When Sean Penn’s not being pestered by Scarlett Johansson on the rebound, he’s being all philanthropic and all that jive. Of course, having a political persuasion means you’ll rub some people up the wrong way and they shout at you.

Mercifully for Sean Penn, he’s a grade-a bitch. He has put-downs that could almost match the output of a drag queen convention.

And who found this out at their cost? Why, if it wasn’t a co-star of his who accused Penn of being a Communist. What fun!

You may or may not know or care, but Penn is a big supporter of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. He’s a red. And an old co-star of Sean’s, called Maria Conchita Alonso, took an opportunity to shoot her mouth off at the actor when she bumped into him at LAX.

Conchita, recounts the incident, said:

I said, ‘I would like to talk to you.’ He said, ‘Oh, it’s you. I have nothing to say to you. You speak badly about me.’ I said, ‘No, I don’t. I just say the truth. That you are a friend of Chavez and that he’s a good man. And that’s a lie. How can you do that?’

He said, ‘You are a pig!’ So I said, ‘And you are a Communist asshole!’

I was so angry and I had all this built inside me for so many years, and he calls me a pig. I just exploded. My mother was so happy, she wanted to clap.

Imagine that. Calling someone a crude name and your mother welling up with pride as she stands beside you. Something that hecklerspray is still waiting on.

Penn’s retort?

I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.

If you’re wondering – which you’re not – Alonso and Penn starred in Colors together.

Donald Trump is a man of many talents; he pioneered the modern day comb over, he discovered that President Obama was actually a Senegalese street cleaner called Babacar Ousamane, causing him to resign from the Presidency and is rumoured to have been the man who killed Kim Jong-il, with a Chuck Norris style roundhouse.

But now, ‘The Donald,’ as he is known, has made his most audacious claim yet, he (and he alone) is personally responsible for the meteoric rise to fame of the 21^st Century musical behemoth, Lady Gaga.

That’s right, if it wasn’t for Donald Trump the world would never have been subjected to the second coming of Madonna.

Top man Trump, stated that it was his choice to have Gaga perform during the 2008 Miss Universe pageant. The resulting performance that she put on got tongues wagging, with people all over the world reportedly not talking about the pageant because they were too busy wondering who that entertainer was.

Naturally there was no mention of the fact that Gaga’s inaugural performance came just after the crucial Miss Universe Wank Threshold. After which it’s assumed that any and all viewers have finally reached their climax and so they’d better wheel out the performing monkey to distract them and give them a little bit of time to recover.

America’s answer to Lord Sugar wasn’t done there though.

Now that he’s successfully managed to convince everyone that he brought us Gaga, instead of simply being a bit gaga, Trump has begun work on his next outlandish claim.

Rumours have been circling Stateside that Trump is planning to claim that he is in fact the man in the moon, having acquired the advertising rights after a hostile takeover of NASA that took place just before they had to scrap the space shuttle program.

Scarlett Johansson’s boobs. She showed them off to us by accident didn’t she? That’s probably the thing she’ll be remembered for when she dies. Boobs, oh and she did some films. Better to be remembered for titties than forgotten entirely, right?

Either way, we’re not here to talk about breasts all day. We’re talking marriage. Pull up a seat. Let’s get deep.

See, Scarlett is under the assumption that marrying Ryan Reynolds was one of the best decisions she ever made. She split with him after two years and made one of the most annoying perfume adverts in history. But it was still totally the best thing she ever did. Ryan Reynolds. Think about that.

Nothing good comes out of Ryan Reynolds. Literally. It’s all waste products, humid air and nincompoopery. He’s a dithering sack of shit with a granite hard torso and 14 inch skull.

Still, Johansson claims marrying the star of the ‘Green Lantern’ was the best thing she ever, ever did. Much better than the time she got with Sean Penn by sheer persistence.

She said:

“It was the best thing I ever did. I’m a big believer that when something feels right, you should do it.”

“I’m a big believer in instinct. Getting married was the right thing to do because it was natural. It grew out of romance and love and a desire to have a future with somebody, and I was very fortunate that I married somebody who turned out to be the person I thought he would be.”

