Oh, and a boozy tit. Allegedly. Sam Shepard – from films like Black Hawk Down and Baby Boom – has been arrested on suspicion of speeding and driving drunk in Illinois. And that’s more or less all there is to the story.

Except that Sam Shepard now has something else to put on his CV alongside acting, directing, being a prize-winning writer and getting arrested on suspicion of DUI – his mugshots also make him look like Gordon Ramsay’s homeless uncle. That’s something to be proud of.

Reading through Sam Shepard’s list of accomplishments makes him sort of seem a little bit like Forrest Gump. A really angry Forrest Gump. He always seems to be involved in what’s going on – he was a drummer in a band that was on the Easy Rider soundtrack. He won the Pulitzer Prize for his 1979 play Buried Child. He wrote Paris, Texas for Wim Wenders. He’s an Oscar-nominated actor. He played the banjo on Patti Smith’s cover of Smells Like Teen Spirit. It’s almost exactly like Forrest Gump, a film that we admittedly haven’t watched for several years and can barely remember.

However, there is one difference between Sam Shepard and Forrest Gump – where Forrest Gump ended with Forrest running everywhere as fast as he could, the last few moments of Sam Shepard’s life have seen him allegedly getting tanked up on twice the legal amount of booze and driving around as fast as possible until he was arrested for it, at which point someone took of a photo of him where his hair looked a bit mad.

What else is there to this Sam Shepard DUI story? Embarrassingly little, to be honest. The Boston Herald reports:

Police Lt. Mark Kotte says officers stopped Shepard early Saturday in the central Illinois town of Normal. Kotte says the 65-year-old Shepard was driving 16 mph over the 30 mph speed limit. Kotte says a breath test indicated Shepard’s blood-alcohol level was double the legal limit… A man who answered the jail phone said he did not know the amount of bail.

It’s like Sam Shepard is daring us to find something even vaguely interesting in this story, isn’t it? Yes, he was apparently speeding, but only slightly. Yes, he was drunk, but it’s not as if he started raging at the police about how much he hates the Jews. People care so little about Sam Shepard’s DUI arrest that nobody even bothered to ask the man who answered the phone at the jail he was kept in who he was. He even did it all in a town called Normal, for crying out loud. Sam Shepard’s fiendish, we’ll give him that.

Still, at least now he’s been arrested on suspicion of DUI, Sam Shepard can continue his slow transformation into Paris Hilton. Next thing you know, Sam Shepard will be falling out of cars in a miniskirt with no underwear on, then he’ll start hosting a reality show called Sam Shepard’s My New BFF, where he’ll audition a gaggle of clueless fame-hungry numpties to see who’ll be his best friend, all the while muttering “I co-wrote Brownsville Girl with Bob Dylan, for God’s sake. Where did my life go so very wrong?”

Well we’d watch it.

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Yeah, that sounds about right. Well now it would seem she’s got herself into MMA – that’s mixed martial arts – with some hardcore street fighting action. Well, hardcore may be a bit far, but Lily Allen did go and try to beat up a random French girl for insulting her.

And we shouldn’t forget that she also managed to swear like a navvie, and she managed to do all of this in front of about 32,000 paparazzi and other press hounds. Not a bad effort, we have to say. But to top off all the topping offs that could be topped off, there’s a video too – and it’s after the jump.

Yes, we thought we’d managed to get rid of her to our good friends in the US, but it would seem we’ve struck out in that respect and Lily remains firmly on British soil.

Exiting Ronnie Scott’s jazz club in London, Lily was apparently abused by a French passer-by, which caused her to react in a way befitting of any Brit taking issue with a Frenchie: through the art of violence.

Unfortunately, the battering took on something of a pathetic form and was easily upstaged by Allen’s hilarious foul mouth, which managed to put even the great swear-machine Brian Blessed to shame.

While it would appear Lily Allen isn’t taking her own advice, at least it looks like she is following through with her attempted crusade to rid the streets of violence. Though we didn’t expect her to get rid of it personally, nor did we expect her to get rid of violence with violence.

But we’re not questioning her logic – we don’t want to be battered, for one.

Rather than natter on any more, why don’t we just let you see for yourselves – here we have Lily Allen, attempting to punch a French girl, failing, swearing a lot and being calmed down by Miquita Oliver who used to be on Popworld.

It really does have it all – tension, violence, beauty, international appeal, a resolution and a lesson at the end of it all: “violence is bad.”

(Alright, so we’ll admit that video’s a bit rubbish, but it’s better than most of the other ones around and we couldn’t embed the one that The Sun has up – but hey, at least you can hear her swearing like a disgruntled navvie, eh?)

