Daniel Craig is James Bond. You know that. Everyone knows that. He won’t be remembered for anything other than his James Bondiness and walking out of the sea with his little trunks on. Not a bad CV all told.

Unlike a lot of celebrity types, Daniel Craig doesn’t flaunt his fame and attempts to maintain something of an ordinary private life. This is a universe away from the Kardashian family who prefer to tip off the paparazzi about their every movement and whatnot (presumably at least).

It seems the behaviour of the American socialites has got on 007s wick. During an interview with GQ, he picked on Kim, Khloe and Kourtney, for essentially pimping out their lives. He even used rude words to describe the sisters, making him more likeable to us.

Some people may call it slightly hypocritical for an A-list movie star to be talking down to a group of people who’d probably find tying their shoelaces a challenge. However, Daniel Craig does seem to be one of the few people in his profession to shun financial temptation so we can intrude into his life.

This summer, he married partner Rachel Weisz and managed to do without it being reported on a mass scale and flogged in glossy magazines, complete with awkward pictures.

So what exactly did he say about Kim Kardashian, the gal who had a blissful 72 day marriage and her sister Kourtney who passes the time by shoving pipes up her backside and cleansing it with an oil enema?

“Fucking idiots.”

But he wasn’t done there. Craig continued his rant which seemed to be targeted against those who cash in by just appearing on TV:

“I think there’s a lot to be said for keeping your own counsel. It’s not about being afraid to be public with your emotions or about who you are and what you stand for. But if you sell it off it’s gone. You can’t buy it back – you can’t buy your privacy back. Ooh I want to be alone. Fuck you. We’ve been in your living room. We were at your birth. You filmed it for us and showed us the placenta and now you want some privacy?”

Bloody hell. Fancy a job with hecklerspray Danny lad?

A James Bond film is maked or breaked on the villain that is cast. Get the baddie right and everything else should fall into place. Alas, there’s been a few lousy nemeses in recent years, with Bond dispatching lamos like there’s no tomorrow.

However, that’s all about to change.

That’s because, in the next Bond flick (as yet untitled), we’re going to be treated to Javier Bardem and he’s a real deal bad-ass. Could it be that we’re about to get the best Bond villain ever?

There’s been months of speculation in movie circles and now, our frendo Bardem is going to do his absolute best to kill James Bond until he’s dead.

During an interview with Christiane Amanpour on Nightline, Bardem confirmed that he would be playing the bad guy in Bond 23.

Daniel Craig is going to get his acting chops punched off.

Bardem says:

“I am very excited. My parents took me to watch the movies and I saw all of them. So to play that is going to be fun”

“They chose me to play this man, but I cannot give you many details.”

You can check out how great Bardem is at being evil with these clips from the wonderful No Country For Old Men in which we’ve entirely based our view that he’ll be great on.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

With the news that Adele (her again!) is like, totes, going to write and release the theme for the new Bond film, us handsome devils at hecklerspray are going to take a look at the Top Ten Bond themes.

So get comfy, pour yourself a drink and get ready to agree with every single one of our choices.

Right?

DAA DAA!

(BOOM!)

DAA DAA!

(BOOM!)

DA DA D’DAA DAAAA!

*ahem*

Here’s our Top Ten Bond Themes.

The Man With The Golden Gun

Before getting her fanny out on Strictly 2011, Lulu thought it would be fun to have a pop career that sort of spanned four decades (mainly because there was a gap between 1969 and 1993 that she filled with awful, awful songs) which piqued when she was chosen to sing the theme to ‘The Man With The Golden Gun’ in 1974. Nothing happened for 19 years, and then she released ‘Relight My Fire’ with Take That. It’s a shame when good things happen to bad people.

The Living Daylights

If you sing ‘WOOOAAAHH THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS!’ at the top of your lungs you get the best feeling. Better than probably any drugs that Michael Jackson took.

The World Is Not Enough

Up until the mid-90s, most of the Bond themes had been sung by individual artists who had a modicum of talent (Sheryl Crow, you can probably go and get a glass of milk or something, we’re not talking about you), so when Garbage, the famous 90s alternative band, were announced people were excited.

