Welcome back #friends, #romans and #teamfollowback! How the devil are you? Good. Good. Still beliebing? Us too. Yep. Despite it all. No, we didn’t do much for #Malickmonday either, we were too wiped out from #1Dmemories. Yeah, we know. Yeah, we must have used the whole tub of antiseptic wipes too. Boy, what a Friday night to remember that was. Who even needs repression anyway? So funny.

SO, after the roaring success of last week’s pilot feature Dr Heckle (two retweets, and a phone call off mother saying she hasn’t had time to read the article yet because she’d just bought Ice Age 3 on DVD, but that she still loves us because she didn’t have a Caesarean) we are back!

Like #Backstreet, and #Sexy, and #Shady, and #BabyGot are also unswervingly pretty back. We never let you guys down, because we’re all understanding and streetwise but still like to have a good time as long as we take care of our responsibilities lol. You know what we’re like when we get protective. Just think of it like this: We are the  Three Men and you are the Little Lady. Great. Now we’re on the same page.

(PS: That analogy never quite goes away, so you might as well just put the Dettol and the coat hanger back where you found them.)

Here is the latest celebrity cries for help that we have been, needless to say, a bit worried about this week. So we pulled in a few favours round the office (Oh bore off, of course we have an office. We could have an office) and have only gone and nabbed a bloody copy of Freud’s The Ego & The ID, and some only bloody Ben & Jerrys only bloody Cherry Garcia! Well, what can we say?

We know how to validate the heartbroken. *Somehow, somewhere, Sid James winks*

@Les_Dennis

I did Cinderellalla with Jennifer Ellison and she carried on with 2 broken ribs. She’s a trouper. Go Jen

Hello! Les Dennis! We guess! First off, really sorry to hear about the Amanda Holden divorce in 2003. Bit belated, but we’d feel like proper divheads if we didn’t say anything about it now at least.

Ah, Jennifer Ellison, or ‘The Cave of Wonders’ as we like to call her. (Private joke.) (Well, it’s because she looks like the sort of person who isn’t so unaccustomed to the idea of having a monkey’s hand digging her up for precious jewels. It’s a very private joke.)

Well Les, you know: Celebrity is as celebrity does, and sadly enough even talented, happy people get hurt, Jessie J will still slap on a fake plaster cast to prolong her cryogenic Brit Newcomer Award as long as possible. Just the way it is. We mean, hey! Just take a look through the archives. Dec from Ant and Dec hurt his arm in a cheeky Saturday Night Takeaway stunt once for example. Roman Polanksi’s pregnant wife Sharon Tate got brutally murdered by the Manson family, for another. The point is, every now and then some of our nearest and dearest friends get into a few scrapes. And also, coincidentally, so does Jennifer Ellison. It’s literally a double edged sword, but rest assured as far as Jennifer Ellison is concerned, Les. It’s what the rest of us do. Hey, it’s an existence, we suppose.

It was, interestingly enough, (Well, yknow, not ‘interestingly’, but something similar) the other part of your tweet (or @tweet, or #tweet or *tweet* or however we’re supposed to) about your current foray into the stage production Cinderellalla, which we’ll break down into a few sections in a process we like to call the seven psychological stages of change, okay? It’s nothing to do with Amanda Holden, we promise.  And there’s only three.

• Les - Some people are going to tell you that “Cinderellalla” (née Cinderella) is not a real play, and somewhere down the line, someone else is going to say something like “That thing Widow Twankie has in her dressing room isn’t even a real Olivier Award’. If this happens, always remember Les – that whatever they say, you have a story to tell, and by any account do not let these people make you want to stop telling it, and please don’t get depression again and look sad.
• Always remember that at every point in a young actor’s career, he gets upstaged by Cilla Black and her forays with sequins and a glue-gun. Why else did you think Marlon Brando rejected his Oscar?
• We’re kind of running on empty here, Les tbh. Please don’t get depression again and look sad.