Because we like Lindsay Lohan – how could we not? She’s given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage to spew. It’s hard to be really very mad at an old friend.

But it wouldn’t seem that hard for Lindsay’s ‘born-again Christian ex-convict of an absentee father’ (copyright Stuart Heritage 2008), Michael Lohan, to give up on his own flesh and blood for mere ‘religious’ reasons. Big Mike has decided he can’t walk his daughter down the aisle should her rumoured gay wedding come to fruition, as it would go against his born-again Christianity belief system.

You’ve got to love religion. Especially when it’s one that you’ve been turned on to about four minutes ago. Whereas your daughter has been around for most of her life. Can’t argue with the man’s priorities, we suppose.

Michael Lohan has said from the very beginning that he would be fine if young Lindsay were to come out publicly as a lesbian, though that is pretty much a given. When you have a daughter that whores herself off to every man in the world (give or take a few billion), gets boozed up on booze every two minutes and possibly has a sex tape where she’s all naked and stuff, well – there’s a lot he’s had to put up with through the years.

Plus we hear Christians are good at that forgiveness lark, so she’s onto a winner there.

But no, it would seem simply walking his daughter a few steps towards her wedding ceremony would prove too much for daddio. Talking to The Scoop, who happened to be listening for some reason, Michael said this collection of words:

“I haven’t heard anything [about an upcoming wedding] from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my Christian faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

But it’s not all doom and gloom from the big Negative Nancy, who still supports his daughter’s choices in life. Even if he acts like he doesn’t, then tries to put any family members or possible family members through the wringer for his own nefarious ways. Michael Lohan went on to say, most likely continuing by using his mouth:

“I want her to be happy and healthy and stay on the right path. If I discuss her relationship, I say that I want her to be happy.”

It would appear to be pretty clean cut and straightforward for once in the world of the Lohans – she is apparently having a gay wedding, he sees this as being against his beliefs so does not wish to be involved. Fair enough.

But when is he going to admit that the real reason he doesn’t want to walk Lindsay down the aisle is because of what is waiting at the end? Frankly, even hecklerspray would be afraid of the sight of Sam Ronson standing at the other side of a room, looking at you as you slowly approach. She’s even worse when she’s wearing those bloody hats – it’s downright menacing.

No – Morgan Freeman is the latest to be involved in the so-called ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, after he was involved in a car accident on Sunday night, which officials referred to as ’serious’.

The 71-year-old actor will require surgery on a shattered elbow, as well as time for other less serious injuries to his neck and shoulder to heal. While initial reports said Freeman was in a serious state, these have since rescinded and he is expected to make a comfortable, if slow, recovery from his injuries.

Morgan was travelling with an unnamed female companion when the crash occurred. Travelling eastbound on Highway 32, Tallahatchie Country, Mississippi, their car flipped several times before coming to rest. The name of the female passenger has not been released, but she is said to have suffered bruises as a result of the crash. The jaws of life were used to good effect and Freeman was airlifted around 90 miles for hospital treatment. He was upgraded from critical to serious condition, and more recent reports have left the actor with an even more positive prognosis.

Fortunately, both drugs and alcohol have been ruled out of the running for what caused the accident, meaning we don’t have to put up with another was-he wasn’t-he situation like young Shiny the Beef has had to contend with in recent weeks. Nor do we have to put up with possible insanity, like we did all those years back with Melvin. Obviously the wily old veteran that is Morgan Freeman would never be brash enough to take part in such an obviously stupid pursuit as driving under the influence.

Those young whippersnappers could learn a thing or three from God Himself.

But it would seem that the lord almighty can’t save himself from the ‘curse’ of The Dark Knight, which wild speculators (hello!) are claiming is the cause of Heath Ledger’s death and Christian Bale’s descent into alleged assault.

Now, let’s be honest here – Ledger’s death was a sad thing, unexpected and unwarranted. Bale’s case may have been his own fault, he may have been coaxed into it. Freeman’s crash is believed to have been as a result of falling asleep at the wheel, swerving and overcompensating. If this is a real curse then it’s a bit rubbish – none of your plagues on the family, eight arms on the first-born or evil gremlins turning up and wrecking your place up.

No, it’s an accidental overdose, some alleged shenanigans and an old man falling asleep at the wheel. These curse-makers really should go back to the drawing board and think up some new cursey goodness – or just stick with the classics. Doesn’t the bible have some good ones? Morgan Freeman should know about that, he is God after all.

