What is Kevin Costner famous for? Well, he sang I Will Always Love You and said “back, and to the left” for five hours straight in JFK and… uh… he was in the terrible Waterworld. And that’s about it.

And now, getting the chance to redeem himself from such atrocities, he now being lamer than a horse sanctuary, wimping out of Quentin Tarantino’s ‘Django Unchained’.

Thank god we’ve got Kurt Russell – a real man – to take his place. Whaddaguy!

Alas, this is only a rumour at the moment, but if it turns out to be true, then it would see Russell reuniting with Tarantino after they worked together on 2007′s Death Proof.

So what will Kurt be doing, now that Costner is being a filthy chump?

Well, Russell will take on the role of Ace, a vicious understudy to Leonardo DiCaprio’s bad guy plantation owner. Expect racist dialogue that will make you laugh guiltily.

It appears that Costner pulled out of Tarantino’s spaghetti western thanks to “scheduling conflicts.” That’s code for ‘I don’t think I’ve got the nuts to do a film that is in any way edgy, soz’.

And when can we see this flick?

Django Unchained is scheduled for release on Christmas Day 2012. Expect theatres to smell like sprout farts and sherry scented puke.

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Hurray! Another utterly pointless awards ceremony is rolling into our collective consciousness to make us take sides between things that can actually be enjoyed simultaneously!

Of course, the real winners in all of this are America’s coke-dealers and the Emmy Awards is timed perfectly so that the dope pushers will have a really bumper Christmas this year. Plastic surgeons are also stocking up on septum repair kits too. How amazingly heartwarming.

The Emmys, as you definitely know, celebrate the best in American television and will be held on Sunday, September 18th… shown on Fox who everyone hates at the moment. And the big guns making vague headlines are Modern Family (*shrug*) and the utter dross that is The Big Bang Theory. In drama, the wonderful trio of Mad Men, Game of Thrones, and The Good Wife bag several nominations. Let us peer at the rest of the nominations over the jump.

Tina Fey, Steve Buscemi, Jane Lynch, Michael C. Hall, Kate Winslett, Idris Elba, Martha Plimpton and Laurence Fishburne make for some credible names in the nomz, which is all well and good… however… however… what should be the biggest headline is that something so preposterously dreadful that it defies belief, is tucked away amongst the big shots.

Staggeringly, someone, somewhere, has decided to put Matt LeBlanc’s turn in the awful Episodes up for Best Lead Actor.

No seriously. Cat Deeley has a nomination too. Crazy.

Anyway, here are the 2011 Emmy Awards nominees. Enjoy reading a massive list of names.

Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

Laura Linney, The Big C
Edie Falco, Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation
Melissa McCarthy, Mike & Molly
Martha Plimpton, Raising Hope
Tina Fey, 30 Rock

Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Steve Carell, The Office
Johnny Galecki, The Big Bang Theory
Louis C.K., Louie,
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock

Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series

Jane Lynch, Glee
Betty White, Hot in Cleveland
Julie Bowen, Modern Family
Kristen Wiig, Saturday Night Live
Jane Krakowski, 30 Rock
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family

Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Jon Cryer, Two and a Half Men
Chris Colfer, Glee
Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Modern Family
Ed O’Neill, Modern Family
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
Ty Burrell, Modern Family

Comedy Series

Glee
Parks and Recreation
The Office
Modern Family
30 Rock
The Big Bang Theory

Lead Actress in a Drama Series

Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Connie Britton, Friday Night Lights
Mariska Hargitay, Law & Order: SVU
Mireille Enos, The Killing
Julianna Margulies, The Good Wife
Kathy Bates, Harry’s Law

Lead Actor in a Drama Series

Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Michael C. Hall, Dexter
Kyle Chandler, Friday Night Lights
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Hugh Laurie, House
Timothy Olyphant, Justified

Supporting Actress in a Drama Series

Kelly Macdonald, Boardwalk Empire
Christina Hendricks, Mad Men
Michelle Forbes, The Killing
Archie Panjabi, The Good Wife
Margo Martindale, Justified
Christine Baranski, The Good Wife

Supporting Actor in a Drama Series

John Slattery, Mad Men
Andre Braugher, Men of a Certain Age
Walton Goggins, Justified
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Josh Charles, The Good Wife
Alan Cumming, The Good Wife

