Remember when Eminem was kinda vital to have around? He made records that didn’t rely on funk breaks and effectively spat out a mixture of awkward confessionals and comedy skits, rather than focusing on displays of wealth and success.

Not that his albums were very good mind you.

And then, of course, he went mental and got addicted to all manner of nonsense and sampled Haddaway, which is just preposterous. You can’t ‘keep it real’ while sampling tawdry Europop. What next? Marshall Mathers Versus London Boys? It would seem that Eminem is off the boil and no longer in the same vicinity as the pulse, let alone getting his finger on it. This is underlined by his snickering at Lady GaGa having a penis, which is now officially so old that it is being considered for inclusion in Christmas crackers.

So late is Mathers on this ‘GaGa Having A Dick’ thing, is that he’s already been beaten to the joke by GaGa herself, who not only joked that she was a hermaphrodite, but also that she wanted to play shows with a giant strap-on member.

That’s not stopping Eminem though as he’s even got a rap about it.

In new track, ‘A Kiss’, put out under his side-project Bad Meets Evil, he raps:

“Tell Lady Gaga she can quit her job at the post office/ She’s still a male lady.”

“Wouldn’t fuck her with her dick/ You heard it/ The verdict’s in.”

Hardly the bone-crunching lyrical wit that we saw in the uncomfortable stalker episode of ‘Stan’ or the glib asides of ‘Guess Who’s Back?’ Not that they were particularly good either, but still, they had something right?

Talking about his GaGa Penis, he says:

“I think Lady Gaga, as an artist you know, she’s undeniable. That was one of them things where sometimes I get a joke in my head and I kinda want to share it with the world, you know what I’m saying.”

“So it was just one of them things man, and it’s you know it’s all in fun, its hip-hop.”

Next week, Eminem writes a song called ‘Have You Seen These New Things Called Soda-Stream?’

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Once upon a time, bands and artists were nominated for musical awards based on the merit of the audio they committed to LPs. Now, it seems that you can predict the nominees for ceremonies months in advance. Lady Gaga could release an album where she tapes herself constructing a shelf. It could sell bugger-all, but if a good marketing campaign backs it up, then some idiot will buy it.

Hooray for the humble PR team, the people who are paid to promote artists and generate advertising for them at inappropriate times – such as Take That on every single TV show and advert when opportunity becomes available.

Given that, let us offer our worthless opinion for this year’s nominations that had a great marketing team, appeared at festivals or featured in trashy magazines.

It isn’t all bad news though, we can happily report that Muse didn’t receive any nominations and nobody on the Brit committee decided to award Michael Jackson another post-death statue.

However, just like fans of the two artists mentioned, the ceremony will be devoid of laughs and personality as James Corden attempts to host. Perhaps he’ll just resort to running around with belly out for a couple of cheap thrills. Oh how the O2 arena will erupt into a lol frenzy.

Looking at the lists in all the categories, one thing stands out to us (once we cast aside any musical prejudice).

Every single person is instantly recongnisable and seemingly nominated because they’ve sold a bucket load of records. Of course, this seems obvious as “pop” is short for “popular”, but amazingly, there are all sorts of hidden gems that never get played, mainly because the music industry is close to imploding. Anyone daring to play something or even experimental may find it backfires and ends up short on sales.

Therefore, household names like Cheryl “coz am worth it pet” Cole, Eminem and the Glee Cast are being handed nominations on a plate. Cole’s album is nothing more than a ropey cash-in based on the seeming love for the electro sound and songs all about her marriage. As for Eminem? He did that song with the lovely Rihanna, focusing on happy themes such as domestic violence, even though he did something similar with Dido on the track Stan. And Glee? Well, that is nothing more than sugar coated karaoke featuring children who look innocent and sweet, but they’d probably form a crime syndicate if they weren’t actors.

Even though “celebrity” is muscling in on the modern day award ceremony with rock n roll behavior being classed as staying up till 2AM and squirting someone with ketchup, a small lifeline to music is still being offered.

Best Producer may throw up names that aren’t instantly recogniseable, but without these people, half the records on the shelves wouldn’t be there. Whilst bands might be able to pluck a guitar sweetly, they mightn’t have the technical ability and skills to record the sounds, subsequently arranging and manipulating audio in to songs. Whilst a band may have four official members, the unknown fifth is always the producer.

The Brits always offers supposed change and diversity, but these categories are still the same old boring ones we’re used to seeing. Why not dedicate something towards new artists by having an award for “best debut album”. Best breakthrough is a basic term for “artist who became really popular and sold loads of records”. Elsewhere, “best independent label” wouldn’t go a miss, so recognition could be shown to labels actively hunting and promoting underground music.