Hecklerspray is sending you more get well beams through the internets, Morgan. Also some extra beams to help make sure the rubbish ‘curse’ doesn’t strike again. We have these kind of powers, you see.

But don’t expect it to show up in the finished movie, because Shia LaBeouf knackered his hand up something rotten in the drunken car crash that he was arrested for this weekend, and it’s ruled him out of any embroidery action – complex or otherwise – for the foreseeable.

Thanks to the extensive hand surgery he’s received in light of the crash, Shia LaBeouf is taking a month away from the production Transformers 2 to recover. But after that, the injuries won’t affect any of Shia LaBeouf’s other upcoming films, like The Spectacular Adventures Of Deformed Claw-Boy and Butchered Useless Finger-Stump: The Musical. Phew.

We’ve had our doubts in the past, but now we’re completely certain that humanity is ruled by an almighty God figure. Just look at Shia LaBeouf, for example. Shia’s been arrested on suspicion of drunkenly flipping his truck after a night out in Hollywood; a misdemeanor charge that’ll probably see him slapped on the wrists and sent home. But God has a far scarier punishment in mind for Shia.

You see, Shia LaBeouf is currently filming Transformers 2 with world’s sexiest woman Megan Fox. So God made sure that Shia LaBeouf’s hand was ruined in the crash, thereby disabling Shia’s ability to rush off to his trailer and masturbate frantically over the mental image of Megan Fox in little tiny hotpants. For, lo, he is a vengeful God.

Anyway, the point is that Shia LaBeouf mangled his hand up horribly in his drunken car crash and, although he’s received extensive surgery to get it back to normal, the injuries have effectively handed Shia a sicknote to keep him away from the Transformers 2 set for a month. The New York Daily News reports:

His reps say he’ll that much time to heal the mangled mitt he received when his truck smashed into another vehicle and rolled across a West Hollywood intersection around 2:30 a.m. Sunday. “Shia is currently recovering from extensive hand surgery with plans to return to work on the set of Transformers 2 within one month,” a statement from LaBeouf’s publicist and lawyers said.

This is yet another setback for the production of Transformers 2. Not only has Shia LaBeouf’s arrest and surgery jeopardised the future of the movie, but it was recently reported that Megan Fox wasn’t fat enough for her role either. Also, Grimlock is refusing to come out of his trailer because he thinks that Scorponok is getting preferential treatment and, oh, it’s a nightmare. Thank heavens for John Turturro, that’s all we can say. That man is a rock.

But Shia LaBeouf’s layoff has deeper implications for Transformers 2, though, because the time off might cause him to slip out of character somewhat. It takes months of preparation to play a generic teen who hangs around giant incontinent robots who speak in a slightly offensive variation of Ebonics. Remember that.

So no wonder Ronnie Wood has decided to check into rehab. After flying back to apologise for his exploits to his long-suffering wife, Ronnie has checked into a clinic to beat his drinking problem once and for all.

It sounds like a great idea, except that Ronnie Wood went to rehab to beat his drinking problem once and for all last month too, and that just made him run off to Ireland to get drunk with an unusually young Russian girl that he met in a sex club. So rehab is a brave move, because if the pattern holds he’ll be mainlining heroin with a three-year-old Serbian toddler by the end of the month.

The 12-step alcohol recovery process is a long and complex procedure that requires dedication and mental strength. This is something that Ronnie Wood knows only too well, because he’s just checked in for what’s believed to be his eleventh stint in rehab.

It doesn’t take a genius to work out why – for a week newspapers have been full of stories about Ronnie Wood’s boozy jaunt to Ireland with 20-year-old Russian cocktail waitress Ekaterina Ivanova, much to the alarm of his wife and kids.

Apparently Ronnie Wood was knocking back two bottles of vodka a day during this time, which sounds like a dangerous quantity but is actually just the right amount to calm Ronnie’s nerves after he catches a glimpse of his own terrifyingly gaunt vulture face poking out from under his godawful haircut in the mirror.

Anyway, Ronnie’s son Jesse recently flew out to Ireland to persuade his dad to see sense, and it seems like it’s worked – not only has Ronnie Wood vowed to save his marriage but he’s also checked into rehab for good, as The Independent reports:

In a statement, Wood’s spokeswoman said the rocker was being helped by those closest to him in an attempt to end his alcoholism once and for all. She added: “Following Ronnie’s continued battle with alcohol, he has entered a period of rehab. His close family and friends say he is seeking help and look forward to his recovery.”

