The world used to love Daniel Radcliffe.  For he was Harry Potter. From when he was just a sperm to when he sprouted his first pube Radcliffe made a spectacular living from swanning about shouting dodgy Latin while pointing a twig at things.  And we gobbled it up like the suckers we are.

But no more!

The world has got together and decided to take a giant steaming dump of rejection on Radcliffe’s snowy white shag-pile carpet of self worth.  WE DON’T LOVE YOU ANY MORE MR WIZARD!

Radcliffe’s latest post-Potter attempt at earning our esteem and the attentions of some of the dodgiest erotic literature ever to grace the Internet is The Woman In Black.  Which American box office figures have announced is not quite as good as some film called Chronicle, which is some sort of home movie made by three teenage boys who call each other ‘dude’ a lot.

Chronicle, which may or may not include teenagers with special abilities beyond the grasp of the rest of the muggle population or whatever, has soundly beaten The Woman in Black to the tune of $1 million dollars in both films’ opening weekend.  Which at current cinema ticket prices means that four more people went to a film that can levitate cars but not keep the camera level for more than one dramatic pause.

Which seems like a real shame, because Radcliffe looks very pale and skinny in the images we’ve seen of The Woman in Black.  We’ve not really read much about the film but looking at the pictures we’d guess Radcliffe is playing a hepatitis riddled Victorian opium addict and judging by his facial expressions… sorry, expression the young opium addict is required to complete complicated mathematical equations which are being held up on cards just to the left of the camera.  All while standing on a misty, cold moor in some geographically ambiguous part of Olde England.

A million dollars is a lot of rejection after you’ve sunk yourself into a role like that.  Opium isn’t cheap these days and can anyone really do quadratic equations while ankle deep in mud and horse shit?  When you are Harry Potter, you are the original face of teen-angst-meets-supernatural-powers-meets-a-fight-against-the-inherent-evil-of-the-human-condition.  That’s got to sting the ego.

But it could be worse, at least Radcliffe is still the star of his own films.  Emma ‘Hermione’ Watson is named on the posters for My Week With Marilyn but nobody seems to know if she’s been allowed to do any acting.  Rupert ‘The Ginger One’ Grint’s biggest role so far is still Thunderpants.

So Daniel, even if there’s shit on the carpet, you’re still the most famous of your friends.  And no, we don’t have any spare change, you’ll only spend it on drugs.

We all love the Harry Potter don’t we? The books are the perfect way to get kids reading and introduces more morbid elements of death and orphans in a child-friendly manner. The films are great hangover fodder, and are one of the biggest British export since Katie Price’s vagina.

All the children on them look so happy to be acting with them don’t they? Look at those cherub faces. Not knowing what real life will hold for them after the films finish. We heard that the girl who played Pansy Parkinson is teetering on a total K-hole after taking a great big E through her eyes. They’ll be friends for life once they all have a whip round and throw an intervention for her.

We’re romantics at heart aren’t we?

Well, someone who they won’t be throwing an intervention for is Rupert Grint, who, according to Harry Potter Himself is a smelly git.

Daniel Radcliffe has taken a break from getting his penis out to publicly bitchslap his co-star while at the same time, blow so much smoke up Emma Watson’s vagina that she’s starting to resemble a wigwam when she walks.

“If I see him every six months or so, it’s a friendly ‘hello, how’s things with you’ but that’s about it. I’m just going to put it out there, Emma and I text all the time but Rupert and I never text each other, we never see each other.”

Remember when girls at school would freeze out one of the clique because she had a Polly Pocket duvet cover when everyone else was into My Little Pony? This is just the same. Grint doesn’t want to be a luvvy and whack his schlong out at every opportunity and thusly, has been froze out.

Or maybe it’s just because he’s meant to be a fat pothead now.

Apparently, only Radcliffe and Grint know what the problem is, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t speculate wildly about a complex threeway with Emma Watson that just got so heavy, even though they said that it wouldn’t.

This news will come as a shock to massive fans of homo-Harry Potter-fanfic, but we’ll be round in a few minutes to throw an intervention. Or maybe you could do us a favour and kill yourself now?