So, how does one celebrate the love of the union of marriage? Why, you don’t spend any time together and, in the case of Scarlett, she wasn’t prepared to do the work necessary to keep their romance alive!

HURRAY!

Speaking to Cosmopolitan magazine, she said:

“Relationships are complicated. Being married is a living, breathing process. I think I was not fully aware of the peaks and the valleys. I wasn’t prepared to hunker down and do the work. Both of us were extremely busy. We spent so much time apart. It’s very difficult.”

Of course, marriage is a stupid, dangerous drug for those fearful of their own company, and hecklerspray advises that you don’t even try it. You saw Charlie Sheen when he was out of his mind on expensive drugs? Marriage turns you into a bigger dillweed than that!

Seriously. Go watch Bridezillas and hark at the endless identical baby pictures currently littering your Facebook feed.

Just. Say. No (preferably at the altar for maximum impact).

Cher has a son. He’s called Chaz. Chaz used to be a girl, but now isn’t. And that’s fine because what he looks at when naked in the mirror doesn’t affect anyone but him or who he has sex with. Right? WRONG.

See, America – because it’s filled with judgemental Christian dickheads – completely believes that Chaz Bono’s genitalia it’s everyone business.

That’s why there’s a load of hooting fools all kicking off about Chaz’s appearance on Dancing With the Stars. WHAT WOULD JESUS SAY? You’d hope Jesus would have better things to do with his time than watching dreadful dancing competitions. And Cher? She’s not happy about it at all.

Chaz is the first transgender competitor on the dancing contest and as such, in the name of equality, look just as daft as everyone else in their hideous outfits while badly gyrating around a ballroom floor to some half-baked version of ‘Smooth’ by Carlos Santana.

And people are attacking Chaz with their words, spitting about how disgusting it is that someone who has taken presumably an agonising decision to realign their gender, should want to partake in a television programme.

It’s awful isn’t it?

And Cher has hit out against naysayers on twitter, saying:

“lovelies! Chaz is Being Viciously Attacked on Blogs & Message boards about being on DWTS!This is Still America right ? It took guts 2 do it

One group, who sound particularly lovely, called One Million Moms, who have a goal to fight the “filth many segments of our society, especially the entertainment media,” are urging people to

“Email ABC Network and let them know that we will not tolerate these subjects being forced into our homes.”

Didya hear that? The real tragedy here is that Americans are actively forced by their government to watch Dancing With The Stars. The off button refuses to work while it broadcasts and all channels are required by law to air it. There is no escape outside either, as the show itself is projected onto the sky for all to see.

Poor, poor Christian America. They’re forced to face a thing they simply refuse to understand based on the teachings of some Middle Eastern hippie with holes in his paws.

Good thing none of these Christians are fat, because last time we checked, gluttony was high on the list of sins.

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Ryan Reynolds – man that is made entirely of gym instructions – and Charlize Theron – a woman designed to occupy thongs – have apparently been dating for months, and were both so simple minded (much like cows in a field) that they forgot to tell anyone… including themselves.

A source close to the pair has revealed to at least four people who were half-listening, that the pair are officially ‘in a relationship’, telling reporters: “They’re exclusive, and it’s very hush-hush.”

Presumably, even Charlize Theron doesn’t want to admit that she’s going steady with the man responsible for the dreadful, dreadful Green Lantern film.

Thus far, the couple have managed to dodge photographers, but this could once again be down to immense stupidity. Rumour has it that the pair stood before a window of Curry’s, waving at all the cameras and presuming that they were getting vital publicity for their dismal projects.

However, things soon came to a stop as they were both distracted by a balloon and ran-after it, trying to grab the sky with their stupid, stupid hands.

The source adds:

“They’re both career-focused, but not in a crazy way. [Theron] won’t go to an event with him. That’s not her style.”

