Hecklerspray » feud

Piers Morgan Continues Reign As World’s Biggest Arse

Kris Silver — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:00:52 +0000

Piers Morgan, the ever lovable former Daily Mirror editor and man for whom the word smarmy was invented, certainly has gotten his large, soiled knickers in a twist of late.

We’re not even half way through the week and he’s already attempted to take some cheap shots at 2 people who are infinitely more famous and loved than him.

It’s the equivalent of the school weed slagging off the popular kids because they won’t invite him to their fancy pool parties when their parents go to Tuscany for the weekend.

On Monday, Morgan went on Chelsea Lately, one of the billions of late night talk shows more popular than his own in the States, to have a pop at Madonna, claiming that the baby catcher’s Super Bowl performance was akin to that of, “a gruesome drunken Aunt.”

TAKE THAT MADONNA! You just got served. Piers Morgan, a man who will struggle to get the same amount of viewers all year that you got during your brief Super Bowl half-time show, just told you how it went down!

Why don’t you start acting your age and visit a W.I. meeting once in a while, huh!?

After dispatching of her Madgesty, Piers pointed his pistol of perfunctory towards former footballer, Match of the Day presenter and UN ambassador for crisps, Gary Lineker.

Morgan decided to brag to the former Spurs star about a review he got in the San Fransisco Chronicle, praising his talents as a football pundit on Fox TV. Lineker went on to question how long Morgan had spent searching for that, lone, positive review, to which Morgan replied, one can only assume with a look of post-mastubatory smugness plastered across his sweaty brow:

“I currently air in 200 countries/territories – how you getting on? #SmallPondMinnow”

Despite forgetting to mention that even though he’s aired in 200 territories, he still only draws a crowd of about 6, Morgan mopped the mix of bile and man lather from his keyboard and went to make a cup of tea, safe in the knowledge that he’d given Gary Lineker, ‘a Madonna.’

But our Gary isn’t Madonna, he doesn’t take things lying down, or from Malawi, he rebutted Morgan’s smugspunk with this:

“I think the 2 world cups I played in probably edged that.”

BAM! He had Morgan on the ropes, but wasn’t finished yet, fearing Morgan could possibly steal his presenting gig, Salt and Lineker wound up and struck the final, devastating blow to Morgan’s inflated ego:

“Spoke to the powers that be at the BBC and they are very interested in you… staying in America”

He may work for Walkers, but Lineker is definitely the Real McCoy.

Sorry.

Elton John vrs Madonna: Still Bickering Like Massive Bitches

Matthew Laidlow — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 12:00:56 +0000

Modern society, we’re so advanced aren’t we? With our two-in-one shampoo and conditioner and trendy high street café’s selling luxury iced coffee! Really, we’ve never had it so good. But all of this pampering has left us soft as a nation.

Back in the days of the Vikings and Romans, heated disputes were usually sorted with a punch-up whilst a baying crowd watched until one opponent cried blood.

Now feuding people take to media to vent their rage. If you’re Elton John, an American TV show to talk about Madonna, specifically.

Earlier this month, Madonna bagged an award in the best song category at the Golden Globe ceremony. We’ve heard neither track so have no feeling towards them. Rest assured though, we think they’re both terrible.

However, trophy-whore Elton wasn’t best pleased and didn’t disguise his displeasure at the result. Now he’s bringing out the bitchy comments ahead of Madonna’s Super Bowl performance on Sunday; get the handbags ready!

Sometimes it’s difficult to take Elton John seriously. After all, he is a fan of stupid clothing and this time proved no different. During this particular interview, he was dressed as a monarch. We’re not sure if he’d just been to Burger King and got into character, but none the less, he looked like an utter tit.

See for yourself.

Clearly still chewing on a bunch of sour grapes, Elton had the following to say about Madonna’s upcoming halftime performance at the Super Bowl:

“Make sure you lip-synch good. I’ve never seen a decent one. Never ever. You have to play live, but I don’t think you can. In all fairness to everyone who’s done one before, you may be able to sing live, but it’s really hard to play live.”

