You know Shia LaBeouf don’t you? Yeah. He’s that insultingly dim thing that’s like shrink-wrapped ham on legs, waddling around with his film career and floozies. What else does he do?

Oh yeah! He gets in fights in bars! That’s a hoot isn’t it?

What’s even better is that someone’s accused him of threatening to stab someone. STAB! STAB! VENDETTA! VENDETTA! Yup. That’s right. A famous face thinking that no-one will mention it to anyone if he starts offering to slit people’s throats.

Of course, one thing we do know about Shia is that he’s an outrageous idiot. Even Han Solo called him an idiot after he started blabbing about Indiana Jones 5.

Well, this idiot got into a fight last week (we didn’t write about it because we’re hopeless idiots ourselves) and a nice man tried to calm him down.

Shia responded to this kind act by (ALLEGEDLY) threatening to pull a knife on him. That’s right. An eye-witness said that LaBeouf had been drunkenly laying into everyone within a mile-radius (possible exaggeration) before he was told to calm down.

The witness said that Shia replied with:

“Oh yea? Or what? What are you going to do about it?”

That’s when the actor got his behind handed to him, WWE style.

Then, the witness said he tried to stop Shia from getting back inside, but LaBeouf got aggressive, spouting:

“Well what if I grabbed my knife on you?”

Moments later, Shia re-appeared to make a throat-slashing gesture at him before heading off toward a hangover and some snide articles written about him.

Lovely stuff.

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With remakes, reduxes and various tinkerings of our childhood favourites plaguing cinema at the moment, there’s been little joy looking back at the films we once loved. However, here’s a little something that should slap a smile across that stupid head of yours.

Unseen for many, many years, footage has leaked from Indiana Jones and the Temple Of Doom set, where Harrison Ford is on the receiving end of a practical joke.

This ain’t any ol’ joke though. This is a prank that features Carrie Fisher, Irvin Kershner and… get this… Barbra Streisand as a dominatrix.

Director Steven Spielberg invited Fisher and Streisand onto the set to torment Harrison during a whipping scene, which sees Indy strapped to a rock.

The footage is a little grainy sadly (but still gold), and we see Ford with his back turned, no idea who is whipping his ass. As Babs thrashes away, she shouts:

“This is for Guns of Navarone! For Force Ten! This is for Hanover Street! This is for all the money you’re going to make on Return of the Jedi!”

Then, Fisher appears and plants a huge kiss on Harrison Ford’s bemused face, seeing him asking who the devil it was, to which Carrie replies:

“Someone who needs you!”

Ultimately, Harrison Ford yells:

“Really hit me! Really hit me this time!”

Watch the video here.

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You’ve got to pick sides these days. There’s no grey in life anymore, no nuance. It’s black and white. Guilty? Then throw away the key!

A victim? Then everything you say is sacred and righteous. Think the most recent album by x band is okay, but not as good as their last one? No you don’t- you’re a HATER!

Israel vs Palestine. Dawkins vs God. Left vs Right. 0 vs 1. But even in these binary times we’re stumped on where we stand on Harrison Ford vs Shia LaBoeuf .

Last May, Shia “charisma repellent” LaBoeuf gave the fourth Indiana Jones film (Indiana Jones and the CGI Fuck-Up) a slagging-

“I feel like I dropped the ball on the legacy that people loved and cherished. I have a relationship with Steven Spielberg that supercedes our business work. And believe me, I talk to him often enough to know that I’m not out of line. And I would never disrespect the man. But when you drop the ball you drop the ball.”

In a recent interview though, he was called out by Harrison Ford, starting a beef with LaBeouf. His surprisingly un-boring rant was…

“I think he was a fucking idiot. As an actor, I think it’s my obligation to support the film without making a complete ass of myself. Shia is ambitious, attentive, and talented – and he’s learning how to deal with a situation which is very unique and difficult.”

Now our automatic reaction is to side with Ford. Han Solo versus the kid from Transformers is a no-brainer, surely? The problem we have is that Shia’s words ring rather true. Lest we forget he’s talking about a film that has successfully given the world the phrase “nuking the fridge” as an alternative to “jumping the shark“.

On the other hand, Ford’s words sound like wise advice for LaBoeuf from the man who was in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Empire Strikes Back and Blade Runner. However he also refers to LaBoeuf as being talented so what the hell does the narky old git know?

See, it’s difficult isn’t it?

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The Indiana Jones franchise should’ve stopped when it got to film 3. Sean Connery didn’t exactly light the screen up in a decidedly average film, but still, it was a decent enough romp which signalled that the team behind the films were clean out of ideas.

But did that stop them? Of course it didn’t. George Lucas is involved and he can’t stop picking at his own scabs, god forbid he actually tries to make a brand-new film that has no legacy to fall back on.

And Shia LaBeouf has cleared his little throat to confirm that a fifth Indiana Jones movie could be in cinemas soon, to which we must all now start making our excuses not to go see it.

Shia spoke of the Indy5 project while out promoting the third Transformers film, another film that is trading solely on some imagined nostalgia for the ’80s which, if you were there, will testify how awful it was. We can’t let that get in the way of some coins for a movie studio though… although, why they haven’t tried to make a feature length swashbuckler of The Mysterious Cities Of Gold is quite beyond us.