While Ronnie Wood is in rehab he’ll also be treated for his addiction to Russian sex club waitresses young enough to be his granddaughter. It’s unknown what form this treatment will take, although it’s assumed that it’ll partially involves being strapped to a chair Clockwork Orange-style while library footage of the 1984 Soviet Olympic female track and field squad’s warm-up routine is beamed into his eyes in horrifying slow motion.

There’s a good chance that, finally, this shot at rehab will stick for Ronnie Wood and he’ll manage to live the rest of his life in a perfectly sober state. It’s unlikely, though, isn’t it? They say that you have to hit rock bottom before you have any hope of recovering, and spending a week in bed with a pretty Russian girl who’s probably good at sex to a professional degree hardly sounds like rock bottom.

Fingers crossed that next time Ronnie Wood runs off to spend a week in bed with someone it’s Jodie Marsh. That’d be rock bottom enough for anyone. It might be Ronnie’s only hope, in fact.

We’d do anything to help you out. Say you thought some Russian military types had tampered with your food; we’d be there to help you. Sure, we’d be putting our own life at risk as we gingerly slurped your tomato soup, but we love you and would never turn down your request.

However, there are some factors that we can’t control: famine, Bono, global warming and hay fever (oh dear God the hay fever). At first the problem is confined to one area, but it then slowly spreads around the world. Look at Bono – Ireland suffered for so long until he was unleashed to the world.

Now it’s England’s turn to unleash one of their ropiest creations, this time on an unsuspecting America. Lily Allen has been granted a visa. Batten down the hatches, quick!

Lily’s cheeky chirpy cockney songs have never been off radio and TV stations in England. Most of the time it’s a lucky dip to see if Smile or LDN is going to be played next. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t every ten minutes or so.

But then, would the public like to hear a makeshift hecklerspray band doing a freestyle jam on a few metal cans and coat hangers? No, probably not.

In-between writing and recording her second album, Lily has been doing other stuff as well. You see, she’s not like the other one dimensional singers without a soul or conscience. She can do more than pout and attempt to look sexy – Lily can present too! Well, that’s what BBC 3 believes anyway.

Some genius came up with the Lily Allen and Friends show. A programme where a few celebrity people come on to plug a TV show or product they’re involved with.

In-between all of the ker-azy chat comes the part of the show that makes up about 89% of the content, the always reliable feature: “clips from the internet showcasing wacky people which means I can sit on my arse and do fuck all for a bit,” used every week. Honestly, we’d never seen the Chocolate Rain man before. We are so thankful. The show really is worth the license fee alone to watch TV content which comes from YouTube.

For some time now, Lily’s wild child antics have seen her banned from America. Having the odd drink doesn’t seem to be a popular thing with Uncle Sam and her persistent drunken nights out haven’t helped. For a long time she’s been banned from the land of obesity and Maury. Now Magazine reports:

“Lily had to have her pee regularly checked and then blood tests on top to prove she wasn’t on drugs before the US government would give her a working visa.”

We just feel sorry for the poor sod that had to check her piss. How this was done we aren’t sure, but we’re willing to bet it was all down to the texture and aroma of the urine. But that doesn’t matter now; she’s got the visa, and she was reported as feeling:

“Chuffed.”

Though we would like to remind US visa officials of her odd antics at last week’s Glamour awards. She clearly wasn’t sticking to tap water or lemonade during the ceremony and looked slightly worse for wear. This will probably scare the shit out of the people who gave her legal permission to visit America.

Have fun with her in the USA. And don’t feel inclined to send her back anytime soon.

Who had bets on Lily Allen for this week? Odds were vastly in favor of another Amy Winehouse meltdown, but when Lily Allen showed up at the Glamour Magazine awards with bright pink hair and that glistening, boozy glow, she quickly became the hammered, career plummeting favourite.

And sure not to disappoint, we can all enjoy Lily Allen’s victory speech, also known as the morning after regretful blog entry.

Lily Allen’s appearance at the Glamour Magazine Awards in London earlier this week confirmed that if anything is constant in this world, it’s that celebrities will continued to get hammered in public and have to be carried off by some burly bodyguard, or something.

Lily Allen arrived at the awards with hot pink hair and accepted a special award from the editor for her ‘multi-faceted’ career.

So, according to the editor of Glamour magazine, the many facets of Lily Allen’s career that merit awarding are a crap TV show, being pregnant, not being allowed into America even though the words on the Statue of Liberty say they’ll take all the people no one else wants, not being pregnant anymore, and belting out a song here and there.

Sometime after accepting her award for having lots of facets and stuff, Lily Allen had to be carried out of the party after having a few too many drinks. It’s okay, though. She’s real sorry about it. Honest, you can officially read about it on her official MySpace blog. She officially writes:

“… I’m putting my hands up, I got very drunk last night, too drunk. It’s not cool getting that drunk. Kids, drink responsibly or you’ll end up looking like this, not pretty!”

