Lindsay Lohan isn’t as much fun as she used to be. Remember when she was constantly full of drink and drugs, having sex with everyone, stealing jewels and getting accused of assault and battery? Those were good days.

Sadly, she seems to have straightened herself out… BUT WAIT!

See, LiLo has been doing her community service, hauling her speckled self around a morgue! Ostensibly, Judge Stephanie Sautner wants her to fix herself by warping her mind with dead bodies. Get the feeling that we’ll be seeing good ol’ Insane Lohan again in the future?

In a bid to mend the broken insides of Lindsay Lohan, the law has required her to complete 12 morgue visits and 4 psychotherapy sessions by Tuesday’s court hearing. That’s more dead body contact than psychiatric help. How wonderful!

While at the morgue, Lohan has been a model employee, which clearly means that she’s falling in love with all the stiffs.

After tomorrow’s hearing, Lindsay will be at the halfway mark of her probation, which means that she’ll have to complete ANOTHER 12 morgue visits and 4 therapy classes.

She’s going to be barking mad by the time the law is done with her.

And the best thing is, should she mess up, she’ll find herself being sent to prison for 270 days, which will absolutely erode whatever semblance of human is left in there.

She doesn’t stand a chance does she?

Where there’s blame, there’s a claim… right? Well, in the case of paparazzi photographer and presumed harassing scum-ventricle, Grigor Baylan, he’s suing Lindsay Lohan for something she didn’t actually do for once.

Our papping chum is taking legal action against the actress after he found himself being run over  by a motor car that was trying to get away from… you guessed it! The paparazzo.

And the best bit is – LiLo wasn’t even driving the car!

The photographer’s lawyer, Neil Steiner, told ambulance chasing TMZ, that the actress is being chased in this particular legal case because her assistant was at the wheel and operating under her instruction.

Feel free to arch an eyebrow at that.

Steiner says that he’s contacted Lindsay’s insurance company to settle the claim but they only made an ‘insignificant offer’.

Of course, there’s nothing funny going on here.

No-one is trying to milk a situation for all it’s worth. The lawyer insisted he is only seeking ‘reasonable compensation’ for his client, who was medically treated for orthopaedic and neurologic injuries following the incident, which took place on January 10, 2010.

This definitely isn’t a case of targeting someone who might want to throw money at a scenario because they’re worried about a judge hauling them back into court to send them to prison for previous misdemeanours.

Definitely, definitely not that.

Lindsay Lohan wants you to know that she’s a moron. That’s the only possible reason why she emerged from a tattoo parlour this week permanently marked with the phrase: Live Without Regrets.

The starlet drunken car crash is said to have told pals that she’s ‘at a great point in her life and wanted to do something she’d always remember’.

Who wouldn’t want to remember the first second third time they got their vag out for the public? At least this time it was sponsored by Playboy and not 12 Jagerbombs and an hour in the powder rooms

And while there’s talk that she could be playing Liz Taylor in a flick (a mental harridan portraying an older, equally dead-eyed lunatic), her work shouldn’t ever be considered as inspiration for a tattoo.

Other possible highlight from 2011 that Lindsay might want to commemorate:

• Racking up $1.4m in legal fees
• Losing $10,000 cash at a house party
• Being photographed French-kissing her own mother
• Having her dad tell everyone that she’s ‘either smoking crack or meth’
• Being sentenced to 30 days in jail
• Getting fitted with a new set of teeth to make her look less of a meth-head
• Spending over $90,000 on limos
• Being accused of having an affair with married man Vikram Chatwal
• Threatening to sue Pitbull, Dania Ramez and Mena Suvari,
• Being caught shoplifting a necklace
• Getting sued for assault and battery

To be fair, we only went as far back as far as July 2011 before we got bored of thinking of reasons why 2011 was ‘a great point of her life’.

It’s entirely possible that she saved some nuns, puppies and orphans from a house fire previous to this.

Lindsay darling, when most people are at a point in their lives they want to remember, they take a Polaroid. They don’t sketch the phrase on their hands like that vigilante from Memento.