Or thinking out of the box completely, looking at sub-genres in established genres, such as the currently popular dubstep in electronic music.

Come the time the awards are dished out, we probably won’t feel any more excitement than we currently do. Saying that, as long as lovely Rihanna wins, that’ll make us happy. The full nominations below:

BRITISH MALE SOLO ARTIST
Mark Ronson
Paul Weller
Plan B
Robert Plant
Tinie Tempah

BRITISH FEMALE SOLO ARTIST
Cheryl Cole
Ellie Goulding
Laura Marling
Paloma Faith
Rumer

BRITISH BREAKTHROUGH ACT
Ellie Goulding
Mumford & Sons
Rumer
Tinie Tempah
The xx

BRITISH GROUP
Biffy Clyro
Gorillaz
Mumford & Sons
Take That
The xx

BRITISH SINGLE
Alexandra Burke ft Pitbull – All Night Long
Cheryl Cole – Parachute
Florence & The Machine – You’ve Got The Love
Matt Cardle – When We Collide
Olly Murs – Please Don’t Let Me Go
Plan B – She Said
Scouting for Girls – This Ain’t A Love Song
Taio Cruz – Dynamite
Tinie Tempah – Pass Out
The Wanted – All Time Low

MASTERCARD BRITISH ALBUM OF THE YEAR
Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More
Plan B – The Defamation of Strickland Banks
Take That – Progress
Tinie Tempah – Disc-Overy
The xx – XX

INTERNATIONAL MALE SOLO ARTIST
Bruce Springsteen
Cee Lo Green
David Guetta
Eminem
Kanye West

INTERNATIONAL FEMALE SOLO ARTIST
Alicia Keys
Katy Perry
Kylie Minogue
Rihanna
Robyn

INTERNATIONAL BREAKTHROUGH ACT
Bruno Mars
Glee Cast
Justin Bieber
The National
The Temper Trap

INTERNATIONAL GROUP
Arcade Fire
Black Eyed Peas
Kings of Leon
The Script
Vampire Weekend

INTERNATIONAL ALBUM
Arcade Fire – The Suburbs
Cee Lo Green – The Lady Killer
Eminem – Recovery
Katy Perry – Teenage Dream
Kings of Leon – Come Around Sundown

CRITICS’ CHOICE
Jessie J
James Blake
The Vaccines

BRITISH PRODUCER
Ethan Johns
John Leckie
Markus Dravs
Mike Pela
Stuart Price

Remember when there was a flicker of life in Eminem’s eyes? Remember those days? He was the Bart Simpson of the rap world and got up people’s noses and occasionally made a tune worth listening to. And everyone kinda liked ‘Stan’ for a few months.

Then, Marshall Mathers went mental, got strung out on all kindsa weird stuff and then watched his weight fluctuate wildly like someone looking at their reflection in a fun house mirror.

The one thing that remained as constant was Eminem’s potty-mouth. He swears more than a carpenter with giant thumbs… but not in his home, if you can believe that.

That’s what Mathers’ is saying. Once the microphone is switched off, he’s at home with his kids totally not swearing all the time. Y’know? Like a proper parent.

On a chat-show, he said:

“Profanity around my house? No.”

“I’m not saying there’s not glimpses of me in the music, [that] there’s not truth in … things that I say. But this is music, this is my art…”

Eh?

It seems like he’s taking his role a dad seriously. Which is disappointing if you want to write humorous articles about stupid celebrities.

“I’m a parent. I have daughters. I mean, how would I really sound, as a person … walking around my house [saying], ‘Bitch, pick this up,’ you know what I mean? … I don’t cuss.”

We were kinda hoping he’d be an absolute monster around the house, swearing and pistol-whipping his family while playing sub-bass frequencies at them during the night, so they spend all day in a brink-of-tears sleep-deprived state, which in turn, makes them clumsy and forgetful, which in turn, makes Eminem even more angry… and so it goes on.

But he’s not. He’s all lovely and shit.

He’s even concerned about when your stupid offspring listen to his music but is keen to point out that he’s not going to try and teach ‘em right from wrong. They’re your stupid kids, not his.

“I feel like it’s your job to parent them. If you’re the parent, be a parent.”

He should have added “motherf[that's enough of that, thank you very much - Hecklerspray Bosses]

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This week in good and bad.

