Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull was nobody’s idea of a good film – something that could be said of any movie featuring a man in a fridge in a nuclear explosion.
So the received wisdom would be for George Lucas to just quietly retire Indiana Jones; to let him remain in our minds as the star of one good film, two mediocre films and one really terrible film. But this is George Lucas we’re talking about, so that obviously isn’t going to happen.
In a recent interview with The Times, George Lucas discussed various options for Indiana Jones 5 – a movie that looks certain to be made. Our favourite option? The one where George Lucas takes a knock to the head, forgets what Indiana Jones even is and never makes another film ever again. Please.
It’s clear that George Lucas isn’t done with Indiana Jones yet – four movies and a televised prequel? That’s a bit rubbish by George Lucas’ standards. There are wheels that still desperately need to be ridden off that particular cash cow.
Where are the disco-themed Indiana Jones Christmas specials? Where are all the kid’s TV shows about peripheral Indiana Jones characters? Where, goddamn it, is the crappy-looking cartoon Indiana Jones movie set between Indiana Jones 3 and Indiana Jones 4?
They’re coming, we’re sure. But first George Lucas has to get Indiana Jones 5 out of the way. Seriously. Here’s what George Lucas told The Times:
“If I can come up with another idea that they like, we’ll do another. Really, with the last one, Steven wasn’t that enthusiastic. I was trying to persuade him. But now Steve is more amenable to doing another one. Yet we still have the issues about the direction we’d like to take. I’m in the future; Steven’s in the past. He’s trying to drag it back to the way they were, I’m trying to push it to a whole different place. So, still we have a sort of tension.”
But, hey, you know what they say – great art comes from tension. For example, if the tension between Lucas and Spielberg hadn’t been there during Indiana Jones 4, would we have seen legendary moments like Cate Blanchett being intimidated by a glass bong with an angry face? Or that bit about the ants that didn’t really make a lot of sense? Or the bloke from Scrubs inexplicably playing an FBI agent? No. No we wouldn’t.
However, despite being frighteningly hell-bent on making Indiana Jones 5, George Lucas didn’t answer the biggest question of all – will Harrison Ford return for the movie? If it only takes two years to get into production, Harrison Ford will be getting on for 70 years old by the time Indiana Jones 5 comes out.
That’s undoubtedly a bad thing – there are only so many old man jokes in the world, and we used them all up writing about Indiana Jones 4. Plus if Harrison Ford is in it, Indiana Jones 5 will have to be called Indiana Jones And The Upsetting Public Incontinence Episode or something. Because he’s so old. Ha ha, we are funny.
The alternative, of course, would be to make Shia LaBeouf the new Indiana Jones. And that would mean that Indiana Jones 5 would be less of a sequel and more of an imminent sign of humanity’s collapse.
And, George, why so keen on Indiana Jones 5 already? We’ve been waiting for Howard The Duck 2 for 22 years. Get on that instead, you beardy old fool.
Mithaearon says
What about a new Willow film goerge? it could be all 3D and stuff.
Shannon Shark says
Great stuff. You nailed it. (I have actually a pre-post on the same topic that goes live over the weekend).
This is hilarious:
Where are the disco-themed Indiana Jones Christmas specials? Where are all the kid’s TV shows about peripheral Indiana Jones characters? Where, goddamn it, is the crappy-looking cartoon Indiana Jones movie set between Indiana Jones 3 and Indiana Jones 4?
the one guy who liked indy 4 says
holy fuckin god. indy 4 wasnt a bad movie. it did actualy follow the examples the others set. all of them were based off of old cerials lucas and speilberg watched. so fuck off you no life cock lickers
hicheengui says
i m indiana jones fan big fan harrison ford is gooooooooooood actor
Marcus Browdy says
Look. I know it’s great to say dip stick ass wipe gay fuck, shit licking and all that sort of nonesense, but do try to have a little class when talking on the internet. Indy would.
That said, all in all, I suppose another would be good, if only as a apology to the other film. I would agree that the first half wasn’t that bad, but… well, in the end it was… well, lacking, and hacknayed in a way. Oh well, it’s DONE and DAMAGED (modernized and up-dated with magic killing contrievity) but I continue to remain optimistic, believing in what Shakespear called, “the Triumph of Hope over experience…” Who knows what the tide will bring.
Marcus Browdy says
P.S. Indy can still kick ass, if they just don’t try and hide his age. The original script for Krystal Skull wasn’t so bad. I don’t know what they were afraid of, taking out that scene where Indy talks to the kids about holding true in a time of goverment brainwashing. It was good, light, brief, heartfelt and to the point… Good stuff. Ad it will ever be made, or shown anywhere but in our sad, disapointed imaginations. What were they afraid of. A decent script?
Alex says
“Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull was nobody
Will Smith says
How about “Indiana Jones and the Lost City of Mu?” It’s 1943. Indy and “Mac” battle the Japanese, the fate of the World is on them. Along the way they find Amelea Earhart. George Clooney is the next Indiana Jones? Any thoughts Anyone?
Robert_Stephens says
Who is this brainless phuck stik who writes these reviews? What a total phucking faggot azzhole. Hey, writer boy puke, go suck your daddy’s jong jong, pizz wad…..
We are love.
Chew says
the fact that this internet critic writes “something that could be said of any movie featuring a man in a fridge in a nuclear explosion.” just goes to show how little he knows what makes a good scene.
Any movie that even has a nuclear explosion scene has entertainment value for us viewers. Why? Everyone no matter how they feel about it happening in real life can’t help but be enthralled by it.
I can guarantee 2 things: If they make a 5 and it is a bomb it will still make $500m plus, and that Stuart Heritage (who wrote this review) will never have me read another of his works. Internet Critics are by far worse then ANY movie ever made or will be made. PERIOD.