If Kate Gosselin plays her cards right she could soon be the flagship of two TV shows.

Jon & Kate Plus 8 being the first, of course. That’s obvious. Her second show isn’t as conventional. That’s because Hugh Hefner has recently offered to pay to digitally add Gosselin to every single Diane-episode of Cheers that was ever filmed. Using Forrest Gump technology she’d be seen sitting between Norm & Cliff gnawing on pretzels & slobbery mail bags.

We would watch that. What we wouldn’t watch is anything where-in her clothes were off. That, in actuality, is where Hefner enters the story.

Well it’s good news and bad news for Kate Gosselin. The good news is that even though her husband hates her now and wishes she was never born, Hugh Hefner still finds her endlessly fascinating. Of course, given his age this could just be because she wears so many bright colours and styles her hair like a pregnant chicken, but still, she’s got what it takes to catch a man’s attention.

Hugh Hefner does find himself wondering what her magical milk-makers look like under all those shirts though, and he’d wager most men in America are desperate to know too.

He’s wrong, of course, but he’s allegedly offered her $400,000 to find out anyway. This according to the New York Daily News:

The octomom is said to have received a $400,000 offer from Hef to take it all off for Playboy, but she doesn’t plan to reveal her lady bits in the nudie mag. “Hugh sent her a letter, but Kate was totally mortified and threw it away! She didn’t think it was appropriate because of the children.”

Sorry Hugh, but it seems Kate is keeping her privies private. Jon, on the other hand, offered to sell this picture of what Kate usually looks like for under $10,000:

That’s a right steal, if you ask us – and authentically realistic! Still not good enough? Well that’s because you’re a hungry-eyed pervert. One thing you’ll have to look forward to though, pervert, is a glimpse of the extracted stomach skin Kate had removed in her tummy tuck surgery. Gosselin’s far to modest to pose for the cold, cold camera, but she’ll sure let you see her former front-flab. It’s been flying at a leathery half-mast in her yard ever since that last Kennedy died – just a’ flappin’ in the wind. Bravely flappin’. Flappin’ for America.

We hear it’s getting it’s own show on Spike TV.

We honestly heard that.

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It’s got to be difficult being Hugh Hefner. A life surrounded by thousands of bouncy post-op women and actual vats of cash would be difficult for any man.

On top of that he’s got to keep crazy hours sneaking about at night with his secret elite paedophile organisation. They’re always hiding under kids’ beds and in their closets with sweaty fists tightly gripping inside-out underoos. And at his age – that’s a lot of sleep he’s skipping.

It’s probably untrue, to be quite honest. But one ‘reincarnated’ Greek goddess is suing him because she thinks it is.

As any secret, predatory, paedophile gang worth a spit will tell you – to thrive in total anonymity you’ve really got to get a famous face to front your organisation. Seriously. That’s probably because when you get found out it’ll make you more relatable (if not down-right likable) to the public. Enter Hugh Hefner, then.

Or don’t, actually. You see, chances really are he’s been too busy promising button-bursting 18-year-olds babies for the past six decades to really have time to assault sexy toddlers in their own nurseries. One lady though – she’s suing him for billions under that very claim. If you think it sounds crazy so far – you ain’t heard nothing yet. This is apparently from a letter/statement the unnamed accuser sent to the Superior Court of California:

“Yes, sir I am asking for 3 billion dollars from Mr. Hefner. He’s been after me since I was a baby. Along with a pedifile organization here in L.A. When I was bout 5 yrs. Old He mysteriously was underneath my bed and he grabbed my arm and said that he and forsay the beatles and he mentioned the names of them. I asked like in my head since I’m a hat everyone in the world here’s my thought’s, a good way to establish peace…”

We know what you’re thinking – Hugh Hefner should be arrested this very minute! But wait – there’s more:

“Hugh has made it with the pedifile organization hard to work, my stuff ens up disappearing and my family that I grew up with there’s so jeoulousits like insanous but Hugh Hefner is the one That was the start of helping the pedifilement Hugh Hefner and the head person’s of the pedifile family…”

We’re not done yet:

“I consider my hat my telepathy from God and I also carry the beautifiliest angel lusefer in me cause I remember being the Goddess Venus see me and odeseyues God of wine and Zeus, in which I have a different perspective on such a God well you know well built, a body like a brick house like a God that rules…”

Well she makes slightly more sense then Kendra, right? Of course she does.

