On an average day, hecklerspray gets inundated with hundreds of emailed press releases. Some are good, most are boring and a tiny minority are so awful they actually defy definition.

Welcome to another edition of Press Release Purgatory, where we show you some of the mind-curdling crap we receive. THIS WEEK: Dina Lohan’s new shoe collection, which is entitled Shoe-Han. Yes, you read that right. Shoe-Han.

We hate our lives. Read the press release in full after the jump…

From: XXXXXXXXXX
Date: 2009/10/7 at 17:01
Subject: DINA LOHAN, ONE OF THE WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS MOTHERS TO ANNOUNCE HER OWN DESIGNER SHOELINE ”SHOE-HAN” AND BECOME NATIONAL SPOKESMODEL AT NEWS CONFERENCE ON THURS OCT 8TH-2pm NYC
To: hecklerspray

DINA LOHAN, ONE OF THE WORLD’S MOST FAMOUS MOTHERS TO ANNOUNCE HER OWN  DESIGNER SHOELINE ”SHOE-HAN” AND BECOME NATIONAL SPOKESMODEL AT NEWS CONFERENCE ON THURS OCT 8TH-2pm NYC

Dina Lohan, diva and star of the hit E! show “Living Lohan,” as well as  mother to actress and starlet Lindsay, will be holding a major press conference and media reception on Thursday October, 8th at 2pm at Trump Plaza, 725 5th Avenue, Floor 21, Marc Fisher showroom, to announce a creation of  her new own shoe line, “Shoe-han” as well as becoming a  national spokesmodel for the popular LoveMyShoes.com retail designer ladies footwear stores.

Other celebrities that have sold millions of shoes include: Vanessa Hudgens, Jessica Simpson, Gwen Stefani, Star Jones, Carlos Santana and more.

LoveMyShoes.com hopes to have Dina’s shoes available world-wide from coast to coast by Mother’s Day. She will be appearing as a shoe fashionista later this on month on television and radio commercials. The shoe store chain was founded on Long Island, home of the Lohan family.

To reiterate: we hate our lives.

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If a number of items described as ‘tatty’, ‘mangy’ and ‘reeking of cigarettes’ start appearing on eBay, you know why.

It’s because Lindsay Lohan has been robbed. According to reports, Lindsay Lohan is shaken following an apparent burglary at her home this weekend. We know – Lindsay Lohan’s apparently got stuff worth stealing. Who’d have guessed?

Although Lindsay wasn’t at home at the time, the thieves broke into her safe, swiping bags, clothes and jewellery in the process. Also reported stolen was Lindsay Lohan’s dignity, but that might just be an insurance fiddle – because, honestly, that thing’s been missing for years.

Do you like collecting boxes of unsold I Know Who Killed Me DVDs? Do you have a rampant phobia of underwear? Are you under the mistaken illusion that Lindsay Lohan is a successful actress and therefore has millions of dollars worth of stuff? You do? Then, admit it, you broke into Lindsay Lohan’s house this weekend, didn’t you?

Because someone sure did. Early on Sunday morning, while Lindsay Lohan was in New York – presumably shouting at somebody or trailing around listlessly after a man-faced lesbian – her home in the Hollywood hills was reportedly broken into, with thieves stealing… actually, you know what? Let’s let Lindsay’s mother Dina Lohan explain what happened, because we heard that if you don’t give her enough attention then she shrivels up and dies, and we’re feeling charitable. Dina Lohan told People:

“It’s true. The safe was ripped out of the wall, and the door was off the hinges and door handles removed. Bags, shoes and jewelry were taken too. Thank God she wasn’t home… Ali and Linds just left me in New York, and left people in charge to pack, as we are moving her to a safer place. She is okay, but upset.”

Dina Lohan would have said more, but she was in a hurry to get to the offices of E! to pitch a new Dog The Bounty Hunter-style reality TV show about her quest to catch Lindsay’s robbers. It won’t be exactly the same as Dog The Bounty Hunter, though – instead of bear mace, she’ll render suspects helpless with the sound of her own grating, awful, two-cruiseships-scraping-against-each-other-in-an-infinite-echo-chamber voice, which is obviously worse.

But whoever was responsible for Lindsay Lohan’s burglary, it’s safe to say that Lindsay could probably use a little extra security. It’s not just this incident – a little over two months ago £250,000 of jewels were stolen from one of her photo shoots. Now, we’re not suggesting that Lindsay carried out these robberies herself – because thieves are generally quite clever and we expect that Lindsay Lohan gets routinely outsmarted by inanimate objects – but if she isn’t careful then the next thing that’s stolen from her could be something she really cares about.