There’s nothing good about this tattoo – the hand writing looks like it was scrawled by a drunken crack w- oh, oh wait, we get it now.

This was a guest post by Lady Robotnik and, most likely, she’s gonna kick you into a coma.

So dull that even air has been known to ignore and stagnate around him, Robert Pattison is the most baffling superstar ever generated by the various casting couches of Hollywood.

He’s so forgettable that we can’t think of a suitable ending to this sentence.

And now, to add to his impressively tedious acting résumé, he’s going to pollute the world of music with an awful album of his music, created with his sister Lizzy, who sometimes has to be reminded of her extremely famous, but ultimately stiflingly dull brother.

Pattinson, often so criminally boring that his meal decompose in tedium when they’re served to his famous face, started piano lessons when he was three. Apparently, he’s developed an unusual technique on the ol’ ivories as, thanks to Pattz being a thorough charm-vacuum, he’s never played the black keys on a piano because they all saunter off when he approaches them.

And now, along with big sister Lizzy (who performed backing vocals in Twilight), he’s making some album or other… not that anyone buys albums these days.

Should Pattinson’s LP make it to the shops, the very shelves which promote them will probably fall asleep.

Some warty-div who knows him or something, told the Express:

‘Rob has always been so supportive of Lizzy’

‘They’re really close, so it’s nice they are working together.

Dull.

‘He’ll always turn up at her gigs if he’s around, but he’s seriously talented in his own right.’

It’s been written elsewhere that, when Robert was younger, Lizzy found him so unswervingly beige that she used to dress him up as a girl and call him Claudia.

THAT is how boring R-Pattz is.

Robert Pattinson may well be so dull that sometimes, even light itself rejects his presence and that, granted, he’s so riddled with tedium that sometimes his heart forgets to pump his boring blood around his lifeless body…

…but he still manages to pop his doo-dah into the girls. Mystifying.

Of course, everyone has been muttering about Pattz and Kristen Stewart getting it on because, quite clearly, they’re a couple. However, rumour has it that Rob has been flinging his grey peen up the front garden of Twillighter Nikki Reed too! Oh the unbearable horror of it all!

That’s right. Pattinson, who you berks all love so unswervingly that you really should – at some point at least – recognise that there are real life people stood around you all the time who you might want to interact with, may not be the nice boy you thought he was.

The source claims:

[Nikki and Kristen] can’t stand each other,. They don’t even talk anymore. Kristen has never forgiven Nikkie for the fling she had with [her boyfriend Robert Pattinson]. Kristen never confronted Rob about the affair, she just put the blame on Nikki and accused her of pursuing him.

Yeah. That won’t harbour resentment and mistrust will it?

Nikki’s the most down-to-earth actress you’ll ever meet. Kristen acts like she can’t be bothered with fame, yet she lives for all the press about her and Rob. Nikki is very vocal about Kris not being appreciative of her success. Nikki is not one to censor herself to avoid confrontation, and Kristen does not like that.

Of course, bozo Twilighteers won’t believe a word of this and take straight to their badly spelled Twitter accounts to chide Nikki Reed and call her all manner of slut and slag while the world trundles on, completely obvious to these exceedingly boring individuals.

Amazing scenes.

Good ol’ Lindsay Lohan. She’s spectacularly hapless isn’t she? You could leave her on an infinitely smooth surface, devoid of any life and, somehow, she’d still end up getting arrested with illegal articles about her person.

She’s a godsend for pondscum like us.

And now, tremendously, she’s threatening to kill people and missing $10,000 from a Chanel purse because, no matter how hard she tries, she simply can’t avoid melodrama and vague trouble. Still, at least we can all gawp at her leaked Playboy nudes, right?

See, LiLo was left irked after her purse got pinched. In leaked audio footage, the Mean Girls actress (we have to keep saying ‘Mean Girls star’ because she’s really done nothing of note since then) can be heard spitting that she’ll “f**king kill someone” if it means she has to go back to jail.