Now sit back and take a breath. Touch the top of your head to make sure it wasn’t just blown off. Still there? Good. If it’s not you should find all the pieces and get them on ice.

We’re still not done with the crazy quotes, you know. That lady babbled on for like three pages in small print. Of course – you probably would too if you thought your story would fill your wallet with a literal three billion dollars of Hefner-dough. Imagine how much therapy that could get this lady? Well with that in mind, we certainly hope this thing makes it all the way to court on a day the judge particularly hates old men with silicone stuck to the roof of their dentures.

If you want to see more crazy lady-ranting you’ll have to download the rest for yourself. Skip on over to TMZ and find the PDF file. Guaranteed to be the weirdest, saddest, bleakest, most dismal, distressing and depressing thing you’ve read all day.

Kinda makes you question this thing called life, doesn’t it?

-Sniff-

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re in a warm bath and apparently we need to find a longer extension cord for our toaster.

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Thank you Kendra Wilkinson. You’ve brightened up our day immensely by a) not dying and b) getting married.

We’re in your debt. Kendra Wilkinson got married to Hank Baskett on Saturday, proving that while Michael Jackson’s death was sad, it couldn’t never stop something as profound as love.

And, no, we don’t really know who Kendra Wilkinson or Hank Baskett are either. But that’s not important. Look, it was either this or another story about Michael Jackson. Do you want us to keep banging on about Michael Jackson? Do you? Because we can. You don’t? Good. Now shut up.

Kendra Wilkinson has had a hard life. Accidentally named after what we can only imagine is a 1950s kitchen appliance as a baby, Kendra has stumbled from one bad decision to another throughout her entire existence.

And perhaps the biggest bad decision of these involved agreeing to be one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends. True, because of this Kendra Wilkinson got fame, wealth and the chance to live in faded, slightly grubby luxury – but there’s also a strong chance that she had to physically touch Hugh Hefner’s genitals more than once, and being made to cup what appears to be two mouldy walnuts and an exhausted-looking length of uncooked sausagemeat in a loose parcel of chicken wattle with your bare hands is probably something that stays with a girl.

But as of Saturday Kendra Wilkinson was able to put all of those bad decisions behind her and start again completely from scratch by getting married to her boyfriend Hank Baskett. The wedding was a clean break from the past. There was no mention of Playboy or Hugh Hefner – it was just Kendra Wilkinson and Hank Baskett, and that’s all that either of them needed.

Except that, you know, most of the guests were Kendra’s old Playboy model chums. And Hugh Hefner was there. And the entire poxy bloody wedding took place at the Playboy mansion. Still, at least that was it – having a wedding at an ex-boyfriend’s house is sort of fine, we guess, so long as nothing too creepy took place. People reports:

Before some 300 guests, including ex-boyfriend Hugh Hefner, the bride and groom Hank Baskett recited traditional vows. Wilkinson wore a white dress with a “tight bodice and poofy skirt”… Like the wedding, the reception was very traditional. While Wilkinson and Baskett danced the first dance to George Strait’s “I Cross My Heart,” the bride saved the second dance for Hefner.

Oh COME ON. Your SECOND DANCE was with Hugh Hefner? WHY? Why would you even DO that, Kendra Wilkinson? What happened after that? Where was the honeymoon? The inside of Hugh Hefner’s mouth? Up Hugh Hefner’s bum? Because that’s where it seems like it should be. Honestly Kendra Wilkinson, we give up. We actually give up.

Although, you know what? If getting married in her ex-boyfriend’s house and then having her second-ever dance as a married woman with the same ex-boyfriend makes Kendra Wilkinson happy, we’re not going to judge her. After all, it worked when Ivana Trump got married in Donald Trump’s garden, didn’t it?

What? It didn’t work? The marriage barely lasted seven months? Oh. Well that sort of negates our point a little bit, then. Whoops.

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OK, sorry. That was a misleading headline. Kendra Wilkinson probably isn’t the Virgin Mary, on account of the fact that she looks like a bit of a slapper.

However, we can state with some degree of authority that Kendra Wilkinson is definitely going to give birth to the second coming of Jesus, on account of the fact that she’s pregnant and her new baby is going to be born on Christmas day.

And also because Kendra Wilkinson’s ex-boyfriend is Hugh Hefner who, while not God, is technically just about as old as God. It all adds up, really, doesn’t it?

