Mary Portas is widely renowned for having the poise and gait of a maimed Tyrannosaurus Rex and the retail miracle-worker has told Heat! magazine that she wants the opportunity to inject some sex appeal into David Cameron’s cabinet.

Without hecklerspray trying to force any political viewpoints down the throats of our readers, Tories are arseholes. That’s the traditional order of their political party. In order to make it, you either have to be a wretched, money-sucking scum-bucket or a super-intelligent shade of beige (see John Major) and there’s no place for any style, panache or even a hint of shagability.

That doesn’t mean that certain chinless morons who believe in fox hunting and using Britain’s poor as an underlay for their hall carpet wouldn’t strap one on and give big Dave Cameron a damned good rogering but on the whole, the British public isn’t supposed to want to have any kind of intercourse with their politicians.

Mary Portas, known as the Queen for Shops because that’s what a PR Company dubbed her is a woman who is so innately sexual that men fall at her feet, praying for one soft touch of her hand. Either that or she looks like Mick Jagger after expensive gene therapy and a cheap dye job. It’s not really our place to say.

Still, Portas knows what’s sexy. Speaking to a glossy magazine that wouldn’t even spit on hecklerspray if it was on fire, she said:

“If I were PM I’d bloody restyle all those women. I mean, the female Cabinet, what an ugly bunch.”

She knows what’s important, does the Queen of Shops. Let’s forget the double-dip recession and the corruption of the NHS. The women in the cabinet are mingers who need some attention from a make-up brush and her Over-40s range at House of Fraser. Oh, what? You thought she was just saying that to be funny? No, you berk.

She’s selling something.

The whole statement is a publicity stunt.

She’s in retail.

“Do you know, I could not look at them. I go in for meetings now and they do dress up for my meetings, but I just want to go, ‘Pleeease no, not that necklace, not that skirt’.”

Big Dave of Rogerington has given Portas the unenviable task of reviving the UK’s town centres and is due to report back with her ideas at the end of November. Perhaps she should suggest that if the cabinet was a bit sexier, people would be rushing down to H&M to get the latest Aztec-print dress. That’s bound to solve the country’s problems.

The idea of seeing Theresa May done up to the nines while espousing her policies on social reform which basically involves marginalising ethnic minorities and low-income families with the eventual intention of putting them to work for free (it’s not slave labour) is an appealing one. We can confirm that the British public would be a lot happier about having our rights and liberties taken away if it was done by some on-trend hotties.

As the President of the United States of America once said;

“You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”

In the same style, hecklerspray says;

“You can put lipstick on Theresa May, but she’s still a narrow-minded cunt.”

Shallow publicity monster  Portas has visited a number of towns for the review, which will highlight what can be done by the Government, councils and businesses to boost high streets. We don’t know exactly how much she is being paid for this but you can rest assured that it will be at least double the amount that a low-income family earns in a year.

Perhaps society’s problems are the fault of Mary Portas?

You might say that, we couldn’t possibly comment.

Angelina Jolie is believed to be going spastic at recent reports that Brad Pitt might be having “a bit laugh and carry on” with a mystery woman on the set of his new film.

However, these ‘beliefs’ and ‘reports’ are coming from a turgid UK rag owned by pornography-king Richard Desmond, and there seems to be a bit of a cloud hanging over our tabloid press at the minute. We’re not convinced of any Woodward and Bernstein –style investigative journalism at work.

However, there is a photo of a woman touching his arm. Yes, you heard right. The dirty swine. His ARM is absolutely up to its nuts in hand BLART.

In the interests of complete transparency of the British press, we review the evidence in more detail…

First of all, this ‘mystery woman’. Just who is she, what is her job, why is she occasionally seen near Brad?

There seem to be few indications, other than the fact that she has only been photographed on the film set where she seems a constant presence, prominently wearing a production-staff ID around her neck and a copy of the shooting schedule clipped to her belt. THERE JUST AREN’T ANY CLUES! It’s almost like she works there or something.

Why are they spending so much time together? According to a ‘source’, “they’re always hanging out during filming and laughing.” What can this mean? Why only during filming? IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE! And what’s with all this laughing? What can the millionaire Brad Pitt possibly have to laugh about?

And of course, the truly damning piece of evidence – the arm-touching photo.

Oh do you know what, we can’t be bothered. We’re going to go out on a limb(!) and say that a female production runner on forthcoming film World War Z had to grab the arm of doe-eyed imbecile Brad Pitt to steer him in the direction of his next scene, if only to prevent him repeatedly banging into a brick wall with mounting confusion like the over-grown toddler he actually is.

And that a gossip rag more contemptible than even us has published the picture and is now encouraging it’s readers to wonder if Angelina now feels the way Jennifer Aniston did when Brad was merrily bursting Jolie on set. Classy.

We’re going to stake our reputation on the belief that Brad Pitt is not having an affair. And that Brad Pitt’s arm is not having an affair with a woman’s hand. And – very importantly – that Brad Pitt’s penis is not having an affair with a woman’s inner vaginal walls.

That last part is DEFINITELY not the case.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

As everyone knows, catching a puffin with a net, pulling its still-warm heart of of its body and eating it is one of the most erotic things a person can do.

Just look at Gordon Ramsay. Not so long ago Gordon Ramsay ate a puffin’s heart on his TV show The F Word just to show what a triumphant lord of sex he really is. But, would you believe it, 42 people found the sight of Gordon Ramsay chewing on the just-dead heart of a beloved seabird offensive enough to complain about.