Hmm, we’re not entirely sure what Elton John wants Madonna to do. Perhaps he wants her to revisit her glory days when she tried to act sexy and wriggled around in various bondage outfits. But this won’t happen on two counts. Firstly, Madonna is old and saggy like a deflated dog-chew and, Americans get scared of naked flesh. Remember this?

WARNING PEOPLE TO THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA! DON’T SUE US IF YOU SEE THE NAKED BODYPART AT THE END OF THE VIDEO, OKAY?

Even though American football is for girls due to the amount of padding they use, we do have to give them some respect for the shows they put on.

In proper rugby where there’s no soft protective helmets or extra thick layers of clothing so nobody catches a cold, there isn’t a halftime spectacle to watch. The six nation halftime break has no excitement, at best, there’s a scramble as fans run to the burger kiosk to battle it out for that last remaining fattening treat.

Come Sunday evening, Madonna will be prancing around in clothes that she nicked from her daughters’ wardrobe whilst Elton John and his man wife David Furnish throw nacho hats at the TV in disgust.

Poor them.

Lily Allen vs. Jessie J – The Most Underwhelming Fight Of The Century Is, Inevitably, ON.

Paul Pencott — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 09:00:31 +0000

It’s been a while since any female UK pop acts have been applauded so Lily Allen has been a bit quiet of late, busying herself as she is with her dreadful non-charitable charity-shop exorbitant clothes-rental business.

But fear not, Jessie J has done quite well at the increasingly perplexing MOBO awards so Lily has piped up once again in the most passive-aggressive manner possible in the hope of starting yet another publicity-garnering feud.

The great big doe-eyed Keith Allen looky-likey publicity hungry geezer-bird tweeted following the awards.

‘Now, I love Jessie J as much as the next person, but how is her music ‘of black origin’? Is it cause she says “man dem” in her tune?’

Not content with running a clothes shop of dubious existence where, if you can find it, you can get some second-hand tat to wear to an event where you’ll meet people actually named Tobias and then have to give it back, Lily is going back to her roots.

By which we mean she’s resumed her previous role as the petulant self-imagined queen bee of your middle school, once again conducting a supposedly-good-natured whispering campaign against any other girls in her year that may be getting as popular as she imagines she should be.

“I love Jessie as much as the next person” indeed. Lily knows that the next person is you and people like you, who are just a bit indifferent to Jessie J, albeit slightly alarmed by her resemblance to a cross between Bruce The Shark from Finding Nemo and a Duplo figure. And the fact that we’re pretty sure she’s never blinked in her life or will ever age. Ever.

With depressing predictability, we imagine twitter to be currently alight with Jessie J fans all pointing out that Lily’s appallingly whimsical musical output, featuring the absent-minded warbling of someone singing to themselves in the bath whilst they mentally prepare the week’s shopping list, was not exactly cutting-edge itself.

In the meantime, everyone gets their publicity and the MOBOs remain utterly gash.

Spice Girls Set For Humiliating Loss To Minnows At Eurovision 2012

Mof Gimmers — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 11:00:14 +0000

Clearly, the United Kingdom has learned no lessons from Eurovision. We won’t ever win because people ‘vote’ enough for us through the year, buying our many exported pop acts. Eurovision is a chance for these countries to show rightful contempt for us and, of course, celebrate their own.

Instead of playing a sob story like we endure on the likes of The X Factor and the like, we have started sending known acts in the misguided hope that they’ll pick up votes. Blue deservedly bombed thanks to being one of the most odious collections of men since Mugabe put a 5-a-side team together.

And next year, it looks like we’re set to send more pampered divs to the slaughterhouse as it appears that the Spice Girls will be going to Eurovision in 2012.

That’s right folks! The people who once sang the beautiful line “yellow man in Timbuktu” are all set to reunite for Eurovision 2012, which will be held in a place called Baku.