Kendra Wilkinson is living proof that having blonde hair and ridiculously outsized boobs doesn’t automatically make you famous. This is because a) the day you start referring to crushingly generic Playboy booby models like Kendra Wilkinson as famous is the day you stop being taken seriously as a human being, and b) even if Kendra Wilkinson was famous – which we’d like to again reiterate that she’s not – then it’d be a title she’s fought hard to win.

After all, Kendra Wilkinson wasn’t just a Playboy model – for a while there she was also one of Hugh Hefner’s flock of uncomfortably similar-looking girlfriends, a thankless task which we imagine involves little more than changing his bedpan three times a day in a sexy wipe-clean bra. And you have to admit, if that was your job you’d want a little recognition for it as well.

Anyway, Kendra Wilkinson and Hugh Hefner are no more. At the tail end of last year Kendra broke Hugh’s heart – something that’s only achieved through deep emotional loss or, in Hugh’s case, his elderly body’s inability to break down saturated fats – but that’s not to say that the story doesn’t have a happy ending. Hugh Hefner has already moved on romantically to what can only be described two orange foetuses in Pamela Anderson wigs, while Kendra has only gone and got herself knocked up already.

That’s not a shock in itself – Kendra Wilkinson is engaged to professional sportsman Hank Baskett and will marry him at the end of the month – but what is surprising is that she’s due to have her baby on Christmas day. So how did Kendra Wilkinson react to the news that her pregnancy was set to end on one of the most spiritually important days of the religious calendar? With admirable sensitivity and restraint, that’s how. Kendra told E! Online:

“I’ve thrown up in almost every limo that has taken me out in the last week. God, they hate me right now.”

It brings a tear to the eye, doesn’t it? In fact, it does actually make us wish that Kendra Wilkinson was carrying the second coming of Christ, just because it’d make such an adorable Nativity scene. Imagine – Kendra Wilkinson puking her guts up in a limo with a baby hanging out of her knickers, with the three wise men replaced by topless triplets rubbing their boobs together and Hugh Hefner trying to cop a feel under the Archangel Gabriel’s skirt because he can’t tell if it’s supposed to be a man or a woman.

Yes, that’s definitely something we’d like to see schoolchildren try and re-enact for their horrified parents each year onstage. Make it so, Kendra.

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Sorry. We just thought that it’d make a nice change from you having to read the headline ‘Hugh Hefner’s New Girlfriend Is A Dim-Looking Blonde Woman With Great Big Tits’ for once. We were thinking of you, honest.

But anyway, who is Hugh Hefner’s new girlfriend? Why it’s Crystal Harris, a dim-looking blonde woman with great big tits and… no, actually that’s it. Basically we’re saying that if you removed Crystal Harris’ hair and breasts, you’d essentially be left with a doorstop.

2009 looks set to be a magical year for Hugh Hefner. It’s the year he’ll celebrate his 83rd birthday, at which point the thought of him having sex with a robotic bimbo a quarter of his age will miraculously become incrementally creepier.

And make no mistake, Hugh Hefner is going to have lots of creepy borderline-arthritic sex with robotic bimbos a quarter of his age this year. For a while at the tail-end of last year it didn’t look like it’d happen, with girlfriends leaving him either because they wanted to get married to athletes or because they wanted to find a boyfriend whose naked body didn’t look and feel exactly like a big pink chicken wattle. We presume.

But this year Hugh Hefner is back up to his wazoo in girlfriends. He has the teenage twins from his Christmas card who rarely wear more than a thin coat of emulsion, and now he’s decided to reveal the latest name in his roster. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for you to meet Crystal Harris.

Yes, Crystal Harris. That’s really her name. We believe it’s because she’s got an arsehole made of quartz. But that’s neither here or there. We’ll let the New York Daily News do the introductions:

“I believe in opening your heart and letting your walls down, it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all,” Harris says on her site, which is peppered with Disney characters, cute animals, inspirational quotes and plenty of pink. And, of course, the ubiquitous lingerie photos. Harris hasn’t posed for her boyfriend’s magazine.

So, she likes opening her heart and letting her walls down, eh? We’re not too sure we’d trust this Crystal Harris character as a cardiac surgeon or an architect if we’re honest. Unless both of those things were just euphemisms for her vagina. In which case we might consider letting her perform some form of minor open-chest surgery on us, but only under the proper supervision.