Unfortunately, the song wasn’t very good, despite the video being about Shirley Manson being a suicide android fitted with a bomb. But the song being bad doesn’t necessarily mean that the overall finished product was awful. With a change in Bond, came a change in musical attitude with it. An edgier “rockier” vibe fought off the camp twinge that the themes seemed to have fostered. Obviously the film was still the campest thing since Johnny Robinson ate a unicorn and farted glitter, but for the first time, it became exciting to see what a Bond theme was going to be.

Diamonds Are Forever

Although Diamonds Are Forever is Bassey’s second Bond theme (and the first one our list) her vaulting vocals and a sinister undertone gave this Bond theme an opulent edge that would keep this theme as one of the most famous ones. Even Kanye West wanted a piece on his Diamonds From Sierra Leone, and we all know that Kanye West doesn’t make ANY bad decisions ever.

Goldeneye

In the 90s, the World was forgetting James Bond because he wasn’t involved in a combat pant wearing girlband or had curtains, so Albert Broccoli needed everyone to realise what an absurd name he had and decided to release a film so terrible that a character Xenia Onatopp wasn’t the worst thing about it. That film was Goldeneye, obviously. Can you see Xenia Onatopp being in the Lion King? But regardless of how ball-clenchingly awful Goldeneye is, the title song is all sorts of fantastic.

Sung by Tina ‘Whats Love Scot To Do, Scot To Do With It’ Turner, but written by Bono and The Edge from that U2, it went on to become one of Turner’s biggest hits. Unfortunately someone decided that getting Nicole Sherzinger to record a version of it for the 2010 re-release of Goldeneye for the Wii was a good idea. There’s literally nothing that that woman won’t ruin. First Goldeneye, then Cheryl Cole’s career.

Goldfinger

‘Goldfinger’ is generally seen as one of the quintessentially Bond-esque themes from the series, with Shirley Bassey’s soaring vocals reminding people that there really is a career for men to dress up as women and sing show tunes. Didn’t do Paloma Faith any harm. This is the song that people sing with an accent more than any other (disregarding Shaggy OBV).

A View To A Kill

Simon Le Bon. The Eiffel Tower. Grace Jones. Hot.

For Your Eyes Only

Sheena Easton was pretty big news in the 80s. Her broad Glaswegian accent kept people confused while she flooded the charts with songs about morning trains (not a euphemism for a morning erection) before releasing a song so filthy that it would make Christina Aguilera blush before thumbing herself off in the car park of a Best Buy somewhere. Obviously after singing about your vagina the only way to go next is singing with pint-sized pop penis Prince.

A vagine warbling ballad isn’t what the Bond people were after, so they got her to sing a song that was, although immense, has no oblique reference to vaginas or anything vaginal. Although if you listened to it thinking of vagines, it does take on a more twisted, and sexier edge.

“You can see so much in me, so much in me that’s new. I never felt til I looked at you.” the filthy bitch sings.

We Have All The Time In The World

Although this Louis Armstrong song may be more iconic from other places, it’s the setting that makes it memorable. Taken from ‘On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’, played over the closing scenes after Bond’s wife’s murder at the hands of pussy lover Blofeld, it resonates the tragedy that although Bond may be one of the most powerful characters in fiction, he will always have danger surrounding his family. That and regular STD checks.

You Only Live Twice

The most iconic, and covered Bond themes (but we can’t hold Robbie Williams against it, Cee Lo Green we can), You Only Live Twice is the Bond theme that most people will hum if they were asked. Swirling violins and romantic horns remind everyone of lying almost comatose on a hungover filled Bank Holiday and wanting the pain in your head to stop.

The angelic vocals from Nancy Sinatra compliment the song to such an massive degree that we can’t say anything bad about. We’ll just leave you to listen to it and compose ourselves in the corner.

Are we crying? Of course not.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or else we’ll kill you in your sleep or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS OR WE’LL KILL EVERYONE YOU’VE EVER LOVED!

Daniel Craig and Rachel Weisz have got married! Isn’t that adorable? As you know, we’ve been rooting for these guys for pretty much forever. And finally, after what has felt like ‘a very long time’ – the pair secretly got married in New York State last night, with only four very close family members as witnesses. AW GUYS! One slight problem.