@BrianMcFadden

My daughter just put brown sause on her superquinn sausage. Ashamed!

Dear Brian,

If having trouble deleting your Twitter account – try getting in touch with an on-hand tech team, who will erase your existence from the internet within the next 24 hours. In the meantime, Brian: Two words. No, not ‘An audience with’, that’s three. Just two words. No? Okay. Social services. Brian. Social services.

@AggrosSantos

What’s good in cinema right now ?

Wotcher, Aggros.

Thanks for your question. First off, we have to decide which way round we’re going to do this joke. Ie: do we cut our losses and link to a Top 10 list of Gasper Noe-stylistic revenge films, or go with a Disney rebuttal? The answer is of course c) We are professionals, we would never do such things, and The Lake House is a really fantastic piece.

Pass the popcorn!

@Danwooton

Poor Gareth…but this is hilarial!!! #CBB

Hey Dan. Love the journalism. We found a website that we thought might help make it even MORE coherent, if that could be humanly possible.

www.dictionary.com

Cheers, Dan. PS: We don’t think anybody’s watching Celebrity Big Brother, and even most morgues have BidTV nowadays?

@Seal

The End. tadaa.im/wY0Zu #tadaa

Hi Seal,

We know you’re hurting right now, but we think that #tadaa hashtag is a little bit jovial, given the circumstances and to be quite frank a little inappropiate. You have children.

@Rupertmurdoch

Why can’t we have sensible tweets. You’re mainly just crazy and fun to read. No loss of sleep here.

It’s just a self preservation thing really, Rupe.

———-

And that’s it for yet another week. And remember, if you’ve been having some troubles that you’ve been hoping to iron out on social networking – don’t hesitate to get in contact with us, with your Twitter name, your problem, and the postcode to both your nearest available location, and that of a large bucket of rocks (preferably the throwing kind). Now get out of our office that we definitely have.

Tulisa off of ‘N Dubz’ has split up with that other bloke Fazer out of ‘N Dubz’ because they were just having a hard time. What’s that you say? Not the best of starts to the week? Well congratu-bloody-lations on that nugget of wisdom, Sherlock. You THINK?

APPAZ (It’s definitely an ‘appaz’ moment. Please give us one ‘appaz’.) Tulisa moved out of the couple’s North London haunt, at some point sometime in the past week probably, and the only reason we’re a bit hazy on that is only because we’re very vulnerable and are having trouble keeping our calenders straight in our shaky callous fingers right now, before you start.

What’s more, it’s not been looking too good for the Camden childhood sweethearts as it was, seeing as their holiday in the Maldives the other day didn’t half go all post-traumatic stressy bessy anyway. We just really didn’t fancy mentioning that at the time, because we didn’t want to make your lovely little faces do that thing.. YES, THAT. THAT THING YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW. With the tears. Stop that. Think our problems are really as big as Sinead O Connor’s, do we? Mmm. Well maybe pour another glass of brandy, listen to Mandinka on a slower RPM, and then grow a heart. (Sorry, we’re still sad.)

In a faintly exhausting-sounding poll that we didn’t read because we were really busy talking to all of our very interesting friends about  ’current affairs in ‘the newspapers’ –  it’s apparently all the more likely that couples are splitting up because it’s all January and nobody wants to buy anybody that Valentines Card with the cock jokes on, coming out a speech bubble of a blissfully unaware, compliant cartoon penguin. Apparently. Oh and according to, and we kid you not, The PR Representative of Sheila’s Wheels (Or ‘Moses 2012′ if you will)  it’s because ‘It’s a bit dark outside and stuff.’

Well that clears up Seal and Heidi Klum then, who also erased our hopes of a Utopia where they are king and queen, dressed up in their discrimAMAZING Halloween outfits, as we moisturise them thoroughly on blinded awe this week.

Or: ‘they broke up too’ if you want to be more black and white about it. Seriously, you guys are all about the fun today.