Basically, her passport, some documents and ID was swiped in her hideously expensive bag, which meant that she wouldn’t have been able to get back to Los Angeles in time for her next court date.

That could’ve meant a judge sending her to the slammer.

During the clip obtained by TMZ, Lindsay can be heard saying:

“This is not good. I will f**king kill someone if I even have to get questioned.”

Alas, her bag was eventually recovered along with her documents. Smartly, whoever stole the bag managed to keep a tidy $10,000 for themselves. Nice job Thiefo.

And while all this was going on, the rest of the world was ogling LiLo’s leaked Playboy nudes, which marvellously means that no-one needs to buy a copy now.

Who wants to buy actual magazines these days when you have brilliant sites like this to yoink all the good stuff for you, eh?

Have a look. And no, they are totally not safe to view at work. Or NSFW if you’ve been skim reading.

Images found here. They have more photographs too. Go sue them if you have a problem. Thanks.

Everybody knows that, if you want to really, really, really convey gravitas, pink pen is the way to do it. Suicide note? Pink pen. Will? Pink pen. Dear John letter? Pink pen. First draft of Mein Kampf? Pink pen, preferably glittery.

And so, it has been discovered that Lindsay Lohan’s journal is written in the pinkest of pens. That’s because she’s a girl and all girls always write in pink pen, in their pink diaries, in their pink Hello Kitty bedrooms.

So what’s this about gravitas? Well, if you want the world to hear about your love affair with Heath Ledger and his subsequent death? Pink pen.

See, LiLo isn’t all (the following are alleged for the sake of spying lawmen) stealing jewels, punching people in rehabs, lesbian trysts, class A drugs, falling down drunk, ankle tags, sex toy ranges and getting your boobies out for Hugh Hefner.

Hell no. Lindsay is a real person, with real feelings and a pink biro.

In a joint investigation, Star and RadarOnline have told the world that Lohan uses a pink pen to write in her diary. Of course, the words she’s written in pink aren’t always fluffy and cute.

In a copy of LiLo’s 2008 journal which they’ve somehow obtained, the freckled thesp expresses deep romantico-sexual feelings for Heath Ledger. Her soul was all entwined like mating slugs hanging from a branch by their sexy mucus.

In the journal, LiLopalooza wrote:

“Today Heath died”

“I’m in love with him. . . . He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”

Grieving widow, Michelle Williams, must be absolutely thrilled at this news. Next week, we explore why Hollywood is so bloody incestuous.

It’s good to be writing trash about Lindsay Lohan again. For a moment, it looked like she was going to start being well-behaved and no-one wants that. Premature death, arrest, drug-use – all those things are fine. Being a goodytwoshoes? Who cares?

And since she got her ankle tag off, she’s been doing a nudie photoshoot for Playboy, which is thrilling for all concerned.

Better yet, is that some scamp has decided to leak the cover which features Lohan and her boobies are there and a red chair and… why don’t you see for yourself over the jump?

The rabble-rousing actress was last on these pages as a potential sex-toy (click here for more on the LiLdo) and now she’s going to be the affections of a million trouser botherers.

On the cover, you’ll see LiLo straddling a Playboy bunny shaped chair, with her long, flowing breasts all there, complete with black heels.

Remember folks. If you insist on wearing footwear when naked, never EVER let the things on your feet be white tube socks, okay?

Anyway, it is widely rumoured that Lohan was paid $1 million for the shoot and it was going to be revealed – remarkably – on the Ellen DeGeneres show on December 15th.

We’ll show it off instead.

Of course, we’re too thick to actually hack an account and leak something. A random internet search showed these people showing it off. They’re one of many. So if anyone is thinking of suing us, go see the Metro newspaper first eh? No-one actually enjoys reading that, so go book ‘em Danno!

Speaking about the snaps, which appear in the January/February issue of the magazine, Hefner spoke about the inspiration behind the shots.

“It’s a classic tribute, inspired by the original Tom Kelley nude pictorial of Marilyn Monroe. [It's] classy, very classy”

“It turned out very well. I would say that I had some reservations early on, but after a couple of false steps, everybody came on board and it’s going to be very exciting”

Marilyn Monroe? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING. We’re sick of the bloody sight of her.

