If you’re new to this, here’s a recap: Carrie Prejean made a sex tape when she was 17 and sent it to Larry King.

Or something. What with all the on-air tantrums and over-use of the word ‘inappropriate’ and solo sex tapes that are either illegal or just plain sexy, this Carrie Prejean kerfuffle is exploding off in so many directions that it’s become impossible to contain. What we need is someone to simplify everyone. Someone with an air of natural authority. Someone with a haircut that looks like a monkey’s matted stab wound. That’s right, we need Donald Trump.

And, because this is a thing that has happened and Donald Trump will shrivel up and die unless someone’s constantly paying attention to him, he’s obliged. Hooray.

Say what you like about Carrie Prejean, but she sure knows how to promote a book. In fact, we’re so impressed with Carrie Prejean’s promotional skills that when we come to pen our autobiography, we’re going to paint ourselves orange and make a grubby solo sex tape and then throw a half-hearted tantrum on Larry King’s show too. It’s textbook stuff.

But one question remains about Carrie Prejean. No, it’s not ‘when do we get to see that video of Carrie Prejean thrashing away at her genitals?’ and it’s not ‘why didn’t Carrie Prejean leave Larry King’s studio instead of just sitting there flapping her mouth around like some sort of awful bellend?’ – it’s ‘what does Donald Trump make of all this?’

It’s important to know what Donald Trump’s take on the Carrie Prejean saga is, for three reasons:

1) As the boss of the Miss USA pageant, Donald Trump has been inextricably linked to Carrie Prejean for some time now. In his time, Donald has both defended Carrie and sanctioned her sacking. He knows how she ticks.

2) Any time a news story reaches a certain level, a light starts blinking in Donald Trump’s office and he feels the necessity to start barking his barely-formed opinion about it into the nearest camera. This is a mark that the Carrie Prejean sex tape story has hit the big time.

3) Donald Trump knows that if he starts wading in on this issue, his profoundly odd appearance will act as a counter-balance to the general level of horniness surrounding the Carrie Prejean sex tape. Seriously, try to masturbate with an image of Donald Trump in the back of your mind without crying. It’s impossible.

That said, what does Donald Trump think of this Carrie Prejean mess? Let’s find out:

“‘Inappropriate’ is more of a sexual term, as far as I’m concerned…I mean — inappropriate? He asked a very, very easy question and I was surprised that she just didn’t say, ‘Hey, listen, I can’t answer that question.’ Instead she wants to walk off the stage? It was very surprising.”

So that’s that sorted out, then. Join us next week, when Sir Alan Sugar will rub his hands together, puff out his cheeks and shout the word “Cor!” a lot when he’s asked for his opinion about the Jennifer Lopez sex tape. Or something.

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Do you like models? Do you like Christians? Do you like people who are both of those things and never ever shut up about it?

You do? You’re in for a treat – Carrie Prejean is back in the news! Notice that we didn’t refer to her as ‘Miss California Carrie Prejean’, by the way. That’s because she’s not Miss California any more – Donald Trump has just belatedly given her the boot.

Depending on who you listen to, Carrie Prejean was sacked for any number of reasons – but let’s just save time and say it’s because she’s a genuinely unlovable turdswan.

That whole Carrie Prejean flap seems like it happened ages ago, doesn’t it? So much so that we’re already sitting our fictional grandchildren down on our knee and telling them about the magical time long ago when a reasonably pretty woman decided to use the 10 seconds she was allotted in a beauty contest to blather on about how gay people are all icky and every time she sees two men holding hands she compulsively vomits and poos at the same time (we’re paraphrasing).

It seems like it happened so long ago because we assumed it was all over. Carrie Prejean had triumphed against the killjoys who said that Miss California shouldn’t pose almost naked in photos or subscribe to an old-fashioned and offensive brand of ideals whereby people are determined to be second-class citizens based on nothing more than their sexuality.

Donald Trump said that Carrie Prejean was pretty enough to keep her Miss California job, and one town even initiated a Carrie Prejean Day, where we assume each citizen was allowed to render no more that one homosexual unconscious using a commemorative ‘I too subscribe to Carrie Prejean’s outmoded belief system’ extendable police nightstick. And that was that. Sure, it may have ruffled a few feathers, but Carrie Prejean kept her job and that was that.

Except, hang on, that wasn’t that at all. Yesterday, completely out of the blue, Donald Trump decided that we was going to sack Carrie Prejean after all. And it must have been serious, because Donald Trump didn’t even use the announcement to try and hawk any of his awful television shows, either. So what was the reason for Carrie Prejean’s sacking? Let’s ask TMZ:

Trump told us Carrie refused to appear at around 30 events on behalf of Miss California USA. He says Prejean was contractually bound to appear and she just wouldn’t do it. He doesn’t think her attitude has anything to do with her politics. Trump said: “To me she was the sweetest thing. Everyone else — she treated like shit.”