However, like that bit in Casablanca where the PMS slaggy one is all ‘Come on Sam, put a donk on it’ (Commonly misquoted, as you all know) this particular love story ends with a glimmer of hope, where Tulisa went out on the razz, got bollocked, and got HER ‘Member of Little Mix with low self esteem’ out for all to see.

And as for Fazer, he’s doing a solo album with that sensuous temptress of the night that is Chris Brown of course.

So, here’s looking at… At least 12-18 months of community service, we estimate. God, we really love Casablanca, so romantic.

Just when we thought that 2012 was getting off to a rocking start, what with us discovering there was one less Kardashian in the world and all, Heidi Klum and Seal have to shit on our parade by announcing they are getting a divorce.

The golden couple, who must have Hitler spinning in his grave, are filing for divorce after six years of marriage, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’.

Heidi Klum is a human contradiction – by all rights, she should be a mega bitch, but no-one seems to have passed on the memo that if you’re a towering German supermodel worth over £20million, you’re TOTALLY within your rights to act like the biggest douche in the world.

Each year she totally owns Halloween by bypassing the slut/lingerie rule, her wedding included an Elvis impersonator and she’s near-naked in the press with delightful regularity.

The only way she could be more perfect would be if she had beer-flavoured nipples.

Seal had the right idea by keeping her pregnant for practically their whole marriage. Hell, if she was our wife she’d be branded and enjoying the view from our sex dungeon.

Seal, know how everyone says there’s plenty more fish in the sea?

This would be like throwing back a mermaid, then coming home with a bag of Iceland frozen prawns. Seriously, do whatever you have to do to keep hold of her.

If you need an angry mob with pitchforks, we can help you out buddy.

Halloween is just about the perfect festival. Why? Well, because there’s no stupid religion involved, you can get as drunk as you like, guilt free.

GUILT FREE!

Better yet, you can get drunk while dressed as a brain-eating zombie. What’s not to like? Apart from trick or treating children. NOTHING. THAT’S WHAT. And someone who really, really enjoys Halloween is Heidi Klum. She makes a real effort this time of year and so, we’re having a look at her best outfits from her Halloween ball.

Klum, who is married to Seal if you need to know that kind of terribly dull information, really pulls out the stops with her costumes.

Basically, she puts us all to shame. Massively.

If you think you look pretty good with a bit of blood on your face or felt really pleased because you dressed up like Elvira, you’ve got NOTHING on Klum.

SHE TORE HER SKIN OFF THIS YEAR.

And so, let us peer at her finest Halloween outfits and all wish we had the time and money she has.

The poo face.

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Heidi Klum has a new television show which sounds incredible. Seriously. Television is about to make a giant leap forward into unknown, daring new territory with Seriously Funny Kids, which chronicles the pant-soakingly hilarious things children say out loud from their snot-caked little mouth holes.

Klum, who is charisma incarnate and not in any way duller than mop water, stars in the unscripted series which features the model interacting with children and prodding them until they say something suitably funny. It is not clear whether Klum will be required to smile during the show.

However, while Klum really loves stupid children, there’s one thing that really sticks a sickle through her pickle… and that’s swearing. Y’know? Like saying ‘fuck’.

Klum, talking to a magazine like it had learning difficulties, slowly mouthed:

“When we’re around the children, we really make a point in our family to not curse or say potty words,”

“My husband and I try our best to make sure our kids are proper and have good manners. They’re already saying things that they shouldn’t be saying at their age.”

Of course they are. They meet other children and they just love a good swear don’t they?

Klum continued, talking about her eldest daughter

“Leni will sometimes come home and say, ‘What the…,’ and I say, ‘Leni, “What the…” isn’t a sentence. It’s inappropriate and you can’t say it.’”

Klum probably mutters “you little shit” under her breath as her daughter flounces off screaming “I HATE YOU! YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME!”