SINCE WHEN HAVE RACHEL WEISZ AND DANIEL CRAIG SO MUCH AS LOOKED AT EACH OTHER LET ALONE FALLEN IN LOVE AND HAD ‘ROMANTIC RELATIONS’? (Sex.)

Not even pinnacles of celebrity journalism nosy parkers Daily Mail got wind of an engagement of any sort, although they did mention that ‘they saw Daniel and Rachel holding hands once’. Blush.

So, now that we all do know about it – we can get about six months worth of judgement of their relationship out the way now.

Okay? Do Rachel Weisz and Daniel Craig make a good celebrity couple?

Here are a couple of pointers to properly deduce that.

PORTMANTEAU AVAILABILITY

3/10

Brangelina sounds so amazingly twattish, that it remains the top benchmark for any celebrity couple headline, followed closely by Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez’ of ‘Bennifer’ fame. Brownie points go to Paris Hilton for blowing everybody’s minds by actually going out with someone called Paris for a while, and it being TRUE LOVE all at the same time.

As far as Rachel and Daniel go, there is no legitimate pun that properly meshes their names, which as we know – is the measure for true, uncharted love. Even Victoria Beckham’s adoration for her bobbed haircut, ‘The Pob’ managed to ruthlessly burn away any memory of an demented ’80s childhood puppet. Bitch.

Basically, Daniel and Rachel’s first names make ‘Rachel’, so it’s a gradual descent from here on in. ‘Craiz’ is the best one we’ve managed to muster so far. And it’s lousy. Someone email it to the 3am Girls just in case though. In terms of films the pair have both starred in, there is not much luck there either.

ABOUT A (WEDDING) JOY! THE NAME’S MARRIED! JAMES MARRIED RACHEL WEISZ, THAT IS!

LORD ASRIEL MEETS HIS SAPHIRA (From that film Eragon)

Hopeless.

ATTRACTIVENESS RATIO

7/10

Depends if you fancy boys or girls, really. But if you can properly adopt the Antony Costa Rules of Love for this situation, (ie: ANYBODY WILL DO) you can begin to appreciate that Daniel is only really attractive in that sort of ripped ‘shame about the face’ kind of way.

We’ve seen what Rachel Weisz would look like if she had cancer, and being mounted by Hugh Jackman in a bath, and we’d still tap that. (A heterosexual woman is writing this article.)

Also, when you look like an ugly version of your own ugly lookalike, that definitely puts things into perspective.

IN COMPARISON TO PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS

DANIEL – 2/10
RACHEL – 8/10

This one is pretty straight forward. Both of the parties were married with children for long periods of time prior to their current relationship. Daniel Craig was with a film producer Satsuki Mitchell for a long time, and she seems quite lovely from photos. This is based on a flowery dress, and not much else.

Rachel of course was famously married to Darren Aronofksy for 8 years, which was one of those awesome director/actor relationships which always ended in *wavy hand* movies when they actually worked together. Such as Sam Mendes and Kate Winslet’s Revolutionary Road, and Rachel and Darren’s The Fountain. Both enjoyable films, but its probably fair to say that ultimately, we still enjoyed Len Wiseman and Kate Beckinsale’s Underworld movies more.

Okay, that’s a lie.

Although -

No, it was a lie.

PROBABILITY THAT THEY EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER

2/10.

Congratulations Daniel and Rachel!

This post was written by Sophie Hall who is a master of magic, spells and illusion. Enemies grumble with fear and confusion.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Oooh! Daniel Craig! Eh girls? Those swimming trunks! Eh girls? Those massive solid gym boobs! Eh girls? Daniel Craig! James Bond! Trunks! Eh girls? If you squint, you can imagine what he looks like naked, ammaright girls?! DANIEL CRAIG! NO TOP ON! OH GOD! I THINK I’M GOING TO CUM JUST TYPING HIS NAME OUT! EH GIIIIRRRLLLS?

And so, the world of women collectively start dribbling down their legs at the news that there’s a good chance that the new James Bond film will star Daniel Craig and he’ll probably take his top off a few times throughout. Of course, the film is likely to be rubbish, so women could simply stare at a picture of Craig on Google Images and be done with it.