There’s a good girl.

Thousands of Harry Potter fans with nothing better to do decided to stand in a queue all night while the heavens opened on them, making them wetter than Ron Weasley’s demeanour. Trafalgar Square is now overrun with Potterists with the local council considering exterminating them like rats as they breed in the streets, birthing runts diseased with magic.

Of course, these poor souls stood beneath the rainclouds ahead of the world premiere of the final instalment of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (pt 2), posing the question – why not wait a couple of weeks and watch it online where you won’t get pneumonia from sleeping like tramps in the road?

Naturally, they’ll be hanging around to see the cast, which includes recovering alcoholic Daniel Radcliffe and Emma ‘Are We Still Calling It A New Haircut?’ Watson. It’ll be thrilling for the stars to meet their fans, who will, by the time it gets to this evening,  smell so bad that even a botfly would vomit in their presence, refusing to lay their eggs in the foetid skin of the Potterites.

The film itself doesn’t see release ’til 15 July and it’d be hilarious if tonight’s premiere was postponed until then, just to test the fandom of the people in the streets right now, who invariably, have started a small scream which will gradually turn into a deafening, rasping shriek of wonderment.

Some of the 8,000 fans have been staking out their spot beside the red carpet since Monday, with some fools travelling from China just to get crushed in a throng while Daniel Radcliffe walks by wishing he was drunk.

And one weird factoid surrounding this event is that the red carpet itself is three-quarters of a mile long. Seriously. That’s a long carpet. Unless they’ve just got Gene Simmons to unfurl his tongue for them to all pad down?

It’s all a bit weird for the stars though. Rupert Grint, who plays Ron, says:

“Back then I was so fearless and on such a high and nothing fazed me. A few years down the line you’re a bit more self-conscious – it’s that awkward stage you go though when you’re a teenager.”

Critics have preemptively praised the film, probably without having seen it. It’s better to do so because you can then hope that you’ll get more freebies from the studio and Potterists will buy your worthless rag in droves.

We’ve seen it. And it’s shit. (We’re just saying that to be contrary, but it definitely won’t be as good as Cannonball Run).

ARE YOU WALKING PAST THE PREMIERE TODAY? WHY NOT TAKE A PICTURE OF THE STUPID PEOPLE DOWN THERE AND TWEET IT TO US ON TWITTER? ADDRESS BELOW. STUPIDEST PICTURE WINS A PRIZE.

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Daniel Radcliffe seems like a nice chap doesn’t he? That’s despite that fact he got naked once and showed everyone his ghastly, sinewy, gym-honed body which made him look like a pale He-Man figure (didn’t see it? Click here at your peril).

How does someone get the confidence to derobe before the public’s eyes? Easy. Get absolutely hammered ’til your liver starts to hurt.

See, what you didn’t know about the Harry Potter star is that he had a drink-problem. These days, he’s tee-total. The odd thing about that is, is that he’s no more or less interesting than he was when he was hitting the sauce with an impressive regularity.

Radcliffe says:

“I became so reliant on alcohol to enjoy stuff. There were a few years there when I was just so enamoured with the idea of living some sort of famous person’s lifestyle that really isn’t suited to me.

“I really got away with that because there were many instances when a paparazzi shot like that could have been taken.”

Drinking to have a good time? That’s wimpish talk. The hecklerspray writers drink heavily to become more maudlin than when we’re sober. Still, Radcliffe seems irritatingly happy now.

“I’m actually enjoying the fact I can have a relationship with my girlfriend where I’m really pleasant and I’m not fucking up totally all the time. As much as I would love to be a person that goes to parties and has a couple of drinks and has a nice time, that doesn’t work for me.

“I do that very unsuccessfully. I’d just rather sit at home and read, or talk to somebody that makes me laugh. There’s no shame in enjoying the quiet life. And that’s been the realisation of the past few years for me.”

PARDON?! There’s no shame in enjoying the quiet life?! That is utterly appalling, shame-filling talk! We want our celebrities to be jaundiced and in a constant state of disrepair, falling face-first out of nightclubs and being sick into their expensive clutch bags!