When Charlie Sheen went mental, it was briefly hilarious. Basically, he rambled on about tiger blood and being made of win like a man babbling nonsense shortly before his death. It was a glorious and gruesome spectacle for us blood-baying dimwits.

And then he went and spoiled it all by straightening himself out, going on tour and getting dumped by his two live-in girlfriends.

Gone was the chandelier punching, the suitcases of cocaine, the heart-pills and rock-eyed lunacy. ALL IS NOT LOST THOUGH! That’s because Sheeno’s ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, has taken up the slack and gone drug-mental in his place!

Sadly for Brooke, she’s sorely lacking in catchphrases, so this story isn’t nearly as funny as Sheen’s. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to laugh though.

So what’s the rub?

Well, Brooke was arrested over the weekend in a nightclub on suspicion of assault and possession of cocaine with intent to distribute.

Get that? Sheen is clearly not paying her enough child-support money if she’s dealing coke. Sorry. We should rephrase that. Sheen clearly not dropping nuclear truth bombs of money into Brooke’s pocket of lose. WINNING. Tiger bl… oh forget it.

Reports say that Aspen Police Department officers were doing a routine walk-through at Belly Up Aspen when a woman reported that an assault had taken place. Police said a woman identified the culprit as Mueller and the police found her at the dance club Escobar.

She was probably having a nice dance to Pitbull or something.

The police say that Mueller faces a class-four felony charge of possession of cocaine with intent to distribute, and third-degree assault, a class-one misdemeanour. No. That means absolutely nothing to us either, but from what we can glean, it sounds like a really fun spectator sport.

A police spokesperson said…

“She’s obviously a person who attracts a lot of media attention, and we will handle this case just like we handle all cases… she’ll get treated like we treat everybody else.”

…to the press. That’s right, the press, who they usually talk to about all their cases. This is totally normal.

Mueller has form with this sort of this, having various stints in rehab, including time at an “extreme” rehab program in Mexico earlier this year. She was also escorted off a flight after being described as “belligerent.” Various reports alleged that she’d also been seen in a carpark with a crack-pipe and has also been trying to pawn jewelry for cash.

And yet, she still has custody of the twins. Just how awful a human must Charlie Sheen be if that’s the case?

Vacant bundle of grinning sinew, Taylor Lautner, is going to be immortalised in wax at Madame Tussauds. Cue: WE CAN’T TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE WAXWORK DUMMY AND THE THING THAT STARRED IN ALL THOSE TWILIGHT FILMS comment.

In all seriousness, there will be very little to differentiate between the wax Lautner and the real one.

Look at him. He’s barely human as it is. He’s just a flickering heart and dormant brain set amongst a tower of resin moulded muscles. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to a walking, talking, livin’ sex-doll for depressed, horny fortysomethings.

That said, if you’re one of the legions of shrieking Twihards who look to be graduating from the first throes of masturbating over your Twilight ring-binder, looking toward something you can hump for real without getting anyone arrested for statutory rape, then this waxwork is just the thing!

However, like the depressing chastity of the Twilight films, you’ll have to wait a little while (feel free to scream I WILL WAIT FOR YOU UNTIL THE END OF TIME TAYLOR! at the top of your lungs, if you like).

Lautner’s more-real dummy will be unveiled to the pinging of hundreds of training bras at Madame Tussauds in January.

This all comes on the back of Taylor got his hands and feet set in cement on the Hollywood Walk of Fame alongside Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart.

Alas, concerning the latter, they were so gaspingly tedious that the cement didn’t even part as they put their hands in, too bored to even obey the laws of physics.

Either way, when Taylor’s star wanes, they can just cover it in glue and roll it around the floor of a barber shop until Tussauds end up with a lifelike Chewbacca dummy.

When Amy Winehouse died, everyone was pretty saddened by the news. A young woman, not yet in her thirties, lost and still with a lot more to give. Shame. Of course, it was a fertile period for making lazy jokes about it on twitter, but the less said about that, the better.