If we could remember who won the last one or had any sense of geography outside of our disgusting hovel, we’d tell you where that was. In all honesty, no-one really cares do they? It’ll be on the television and feature awful hosts and VTs of stupid local traditions like folk dancing and punching storks.

It’s wonderful.

And who is stupid enough to come up with this harebrained idea? Geri Halliwell of course! She’s put up a proposal to reunite the girls, and join the show, despite the fact that Victoria Beckham is very wealthy and can’t sing for shit.

Oh! We’ve just remembered! Azerbaijan won didn’t they?

You’ll all sleep easier tonight knowing that. Unless, of course, you’re kept awake with the horror image of an ageing Geri Halliwell gyrating for Azerbaijani cameramen in her ill-fitting Union Jack dress.

Blecch.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

David And Victoria Beckham Have A Baby And Call It ‘Half Past Seven’ Or Something Stupid Like That

Mof Gimmers — Mon, 11 Jul 2011 11:00:09 +0000

This weekend has been Baby Weekend, with a myriad of slebs all dropping sprogs. Matt Bellamy and Kate Hudson have had one, but no-one really cares about a Goldie Hawn’s daughter and a singer who looks like his whole face has been pinched in a vice every morning for the last two decades.

No, the big celebrity baby story of the weekend is David and Victoria Beckham’s little girl. She was cut out of the former Spice Girls’ stomach, to protect her tiny papercut of a front-bum from being stretched to snapping point, leaving her with one famous orifice.

And of course, they needed a name for this little bundle of potential let-down… and they’ve gone for Harper Seven.

It goes without saying that Harper Seven is just the latest in a long line of stupid names for a sleb offspring. Jason Lee’s stupid child is called Pilot Inspektor, Jermaine Jackson hilariously named his kid Jermajesty and Sly Stallone takes the biscuit with the impressively awful Sage Moonblood, which sounds like the sort of nonsense that Charlie Sheen might come up with. And we all know about Zappa’s kids but you get the impression he gave them daft names on purpose.

In a statement on his Facebook page, the footballing half of the duo said:

“I am so proud and excited to announce the birth of our daughter Harper Seven Beckham.

“She weighed a healthy 7lbs 10oz and arrived at 7.55 this morning, here in LA. Victoria is doing really well and her brothers are delighted to have a baby sister xx.”

So, that’s David and Victoria heading up a household which also stars Brooklyn, Romeo, Cruz and Harper. Sounds like a collection of air fresheners. Bad air fresheners at that.

But why Harper Seven? Well, seven was David’s number when he played for Manchester United and England and… well… Harper… you imagine Victoria simply looked around and gawped at her vapid life and saw a copy of Harper’s Bizarre on the coffee table and *BING* a baby was christened.

Slightly better than calling it Take A Break we suppose.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Liam Gallagher Reveals Dislike Of Mumford & Sons’ Style In Unfortunate ‘Pot, Kettle, Black’ Incident

Michael Park — Thu, 23 Jun 2011 10:00:39 +0000

Liam Gallagher, a man who facially resembles a cross between a Dickensian henchman and a brain damaged howler monkey, is well known for holding certain controversial views on the world around him. He’s the kind of gent that, if he were punch a GPS satellite out of the sky for ‘looking at him funny’, most people wouldn’t be 100% surprised.

Now, the former front brother of Oasis has decided to launch into a fashion crusade in an effort to clean up the image of some of music’s biggest stars. The bowl-cut-toting funster’s love of the finer fashions have often seen comparisons drawn between him and some of the most flamboyant characters in modern celebrity and fashion.

Who can forget that parka that he wore at Glastonbury 1996, T in the Park 1998, V Festival 2005, Knebworth well, actually… pretty much every live show that Oasis have done**. Still, it had a nice furry hood and was very practical in the winter, according to his mummykins.

Seemingly hoping to reignite some sort of North-South music rivalry with one of the biggest indie bands of the last two years, Gallagher has slated the style of ‘folk’ band Mumford and Sons.