Folded:

• Stephen Fry at his best (guess who his target is..?)
• Want to make a Tron costume for Halloween? This is still the best one out there (warning: contains testes)
• Some clarification on the most talked about baffling film of the last thirty years (not Inception)
• Randy Quaid (Yes! Cousin Eddie has come to stay!)
• Twitter worm (it takes a  virus to realise you’ve been wasting most of your day)

Creased:

• Eminem (currently has eight songs in the charts, all from 2002)
• Mad Men spoilers on Twitter (what is it about this show that causes everyone in the U.S. to hashtag ruin it for the rest of us?)
• That cringy bit at the end of The X-Factor where the judges make out an obviously talented singer won’t be put through to ‘boot camp’ (“You raise me up”, “This is my perfect moment” – take your pick)
• It’s so cold out (yes, pillock in t-shirt, we’re talking to you)
• Passport office (ever been to one of these places? They’re staffed by the entire cast of The League of Gentlemen)

Good news! Eminem is back with a brand new album that everybody is really trying very hard to like.

Better news! Eminem’s new single is called Love The Way You Lie and Rihanna sings the chorus on it. Best news! Despite Rihanna’s very public struggles with domestic violence, the video to Love The Way You Lie is largely about Megan Fox and Charlie from Lost beating each other up. How brilliant is that? It’s like Rihanna is totally using the video as a cathartic method of release. Or she’s cashing in on the fact that her boyfriend beat her to the brink of unconsciousness last year. Or she’s saying that domestic violence is wonderful.

To be honest, we’ve lost the ability to tell. But you know what’ll sort that out? A good old decoding of the Eminem and Rihanna Love The Way You Lie video. After the jump, everyone…

First, here’s the Eminem and Rihanna Love The Way You Lie video in full…

Did you watch it? All the way through? No, us neither. We’re busy people and, to be honest, the song isn’t very good. But what’s all this with Megan Fox and Charlie from Lost? There’s only one thing for it – we need to break this story down into pieces.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 1

Look, it’s Megan Fox and Charlie from Lost. They are evidently quite in love. This should be a beautiful, beautiful video and no mistake.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 2

But oh no! Although Charlie may have saved the lives of all his Lost friends by writing on his hand, this time he’s spectacularly bodged up his relationship with Megan Fox by doing the exact same thing. Remember Charlie, ‘Not Penny’s Boat’ good, ‘Cindy 555 0936′ bad. But let’s not leap to conclusions here – for all we know Cindy is Charlie’s sister or the woman who provides him with protective eyewear.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 3

OK, it’s obviously not the eyewear thing. If that’s who Cindy was then Charlie would have been prepared for Megan Fox’s furious spit attack. But alas, she gobbed right into his mush. This doesn’t look very hopeful.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 4

Uh-oh. Now Megan Fox has hit Charlie. This is ominous. God knows how Charlie will react to this.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 5

HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST! HE’S EATING HER! HE’S ACTUALLY BLOODY EATING HER ALIVE! THIS IS APPALLING! SOMEONE STOP THIS ATROCITY!

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 6

Incidentally, if anyone was wondering where Eminem is while this nightmare is playing out, he’s in a field. Again, he’s in a field.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 7

But back to the story. Here we can see Charlie, consumed with guilt after eating Megan Fox alive, attempt to cough her back up like a hairball. This will be an easy feat to accomplish because, as everyone knows, Megan Fox is small than the width of Charlie from Lost‘s oesophagus, and also Charlie has the gastrointestinal system of a small domesticated animal.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 8

“Sorry I cheated on you, ate you alive and then coughed you back up, Megan Fox.”
“That’s OK, Charlie from Lost.”
“By the way, while I was coughing you up I accidentally shat out this teddy bear. Would you like it?”
“Yes please.”

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 9

Oh, now Charlie from Lost has punched Megan Fox in the face. Didn’t see that coming.

LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE VIDEO SCENE 10

And now Charlie has set himself on fire. Well, this seems to follow the basic pattern of domestic violence – mistrust, physical violence, cannibalisation, regurgitation, teddy-shitting, more physical violence and then spontaneous human combustion. Well done to Rihanna for pointing this out to us.

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Right, everyone needs to calm down. CALM DOWN! JUST RELAX! Breathe. That’s it. Breathe. Relax your mind, calm your addled nerves with a nice green tea or a cuddle with a bosomy fat person.

Feeling better? Good. Now, try and maintain your calm, because it’s important. Otherwise this whole Liam Gallagher versus Peter Kay thing could escalate, and no one wants to have to go through the whole Biggie and Tupac debacle. Not again.