This is down to Theron’s fear of red carpets, which she still believes are made entirely of rocking horse blood. Meanwhile, Reynolds is still in contact with his ex wife, Scarlett Johansson, because he didn’t understand what she meant when she told him ‘I don’t love you anymore’.

Next week: Reynolds and Theron are told that ice cubes are made from very cold water.

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It’s nice to know that, even though you’re widely regarded to be one of the most beautiful humans who ever walked this pathetic excuse of a planet, you can still be hugely flawed and make an idiot of yourself before someone you really, really fancy.

We’re talking about Scarlett Johansson and her besottery with Sean Penn, perhaps one of the most baffling celebrity hook-ups in a decade, what with him having a face like wrinkled elbow-scrag.

See, it appears that the romance between the Hollywood beaut and the wizened actor had to die because Scarlett was into Penn way too much, leaving him widening his eyes and mouthing ‘What the f…’

It seems that our Scarlett was “besotted” with Penn, who didn’t need all that in his life, especially given that Johansson’s divorce hasn’t even gone through yet.

After a five-month affair, the pair knocked the relationship on the head, leaving everyone with a palpable sense of balance being restored in The Force.

A source, speaking with absolutely zero authority on the matter, says:

“Sean is simply not ready for a long-term or very serious relationship, given it’s too soon since he and Robin [Wright] divorced. Scarlett’s intensity just scared him – which is kind of funny, given how intense Sean is”

So what kind of intensity are we talking about here?

Well, apparently Scarlett just decided that she’d move in with Penn in his Los Angeles mansion, which is presumably still full of his ex-wife’s stuff… not to mention the echoes of Sean Penn crying “JESUS WEPT! SHE’S MOVED IN! I’VE ONLY KNOWN HER FIVE MINUTES! Great rack though… so… er… ”

A source close to Sean says that the actor started to “totally freak out” when “a very emotionally needy” Scarlett moved in.

Wow. Not just us then. Brill.

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You may well think that Scarlett Johansson is the most beautiful woman you’ve even seen, which probably means that you think you don’t stand a chance of ever making out with her. Well you do, because she’s decided to tap a troll-faced Sean Penn. Repeatedly. While Barack Obama watches on.

That’s right mingers, Johansson has long been rumoured to be swapping fluids with Penn, despite the fact he could curdle the vapour in the air with his foul face.

And while in the presence of President Obama, Mila Kunis and Donald Trump, Scarlett decided to indulge in a spot of heavy petting with Penn at Saturday’s White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington, D.C. Honestly. They were like teenagers at a roller disco, all grunting and dribbles.

One eye witness, desperate to tell anyone in earshot about the people they’d seen with more talent that them, breathlessly panted:

“It happened right as the main course of the dinner was being put on the table”

“Scarlett was pawing at Sean, holding on to his hip while he was smoking. She gave him a short kiss. But then they took a walk some 30 feet away, broke off from the group and kissed some more.”

What were they doing?! Did Penn get to second or third base in a hedge? Did they slope off and buy cheap booze and promise to make each other mix tapes? DID SEAN PENN SEE SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S BRA?

“Around 1 a.m. Sean and Scarlett were side by side for the rest of the night. When they were walking out the door, Sean stopped her, took off his jacket and put it on her shoulders, saying, ‘It’s cold out there.’ They then grabbed hands and walked out before 3 a.m.”

You may think that is a selfless act of chivalry. You couldn’t be more wrong. The ‘jacket over the shoulder’ trick is celebrity code for sex. The coat is a metaphor for the sheath worn by those not wanting to ride bareback in the sheets, the exposed shoulder being the recipients willingness to receive such ‘gentlemanly activity’.

So basically, Sean Penn told the world that he was off for some hardcore action with that woman you fancy.

But why did Penn attend at meeting at The Hill with all those politicians? Well, in what could easily be more celebrity code, he said:

“I’m mostly here for Haiti, and I want to help bring some attention to that crisis.”

We can’t even imagine what that could mean. You’re not even listening are you. You’re still thinking of Scarlett Johansson’s boobs aren’t you?