That’s right, kids. You drink too much and you’ll end up looking like Lily Allen. Maybe Lily Allen’s parents drank too much and that’s how Lily Allen ended up looking like Lily Allen. Yikes. That’s enough to frighten anyone into sobriety.

Today’s word: depressed. Adjective.

1. Sad, gloomy; dejected; downcast.

2. Being or measured below the standard or norm.

3. The reason you say you went to rehab, but everyone probably knows you’re a bit of a drunkard because there’s always loads of pictures of you stumbling out of clubs and parties pretty trashed.

Now, try to apply the correct definition to the following statement: Kirsten Dunst has publicly announced that her recent trip to rehab was because she was depressed.

And yes, the correct answer is ‘all of the above’.

Okay, okay. We’ve all had our share of good times poking fun at, well, everything to be perfectly honest, but right now we mean in regards to Kirsten Dunst. Not just about Kirsten Dunst being annoying and willowy and make you long for fingernails being dragged slowly across a chalkboard as opposed to enduring her movie roles, but also about catching the packed celebrity charter bus to rehab at Cirque Lodge in Utah back in February of this year.

But it’s time to stop calling Kirsten Drunk a dunst…or Kirsten Dunst a drunk, or whatever, okay? She didn’t go there because she was addicted alcohol or drugs, or anything. She went there because she was depressed. A sellout/source close to Kirsten had this to say to People:

“She does drink and she does have wild nights, but that was never the root of her issues. She couldn’t control her depression.”

Hey, we can’t say that we blame Kirsten. The woman did have to kiss perpetually semi-pubescent Tobey Maguire in those Spider-Man movies. Jeesh, that has us reaching for the Prozac just thinking about it. But let’s look at Kirsten’s personal statement on the issue as told to E! Online:

“I was struggling, and I had the opportunity to go somewhere and take care of myself. I was fortunate to have the resources to do it… Now that I’m feeling stronger, I was prepared to say something … Depression is pretty serious and should not be gossiped about.”

Not to be gossiped about. Whoops. Looks like we blew that one right nice, now didn’t we.

But, hey, threatening a man with prison for being a terrible father tends to make people snap to attention. Which is why Richie Sambora has pleaded guilty to DUI after police arrested him for swerving about the highway like a pissed-up ninny.

And, thanks to the magic of the plea deal, Richie Sambora’s sudden bout of guilt means that he’s got away with three years probation instead of a jail sentence. It’s a win-win for all involved – lessons have been learned, the crowded prison system gets one inmate less to deal with and Richie Sambora’s daughter gets three solid years of ostentatious presents from her father as he attempts to buy back her love after he drove around with her while drunk. Heartwarming.

It’s no wonder that Richie Sambora has alcohol issues – if we had to listen to Bad Medicine night after night we’d have turned to the bottle long ago too, and he has to actually play the bloody thing – but there’s a comes a time in every man’s life when they stop being the kind of fun drunk who’ll wake up on the kitchen floor and can’t remember why they’re dressed as an Iranian prostitute and become the sort of drunk who’ll drive around hammered with their 10-year-old daughter in the passenger seat.

And for Richie Sambora, that time came last month. Richie Sambora was arrested for DUI on the Pacific Coast Highway after police noticed his Hummer swerving from lane to lane. That’s bad enough as it is, but throw in the fact that Richie Sambora’s daughter and another girl were passengers in the car and ‘bad’ instantly becomes ‘vastly mornic’.

As a result of the arrest. prosecutors wanted to haul Richie Sambora up on a child endangerment charge. However, thanks to insufficient evidence, they just had to make do with plain old DUI – something that Richie Sambora’s only too happy to admit. And now Sambora’s been sentenced for it, as BBC News reports:

Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora has been sentenced to three years’ probation after admitting to driving under the influence of alcohol. The 48-year-old pleaded no contest, prompting the judge in Santa Ana, California to drop a second charge. Sambora, who was not at the court hearing, will also have to attend first offender alcohol awareness classes… Sambora is forbidden from having any measurable quantity of alcohol in his system while driving as a condition of his probation.

So Richie Sambora, who just admitted to driving while drunk, can’t drive drunk any more? What a novel punishment. Still, at least it’s only for three years, after which we can presume that Richie Sambora is free to get shitfaced on whatever he likes right before he goes for a pootle.