The north of England will, of course, be divided – some flashing ‘knobhead’ signs at one another, in honour of Peter Kay’s aside when the Oasis man attempted to look like a rock star by throwing his award into a stage school student’s face. Whilst the rest will be miming the throwing incident, then probably high fiving/kissing one another. This, people, is exactly how gang warfare starts.

So, as a means of terrifying you with the harsh reality of exactly what can happen as a result of a celebrity feud, below are some recent examples. If you scare easily, you should probably stop reading right now, and go and read a romantic novel or something. This isn’t for the faint hearted…Cheryl Cole versus Charlotte Church

Otherwise known as ‘the day pop music died’, this began when Cheryl Cole (or as she was known then, ‘Cheryl Tweedy’) made some catty remark about the opera singer. Or it might have been the other way round. No one is completely sure. But it’s a damn mess. Both so feminine, so beautiful, but put a few alcoholic lemonades down them, and it’s like Armageddon. Church recently vowed to knock Cheryl out if she sees her, and just by saying that she made everyone in earshot an accomplice to GBH. And, sorry to say it, but by reading this, you’re now an accomplice too. We’re all going to jail!

Paris Hilton versus Nicole Richie

Oh, it was great when they were friends! Particularly when they did that show about going to poor people’s houses to tease the family youngsters to a full erection, before leaving. That was hilarious. So imagine our horror, when Paris said this: “It’s no big secret that Nicole and I are no longer friends. Nicole knows what she did, and that’s all I’m ever going to say about it.” No! What did she do, Paris? Did she hurt you? Tell us! Damn Nicole Richie and her hurtful behaviour…

Eminem versus Mariah Carey

This could have been a marriage made in heaven. Him a rapper from the wrong side of the tracks, her the singing princess who demands that everything always be at room temperature. Especially rooms. Unfortunately, the minute that Eminem suggested that Carey had enjoyed long evenings receiving his drooling tongue, she immediately backtracked, and insisted that no rubbing/smearing had ever taken place between the two. The rapper hit back by featuring some of her sensual voice messages on one of his albums, whilst she put paid to the whole thing by marrying someone. Such a waste.

Shannen Doherty versus Alyssa Milano

Time was when these girls had it all – great looks, big wads of freshly ironed notes shoved in their back pockets, character acting roles in the hit US TV show Charmed. Unfortunately, art decided to imitate life, as the girls morphed into witches, with Milano saying this of her ex-buddy: “Shannen was like a bad roommate. There was a lot of tension on the set. She can be aggressive, so I was afraid of her. I got more hurt than angry.” To which Shannen replied: “Twenty years in this business, and I have only one person who hates me in my life.” Erm, actually Shannen, perhaps make that at least two.

Jennifer Lopez versus Gwyneth Paltrow

Forget what you know about Jennifer Lopez, that woman isn’t the dreamy singer/actress/bottom on your television screen – beneath the kindly veneer beats the heart of a cruel tigress. Like a wrestler picking a fight with an invalid, she once said this of Gwyneth Paltrow: “I don’t remember anything she was in. Some people get hot by association. I heard more about her and Brad Pitt than I ever heard about her work.” Ouch. Of course, Gwyneth has enjoyed the last laugh, because she’s now married to the guy from Coldplay, and has starred in great films, like… erm…

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt, whose Interestment comedy nights are a thing to behold

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Hey man, don’t sit around feeling all sorry for Madonna because she hasn’t got a boyfriend. That would be a massive waste of time.

Instead, peruse the list of potential suitors below, and decide which one you would consider a worthy follow-up to that pouting Jesus character who recently made a run for it.

Madonna, take your pick.

You’re welcome.

Danny Dyer

If we’ve picked up any clues from Madonna’s marriages, it’s that she likes her men to be slightly violent (Sean Penn), and a little bit cockney (Guy Ritchie). Of course, at this point most people would claim that Guy Ritchie just pretends to be an East End barrow boy, whilst he’s actually a pipe smoking posho. But we shan’t be doing that. Instead, might we suggest that Madonna gives Danny Dyer a go? He actually is a filthy cockney bugger, and something about the way he appears affected by all manner of physical jerks and random facial ticks suggests that were you to surprise him with a sneeze, his impulsive reaction would be to punch you in the throat. Madonna would definitely be drawn to that kind of danger.

