Sorry, ladies … Hugh Hefner is off the market. The 86-year old Playboy?founder plans to marry his on-again girlfriend, 26-year old Playmate Crystal Harris, on New Year’s Eve. Let me?repeat that for emphasis. Hugh Hefner is 86 years old and he is going to marry a really hot 26-year old who is presumably neither mentally incompetent nor blind.
Crystal and Hef were previously engaged in 2011, but called the wedding off at the last minute. Their split was amicable at first, but eventually turned ugly with allegations of infidelity on both sides.
In a classy move, Crystal divulged some intimate and troubling details about her relationship with Hef to Howard Stern on his radio show, such as?that she and Hef only had sex once and that it lasted “two seconds.” Crystal said laughingly:
“I’m not turned on by Hef, sorry.?
She later recanted those unkind statements, saying that she was intimidated by Howard and felt pressured to say those things. Evidently Hef was willing to accept her apology for criticizing his undoubtedly lion-like sexual prowess, and Crystal moved back into the Playboy Mansion in June of this year. She put an end to speculation about their reunion by tweeting:
?Yes @hughhefner and I are back together. Yes I am his #1 girl again. Yes we are happy. Hope that clears up any confusion! xo?
Before we go any farther, let?s pause and put this whole thing in perspective. Hef is 86 … and not a virile, energetic 86, if there is such a thing, but a wizened, pervy 86. Crystal is 26 years old. That’s a sixty year age gap. People cluck about the age differences between couples like J.Lo and Casper Smart (18 years), George Clooney and Stacey Kiebler (also 18 years), not to mention the 35 year age gap between barely legal skank Courtney Stodden and her utterly repellent husband Doug Something.
Hef has historically dated women much younger than him, and many of them at a time ? it?s nothing new. That fact is not shocking anymore. What?s shocking is that any woman could be such a Class A whore, so devoid of any self-respect, so transparently out for money, that she would pretend to love a man sixty fucking years older than her as anything other than a great-grandfather.
The wedding is planned for New Year?s Eve at the Playboy Mansion. The blushing bride, no doubt awash in fluttery sex-charged nerves in anticipation of losing her virginity to her 86-year old, Viagra-fueled stallion on their conjugal bed, probably just at the stroke of midnight, recently shared these profound and courageous?words over Twitter, words that we should all strive to?live by:
“Dear past, thank you for all the lessons. Dear future, I’m ready.?