Iggy Pop impersonator Jennifer Aniston has gone on record to pooh-pooh the constant merry-go-round of slack-jawed speculation about her six-year-dead marriage to professional handsomeness salesman Brad Pitt, and her supposed feud with terrifying hose beast Angelina Jolie.

When Instyle US magazine asked Jennifer which misconception about her she finds most irritating, they were probably expecting her to come out with a light hearted quip about “people think I’m really like Rachel from Friends LOL I’m still milking that dry dry udder!”

However, she actually went on a sort of rambly rant about her divorce.

Aniston said of her annoyance:

“Which one? There are so many. I would say the triangle with my ex-husband – and that there’s a feud there. It’s constant. It’s a story headline that won’t go away, but it’s a money thing – (people make money off) a story that has nothing to do with reality.”

As if to prove something, she then waffled interminably about her new lover, Justin cousin-of-Louis Theroux, just long enough that the interviewers didn’t notice the delicious irony in her flagrant perpetuation of the very misconception she professes to despise.

But we’re onto you, Aniston. We’re onto you because we are serious investigative journalists with a keen nose for delicious irony.

We suppose, though, in a way, we kind of sympathise. Lots of people think we are locked in a steamy love triangle with two Hollywood stars, when actually we haven’t felt the warm touch of another human hand for ages, so the jokes on them.

Losers.

This was a guest post by Becca Day-Preston who in fact, is fighting them off with a large, shitty stick

You’re familiar with Drake already, aren’t you? Of course you are. You’re totally down with the kids. Well, he’s spent the weekend proving that even people with watch collections have hopes and dreams.

Not content with selling loads of records to over-protective hip-hop fans, Drake is apparently itching to play US President Barack Obama in a movie. It’s the next logical step for a star whose previous acting experience includes, “Guy In Bathroom Mirror” and “Crymaxing On A Webcam”.

The noted Thespian – who collaborated with Rihanna on ‘What’s My Name’, in case you’re still not sure who he is – has revealed that he studies Obama’s mannerisms in case a role comes his way. Which it never will. Ever.

Of course, Drake isn’t the first singer to say that they want to play a famous person in a film. In 2005 Michael Bublé told The Sun that he was in talks to play a member of the Rat Pack in “Frank Sinatra: The Primark Years” while more recently, Lady Gaga told assembled journalists that it was her life’s ambition to play Madonna in a movie of her life.

Speaking to VH1, Drake said:

“I hope somebody makes a movie about Obama’s life soon because I could play him. That’s the goal. I watch all the addresses. Any time I seen him on TV, I don’t change the channel. I definitely pay attention and listen to the inflections of his voice.”

Let’s get the inflections right before we look at anything else. The rapper, known for tracks such as Take Care and Over, is so dedicated to becoming an Obama impersonator that he’s willing to take the advice of professionals.

“If you ask anyone who knows me, I’m pretty good at impressions.”

There’s your first mistake, Drake. Any idiot knows that you don’t ask people who know you if you’re good at something. How do you think we all ended up as writers, living in a hovel and eating our own shoes for sustenance? Exactly.

Palaeolithic megastar Madonna says she wonders what it would be like to be truly ‘loved’. By ‘truly loved’ she doesn’t mean by her legion of overly-loyal fans but by someone with something to lose.

The 53-year-old’s sudden interest in love and human emotion comes as she is marketing her new directorial outing ‘W.E.’ and is not in any way a cynical attempt to garner some headlines for a film that has flown pretty much under the radar up until now.

It’s very important to remember that. These are deep, meaningful emotions from a deep and meaningful woman.

Ms. Ciccone directed and co-wrote the film which chronicles Edward VIII’s romance with American divorcee Wallis Simpson for whom he abdicated the throne in 1936, leaving the far more successful screen king George VI to take over. Thank God he did otherwise Colin Firth might have a significantly smaller trophy cabinet right now.

Still, Madonna is more interested in the pair’s deep love affair, rather than the widely negative reviews that the film has been garnering.

“When she says ‘I wonder what it was like to have been loved that much?’ I think I probably said that to myself.”