So let this be a lesson to any aspiring beauty queens out there – feel free to be as painfully unsympathetic to as many subsections of the community as you like, but remember to say please and thank-you while you do, otherwise you’re out.

Needless to say, Carrie Prejean’s getting her knickers in a twist about being fired like this – but does it really matter? By the sound of it, her official Miss California duties – waving at the poor from a throne, reciting badly-memorised soundbites about world peace, that sort of thing – were getting in the way of her ambition to become the world’s prettiest wingnut bigot. In all honesty it sounds like all parties involved here have partly got what they want, and they should be able to move on individually in a much more positive manner.

Still, let’s hope Carrie Prejean’s Miss California replacement doesn’t cause as much of a stink as her predecessor. We’ve got high hopes for you, Goebbels McRacist-Hatecrime.

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You might think that everybody was utterly bored by Carrie Prejean by now. But you’d be completely wrong.

Because there’s still Miss California co-director Shanna Moakler. Even though Donald Trump has already allowed Carrie Prejean to keep the Miss California title, Shanna Moakler refuses to give up the fight – she’s still there, figuratively standing on the mountaintop waving the flag. Admittedly it’s a flag made out of nobody cares and she’s standing top of Mount Shut Up, but never mind.

Anyway, Shanna Moakler has resigned from her job in protest at Carrie Prejean. Weird, huh? Shanna Moakler had a job?

Although people are generally dismayed by all this nonsense about Carrie Prejean – either because they feel that the basic right to free speech is being eroded or because they’re offended that someone can still harbour such antiquated opinions in 2009 – you have to admit that quite a lot of good has come from it.

For starters, it’s managed to test the limits of human endurance like nothing else before it – it’s been a month already and we haven’t quite thrown ourselves off a bridge at the futility of it all. Secondly, it’s allowed people to write “Get Aids and die you cum swallowing queers“ on the internet under an assumed name which, as everybody can attest, is the absolute pinnacle of bravery. And thirdly it’s reminded us of the existence of Shanna Moakler.

Oh, you know. Shanna Moakler. Not married to the drummer from Blink 182 any more. Possibly punched Paris Hilton in a nightclub once. You remember. Anyway, Shanna Moakler is also the co-director of the Miss California pageant, because instructing a bunch of breathtakingly stupid girls how to walk around in bikinis is apparently a job now.

Or should we say that Shanna Moakler was the co-director of the Miss California pageant – thanks to Donald Trump’s decision to let Carrie Prejean retain her crown, she’s just decided to resign, saying:

“I cannot with a clear conscious move forward supporting and promoting the Miss Universe Organization when I no longer believe in it, or the contracts I signed committing myself as a youth. I want to be a role model for young [women], but now feel it more important to be a role model for my children. I am sorry and hope I have not let any young supporters down but wish them the best of luck in fulfilling their dreams.”

Now, we’re assuming that Shanna Moakler resigned because Carrie Prejean said that all gay people lived in trees and couldn’t use cutlery properly and smelt like old peoples’ beds (we’re paraphrasing) at the Miss USA pageant and not because she posed for about a million naked photos, because Google Images shows that Shanna’s not too sloppy when it comes to that either.

So what next for Shanna Moakler? It’s hard to say for sure, but taking a stand against Donald Trump like this can’t be good. It’s probably ruled her out of the next Celebrity Apprentice, and that’s a shame – as a woman who was formerly married to the drummer in an awful one-hit wonder band from a decade ago, she’d have easily been the most famous contestant there.

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Alright, not forever. But yesterday Donald Trump let Carrie Prejean stay as Miss California despite her nonsense.

It was generous of Donald Trump, since it was thought that Carrie Prejean had violated Miss California law by getting naked for a bunch of photographs and then saying that she didn’t want to live next to any gay people in case they broke into her house in the night and wiped their balls on her face. We’re paraphrasing.

But Carrie Prejean is still Miss California. Admittedly the most disliked Miss California since that child-murdering Nazi goose was accidentally crowned in 1975, but whatever.

Carrie Prejean is a model, and she is a Christian. We know this because Carrie Prejean has repeated it on average 700 times a bloody day ever since she got all like “Urr, gays” at Miss USA last month. And that’s what got her into all this trouble in the first place – not that fact that she won’t shut up about how she secretly thinks that gay people are the root and cause of all human suffering (we’re paraphrasing) but because models are stupid and therefore she’s probably misunderstood quite a large portion of the Bible.

