Americans know how they like their child-stars – naked and terrified of the malevolent horse-gods they’re also sexually aroused by.
So today should be like Christmas for them, because Daniel Radcliffe – who, as Harry Potter, is basically King Child Star – has announced that he’s taking his production of Equus to America, where it will play in Broadway from September.
Equus. You know. Equus. The play that explores the ethical ambiguity of free will versus the enforced conventions of societal normality as laid out by the Bible and psychiatric practices. The play that, through the unique on-stage seating plan, forces the audience to confront notions of voyeurism and artifice for themselves. Oh, alright – the play where Harry Potter gets his penis out, waggles it around and then stabs a bunch of horses in the eye. Happy now?
Look out New York, Harry Potter’s naked penis is coming to enslave your city. Sure, you think the idea of looking at Harry Potter’s penis is kind of fun and silly now, but just you wait – after 15 seconds of watching Harry Potter’s gently-undulating ballsack you’ll be hypnotised and completely under his power. So don’t come running to us when you wake up the following morning and can’t work out why one of your eye sockets smells like wizard testicle.
Which we suppose is the most graceful way we could think of to tell you that Daniel Radcliffe is taking his hugely successful Equus run to Broadway later this year. Yes, soon even Americans will be able to experience the disquieting psychological onslaught of a play about a boy who stabs horses in the eye and makes a doctor dream that he’s ripping the hearts out of hundreds of crying children while dressed in a golden priest’s mask.
But let’s dispense with any talk of the actual play, because Equus will be a draw for one thing only – Harry Potter’s naked penis. It was Harry Potter’s naked penis that made Equus a success in Britain and it’s what’ll make Americans go and see it too. The Associated Press reports:
Daniel Radcliffe, the star of the “Harry Potter” movies, will make his Broadway debut on Sept. 5, playing the disturbed stable boy in a revival of Peter Shaffer’s play, “Equus,” it was announced Tuesday. “Equus” begins previews Sept. 5 for a limited 22-week run at the Broadhurst Theatre. The play opens Sept. 25-Feb. 8, 2009. Thea Sharrock directs.
Already plans are afoot to make everyone in New York sure that they know all about Harry Potter’s naked penis. There’ll the be obligatory late night talk show interviews, plus heavy coverage in the press and – if all goes according to plan – Daniel Radcliffe will announce his entrance into New York by smacking the head off the Statue Of Liberty like the Cloverfield monster. With one of his bollocks.
And we’re sure that Harry Potter’s naked penis will be quickly accepted into the New York theatrical community. Let’s not forget that New York is a city that loves public nudity – Lindsay Lohan didn’t get naked in New York magazine for nothing, you know – and there’s nothing more erotic than a young man stripping off at the behest of a non-existent equine deity, as the city’s cavalcade of Hot Teen Boy & Berserk Imaginary Horse God cock bars will attest.
Yes, Harry Potter’s naked penis, you will do well there.
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