Madonna need only read the comments on any of our articles about her to know how much she is loved by a mindless shower of keyboard-mashing imbeciles but she goes on to say;

“Men want power and they will kill to have it. If you look back in history, how many wars have been waged to win the throne? And here’s a man who walked away from that for love. And so for a romantic like me, I would say: ‘Wow, to be loved like that!’ And Wally feels the same way – she wants to be loved like that.”

Poor Madonna doesn’t seem to be getting an adequate level of adoration from her dancer boyfriend. We’re not going to do that ‘gossip writing’ trick of saying how old he is to imply that she’s a cradle snatcher by the way. That’s not who we are. We’ll just say it. He’s 30 years her junior. It’s approaching a Hugh Hefner level of creepiness, that one.

Anyway, Madonna has great respect for the power that King Edward (latterly the Duke of Windsor) gave up to be with Ms Simpson. The star identifies with his actions.

“What Edward gave up was huge, monumental, but I also don’t think that he realised that when he abdicated he was never going to be allowed to come back into the country. I’ve been asked many times if I would give up everything for love. And I think it’s important to understand that with love, and in all relationships, you have to give up something.”

Like a country. Or a career. Or, in the case of her divorce from Guy Ritchie, someone to tell her that her new film was shit. Thankfully though, she didn’t give up on her dream and her negatively reviewed new film W.E. opens in cinemas on Friday. After all, the interview wasn’t done so that she could pour her heart out to the Radio Times, was it?

Doctor Who has always been a quirkfest, with machines that don’t work properly, stupidly long scarves, baddies that look like bits of tinfoil and something preposterously called ‘a sonic screwdriver’.

Really, The Doctor is, of all the heroes, the most nauseatingly twee. He’ll be playing a bloody ukulele next. A sonic ukulele no doubt.

Anyway, thank frig the Americans have shown up to save this sorry franchise with some razzle and dazzle. That’s right! America will be getting their hands on Doctor Who and making the explosions bigger, the Doctor more handsome, throwing in a sex scene or two and making him have a proper spaceship as opposed to a stupid telephone box. WHO EVEN USES TELEPHONE BOXES ANYMORE? HAVEN’T THE WRITERS HEARD OF MOBILE PHONES?

Apparently, the Time Lord will be Tinselised by Harry Potter director David Yates who is planning to build a movie franchise around the Dr. Who series.

Harry Potter? That was stupid tweedery as well! But fear not!

Yates says:

“We’re looking at writers now. We’re going to spend two to three years to get it right. It needs quite a radical transformation to take it into the bigger arena.”

A radical transformation! No we’re talking!

Let us hope that K-9 ends up looking like Mechagodzilla, the Tardis ends up looking like an X Wing Fighter, only with bigger guns and that all of the Time Lord’s stupid magic wands are replaced by an arsenal that would make this guy blush…

Basically, the above clip is what the Doctor Who movie should really be aiming for. Fine, fine, fine, the Doctor can still be a super-intelligent humanoid alien who travels through time being sarcastic to everyone, but lets get someone who looks like they could punch a giant hole in a truck!

Matt Smith is not that man. This is the role where Arnold Schwarzenegger can make his Hollywood comeback! It’s perfect! MAKE THIS HAPPEN HOLLYWOOD!

And we don’t have to worry about existing storylines and the like because Yates has promised that he’ll be ‘starting from scratch’.

We might even get some decent baddies too! DALEKS THAT DON’T NEED A DISABILITY RAMP TO GET UPSTAIRS! Oh man, Hollywood. You’re brilliant.

Like World War II, they have come to save our bacon once again!

(Keep Karen Gillan in though, eh?)

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Ever looked at David Gest and wondered if he keeps his face in position with a large bulldog clip like Kent Brockman from The Simpsons? If so, when he takes it off, does his head look like a hot scrotum?

Either way, Gest seems like a decent enough bloke for someone who has been ravaged by the entertainment industry and mental enough to marry Liza Minnelli while she was in her Aged Alcoholic role (according to Gest himself at least).

And now that the reality TV shows have dried up, Gest thought it would be a good idea to make a film about Michael Jackson, a man who shared the same plastic surgeon with David… which explains why they both look so very, very odd.