For instance, all that stuff about turning the other cheek? Carrie Prejean clearly took that to mean that she should get her arse out for a photographer. And by doing so she apparently contravened Miss California rule number one, which reads. ‘for crying out loud, lady, could you at least try to keep it in your pants for once?’

Because of this, it looked as if Carrie Prejean’s days as Miss California could be numbered. But that was before kindly Old Man Trump stepped in to save the day with his twinkly eyes and haircut so awful it’s almost like he’s wearing it as a joke. As the owner of the Miss USA contest, Donald Trump was allowed to decide whether Carrie Prejean could keep her job as Miss California or not, as yesterday he decided that she could, saying:

“We’ve reviewed the pictures carefully. We’ve made a determination that the pictures taken were acceptable. Some were risque, but we are in the 21st century… She gave an honorable answer. She gave an answer from her heart, and I think for that she has to be commended.”

Of course Donald Trump forgave Carrie Prejean. He’s got a thing for generosity towards sexy young women with nice boobies, after all – not only did he forgive Tara Conner after she shagged a lot of men on drugs in a pub or something, but he also let Joan Rivers win Celebrity Apprentice this week. And, let’s face it, that woman is a stone-cold fox.

But anyway, the press conference is over and Carrie Prejean is still Miss California, so that should put an end to all this endless petty palaver. Provided, of course, that Carrie Prejean learns from the furore and takes from this the importance of diplomatic silence. What’s that? She said what at the press conference?

“I exercised my freedom of speech and I was punished for doing so. This should not happen in America. It undermines the constitutional rights for which my grandfather fought for (in World War Two). I believe no one should be silenced if they are speaking from their heart. I am a model. I am a Christian.”

Would one of you be able to finish this post off for us? We’re too busy repeatedly smacking our head against our desk.

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Today is a big day for Carrie Prejean. Today Donald Trump decides if she’s allowed to keep her Miss California crown.

If Carrie Prejean remains Miss California, reaction will be mixed. Gay marriage campaigners will obviously see it as a slap in the face. Similarly, it’ll be brilliant news for any other pretty bigots with beauty queen aspirations. No longer will an intolerance for black people or a desire to punch all animals in the face stand between them and very minor fame.

But if Carrie Prejean does go, the pageant directors have lined up a handy-dandy Plan-B alternative.

It’s a well-established fact that a community cannot exist without a beauty queen. Deprive people of their right to be patronisingly waved at by a furiously stupid young woman in a sash sitting on a chair on a slowly-moving flatbed trailer once a year and they’ll end up rioting. Look at Africa – all that starvation and pestilence and stuff only started when beauty queen were abolished.

And that’s why California is in such a panic over Carrie Prejean. The reigning Miss California, Carrie Prejean has ruffled feathers on two fronts. First, she made a regrettable statement about how much gay people make her want to vomit into a bucket – we’re paraphrasing – and then starred in a series of commercials to reinforce the point. Secondly she’s been snapped in a series of increasingly-risque photographs to which the only natural conclusion is a shot of her literally turned inside out at the vagina with an animal dry-humping one of her legs.

Both of these are apparently against the rules of the Miss California competition, which is why Donald Trump plans to hold a press conference later today to tell the world whether Carrie Prejean gets to keep her title or not.

And, right now, nobody knows. On one hand Donald Trump has a history of forgiving wayward beauty queens – like he did when Tara Conner was outed as a drug-addled nymphomanic – but, then again, the Miss California pageant directors have already lined up an alternative, which can’t be good news. USA Today reports:

Keith Lewis and Shanna Moakler, have appointed first runner-up Tami Farrell as “our official Beauty of California ambassador.” Lewis and Moakler have objected to Prejean’s signing on to the National Organization for Marriage’s lobbying team and to Prejean’s failure to acknowledge the topless photos. “For us, the severity of nudity is not the issue,” said Moakler. “The fact that she entered the contest under false pretense is.”

If Tami Farrell does get a promotion to Miss California later today, let’s hope that the directors made a better choice. Because, yes, Carrie Prejean might be a stupid beauty queen, but in truth she probably isn’t stupid enough. Fingers crossed that Tami Farrell is so stupid that she’s forgotten how to use the basic motor functions that allow her to speak. Because if she has, it’d probably save a lot of headaches.

However, if Carrie Prejean is ditched as Miss California, all sorts of people will be up in arms about the erosion of her right to free speech. And to those people we say wait until Carrie Prejean inevitably publishes 15 volumes of her autobiography, stars in six or seven different reality TV shows and becomes such a fixture in magazines and newspapers that you end up being sick of the sight of her.