Britney Spears

These two have unfinished business. Remember the kiss they did that time? The one where Justin Timberlake sat in the audience with steam coming out of his ears, and the planet actually jolted slightly off orbit because the whole of China hid an erection in unison? Yeah, that was some hot stuff right there. With both girls in the midst of what’s known in the trade as “having a bit of a moment”, it might be time to get naked – all except for their matching red Kabbalah bracelets – and do whatever it is that women in love do when there’s no man involved in the mix. Probably just touch tongues and compare nails, we suspect.

Willem Defoe

No matter how good the actors are, you can’t fake on-screen chemistry. You’ve either got it, or you don’t… got it. And, sweet baby Moses, Madonna and Willem Defoe had so much chemistry in Body of Evidence that they could probably have manufactured some kind of sulphuric explosion just by glancing at one another. Him with the gargoyle-face, her biting his nips, and smearing bubbling handfuls of wax into his underpants – it was steamy. Had that coffee shop lady from When Harry Met Sally been in the bedroom while they were doing it, she’d have asked the waiter for what Madonna was having, not Meg Ryan. That’s how sexy it was. Really really sexy.

Eminem

Back in the 1990s, Madonna famously opted to craft a coffee table book of nude shots, accompanied by hand written pornographic details about exactly how she likes her love making to pan out. One such photograph featured the hardcore street rapper Robert Van Winkle (aka Vanilla Ice) cupping one of her bosoms, and saying something presumed to be rather revolting in her ear. Unfortunately, Vanilla probably lacks the necessary profile to pick up where the pair left off, so perhaps she might settle for a modern day re-enactment with his rightful heir, Eminem? Alternatively, she could wile away the evenings reliving the shot where she pops on a nipple-less outfit and attempts to remove hot toffee from her finger without using her hands? Her choice.

Nick Jonas

Of course, Madonna could just continue the trend of stepping out with increasingly younger men, following 23-year-old Jesus with one of the Jonas Sisters – of whom we’d recommend 17-year-old Nick. He’s a good God-fearing young man, that one, and exactly the kind of quivering virgin needed to add an extra coil to the spring in Madonna’s step. Once his nervous shrieking and relentless praying for forgiveness becomes too much, she can move effortlessly on, safe in the knowledge that at least one teenager will never again be able to hear the opening to Like a Virgin without immediately stress puking and falling into a temporary standing coma until it ends. Job done.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt, whose Interestment comedy nights are quickly becoming the stuff of legend.

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It’s becoming clear that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor of pop.

No, wait, that’s wrong. We meant to say that Eminem and Mariah Carey are the honking, toothless, meth-addicted, redneck, laundry-airing Jerry Springer guests of pop. Yes, that’s better.

So far, Eminem wrote a song about having sex with Mariah Carey, then Mariah Carey wrote a song calling Eminem obsessed, and now Eminem has written a song threatening to release voicemails and nude pictures of Mariah. Coming soon, Mariah says that Eminem runs like a girl and has fleas and wets the bed. IDST.

Not since Hilary Duff said something vaguely obtuse about Faye Dunaway’s age has a celebrity spat gripped the world like this. Mariah Carey (a woman who’s about to bring a new album out) and Eminem (a man who recently brought a new album out and has a bit-part in a new movie that just happens to be released in America today) are at each other’s throats.

It’s thrilling. Eminem and Mariah Carey don’t care any more. They don’t care if they hurt themselves, they don’t care if they hurt each other, they don’t care if all of this tedious bickering helps to mutually raise their profiles and spur on dramatic increases in the number of records that they both sell. It’s crazy – they’re literally out of control.

It all stems from the relationship that Eminem and Mariah Carey had back in 2001, during one of the brief windows where Mariah wasn’t having a mental breakdown and Eminem wasn’t busy divorcing and remarrying his wife. Eminem referred to the relationship in his song Bagpipes From Baghdad, which we haven’t heard because it’s got the words ‘bagpipes’ and ‘Baghdad’ in the title and therefore probably sounds like a goat having its diaphragm pummelled.

But anyway, whatever Eminem said in the song, it was enough to make Mariah Carey dress up as a man and call Eminem a liar in her new song, entitled Obsessed. And this, somewhat inevitably, has caused Eminem to write another song about Mariah Carey, The Warning, in which he variously:

* Threatens to release a number of intimate phonecalls and photographs from their time together

* Describes an encounter where he accidentally ejaculated onto Mariah Carey’s stomach

* Calls Mariah Carey an ‘alcoholic’, a ‘liar’ and a ‘whore’

* Inevitably opens the door for Mariah Carey to release yet another song about Eminem – possibly accompanied by a video where she’s dressed up as a monkey or a unicorn or something – that goes on and on and on and on and on and forces Emimen to write yet another poxy bloody song about her.