Like, for instance, the sound of her own voice. Or a reminder of when she was legitimately famous. Or whatever.

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Sadly Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan managed to find a couple of synchronised windows between all those prison sentences and rampantly selfish partying to fit a bunch more pregnancies in after Lindsay. And, since Michael Lohan and Dina Lohan have since divorced, it’s time for some petty court-based squabbling.

Michael and Dina Lohan have been in court arguing over custody of their kids Ali and Dakota. It’s an important time for those little darlings – who’ll be their primary guardian? The woman who whores them through reality TV shows or the man who slags them off in print for being whored through reality TV shows? Who are we kidding, those lucky kids win either way!

Having two parents who love each other can be such a snore – for starters it means that they don’t individually buy you ostentatiously large birthday presents to try and out-do the other one, but you’ll also never know the joy of your mother specially crafting a range of chocolate bar wrappers that deliberately besmirch your father’s reputation.

That’s why we’re so jealous of Ali and Dakota Lohan, the 14 and 11-year-old siblings of Lindsay Lohan. And that’s not just because we haven’t got the prematurely grizzled voice and dead-eyed facial expression of a war veteran that Ali Lohan has, either – but because their divorced parents are so transparently focused on merciless self-promotion at the cost of everything else that their birthday presents must be huge.

Recently there’s been a little bit of a flare-up between Dina and Michael Lohan. Dina, as you know, now has her own reality show to prove what a good mother she is, and Michael Lohan has a new column on a magazine’s website dedicated to slagging that reality show off.

It’s all very bitter, and apparently rooted in Dina Lohan not letting Michael Lohan see his kids any more. And that’s why everyone went back to court yesterday for another round of tedious custody discussions. OK! reports:

Battling exes Dina and Michael Lohan have returned to a Long Island court Tuesday afternoon over custody issues. Michael claims that his ex-wife has violated their visitation agreement with their minor children, Ali, 14, and Dakota, 11. According to Michael’s attorney, John DiMascio Jr., Dina has forbidden his client from visiting the children.

There’ll be another custody hearing next month, but the judge overseeing the case so far seems satisfied that both sides are working together to bring this issue to a mutually-agreed end.

Ali and Dakota Lohan must be so pleased by this outcome. Soon enough, with the right direction from the courts, they’ll be able to spend quality time with both their parents – the mother who was most recently seen on TV partying after being told that her house had caught fire with them in it, and the father who went to prison for trying to attack a relative with a shoe.

Yes, those kids are going to be just fine. We like happy endings.

Being famous by association has ruined Ali Lohan’s school life – she’s been home-schooled ever since she was bullied by classmates because of who she was. And, for someone as naturally shy and limelight-intolerant as Ali Lohan, that bullying must have really hurt.

How do we know this? Because Ali Lohan’s been blabbering on about it to help promote her forthcoming reality TV show that’s all about Ali Lohan and her aggressively relentless pursuit of fame. Crikey, this Lohan stupidity gene really is stronger than any of us could have possibly imagined, isn’t it.

If we were to make a list of all the things we wouldn’t want to experience as a child, it’d probably include a born-again Christian jailbird father, a drunken slag of an older sister, an obnoxiously pushy mother and the constant threat of sprouting bright orange pubic hair out of our vagvag at any moment. And, if you were to put all of those factors into a Venn diagram, the exact centre point would be where 14-year-old Ali Lohan is right now.

So what better way to celebrate Ali Lohan’s monumentally screwed-up family life at the precise moment of her life when puberty’s got her all spazzed out and unpredictable than by making a reality TV show about her?

It’s no secret that a Lohan family reality TV show was on the cards, but now it’s been made horribly real. The show, entitled Living Lohan, will premiere on E! at the end of the month, and by all accounts it looks even more dimwitted than even we expected. For starters, here’s the official Living Lohan promo spot…

But that’s mostly just about Dina Lohan and her efforts to show the world that even everyone’s most outlandishly awful assumptions about her are basically rooted in fact. What about Ali Lohan? She’s a part of Living Lohan too, so it’s probably best that she sets her stool out as a hapless victim nice and early, regardless of how un-self aware it makes her look. People reports:

“A little while ago … a couple of girls in school made up a video of me and put it up on YouTube,” Ali tells PEOPLE exclusively. “They used disgusting words. Like if my mom ever heard me say that stuff, I’d be grounded for life! … They’re disgusting kids. I got really aggravated.” … Such problems are a thing of the past, now that the eighth-grader is being home-schooled. “You learn so much more. No one’s talking about you behind your back. It’s definitely easier.”