Fortunately, though, Ofcom has decided that Gordon Ramsay didn’t break any rules and is free to film himself gorging on raw blood-splattered puffin organs as much as he likes. That’s lucky for Gordon Ramsay, because it’s easy food for him – every year millions of migrating puffins have found welcome shelter from bad weather within the deep crevices of his angry face.

If the wooly-minded liberals in charge of this country had their way, we’d never be allowed to chase after animals with a net and then eat out their hearts as soon as we’ve caught them. Imagine a Britain where you couldn’t catch a rat and eat its heart. Or a dog. Or a monkey. Or a lollipop lady. It’s political correctness gone mad.

But one person who doesn’t give a hoot about political correctness is Gordon Ramsay. He doesn’t care who he offends - Paul McCartney, people who don’t like the idea of eating horses, anyone not completely into the sight of a furious cook constantly going “Uh? Yes? Uh? Yes? Uh?” like a tramp trying to bum his own reflection – because he’s Gordon bloody Ramsay. Yes?

Why doesn’t Gordon Ramsay care who he offends? Because he’s overcompensating wildly for having a traditionally female job? Well, yes, but also… no, actually that’s it. That’s the only reason.

But thank God for that, otherwise Gordon Ramsay wouldn’t have gone on The F-Word a few weeks ago and eaten the heart right out of a puffin he’d just caught in a net.

If you missed it, it was a brilliant piece of television. So long as your definition of ‘brilliant’ is ‘slightly gruesome and deliberately, tediously controversial’, that is. In the end, 42 people complained about Gordon’s heart-eating antics, but more fool them because Ofcom has told Gordon Ramsay that he didn’t do anything wrong. BBC News reports:

The regulator said the sequence was not in breach as it occurred in Iceland, where the puffin forms a popular part of the national diet. It also noted the birds were killed in a humane way with minimal suffering. Viewers had complained that the practice of killing puffins was cruel, the local tradition of eating their fresh hearts was offensive, and that, whilst not protected, puffins were a species under threat.

Yeah, under threat because they’re so bloody delicious.

Look, to be honest we can see everyone’s side of the argument. The viewers complained because Gordon Ramsay ate the heart out of an animal that’s under threat, and Gordon Ramsay ate a puffin’s heart because he’s an attention-seeking bellend who’d eat his own mother’s tits off if it got him a couple of decent headlines. So we’ve come to the only logical conclusion.

Battery-reared puffins. It’s obvious. Get 500,000 puffins, squish them into a shed the size of a bedside cabinet, pull their beaks off, never let them see daylight and there isn’t a problem any more. The puffins are no longer under threat, Gordon Ramsay gets to eat as many puffin hearts as he likes and Jamie Oliver has something new to bitch about on the telly. Everyone’s happy.

So it's official – OJ Simpson did ask his goons to bring guns to his alleged hotel room armed robbery in Las Vegas. And we know it's official because a man who might occasionally moonlight as a pimp said so.

Yesterday at the preliminary hearing to discover whether there's enough evidence to put OJ Simpson through a full criminal trial for his supposed role as the ringleader of an armed robbery, OJ's goon Walter Alexander testified that Simpson had asked him to "bring some heat" to the raid in case anything went wrong. However, come the full trial OJ Simpson is expected to counter-argue that he wasn't asking Alexander to bring a gun, rather to try and get his hands on an electric blanket or a patio heater or one of those gel-sack hand-warmer things with the metal clickers in them.

Because if there's one thing OJ Simpson hates, it's being slightly chilly. And people who steal his shit. But mainly chilliness, though.

They say that everyone's got a book inside of them, and that's something certainly true of OJ Simpson, although admittedly his book was all about how he'd like to stab his dead wife's own head off with a knife. But if everyone has a book inside of them, does everyone have a ideologically-confused armed robbery in them too? Again, OJ Simpson is living proof that they probably do.

Although so little has been proved that OJ Simpson has had to go to court just to see if enough there's enough evidence of an armed robbery to send him to proper court, all the accounts of his September raid on a pair of sports memorabilia dealers seem to point out that there's probably evidence aplenty, no thanks to his disloyal hired goons.

After several of OJ Simpson's alleged robbery henchmen decided to testify against OJ in return for more lenient sentencing, it looked like OJ Simpson should have listened to the old adage about never working with children or animals or hiring a squadron of armed robbers at a wedding reception. But that was before the goons even got to talk – now they have, things just won't stop stacking up heavily against OJ.

On Friday Charles Cashmore told the court that OJ Simpson kept repeating that he didn't see any guns right after the raid, implying that he was using 'reverse psychology' to try and trick the rest of the posse. And yesterday another one of OJ's goons, Walter Alexander, took to the stand to describe how OJ Simpson asked him to bring a gun to the raid:

"After he asked me if we could watch his back then he kind of leaned forward and he was like 'Hey, you think you can get some heat? Get some heat just in case things go wrong, just in case they may have heat. Can you bring some heat?'"

Of course, we no nothing about Walter Alexander so there's a chance he might have been prepared to testify that OJ Simpson wanted him to bring an armoured unicorn to the raid if it meant that he could shave a couple of years off his prison sentence. Plus, as OJ Simpson's lawyer pointed out in court yesterday, there's a strong chance that Walter Alexander may have been a pimp at one point. And if there's one sector of society you can't trust, it's the pimping sector.

And also, let's not forget that "bring some heat" is a deeply vague statement to make. For all we know, OJ Simpson just wanted Alexander to bring a copy of a weekly British celebrity magazine to the raid in case the raidees had a similar copy which would allow them to recite the ten most shocking examples of celebrity cellulite, something that would terminally compromise the sting operation.

Yes, we're certain that's what OJ Simpson meant.