But wait! Klum isn’t a complete android!

“I’m not saying I’m a saint by any means! When I’m with grown-ups and we’re out, I curse sometimes and we say some inappropriate things. But when we’re at home, my husband and I try our best to make sure our children are proper and have good manners.”

Is swearing worse than repeating yourself? In fact, it isn’t surprising that her children swear. When daddy, who happens to be Seal (the singer, not the animal) starts crooning around the house, it must be nigh-on impossible not to say ‘what the fuck?!’

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Good tradition of love and hate.

Folded:

• The #tweetyour16yearoldself hashtag (starts out funny and then becomes your life story in 140 characters. Illuminating really)
• Heidi Klum’s Halloween costume (your one was rubbish)
• Boba Fett’s invoice for Jabba the Hutt (Carbonite costs more than you might think)
• The competition prizes on The Gadget Show (enough tech to literally bury your house in and then die searching for a free plug socket)
• Terminator 2 remade using Grand Theft Auto IV (this must have taken ages and you have to respect that)

Creased:

• Daybreak is doing well then (pity, the presenters are such a likeable couple. No desire to stick them in one of those traps in the Saw movies at all)
• Ikea kitchen advert (annoying friends of Mark Ronson have a shindig. Terrific cover of Jona Lewie’s You’ll Always Find Me In The Kitchen At Parties though. Oh, and look out for him in the video)
• Absence of trick or treaters (must have been because The X-Factor was on. How very sad)
• The call-in cost for The Gadget Show competition (sure, you don’t HAVE to call in but who can be bothered to send a postcard? £1.50 Is a lot of money when you still consider baked beans a meal)
• Movie t-shirts you will actually look cool wearing (especially this one)

Victoria’s Secret? Well, it’s not really a secret at all.

Want to sell some underwear? Just get some of the hottest women alive to prance around in it.

It’s that simple. Seriously, stick Heidi Klum in an advert for anything and we would be at the front of the queue. Even if it is thrush cream.

Job done. But who are the hottest Victoria’s Secret models of all? Well, all we can say is, we certainly enjoyed trying to find out.

20. Marisa Miller

19. Karen Mulder

18. Rebecca Romijn

17. Olga Kurylenko

16. Jill Goodacre

15. Angie Everhart

14. Jarah Mariano

13. Selita Ebanks

12. Daniela Pestova

11. Bar Refaeli

10. Estella Warren

9. Chandra North

7. Alessandra Ambrosio

6. Niki Taylor

5. Laetitia Casta

4. Heidi Klum

3. Miranda Kerr

2. Gisele Bundchen

1. Adriana Lima

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We love Sports Illustrated swimwear models here at hecklerspray.

Sure, we like looking at the pictures of beautiful girls but we also like to think they are performing an important role of getting more people interested in swimming. Well, put it this way, nothing has made us more interested in the breaststroke than the thought of a lovely girl in a tight-fitting bikini.

OK, enough of the terrible jokes and roll on the pictures of half-naked women…

30. Isabeli Fontana

29. Angela Lindvall

28. Selita Ebanks

27. Julie Henderson

26. Irina Sheik

25. Oluchi Onweagba

24. Bridget Hall

23. Melissa Haro

22. Kim Alexis

21. Cheryl Tiegs

20. Niki Taylor

19. Christie Brinkley

18. Naomi Campbell

17. Cindy Crawford

16. Rachel Hunter

15. Daniela Pestova

14. Bar Rafaeli

13. Beyonce Knowles

12. Ana Beatriz Barros

11. Michelle Behennah

10. Anna Kournikova

9. Veronika Varekova

8. Elle Macpherson

7. Molly Sims

6. Tyra Banks

5. Kathy Ireland

4. Chandra North

3. Marisa Miller

2. Heidi Klum

1. Rebecca Romijn

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Now that the war between Guitar Hero World Tour and Rock Band is hotter than ever, the time has come for you to pick a side.

