maternal instincts are probably kicking in hard quite, and she definitely won’t stand for anyone potentially harming the wellbeing of her kids by standing 200 yards away and aiming a small light-capturing box at them.

Also – and this is the most important explanation for Jamie Lynn Spears’ defensiveness – she’s quite a long way through the pregnancy now and so the chance of her getting a sudden huge contraction, falling to the floor and having the baby in a petrol station forecourt is quite high, and people like Merrino would be perfectly poised to snap pictures of the baby’s head crowning through Jamie Lynn’s genitals and then sell it to What Shit-Covered Birthing Teenager magazine for millions of dollars.

And forget invasion of privacy – if that ever happened Jamie Lynn Spears could kiss goodbye to getting a cheque for a spread in People magazine. And if she knew that she wasn’t going to get paid, Jamie Lynn would have probably never even bothered getting pregnant in the first place.

That’s because the gender of Jamie Lynn Spears’ unborn baby has apparently sneaked out. According to reports, Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne Spears was overheard telling people that Jamie Lynn’s having a little girl.

A girl! How wonderful for Jamie Lynn Spears. Now, with the gender determined, Jamie Lynn Spears and her boyfriend can start planning for the baby in full, by buying it a range of Little Slutz knickerless play outfits and a My First Pressure Your Baby Into Fame So You Can Vicariously Dine On Its Flesh toyset. Well, Jamie Lynn Spears will want to train her daughter up nice and early, won’t she.

Now that Miley Cyrus is the new tween slut queen on the block, the old tween slut queens have started to get restless. The attention isn’t on them any more, so they’re going to have to wrestle it back whatever it takes. While that’ll prove difficult for Vanessa Hudgens – who’d need an endoscope to show us more than she already has – it’s much easier for pregnant 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears.

As if the whole pregnant schoolgirl thing isn’t enough, Jamie Lynn Spears also has several other angles that she can work – there’s the Britney’s sister angle, the baby’s father is a ‘lying, cheating dog’ angle and, of course, the enduring classic, the letting your mother raise your baby while you pretend to be its sister angle. And if that’s not enough, Jamie Lynn has just got herself another angle.

And that’s because Jamie Lynn Spears’ unborn baby is apparently a little girl. It’s supposed to be a secret, though, so shhh. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Teen star Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother has let it slip that the pregnant actress is expecting a baby girl. The 17-year-old star stunned the world when she confirmed she was expecting her first child in December, and now her mom, Lynne, has been overheard telling friends the baby will be her first granddaughter. A source tells Life and Style magazine, “I heard Lynne talking about Jamie Lynn’s baby. She said Jamie Lynn and the baby’s dad (Casey Aldridge) were so excited when they found out it’s a girl.”

Of course they were excited – do you know how hard it is to relentlessly train a little boy for fame at the expense of a normal childhood and its mental wellbeing? Really bloody hard. On the other hand, tell a little girl that she looks like a princess and she’ll have Vaselined her teeth and learnt how to tapdance to Old MacDonald Had A Farm before you can say ‘Mouseketeer’.

Jamie Lynn Spears’ daughter is due at the end of June. She should savour these next couple of months, since statistically this is when Auntie Britney is least likely to drop her on her head or take her hostage or anything crazy like that.

Read more:

Jamie Lynn Spears Expecting a Girl - SFC

Jamie Lynn Spears has a problem. She's only 16 or something, and yet in her body lies a fatherless abomination festering in feminine hormones and lady grease. 

When Spears jr decided she wanted to be pregnant really, really bad, perhaps it was because she thought stretch marks would make her Zoey character all the more real. And it does. We see now that she's one of us, and that she may have been so all along.   

Now that she's the first line on a hitlist recently distributed to an elite Vatican strike force though, she better think of a way to unpregnant herself really fast. Either she should gently take the baby out and stuff it into a nice married lady, or she should get married herself. At 16. Which is the plan.   

Apparently.   

When Jamie Lynn Spears first announced to the world that she had a baby doing things inside her, people were all 'girl be trippin.' And then people were all 'Well what are we waiting for? Get the clay ready!' And then people did get the clay ready.   

But then the horrible reality set in. There just wasn't enough clay on Earth to sculpt Jamie's enormously swollen twin milk-makers. And then another horrible reality set in – Jamie was a 16 year old child giving birth to another 16 year old child. Give or take. Finally a third horrible reality set in – Spears would have to raise this child alone – with nothing but sheer will power and the aid of several dozen nannies paid for probably by her sister's owner/father.   

Unless she gets married that is. Yes, if Spears gets married then all her impending woes will melt away into the stereotypical American dream. We can see it now – she'll be able to make a family's worth of grilled cheese while her husband is outside teaching their child how to mow the lawn. She'll wave from the porch with her carefully chosen spouse as a UPS man approaches with a box full of birthday wishes from her child's grandma, and she'll probably part the living-room curtains to see her kindergarten-aged off-spring returning from a hard day's work at some famous rapper's clothing factory. Oh – also she apparently moved to Columbia or something. Ironic, her living the American dream and all.    

And who is she going to marry, you may ask? Rick Salomon. You read that right. Apparently Jaime Lynne Spears has gone and gotten herself engaged to the guy Pamela Anderson just erased forever. Or maybe Spears is marrying her baby-making boyfriend – we're really not striving for accuracy here. Unspecified sources tell us its the latter, though. They also said:    

"She's got an engagement ring. She's been showing it off, talking about it."   