So, in short, wait until July.

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This stuff about Miss California Carrie Prejean is a mess. It’s a mess that only a man can fix.

OK, not a man. It’s a mess that only a ridiculous shaved bear in a gaudy suit with what appears to be an orangutan’s hairy bottom perched on top of his head can fix. And by that, we clearly mean Donald Trump.

Donald Trump has vowed to personally get to the bottom of Carrie Prejean’s recent anti-gay activities. No, sorry, ‘bottom’ is an unfortunate choice of word. He’s vowed to bum it blind in a nightclub toilet. There, that’s better.

Poor old Carrie Prejean. The only thing she’s guilty of is having skin so orange that everyone within 50 feet of her feels uncomfortable unless they’re wearing a hazmat suit. Sure, she might have accidentally blurted out a torrent of unfortunate anti-gay invective at the Miss USA pageant, but so what? Beauty queens are supposed to be stupid, remember? We prefer beauty queens who genuinely believe that thunder is the sound of clouds banging together or that Narnia is a real country. The thicker the better, that’s the beauty queen rule.

But Carrie Prejean wouldn’t let it lie. Since Miss USA she’s been swept up by the conservative cause and has appeared in anti-gay adverts as well as getting her bottom out for a photograph four years ago. Clearly, things are getting out of hand, with some saying that Carrie Prejean should be stripped of her Miss California title and others saying “BERN ALL THE GAYE KWEERS!!1!”. Admittedly, most of the latter appear to have used the hecklerspray comment section as their soapbox, but whatever.

But don’t worry, because here comes the calvalry. Donald Trump has promised to wade in and sort out the Carrie Prejean issue personally. Why? Here’s why:

1 - Donald Trump is head of the Miss USA organisation and this is his professional responsibility.

2 - Donald Trump realises that this problem can only be solved by a ludicrous man bellowing and jabbing his fingers about a bit.

3 - Donald Trump realises that this has been in the news for over a week and it’s his turn to get some bloody attention, goddamn it.

So tomorrow there’s going to be a press conference, after which we’re never going to hear about any of this again. Hopefully. Fox reports:

Trump said there are “things to look at,” but, “hopefully it will be a positive decision.” … Trump skirted around questions as to whether Prejan’s photos violated any pageant rules. “Most of these girls are models,” Trump said. “They do things that are not necessarily a bad thing. And look, Carrie is a seriously good looking girl. Because of her looks, [they] are making such a big deal with this.”

Donald Trump makes a good point here – people are only getting upset with Carrie Prejean because she’s pretty. The moral here is that you should only be a horrible reactionary bigot if you’ve got a face that looks like a human scrotum stuffed with Stickle Bricks. Which, we think, means that Donald Trump can pretty much say whatever he likes without fear of consequence. It’s a win-win, really.

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What is the one thing The Apprentice has taught us? That’s right, that emotion has no place in the business environment.

And that’s probably why Joan Rivers won Celebrity Apprentice last night – thanks to all the plastic surgery she’s had, the only emotion she can ever properly display is a kind of constant resigned shock. But let’s stick to the point here – Joan Rivers won Celebrity Apprentice last night.

So congratulations, Joan Rivers – you’re now officially as good as Piers Morgan. Please celebrate this fact in the appropriate way, by which we mean either sobbing relentlessly or haplessly attempting suicide.

We get the feeling that this season of the British Apprentice has already peaked – especially now that the self-satisfied bellend with the voice like The Futureheads has been fired – but even if it hadn’t peaked, it would still have some way to go to top the heady heights of last night’s live three-hour Celebrity Apprentice finale in America.

Yes, you read that right. Three hours. Three full hours of watching Donald Trump’s contorted pink face bellow and puff in a series of ever-more disturbing ways beneath that ridiculous orange pube-bale that he tries to pass off as a haircut.

And live, too, so anything could happen, so long as by ‘anything’ you mean ‘developing deep-vein thrombosis in your arse while praying that the sleeping pills you desperately shovelled into your face at the midway point hurry up and kick in’.

Anyway, the eventual winner of Celebrity Apprentice was Joan Rivers. If anything, winning Celebrity Apprentice was Joan River’s reward for utilising her impressively diverse arsenal of business tactics throughout the show, from hardline straight-talking to fiery diva fits to intimidating would-be customers with her terrifying shiny frightmask of a face. BuddyTV reports on the Celebrity Apprentice finale, which saw Joan Rivers pitted against poker player Annie Duke:

The finale challenge–which had the remaining two contenders raise money by selling Cirque du Soleil tickets and providing a pre-show VIP party–saw Annie way ahead in earnings than Joan. While Annie also won props for integrating her charity well with the challenge, Joan took home points for attracting bigger celebrities and integrating another sponsor, Kodak, into the fore better.