Radcliffe. You have some work to do. Get addicted to sexy auto-asphyxia or something! Or heroin! ANYTHING! PLEASE! WE NEED TO WRITE ABOUT YOU WHILE THAT STUPID DEATHLY HALLOWS PT 2 COMES OUT! DON’T MAKE US EARN OUR ARTICLES!

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Howdy pardners! Emma ‘YeeHaw’ Watson is in the good ol’ U S of A to work on her American doodle dandy accent for a role in ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’, which is one of those varmint adaptation of the hella controversial book doobry  about teenage life and sexuality.

Whyayeoudda!

As you critters can see, we Limeys are rootin’ and tootin’ when it comes to doing the American accent! We can all do the New Yoik accent too. We even have the punchline, but not the joke, for a New Yoik accent joke about dolphins. The punchline is ‘they were suffering from crossed porpoises’. And so, like, Emma Watson will like, toootally be great at doing, like, an American accent, like. She ain’t so sure.

When taking a break from the shoot of ‘Wallflower’, she spoke of doing the accent.

“I was really nervous! I think it sounded terrible.”

However, dudes and dudettes, she’s totally optimistic in a bodacious way.

“Having been out in Pittsburgh for four weeks — it’s OK. It’s good. I’m hopeful about it.”

All she has to do now, to really become Apple Pie, it to develop an unhealthy loathing of Mexicans, buy a gun and start believing in Jesus Christ.

Easy.

Now here’s Emma trying an American accent a while back with the rest of the Harry Potter cast who are all irritatingly charming.

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In a shocking revelation this week, pop entity Cheryl Cole laid down the gauntlet to that lassie from Harry Potter that it’s now all right to fancy, Emma Watson. Harry Potter girl has been accused by former Girls Aloud star and alleged racist Cheryl of stealing her Style Crown, given to her by Glamour Magazine for being the world’s best dressed woman

The Harry Potter star has topped Glamour’s 9th Annual Best Dressed Woman List, beating renowned malaria sufferer Cole and Twilight actress Kristen… Kristen… uhh… yeah, that lassie out of Twilight to the top spot.

The other female X Factor judge Dannii Minogue also makes the most pointless top 10 list since a hecklerspray advertorial along with Rihanna and some bimbo from Glee.

Cheryl Cole was supposedly so incensed at the literal theft of the ‘Best Dressed Woman’ crown from her walled mansion that she immediately hired a team of private investigators to track it down.

They supposedly found a long paper-trail of editorial emails hidden in the servers of Glamour Magazine stating that the crown would be stolen back from Cole in order to present it to Emma Watson who, by some numerical miracle, had managed to actually win the (supposedly) coveted title.

When confronted with the information, Glamour Magazine instantly folded its offices down to the size of an envelope and flushed itself down a nearby public lavatory leading conspiracy theorists to wail pointlessly that Glamour might be ‘in the pocket’ of a certain boy wizard and his friends, which would explain Watson’s sudden and unexpected victory.

Cheryl, being the incredibly rational human being that she is, has supposedly laid down the gauntlet (in this case believed to be a single Burberry glove) to Watson and challenged her to an all-out scrap with no rules and hair-pulling very much on the agenda. She wants her crown back and is willing to get in the ring to do it. Many celebrity commentators are already predicting a win for the peevish Geordie over the Franco-Oxfordian Watson.

Here at hecklerspray, we don’t like to comment on celebrity fights but even we have to admit, on previous form, Cheryl Cole does seem to have the upper hand and, most likely, the upper-cut. Will she take her crown back? Who cares?

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Oi! People who like Harry Potter! It’s the trailer for the thing you’ve all been waiting for! That’s right kiddiekins (and adultkins as well), the final instalment from Hogwarts is upon us with Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows Part 2 looking rather explodey.

In the trailer, which you can see over the jump, you’ll see Harry squaring up to Lord Voldemort who still hasn’t found his nose. No matter though, because what the baddies lack in noses, they make up for with gigantic fire-breathing monsters.