Drama Series

Boardwalk Empire
The Good Wife
Mad Men
Friday Night Lights
Dexter
Game of Thrones

Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

Kate Winslet, Mildred Pierce
Elizabeth McGovern, Downton Abbey
Diane Lane, Cinema Verite
Taraji P. Henson, Taken From Me: The Tiffany Rubin Story
Jean Marsh, Upstairs Downstairs

Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

Greg Kinnear, The Kennedys
Barry Pepper, The Kennedys
Edgar Ramirez, Carlos
William Hurt, Too Big To Fail
Idris Elba, Luther
Laurence Fishburne, Thurgood

Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie

Guy Pearce, Mildred Pierce
Brian F. O’Byrne, Mildred Pierce
Tom Wilkinson, The Kennedys
Paul Giamatti, Too Big To Fail
James Woods, Too Big To Fail

Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie

Evan Rachel Wood, Mildred Pierce
Melissa Leo, Mildred Pierce
Mare Winningham, Mildred Pierce
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Eileen Atkins, Upstairs Downstairs

Variety, Music, or Comedy Series

The Colbert Report
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
Saturday Night Live
Conan
Real Time with Bill Maher
The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Reality – Competition Programme

So You Think You Can Dance
The Amazing Race
Project Runway
American Idol
Dancing with the Stars
Top Chef

Host for a Reality or Reality Competition

Tom Bergeron, Dancing with the Stars
Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance
Phil Keoghan, The Amazing Race
Jeff Probst, Survivor
Ryan Seacrest, American Idol

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When Quentin Tarantino makes a movie, it is always interesting to see who he’ll cast. He plunders old b-movie actors and the like, putting them up against proper A-listers. He also clearly gets aroused over Uma Thurman’s massive feet, but that’s another story.

While we can’t guess where he’ll go for his cult actors, it appears that the big name attached to his new slavesploitation flick, Django Unchained, is the one and only Leonardo DiCaprio who weirdly can’t act and isn’t that good-looking anymore, but still seems to get gigantic roles.

Sadly, one name that has dropped out of the race is Will Smith who isn’t so keen on playing the title role of slave Django. Shame. It would’ve been interesting to see how the two would have worked together, so we guess we’ll just have to wait and see which action movie Smith with gurn in next.

Will Smith’s departure isn’t all bad though as Idris Elba is in the running and he’s excellent. Also being bandied about are the less excellent Jamie Foxx and Chris Tucker.

Anyway, we’re talking about pudding headed DiCaprio. So who will he be playing? Well, it seems that Leonardo’s character would be a “charming but ruthless” owner of club Candyland. Will DiCaprio be searching his soul and drawing on real-life experiences to drag out the performance of a lifetime?

He’ll be surrounded by female slaves who he uses as sex objects and surrounded by men who are forced to fight each other to the death. So you decided whether or not he’ll be drawing from personal experiences.

In other boring news, three-time Oscar-nommer Leonardo has quite a few dull films in the pipeline, set to star in in ‘J. Edgar’ as J. Edgar and he’s also going to star in ‘The Great Gatsby’.

The thought of him surrounded by ultra-violence, sex and a great soundtrack is much more appealing AND it’ll enable us to finally see what the point of DiCaprio actually is.

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This week’s ups and downs.

Folded:

• Top 50 US All Stars with Idris Elba (Stringer Bell talks hip-hop in what must have been a seriously surreal few hours for The Wire fans)
• Wimbledon has finished (goodbye to the only sport in the world players fall asleep through. Still, kudos to Roger Federer and his gold lamé tracksuit)
• Best phishing scam ever (must have caught millions)
• Local gyms (full of middle aged Dorises, but at least no muscle men gazing lovingly at their own biceps)
• Spotting people on the Underground who don’t use an Oyster card (tourist – we’re going to pick your pocket now)

Creased:

• Funerals (or macabre pop concerts. Whatever)
• When Love Takes Over by David Guetta feat. Kelly Rowland (Cascada wasn’t available)
• Wimbledon has finished (but what will the BBC put on its red button now? The Royle Family Christmas Special? International Tiddlywinks? 24 Hours on the lash with Sophie Raworth?)
• Online voucher codes (‘expired’ – they’re all bloody expired)
• City gyms (even Peter Andre would feel uncomfortable around that many mirrors)