Apparently, the new film about Michael – which has made its premiere in London – will “set the story straight” about the pop cadaver.

At the showing, unsurprisingly, loads of insane Michael Jackson fans stopped Moonwalking For Justice from the Conrad ‘Sexy’ Murray trial, to show up in fancy dress. Honestly. What is it with Jacko fans wanting to dress up like him all the time?

Half the time, these kids just look like Roswell aliens in half mast trousers. Put them all together, and their “HEE!” and groin grabs makes you think you’re stuck in a chimp enclosure.

ANYWAY.

Gest said of the film Michael Jackson: The Life of an Icon:

“I woke up one morning and said I’m going to make a movie about Michael’s life because I was tired of reading all this crap about him, all these tales that were so fictitious, and I thought let’s set the story straight but let’s give the people a movie that says something new. Not the same rehash, the same moves and that’s what I did.”

Sycophantic garbage then?

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Omar Sharif is a screen legend. He’s been in films. Big films. Y’know? The kind of films that make people go “Oooh! Oh yes, of course I’ve seen it! Yeah, it’s great. It was a while ago though, so I can’t really remember it”.

Basically, he’s been in very famous films that most people haven’t got ’round to seeing.

Doesn’t matter though. That’s because he could be now famous for (allegedly) slapping a woman across the face. That’s nice isn’t it?

The actor was making an appearance at the Doha Tribeca Film Festival in Qatar when someone filmed him being pestered by fans.

He poses with one lady while another one bugs him for a photo. Then, the video captures him reacting rather angrily to her.

It’s then the slap SEEMS to happen. See lawyers? We’re not saying ‘definitely’. Go and bother someone else. We really are very tired of you emailing us now.

Of course, this isn’t Omar’s first case of blowing his dome. In 2003, he was convicted of attacking a policeman in Paris after he’d spunked £20,000 in a single, losing bet at a casino. Apparently, he head-butted the officer.

In 2007, he pleaded no contest to misdemeanor battery charges in California after brawling with a parking attendant in Beverly Hills.

Anyway, here’s the video. You’ll like it.

It’s nice.

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Sometimes a book is so seminal that any talk of a sequel is shot down in a series of fan-based derogatory comments about the author wanting to suck on someone’s nipples or wanking at the altar of capitalist pigs.

As Enid Blyton could testify to if she were here today. Sometimes they work, and sometimes they are the worst thing since bread came brown.

Well Stephen King, him what wrote all those famous horror books, has unveiled a chapter of his upcoming sequel to The Shining. As we all know, The Shining is the one with the little boy who has powers, not the one with the girl who loses her loaf when she gets her first period. Or the one with the killer car.

It was turned into a multi-million pound grossing film directed by none other than legendary filmer Stanley Kubrick and went on to become one of King’s most famous works. Some might say that The Shining is one of the best things that King has ever written. But those people should shut their mouths. Everyone knows that the best thing Stephen King has ever written is The Stand. Saying otherwise will make Sissy Spacek star in Carrie 3: Pre-Menstrual Train-sion, which is basically just Carrie but on a train.

Now the boy from the film, the one with the powers, has all growed up and is now working in a care home. Probably due to Cameron’s Broken Britain. Why would you use powers like that to help some old dears who can’t help pissing themselves? Your first job would be to get your Mother a decent haircut. And a better taste in men maybe. She’s like a supernatural Kerry Katona.

Just without the ketamine.

Apparently Danny Torrance is looking after some old biddies until (wait for it) a group of psychic vampires called The Tribe turn up. Sounds epic right? Not really. Seems like something you might see on the Horror Channel between the fifth repeat of Supercroc vs Orangu-Man and The Tommyknockers (another Stephen King book of course). There should be some peppy cheerleaders or maybe a self-righteous business woman who wants to know what’s going so she can back to the office because she has important business.