Anyway, Pulp honcho Jarvis Cocker has something to say about it all.

Basically, the national treasure in the making has blamed the tabloids for Amy Winehouse’s untimely death.

Cocker says that the endless media attention that the late singer received forced her to turn to drink and drugs. How does he come to that conclusion? Well, he says he went through a similar situation during the height of his fame during the Britpop era.

Britpop was a rubbish period in pop by the way.

Cocker told The Guardian:

“Amy Winehouse passed away this year and it was all ‘Drugs killed Amy Winehouse’. I think that the press killed Amy Winehouse as much as drugs did, because it sends people into that place where they’ve got no peace, and so they just try to escape. And sometimes you use drugs and drink to do that.”

He added:

“That atmosphere of fear that tabloids cause – and I experienced that a bit, back in the bad old days – it makes you not want to go out, and it makes you act more weirdly because it makes you more self-conscious, and it makes you want to get more off your head because you block it out.”

Alas, a coroner indeed ruled that Winehouse died from excessive alcohol consumption, having consumed enough alcohol on the day of her death to render her more than four-and-a-half times over the drink drive limit.

Coming soon: Jokes.

Robert Pattinson is crashingly dull. He’s so dull that rain water has been known to hurl itself into furnaces in a bid to escape his terrific tedium. Rumour has it that R-Pattz is so boring that his blood clots into scabs while still in his veins everytime he wakes.

Once, it has been said, Robert Pattinson made an ocean curdle just by absently staring at it. He’s that yawnsome. Someone told us that a field tried to vomit itself to death while Pattinson was stood nearby.

And would you believe it, he’s actually realised that, once the Twilight saga ends, he could well be without a career as everyone is very likely to forget he exists.

Rob compared the Twilight movie series to a “safety net”, which has so far allowed him to appear in an established series of films without fear of failure.

Not that anyone noticed.

Pattinson told The Observer:

“I had a three- or four-month window between each [Twilight film] during which I could do another job. But whatever I did, I knew that I’d have another Twilight movie on the way, which is theoretically guaranteed to make a lot of money. So I could always afford to fail.”

It’s rumoured that the Observer scribe tasked with speaking to Pattinson passed out through fatigue and died. Just died. Right there in front of Robert Pattinson.

A second writer was drafted in to catch Rob saying:

“If I do decide one day to stop acting, I just hate the idea of people going: ‘Oh, did you ever do anything else besides that Twilight thing?’”

The second writer also ended their life because the clawing suffocation of Pattz beigery enveloped their entire being ’til their lungs just refused to work anymore.

Breaking Dawn – Part 1 is released in cinemas from November 18 WHICH IS OBVIOUSLY AMAZING.

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Matthew Fox has launched a countersuit against a bus driving woman who allegedly assaulted him during an incident in August.

Do you remember the story which said Matthew Fox had been punching a woman on the boob and minge? Do you? We told you about it. It’s not our fault you’ve got a memory like a fish with Alzheimer’s.

It all surrounded an incident which saw Fox trying to get on something called a ‘party bus’. That sounds hideous doesn’t it? Listless women in hot-pants dancing in drizzle while leg meltingly high volumed music blares out at people trying to ignore the hideousness of it all. Anyway, he’s not having a woman saying that he punched her on her doo-dah.

Apparently, the Lost hunk attempted to board a party bus in Ohio in the early hours of 28th August when he was confronted by driver Heather Bormann because his name was not on the private guestlist.

DID SHE NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS? IT’S THAT GUY. THAT GUY FROM LOST. Yeah, we wouldn’t have let him on either, just because we’re peevish.

Anyway, reports said that a scuffle ensued, during which Fox was accused of hitting Bormann on two different rude parts. This prompted Bormann to thwack him in the face. Fox was detained by police but not formally arrested.

Then, Long Distance Clara filed three charges against the actor, including one count of battery, but Fox was never handed criminal charges.

Okay?