Yeah, well done. Nobody’s talking about you behind your back. Nobody’s making videos of you. We’re glad it took an internationally-broadcast reality TV series and a number of widely-distributed interviews with the press for you to get that off your chest. Well done.

Seriously, we’re hugely worried that appearing on Living Lohan is going to have a negative impact on Ali Lohan’s chances of becoming a genuinely famous teen star. After all, if she’s being followed around by a camera crew all the time, then she’s hardly going to have time to get pregnant or take pictures of her tits and publish them on the internet, is she? Where’s the foresight?

Read more:

Ali Lohan: ‘Disgusting’ Girls Ridiculed Me At School – People

Remember thinking, “wow, now there is some exemplary parenting that should be honoured with the presentation of an award“? Of course you do.

The same principle applies for Dina Lohan, Lindsay Lohan’s mommy dearest, who is being given an award for her strides in mothering, or something. Just to be clear, then. This is Dina Lohan. The mother of Lindsay Lohan. Honoured with a mothering award. Animals who eat their young.

The circle of life at its finest, everyone.

We’ve just made a startling discovery – that blonde, old-type looking woman sporadically pictured partying with Lindsay Lohan in the tabloids is not actually Lindsay Lohan’s post-rehab mentor who is guiding our dear Lindsay back to a life of sobriety and health.

No, it’s her mom, Dina Lohan. And she is to be respected and revered for her accomplishments in mothering, you make no mistake. The Mingling Moms association of Long Island, NY, has found Dina Lohan to have crushed the competition in the very selective sets of Best Dye Job, Most Ineffectively Rehabilitated Children, Most Tabloid Appearances, Most Fame Whoring Ex-Husband, and this year’s new category: Most Likely to Cause Her World to Implode with a Shameless Reality Show.

Oh, come now. Before you hit that caps lock button for a pre-emptive ‘leave Lindsay Lohan and her family alone’ rant, know that we kid. We kid because we love. We love that as far as we can tell by reading one quote and doing no further investigating, the only basis the Mingling Moms organisation has for awarding Dina Lohan with an award is that she has a celebrity daughter. A spokesperson for the organization told OK!:

“We’re just honoring celebrities’ moms on Long Island. It’s something for Mother’s Day. It’s a list of mothers from Long Island who have raised superstar children.”

It cannot be determined as of yet whether or not the organisation is kidding due to the inability of any of its members to form facial expressions thanks to the botox-plugged faces and facelifts up to their foreheads. Further details to come as story develops.

Okay, we’ll admit that Dina Lohan is a mother and has a celebrity child that she has managed to not let die for a certain amount of time. Well done, Dina! We’d like to recognise the runners up, Carrot Top and a half-eaten piece of toast, for their efforts as well.

Read more:

Dina Lohan: Mom Of The Year? – OK

The news has no doubt brought a tear to the eye of a million lonely lads who, if Dina is to be believed, will have to make do with what Lindsay has put out for their consumption already – as if that wasn’t enough.

But who cares about those wankers? Spare a thought for the producers of the film: you jerk-offs have only lost out on another chance to be titillated – the producers have lost the entire plot to their film!

According to Access Hollywood, their reporter Billy Brush received an e-mail from Dina Lohan simply saying:

“No, she is not.”

So, that may all but end the chuff-shot speculation, but try and take a positive spin on things here, guys. For example, she hasn’t yet confirmed or denied that Lindsay is actually going to star in this film, just as she hasn’t confirmed or denied that Lindsay’s breasts may make an appearance, meaning it is still possible that you’ll get to see her boobies on a giant cinema screen!

It’s about as common a sight these days as the back of your hand, but still, boobs is boobs, and Lindsay’s bare mammaries are a sight that even Mumma Lohan is a fan of. Though not so much her Dad, of course, the poor bastard. Let us have a minute’s silence for that broken man.

There. We hope he felt that. Michael, you’re forever in hecklerspray’s thoughts.

Read More – Mom Dismisses Lohan Film Nudity Reports – NBC

Because now Dina Lohan is a star in her own right. Not a film star or a music star like Lindsay Lohan is, though, it's even better than that – Dina Lohan is going to be become a reality TV star.

E! has finally announced the production of Dina Lohan reality TV show Living Lohan. It's a wake-up call for all parents really – if you constantly push your young children into a life of showbiz until they eventually crack and become drug-addled, rehab-addicted global jokes, then maybe you can be like Dina Lohan and get a shitty reality TV show that hardly anyone's going to watch anyway too. Live the dream, parents!