So whether Joan Rivers deserved to win Celebrity Apprentice is still up for contention, but you still have to hand it to her for the tenacity she showed by beating all those other people we’ve never heard of. Her success is proof that 75-year-old women can still succeed in this world, but only so long as they’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on having a number of age-defying surgical procedures on their faces to a varying degree of success and are especially bitter about everything.

But what did Joan Rivers win? This was Celebrity Apprentice, remember, so the prize wasn’t going to be a job with Donald Trump. Instead, Joan Rivers won some money for a charity and, if there’s any justice in the world, a bout of Trump-sex so overwhelmingly nightmarish that your eyes would fall out if you even gave it any serious thought.

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But then you think success. And that’s why today’s news must be incredibly humiliating for Donald Trump – the casino firm that bears his name has filed for bankruptcy.

Still, Donald Trump has absolved himself of any responsibility in the demise of his casinos, and the next Apprentice season will carry on as normal, with a group of hard-nosed businessmen fighting for the chance to sell stolen DVD players from the boot of Trump’s car in a B&Q carpark.

It’s probably fair to say that the recession has hit the world harder than anybody can imagine. Business are going under, families are losing their homes and – perhaps worst of all – that Isla Fisher movie about the woman who spends a lot of money only got to number four in the weekend box office. It’s a disaster.

One person likely to feel the effects of the recession more than anyone else, though, is Donald Trump. Not only is he in charge of a gigantic real estate company in a time when people can barely afford to eat, let alone buy massive apartments covered in gold; but he’s also in charge of The Apprentice, a show which promotes exactly the sort of ruthless risk-taking that got us all into this fix in the first place.

Also, we don’t even want to go into all the nightmarish things that’ll happen to Donald Trump’s head should the hair-care industry go under. We come out in hives just thinking about it.

And Donald Trump is already beginning to feel the chill, because one of the businesses operating under his name – casino firm Trump Entertainment Resorts, of which Trump owns 28% – has just filed for bankruptcy after missing a $53 million interest payment on its $1.7 billion debt.

News like this would usually leave egg all over the public face of the company, but not Donald Trump. That’s partly because his fringe shutters down like a riot shield any time it senses egg-proximity, and partly because Donald Trump wants everyone to know that the Trump Entertainment Resorts bankruptcy is definitely not his fault. The Financial Times reports:

In a stinging statement released last week following his resignation from the board, Mr Trump laid the blame for the group’s demise squarely on the bondholders. He accused their representatives of making “a series of bad decisions” and said they had “encouraged wasteful spending, which has led to severe problems with the company”.

It’s a relief that Donald Trump wasn’t in control of Trump Entertainment Resorts as it went under, because being in charge of a failing casino – the only business where you’re allowed to smash peoples’ knees in with a baseball bat if you start to make a loss – at a time when there should be lines of people grimly pumping their remaining few dollars into a machine in the desperate hope that it’ll pay out enough for them to feed their family would be massively embarrassing.

Not as embarrassing as that haircut, mind you, but it’d be close.

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That’s why Donald Trump is wheeling out another season of Celebrity Apprentice. And, boy, are there some names this year. None of them are famous, you understand, but they do have names.

Apparently the media were informed about the Celebrity Apprentice contestants back in October, but were sworn to secrecy until now. Presumably this was because they needed three and a half months to Google the contestants to see who any of them actually were.

While the British version of The Apprentice is holding up surprisingly well – largely because of its elegance and determination to stick to a winning formula – Donald Trump’s original Apprentice has been on life support for longer than we can remember.

And that’s probably because there are so many different versions of it. The Apprentice, The Apprentice: Martha Stewart, the bewilderingly thought-out tent-dwelling The Apprentice: LA and the soon-to-be-aired The Apprentice: Glovepuppets, Domestic Pets & Industrial Machinery Edition.

And then there’s Celebrity Apprentice, the show where nobody becomes an apprentice and there aren’t any celebrities. Last year saw the debut of Celebrity Apprentice, a nailbiter of a show which was ultimately won by… oh, who cares who won? It’s not like anybody actually watched the bloody thing, is it?

However, resigned to the fact that the only thing that can stop Donald Trump turfing over Scotland, constructing the world’s most eye-bleedingly tasteless bar in the middle of it and reopening it as an executive golf course for wankers is to let him jab his stumpy little fingers at a bunch of people who might have been slightly famous about 20 years ago, NBC has decided to bring back Celebrity Apprentice for a second season.