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While Cher may have had a few unsightly blips in the timeline of her life – notably being an idiot with regards to her child’s transgenderness and, far far worse, the ‘Believe’ single – she’s absolutely bang on with her observations about Donald Trump.

Sadly, Cher hasn’t gone as far as pointing about that Trump’s haircut looks like it has been back-combed from his anus hairs, all the way up his back, and weaved together atop his elbow scrag head.

She has, however, taken to tweeting that Donald Trump is a “pompous asshole”. There really is no disputing that is there? Cher dated Gene Simmons from Kiss, so she knows a pompous asshole when she sees one. And this all came about after a segment of America decided to make itself look really rather racist.

If you’ve been avoiding the news, there’s a group of people in America who really don’t like the fact they’ve got a black, liberal president at the helm, trying to give the world some optimism after the horror that was George Dubya Bush. And instead of letting Barack Obama get on with his really very important job, they’ve made him dole out his birth certificate.

Why? Well, there’s a lot of idiots who look at Obama and think “Hell, he can’t be American! Look at him! He must have been born in Africa or something!” Even if he was, and got American citizenship later in his life, this isn’t good enough for some.

Because they’re monumentally stupid.

Either way, Obama’s birth certificate was released by the White House to shut these shit-fer-brains ‘birthers’ up (which of course, it won’t), so people don’t have to question the validity of his presidency again. And obviously, Donald Trump was one of the chattering pods who demanding to know if Obama was born in the USA.

Cher decided to stick up for the prez:

“Donald Trump is Pompous Asshole! Saw him in Aspen with one Dcup chick after another Everyone up there thought he was a complete idiot”

“Donald Trump (mr champter11) is Only a Mean Spirited BAD ACTOR who couldn’t find his ass with both hands & a map!”

There you have it. Don’t mess with Cher. She’s learned a lot of shade from her gay fans. Seriously. With any luck, she’ll make Donald Trump cry before the summer ends.

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Anything Britain does, the Americans have to better. We’ve have MP Ed Balls, which gives people license to titter about people serving under Balls and the like, and now, it seems America could have Senator Trump. Yessireebob, Donald Trump has revealed that he is considering running for president in 2012.

Insert exasperated swear words here.

If he landed the best most powerful gig in the world, then not only could we all laugh at President Trump (which sounds like the CEO of a novelty products company), but we’d also get the most ridiculous haircut in political history. Nothing – NOTHING – beats Donald Trump’s comb-up (he grows his spidery anus hair long and brushes it all the way up his back).

The Apprentice chump has revealed his hopes of representing the Republican Party (no surprise there then) in a future election during an appearance on Fox News.

He bellowed (well, he probably bellowed… the man doesn’t have a volume fader):

“For the first time in my life, I’m actually thinking about [running for president]“

“I am a Republican but have great respect for what the Tea Party has done because they have brought to light what’s going on. I mean, we have trillion dollar deficits…. The country is going bankrupt, let’s face it.”

The most powerful man in the world, with the most ridiculous hair in history, lecturing everyone about debt when various companies of his have filed for bankruptcy in the past! At one point, he owed $550million to lenders. That’s one man there, not in fact, an entire country.

Anyway, as he considers carrying his stupid and amusing surname toward the political world, Dick Swett, Saxby Chambliss, Randy Baumgardner and Goodluck Jonathan all fight it out for most amusing political name.

They must be quaking in their boots.

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If you’re new to this, here’s a recap: Carrie Prejean made a sex tape when she was 17 and sent it to Larry King.

Or something. What with all the on-air tantrums and over-use of the word ‘inappropriate’ and solo sex tapes that are either illegal or just plain sexy, this Carrie Prejean kerfuffle is exploding off in so many directions that it’s become impossible to contain. What we need is someone to simplify everyone. Someone with an air of natural authority. Someone with a haircut that looks like a monkey’s matted stab wound. That’s right, we need Donald Trump.

And, because this is a thing that has happened and Donald Trump will shrivel up and die unless someone’s constantly paying attention to him, he’s obliged. Hooray.

