Incredibly Old Hugh Hefner To Marry 26-Year Old Gold-digger

Hugh Hefner and Crystal HarrisSorry, ladies … Hugh Hefner is off the market. The 86-year old Playboy founder plans to marry his on-again girlfriend, 26-year old Playmate Crystal Harris, on New Year’s Eve. Let me repeat that for emphasis. Hugh Hefner is 86 years old and he is going to marry a really hot 26-year old who is presumably neither mentally incompetent nor blind.

Crystal and Hef were previously engaged in 2011, but called the wedding off at the last minute. Their split was amicable at first, but eventually turned ugly with allegations of infidelity on both sides.

In a classy move, Crystal divulged some intimate and troubling details about her relationship with Hef to Howard Stern on his radio show, such as that she and Hef only had sex once and that it lasted “two seconds.” Crystal said laughingly:

“I’m not turned on by Hef, sorry.”

She later recanted those unkind statements, saying that she was intimidated by Howard and felt pressured to say those things. Evidently Hef was willing to accept her apology for criticizing his undoubtedly lion-like sexual prowess, and Crystal moved back into the Playboy Mansion in June of this year. She put an end to speculation about their reunion by tweeting:

“Yes @hughhefner and I are back together. Yes I am his #1 girl again. Yes we are happy. Hope that clears up any confusion! xo”

Crystal Harris on Playboy cover

Before we go any farther, let’s pause and put this whole thing in perspective. Hef is 86 … and not a virile, energetic 86, if there is such a thing, but a wizened, pervy 86. Crystal is 26 years old. That’s a sixty year age gap. People cluck about the age differences between couples like J.Lo and Casper Smart (18 years), George Clooney and Stacey Kiebler (also 18 years), not to mention the 35 year age gap between barely legal skank Courtney Stodden and her utterly repellent husband Doug Something.

Hef has historically dated women much younger than him, and many of them at a time … it’s nothing new. That fact is not shocking anymore. What’s shocking is that any woman could be such a Class A whore, so devoid of any self-respect, so transparently out for money, that she would pretend to love a man sixty fucking years older than her as anything other than a great-grandfather.

The wedding is planned for New Year’s Eve at the Playboy Mansion. The blushing bride, no doubt awash in fluttery sex-charged nerves in anticipation of losing her virginity to her 86-year old, Viagra-fueled stallion on their conjugal bed, probably just at the stroke of midnight, recently shared these profound and courageous words over Twitter, words that we should all strive to live by:

“Dear past, thank you for all the lessons. Dear future, I’m ready.”

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Comments

  1. says

    Spot on! But please, speak for yourself, not any woman could be such a whore, most but not all.
    In the past, when a young woman was forced by her family to marry a much older man it was considered a tragedy, and neither money nor position such marriages usually brought would serve as consolation for the victim. To-day women (and men) mentally degraded to the point that the thirst for money seems to override the natural involuntary retching reaction at the idea of going to bed with (or just rubbing against) a fly-blown mummy. Imagine the amount of desensitisation (both physical and moral) it takes to bring yourself even to think of having some sort of warped (for obvious reasons) sexual activity with a decrepit oldster.
    Or maybe it’s just that these women are actually so unattractive that no young man would have them even for free.
    As for the last quote, which is a monumental philosophical doctrine in itself (the lesson of the past — being a slut pays off), it sounds appropriate before taking a headlong dive from the100 m cliff.

  2. Randy Ree says

    Hugh; How dumb are you?. You are 86 years old and are acting like you are 20. The furthest thing from your mind should be marriage. Don’t you know that you are being used, open your eyes up.

  3. Lisa3 says

    They are of age so my best to them both though I think she is just furthering her career and pockets. I look at it like this is Hef was 60 this woman would just have been born. Money allows some of the craziest things t happen. You know she wouldn’t be marrying him if he wasn’t who he is.

  4. mike b says

    Incredibly old? I wasn’t aware that there was anything incredible about the age 86. 106? Most definitely; 96? Sure, I guess. But not 86.. Sure, the age gap between them is significant, but so what? Hugh Hefner isn’t retarded, he knows what’s going on in this woman’s head. If he wants to take the plunge, then good for him. Lol