As for fans of the film franchise, then this must be the news you knew was coming anyway (no new Bond’s have been talked about, so it barely feels like news, does it?).

Of course, the new Bond film nearly didn’t happen, thanks to ‘financial problems’, but like Bond, the franchise wriggled free at the last minute and save itself from getting its balls zapped down the middle by a laser. This means that it can make a big fuss of the fact that the new flick will be the 50th anniversary of the Ian Fleming based movies.

Daniel Craig will have yet another stab at playing 007, and invariably continue to take all the fun out of the role by constantly brooding into camera with a look in his eyes that says “one false move and… I’LL TAKE MY TOP OFF!”

The 23rd Bond will be directed by Sam Mendes who directed American Beauty, which probably means that we’ll get to see Bond in the suburbs, worrying about stuff in his kitchen before wanking off over a barely legal girl in a bath filled with rotting flowers.

007 will be back on 9th November 2012 with production set to kick-off at the end of this year. You’re thrilled to bits aren’t you?

Rumour has it that Michael Sheen will play the bad guy in this, which actually could be rather good (and camp), which Daniel Craig (a man made entirely of wood) could really benefit from.

UNLESS HE TAKES HIS TOP OFF! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

*FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP*

The cinemas will be filled with so many aroused women that they’ll end up being like thawing ice rinks. You disgusting harridans.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Right chaps, this film is was made for you. Yes all of manly-kind. Cowboys & Aliens is more manly than having a stick specifically for stirring paint. A cock-shaped stick. With tits on.

Forget the stupid name, we know it’s crap, like they’ve mashed two genres together and hoped that someone else would have a good idea. But look, it’s got James Bond and Indiana Jones in it! Would you like to tell them you don’t like their films?

They’re really tough and they’ll beat you up with whips and special devices to cause you absolute agonising man pain. Thought not.

Every man needs to see this film. It’s got Daniel Craig and Harrison Ford in it, which can only be a festival of moody looking off into the middle distance followed by outrageous stunts and intense violence. It’s directed by John Favreau [I read that as 'John Fashanu' which would be a very different film - Ed.], the guy that did Iron Man. Yeah. Tony Stark made you feel inadequate too didn’t he?

You need to man up. Watch this film and maybe you’ll learn something.

The trailer doesn’t give much away, but we are expecting a mysterious start in a dusty Western setting which would make Ol’ Clint feel at home. Then someone starts pouring testosterone on the script and Craig gets all punchy, then arrested, then all moody and tries to outscowl Indy.

And then stuff starts blowing up.

Because spaceships arrive.

Yes, we know how that sounds. Rubbish. But have a look at the trailer, it’s awesome. They don’t go overboard with the aliens, the fight scenes are all the more brutal for their realism and Craig’s bracelet/WMD becomes all the more awesome with it’s increasing weirdness.

Ford and Craig’s blossoming friendship is not an on-screen reacharound like most ‘buddy movies’, there’s some woman involved but she’s neither token tart or drippy damsel. She’s a manly woman. Or something.

Summer 2011 can’t come around quickly enough. This could be the perfect cocktail of movie genres, intense action, old school tough guy acting and flatout coolness. It’s got the classic “man with no friends/name/past/morals” western storyline and adds in the “blowing stuff up is really cool” element of sci-fi and action.

This film is going to become a right of passage for future males. Along with the first shave, passing the driving test and losing the V plates, Cowboys and Aliens will become one of those moments that make us dewy eyed as old men.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

The first pictures emerged this week of Daniel Craig filming the opening scenes of the movie adaptation of Stieg Larsson’s book, ‘The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo’. Despite the fact that there is already a movie version of the book (the first in Larsson’s best-selling Millennium trilogy) by Swedish director Niels Arden Oplev with an all-Swedish cast, Hollywood have decided to come along and give it some jazz hands and add a star turn, making it into one of the most highly anticipated films of 2011, because, well, that’s what Hollywood does, innit?