And the flick seems to be keen to go out with a bang, which is remarkable seeing as the early books/films were so twee. This is going to give some kids nightmares. And nightmares are great.

Like all Potter films, half of the British equity members will be appearing, with Helena Bonham Carter, Robbie Coltrane, Tom Felton, Ralph Fiennes, Brendan Gleeson, Richard Griffiths, John Hurt, Jason Isaacs, Helen McCrory, Bill Nighy, Miranda Richardson and Alan Rickman all showing their faces.

Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, Emma Watson et al, will all be on the red carpet in London when the film opens on July 7th in what is one of the most highly anticipated films in recent memory.

And so, sneering naysayers (our favourite type of human), you have a few weeks to brush up on your cusses about the film and how awful it is that adults are reading books designed for children (unless it’s Alice In Wonderland or The Little Prince, which are socially acceptable children’s books which adults can delve into).

Here’s the expensive looking trailer.

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Star of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and owner of new enviable haircut, Emma Watson, is all heart. She really is. When it comes to feeling sorry for people, she’s the best in the business. And which needy urchin has bipped on her sympathy radar?

Why, it is none other than our future Queen, Kate Middleton! Poor, poor Kate Middleton.

Emma Watson can’t help but feel sorry for the princess-to-be ahead of the Royal Wedding. It must be awful to have all that wealth, power, glory, pomp, attractiveness and more. hecklerspray has been feeling the pain of Middleton’s life more than anyone. Every time we look at her, we burst into tears at the misery of it all.

Watson understands what Kate is going through as she’s also wealthy, attractive and well-spoken.

Ahead of the Royal Wedding, which for some reason, has been deemed important enough to write out with capital letters, Watson looks at Middleton and thinks about her time in the spotlight.

Watson says:

“Poor girl, that must be an incredible amount of pressure.

“I hope she’s enjoying it. Must be intense.”

Yessum. Middleton will have to suffer the pressure of doing the one potentially difficult thing in her life, while mainly stood up in a very, very, very, very expensive dress while people gawp at her for an hour or two, before she disappears down the Royal rabbit hole, never to be touched by the hand of a droog again.

And it all kicks off on April 29th at Westminster Abbey!

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Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is out really, really soon. However, some of you lot just can’t wait. According to sources, the first 36 minutes of the latest instalment of the film were leaked online.

It’s obvious that Harry Potter films are highly searched for on Torrent sites (because it’s nerds who inhabit both worlds) but this leak before release will be particularly worrying for Warner Brothers.

Which of course, is absolutely hilarious.

The studio said in a statement:

“This constitutes a serious breach of copyright violation and theft of Warner Bros. property,”

“We are working actively to restrict and/or remove copies that may be available. Also, we are vigorously investigating this matter and will prosecute those involved to the full extent of the law.”

Ooooh! Someone’s going to get arrested! The likelihood of that happening is slim and, lets be honest, it’s not like it will make a dent in the box office sales of the film is it?

Last year’s ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’ took nearly $1 billion worldwide despite being one of the most pirated movies of the year with apparently more than 8 million illegal downloads.

Anyway, reports suggest that the leak has been taken down, but there’ll be other copies available online no doubt, as that’s the nature of the thing isn’t it?

And we’ve lost all our traffic as people scurry off in an attempt to get the first half hour of a film they’ll watch at the cinema anyway! It doesn’t even include the part when Emma Watson takes her top off!

*shakes wand*

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Unless you’re a similar age to Emma Watson, it’s very difficult to be open and honest about how attractive she is. If you’ve watched the Harry Potter films, then you’ve effectively babysat her, watching her grow up from a child, into a gangly teen, ultimately, into Mia Farrow.

In any other circumstance, you could probably get done for grooming. Mercifully for hecklerspray readers, debasing yourself with pleasures of the wrist over a famous woman doesn’t count as something arrest worthy.

And so, cram this into your confused little skull-putty. Emma Watson does a big passionate kiss with no top on in Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows.

Before reading this, get this fact into your head: Emma Watson is 20 years old.

Okay? Good.

