Folded:

• Saturday Morning Watchmen cartoon (commission this now. This second. Now)
• Lifegoesonintehran.com (remarkable photographs, all taken on a camera phone no less)
• Internet banking (never waste another Saturday afternoon queuing up again. You will probably lose all your money when someone hacks into your account, but by the end of this year you won’t have any left anyway)
• Crumbs! (when did she get so hot?)
• Wheelman (awful graphics, awful dialogue, absolutely terrific fun. Airjack, dude!)

Creased:

• Misery (been one heck of a week for it)
• Fearne Cotton vomiting her way up Kilimanjaro (looks like those nights spent slumped at a glass table are taking their toll)
• Dresses over jeans (ladies, imagine your man wearing his dressing gown over his jeans. Imagine how pleased you’d be. There you go)
• Only thirteen episodes per season of Mad Men (makes us mad. And it’s unlucky)
• People who always want to make you a cup of tea (we don’t all drink it, you know? How about offering a beer instead? Can’t think of a better way to mark 9.30 in the morning)

9 - In case you’ve yet to see it, here’s Fearne Cotton at the BAFTAs dressed like a baddie from The Dark Crystal - Popsugar

8 - Five potential new Lara Crofts that aren’t Megan Fox – Wired

7 - Some ridiculous moral panics for you – Cracked

6 – The Dalai Lama is on Twitter. Oh, look surprised – Readwriteweb

5 - Are you going to kill yourself because you’re poor? You are, aren’t you - TIME

4 – Easily the most beautiful unpublished children’s book we’ve ever seen – Flickr

3 - BACON EXPLOSION! – I Am Bored

2 – Ten delicious sausages - Askmen

1 – Something hilarious about Jason Mraz. Consider this a primer for the next story – Popjustice

9 - Victoria Beckham states the obvious – Holy Moly

8 – Oh David Letterman. Employ us…

7 - Hey Fearne Cotton, put something in your hair. No, not that, something stupider. Stupider. Stupider. OK, that’s great, thanks – Popsugar

6 - You heard the man, booze for the Russian cosmonaut please – Ananova

5 - They tried to make Amy Winehouse go to rehab, she said “HAIL XENU!” – Gawker

4 - Acorn Flour! Yes! – Boingboing

3 - There’s a South Park DVD coming out soon that’s shaped like a Bible. Here’s a jokeless video to mark the occasion – Dailymotion

2 - Guitar Hero World Tour. Not even Paramore can blunt our excitement – Cinema Blend

1 - Glorious, glorious kung-fu failure – I Am Bored

Back in 2004, Holly Willoughby was working as a children's TV presenter. During a live broadcast for morning noise-fest Ministry Of Mayhem her breasts wobbled out of her top for all the kids to see and applaud. Fast forward four years and she very nearly repeats the incident on ITV1's flagship reality show Dancing on Ice – only this time with added middle-aged men wanking into a frenzy.

Dancing on Ice’s producers received a total of five complaints out of eight million viewers. That is five miserly old bints who phoned up and said, "I would like to express my disgust at Holly Willoughby's dress. It was too revealing and this has upset my children. Plus my husband won't come out of the bathroom."

Important to note here that this ‘uproar’ was over what might have happened as opposed to what did. Her breasts might have fallen out of her dress. They didn't, believe us we YouTubed this to high heaven, but they might have.

Omnipresent TV chest-pain Fearne Cotton is Holly Willoughby's best mate. She doesn't have massive boobs, but is probably in less danger of becoming fat in her thirties and having to wear a support bra the size of a hammock. She is massively annoying though with the grating pitch of a deaf and dumb East End market trader, so there is a trade off.

Talking to The Sun about Holly's dress sense, Fearne had this to say:

"It seems weird that there is so much fuss over Holly's boobs when they are obviously really great. We all know Holly Willoughby has the most amazing figure ever. Anyway she's always dressed like that. She loves the 50s style fashion which oozes glamour. It only got about five complaints. It's all a bit of fun and she shouldn't change."

Woe betide us for berating any attractive woman who flirts with partial nudity, but surely Fearne has missed the point of this whole furore, just as we have missed the point of her very existence? No-one is saying there is anything wrong with 'Holly's boobs', just that maybe she doesn’t need to parade them around like two sexy prizewinning cantaloupes all the time.