However, Richie Sambora’s real punishment will be having to live with the fact that he drove drunk with his daughter in the car – one of the stupidest things a parent can do. That’s penalty enough for any man.

Plus, now Richie Sambora has avoided jail, which is good because it means that Bon Jovi are free to tour the world and record new albums and… hang on a minute, that isn’t good at all. That’s literally the worst outcome possible. Arse.

Read more:

Drink-drive sentence for Sambora - BBC

It’s a possibility if recent reports suggesting that Lindsay Lohan is back drinking again are to be believed. According to several sources, Lindsay Lohan was seen out in New York last weekend necking cocktails, smoking cigarettes and screeching at one of the Olsen twins to stay away from her ‘girlfriend’ Samantha Ronson.

Oh Lindsay, it’s so good to have you back. Your cocaine-filled trousers are pressed and waiting for you, and Calum Best has his camera phone primed in case you want to perform any more sex acts on him. Remember – you’re a celebrity, so you can do whatever the fuck you want.

A sober Lindsay Lohan isn’t exactly boring – unless you count naked photoshoots, alleged sex tapes and endless oblivious conversations about herself boring, of course – but she’s really not a patch on hammered Lindsay Lohan.

You know, the Lindsay Lohan who’ll collapse on film sets. The Lindsay Lohan who spends her entire life in rehab. The Lindsay Lohan who’s basically completely uninsurable and therefore unlikely to ever be taken seriously as an actress again. She’s brilliant.

And, what’s more, she’s back. It’s been reported that Lindsay Lohan was seen falling off the wagon to spectacular effect in New York on Friday night, and this time we’re told that her drunken antics involved yelling “Get your 15-year-old ‘Full House’ ass away from my girlfriend,” at one of the Olsen sisters. According to People:

The actress – who completed a stint in Cirque Lodge rehab last September – is raising eyebrows again after she was spotted on Saturday drinking Grey Goose and Red Bull cocktails at a party deejayed by pal Samantha Ronson. Lohan, 21, smoked cigarettes, chatted with friends and hit the dance floor at Hawaiian Tropic Zone in New York as Ronson spun tunes until 4 a.m.

Samantha Ronson, by the way, is the woman who sparked Lindsay Lohan’s ‘girlfriend’ rant. Over to Page Six:

Saturday, Lohan said Ronson “was ignoring her” and became upset. “Samantha was really focused on her work and didn’t leave the booth for anything,” said our spy. Lindsay is so into her pal, she’s even created a Facebook profile under “Lindsay Ronson.”

Lindsay Ronson? Really? Isn’t that the sort of thing that twelve-year-old girls write on their schoolbooks when they like a boy? We can’t see this Samantha Ronson infatuation lasting with Lindsay Lohan, though – notice the Facebook name is ‘Lindsay Ronson’ and not ‘Lindsay Ronson IDST 4 EVA’.

Anyway, this isn’t the first time that Lindsay Lohan has an alcoholic relapse – back in January she was filmed swigging out of a champagne bottle, an incident which caused her to immediately seek help again. Maybe the same thing will happen now that Lindsay’s started to drink again.

Anyway, if a bit of booze means that Lindsay Lohan’s Year Of Sex now includes women as well as men, then so be it. Let’s just hope that she doesn’t go near the drugs again, because with men and women struck off the sex list, that basically just leaves animals. Those poor, poor animals.

Read more:

Is Lindsay Lohan Going Back to Her Old Ways? – People

Sam’s All Hers – Page Six

And although Sandra Bullock probably still has trouble sleeping after Saturday night’s accident, because every time she closes her eyes she’s presented with the terrifying vision of a tipsy lady manoeuvring her car towards her very slowly indeed, she’s not letting the shunt affect her work schedule. Truly the woman deserves a medal.

Sandra Bullock has refused to let her 20mph not-really death-smash get in the way of her new movie The Proposal, a warning if there ever was one that not even irresponsible drivers can stop Sandra Bullock from making identical romantic comedies that you can accurately guess the ending to just by reading their titles. Better luck next time, dangerous boozehounds.

If we were Sandra Bullock then a) we’d have locked ourselves in the cellar after the release of Practical Magic and hidden there until we’d been promised that all copies of it had been destroyed, and b) we’d probably investigate local public transport routes a little more thoroughly.

Cars, you see, are a massive problem for Sandra Bullock. If she steps outside her house then a crazy stalker will try to run her husband over in one, and if she actually ever gets to drive one then that’s a recipe for disaster as well.

As you probably know, on Saturday night Sandra Bullock got into a car accident with a drunk woman who almost killed everyone by gently bumping into the side of Sandra Bullock’s car at 20mph.

