You may have heard that Chris Moyles – Radio 1’s captive beluga whale – has just finished doing something dead exciting.
Something more braver than what a soldier’s ever done. Something Andy McNabb would run away from, screaming like a pepper-sprayed toddler. Yes, last week Radio 1’s hot (like a panful of boiling lard) property stayed awake for longer than is comfortable. What a hero. A stalwart. A charitable chap.
Oh, and a pervert, as his last on-air wish was to have a bikini-clad Fearne Cottton enter his sweaty radio pit merely to spike his fatigue-laden libido.
And you filthy perverts loved it.
So, here we are. Living in a post-Moyles world where everything seems kind of inconsequential, given the fatman’s selfless sacrifice. We’ve had the weekend to recover from, and reflect upon, his huge personal penance paid for humanity and we have decided: he is, frankly, a physically enormous, insultingly overpaid, self-regarding oil spill.
Who somehow persuaded Fearne Cotton to get her bikini on for the cameras. That’s important.
You may have listened to some of the 52 hours of radio hijacked by the fat moron and his clucking sidekick, Comedy Dave. If so, you have our sympathies. Personally, we would struggle to think of anything – wars, plagues, standing on an upturned drawing pin – worse than listening to the corpulent DJ chatting with Scott Mills about how sweaty his crack was getting after his 37th hour on air.
So, we skipped to the end of this whole charade. Which was wise, as it meant we got a little glimpse of Fearne Cotton’s buttocks. Why? What did this have to do with a 52-hour radio marathon?
Ah, well, you have to remember that this was Chris Moyles’s 52-hour radio marathon. And what does Chris Moyles spend half of every one of his tedious shows talking about?
Food, yes, okay. And the other half?
How much he’d like to make sweet, slobbering love to Fearne Cotton, of course. And so the poor girl was made to wear a bikini and parade in front of the weary eyes of Chris Moyles and approximately 50 other people who had crammed into the studio hoping for a nip-slip.
So, after all the money raised and the good times had by all, our cynical minds were left with but one thought: if they’d attached a length of chain to Fearne Cotton in her bikini, it would have been a perfect reenactment of that bit in Return Of The Jedi when Princess Leia gets brought before Jabba The Hutt.
Boonowa tweepi, ha, ha!
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david says
Wow…you obviously have a serious issue with chris moyles. Get it right, Fearne Cotton OFFERED to wear the bikini if the show made a certain amount of money, following the lead of a male colleague earlier in the week.
All this was done to raise OVER