HECKLERSPRAY FACT: King has always intended on returning to the best selling book, and has even littered books written later in his career with news of the Torrances and the Overlook. The Overlook Hotel is mentioned by Annie Wilkes, the leg snappiest batshit crazy star of ‘Misery.’ Apparently her ex-boyfriend went to sketch the ruins of the Overlook. Which is interesting. Presumably he had full use of his legs, but would’ve still had to have had sex with Kathy Bates.

Poor man.

Dr. Sleep, which is what King is calling the sequel hasn’t been finished yet, so don’t hold out any hope that it’ll be out before the middle of next year, although he can knock a book out in six weeks, so you could have it for Easter. Would you like that? I bet you would.

Filthy.

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Films, eh? Who doesn’t love a good film? Earlier today, we told you about Warner Bros. plan to remake Point Break, making it everyone’s least anticipated film of 2014. However, films have started competing with each other which makes everything so much more exciting! Especially when the respective casts both hate one another.

Luckily, the casts of the two competing Snow White movies have been trading barbed remarks like they’re pogs since the two alarmingly similar films were announced. Lily Collins, star of The Brothers Grimm: Snow White, has hit out at Kristen Stewart, claiming the Twlight star will be “perfect” as Snow White and is looking forward to seeing the two versions of the classic fairytale.

Oooh, what a bit- aw, wait. Hang on a minute.

Yes, that’s right folks. The cast members of Snow Whites: Lust For Teenage Money are all copping off with each other and fondling their private parts during press conferences. Collins, who is working on Tarsem Singh’s rival version of the Snow White story (said to be much more gritty, containing less Dwarves and more SS Stormtroopers), has praised the Twilight star’s casting in Rupert Sanders’ Snow White & The Huntsman.

In an interview with Teen Vogue, Collins seemed convinced people would see both versions of the fairytale, making sure that they’re still in line for a big pay cheque from people who don’t quite understand the fact that having two

“I think the audience may very well enjoy seeing two different versions and I think that Kristen is perfect for hers.”

The actress also had praise for her boyfriend and co-star in action ‘epic’ Abduction, Taylor Lautner, who recently said he was ‘rooting’ for both actress’ in the role of Snow White. She said, while stifling her giggles with a $100 bill;

“He’s a very funny, down-to-earth young man.”

Tarsem Singh’s The Brothers Grimm: Snow White will be released March 16, 2012 and it is widely expected that limited ‘bumper’ tickets will be available for both films costing only three times the price of a standard ticket. Two shit films for the price of three. Who could say fairer than that?

Needless to say, this incessant circle-jerkery will continue up until the release date of both films as both production companies try desperately to squeeze as much money out of the two projects as they possibly can by spewing out cross-pollinated marketing into the waiting mouths of teenagers with disposable income.

Still, will Kristen Stewart be ‘perfect’ in the role of Snow White? Well, an emotionless girl who is completely nonplussed by having an evil stepmother, magical dwarf pals and a personality vacuum for a boyfriend? You tell us…

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Wanking Hard or Hardly Wanking?

Folded

• The Spaghetti Western Orchestra – You have until 8.49pm BST to watch this wonderfully weird Proms performance. Do it.
• Hitchcock’s Cameos – In the first of too many Tumblr posts in this week’s ‘Creased or Folded?’, here’s some of Hitchcock’s cameos. He’s the Jon Favreau of the Golden Age.
• Photographs of China - Twitter’s very own @herrschweers lives in China and is keeping an ace photo-journal of his experiences.
• Film Noir - Get into Empire’s guide to becoming an expert in just ten films.
• Nature Photographs – It’s just photos of animals & trees & stuff. There’s not many jokes in that.

Creased

• Russia – How dare they delay this vitally important world record bid?!
• Space Debris – There’s too much! What’s to be done with our celestial junkyard?!
• Mabbs & Justice – Remember, when they pop up on BBC3, you heard it here first.
• Nadine Dorries – Just in case you’d forgotten.
• Squirtle – Anyone who has ever played Pokémon will be familiar with this little dude but sorry, this is just too damn creepy.

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Block parties. They sound fun don’t they? Well, thousands agreed when someone on Twitter invited everyone along to have a real cool time. However, the internet isn’t very good at organising things and guess what? A riot ensued. Great stuff.