We can’t help thinking that in many ways Sandra Bullock was asking for it, you know – films of hers include Crash and Speed, and if that isn’t a direct challenge to destiny, then we don’t know what is. Similarly, in the future Sandra Bullock should also be careful of lake houses, nets, demolition men and ya-ya sisterhoods, because they’re all probably out to get her as well.

But that’s beside the point – Sandra Bullock was in quite a lame car crash, but it won’t halt the filming of her new movie The Proposal, according to The Boston Herald:

Producers haven’t hit the brakes on shooting Sandra Bullock’s upcoming comedy “The Proposal” despite the actress’ frightening head-on “Crash” Saturday night in Gloucester with an alleged drunken driver. “She hasn’t been hurt so there’s no reason why they wouldn’t (continue filming),” the flick’s flack, Scott Levine, told the Track yesterday.

We think we speak for everyone here when we say thank heavens for that. It’s been far too long since a girl has guilted us into watching a piss-weak, utterly formulaic Sandra Bullock romantic comedy that’s nothing more than a cynical retread of the last piss-weak, utterly formulaic Sandra Bullock romantic comedy at the cinema.

Oh, how we’ve missed paying eight pounds to sit on a sticky cinema seat for a couple of hours watching an oddly-nosed woman grinding through the motions of a role she’s already played about 75 times in the past while we get more and more annoyed because we’ve realised that we could have spent those two hours doing something more productive like helping out in the local community, bettering ourselves through classical literature or staring listlessly at a single patch of carpet and scratching our balls.

So thank heavens. And thank you, alleged drunk driver, for not driving any faster than you did. But most of all, thank you Sandra Bullock for not even getting a tiny bit of bloody whiplash in your stupid neck or anything.

Read more:

Full Speed ahead for Bullock film – BH

But not any more – not since Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora was arrested for driving his Hummer around Laguna Beach all shitfaced with his 10-year-old daughter in the passenger seat.

Unsurprisingly the police have taken a rather dim view to it all, and have recommended that prosecutors go all out to hit him with a misdemeanor child endangerment charge. But, really, whatever criminal charges may or may not be be brought against him, Richie Sambora will have to live with the emotional upset that comes with knowing that he endangered the life of his daughter in a moment of stupidity. And, on top of the emotional upset he’s already got from being in a really rubbish band, that’s going to be quite a lot of upset.

Between his terrible mullety haircut, his propensity for getting hammered, his awful band and his role in Earth’s stupidest-ever love triangle, Richie Sambora has enough on his plate at the moment. With so many conflicting desires, it’s no surprise that Richie ended up taking the easy way out.

Actually, that’s a lie. Getting arrested on suspicion of drunk driving while your daughter is in the car isn’t actually all that easy at all – you have to get drunk, find your car keys, round up your 10-year-old daughter, convince her that taking a ride with her obviously drunk father is a good thing to do, focus on the road long enough to pull out of the drive and then somehow manage to catch the attention of the police, all before the booze wears off – but you catch our drift.

And that’s what Richie Sambora managed to do recently. At the end of last month, Richie Sambora was arrested on suspicion of DUI with his daughter as a passenger. Richie still hasn’t been charged with anything yet, but the police seem pretty hell-bent on making the whole ‘child endangerment’ thing as official as possible. The San Francisco Chronicle reports:

Bon Jovi star Richie Sambora will be charged with misdemeanor DUI and child endangerment, if police officials get their way. The rocker’s daughter and her cousin were passengers in his vehicle when Sambora was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving last month, and police want prosecutors to get tough with him.

If it turns out that Richie Sambora really was driving drunk with his daughter in tow, then he probably deserves whatever charges can be hurled at him. Drunkenly smash your car into a tree and die, shame on you. Drunkenly smash your car into a tree drunk and kill your daughter then double shame on you, you massive boozy halfwit. That’s how it goes, isn’t it?

But just because Richie Sambora potentially faces a child endangerment charge, it doesn’t mean that he’s automatically going to jail. It’s just a misdemeanor child endangerment charge, so perhaps if Richie’s convicted he can get away with community service at a local factory and nothing more.

If that’s the case, though, perhaps it’s best not to let Richie anywhere near the forklift. Especially not if the factory’s anywhere near a primary school.

Read more:

Police Want To Get Tough With Sambora – SFGate

But anyway, back to the rebellion. Time was that to be a rebel you only had to get drunk and drive around in your car for a while. But now that everyone from Paris Hilton to most of the stars of Lost have done that, the bar had to be raised. Which is why Richie Sambora apparently got drunk and drove around with his own 10-year-old daughter in the car with him.

