Janet Jackson has been cancelling swathes of concerts on her current Rock Witchu tour because of a mystery illness that suddenly took hold five minutes before a show in Canada. The fact alone that nobody would reveal the illness was a cause for consternation – but now we know.

Janet Jackson has been suffering from migraine-associated vertigo. We’re sure that Janet Jackson’s fans are all completely sympathetic to this diagnosis – don’t forget that symptoms of vertigo include nausea, vomiting and difficulty standing – all of which will be familiar to anyone who witnessed Janet Jackson pop a nork out during the Super Bowl halftime show of 2004.

Janet Jackson’s mystery illness has been a cause for concern for quite some time now. Last month in Canada Janet Jackson cancelled a show at the eleventh hour and was rushed to hospital. The lack of immediate diagnosis, coupled with the fact that Janet Jackson then cancelled further concerts, became quite the cause for concern.

Was Janet Jackson seriously ill? Had she come down with cancer? Did she have a dicky ticker? Was it time for her to update her will to include her imaginary teenage daughter? Or, conversely, was Janet Jackson just doing that thing her brother Michael does where he conveniently gets quite ill whenever he’s asked to do something he doesn’t feel like?

Maybe we’ll never know. Or maybe Janet Jackson’s spokesperson has now revealed exactly which illness she’s suffering from in quite specific detail. Which one is it, huh? Huh? Oh, the second one. E! Online reports:

“After a thorough medical evaluation, it has been confirmed that Janet’s symptoms are being caused by a rare form of migraine called vestibular migraine or migraine-associated vertigo for which she is currently receiving treatment,” read a statement released by Jackson’s camp and obtained by E! News.

Well that’s a weight off everyone’s mind, at least. Janet Jackson isn’t seriously ill after all – she’s just got a bit of a headache.

Actually in all seriousness it’s quite easy to see how Janet Jackson could develop something like migraine-associated vertigo. Now that she’s on tour, she spends her nights standing in front of gigantic blasts of thrashing noise, and that probably caused havoc with her inner ear.

Oh, no, wait, sorry – this is Janet Jackson we’re talking about, isn’t it. Her concerts actually involve her whispering the word ’sexy’ over and over during several songs that all sound like a mouse farting on top of a broken wind-up clock. That probably wouldn’t do much to her inner ear at all, in retrospect. God knows what’s up with her.

Still, we hope that Janet Jackson makes a speedy recovery from this vertigo that’s been blighting her tour so badly. Hopefully she’ll be able to get over this illness, complete all her shows and get back to what she does the best – making albums that nobody even pretends to notice any more. Attagirl, Janet.

Although Janet Jackson has left the hospital that she admitted herself to after suddenly falling ill before a concert on Monday, she’s still decided to cancel upcoming concerts in Boston and Philadelphia while she recuperates. Meanwhile, the nature of Janet Jackson’s illness has yet to be revealed.

Did you get all that? There was a lot of complex information just there, so we’ll reiterate in much simpler terms – nobody knows. Nobody knows what’s been going on with Janet Jackson. And nobody cares. Nobody knows and nobody cares. And if you care you’re an idiot. Idiot.

We’ll give you the good news first, and then the better news. The good news is that Janet Jackson has left hospital. On Monday night, when Janet Jackson suddenly fell ill and was hospitalised right before a concert, there were fears that Janet had succumbed to some sort of incredibly serious disease.

But it’s OK, because she didn’t stay in hospital for long enough for that to be feasible, as E! Online reports:

According to Rebecca Burns, a spokeswoman for the hospital, the 42-year-old Grammy winner “was discharged after a few hours.” Burns declined to elaborate on the singer’s condition, citing patient confidentiality rules. In a brief statement, the singer’s publicist did not address her ailment but said Jackson “is recuperating.”

A few hours? That’s how long it takes to even get seen in a hospital, isn’t it? If you went to hospital for a few hours anywhere around here you’d spend the entirety of that time sitting on an uncomfortable plastic chair watching Cash In The Attic repeats on a TV with the volume turned down next to a coughing old lady.