Say what you like about Carrie Prejean, but she sure knows how to promote a book. In fact, we’re so impressed with Carrie Prejean’s promotional skills that when we come to pen our autobiography, we’re going to paint ourselves orange and make a grubby solo sex tape and then throw a half-hearted tantrum on Larry King’s show too. It’s textbook stuff.

But one question remains about Carrie Prejean. No, it’s not ‘when do we get to see that video of Carrie Prejean thrashing away at her genitals?’ and it’s not ‘why didn’t Carrie Prejean leave Larry King’s studio instead of just sitting there flapping her mouth around like some sort of awful bellend?’ – it’s ‘what does Donald Trump make of all this?’

It’s important to know what Donald Trump’s take on the Carrie Prejean saga is, for three reasons:

1) As the boss of the Miss USA pageant, Donald Trump has been inextricably linked to Carrie Prejean for some time now. In his time, Donald has both defended Carrie and sanctioned her sacking. He knows how she ticks.

2) Any time a news story reaches a certain level, a light starts blinking in Donald Trump’s office and he feels the necessity to start barking his barely-formed opinion about it into the nearest camera. This is a mark that the Carrie Prejean sex tape story has hit the big time.

3) Donald Trump knows that if he starts wading in on this issue, his profoundly odd appearance will act as a counter-balance to the general level of horniness surrounding the Carrie Prejean sex tape. Seriously, try to masturbate with an image of Donald Trump in the back of your mind without crying. It’s impossible.

That said, what does Donald Trump think of this Carrie Prejean mess? Let’s find out:

“‘Inappropriate’ is more of a sexual term, as far as I’m concerned…I mean — inappropriate? He asked a very, very easy question and I was surprised that she just didn’t say, ‘Hey, listen, I can’t answer that question.’ Instead she wants to walk off the stage? It was very surprising.”

So that’s that sorted out, then. Join us next week, when Sir Alan Sugar will rub his hands together, puff out his cheeks and shout the word “Cor!” a lot when he’s asked for his opinion about the Jennifer Lopez sex tape. Or something.

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Do you like models? Do you like Christians? Do you like people who are both of those things and never ever shut up about it?

You do? You’re in for a treat – Carrie Prejean is back in the news! Notice that we didn’t refer to her as ‘Miss California Carrie Prejean’, by the way. That’s because she’s not Miss California any more – Donald Trump has just belatedly given her the boot.

Depending on who you listen to, Carrie Prejean was sacked for any number of reasons – but let’s just save time and say it’s because she’s a genuinely unlovable turdswan.

That whole Carrie Prejean flap seems like it happened ages ago, doesn’t it? So much so that we’re already sitting our fictional grandchildren down on our knee and telling them about the magical time long ago when a reasonably pretty woman decided to use the 10 seconds she was allotted in a beauty contest to blather on about how gay people are all icky and every time she sees two men holding hands she compulsively vomits and poos at the same time (we’re paraphrasing).

It seems like it happened so long ago because we assumed it was all over. Carrie Prejean had triumphed against the killjoys who said that Miss California shouldn’t pose almost naked in photos or subscribe to an old-fashioned and offensive brand of ideals whereby people are determined to be second-class citizens based on nothing more than their sexuality.

Donald Trump said that Carrie Prejean was pretty enough to keep her Miss California job, and one town even initiated a Carrie Prejean Day, where we assume each citizen was allowed to render no more that one homosexual unconscious using a commemorative ‘I too subscribe to Carrie Prejean’s outmoded belief system’ extendable police nightstick. And that was that. Sure, it may have ruffled a few feathers, but Carrie Prejean kept her job and that was that.

Except, hang on, that wasn’t that at all. Yesterday, completely out of the blue, Donald Trump decided that we was going to sack Carrie Prejean after all. And it must have been serious, because Donald Trump didn’t even use the announcement to try and hawk any of his awful television shows, either. So what was the reason for Carrie Prejean’s sacking? Let’s ask TMZ:

Trump told us Carrie refused to appear at around 30 events on behalf of Miss California USA. He says Prejean was contractually bound to appear and she just wouldn’t do it. He doesn’t think her attitude has anything to do with her politics. Trump said: “To me she was the sweetest thing. Everyone else — she treated like shit.”