We are evidently in a quandary here. Torn between journalistic integrity to report the news in a snarky way and not really caring less if both Holly Willoughby and Fearne Cotton spend the rest of their TV careers half-naked and covered in baby oil.

If nothing else perhaps we can add fuel to the debate of why women are now bigger busted than ever before, which is supposedly attributable to 'genes' and a growing trend for 'curvy' figures.

Of course most of the women saying this are overweight, single and running gossip rags in Fleet Street. They also neglect to mention that (fact fans, here we go) while the UK's average bra size has jumped from a 34b to a 36c in just ten years, the average waist size has risen from 27.5" to a whopping 34" since the 1950s. That's fatter than Robbie Williams (who? Ex-singer, eats children), or thereabouts.

But for anyone worried that Holly Willoughby will no longer be wearing revealing dresses because she is too afraid of losing her job – don't be. ITV bosses would be more likely to sack themselves before Holly, and though we are sure the official company line remains 'Do not wear such low-cut dresses Holly, you naughty, naughty girl or I'll put you over my knee', the actual insinuation will always be 'Lower, flimsier as much as possible before the watershed.'

In no attempt to appease the controversy over her dress code, Holly told Metro:

"I'll just have two purple sequins. Carefully placed."

For those wondering (and that has to be most of you by now), the grand final of Dancing on Ice is on ITV1 this Sunday, 16th March at 7.00 PM. We are holding a special after-show party and boob flash down-a-pint drinking game. Though if Fearne Cotton shows up we are moving onto halves.

Read More:

Fearne: Holly’s Boobs Are Great – The Sun

Holly's sparkling promise - Metro

That's right, it's sodding Fearne Cotton being jammed down your throat every day and night on TV, goading you closer to suicide with her big stupid voice and ridiculous clothes. Fearne Cotton is easily the worst thing about living in the UK.

But guess what? Fearne Cotton isn't going to live here any more! She's got a deal to host a primetime NBC show in America, so she'll go and live there instead. This is how Tina Turner must have felt when Ike died.

American TV producers know that nothing goes down with audiences as well as a vaguely annoyed British person. Simon Cowell's done well there, as have Anne Robinson, Gordon Ramsay and – bewilderingly – Piers Morgan. But maybe NBC misread the memo recently, because when it was chosing the host of new show The Guinness Book Of World Records – Live!, it didn't stump for a vaguely annoyed British person. It went with a vaguely annoying British person.

OK, not vaguely annoying. So annoying that just the thought of her makes us want to cry blood. It's Fearne Cotton.

Somehow – we think because she's young and looks like she knows how to send a text message – Fearne Cotton has managed to become every producer's favourite youthy presenter. It's quite an accomplishment for Fearne, because someone who studiously fills their sentences glottal stops and shouts! Every! Word! Like! It's! More! important! Than! It! Actually! Is! as much as Fearne should really have never graduated from drama school.

But, hey, as The Sun reports, that's America's problem now:

The bubbly blonde, 25, has signed a big-money deal with NBC to host The Guinness Book Of World Records – Live!… Fearne’s two-hour Guinness Records special will feature a countdown of the craziest records ever held. The show will end with a live motorcycle stunt in which Clint Ewing, 27, will try to ride through the longest-ever tunnel of fire.

What? It's not a series? Fearne Cotton is only presenting a two-hour special? That's rubbish. But, hey, maybe it'll lead to more American work. Maybe Fearne Cotton will still go and live there eventually. Right?

Well maybe not. Look at Fearne Cotton's presenting track-record. She presented Top Of The Pops and it died. She presented Love Island and it died. She presented Holly & Fearne Go Dating and not a single person watched it. She helped to host the UK's Eurovision Song Contest qualifiers and Scooch won. The woman is the kiss of death, which probably isn't something that Clint Ewing wants to hear.

Stil, maybe two is hours is all America needs to realise that a tiny pretend-cockney gonk constantly shouting made-up words and pretending that she likes indie music even though the most leftfield record she's ever bought is clearly Lady In Red isn't for them. But at least they're taking Fearne Cotton off our hands for two hours. Thank you, America.

But if you ever come for Konnie Huq we'll cut you with a knife.

Read more:

US deal is a nice little Fearner - The Sun