The new season of Celebrity Apprentice starts in March, but that’s not what you want to know, is it? You want to know who’ll be taking part. So, just for you, here’s the full list of the 16 new Celebrity Apprentice contestants:

Clint Black: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Andrew Dice Clay: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Annie Duke: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Tom Green: FAMOUS FOR – wanking off a horse.

Natalie Gulbis: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Scott Hamilton: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Jesse James: FAMOUS FOR – we think Cher might have sung a song about him once.

Claudia Jordan: FAMOUS FOR – being a box-monkey on Deal Or No Deal, which essentially makes her the American version of this turd.

Khloe Kardashian: FAMOUS FOR – being the sister of a woman who had it off with a man on the internet.

Brian McKnight: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Joan Rivers: FAMOUS FOR – swearing on live TV.

Melissa Rivers: FAMOUS FOR – being the only woman on Earth to look several decades older than her own mother.

Brande Roderick: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Dennis Rodman: FAMOUS FOR – being the most unresponsive person to ever appear on a reality TV show.

Herschel Walker: FAMOUS FOR – don’t know.

Tionne “T-Boz” Watkins: FAMOUS FOR – being half of the members of TLC who aren’t dead.

There. You don’t even have to watch it now. Thank us later.

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Donald Trump, at least momentarily, thought it would be a pretty good idea to have Mills sitting in his Celebrity Apprentice boardroom. We don’t blame him – she’d scuff the carpet 50% less than anyone else, vastly elongating the life of whatever carpet is involved. That’s why Trump’s a millionaire – he thinks about the little things like that.

Ends up though that Mills isn’t welcome on that show. According to rumour, she demanded a contractual stipulation that said if she appeared on the show, she’d be guaranteed a spot in the finale.

America likes to look at Heather Mills, but not for an entire season at a time. Watching her limp around everywhere she goes is enough to make a viewer’s own knees hurt, and that can only lead to a channel change.

On Celebrity Apprentice she would have been tolerable only so long as the competitive tasks included things like protecting baby seals with Paul McCartney’s jagged frozen corpse, and also getting a long drawn out divorce from that same dead body, or those same defended baby seals.

If the team competitions included things like that, Mills would soar to the finale on wings of the purest gold. That’s a metaphor for ‘with great ease.’ It was first made popular with the Mesopotamians, and later caught on well with the Roman culture.

But Donald Trump knows it would be foolish to give Mills such a tremendous advantage over the other contestants. No, she’d be on level playing ground with everyone else – and her chances of going home would be exactly the same as her competitors.

Perhaps that’s why when NBC approached her to be in the coming season, it was reported that she agreed only so long as she was guaranteed to be a finalist.

The Sun says:

“HEATHER MILLS lost a role in the US version of Celebrity Apprentice — after demanding a clause in her contract guaranteeing a place in the final. Mills…was lined up to take part in the reality TV hit…But producers at US network NBC got cold feet when she insisted she appear in the final regardless of her success in the show’s tasks. Producers refused, even though she headed the list of celebrities they wanted for the programme.”

We heard her contract also had a clause to provide her with love, life-long companionship and new leg made from sausage and pig tendons, but the NBC department that usually provides that kind of stuff is booked clean through ’til March.

We didn’t actually hear that.

To get noticed purely for being a no-talent twit with all the affability of a particularly itchy and prominently positioned boil, that is.

We at the mighty hecklerspray wouldn’t know about this from first-hand experience, of course, as we are friendly, approachable, talented and popular. As well as influential. But we learn how difficult it must be for these not-even-Z-listers that pop up every now and then when yet another publicity grabbing event occurs.

This time it’s the turn of Omarosa. Wait – who?

Ah – a ‘reality star’. Code, in this post-9/11 world for ‘utter nobody that for some reason still pollutes the airwaves with their pointless presence’. Or: ‘the American version of Jade Goody‘. Pointless, pointless people that drift through existence on a diet fit for a king, known by passers-by and actually liked by some members of the public. Solely because they once did one thing on some TV show or another.

Yes, this is the camp that Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth falls firmly into. And she’s helped her ‘I have nothing worthwhile to contribute to society’ quota no end with an appearance on The Wendy Williams Show on Monday, where she proceeded to have an argument with the host and generally be something of an attention-seeking waste of space.

Apparently irritated by the introduction she recieved to the show, Omarosa proceeded to rant, snatch back her book she was there to promote (probably called ‘How To Lose Friends, Alienate People, And Register Even Lower On The Celebrity Scale Than Toby Young’) and mock host Wendy Williams’ looks.