Although she's made it her business to dine on the flesh of Lindsay Lohan, Dina Lohan is a star in her own right. She just never had the breaks. That's why, almost from the second that she gave birth, Dina Lohan started training Lindsay Lohan to be the singer and actress superstar extraordinaire that she never was.

But now that Lindsay Lohan's career has hit the skids in a frenzy of arrests and stints in rehab and awful movie choices and desperate nudity, it's time for Dina Lohan to slam Plan B into action. That's right, Dina Lohan always knew that she'd eventually push Lindsay to the brink of self-destruction, so she gave birth to a back-up Lohan just in case.

And this Plan B back-up Lohan is going to form the basis of new E! reality show Living Lohan, which is going to be broadcast this summer. MSNBC reports:

The show, tentatively titled “Living Lohan,” will take viewers inside the Lohans’ Long Island home to follow Dina as she works double duty as mom and manager for Ali’s blossoming singing/acting career. “The Lohans are one of the most intriguing families in the entertainment industry today,” Lisa Berger of E! said. “This is a family that knows how to roll with the punches and come out on top. Dina is an incredibly hard-working, passionate mom that I think our viewers will find both relatable and highly entertaining.”

Finally! A show that will teach us how Dina Lohan managed to raise Lindsay to be such a well-rounded, normal, non-attention-seeking non-arsehole. And what's more, it looks like we'll get to see all of these spellbinding techniques repeated again on another one of Dina Lohan's young children. Maybe, if we're lucky, the Living Lohan cameras will be there when Ali Lohan's mind snaps under the pressure and she starts sleeping with strangers in an attempt to paper over the insecurities and low self-esteem issues that her pushy mother and successful sister have forced onto her. Here's hoping!

Don't start checking the TV listings for Living Lohan yet, though, because a) it's not on for a few months and b) it might not even be called Living Lohan when it's broadcast. The title might get changed to something a little more honest, like Watch This Show About The Pointless Old Lady For Long Enough And You Might See Lindsay Lohan Acting Weird For A Couple Of Seconds. Or something.

Read more:

Dina Lohan’s reality show to debut in summer – MSNBC 

But, although she was right to worry about the first one, Lindsay Lohan has no reason at all to fear the latter, because her mother Dina Lohan bloody well loves the naked Lindsay Lohan photos that were published earlier in the week.

That's good to see – Dina Lohan's endorsement of Lindsay Lohan's nude photoshoot is not only heartwarming, but it's also softened her up for all those Lindsay Lohan Hot Bitch XXX Dildo Slut Action DVDs that Lindsay will be reduced to starring in by 2010.

For someone who's pretty much had her bare genital area photographed more often than her face in recent years, the fuss caused by those Marilyn Monroe-aping naked Lindsay Lohan pictures that appeared in New York magazine this week has been far greater than anyone could have imagined. 

We're not sure why Lindsay Lohan's naked spread captured the imagination the way it did. Perhaps there was a perverse thrill in seeing the child star of The Parent Trap naked, perhaps people appreciated the artfully authentic way it reimagined Marilyn Monroe's famous Last Shoot, or perhaps it's just a clear indication that Lindsay Lohan's slow path towards starring in nothing but barely-watched cable television erotic thrillers is still dead on track.

But none of that matters, because the naked Lindsay Lohan photoshoot has at least gained the approval of Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina. MSNBC reports:

"It was very tastefully done," she told People of her daughter’s cover shoot. "I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically,” Dina, who manages Lindsay, said of the pics. “For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say, 'Can you recreate these photos?' is an honor. I looked at it as art, and as Lindsay doing a character. So I don't look at them like it's Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother." … "She's always loved Marilyn," Dina said. "For Christmas, my girlfriends even gave her a Marilyn cookie jar. I think there's a sadness that Lindsay feels for Marilyn. Lindsay really saw it as a gift back to someone."

Make no mistake, it is a gift back to someone – it just happens that that someone is probably a teenage boy with a permanent erection who'd wank himself into a jizz blizzard at the sight of an old lady's bra, let alone some 'artful' naked Lindsay Lohan photos.

Anyway, let's not forget that Dina Lohan is the quintessential pushy stage mum who notoriously lives her life vicariously through Lindsay in the hope that she can piggyback on her fame for long enough to get her own daytime TV show or something. Bearing this in mind, Dina Lohan isn't saying "I respect my daughter's decision," but "Seriously, if you think she looks good naked, wait until you see my middle-aged boom-baps! Pazow!" 

And that's disgusting, so let's have no more to do with any of this.

Read more:

Lindsay’s mom OK with nude photo shoot - MSNBC