But we’ve teased you for long enough – here’s The Warning by Eminem…

Now, whoever you choose to side with here, it’s probably fair to say that neither Eminem or Mariah Carey comes out of this looking particularly good. If you ask us, there’s nothing more pathetic than when someone starts publicly insulting another figure for no other reason than to boost their own warped desire for attention.

Which reminds, us – that Robert Pattinson, eh? What an arsehole.

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Hecklerspray truly believes there will come a day when we’ll wake up and stand on a conveyor belt. First we’ll slide past the pee station, then we’ll brush our teeth, we’ll choose a daily gender and then we’ll probably eat some porridge that a robot made for us.

Perhaps the pee station should be after the gender changing one – it’d be more convenient that way if we’re too tired to pull down our pants after being girls the day before.

Until that day, everyone except Mariah Carey‘ll just have to live with what God or scalpel has given us.

M. Carey seems to be jumping on some kind of a bandwagon. After all – it was just last week or something that we found out Cher’s daughter was giving in to her life long battle of not having a penis.

Wait – you don’t even know what we’re talking about, do you? Well this is it – Mariah Carey is a man now. Temporarily. For a music video. It’s a dig at Eminem. The New York Daily News can delve out the specifics:

“This is not your everyday poseur Eminem wannabe – it’s Mariah Carey, who dressed as the controversial rapper while filming her new video “Obsessed” in New York today. You may recall that in Eminem’s “Bagpipes From Baghdad” song, he warns Carey’s husband, Nick Cannon, to “back the f— up.”"

We’re told that in order to keep a hormonal balance in the house, Nick Cannon is probably gonna start wearing sun dresses. He’s already got a decent collection, and now he feels he can break them out without causing as awkward a pause in the conversation. Imagine the freedom he’s probably feeling for the first time right now.

We’d just like to know how far Carey is willing to take this whole becoming-Eminem thing. We all know she’s been talking about him for long enough, but if she ever shows up to D12 band practice or divorces Kim Mathers 100 times, well that might just be too much for all to bare.

But we’re not saying we wouldn’t write about it.

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The MTV Movie Awards are fertile ground for hecklerspray-baiting tosh to do the rounds, though sometimes it is a bit like shooting fish in a barrel. From extreme close range. With a bazooka.

Nevertheless, the tween ceremony which has produced an average of one genuine laugh per every three years – not a bad statistic – has a new notch on the bedpost where they can proudly boast ‘we made a website that doesn’t like Robert Pattison laugh. A bit’.

Why? Well: Sacha Baron Cohen‘s gay Austrian fashion journalist creation, Bruno, landed half-naked in the lap of Marshall Mathers‘ gay-disliking American irritant/rapper, Eminem.

That’s a lot of bold.

While Americans are still to get really used to the fact that Cohen isn’t actually any of the men he claims to be, hard as it is to believe, the British have had his antics for a decade now and really aren’t too shocked any more with anything he does.

Which also means there isn’t any shock that events like this are staged. Because it’s an MTV event. They are actually an evil corporation and they want to stay on the good side of artists (using the term in a fashion so loose it simply doesn’t hold itself up without a belt).

What this means is that no, they probably didn’t spring this on Eminem. All the speculation that came after the event, which saw everyone’s favourite rappist teabagged by a genuinely funny man, was unnecessary.

The ‘revelation’ by Perez Hilton that he hears it was set up? Unnecessary.

The speculation on countless blogs and traditional news sites the world over as to the ballsack-to-face and how genuine it was? Unnecessary.

The posting of a story decrying all these people as fools on a reasonably popular, award-winning celebrity news blog? Unne… oh no, wait – necessary.

Hopefully our cutting wit and cynical take on the situation will force Baron Cohen to take things to the a new level for his next stunt – he can be a new David Blaine. Except with discernible talent, a personality and the ultimate saving grace of not being a massive prick.

But what could the new street magician of comedy do? Yes, as we’re so smart (and have run out of things to say), here’s a list:

1. Stage a coup at the next ‘youth’ award ceremony he is invited to, taking over from the main hosts and declaring the show as his own. This could possibly involve murder, cutlasses and Mark Thatcher, depending on how far Cohen wants to take it.

2. Take the humiliation of a popular celebrity angle up a notch by kidnapping one – say, Robert Pattison – keeping him locked in a cellar and frequently abusing and humiliating him over a period of months or years. He could even record it, if he’s feeling particularly fruity.

