The way he went about this was to go on stage and get his penis out. It’s a classic technique, and one we’ve surely all practiced at some point in our lives. If we have the necessary equipment, of course.

But what happens when you’re pottering about (PUN!) getting your bits out on stage around the same time that the new chapter in a kids film, in which you star, is coming out? Well, kids, Harry Potter 6 gets pushed back eight months, if the wild, rampant and ker-azy speculation is to be believed.

Yes kids – Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince isn’t coming out because of Daniel Radcliffe’s penis. That is one of the greatest sentences we’ve ever had to write, even if it isn’t actually definitely true.

It would appear to be a tale of tail that rings somewhere in the realms of believability, with the original release date for the new Potter film falling smack-dab in the middle of Radcliffe’s run on stage in Equus. Which is, of course, the stage play in which he gets his knob out and has sex.

While it probably isn’t a proper porno – we don’t want to say for definite, we haven’t seen it – it still doesn’t sound like the kind of thing that Warner Bros. would want to associate with the actor on Harry Potter’s release. So it would make sense that this the reason why the film has been put back.

That is along, of course, with the ridiculous money-grabbing notions of the company, who clearly know they can get more money from a summertime cinema release when the kids are off school, bored and parents don’t want to be endlessly pestered so they’ll give them anything – even money for the cinema – to shut them up. The crafty studio berks.

So basically, Harry Potter fans are being shafted non-stop with all these reasons as to why they have to wait for the next installment of the kids film-cum-thing that grown idiots love. Just as there’s some horse-shafting in Daniel Radcliffe’s play. Doesn’t it just make you angry?

At least it means the armies of insane Potter fans have somewhere tangible to aim their anger – right in the face of Radcliffe, though to be honest it’s not really his fault. But we do like to blame people, so let’s all go and burn down his house.

Actually, don’t go burn down his house. We don’t want him running naked through the streets, and that would probably push the release of the film back even further.

But, of course, the main reason for the delay is still clearly money, and it’s one that should make the most ardent fans awaiting Harry Potter 6 want to vomit fire in the faces of the studio execs that made the decision. So, yes – go and do that. That would be something funny to fill hecklerspray’s day.

So today should be like Christmas for them, because Daniel Radcliffe – who, as Harry Potter, is basically King Child Star – has announced that he’s taking his production of Equus to America, where it will play in Broadway from September.

Equus. You know. Equus. The play that explores the ethical ambiguity of free will versus the enforced conventions of societal normality as laid out by the Bible and psychiatric practices. The play that, through the unique on-stage seating plan, forces the audience to confront notions of voyeurism and artifice for themselves. Oh, alright – the play where Harry Potter gets his penis out, waggles it around and then stabs a bunch of horses in the eye. Happy now?

Look out New York, Harry Potter’s naked penis is coming to enslave your city. Sure, you think the idea of looking at Harry Potter’s penis is kind of fun and silly now, but just you wait – after 15 seconds of watching Harry Potter’s gently-undulating ballsack you’ll be hypnotised and completely under his power. So don’t come running to us when you wake up the following morning and can’t work out why one of your eye sockets smells like wizard testicle.

Which we suppose is the most graceful way we could think of to tell you that Daniel Radcliffe is taking his hugely successful Equus run to Broadway later this year. Yes, soon even Americans will be able to experience the disquieting psychological onslaught of a play about a boy who stabs horses in the eye and makes a doctor dream that he’s ripping the hearts out of hundreds of crying children while dressed in a golden priest’s mask.

But let’s dispense with any talk of the actual play, because Equus will be a draw for one thing only – Harry Potter’s naked penis. It was Harry Potter’s naked penis that made Equus a success in Britain and it’s what’ll make Americans go and see it too. The Associated Press reports:

Daniel Radcliffe, the star of the “Harry Potter” movies, will make his Broadway debut on Sept. 5, playing the disturbed stable boy in a revival of Peter Shaffer’s play, “Equus,” it was announced Tuesday. “Equus” begins previews Sept. 5 for a limited 22-week run at the Broadhurst Theatre. The play opens Sept. 25-Feb. 8, 2009. Thea Sharrock directs.