“They look like f****** Amish people…”

Gallagher, who has clearly never seen an Amish person, was speaking in an interview with The Sun newspaper. Of course, the Oasis moaner is never short of a ridiculous pejorative and went on to say:

“You know, them ones with the big sides that don’t use electricity? Growing their own food and putting barns up…I need music to be a bit more sexy and played by people who look a bit f****** dangerous.”

We’re no experts but there are many hazards which are inherent in both farming and construction. Have you ever been to a building site? It’s full of signs telling you how dangerous things are. What about growing food? I doubt anyone who has ever had their hand passed through a wheat thresher would try to tell you that farming is a safe occupation.

Oh, hang on. He doesn’t mean dangerous in the sense of hazards to health. He means the Beady Eye sense of ‘dangerous’. C’mon. You know the one. The people that love Oasis and Kasabian and throw their arms around as though they’re plants desperately trying to drag themselves up towards the sun by swaying back and forth. The sun in this case being the one that Liam seems to believe shines out of his rectum.

Still not with us on the danger thing? He means idiots in parkas and Adidas gazelles that have haircuts that look as though they’re an experiment designed to prove the effects of gravitational pull and are liable to glass anyone who looks at them for too long for being a ‘f**king ponce’. Yeah- those guys. Liam’s guys.

**hecklerspray would like to point out that we couldn’t care less if Oasis ever actually played these festivals on these dates.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Ringo Starr Hates Paul McCartney And Says He’s The Only Remaining Beatle

Mof Gimmers — Tue, 24 May 2011 14:00:05 +0000

Since John and George died, there’s been something of a tussle over who can be the funniest remaining Beatle. Paul McCartney is just too wacky to be properly funny, so that means, by default, Ringo gets the crown, right?

Well, sadly for Ringo, he seems to be suffering from an onset on dementia.

Of course, our Ring’ became something of a laughing stock when he warned us all with ‘peace and love’ not to send him any more gifts (how can anyone top those paintings Marge Simpson did of him?). Then he went and vaguely slagged off Liverpool. He’s priceless isn’t he? Well, now he’s slagging Paul McCartney off. Next, we assume he’ll be pissing on Lennon’s grave.

First of all, Ringo is claiming that The Beatles were lucky to have him as their drummer. And he’s right to say that as he was the best man on Merseyside to man the drumstool at the time (and, contrary to popular belief, remained a really great drummer throughout the Beatles’ career).

He says:

‘Within Liverpool, I was a lot more well know than them. Rory and the Hurricanes (Starr’s former band) were big shots in the city. We had the suits. That was our claim to fame. The Beatles were lucky to get me. It wasn’t just that I was a big shot; I was a cool drummer.’

All well and good, right? Everyone knows Ringo was better than Pete Best. But what’s all this about Macca?

Well, Ringo is still touring with his (pretty awful) All Starr Band. He keeps asking Paul to join them but alas, as one of the greatest living songwriters on the planet, he’s always busy.

This obviously sticks in Starr’s craw.

‘Every time I ask him to tour with the All Starrs, he says he is too busy.’

Then, Ringo goes a bit mental.

‘We’re as close as we want to be. We’re the only two remaining Beatles, although he likes to think he’s the only one. I actually think it’s people on the outside who perceive Paul as thinking he’s the only member left, when actually it’s me. I am the last remaining Beatle.’

Paul is dead man, miss him, miss him…

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

All The Spice Girls Hate Victoria Beckham And Her Imminent Baby

Mof Gimmers — Wed, 23 Mar 2011 13:00:28 +0000

When the Spice Girls first exploded onto the popscene, they dominated the charts by simply shouting more loudly than anyone else. The curious thing was, is that they never seemed to like each other. Ever.

At the centre of the hate always seemed to be Geri Halliwell and Mel B, both vying for position as leader of the band when the truth of the matter is, Simon Fuller was always the one wearing the trousers. Well, literally.