If Janet Jackson was only in hospital for a few hours, chances are she hung around for a bit, listened to a doctor say “There’s nothing wrong with you. Stop wasting my time,” and went home again. She’s going to be OK!

However, that’s not something we can say for sure, because nobody is disclosing what Janet Jackson’s illness actually is. Based on highly scientific arbitrary guesswork, though, we think we’ve narrowed down Janet Jackson’s mystery illness to one of the following:

* Gout

* Green Monkey Disease

* Dandy-Walker Syndrome

* Uveomeningoencephalitic Syndrome

* Probably, like, a cold or something

Oh, we promised you better news, didn’t we? Well, the better news is that following her hospitalisation, Janet Jackson has cancelled her concerts in Boston and Philadelphia.

That means that up to 4,000 boyfriends in each area will now get to breathe a sigh of relief because they will no longer be dragged to a bloody Janet Jackson concert when they could be doing something more constructive, like picking their belly buttons or seeing how long they can hold one of their eyes open for before it starts to hurt.

Assuming that Angelina Jolie has had herself some kids is one version of the game we’re more than willing to play. Even when it’s as clearly wrong as some people can be. That’s almost fun, if you’re into that kind of thing.

But a new take on the game seems to have been popping up over the course of the year – first we had Patrick Swayze and his cancer that was definitely going to kill him within weeks, then it didn’t, leaving the public confused and Swayze looking healthier than ever. Now it’s the turn of Bernie “I took over from Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels” Mac to keep the press and public frantically guessing as to whether he’s actually alive, dying or dead.

Frankly, it’s quite a morbid game and we don’t want to play much.

Bernie, 50, admitted himself to hospital on the 3rd of August and was subsequently placed into treatment for pneumonia. It didn’t take long for something of a mild frenzy to whip up, though at first most news was simply taking the ’straight report’ route – as favoured by journalists that can’t be bothered trying very hard – telling the public Mac had been admitted for treatment.

Not long after, a new element was added to the game when reports emerged of an unnamed source – the most trustworthy of all the sources – saying Bernie was in a ‘very, very critical condition’ and alluding to him being either near to death or actually dead. Now, frankly that’s a bit unfair on the man, don’t you think? So, yes, he did do a far worse job than Bill Murray in Charlie’s Angels 2 and his role in Transformers was forgettable at best – but there’s no need to start spreading rumours that he’s actually dead now, is there. That’s just low.

Thankfully, reports have surfaced today quoting Bernie Mac’s rep as saying these words with their mouth – whether they were angry, crying or simply aloof when spouting these communications, we do not know:

“Bernie Mac is still alive and being treated at a Chicago hospital for pneumonia and is expected to make a full recovery.”

But regardless of the emotional state of this so-called ‘rep’, at least they were concise, to the point and didn’t bother with baseless speculation. Frankly, those aspects make the guessing game too hard to judge. At least with direct statements you can almost accept it as fact, especially when it comes from one of these ‘rep’ things with a name, Danica Smith. She went on to say:

“Mr. Mac is responding well to treatment and will be released soon.”

The disease is, according to those that report these things as fact, not related to Bernie’s long-standing sarcoidosis – a chronic disease that can cause inflammation of tissue, especially around the lungs. Mr Mac, as it would appear he likes to be called, has seen the remission of the disease since 2005.

All good to know. Hecklerspray sends our get well soon psychic beams out to you, Bernie.

That's right – it appears that hoofing down crack and cigarettes all the time like a stinky old tramp hasn't done Amy Winehouse's lungs any good at all. According to her dad Mitch, in fact, Amy Winehouse has been diagnosed with the early stages of emphysema – a disease that'll kill her if she doesn't quit drugs immediately.

Now, obviously this isn't news because it's been discovered that Amy Winehouse is close to death – any fool has been able to see that for the last year or so – but because her contraction of emphysema has helped us complete our Amy Winehouse Disease Bingo card! Hooray! Now we just have to decide whether we go double or quits with weaponised Marburg. She doesn't already have that, does she?