Well, it’s certainly an interesting take on the whole chat show guest thing, kind of bringing in a new level of idiocy to proceedings. Why bother politely accepting the fact that you’ve been deemed worthy of appearing on national television and are allowed a few minutes of time, to yourself, to hock whatever it is you want to sell to the plebs this week when you can be a complete knob about things and make the public that already dislike you hate you even more?

But hey, at least Wendy Williams managed to respond in a professional and thoroughly correct manner to the whole debacle, telling the Associated Press that she believed Omarosa to be:

“A delusional, D-list, pathetic woman.”

Now that’s a quote well and truly worthy of the giganto quote marks. Fancy a job at hecklerspray, Wendy?

Check it out for yourselves, folks:

That hasn't stopped suspiciously-haired zillionaire Donald Trump from name-dropping Ms. Mills in relation to the new series of US show The Celebrity Apprentice, however.

After the last batch of episodes featured such luminaries as Lennox Lewis, Piers Morgan, Gene Simmons and that bloke who was shot on a boat in The Sopranos, Trump has confirmed that several wannabes have been angling for a slot in the new run… and that the ex-Ms. McCartney was among them.

Trump waffled thus:

"Because The Apprentice did so well last time around, lots of people want to be on it. Including Heather Mills. We start shooting in four weeks. The names will be revealed then." 

Should Mills take part, she'll be required to give any winnings to a charity of her choice, which will no doubt increase the time she spends campaigning from 23 hours a day to 37, thereby tearing a rip in the fabric of time and possibility that may well affect the strip lighting mechanics over at Trump Towers.

Seems a bit unfair, to be honest – giving all that cash away when her poor five-year-old daughter is trying desperately to survive on a diet of twigs, moss and collected rainwater. Or was that £36,000-per-year? We can never remember.

Anyway – as the D-Man said – the show enters production in a month or so, which is presumably when you can expect to see Heather taking part in embarrassing corporate stunts and hawking arbitrary products on QVC. Which – in some parallel non-Beatle-marrying universe – she's been doing for the last six years anyway.

Also there’d be live sugar-craving geese in there with them – pecking away at unspecified things.

That show would be great indeed – and we’d watch it too. It’s a tragedy then, that it will never get made. Because in the next Celebrity Apprentice, D. Trump will come face to face with a murderer! We meant with an accused murderer! And might be killed himself! But probably not!

Keep in mind that nothing’s been finalised, but rumor has it that OJ Simpson wants him a slice of Apprentice.

Somebody re-word that last bit.

The best part about OJ Simpson wanting to take part in Donald Trump’s next Apprentice season is that we get to tell the murder jokes we’ve been dying to pass on! What’s that? We didn’t hear you because we had something in our throat and we were coffin! We’d better end this story soon because we currently find ourselves in the unfortunate circumstance of… getting stabbed!

Now let’s just hold on a minute.

This is getting out of hand. Why don’t we just turn things over to The NY Post:

It looks like there could be “killer” ratings in store for TV’s “The Celebrity Apprentice” if OJ Simpson gets his way. Page Six has learned the creepy double-murder acquittee has asked Donald Trump to allow him to appear on the top-rated NBC show next season. “Simpson really wants to do it. Trump and NBC are thinking about it, but are being very cautious,” our source said. “There’s a certain amount of heat associated with Simpson.”

We’ve heard Simpson was able to get his audience with Trump by waiting under his bed all day until he came home. If a deal is made, ratings will probably soar and Trump will get all his children back. We don’t remember where we heard that, but we swear its almost completely true. By some standard.

We think a reality Trump/Simpson combo is a pretty good idea, although The Apprentice may be the wrong platform. Trump’s newer idea though – where he wants to teach Spitzer’s slut-bag manners, that’s the one we really want to see Simpson in. He could be the guy that teaches her proper table etiquette – like knife handling.

Honestly, we could go on all day. Now what if Simpson was on that show, but instead of teaching – he learns. Trump has experts teaching Simpson lessons. It could be like a rehab thing. Season 2 could have Ted Kaczyinski and #3 could be the Olympic Park bomber. Or the bear he wrestled.

See, now we’re getting somewhere.

Read More:

Source: O.J. Simpson Wants to Be on ‘The Apprentice’ – Fox News

We’re just kidding. Donald Trump and Ivana Trump aren’t classy at all – they’re essentially just incredibly wealthy chavs who don’t like anything unless it’s covered in repulsive amounts of gold – but they still like each other, and that was our original point.

How much do Donald Trump and Ivana Trump like each other? So much that when Ivana Trump got married for the fourth time this weekend, she got married on Donald Trump’s estate. In front of Donald Trump. In a ceremony conducted by Donald Trump’s sister. There’s a rumour that Ivana Trump will also only make love to her new husband if he’s wearing a Donald Trump facemask, but that’s probably untrue because – christ – imagine having sex with Donald Trump. Bleurgh.

