Mary Portas is widely renowned for having the poise and gait of a maimed Tyrannosaurus Rex and the retail miracle-worker has told Heat! magazine that she wants the opportunity to inject some sex appeal into David Cameron’s cabinet.
Without hecklerspray trying to force any political viewpoints down the throats of our readers, Tories are arseholes. That’s the traditional order of their political party. In order to make it, you either have to be a wretched, money-sucking scum-bucket or a super-intelligent shade of beige (see John Major) and there’s no place for any style, panache or even a hint of shagability.
That doesn’t mean that certain chinless morons who believe in fox hunting and using Britain’s poor as an underlay for their hall carpet wouldn’t strap one on and give big Dave Cameron a damned good rogering but on the whole, the British public isn’t supposed to want to have any kind of intercourse with their politicians.
Mary Portas, known as the Queen for Shops because that’s what a PR Company dubbed her is a woman who is so innately sexual that men fall at her feet, praying for one soft touch of her hand. Either that or she looks like Mick Jagger after expensive gene therapy and a cheap dye job. It’s not really our place to say.
Still, Portas knows what’s sexy. Speaking to a glossy magazine that wouldn’t even spit on hecklerspray if it was on fire, she said:
“If I were PM I’d bloody restyle all those women. I mean, the female Cabinet, what an ugly bunch.”
She knows what’s important, does the Queen of Shops. Let’s forget the double-dip recession and the corruption of the NHS. The women in the cabinet are mingers who need some attention from a make-up brush and her Over-40s range at House of Fraser. Oh, what? You thought she was just saying that to be funny? No, you berk.
She’s selling something.
The whole statement is a publicity stunt.
She’s in retail.
“Do you know, I could not look at them. I go in for meetings now and they do dress up for my meetings, but I just want to go, ‘Pleeease no, not that necklace, not that skirt’.”
Big Dave of Rogerington has given Portas the unenviable task of reviving the UK’s town centres and is due to report back with her ideas at the end of November. Perhaps she should suggest that if the cabinet was a bit sexier, people would be rushing down to H&M to get the latest Aztec-print dress. That’s bound to solve the country’s problems.
The idea of seeing Theresa May done up to the nines while espousing her policies on social reform which basically involves marginalising ethnic minorities and low-income families with the eventual intention of putting them to work for free (it’s not slave labour) is an appealing one. We can confirm that the British public would be a lot happier about having our rights and liberties taken away if it was done by some on-trend hotties.
As the President of the United States of America once said;
“You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.”
In the same style, hecklerspray says;
“You can put lipstick on Theresa May, but she’s still a narrow-minded cunt.”
Shallow publicity monster ?Portas has visited a number of towns for the review, which will highlight what can be done by the Government, councils and businesses to boost high streets. We don’t know exactly how much she is being paid for this but you can rest assured that it will be at least double the amount that a low-income family earns in a year.
Perhaps society’s problems are the fault of Mary Portas?
You might say that, we couldn’t possibly comment.
alicia says
British can be the most stupid arrogant people on earth. Ugh. Britain is not a fair or just society, but it pretends that it is!
British women are losers in government, losers in business and losers at home. They have some of the lowest levels of representation in government in the developed world, they work an extra job at home (the men are lazy bums who do no housework), and they comprise a disgustingly low rate of even middle managers at work (10% in UK vs. 40% in US vs. 50% in China). Very few women study STEM fields in Britain either, and they are not well represented in academia. Surprise! A lot of these figures are better in the so-called developing world. Face it–Britain is a sexist country filled with men who look like androgynous hipsters with bad teeth. Perhaps Ms Portas should start with the ugly men of the Cameron Cabinet!
I am just sad that the US acts like it has British heritage. Eeewww. We have enough disgusting people in the US without needing to connect to some of the world’s worst humans.