So, Emma Watson gets her top off for a passionate embrace in the new Harry Potter film and of course, it being part of a film, the reality of the situation was anything but sexual.

Watson says:

“I’m proud of it, and considering how bloody awkward it was, I’m really impressed we managed to make it look anything other than awkward – because Dan and I are like brother and sister, so it was tough making it look passionate.”

Of course, the scene needed to be shot with several takes, leaving the cast and crew to gawp on and watch two young people chewing each others tonsils over and over until the whole scenario became surreal. Oh, and there was the small matter of the first few being too tame which saw director David Yates telling his stars to be more

“pagan and mad”

Emma continues:

“I realised I would have fewer takes to do if I just got on with it and just gave David what he wanted, which was a passionate kiss.”

“It was only the day before that they said, ‘Oh, by the way, we hope it’s all right, but we want you to be topless, and we’re going to cover you in silver paint’”

And what does Daniel Radcliffe think about all this?

“I thought it was going to be like a soft, sensual sort of moment, and it was this very vigorous kissing scene. She really went for it. It caught me slightly off guard, but yeah, I’m not complaining.”

Dirty buggers. Not the actors – YOU LOT.

Okay, it’s us.

It’s always us.

Sorry.

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Are you gearing yourself up to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1? A lot of you have spent a lot of money watching the films of the children’s fantasy books, making the actors on the franchise very wealthy indeed!

And now, Emma Watson wants to tell us about her riches. A few years ago, when she was 17 or 18 (aka, the time when people stopped feeling quite so guilty about the impure thoughts they’d had about her) when her dad sat her down for ‘The Chat’.

Of course, when our parents sit us down to have ‘The Chat’ with us, it usually involves condom advice… however, when you’re Emma Watson, it involves your parents telling you how puke-inducingly wealthy you’ve become.

Up to that point, Watson had been living off a rather nice $75 per week (hecklerspray didn’t get spends at all, which saw us stealing money from mum’s purse or looking for change in phone boxes). However, the time had come to tell her about the sensitive subject of her actually being a millionaire.

Watson says:

“By the third or fourth film, the money was starting to get serious”

“I had no idea. I felt sick, very emotional.”

So how much money would it take you to nearly be sick? Well, if you’re Emma Watson, then it’s being worth around $32 million. This also means that, reportedly, she’s the highest paid woman in Hollywood. How do you like them apples?

Of course, now that her contract is up with the Harry Potter franchise, she went and chopped off all of her hair into a very cool Mia Farrow pixie cut.

So what now for the actress? Drink and drugs binges to give us yet another story of a child actress going nutso? Well, that seems incredibly unlikely as she’s irritatingly grounded. Probably thanks to her meagre allowance when she was younger.

Still, there’s hope because the young actress has gone to university where she is currently a sophomore at Brown University in Rhode Island, getting a degree in art and literature. Student life is definitely conducive to necking bottles of cheapo cider and getting love-bites off ne’er-do-wells.

Alas, she’s wealthy enough to never work again, so we can only hope she turns into some bonkers eccentric with a coat made out of live snakes and glasses made from Rowntrees Fruit Pastilles.

‘Til then, you’ll just have to ogle her in the new Harry Potter films and the endless merchandise that comes out just in time for Christmas.

Dirty sods.

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Twilight and Harry Potter are basically the same – both are supernatural books for children and stupid adults.

But there are differences. In Harry Potter, it’s basically taken as granted that all the characters are timid virgins – except for Dumbledore, of course, who spends most of his free time engaged in all sorts of bizarre kinky sex acts in a disused Hogwarts dungeon – while everyone in Twilight is so obsessed with sex that they can’t even brush their hair or smile or learn how to breathe quietly.

And this has riled Harry Potter‘s Emma Watson. She’s accused Twilight‘s Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart of ‘selling sex’. Which isn’t true, obviously – anyone with half a brain can see that sex with either Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart would be like sex with a disinterested shop mannequin that’s been left out in the rain for months – but anyway, this is a fight and fights are cool.

Emma Watson is a clever girl. She’s clever enough to go to university and become the world’s highest-paid actress and to get a haircut that doesn’t look completely hopeless. But when it comes to picking fights, Emma Watson has no clue at all.