Amy Winehouse is like a walking medical encyclopedia, albeit a walking encyclopedia that you don't want to touch in case it gives you headlice or bellows the word 'Blake' at you for an hour and a half until you forget what you wanted from it. Anyway, our point – we think – was that Amy Winehouse knows a lot about disease.

For starters Amy Winehouse's skin is apparently riddled with impetigo, plus she once contracted the rare disorder of taking too many drugs and almost dying – and now it's her lungs that are all effed up.

You see, Amy Winehouse's father has told the world that his daughter has emphysema. It's a cruel illness, striking down any number of people, so long as they're elderly soap opera actresses who smoke an irresponsible amount of cigarettes during their lifetime. And Amy Winehouse, too, apparently. BBC News reports:

Mitch Winehouse told the Sunday Mirror his daughter has early stage emphysema and an irregular heartbeat. "Doctors have told her if she goes back to smoking drugs, it won't just ruin her voice, it will kill her," he said. "With smoking the crack cocaine and the cigarettes her lungs are all gunked up. There are nodules around the chest and dark marks. She's got 70% lung capacity."

That's actually quite serious-sounding. Still, hopefully the early diagnosis combined with her father's insistence on repeatedly humiliating her in public will force Amy Winehouse to dramatically change her ways before it's too late. After all, if we can say anything about Amy Winehouse it's that she always learns from her mistakes.

Wait, no, what we meant to say was that if we can say anything about Amy Winehouse it's that she never learns anything, not even in the face of serious life or death consequences, and she's doomed to repeat the same mistakes time and time again until she inevitably messes her life up beyond repair. Yeah, that scans better.

Anyway, if Amy Winehouse can successfully combat her emphysema now, perhaps she can go on to become a spokesperson for young women who keep catching diseases traditionally reserved for the elderly. After all, just think of the awareness that can be raised for the likes of The Association For Gout-Stricken Teenagers or Incontinence Pants For The Under-25s with a megastar like Amy Winehouse onboard.

Ms. Nash had the operation after discovering she had the possibly life-threatening heart condition tachycardia and the thought of her imminent death apparently spurred the fake cockney on to pursue her present career in raping other people’s ears.

Fuckin’ ‘ell, Guv, as Kate would no doubt say. Just imagine if it had gone the wrong way. We wouldn’t have songs like Mouthwash and lyrics like these to make our lives better:

“This is my face
Covered in freckles
With the occasional spot
And some veins”

Yes. we think Oscar Wilde wrote something similar once. Dear Lord, it really doesn’t bear thinking about life without Kate Nash. Where would we be without her cover of Nathan Barley’s brilliant song Caroline’s A Victim, for instance? Probably in the same place but our lives wouldn’t be so rich, would they? OK, yes they would but you see our point, don’t you? Actually, that last one wasn’t rhetorical; we can’t currently locate the point of Kate Nash so if you find it please send it over in a taxi. We’ll pay.

Not content with just making really, really excellent songs about nothing in particular, Kate has now also decided to write books. She told the NME:

“I’d like to release a collection of short stories,” she explained. “I’m writing one about a 12 year-old boy called George, who meets a seven-foot cross-dresser called Roy. It’s a concept about imagination and being whatever your dream is.” 

Oh fuck off, Kate. Damn you and all your bloody genius. It’s just not fair. Someone was obviously up front when God was handing out talent. It’s just a shame it made you late for the heart queue.   

Read more: 

Kate Nash: 'heart Op Inspired My Music Career'- FemaleFirst

It's been reported, you see, that Eminem went to hospital over the Christmas period because of a serious heart condition and complications from pneumonia, with sources adding that he's increased in weight to over 200 lb. Of course, this illness and massive weight-gain means that Eminem can't be called Slim Shady any more, and so he's thought to be deciding on a new name, with either Fatt Poorly or Pensioner'z Illnezz being current front-runners.