If you’ve seen Donald Trump’s The Apprentice lately, then… no, let’s start again. Nobody has seen Donald Trump’s The Apprentice lately.

Anyway, Donald Trump is a man known for his cutthroat business attitudes, his merciless self-promotion and his haircut that looks like a monkey’s buttock combover. His love for other human beings, however, isn’t exactly high on the list.

But oddly, Donald Trump still seems to have a small amount of affection for his ex-wife Ivana Trump. And quite right too – Donald and Ivana shared 13 years of such narcissistic marriage that they called the children they had together Donald, Ivanka and, um, Eric. It’s grisly, but it sounds like it worked.

It must have done, because Ivana Trump married her fourth husband on Saturday, and Donald Trump’s presence was felt so strongly that they may as well have balanced comedy ginger wigs on all the wedding balloons too, as People reports:

Ivana Maria Trump married Rossano Rubicondi Saturday before 500 friends and family members at Mar-a-Lago, the Palm Beach estate of her ex, Donald Trump… The ceremony was conducted by Judge Maryanne Trump Barry, The Donald’s sister, and was attended by the man himself… Guests, including actor George Hamilton and Kathy and Rick Hilton, will dine in the gold and white Grand Ballroom amid thousands of flowers, the same room where Donald and Melania Trump hosted their wedding dinner three years ago.

So, just to recap – Ivana Trump’s wedding took place at Donald Trump’s estate, in front of Donald Trump, with Donald Trump’s sister acting as the vicar, with the reception held in the exact same room as Donald Trump’s last marriage. Nope, nothing creepy about that at all, then.

Ivana Trump’s new husband Rossano Rubicondi deserves some sort of prize for putting up with all this, don’t you think? After all, nothing can be quite as emasculating as getting married in a wedding that’s been heavily influenced by your wife’s billionaire ex-husband.

Not only that, but Rossano must be having his doubts about his own attractiveness as well. After all, Donald Trump is clearly Ivana Trump’s type, so Rossano must know that on some level he shares some characteristics with Donald Trump, and that’s a hard piece of fact to live with. Someone give the poor man a medal.

Read more:

Ivana Trump Marries for the Fourth Time - People

And in a case like this our sweet caring planet isn’t quick to forget. No, in the 35 or so years since the film came out, body-whores have been treated like wined and dined, absolute upper-crust royalty. That’s why they don’t pay taxes. The body-whore is far too sensitive a creature to have to pay taxes. Also there are several government programs designed to give them leopard-spotted spandex pants for free. This is an essential tool to their trade.

The globally accepted widespread affinity to the oldest profession has sparked many acts of good nature. Why, even recently an outreached hand has been extended to a wonderful, wonderful twenty-something night-lady. Donald Trump has recently offered Spitzer's harlot a gig on his new reality show.

We heard it’s mostly like the Apprentice but with slightly more AIDS tests and the winner gets a cathouse. If it's produced well enough, it could very well lead to another 1932 Nuremberg Pulitzer.

Say what you will, But Donald Trump knows how to make money. For those of you who may doubt this, take a look at his hit TV show, his real estate business, his casino, and the fact that at the 2006 World Fair his booth where you could pay to lift his hair and look under it made over $3 billion alone. Not bad seeing as he would have only sat there two hours. Also take a look at the prostitutes that work for him – there's money right there.

We know what you're thinking – 'The Donald must have gone hip hop,' but rest assured he hasn't. He's still the same Rosie hating, Mills hiring, Miss America almost firing guy we've all come to love ever since Bloom County brilliantly stuck him in the body of Bill the Cat. What we're saying is this – Trump's not hiring prostitutes in a pimp sort of way, probably because proper pimp-grills don't fit over his teeth. He's trying to hire prostitutes to make them horny and famous. Not so much horny.

Specifically he's trying to stick Ashley Alexandra Dupré, the long-in-the-face hooker who we think Owen Wilson's character was based on, with a reality TV gig. As reported in the Daily News:

"Donald Trump is hoping to land New York's tramp of the moment, gubernatorial hooker Ashley Alexandra Dupré, for his latest TV venture. In the show, a modern version of "My Fair Lady," girls gone wild are sent to a charm school, where they undergo a strict course on debutante manners."

Careful there Donald. Hookers are only good for two things – being the subjects of lonely fat people's poetry and housing pubic-flies.

Neither of those would be worthwhile in an hour-long weekly format. Careful Donald.

Read More:

Donald Trump Wants Spitzer Call-Girl For New TV Show – Blogging Stocks