LaBeouf says:

“I talked to Harrison. He said he’s staying in the gym. He said he’s heard no word, but he does know that George [Lucas] is out there looking for a MacGuffin [plot device].”

“He said he’s staying in the gym, so it means, you know, it’s not so far off.”

That, or he’s been eating too many Twinkies and he’s being slagged for his muffin top hanging over his Levi’s.

Of course, the last Indiana Jones movie, The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, was a stinker, only adored by the most deluded fans of Indiana Jones, George Lucas and Harrison Ford (of which there are many, granted).

Even LaBeouf admits that Crystal Skull had “dropped the ball”, presumably hoping that a new flick will pick it back up again, lest it transpires that the ball is actually a giant stone marble, willing to crush the puny humans that get in its way.

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Harrison Ford – who famously played Chewbacca in the Star Trek films – really hates Indiana Jones or something. So much so that he wants him dead. Dead than Hugh Hefner’s loins.

He wants to kill Indy so Shia LaBeouf (one of the stupidest names ever) can continue the franchise as Indy’s son, Mutt.

Imagine that. A film called Mutt Jones. How dreadful. Would anyone be able to ask for a pair of tickets to go see Mutt Jones and the Crusade of the Fantastical Bone Arse? No. No they wouldn’t. You’d mutter it like you were asking for condoms or jazz mags.

Apparently, some twerp reckons:

“Harrison thinks it would be good for Indy to die and pass on his hat to his son in the next one. George [Lucas] especially is resisting the notion but Steven [Spielberg] is considering it.”

“Funnily enough Harrison wanted the same for Han Solo in the final Star Wars but George put an end to it. This time he doesn’t have all the say though.”

Now, LaBeouf was pretty critical of 2008′s Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull but, being an actor who is constantly in fear of getting no more work, he might be up for towing the line should Spielberg, Lucas and Ford decide on an idea for the plot of Indiana Jones 5.

LaBeouf has reportedly been given a script treatment and he thinks that the whole thing…

“sounds crazy, but sounds really cool.”

Indiana Jones 5 won’t be hitting the screens anytime soon as Spielberg is busy making a Tin Tin movie, as well as working on movies about Abraham Lincoln and giant robots (hopefully in the same film).

George meanwhile is staring at a room filled with Jar Jar Binks merchandise and wondering why everyone hated a homosexual Rastafarian so much and gently rocking back and forth, talking to himself in a Jawa voice.

Sad really.

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Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull was nobody’s idea of a good film – something that could be said of any movie featuring a man in a fridge in a nuclear explosion.

So the received wisdom would be for George Lucas to just quietly retire Indiana Jones; to let him remain in our minds as the star of one good film, two mediocre films and one really terrible film. But this is George Lucas we’re talking about, so that obviously isn’t going to happen.

In a recent interview with The Times, George Lucas discussed various options for Indiana Jones 5 – a movie that looks certain to be made. Our favourite option? The one where George Lucas takes a knock to the head, forgets what Indiana Jones even is and never makes another film ever again. Please.

It’s clear that George Lucas isn’t done with Indiana Jones yet – four movies and a televised prequel? That’s a bit rubbish by George Lucas’ standards. There are wheels that still desperately need to be ridden off that particular cash cow.

Where are the disco-themed Indiana Jones Christmas specials? Where are all the kid’s TV shows about peripheral Indiana Jones characters? Where, goddamn it, is the crappy-looking cartoon Indiana Jones movie set between Indiana Jones 3 and Indiana Jones 4?

They’re coming, we’re sure. But first George Lucas has to get Indiana Jones 5 out of the way. Seriously. Here’s what George Lucas told The Times:

“If I can come up with another idea that they like, we’ll do another. Really, with the last one, Steven wasn’t that enthusiastic. I was trying to persuade him. But now Steve is more amenable to doing another one. Yet we still have the issues about the direction we’d like to take. I’m in the future; Steven’s in the past. He’s trying to drag it back to the way they were, I’m trying to push it to a whole different place. So, still we have a sort of tension.”

But, hey, you know what they say – great art comes from tension. For example, if the tension between Lucas and Spielberg hadn’t been there during Indiana Jones 4, would we have seen legendary moments like Cate Blanchett being intimidated by a glass bong with an angry face? Or that bit about the ants that didn’t really make a lot of sense? Or the bloke from Scrubs inexplicably playing an FBI agent? No. No we wouldn’t.

However, despite being frighteningly hell-bent on making Indiana Jones 5, George Lucas didn’t answer the biggest question of all – will Harrison Ford return for the movie? If it only takes two years to get into production, Harrison Ford will be getting on for 70 years old by the time Indiana Jones 5 comes out.

That’s undoubtedly a bad thing – there are only so many old man jokes in the world, and we used them all up writing about Indiana Jones 4. Plus if Harrison Ford is in it, Indiana Jones 5 will have to be called Indiana Jones And The Upsetting Public Incontinence Episode or something. Because he’s so old. Ha ha, we are funny.

The alternative, of course, would be to make Shia LaBeouf the new Indiana Jones. And that would mean that Indiana Jones 5 would be less of a sequel and more of an imminent sign of humanity’s collapse.

And, George, why so keen on Indiana Jones 5 already? We’ve been waiting for Howard The Duck 2 for 22 years. Get on that instead, you beardy old fool.