Aside from the blonde hair and the big boobs, it goes without saying that Hugh Hefner likes Crystal Harris for her mind. And who wouldn’t, when her MySpace page lists such a diverse array of interests:

“the rain, the seasons, fast cars, good food, volunteering, great company, caring and honest people, the ocean and animals.”

Ah, the rain and seasons, even though one of those aforementioned seasons is generally notorious for a lack of rain. And notice that while Crystal Harris likes great company, she only likes good food. Serve her great food and she’ll spit it all back in your face, you worthless bastard. Also, we can’t help but notice that Crystal Harris missed ‘having sex with millionaire octogenarians purely because they’ll let me be in their reality TV show and they might leave me the mansion when they die’ off the list.

Funny that.

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And that’s that Christmas is a time when even the world’s most frail-looking 82-year-old man can live out his increasingly creepy wish-fulfilment fantasies by posing with two 19-year-old twins who’ve had their boobs slathered with paint.

And thanks to Karissa and Kristina Shannon, that’s exactly what Hugh Hefner got to do – Hugh’s Christmas card this year features him standing between the bodypainted Karissa and Kristina Shannon with a facial expression situated somewhere between ’smug’ and ‘kidnap victim’. God bless us, every one.

Hugh Hefner’s had a rough year. Not only has the wealth of free porn on the internet basically rendered Playboy irrelevant, but his personal life has taken a bit of a kicking, too. First, Hugh Hefner’s generic blonde booby model of a girlfriend left him, shortly followed by another generic blonde booby model of a girlfriend. Honestly, it’s almost as if topless models in the prime of their life aren’t attracted to creepy old octogenarians any more.

But if Hugh Hefner has learnt anything from this business, it’s that when one door closes another one opens – and behind that door you’ll usually find a couple of bright orange topless identical twins who are totally prepared to kiss each other with tongues in front of feeble old pensioners if it’ll make them a tiny bit famous.

And that’s how Hugh Hefner got together with Karissa and Kristina Shannon – two topless models (and aggravated assault arrestees) less than a quarter of Hefner’s age. We’re not sure what Karissa and Kristina Shannon saw in Hugh Hefner – maybe an old-school sophistication that you just don’t get from the younger generation, maybe the timeless twinkle in his eyes or maybe the massive house, reality TV show and huge possibility that he’ll die soon and leave everything to them. The truth is we just don’t know.

The important thing is that Hugh Hefner is happy with Karissa and Kristina Shannon. So happy, in fact, that he’s decided to put them on the front of his Christmas card this year.

That’s right – if you’re friends with Hugh Hefner, then this Christmas you’ll have received a card featuring Karissa and Kristina Shannon covered in bodypaint and flanking Hugh Hefner, who looks like the cat who got the cream, then realised the cream was actually twins who liked to touch each other on the boob and then got a bit sexually intimidated by the cream. News10 reports:

Even Christmas can’t be void of the sexy conduct displayed by Hugh Hefner and his Playboy co-eds. This year’s Christmas card will feature Hef with his new twin girlfriends, Karissa and Kristina Shannon. Hef is sporting his signature silk robe and pajamas while his latest girlfriends have pink body paint covering their chests in what is shaped as a mini-tank top donning the name ‘hef’.

But, as weird and creepy as it is to see 82-year-old Hugh Hefner standing next to two naked twins young enough to be his granddaughters, you have to pray that his relationship with Karissa and Kristina Shannon lasts.

Because if it doesn’t, next year’s Christmas card will feature Hugh Hefner and some naked 18-year-old triplets. And then, the year after that, naked 17-year-old quadruplets. And if Hugh Hefner manages to live until he’s 90? Well, nobody wants to see naked 11-year-old decaplets, do they? Not at Christmas.

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First Hugh Hefner’s heart was broken by the loss of his number one girlfriend Holly Madison, who made the somewhat perplexing decision to run off with a rubbish emo magician. And now one of his other girlfriends – the equally generic titty model Kendra Wilkinson – has decided to leave Hugh Hefner and get engaged to an American football player as well.

Although Hugh Hefner seems to remain on good terms with Kendra Wilkinson, this news must have nevertheless bruised him quite badly. After all, it’s hardly as if Hugh Hefner lives in a great big house stuffed full of identical booby halfwits all willing to have gruesome, underwhelming sex with a frail 82-year-man just because they’ll probably get a minor role on a crappy reality TV show out of it, is it? Oh.