Well, now Fox has launched a lawsuit against Bormann for provoking Fox during the altercation and subsequently causing him “public hatred, contempt, ridicule and shame” due to the media fallout.

In fairness, there was a lot of ridicule knocking about, just because Fox wanted to go anywhere near a party bus at all.

Anyway, he’s now seeking unspecified damages because of negative publicity generated, which allegedly cost Fox a number of job opportunities.

Yeah right.

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Panto season must be upon us, as formerly-relevant perplexing poltroon and peddler of pretend-angst Brian Hugh Warner has once again unveiled his Halloween-night-Lily-Savage alter-ego ‘Marilyn Manson’ in an unsuccessful attempt to outrage/impress anyone who still gives two hoots during a boozy night out in Las Vegas.

The vain attempt to appear partially interesting involved Brian going out on the lash in the Born And Raised bar in suburban Vegas – basically a provincial Yates’s from what we can gather. This was after, we assume, getting turned-away from any ‘real’ bars on the Strip all of whom have a strict “no wankers” policy. Luckily Brian managed to make himself look like the utter weapon he is.

Highlights of the evening, courtesy of the man determined to turn his previously imagined reputation of ‘controversial’ into that of stone-cold-fact ‘tiresome’, include:

• Drinking absinthe, because Baudelaire did so it’s, like, totally cool, cultured and ‘out-there’. Like the kerr-razy dude he is. On-lookers shrugged, we imagine. Not remembering he unsuccessfully launched his own brand of ‘Mansinthe’ in 2008 (REALLY), which was variously described as being “as bad as piss” (True).
• Manning the karaoke machine and singing ‘Cry Me A River’ by Justin Timberlake. SIX bloody TIMES IN A ROW LIKE SOME SORT OF WOMAN WITH EMOTIONS AND THINGS.
• Getting into the wrong limousine at the end of the night and getting hoyed-out of it – basically the equivalent of unsuccessfully trying to jump somebody else’s taxi, a ritual we are all familiar with.
• Ostentatiously brandishing a knife while awaiting the arrival of his own taxi/limo.

The latter is- of course- forgivable if one is a fifteen-year old wannabe hard-man trying to impress your mates after your first proper belly-full of Diamond White. You know, whilst ‘having it large’ in your local graveyard after everyone has told their parents they are spending the evening round each others’ houses? It’s pretty wearying if you are a 42-year old man named Brian.

It is widely reported (by us) that Brian tried to justify this wholly underwhelming spectacle by saying “Sorry I went nuts, but I’m a rock star!” to anyone listening.

His ‘rock star’ allegation was made despite all evidence to the contrary including, but not limited to – no major label contract, no album out in recent memory, not being Trent Reznor, no tour that anyone can remember and even his target audience of adolescent emo kids finding him a bit embarrassing.

Rumours that Brian Hugh Warner currently resides in his mother’s box-room and has been getting grief for stealing her concealer are unconfirmed at time of publication.

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A couple of new Amy Winehouse tracks have emerged online and on the radio (yes, people still listen to the radio unbelievably) and they are both getting a decent reception from fans.

It goes without saying that some people will be complaining about posthumous releases and others will STILL be banging on about her drink and drugs problems like that was ever a reason to not like someone’s music.

Anyway, you can listen to the tracks over the jump if you’re quick. Someone is bound to take them offline soon.

On ‘Like Smoke’, Winehouse teamed up with (Nasty) Nas on Like Smoke which was originally recorded in 2008 and debuted on BBC Radio 1Xtra.

Meanwhile, Our Day Will Come was played by DJ Chris Moyles on his breakfast show this morning.

Both are pretty decent and certainly don’t dent her back-catalogue negatively, so everyone should be pretty pleased with the results. The songs will feature on Amy’s posthumous album, Lioness: Hidden Treasures, which will be released on December 5.

£1 from every sale will go to the Amy Winehouse Foundation.

RWD Mag have new track Our Day Will Come (here) and other new track, Like Smoke, featuring the always tremendous Nas can be heard by clicking below.

Amy Winehouse ft. Nas – Like Smoke by azuredamus

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