Some fans of the books are a little bit upset about this new remake, fearing that it will not stay true to the original work, many saying it’s unnecessary to make a film about a book that’s already been made into a film about a book, with concerns that an all-star Hollywood cast will somehow dilute the power behind the story, blah blah blah, moan, moan, moan etc.

Well, we can tell you for nothing that Hecklerspray is not the moaning type (ha!). We’re sure the Swedish film is great but we’re busy people and can’t be doing with subtitles and although there’s no doubt that the original Swedish actor is more Blomkvist than Craig, we at HS, are delighted about the inclusion of James Bond.

We’ve read all three books and found them utterly compelling, even if we did skim the boring bits (mainly the bits with politics and that which if you’ve read the book you’ll know means about 90% of it but to be fair when you don’t know anything about British politics, why on earth would you need to know anything about Swedish shenanigans?).

This news meant that Daniel Craig was going to get his kit off and we could have a good old perv at him whilst eating a box of popcorn bigger than the collective hecklerspray head in the cinema (the cost of said popcorn invariably involving a second mortgage or perhaps the sale of a kidney).

Shortly after seeing the pictures, HS got its copy of TGWTDT out and started highlighting areas in the story with potential for swimming trunks action (we’re not stupid, we’ve seen the James Bond pictures). However, it quickly became clear that the chances of Daniel/Mikael getting semi-naked were pretty slim. Mikael doesn’t really do anything in the book but sulkily skulk around being investigative, power up his iBook and smoke fags. Oh, and sometimes he shags women and solves Sweden’s most unsolved crimes and is generally a hero but those bits are purely fillers.

HS was a bit gutted about the lack of phwoar-inducing action until we had a genius idea. The one thing that Mikael does do, in fact, the thing that he spends 90% of his time doing, is making coffee and eating sandwiches.

Now, we like coffee and sandwiches, but Mikael takes it to the extreme. If there was an Olympic event for eating sandwiches and drinking coffee, Mikael Blomkvist would be the world champion ten times over. When you think about it, it’s no wonder he’s always so moody, he must be severely lacking in Vitamin C if all he eats is bread and can you imagine his breath?

Anyway, back to the genius idea: coffee’s hot right? And you wouldn’t want to spill it on your trousers, particularly as you are a top journo solving a deeply complicated mystery and have no time for such humdrum as washing and ironing. And we all know that Swedish sandwiches are usually ‘open’ and involve some kind of random fish and a lot of mayonnaise and we all know what a bastard a mayonnaise stain is to get out, even with Pink Vanish.

What we’re suggesting is, every time Mikael eats a sandwich or drinks a coffee, he does it standing in his pants. It’s efficient, especially if he’s about to go to bed or he’s just been captured by a serial killer who took all his clothes, and it saves on washing which in turn is good for the environment and heaven knows we could all do with being a bit more responsible with our carbon footprint.

So, each time he drinks a coffee or eats a sandwich he does it in his underpants. And 30-something housewives all over the world get a little bit of Craig in their lives (or a big bit, if the camera angle’s right). There you go Mr Hollywood, write that into the script. There’s a box office smash for you, no mistake.

Incidentally, HS did go to Sweden once, for a meeting. We ended up on an industrial estate drinking some kind of lemonade thing surrounded by men in business suits eating rollmop herring. We planned to go into the centre of the city for a bit of culture afterward but ran out of money in the taxi so had to stop on the outskirts where we spent the afternoon with a mad woman who wanted to check HS’s chakra, with only a copy of ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ for company (don’t even get us started on that book).

We couldn’t even find a bloody IKEA, which was a shame as our stupid editor demanded tea-lights. Anyway, we won’t be rushing back.

This disgusting article was dribbled over by Betsi Doodle

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Now that Daniel Craig has been James Bond for a while, we all know what we can expect from his films.

Punching. And grunting. And silly blue knickers. And no invisible cars. And up to two scenes where James Bond looks a bit sad and a foreign woman babbles on incoherently about how his mind is like a prison, to show that he’s all sensitive and modern and whatever. And no fun. That last one’s very important. There must be no fun whatsoever.

