George Lucas Talks Indiana Jones 5 Deliberately To Spite You

Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull was nobody’s idea of a good film - something that could be said of any movie featuring a man in a fridge in a nuclear explosion.

So the received wisdom would be for George Lucas to just quietly retire Indiana Jones; to let him remain in our minds as the star of one good film, two mediocre films and one really terrible film. But this is George Lucas we’re talking about, so that obviously isn’t going to happen.

In a recent interview with The Times, George Lucas discussed various options for Indiana Jones 5 - a movie that looks certain to be made. Our favourite option? The one where George Lucas takes a knock to the head, forgets what Indiana Jones even is and never makes another film ever again. Please.

It’s clear that George Lucas isn’t done with Indiana Jones yet - four movies and a televised prequel? That’s a bit rubbish by George Lucas’ standards. There are wheels that still desperately need to be ridden off that particular cash cow.

Where are the disco-themed Indiana Jones Christmas specials? Where are all the kid’s TV shows about peripheral Indiana Jones characters? Where, goddamn it, is the crappy-looking cartoon Indiana Jones movie set between Indiana Jones 3 and Indiana Jones 4?

They’re coming, we’re sure. But first George Lucas has to get Indiana Jones 5 out of the way. Seriously. Here’s what George Lucas told The Times:

“If I can come up with another idea that they like, we’ll do another. Really, with the last one, Steven wasn’t that enthusiastic. I was trying to persuade him. But now Steve is more amenable to doing another one. Yet we still have the issues about the direction we’d like to take. I’m in the future; Steven’s in the past. He’s trying to drag it back to the way they were, I’m trying to push it to a whole different place. So, still we have a sort of tension.”

But, hey, you know what they say - great art comes from tension. For example, if the tension between Lucas and Spielberg hadn’t been there during Indiana Jones 4, would we have seen legendary moments like Cate Blanchett being intimidated by a glass bong with an angry face? Or that bit about the ants that didn’t really make a lot of sense? Or the bloke from Scrubs inexplicably playing an FBI agent? No. No we wouldn’t.

However, despite being frighteningly hell-bent on making Indiana Jones 5, George Lucas didn’t answer the biggest question of all - will Harrison Ford return for the movie? If it only takes two years to get into production, Harrison Ford will be getting on for 70 years old by the time Indiana Jones 5 comes out.

That’s undoubtedly a bad thing - there are only so many old man jokes in the world, and we used them all up writing about Indiana Jones 4. Plus if Harrison Ford is in it, Indiana Jones 5 will have to be called Indiana Jones And The Upsetting Public Incontinence Episode or something. Because he’s so old. Ha ha, we are funny.

The alternative, of course, would be to make Shia LaBeouf the new Indiana Jones. And that would mean that Indiana Jones 5 would be less of a sequel and more of an imminent sign of humanity’s collapse.

And, George, why so keen on Indiana Jones 5 already? We’ve been waiting for Howard The Duck 2 for 22 years. Get on that instead, you beardy old fool.