On one hand, Rock Band has a bigger range of songs, a more satisfying multiplayer element and a forthcoming spin-off based on the works of The Beatles. But on the other hand, Guitar Hero World Tour has this – a video of Heidi Klum waggling her boobs around like she’s trying to put them out.

It’s a nice enough video and all – and certainly better than the earlier Guitar Hero World Tour advert featuring Michael Phelps having some kind of alarmingly doltish seizure – but if we’re honest we have a few concerns with the whole ‘Heidi Klum advertising Guitar Hero‘ thing:

1 – Does anyone else get the feeling that Heidi Klum would dance around in her bra for a human vivisection advert if it got her a second’s worth of attention?

2 - Judging by her routine and the way she’s holding the guitar, we’re not sure that Heidi Klum has ever played Guitar Hero World Tour. Or knows what Guitar Hero is. Or knows what a guitar is. Or, if we’re perfectly honest, if she can spell her own name without any help.

3 – Oh, sure, when Heidi Klum makes a video of herself dancing around in her underwear playing Guitar Hero everyone bangs on about how brilliant it is. But when we do it? Nothing but complaints. Complaints and nausea. And tears. And threats of an arrest. Stupid Heidi Klum.

Britney Spears has been through a living hell this year – a living hell that only Seal and his missus can properly fix.

It doesn't matter that Britney Spears is now being looked after by her family and seems to be making inroads into overcoming whatever problems she's suffered from, because it's fairly obvious that Britney Spears would receive far better treatment from a supermodel she's probably never met and her balladeering husband.

Which is why Heidi Klum has invited Britney Spears to come and live with her, either until Britney's completely better or until Heidi's children get so freaked out by Britney constantly rubbing herself and muttering in confusing British accents that they promise not to keep taking mummy for granted so much.

It's a well-known fact that Heidi Klum doesn't have blood running through her veins, but pure white healing light. There is literally nothing that Heidi Klum won't do for her fellow man. If you ask Heidi Klum for money, she'll definitely give it to you and maybe more, if the way she took pity on poor old scar-faced Seal off the Space Jam soundtrack and let him do it with her until she got pregnant is anything to go by. 

There's no doubt at the moment that the person most in need of a dose of Heidi Klum's philanthropic goodness is Britney Spears. She's been through so much, and nothing has really succeeded in helping her. Britney Spears got her kids taken away and that didn't make her better, Britney Spears ended up living in a padded cell and that didn't make her better – not even the time-honoured practise of mashing anti-psychotic drugs into her food could make Britney Spears better. 

Now it looks as if the short-leash conservatorship approach taken by her father is slowly helping Britney Spears to understand the magnitude of her problems, but in the eyes of some that's still not enough. Britney Spears, they say, will stay damaged until she goes to live with Heidi Klum for a while.

And by 'the eyes of some' we mean 'the eyes of Heidi Klum' as the Associated Press reports:

Heidi Klum wants to help Britney Spears. The 34-year-old model says she'd be willing to open her home to Spears while the troubled pop singer puts her life back together. "She can call me and come live in our house with us for a couple of months," said Klum, a mother of three who is married to the singer Seal and lives in Beverly Hills, Calif. "I would help set her straight. I am sorry when a young person gets thrown so off track," Klum said, according to a transcript of an interview that will be aired Monday night by the German broadcaster ARD. "She has, of course, lived an extremely wild life."

This stunning level of altruism has inspired everyone at hecklerspray to follow Heidi Klum's lead and help other people, too – next time we hear of a young person in crisis, we're going to do as Heidi did and open our doors to them. Also like Heidi did, we won't offer the troubled youngster help directly, but we'll mention it in passing in a language that they don't even speak on a TV show broadcast in a country that they wouldn't even be able to find on a map. 

Heidi Klum's our hero. Really, she's like the Pope or Bono or something.

Read more:

Klum Says She Wants to Help Spears – Associated Press