3. Destroy MTV, thus bringing about the end of the disgusting corporation and finally bringing about the fall of their dominion over the music you people listen to. This would thusly pave the way for a better society where people actually listen to good music. And not the fucking Jonas Brothers. In 3D.

This will probably be taken down by the time you see this, but still try and do a watch of Eminem getting teabagged by Bruno here.

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Remember when yappy-voiced rapper Eminem yelled at us to “lose yourself” in isn’t-life-tough-in-trailer-trash-rappy-land film 8 Mile?

Sorry if you were inspired at the time to put on some baggy trousers, spit some phat lyrics and mug a pensioner, because it turns out Eminem wasn’t just talking about losing yourself in the magic of urban music.

Four years after the film in question, Eminem is back and has revealed that he was in the grip of drug and alcohol addiction at the time. Lose yourself indeed, Nemmy! Perhaps you lost yourself after a night out on vodka and disco biscuits, forced to sell one of your blingin’ necklaces to a cab driver in exchange for a wide-eyed lift home? Or maybe you lost yourself in a bucket ‘o crack at a squat party. Either way, Eminem, this is all most disappointing.

You always seemed to focused, so individual and, most important of all, happy to fly in the face of celebrity and its conventions. A trip to la-la-drug land followed by a spell in rehab and then a magnificent, clean-living resurgence conveniently timed to coincide with the release of a new single/film/appearance in Celebrity Big Arse? That’s just too predictable, Marshall.

The pressures of being a staccato-voiced young rapper with millions in the bank and the world at your feet must be quite sizeable. That must be your excuse for your nosedive into whisky, wine and weed. After all, every other famous addict tells us the same thing. Why can’t anybody get successful without getting hooked – and more to the point, using their recovery as the reason why we should be interested in their latest career development?

Eminem is talented enough for us to listen to his rappity stylings without us having to listen to his ramblings on addiction. Unfortunately, his talent for lyrics is not echoed in a talent for not sounding like a twat in interviews about his drugs hell. Witness this comment from a recent BBC interview: “I was like Bugs Bunny in rehab, Bugs Bunny walking in the room.”

Yes, dear. We’ve all thought that we were someone else once under the influence. There was this one time at uni when I ate too many space cakes and meowed like a cat for an hour. But I don’t tell anybody about it now because I don’t think it would help my career. So why should it help yours?

This was a guest blog by comedienne and all-around good egg Louise Scodie. Discover more about her inherent greatness here.

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10 – So now we know why onions make you cry – Welovevegetables

9 - Do you have £500 and are insultingly stupid? Then why not buy this – Domesticsluttery

8 - A very good site that you should all read – Thewaterboarder

7 - The ugliest mobile phones of all time! – PCWorld.

6 – Intense-looking table tennis players. You’re welcome – Bestweekever

5 – A breathtaking array of songs that sound like other songs – PopEater

4 - A rather wonderful alternative celebrity richlist – Scumbagmillionaire

3 – Eminem‘s still doing that ‘one happy song/ one sad song’ shtick, then – Popsugar

2 - Duelling banjos with handfarts. Yes, you read that correctly - Gorillamask

1 – Wolverine in a minute and a bit. Better than the real film, because it’s shorter…

10 - Seven superpowers ruined by science – Cracked

9 – Watch this video. Pause it at the 15 second mark. Try and predict what happens next. You will fail – I Am Bored

8 - Here’s a list of all the reasons why Eminem’s comeback witll fail – Independent

7 - Because it’s been vaguely sunny for about 30 seconds, here’s a recipe for a kickass Strawberry Daiquiri – Domesticsluttery

6 - Looks like Amy Winehouse is officially rubbish now – Welt

5 – Here’s a song that was banned from Family Guy, which you might enjoy if you like Family Guy – EJB

4 – DRUNK GORILLA! – Dailymail

3 - Some videogame characters with undiagnosed medical conditions – Cracked

2 - 12 photos of hateful drunkards – Sloshspot

1 - Just to ease your redesign anxiety, here’s something timeless – Lindsay Lohan acting like a knob…

Here’s a guest blog by Josh out of Interestment…

Contrary to what your destroyed and embittered careers advisor screamed into your face – flecks of saliva spattering your cheeks – becoming an actor isn’t just a hobby, it’s a job.

Just look what happens when non-actors like Britney Spears, Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston give it a bash – they ruin films. Completely ruin them.