The mixture of an overcrowded theater and an invitation to a block party ended with everything going a bit awry around Hollywood Boulevard outside a film premiere, which saw the police turning up in full riot gear. The LAPD are a notoriously in favour of soft-policing aren’t they? *coughs*

This saw revellers lobbing bottles and vandalising cars while everyone else refused to politely go home. The sun was out! They were having a nice time! And Grauman’s Chinese Theatre wept as it only wanted to show a documentary about an electronic music festival.

It all kicked off when a Los Angeles Fire Department inspector decreed that the theater was overcrowded. Police reckon around 2,000 people were inside the theater to catch the premiere of a documentary about the Electric Daisy Carnival rave.

This saw a LOT of people getting turfed out onto the street, which wasn’t helped by the fact that a popular DJ called Kaskade tweeted his 90,000 followers about the possibility of an accompanying block party.

The LAPD didn’t like this and started telling everyone to go home. Everyone replied by launching stuff at them.

An eye witness said:

“There were people trampling all over the police cars, smashing the windows”

Sounds like a hoot!

The tweet that started all this mess from Kaskade said:

“Today@6pm in Hollywood @Mann’s Chinese Theatre. ME+BIG SPEAKERS+MUSIC(equals)BLOCK PARTY!!! RT! “

He then posted a photo of a flatbed truck with giant speakers that he was riding in to get to the block party. He pulled up around 6:30 p.m., which of course, drew something of a crowd. Everyone likes dancing in the sunshine. However, when it all went wrong, Kaskade’s tweets were ignored as he yelled:

“Everybody CHILL OUT!!! The cops are freaking out. BE SAFE AND LET’S HAVE SOME FUN!”

Easy to say, but not easy to do when the cops are firing non-lethal beanbags at you.

Shall we have a look at how the LAPD disperse a crowd? Lets! It’s lovely. It’s like they want to give everyone a big ol’ hug.

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2011 appears to be the year of the big budget comic book movie. When it comes to adaptations of graphic novels, we’re being spoiled rotten right now.

Marvel’s first avenger, Captain America has just hit cinemas worldwide, Green Lantern… well, it happened didn’t it… and we’ve been given 3 brand spanking new teaser trailers to salivate over.

New offerings from Batman, Spiderman and The Avengers may well be due soon, but one hero currently not donning his tightest pants in preparation to be thrust back into the spotlight like some weird pervert is Superman.

But fear not earthlings! It turns out there is some new Superman footage to get you all wheezy and out of breath. Well, it’s not actually new, it’s pretty old, but it hasn’t been seen before, so it’s like new.

A deleted scene from the last installment of the Superman movie franchise, the fantastically woeful Superman Returns, has been unearthed.

The $10million scene shows Supes flying in some sort of Dr. Manhattanesque giant crystal spaceship to his desolate home planet of Krypton, before crying like a little bitch and deciding it’s probably worth going back to Earth.

Visually the scene is fairly impressive, however at 6 minutes long with minimal action or sound it is incredibly tedious. The fact that this scene was so tedious that it was deleted from one of the most tedious movies in recent history should tell you all you need to know about it really.

There are a few things that puzzle us though. Why the hell is The Man of Steel flying a spaceship, he’s able to fly through space without any real problems, what makes this ship so special?

Also, wasn’t Krypton destroyed? It seems to be in fairly good nick when our hero arrives, admittedly it is barren and everyone is probably dead, but we’ll overlook that fact because it’s depressing and goes against our, ‘it seems to be in fairly good nick,’ theory that was outlined at the start of this paragraph.

Anyway, if you just couldn’t get enough of Superman Returns, then you have a problem and we here at hecklerspray suggest you get help, quickly.

For the rest of you, point your peepers at the video below to see how spending $10million on 6 minutes doesn’t always guarantee a good time.

JLS fans haven’t been very kind to us of late. Apparently they don’t like the fact that we inferred that their favourite band mimed some bad words and threw one of those showbiz hissy fit things at T4 On The Beach, which they TOTALLY did.

Naturally being the reasonable and thoughtful people we are, we thought we’d take another shot at them.

This time over the fact they’ve admitted they can’t sing.