And now Richie Sambora might be hit with child endangerment charges for it. How many times, Richie? You should only get drunk and endanger the lives of your passengers when your passengers are the other members of Bon Jovi, not kids. That's just stupid, although the Bon Jovi thing really should be actively encouraged.

If Richie Sambora could learn one thing from being in Bon Jovi, it's that driving along a road is a suitable metaphor for life. Crossroads, Lost Highway, Seat Next To You, Born To Be My Baby, It's My Life – all songs that very clearly state that life is like a road. However, hardened Joviists – once their brain medication wears off – will be able to tell you that not one of these songs mentions veering about this road all shitfaced with a terrified ten-year-old girl in the passenger seat.

Richie Sambora needs to do some boning up on the wisdom of Bon Jovi, in that case.

Although Richie Sambora's struggles with alcohol are well known, possibly stemming from having to balance having the world's most complicated love life with being in the world's most fist-gnawingly awful band, up until now he'd managed to avoid combining getting hammered on booze with bombing around in a car with his own daughter in it.

But on Tuesday night that's exactly what Richie Sambora was arrested for. The New York Daily News reports:

Rocker Richie Sambora could face criminal charges of child endangerment after being busted on a DUI charge Tuesday night. Cops in Laguna Beach, Calif., tell us they're investigating whether there's enough evidence to hold the Bon Jovi guitarist responsible for putting his 10-year-old daughter, Ava, and another child at risk. Police pulled over Sambora, 48, at 10:52 p.m. on the Pacific Coast Highway after spotting his car "weaving within lanes," Laguna Beach Sgt. Jason Kravetz tells us. "The officers smelled alcohol on his breath and did several field sobriety tests. He failed [all of them] and was arrested."

Richie Sambora is due in court on May 7, although he's yet to be charged with anything pending results of a blood test. If the tests do test positive for alcohol, though, the extent of Sambora's fall from grace will be immense. Of all the boneheaded things you could possibly do, weaving around on a road drunk with your own child on board is right up there with trying to dislodge pieces of biscuit from plug sockets with your tongue and, well, being in Bon Jovi.

Hopefully this arrest will have some long-term benefits, though – the shock should be enough to sent him back to rehab where he can take his recovery seriously. Plus if Richie Sambora ends up going to prison, Bon Jovi won't be able to release any more albums for a while. Great – if only more acts we didn't like seriously endangered the lives of their own children while drunk. Oh Johnny Borrell, when will you have children just so you can almost drive them into a tree?

Read more:

Richie Sambora busted for DUI – New York Daily News 

Honestly, we didn’t think there was anyone left to get a DUI. But we were wrong. Turns out you just have to look to the siblings of other busted drunkards. Like Paris Hilton’s little brother, Barron Hilton, who has gone and gotten himself a DUI.

Oh, and he one upped his sister’s DUI with a fake license. Ha! Take that, Paris. 

Ah, the Hiltons. Once upon a time their family name was synonymous with classy hotels. You know, the kind that you don’t feel the need to call Dateline to come and investigate the bed sheets with blue lights. But nowadays when you hear the name Hilton, you think of a pointlessly famous heiress that has bladder control problems in the back of taxis and is constantly stuck in that arched back cat pose that makes you so aggravated that you want to drop kick yourself into the wall.  

Well, now the Hilton’s can add another shining star to their family crest. Barron Hilton will no longer be known (not that he was known in the first place) as Paris Hilton’s little brother, but as Paris Hilton’s little brother that likes to go for morning drives around Los Angeles while a little bit too drunk. You see, at around 8am yesterday, 18-year-old Barron Hilton was arrested for drunk driving. He was found to have a blood alcohol level of .14 and carrying a fake license.

The exciting part in all of this is not that Barron Hilton was arrested, or that he is underage, or that he might be charged with a felony for having a made-up license, but that a driver following Barron Hilton’s car felt something was a bit off and pulled him out of the car at the next stop to wait for the police to arrive. Wow, someone must have actually watched Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. Steve Guttenberg will not have died in vain! What? He’s still alive? Oh.

Anyway, Barron Hilton need not worry, because if his situation is anything like his sister's he’ll only have to serve about 87 seconds in jail, which he can break up into smaller chunks by getting let out, then put back, then let out and put back a few times, and eventually strut out in a designer jacket and heels. We eagerly await Barron Hilton's interview with Larry King where he doesn't answer any question directly as our minds are slowly rendered useless by crippling boredom.

Read more: 

Paris Hilton's Little Brother Arrested for DUI - People