So let this be a lesson to any aspiring beauty queens out there – feel free to be as painfully unsympathetic to as many subsections of the community as you like, but remember to say please and thank-you while you do, otherwise you’re out.

Needless to say, Carrie Prejean’s getting her knickers in a twist about being fired like this – but does it really matter? By the sound of it, her official Miss California duties – waving at the poor from a throne, reciting badly-memorised soundbites about world peace, that sort of thing – were getting in the way of her ambition to become the world’s prettiest wingnut bigot. In all honesty it sounds like all parties involved here have partly got what they want, and they should be able to move on individually in a much more positive manner.

Still, let’s hope Carrie Prejean’s Miss California replacement doesn’t cause as much of a stink as her predecessor. We’ve got high hopes for you, Goebbels McRacist-Hatecrime.

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You might think that everybody was utterly bored by Carrie Prejean by now. But you’d be completely wrong.

Because there’s still Miss California co-director Shanna Moakler. Even though Donald Trump has already allowed Carrie Prejean to keep the Miss California title, Shanna Moakler refuses to give up the fight – she’s still there, figuratively standing on the mountaintop waving the flag. Admittedly it’s a flag made out of nobody cares and she’s standing top of Mount Shut Up, but never mind.

Anyway, Shanna Moakler has resigned from her job in protest at Carrie Prejean. Weird, huh? Shanna Moakler had a job?

Although people are generally dismayed by all this nonsense about Carrie Prejean – either because they feel that the basic right to free speech is being eroded or because they’re offended that someone can still harbour such antiquated opinions in 2009 – you have to admit that quite a lot of good has come from it.

For starters, it’s managed to test the limits of human endurance like nothing else before it – it’s been a month already and we haven’t quite thrown ourselves off a bridge at the futility of it all. Secondly, it’s allowed people to write “Get Aids and die you cum swallowing queers“ on the internet under an assumed name which, as everybody can attest, is the absolute pinnacle of bravery. And thirdly it’s reminded us of the existence of Shanna Moakler.

Oh, you know. Shanna Moakler. Not married to the drummer from Blink 182 any more. Possibly punched Paris Hilton in a nightclub once. You remember. Anyway, Shanna Moakler is also the co-director of the Miss California pageant, because instructing a bunch of breathtakingly stupid girls how to walk around in bikinis is apparently a job now.

Or should we say that Shanna Moakler was the co-director of the Miss California pageant – thanks to Donald Trump’s decision to let Carrie Prejean retain her crown, she’s just decided to resign, saying:

“I cannot with a clear conscious move forward supporting and promoting the Miss Universe Organization when I no longer believe in it, or the contracts I signed committing myself as a youth. I want to be a role model for young [women], but now feel it more important to be a role model for my children. I am sorry and hope I have not let any young supporters down but wish them the best of luck in fulfilling their dreams.”

Now, we’re assuming that Shanna Moakler resigned because Carrie Prejean said that all gay people lived in trees and couldn’t use cutlery properly and smelt like old peoples’ beds (we’re paraphrasing) at the Miss USA pageant and not because she posed for about a million naked photos, because Google Images shows that Shanna’s not too sloppy when it comes to that either.

So what next for Shanna Moakler? It’s hard to say for sure, but taking a stand against Donald Trump like this can’t be good. It’s probably ruled her out of the next Celebrity Apprentice, and that’s a shame – as a woman who was formerly married to the drummer in an awful one-hit wonder band from a decade ago, she’d have easily been the most famous contestant there.

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Alright, not forever. But yesterday Donald Trump let Carrie Prejean stay as Miss California despite her nonsense.

It was generous of Donald Trump, since it was thought that Carrie Prejean had violated Miss California law by getting naked for a bunch of photographs and then saying that she didn’t want to live next to any gay people in case they broke into her house in the night and wiped their balls on her face. We’re paraphrasing.