Although a specific date has yet to be announced, we've heard the actual ceremony will take place sometime between third and fourth period in front of the second floor boys bathroom.

Poor goths – that's their special indoor smoking place.   

Read More:  

Report: Jaime Lynne Spears Sports New Engagement Ring – NY Daily News

No, Jamie Lynn Spears hasn't given birth, instead she's passed her high school equivalency GED exam. So, freed up from the stigma attached to being a pregnant schoolgirl, Jamie Lynn Spears can now stretch out her horizons and become the plain old pregnant non-schoolgirl teenage strumpet with a bleak regret-filled future that she's always longed to be.

Congratulations Jamie Lynn. Live the dream.

Everything's going just dandy for the Spears clan at the moment, wouldn't you say? First Britney Spears gets to see her kids again and now it's revealed that Jamie Lynne Spears has passed her GED exam – if Lynne Spears somehow manages to go back in time and make sure that she never got pregnant with either of her disappointing children to begin with then the family will have its hat-trick. 

But, anyway, this is about Jamie-Lynn Spears. Despite having an unborn baby growing inside her that – if our grasp of pregnancy is right – does nothing but scream foul-mouthed orders at her and chews on her spinal cord whenever she disobeys them, Jamie Lynn Spears has passed her GED exam, as People reports:

The Zoey 101 star passed her high school equivalency exam about a month ago – scoring particularly well on reading comprehension – and is looking to take the ACT college entrance test, the friend says. "She's already got her diploma," according to the friend. "She wants to take her ACT. She's not wasting any time. People don't know her. When she gets something in her head, she'll make it happen. Everybody is so supportive of her."

Interesting how this is basically a news story that marvels at the fact that Jamie Lynn Spears can read, isn't it. Anyway, now that high school is out of the way, Jamie Lynn Spears is able to go ahead and try for college – but not until she's decided on a course to enrol on. Will she take the degree in Pretending That You Wanted The Baby All Along Even Though You Secretly Resent It For Stealing Away Your Youth Forever, or will it be something more like Media Studies? Who knows!

The important thing is that Jamie Lynn Spears soaks up this moment because, as someone educated to high school level, Jamie Lynn has now become the intellectual of the Spears family. And now she can look forward to being the go-to gal whenever any of her relatives have a difficult question they can't answer, like 'What's 14 multiplied by four?' and 'Me leg ouch. Why me leg ouch?'

Read more:

Jamie Lynn Spears Passes Her GED Exam – People

More than anything it was a relief for Britney who could enjoy her own antics without being hassled by photographers. Hecklerspray was only vaguely aware that there was more than one Spears child, anyway, so we weren’t too bothered to find out that another Spears baby was going to be born. Jamie Lynn's sweet and innocent portrayal in Zoey 101 kind of fell flat on its arse after that. And now she’s been described a bit of a slag. Words every future mother wants to hear.

In times of need, like cleaning up vomit and trying to get used to the smell of baby poo, you need your friends around you. Right? We’d have thought so, but the friends of Jamie Lynn Spears don’t agree. They’ve instead been making us wonder how the mother of Jamie Lynne and Britney hasn’t got mum of the year award yet. After all, Jordan and Kerry Katona have won it.

Instead of teaching her to help old women across the street and carry their shopping, Lynne Spears allowed Jamie Lynn to get a reputation for sleeping around and partying. And by sleeping around, we don’t mean kipping in a different bed every night. We mean the sexual kind of sleeping. 

When we were 16, we spent our evenings sipping milk and eating biscuits. But not too many though, we didn’t want to get too much sugar and fat in to our diets. That would be crazy. But looks like we’ve been no kind of role model to Jamie Lynn Spears, though. Rather than take a leaf out of our book, she's instead been accused of drinking alcoholic beverages and having more sex than we knew about.

Of course people are now cashing in on the poor plight of Jamie Lynn Spears and all sorts of comments have been made, including: 

“The 16-year-old drinks heavily and regularly cheats on her boyfriend Casey Aldridge.” 

Ouch, that’s gotta hurt! 

“I know for a fact that Casey was not the first guy she slept with – or the last. There were at least two others. I know that 110%.” 

Probably not the best comment to save her reputation. Or this: 

“Some people drink to have a good time. But she drank to get wrecked. She drank to get messed up and forget about her mother, her sister and all of that." 

To be fair, we can see why someone would drink to forget her family’s antics. If we were related to a minge-showing, head-shaving, crazy baby-driving sister then we’d want to slide into the back too. But there is a plus of being pregnant if Jamie Lynn Spears' alleged chat-up technique is anything to go by. Pregnant? Horny? At a party? Try this one for size:

“It's cool, I'm pregnant. I can't get pregnant again.”

That’s how we look at contraception, too. Get a girl pregnant and for nine months it’ll bring down the cost of buying condoms. On the negative side, you get a child eventually. Still, they can be given away or sold to Madonna. We always thought the way of stopping a girl from getting pregnant was to dust our penises with chocolate powder before doing the deed. We hate being wrong. 

Read more:

Jamie Lynn 'has hard-partying lifestyle' – Digital Spy