And as the girls went their separate way, so the ill feeling loomed larger, with the exception of Emma Bunton who seems painfully pleasant. So are Geri and Mel B sneering at each other then? No, this time, Victoria Beckham is getting it in the neck, presumably because she’s had the audacity to become the most famous of the crew, despite being the least talented by some distance. Girl power and all that!

Like girls who sync their periods when in close proximity, the Spice Girls have unfathomably all becoming pregnant at the same time (well, everyone except from Geri and Sporty Spice who can’t find anyone who will willingly have sex with them).

This leads us to think that they’ve done it on purpose so that, in 15 year’s time, they can force their unfortunate offspring into being in a band called Revenge Of The Spice Girls.

Anyway. The snubs (a great name for a band that). Preggo Mel B has folded her arms and loudly given Victoria Beckham the silent treatment in a Twitter message.

Mel B announced her pregnancy to the world earlier this week, reminding everyone that she once had it off with Eddie Murphy in what must have been the ugliest sex ever. This baby doesn’t belong to Murphy, but rather, some dude called Stephen Belafonte who we couldn’t care less about.

And so, Peach Mel B promptly went about thanking everyone that isn’t Posh Spice for their words of encouragement about the fact her womb works.

‘Ahh big thanks to my spice girls mel c, geri and emma for all the baby well wishes! Love you! Xxxxx’

Speaking to Hello!, the former leopard print fan said:

‘We’re really excited. We wouldn’t have planned and waited for four years to have a baby if we weren’t really excited about it and ready for it, even though you can never really be truly ready’

She then stabbed a crude wax figurine of Victoria Beckham directly through the heart with a hot cleaver.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Rosie O’Donnell & Elisabeth Hasselbeck: The War Is Over!

Stuart Heritage — Fri, 11 Jan 2008 19:00:47 +0000

The feud between Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck was one that not even the most hardcore pervert could have imagined turning sexual.

But that's exactly what has hap… no, we're only joking. Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck aren't fighting any more, but only because Rosie though to send Elisabeth's newborn some gifts.

Still, we had you with the sex thing, right? Right?

The View has always been about disagreements, and it always will be – whether it's a disagreement about how much Danny DeVito has had to drink or about if murdering dogs is really brilliant or just quite brilliant. But no disagreements on The View were ever like the splitscreen battle royale between Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck back in May.

Founded on their inherent political differences – basically that one is a rightwing lunatic and the other is a paranoid conspiracy theorist – the Rosie O'Donnell/ Elisabeth Hasselbeck televised face-off was so vicious that we think it actually tore a hole in the space/time continuum. It'd explain a lot if it were true.

It would explain why Rosie O'Donnell left The View in a tantrum immediately and subsequently failed to find any other TV work, and it'd also explain why Elisabeth Hasselbeck got knocked up and gave birth to a baby boy pretty soon afterwards, even though we imagine that she thinks sex – even sex within a loving marriage – is filthy and wrong and will send you to hell and is something that only immigrants do.

But, despite keeping a tentative distance from each other since their on-air scrap, now it looks like Rosie and Elisabeth are ready to act like grown-ups around each other again. Apparently Rosie has decided that enough is enough, and that children are the future and that she and Rosie should teach them well and let them lead the way. Rosie's been speaking to People about her new softer relationship with Elisabeth:

"He's very, very cute. I saw him on TV, and I sent him a lovely gift, and [she and Hasselbeck] have been e-mailing each other. And peace prevails… We e-mail back and forth. She seems good. She looks like she adopted, like she didn't give birth. She looks perfectly fit and gorgeous already."

It's almost enough to bring a tear to the eye, isn't it? Not the fact that Rosie O'Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck are slowly becoming friends again – we couldn't give a stuff about that – but we're just overwhelmed to learn that Rosie O'Donnell doesn't speak in that ridiculous blog haiku-speak all the time. Truly, this is a time of goodwill on Earth.

Read more:

Rosie Sends Baby Gifts to Elisabeth Hasselbeck – People