In the past you couldn't help but stumble across comparisons between Eminem and Elvis Presley – after all, they were both white boys stealing black music and sending it mainstream. But now the comparison has never looked more accurate thanks to reports that Eminem has taken on Elvis' fondness for tubby reclusiveness and bouts of ill health. While it hasn't got to the 'death by shitting' stage yet, it's understood that things are actually getting quite serious for Eminem.

TMZ has reported that Eminem was rushed to a Detroit hospital over the festive period suffering from pneumonia, a bad heart and worrying weight-gain:

We're told Em was taken to a Detroit-area hospital for a serious heart condition and severe pneumonia. Sources tell TMZ Em's weight has ballooned to over 200 lbs. Eminem 's publicist told TMZ: "Over the holidays, Marshall Mathers, aka Eminem, was under doctor's care at a Detroit-area hospital for complications due to pneumonia. He has since been released and is doing well recovering at home."

At first, news of Eminem's illness probably seems sudden, but it's only after some thought that you come to realise that, actually, what is it that Eminem does any more? Sure, he's sold millions of records, but his last proper album came out four years ago. Since then there's been a Greatest Hits collection and a weak mix album to his name and nothing else with little on the horizon. Frankly Eminem could have caught pneumonia by digging a moat around his house naked, or contracted his heart disease by swallowing bees for a bet for all we know about him these days.

So hopefully Eminem will get better soon, and maybe even think about making more music at some point. Still, ever the optimists, at least there's something to be gained from Eminem laying in a hospital seriously ill – it'd be one less opportunity for him marry his ex-wife and then divorce her another couple of times.

Read more:

Eminem — Not Slim Anymore; Big Health Scare! – TMZ 

So what more do we know now? Well, the main news is that Britney Spears has gone to hospital for tests. Not maths or spelling tests – it's far too early to put a strain like that on someone as fragile as Britney Spears – but psychological tests. After a run of weird behaviour that's lasted long over a year, doctors will soon check Britney Spears' system for drugs and alcohol and then begin to assess her mentally to see if she's a danger to herself, her kids or anyone else around her. This process might take anything up to three days, which means by Monday morning we'll know if Britney Spears is a heartbreaking sufferer of a mental illness of just a bit of an overdramatic numpty.

It was the news that shocked the world. No, we take that back – it was the news that the world had been waiting for since some point in the middle of 2006. Last night the Britney Spears/ Kevin Federline custody bitchfight came to an ugly head when Britney's apparent refusal to follow court orders and hand her sons Sean Preston and Jayden James back to their father led to fighting and an overzealous response by the emergency services including six police cars, fire trucks, ambulances, helicopters, a First World War tank and the Tyrannosaurus Red Dragon Thunderzord out of Power Rangers, and ended with Britney Spears being wheeled into an ambulance.

According to some reports, Britney Spears was strapped onto a stretcher and taken away because she was thought to be under the influence of substances. What those substance are – if any – remains to be seen. It could be drugs, alcohol, some kind of violently undiagnosed wheat intolerance, other drugs. We'll find out soon enough after doctors at the Los Angeles Cedars Sinai hospital in Los Angeles have carried out their tests.

More worrying, though, is the notion that doctors could invoke a Californian law that would hold Britney Spears in hospital on suicide watch for up to 72 hours while psychological examinations are carried out on her. And the worst case scenario following that would involve Britney being taken to a secure mental facility.

We'll just have to wait and see what the outcome of Britney's tests are and hope that there's nothing seriously wrong with her. But it doesn't look good – over the last year Britney Spears has shaved her head, flashed the world her genitals, gone to rehab, called herself the devil, made a feeble attempt at a suicide and, perhaps worst of all, released an album that sounds like Dr Stephen Hawking blasting over an electrified cattle grid covered in amniotic fluid. And we have 72 hours to wait before we officially know whether this is all a sign of genuine mental illness or just a slightly overenthusiastic way of getting rid of your children. 

Still, that'll teach Jamie Lynn for briefly becoming more famous than her sister.

Read more:

Britney Spears taken to hospital for tests – CNN