According to the boys, they’re part of a ‘new school generation’ of pop musicians and that:

“stuff like music effects, auto tune and sampling is part of that.”

Which is a fancy way of saying that they can’t carry much of a tune so need some geek sitting behind a mixing desk to make their special brand of new school, soulless, corporate RnB even vaguely tolerable.

This revelation will come as a surprise to the legions of JLS fans out there. But it’s not their fault, after all, they were most likely conceived to the sounds of Milli Vanilli, that sort of upbringing has to bring with it a genetic predisposition to fabricated, radio friendly tunes.

Naturally we here at the hecklerspray bedsit imagine that this means that we shall be receiving our well-deserved apologies from each and every JLS fan who took the time to call us shits or, even worse, journalists in both the comments section of our T4 on the Beach article or on Twitter.

Don’t worry kids, one day you’ll discover a band that like you for you. We know the thought of Aston, Marvin, Simon and Theodore pulling the wool over your eyes in such a horrific way will probably scar you for life. But, to be honest, you deserve it.

Now grow up, stop crying and start listening to some real music.

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It’s been a weekend full of festivals with nearly every performer you can think of out to plug any old tat they’ve got coming out soon. Up in Scotland, a mix of indie, rock and electronica could be found, although annoyances like Bruno Mars still managed to evade security and get on stage at T in the Park, while at Sonisphere, they had angry music fans happy with bands that haven’t progressed from early eighties hair metal.

But the pick of the bunch was down at the sick seagull of Britain – Weston-super-Mare – where the family friendly festival T4 On The Beach was happening! While it was broadcast on Channel 4 and hosted by a gang of hipsters who all deserve to be shot, it was the sort of day where parents of small children could drop them off, safe in the knowledge they wouldn’t be snorting lines of speed. Last year, one of music’s answers to satire, Jedward, broke an ankle.

This year, JLS threw a slight hissy fit and pulled out of the event. It’s almost like the end of the world has just happened. So what pissed off JLS then?

Usually when we hear of bands sticking their fingers up at festival promoters, somebody’s ego has gotten in the way. In the past we’ve seen stupid tour riders that range from entire rooms being decked out in specific colour schemes to certain food stuffs being shipped in from around the world just to praise some maniacal dweeb.

After losing X-Factor, JLS have remarkably made a career out of singing and haven’t gone down the road of so many contestants to go work in a grotty fried chicken shop. So what went wrong at T4 On The Beach? Surely all they need to do is go on stage, lie to the crowd by telling them that they are the best audience in the world and sing, sing, SING!

For once in our meaningless lives, we MIGHT, have to side with JLS. They tweeted the following message:

“its true we ain’t on 2day, UNO we r a live singin act so them not giving us a soundcheck and able to prepare means we can’t go on for this. ‘it’s something that was beyond our control. As a 4 piece live singing band there is no way we can do such a huge show without a soundcheck or camera rehearsal..we are extremely disappointed to let you all down.”

From their dreadful grasp of the English language, we think that they weren’t given enough preparation time for a soundcheck and subsequently refused to put on a rubbish performance. Even though we’re uber cool here at hecklerspray and listen to music that you won’t appreciate until it’s used in a milk advert, even we applaud an act that’ll refuse to take to the stage unless some sort of practice has been had. However, we can still call them vain and up their own rumps for not having time to practice for the camera. JLS tweeted further:

‘All of our fans know us and know that when we perform we go 100% and are 100% happy that we can give you the best, there’s no way that we would have done this today.”

We’ll let you work out that last tweet.

But while the tears of many young fans could create a mini tidal-wave over the loss of JLS at the festival, they didn’t have to worry. They had other ace acts on hand such as Cher Lloyd, N-Dubz and Scouting For Girls.

Oh.

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Celebrities! Ha! One thing you can count on is that, at some point in their ultimately worthless lives, they’ll decide that fulfilment lies in family. Settling down with a partner and having children and buying a dog and making soup. It’s there in the dull things that they’ll find spiritual enlightenment.

They’ll probably start doing bloody yoga as well and really getting into charity, never making a decent film or record again. Good art never came from a contented place.

