For a few weeks the corner of the world that still cares about Janet Jackson has been asking one question – what’s wrong with the woman?
Janet Jackson has been cancelling swathes of concerts on her current Rock Witchu tour because of a mystery illness that suddenly took hold five minutes before a show in Canada. The fact alone that nobody would reveal the illness was a cause for consternation – but now we know.
Janet Jackson has been suffering from migraine-associated vertigo. We’re sure that Janet Jackson’s fans are all completely sympathetic to this diagnosis – don’t forget that symptoms of vertigo include nausea, vomiting and difficulty standing – all of which will be familiar to anyone who witnessed Janet Jackson pop a nork out during the Super Bowl halftime show of 2004.
Janet Jackson’s mystery illness has been a cause for concern for quite some time now. Last month in Canada Janet Jackson cancelled a show at the eleventh hour and was rushed to hospital. The lack of immediate diagnosis, coupled with the fact that Janet Jackson then cancelled further concerts, became quite the cause for concern.
Was Janet Jackson seriously ill? Had she come down with cancer? Did she have a dicky ticker? Was it time for her to update her will to include her imaginary teenage daughter? Or, conversely, was Janet Jackson just doing that thing her brother Michael does where he conveniently gets quite ill whenever he’s asked to do something he doesn’t feel like?
Maybe we’ll never know. Or maybe Janet Jackson’s spokesperson has now revealed exactly which illness she’s suffering from in quite specific detail. Which one is it, huh? Huh? Oh, the second one. E! Online reports:
“After a thorough medical evaluation, it has been confirmed that Janet’s symptoms are being caused by a rare form of migraine called vestibular migraine or migraine-associated vertigo for which she is currently receiving treatment,” read a statement released by Jackson’s camp and obtained by E! News.
Well that’s a weight off everyone’s mind, at least. Janet Jackson isn’t seriously ill after all – she’s just got a bit of a headache.
Actually in all seriousness it’s quite easy to see how Janet Jackson could develop something like migraine-associated vertigo. Now that she’s on tour, she spends her nights standing in front of gigantic blasts of thrashing noise, and that probably caused havoc with her inner ear.
Oh, no, wait, sorry – this is Janet Jackson we’re talking about, isn’t it. Her concerts actually involve her whispering the word ‘sexy’ over and over during several songs that all sound like a mouse farting on top of a broken wind-up clock. That probably wouldn’t do much to her inner ear at all, in retrospect. God knows what’s up with her.
Still, we hope that Janet Jackson makes a speedy recovery from this vertigo that’s been blighting her tour so badly. Hopefully she’ll be able to get over this illness, complete all her shows and get back to what she does the best – making albums that nobody even pretends to notice any more. Attagirl, Janet.
Julian Mentat says
The “Rock Witchu” tour?
Her SPELLING gives me vertigo.
Michael Whetstine says
Janet is my favorite artist–who is yours Stuart? Probably some bunch of washed up 70 years olds who are either dead now or close to it.
Joke Police says
Michael – Stu’s also an obsessive JJ fan, Google-alerted up to the hilt. He just writes this stuff for the cash.
Julian Mentat says
Mr. Whetstine, do you SERIOUSLY think that reaching an advanced age somehow diminishes an artist’s body of work?
What will you do if Ms. Jackson lives to 70?
B A Smith says
I actually suffer from this. It took three years and over a dozen specialists to diagnosis me because it is such a rare condition. I was sixteen, and no, I wasn’t pregnant. But it completely destroyed my life at the time because I was a world class performance horse rider and it’s impossible to ride with this. To this day I still have little to no distance perception. God bless her.
Megan Oltman says
I don’t have much problem with mocking the Jackson family, or most overpaid and overindulged celebrities, but as a fellow Migraine sufferer (and probable MAV sufferer), I’ve got to say, I’ve got a problem with mocking the disease. It’s not a bit of a headache. It’s a neurological disease, with a significant increased stroke risk, and is hell to live with. Migraine, in general, is recognized by the World Health Organization as one of the most disabling conditions world-wide.
Leeloo says
Yeah, I can agree with Megan about the over-indulged celebrities, but if you suffered with chronic Migraines or MAV then you’d know it can be very disabling, wreaking havoc on not on your own life but everything that cascades out from it.
Since Migraine is recognized as a neurological disorder, I think it’s inadequate to reference her malady as a “bit of a headache.” You can have Migraines without the head pain too. So-called “normal” headaches don’t leave you heaving and gasping over the toilet, or take away your vision, or make you slur your speech, or lose you balance because you’re not getting enough oxygen to the brain.
Heather M says
Mr. Stuart,
I realize that your article was to mock Janet Jackson but in turn you also mocked Migraine disease. This is a disease that I like so many others have. It is a dibilitating disease. It is a neurological disease and it is more than “just a headache”. Like Janet Jackson, I have been treated at the ER for my Migraines. I could care less about what you say about Janet Jackson but you do not have the right to trivialize her medical condition. If not treated properly, people can died from this disease and are at much great risk for strokes. I hope that you are a little bit more educated and a little bit more sensitve when it comes to people’s health.
MaxJerz says
I am also a chronic Migraine and MAV sufferer. Like Megan, Leeloo and Heather I really don’t take issue with you mocking Janet Jackson, but I do take issue when Migraine disease is trivialized. It’s not just “a bit of a headache”. It is a genetic neurological disease, and in the case of MAV patients, the vertigo is often more disabling than the pain itself.
Please do feel free to continue mocking celebrities, but I ask you think twice the next time you mock their (very real) diseases.
a-migraineur says
Your website obviously exists to slam and mock most Hollywood stars. I would think that you could find better things to do with your time.
However, this is not why I am posting a comment. I have to agree with my fellow Migraineurs and others who suffer from vertigo. Both are serious, disabling diseases. Migraine is not “a bit of a headache”; it is nausea; aversion to light, sound, and smells; and then there is the headache: it feels like my head is going to explode. Every bit of my body hurts including my hair and teeth. I cannot stand being touched.
Mocking people is bad; mocking disease is worse.
a-migraineur