And yet, while those three were totally rubbish, every once in a while a marvelous young pop star will come along and blow our minds. Here are four great singers/actors…

1. Prince, Purple Rain

2. Eminem, 8 Mile

Stealing ever so slightly from Purple Rain, Eminem goes about proving to the competitive hip hop world that he’s got what it takes to win rap battles in small clubs in Detroit. Along the way he gets up to all kinds of mischief with his buddies – one of whom was the doctor in ER. And he has some mind-blowing sex with Brittany Murphy, who was presumably cast because she looks exactly like a prostitute. The scene at the end where he makes the middle-class rapper look like a ninny is the stuff dreams are made of. Eminem has never been so excellent.

3. Tina Turner, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome

Before he became drunk with power, Mel Gibson starred in some great films, and this is one of them. Not only does it find the Australian at the top of his game, but it also finds Tina Turner on amazing form as Aunty Entity, a mean-spirited woman who is making hay in the apocalyptic sunshine. Not only does the singer – whose voice is like a packet of gravel, by the way – put in the performance of her damn life, but she also provides a moving soundtrack. Excellent.

4. Ice T, New Jack City

You probably know Ice T for his biting rap lyrics, and gangster posturing. But in 1991, he wowed the entire planet by taking the role of a big city cop with street smarts in this tale of drugs and Judd Nelson. Only a few short minutes into the film, and the power of Ice’s acting allowed him to morph effortlessly into the character of Detective Scotty Appleton. Some say that they couldn’t tell where Ice ended and Scotty began. Powerful stuff.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment. Hot damn that’s a good website!

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You've probably seen trailers for Jumper – the new dimension-leaping movie starring Darth Vader and Billy Elliot – and you've probably decided not to go and see it because it looks hopeless.

But ask yourself this: would you have gone to see Jumper if the Hayden Christensen role was played by Eminem?

No. No you probably wouldn't. But that didn't stop Eminem from having discussions with director Doug Liman about starring as the lead in Jumper in the preproduction stages. Although it's impossible to tell what Jumper would have been like if it had Eminem in it, we're guessing that it probably would have been reset in Detroit and been about a plucky wannabe rapper instead of Darth Vader driving buses through a desert.

You may have wondered what Eminem has been doing these last few years, apart from eating all the pies and nearly dying of pneumonia, but the secret is finally out.

Eminem has been busy not quite starring in a bunch of rubbish-looking films.

The proof is there for all to see – first Eminem was linked to a remake of Have Gun Will Travel that thankfully didn't get made, and then just the other week there was talk of Eminem almost making a Grand Theft Auto movie. But if the thought of those haven't sent you quivering into a corner, it turns out that Eminem almost starred in new movie Jumper.

Oh, you know. Jumper. The movie that'll probably scrape a weekend box office number one spot in a couple of days because it's a pre-Oscar movie that isn't about the war in Iraq or one woman's soul-searching quest to find her identity in preindustrial-era Stuttgart. The movie where Samuel L Jackson leaps through time after a bus-driving Billy Elliot. The movie that looks about as appealing as two hours spent thwacking bamboo rods under your fingernails with a hammer.

Anyway, yeah. Eminem was almost going to be in that, as MTV reports:

"We did have a meeting," writer/director Doug Liman confirmed this week, confessing that surly hip-hop superstar Marshall Mathers was once in talks for the starring role. "We did have conversations with Eminem." When the director considered [Hayden] Christensen more seriously, however, the Eminem flirtation vanished as quickly as David Rice jumping between Egypt and New York. "At that point, I had already met Hayden and had fallen in love with Hayden," he recalled. "It was one of those things where the studio, with all things being equal, would rather put a bigger name in the movie [and wanted Eminem]. At some point, I just put my foot down and said, 'I love Hayden.'"

Weird. We didn't think that Hayden Christensen had it in him to inspire love in others. Or anything other than a vague sense of irritation, come to think of it.

It's odd that Doug Liman is selling Jumper on the basis that it almost starred someone but didn't. Perhaps – and this is just a theory – Liman has read some of the early stinging Jumper reviews and opted to take the tactic of saying "If you think Jumper's bad now, just imagine how useless it'd be if Eminem was in it!" just to try and get people to say one positive thing about it.

And as for Eminem, only time will tell what other movies he didn't get round to making. Although we do hear that he was up for Keira Knightley's role in Atonement, but just lost out because he looked a bit silly in a damp nightie.

Read more:

Eminem Almost Had Hayden Christensen's Role In 'Jumper' - MTV