And so, the latest celebrity we’ve lost is Natalie Portman who has given birth to a millipede with her fiancé Benjamin (who has the surname of Millepied if you’re wondering where this insect joke is coming from). And what awful name have they bestowed on this poor little many legged sod?

Well, this little vomiting grunt has been given the name Aleph, which sounds like someone trying to talk with three large marbles stuck under their tongue.

So why this particular stupid name?

Well, Aleph is the first letter of the Hebrew alphabet, which is like calling your child Alpha. Or Alf Alfa from The Little Rascals.

Of course, like all writers who don’t know a damn thing about such matters, we went to Wikipedia to find out more.

Apparently, Aleph derives from the West Semitic word for “ox”. So this child is a millipede/ox hybrid. Jeeeeez. Imagine pushing one of those out. Get a good picture of it in your head.

It’s also derived from the verb “le’alef” which means, in terms of pets, ‘tamed’ or ‘house trained’. That’s something at least. If you’re going to have a freak child, at least it won’t mess up that lovely rug you bought to really tie the room together.

Anyway, nice knowing you Natalie. At least you left us with that lesbian scene from Black Swan.

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Let’s get one thing straight. No-one, but no-one, likes a worthy teacher film. Nothing brings up the traditional blogger’s lunch of White Lightning and pocket fluff into a hecklersprayer’s gullet quicker than watching some earnest nonsense where some skinny blonde chick like Mickey Piffler changes the lives of a gang of murderous children simply through wearing jeans and riddling Shakespearean sonnets with F-bombs.

Oh Captain, My Captain? Oh Come on, My Chuffin’ arse, more like.

So you’d think a film like Bad Teacher – a film that takes that concept and shoves a Molotov cocktail up its fundament – would be something appraoching perfection. But unfortunately, the filmmakers have not entertainingly flipped their Dangerous Minds. Instead, they’ve got the DVDs of charming Jack Black softy-comedy School Of Rock and not-so-charming little-person-abuse-comedy Bad Santa, ground them together into carcinogenic dust, and sprinkled it all over Cameron Diaz’s cougar mum.

Oh, hang on! That’s actually Cameron Diaz! The years can be cruel.

Cammy plays Elizabeth Halsey, the money-grabbing, conniving, lazy, pot-smoking, hard-drinking and inexplicably employed titular Bad Teacher, who is dumped by her filthy rich fiancé for her money-grabbing, conniving, etc etc ways, and left penniless. But goodness me, what luck! Who should turn up as a new colleague but filthy rich and dorkilicious Scott (Justin Timberlake)?

No luck there, though, because despite Liz’s sinewy charms, the Trousersnake seems to prefer the tender embrace of her irritatingly perfect rival, Amy Squirrel (Lucy Punch). Nothing left for Liz to do but raise 10 grand for a brand-new pair of luscious Scott-baiting boobies…

And so the paltry few laughs trickle forth. It’s not a terrible film. It’s a film that begs a lot of questions. For example: how are you meant to sympathise with a character that’s such an utter bitch to everyone under the sun and has no redeeming qualities, and whose redemptive moment involves accusing an 11-year-old of statutory rape?

What’s more disturbing, the bit where Cameron rubs up against a car in Daisy Duke shorts like an aging lizard, or the bit where she and Timbers re-enact their bizarrely fully-clothed sex life for our meagre enjoyment? Can we really celebrate a film where Jason Segel turning up every half-an-hour to be a bit sarcastic is a revelatory highlight equal to Jenny Agutter in the shower in American Werewolf In London?

And why does Justin Timberlake recite every line like he’s reading it off a Post-it note stuck on his co-star’s forehead?

All in all, it’s a bit of a misfire. Not funny enough, not sexy enough, not as caustic as Bad Santa, not as heart-warming as School Of Rock, cliché-ridden, stuffed to the brim with annoying archetypes. And while Diaz may give a decent funny turn in parts, you still end up wanting to fill her impressive collection of ankle boots with some kind of poisonous insect swarm. But hell, at least there was one positive: the kids suffered throughout. And that’s the kind of message hecklerspray can get behind.

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