Why? Because she’s just picked a fight with Twilight. And this is something she shouldn’t have done. Emma Watson shouldn’t have picked a fight with Twilight because Twilight is much cooler than Harry Potter. The soundtracks are cooler, the look is cooler and the haircuts – although legitimately awful – are cooler. Harry Potter has a theme park, for crying out loud – that’s preposterously uncool. Imagine a Twilight theme park – it’d be full of blank-faced, dispossessed emos standing around listlessly and breathing through their noses as hard as they can. It’d be rubbish.

What’s more, Emma Watson has even got the entire basis of her fight wrong, as MTV reports:

When speaking about the final installment of Harry Potter, The Deathly Hallows in a conference call with journalists, Watson reportedly said: “This kiss between Hermione and Ron is highly anticipated, it’s been building up for eight films now.” She added to the New York Daily News: “And Harry Potter is not Twilight, you know. We’re not selling sex.”

Which is just plain wrong. For all of its numerous flaws, Twilight doesn’t really sell sex at all. It’s the story of a woman who doesn’t have sex, then doesn’t have sex, then doesn’t have sex, then does have sex and immediately gets pregnant with a vile little monster that smashes her bones from the inside and has to actually be bitten out of her uterus by the person who knocked her up. And if that’s selling sex then the salesman should probably be fired for negligible incompetence for doing such a shitty job.

And here ends the last time we’ll ever defend Twilight. Because we hate it and think anybody who likes it is an idiot. Fact.

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First Daniel Radcliffe steps out with a girl and now Emma Watson has given herself a haircut.

The Harry Potter stars are all growed up. Now that they don’t have to make any more films, the actors are going out of their way to distance themselves from the franchise as much as possible. Radcliffe did this subtly, by carefully introducing a girlfriend. But Emma Watson has gone all out, unveiling a drastic new Mia Farrow-style haircut on Facebook to put the spectre of Hermione firmly behind her.

And now it’s left up to Rupert Grint to complete the triptych. Rumour has it that he plans to demonstrate his new-found maturity by getting drunk on cheap cider and trying to pork a mountain lion on top of a hill while Foreigner‘s I Want To Know What Love Is blares out from a set of nearby speakers.

Have you heard the news? Emma Watson has given herself a daring new haircut. How daring, exactly? Well, all the hair has been pulled out of Emma Watson’s head and replaced with several thousand earthworms. Plus there’s now a monkey dressed up as an old-time bellboy constantly perched on top of her head that can whistle and offer cigarettes to strangers. Plus pipes have been fitted under her scalp that can shoot water out of her temples in time with up to five songs of her choosing. Really, Emma Watson’s new haircut is extremely daring.

Wait, what? None of that is true? Emma Watson has just cut her hair quite short? Oh, that’s a disappointment. CBS reports:

The “Harry Potter” star and Brown University student posted a picture on her Facebook account with a new pixie cut reminiscent of Mia Farrow in “Rosemary’s Baby.” “Dear all. Cut my hair off a few days ago… Feels incredible. I love it. I’ve wanted to do this for years and years; it’s the most liberating thing ever. Hope you like,” the actress posted on her profile Thursday.

Still, even though it’s just a sodding haircut and there are plenty of more important things to worry about about, Emma Watson’s new haircut has completely split the public opinion. Some love it, saying that the short cut only accentuates her fine bone structure and elfin features. Some, meanwhile, have been less kind, saying that the cut has robbed Emma Watson of her femininity.

And others have pointed out that it’s just a bloody haircut and it’ll grow back and nobody has died and God you’re still actually reading this, aren’t you, even though it’s just a story about a woman getting her poxy hair cut and look at you, your lives are empty and pointless and devoid of meaning and everything you do disgusts us even though we’re the ones who’ve just spent 500 words talking about it so really we’ve come out worst here and oh Jesus we hate ourselves so much and where did everything go so pathetically wrong for us?

So, you know, the haircut has attracted a range of reactions.