Already plans are afoot to make everyone in New York sure that they know all about Harry Potter’s naked penis. There’ll the be obligatory late night talk show interviews, plus heavy coverage in the press and – if all goes according to plan – Daniel Radcliffe will announce his entrance into New York by smacking the head off the Statue Of Liberty like the Cloverfield monster. With one of his bollocks.

And we’re sure that Harry Potter’s naked penis will be quickly accepted into the New York theatrical community. Let’s not forget that New York is a city that loves public nudity – Lindsay Lohan didn’t get naked in New York magazine for nothing, you know – and there’s nothing more erotic than a young man stripping off at the behest of a non-existent equine deity, as the city’s cavalcade of Hot Teen Boy & Berserk Imaginary Horse God cock bars will attest.

Yes, Harry Potter’s naked penis, you will do well there.

Read more:

Radcliffe to Make B’way Debut in Fall – AP

And what do you know, it looks very much like the latter. Daniel Radcliffe's Equus replacement has been named as Alfie Allen – brother of Lily Allen, son of Keith Allen and subject of a pop song about what a lazy pot-smoking waster Alfie Allen is. Although Alfie Allen has had a few small acting roles in the past, Equus will mark the first time he's ever got his knob out and blinded a horse with a spike at the behest of a disturbing horse-god onstage. Not that he'll be doing that any more, of course – to suit Alfie's slightly chavvy tendencies, the storyline of Equus has now been altered so that now Alfie will just need to get naked and happyslap a horse outside JD Sports, then run home and upload it to YouTube.

Equus is something of a magical play. Not only does it raise important questions about freedom of spirit when altered by psychiatric treatment, but until recently it was the only place where you could see Harry Potter with his wanger out. Looking back, it was a masterstroke for Daniel Radcliffe to sign up for Equus – at once it removed him from the children's movies for which he was famous and increased his credentials as a serious actor. It helped that he was good in the play, too – everyone loved Harry Potter in Equus. The Telegraph called Daniel Radcliffe a "thrilling stage actor of unexpected range and depth" and hecklerspray commenter Jazmin added "I SAW HIS COCK IT HUGE…I WISH HE WAS MY HUSBAND…HIS FUCKIN HOT…WISH I HAD GONE 2 THAT PLAY!=(."

But Daniel Radcliffe couldn't star in Equus forever, because eventually his pubes would have gone grey and freaked everyone out, so instead the producers of Equus have decided to recast the lead role. And which lucky actor has the honour of superseding Daniel Radcliffe? Why, it's Lily Allen's brother Alfie Allen. You may have seen Alfie Allen in a small role in Atonement this year, or as Berkhamp On Double Bass in 2004's critical smash-hit Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination London, or you might just know Alfie Allen from that song Lily Allen wrote about him where he was played in the video by a muppet in a hoodie. Either way, you'll be able to see his penis before very long. And, as The Times reports, Alfie Allen's reputation didn't harm him one bit:

Lily immortalised her brother in the song, Alfie, which begins: "My little brother's in his bedroom smoking weed, I tell him he should get up 'cos it's nearly half past three." But Equus producer David Pugh said he made sure the young actor had changed his ways before hiring him. He told the Daily Mail: "We arranged an 8am breakfast at the Wolseley restaurant with (writer) Peter Shaffer and Alfie to see if he was still a stay-in-bed-all-day kind of boy, but I think he was the first to arrive." Shaffer recommended Alfie after seeing him in the Keira Knightley film Atonement.

Although it'd be absurd to assume that Alfie Allen in Equus will generate even a fraction of the media frothing that Daniel Radcliffe caused, we should add that he's probably more genetically disposed to nudity than Radcliffe ever was. Anyone who's ever seen Shallow Grave has seen his father's penis, for example, so maybe that brave streak of proud exhibitionism is present within Alfie too, which should make his Equus electrifying. Of course, there's an equal chance that Alfie Allen is genetically predisposed to having superfluous nipples covering most of his body, too. In which case, you know, ugh.

Read more:

Theatre Role For Lily Allen's Little Brother Alfie – Times