Hugh Hefner has never wanted for female company. He’s dedicated his entire life to living out a sexually progressive agenda that’s allowed him to have instant quibble-free sex on demand with any number of women who all look so freakishly similar that there’s a strong chance they’ve all been glooped out of a pulsating Alien-style egg tube.

But lately it looks as though the only female company that Hugh Hefner gets is from the women who occasionally visit to wipe his bottom or make sure that he hasn’t been lying at the foot of his stairs meekly calling for help for more than a couple of weeks at a time.

It was only a few weeks ago that Hugh Hefner’s number one girlfriend Holly Madison dumped him, started hanging around with the world’s most easily-ridiculed magician and took to bleating on about how high maintenance Hugh was. And now Hugh Hefner has been dealt another cruel hand.

It turns out that Hugh Hefner’s number three girlfriend, Kendra Wilkinson, has left him too. According to reports, Kendra Wilkinson has decided that, rather than stick around to act out each and every sexual whim of a sleazy old man, she’s going to get married to Philadelphia Eagles receiver Hank Baskett. People reports:

“[She] has met someone who she would like to spend the rest of her life with,” Hefner said in a statement on Thursday. The Playboy mogul says Baskett proposed to Wilkinson on Saturday. I have given her my blessing and will be giving her away at a very special wedding ceremony at the Playboy Mansion this coming June,” the statement adds.

Oh good. At least Hugh Hefner is going to be giving Kendra Wilkinson away. There’s definitely nothing creepy about that.

However, just because he’s lost Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson in short succession, it’s not all bad news. After all, he may have bid farewell to his number one girlfriend and his number three girlfriend, but that still leaves Hugh Hefner with his number two girlfriend Bridget Marquardt, who’s presumably called his number two girlfriend because she lets him stick it up her pooper.

And besides, rumour has it that Hugh Hefner has replaced Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson with 19-year-old twins named Karissa and Kristina Shannon. You see? Hugh Hefner will never be lonely. Thank God for opportunistic moral-free fame-hungry tit models who couldn’t give off more of a gold-digger vibe if they chopped one of their own legs off.

It hasn’t, of course – which is why we’ve still got the horn for Fidel Castro – but it did come close. For the life of us, we couldn’t work out why the pretty young topless model Playmate Holly Madison split up with a wrinkled old almost-dead pensioner like Hugh Hefner.

And now we know. Speaking about the split, Holly Madison has said that she ended things with Hugh Hefner because he was so ‘high maintenance’. And, coming from a woman who looks like she needs six hours each morning to paint herself exactly the right shade of orange transvestite, that must be really saying something.

It’s never hard to split up with someone. Finding the right words can be a struggle. “It’s not you, it’s me” would be perfect if it wasn’t such a cliche. Or there’s “I just need some me time,” except that tends to make you look like the planet’s biggest twat.

There is always “You’re just too high maintenance for me,” though, which is perfect – an equal mix between vague and scathing. Call someone high maintenance and, while they’re busy picking apart their personalities, you can skip away without revealing that you’ve actually been having it off with the girl from your badminton club.

The genius of the high maintenance accusation is paying dividends for Holly Madison. Although she found fame as Hugh Hefner’s number one girlfriend for over a year, Holly Madison recently dumped Hefner and left him heartbroken. Why? That’s right – because Hugh Hefner is apparently high maintenance, as the New York Daily News reports:

Hugh Hefner’s former No. 1 girlfriend is excited about her future dating prospects – just as long as they’re not like her famous ex. “It might be refreshing to date someone who is not high maintenance,” Holly Madison told “Extra” in an interview set to air on Wednesday. “Sorry, Hef … I love you, but you know you’re high maintenance.”

But what does Holly Madison actually mean when she says that Hugh Hefner is high maintenance? We’ve rattled Holly’s statement through the Hecklerspray Truth Computer, and here are the options it threw up:

1 - Holly Madison would like a boyfriend who doesn’t need to have his food cut up into little chunks before he can eat it and, ideally, is able to wipe his own bottom.

2 - Holly Madison would like a boyfriend who is able to get an erection without pharmaceutical assistance, three hours of manual coercing, a winch and the song We’ll Meet Again by Vera Lynn played on a loop.

3 - Holly Madison would like an elderly millionaire boyfriend who’s at least willing to pretend that he knows why she’s with him and is prepared to write her into his will accordingly.