But Carrie Prejean is still Miss California. Admittedly the most disliked Miss California since that child-murdering Nazi goose was accidentally crowned in 1975, but whatever.

Carrie Prejean is a model, and she is a Christian. We know this because Carrie Prejean has repeated it on average 700 times a bloody day ever since she got all like “Urr, gays” at Miss USA last month. And that’s what got her into all this trouble in the first place – not that fact that she won’t shut up about how she secretly thinks that gay people are the root and cause of all human suffering (we’re paraphrasing) but because models are stupid and therefore she’s probably misunderstood quite a large portion of the Bible.

For instance, all that stuff about turning the other cheek? Carrie Prejean clearly took that to mean that she should get her arse out for a photographer. And by doing so she apparently contravened Miss California rule number one, which reads. ‘for crying out loud, lady, could you at least try to keep it in your pants for once?’

Because of this, it looked as if Carrie Prejean’s days as Miss California could be numbered. But that was before kindly Old Man Trump stepped in to save the day with his twinkly eyes and haircut so awful it’s almost like he’s wearing it as a joke. As the owner of the Miss USA contest, Donald Trump was allowed to decide whether Carrie Prejean could keep her job as Miss California or not, as yesterday he decided that she could, saying:

“We’ve reviewed the pictures carefully. We’ve made a determination that the pictures taken were acceptable. Some were risque, but we are in the 21st century… She gave an honorable answer. She gave an answer from her heart, and I think for that she has to be commended.”

Of course Donald Trump forgave Carrie Prejean. He’s got a thing for generosity towards sexy young women with nice boobies, after all – not only did he forgive Tara Conner after she shagged a lot of men on drugs in a pub or something, but he also let Joan Rivers win Celebrity Apprentice this week. And, let’s face it, that woman is a stone-cold fox.

But anyway, the press conference is over and Carrie Prejean is still Miss California, so that should put an end to all this endless petty palaver. Provided, of course, that Carrie Prejean learns from the furore and takes from this the importance of diplomatic silence. What’s that? She said what at the press conference?

“I exercised my freedom of speech and I was punished for doing so. This should not happen in America. It undermines the constitutional rights for which my grandfather fought for (in World War Two). I believe no one should be silenced if they are speaking from their heart. I am a model. I am a Christian.”

Would one of you be able to finish this post off for us? We’re too busy repeatedly smacking our head against our desk.

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Today is a big day for Carrie Prejean. Today Donald Trump decides if she’s allowed to keep her Miss California crown.

If Carrie Prejean remains Miss California, reaction will be mixed. Gay marriage campaigners will obviously see it as a slap in the face. Similarly, it’ll be brilliant news for any other pretty bigots with beauty queen aspirations. No longer will an intolerance for black people or a desire to punch all animals in the face stand between them and very minor fame.

But if Carrie Prejean does go, the pageant directors have lined up a handy-dandy Plan-B alternative.

It’s a well-established fact that a community cannot exist without a beauty queen. Deprive people of their right to be patronisingly waved at by a furiously stupid young woman in a sash sitting on a chair on a slowly-moving flatbed trailer once a year and they’ll end up rioting. Look at Africa – all that starvation and pestilence and stuff only started when beauty queen were abolished.

And that’s why California is in such a panic over Carrie Prejean. The reigning Miss California, Carrie Prejean has ruffled feathers on two fronts. First, she made a regrettable statement about how much gay people make her want to vomit into a bucket – we’re paraphrasing – and then starred in a series of commercials to reinforce the point. Secondly she’s been snapped in a series of increasingly-risque photographs to which the only natural conclusion is a shot of her literally turned inside out at the vagina with an animal dry-humping one of her legs.

Both of these are apparently against the rules of the Miss California competition, which is why Donald Trump plans to hold a press conference later today to tell the world whether Carrie Prejean gets to keep her title or not.

