What do we know about Vanessa Feltz? Well, she’s going out with that singer from Phats & Small. She was once the female Robert Kilroy Silk with her vaguely reactionary? daytime show. She once wrote a book called What Are These Strawberries Doing on My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!
Ummm. Oh, and she went absolutely stark-mental while appearing on Celebrity Big Brother, which everyone enjoyed.
So what’s she up to these days? Well, the answer to that is short and simple – flesh eating.
Not too long ago, Feltz fell over and grazed her knee. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. Rubbish celebrity story, right?
WRONG.
See, what happened next is absolutely hilarious. Two days after cutting her knee, she found herself delirious in a casualty ward with her leg turning black, according to reports.
This is because Feltz somehow got a rare disease called necrotising fasciitis, or, if you prefer, a flesh-?eating disease. That’s right. Feltz’s body was so tired of itself that it tried to go cannibal. Alas, it started with the knee rather than the tongue.
Feltz, ever eager to talk, says:
“I'm really shocked, horrified and appalled because it started as just nothing. About four weeks ago I'd been to an art exhibition in Soho ? and I'd not touched a drop of alcohol ? but after I came out I was wearing a pair of ludicrous high heels and I just tripped over.”
“All I had was a tiny graze about the size of a 50p on my right knee. It was no big deal and I wasn?t remotely upset. It bled a bit so I went home, put a bit of TCP on it and that was it.”
“Then about two and a half weeks after I'd grazed my knee I was in the middle of doing my BBC London radio show and suddenly my leg felt like one of those sausages on the barbecue which is about to burst. I looked down and it was boiling hot and bright red from the ankle to the thigh and felt as if it was going to split in two from the inside out. It was really, really painful.”
HILARIOUS! Then she went to hospital.
“By the time I got there I was too ill even to sit up on a chair and had to lie on the floor. I was delirious, really. I was immediately admitted and I thought ?good, good ? they're going to give me intravenous antibiotics.? Then the doctor said, ?And now we're phoning the surgeon.? I said, ?What? Why? Why are you phoning a surgeon?? And they said ?this leg is going to need an operation and we're going to have to work speedily to excise the poison which is coursing through your entire system.”
So, throughout this amusing ordeal, what have we learned? What’s the lesson for us all here?
“This really does put me off wearing high heels for life.”
Great. Oh, and sorry that the story wasn’t about a zombie Vanessa Feltz going on some wild brain-eating rampage. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
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