But regardless of the reason behind the split, we hope that all this new freedom has made Holly Madison happy, and that she’ll soon be able to settle down with someone less high maintenance. Someone like her current squeeze Criss Angel, even though he looks like exactly the sort of man who’d get into a fistfight with you if you used his hair straighteners without permission.

But you know who does? Criss Angel, the magician who’d be just like David Blaine if only David Blaine a) did magic tricks any more and b) constantly walked around in clothes that made him look like an emo weekend dad having a chronic mid-life crisis regardless of how much of a ridiculous tithole everyone thinks he is.

But Criss Angel must be doing something right, because he’s Holly Madison’s new boyfriend. Word has it that Criss Angel ensnared Madison by performing a number of magic tricks that Hugh Hefner could never do, like running up the stairs, doing the Can-Can and getting an erection unaided. But can Criss Angel doze off in an armchair in the afternoon while doing some gentle Sudoku? No he can’t – Hefner will always have that.

Here’s where we’ve been going wrong with the ladies. We’re not in our forties, we don’t dress in an utterly age-inappropriate way, we haven’t got hair that we seem to have copied from a Funeral For A Friend video, we don’t wear so much pretend-Gothic jewellery that we look like a negative of Mr T at a pikey seance, we’ve never had a knock on the head that’s caused us to believe we’re actually the lead character from The Crow and we don’t share a profession with Paul Daniels.

In short, we’re not Criss Angel. Criss Angel is all of those things, and his appeal to women is as undeniable as it is completely baffling. In his time, if rumours are to be believed, Criss Angel has worked his way through everyone from Cameron Diaz to Britney Spears, all with the aid of nothing more than old-fashioned mysticism and a profound absence of self-respect.

And now Criss Angel seems to have moved onto Playboy Playmate and Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriend Holly Madison. It seems as though Angel’s thing is blondes with big boobs. Antony Worral Thompson must be bricking it.

Anyway, the relationship between Criss Angel and Holly Madison was more or less confirmed at the opening night of his new Las Vegas collaboration with Cirque Du Soleil entitled either Great: Magic Needed To Be More Pointlessly Theatrical, Didn’t It or Sorry You Couldn’t Get Tickets For That Beatles Show: We Hope This Will Do or something, as People reports:

Angel and Madison have been spotted kissing and snuggling over the last several weeks in Las Vegas, but remain somewhat coy about their relationship. “This is one of the most special evenings for me in my life and I can not think of a more beautiful person, a more special person, inside and out, than Holly to spend it with,” Angel said.

That would almost be sweet, wouldn’t it, apart from two main points. Firstly, we could have done without the mental image of Criss Angel exploring Holly Madison’s insides, and secondly it only seems like a couple of days ago that Hugh Hefner was admitting how sad he was when Holly Madison split up with him. It seems a bit thoughtless to rub Hefner’s nose in it by getting off with an emo gimp like Criss Angel so soon afterwards, doesn’t it?

On the other hand, perhaps this is a step in the right direction for Holly Madison. After all, there was a 54-year age difference between her and Hugh Hefner, and only a 12-year gap between her and Criss Angel. Perhaps, with a bit of time and a lot of hard work, Holly Madison will one day be able to reduce that gap to something that doesn’t make us feel a bit creeped out at all. Fingers crossed.

Apparently Hugh Hefner has been dumped his number one girlfriend Holly Madison – a woman 54 years younger than him who looks like she was reared in a battery-farm for titty bimbos – and all because Hugh refused to marry her.

Touchingly, Hugh Hefner seems quite sad about the split. There’s no need for him to be – after all, he shouldn’t forget the old saying ‘there are plenty more opportunistic young women who’ve mutilated their bodies for the sake of beauty that are willing to fellate a very old man even though it clearly disgusts them on the off-chance that he’ll write them into his will and make them rich when he dies’. Um, ‘in the sea’.

Hugh Hefner has lived the male dream to the letter. Boys, at one point or another, haven’t we all wished that we could grow old trapped in a gaudy shrine to our own sleaziness surrounded by women who are effectively paid to have a fleeting superficial interest in us in a way that keeps highlighting our chronic inability to form genuine emotional bonds with people? Well, haven’t we?

Of course we have. Hugh Hefner is a lucky man.