Image: Facebook

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What do you mean, you’ve never heard of One Night Only? What about that album that was out that one time?

Or that set they did at that place? Or the way that bloke did that thing with the other guy and there was all that thing with the thing? That thing, right? It was massive!

Yeah, OK. I have no idea who they are either. On second thoughts the headline should have read, ‘That Bird From Harry Potter That You Still Feel Quite Mucky For Fancying Even Though You’re Pretty Sure She’s Been Legal For A While Now Hooks Up With Some Guy From Some Band’. You’d probably need quite a large screen resolution to fit that on though.

God knows who this guy is, but he’s probably feeling really awkward about buying those Harry Potter top trumps and accidentally ‘losing’ the Hermione one. But you’ve got to admire his commitment to marketing.

What are these child stars going to do now their magical gravy-train is running out of steam (that’s a gravy train that is magical, not a train that runs on magic gravy)? One of them is off to stab horses in the nude (that’s him in the nude, not the horses. Although they probably are, what with being horses and all. It’d probably be more weird if he was stabbing horses that were dressed in tuxedoes or wearing leather or something), one is off making terrible films about how bad it is to be ginger, or whatever. No one really cared about him anyway.

Now it looks like Emma Watson seems determined to go the route of ‘having it off with singers from terrible indie bands’. As Marie Claire witters:

“And when I was in the States, George was taking me through a lot of his music as he was recording it. I couldn’t believe (how good the music was). I’m a big fan. Everything he did was amazing.”

Amazing? That’s quite a strong endorsement, and going on 100% of her past record, it’s far more likely that One Night Only are a legitimately awful band, with a full-on preening tosser for a frontman and the capacity for self-aggrandisement that borders on the mentally ill. It’s practically science.

On the other hand, it can’t be easy on the fellow though. Not only is he the frontman of a scientifically-verified terrible band, but the next time this guy is out in public he’ll probably be ripped apart by a crowd of baying fathers driven crazy by the cognitive dissonance between their desire to fatherly protect the poor innocent Hermione Granger, and their absolutely raging hard-ons for the poor innocent Hermione Granger.

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Lost has finished, 24 has finished, U2 are crocked, nobody likes Justin Bieber any more – this is a time for endings.

That goes for Harry Potter, too. In six months, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows will be released – and that’ll be the last we hear of Harry Potter. Apart from the second part of Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, which comes out six months later. But that’ll be the last we hear of Harry Potter. Apart from the theme park. And the conventions. And the 2025 made-for-TV reunion show put together to pay off Rupert Grint‘s tax bill, obviously.

But despite all this, filming is coming to an end on the Harry Potter series. And apparently the Harry Potter stars are quite sad about it. Who knew?

To most people, the Harry Potter films are just something they’re dragged to see every couple of years because they lack the balls to stand up to their girlfriend. But for the stars of the films, Harry Potter has been their entire lives. They started off as children and now they’re adults. They’ve been through every conceivable stage of biological development – the stage where they catch swine flu, the stage where they find dreadful indie singers attractive and the stage where they decided to get their penis out for paying strangers night after night. We’ve all been there.

Anyway, throughout all of this, they always had Harry Potter. But not any more. There are only two weeks of filming left on Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows, and Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson have been describing how sad they are to see the series come to an end. But, hey, at least they’re being rational about it – it is only a film, after all. Right, Emma? BBC News reports:

“I feel like someone’s dying, it sounds like an exaggeration but I really do,” said Watson… Daniel Radcliffe, who has played Harry Potter since the age of 11, said: “I’m going to be devastated to some degree. It’s going to be very sad because it’s been such a part of my life.”

OK, maybe not rational as such. Sorry.

Still, if Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe want to keep making Harry Potter films, they should. Just because JK Rowling has stopped writing books, it doesn’t mean that there aren’t any stories left to tell. There’s plenty of Harry Potter fan fiction knocking around for example. Maybe the next film should be based on the story where Harry Potter gets shot off to another dimension and then dies, or the one where Harry Potter has fairly graphic sex with Draco Malfoy. You’d watch that, wouldn’t you? Anyone? Hello?

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