And, right now, nobody knows. On one hand Donald Trump has a history of forgiving wayward beauty queens – like he did when Tara Conner was outed as a drug-addled nymphomanic – but, then again, the Miss California pageant directors have already lined up an alternative, which can’t be good news. USA Today reports:

Keith Lewis and Shanna Moakler, have appointed first runner-up Tami Farrell as “our official Beauty of California ambassador.” Lewis and Moakler have objected to Prejean’s signing on to the National Organization for Marriage’s lobbying team and to Prejean’s failure to acknowledge the topless photos. “For us, the severity of nudity is not the issue,” said Moakler. “The fact that she entered the contest under false pretense is.”

If Tami Farrell does get a promotion to Miss California later today, let’s hope that the directors made a better choice. Because, yes, Carrie Prejean might be a stupid beauty queen, but in truth she probably isn’t stupid enough. Fingers crossed that Tami Farrell is so stupid that she’s forgotten how to use the basic motor functions that allow her to speak. Because if she has, it’d probably save a lot of headaches.

However, if Carrie Prejean is ditched as Miss California, all sorts of people will be up in arms about the erosion of her right to free speech. And to those people we say wait until Carrie Prejean inevitably publishes 15 volumes of her autobiography, stars in six or seven different reality TV shows and becomes such a fixture in magazines and newspapers that you end up being sick of the sight of her.

So, in short, wait until July.

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This stuff about Miss California Carrie Prejean is a mess. It’s a mess that only a man can fix.

OK, not a man. It’s a mess that only a ridiculous shaved bear in a gaudy suit with what appears to be an orangutan’s hairy bottom perched on top of his head can fix. And by that, we clearly mean Donald Trump.

Donald Trump has vowed to personally get to the bottom of Carrie Prejean’s recent anti-gay activities. No, sorry, ‘bottom’ is an unfortunate choice of word. He’s vowed to bum it blind in a nightclub toilet. There, that’s better.

Poor old Carrie Prejean. The only thing she’s guilty of is having skin so orange that everyone within 50 feet of her feels uncomfortable unless they’re wearing a hazmat suit. Sure, she might have accidentally blurted out a torrent of unfortunate anti-gay invective at the Miss USA pageant, but so what? Beauty queens are supposed to be stupid, remember? We prefer beauty queens who genuinely believe that thunder is the sound of clouds banging together or that Narnia is a real country. The thicker the better, that’s the beauty queen rule.

But Carrie Prejean wouldn’t let it lie. Since Miss USA she’s been swept up by the conservative cause and has appeared in anti-gay adverts as well as getting her bottom out for a photograph four years ago. Clearly, things are getting out of hand, with some saying that Carrie Prejean should be stripped of her Miss California title and others saying “BERN ALL THE GAYE KWEERS!!1!”. Admittedly, most of the latter appear to have used the hecklerspray comment section as their soapbox, but whatever.

But don’t worry, because here comes the calvalry. Donald Trump has promised to wade in and sort out the Carrie Prejean issue personally. Why? Here’s why:

1 - Donald Trump is head of the Miss USA organisation and this is his professional responsibility.

2 - Donald Trump realises that this problem can only be solved by a ludicrous man bellowing and jabbing his fingers about a bit.

3 - Donald Trump realises that this has been in the news for over a week and it’s his turn to get some bloody attention, goddamn it.

So tomorrow there’s going to be a press conference, after which we’re never going to hear about any of this again. Hopefully. Fox reports:

Trump said there are “things to look at,” but, “hopefully it will be a positive decision.” … Trump skirted around questions as to whether Prejan’s photos violated any pageant rules. “Most of these girls are models,” Trump said. “They do things that are not necessarily a bad thing. And look, Carrie is a seriously good looking girl. Because of her looks, [they] are making such a big deal with this.”

Donald Trump makes a good point here – people are only getting upset with Carrie Prejean because she’s pretty. The moral here is that you should only be a horrible reactionary bigot if you’ve got a face that looks like a human scrotum stuffed with Stickle Bricks. Which, we think, means that Donald Trump can pretty much say whatever he likes without fear of consequence. It’s a win-win, really.

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