Lucky, but sad. Although last year Hugh Hefner vowed to settle down with his girlfriend Holly Madison, it looks like that relationship has hit the skids. Apparently Holly Madison left Hugh Hefner because he refused to marry her and she was insulted by his lack of commitment, not the way that she wouldn’t automatically get half of his stuff as soon as he dies in the next couple of years.

And although Hugh Hefner has made his career by playing Mr Free And Easy, it seems like he’s actually really quite glum about being dumped by an utterly indistinguishable sexbot young enough to be his granddaughter. AP reports:

“If Holly says it’s over, I guess it’s over… She’s still here in the house. Until a few days ago, we were still sharing the same bed… There’s been moments that I’ve been down in the dumps about all this, and (personal assistant) Mary (O’Connor) told me to cheer up and pointed out that there are girls lined up outside the front gate. At my age, that’s hard to believe, but it seems to be true.”

That’s the spirit, Hugh! Up and at ‘em again! Holly Madison may have broken your heart, but there are 50 other girls who look exactly like her, talk exactly like her and give off that exact same creepy golddigger vibe as her, and they’re all desperate to ride your brittle, increasingly gaunt skeleton until one of you dislocates something.

So pick yourself up, Hugh Hefner, down a couple of handfuls of viagra and get right back in the saddle again. You mustn’t die of a broken heart!

At least not while you’re so close to getting Miley Cyrus to show you her boobs, anyway.

What? Miley Cyrus is only 15? Well, um, obviously we were joking about that sex object bit. The supple, milky-white backs of teenage girls are so disgusting to us that we think they should all be burnt with flaming torches. But Playboy’s Hugh Hefner has another idea. You can probably guess what it involves.

That’s right – Hefner has asked Miley Cyrus to appear naked in Playboy. But don’t worry, because Miley Cyrus won’t be getting naked for Playboy until she’s 18, the age where people immediately stop having moral objections to teenage nudity. Until then, though, it looks like you’ll just have to wait until the inevitable Miley Cyrus naked internet photos. Perverts.

Phew, this Miley Cyrus thing has really started to calm down. When those Miley Cyrus underwear photos were so quickly followed by the not especially topless Vanity Fair pictures, the storm was so huge that we didn’t think it’d ever die down. But, after what seems like an age, people are finally starting to leave Miley alone.

And not a moment too soon. After all, not only does Disney need Miley Cyrus to keep making it lots of money, but Miley is a teenage girl, and she was only doing what teenage girls do – letting one of the world’s most famous photographers take slightly risque photo of her bare back and then blaming the same photographer as soon as they’re published and people get upset.

What’s more, tomorrow sees the release of Miley Cyrus’ Got Milk advert, and the last thing a 15-year-old girl in the middle of a sex scandal needs is a photo of her top lip covered in a creamy liquid. No, the Miley Cyrus is dead, and that’s the best place for it to be.

Except that Playboy founder Hugh Hefner has just decided to offer Miley Cyrus a chance to pose naked in his magazine. Whoops. The Boston Globe reports:

Hugh Hefner wants 15-year-old Miley Cyrus to pose naked in Playboy. The 82-year-old tycoon thinks the ‘Hannah Montana’ star… would be a hit with readers of the adult magazine when she turns 18. He said: “She would be welcomed in the magazine. She’s a very pretty lady.” He added to US TV show ‘Extra’: “I think to make such a big to-do over something as innocent as those photos. I think is a reflection on how schizophrenic America is about sexuality.”

Schizophrenic? Well, that’s exactly what you’d expect from a pornmonger like Hugh Hefner. Not us, though – naked teenage girls make us feel sick, and if we ever saw an underage girl taking her clothes off, we’d punch her square in the face as hard as we could.

However, we should point out that Hugh Hefner doesn’t want Miley Cyrus to appear in Playboy until she’s 18. And that’s actually OK, because that way a) Miley Cyrus will have made the choice as an adult to bare her flesh within the comfort of the law and b) we’ll get to see what Miley Cyrus’ boobs look like and if we’re lucky she won’t have aged much by then and still look a bit like a little girl. It’s a deal where everyone wins.

Especially Miley Cyrus. After all, her Dad is a country singer, and once she’s posed naked for Playboy she’ll be just a drug addiction and an abusive marriage away from filling in all the items in the country singer’s daughter to-do list. Again, everyone wins.

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Miley Cyrus’ Playboy offer – Boston