So good news, fun-haters! The director of Bond 23 has been announced as Sam Mendes who, so far in his career, has made a film about the horrors of war, a film about the horrors of organised crime, a film about the horrors of gory abortions and a film about a plastic bag sort of flapping around in the air for a while. Hooray! This new James Bond film is going to be no fun at all!

It’s such a good idea to get Sam Mendes to direct Bond 23. After all, getting a well-respected arthouse director with no experience of action movies to take on something as expensive and formulaic as a James Bond film is genius. Just think – all those trademark Bond fight scenes interspersed with moments of genuinely challenging cerebral drama. It’s nothing short of a masterstroke.

Or at least it was nothing short of a masterstroke back in 2008 when the bloke who did The Kite Runner was roped in to make Quantum Of Solace. But then look how that turned out – the action scenes were clumsy and the quiet moments of cerebral drama largely consisted of James Bond sitting in a cave and frowning for about four seconds. Oh, and the baddie screamed like a girl. Oh, and the theme-tune was stupid. Oh, and James Bond actually wore a cardigan at one point.

God, Quantum Of Solace was crap, wasn’t it?

But the new Bond film will be different, because Sam Mendes is doing it. And he’s good at everything. He’s made the best-ever directionless film about Jake Gyllenhaal looking sad in a metal helmet. He’s made the best-ever directionless film about some beardy hippies driving about and mumbling to each other. He’s made the best-ever film about Kate Winslet getting the world’s most harrowing abortion. And he’s made the best-ever film about a plastic bag sort of flapping around in the air for a while. We can smell the box office success from here.

So what will Sam Mendes do with Bond 23? Here are the three most likely outcomes:

1 - Sam Mendes will quickly find all of his big dramatic ideas being trampled on by producers, who basically just want a hacky, generic Bond film despite the big-name director. The end result will contain action scenes that aren’t very actiony, dramatic scenes that aren’t very dramatic and James Bond will somehow end up in another bloody cardigan.

2 - James Bond will be a sad suburban father looking for the meaning of his own existence. The film will show him mournfully staring off into the middle distance for no reason whatsoever, strolling around in the world’s most melancholy pair of swimming trunks and fighting his arch nemesis – the plastic bag that sort of flaps about in the air for a while.

3 - James Bond will be a charming, quick-witted playboy cad who flies around the world getting drunk and shagging supermodels in a selection of nice suits. He’ll drive a car that shoots missiles out of its headlights, kill foreigners with a vast array of ridiculous gadgets and generally look as if he’s having the best time of his sodding life.

That last one isn’t particularly likely to happen, by the way. But it’s nice to dream, isn’t it?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

There’s usually a very clear division between the two separate versions of Hugh Jackman, isn’t there?

There’s Stage Hugh Jackman and Screen Hugh Jackman. Screen Hugh Jackman is the one who’s angry, violent and prone to dropping to his knees and shouting “NOOOOO!” at the sky at the tiniest of provocations. And Stage Hugh Jackman is the flamboyant one, the one in the big silky blouses and spangly trousers and stuff.

Usually the two Hugh Jackmans never merge. But they did recently, when a phone went off during his latest play. You’ve never seen angry, slightly gay-seeming chiding like it.

Mobile phones can be a real problem in the theatre. We’ve all seen it – there you are, trying to catch up with a friend during some dreary old play that your girlfriend has made you go and see, when all of a sudden the actors stop what they’re doing and start shouting at you to put your phone away. It’s rude, that’s what it is.

It’s almost as rude as when everyone screams at you during long-haul flights just because your mobile phone signal has interfered with the plane’s navigational system and sent it into a tailspin that will inevitably end in fiery death. Honestly, the nerve of some people. Can’t they see we’re talking?

Something similar to this happened last week during a performance of the new Hugh Jackman/ Daniel Craig play A Steady Rain. One member of the audience was probably waiting for an important call from their dentist or something – and looking forward to it, too, to break up the monotony of Hugh Jackman’s big “Oh, I’m a policeman, I’ve seen some terrible things, boo hoo hoo” speech – but as soon as the phone started ringing, Hugh Jackman stopped the speech to get all snippy with them. Actors, eh? What a bunch of turds. Here’s the video…

Now we’ve been hard on Hugh Jackman before – pretty much only because he exists – but we have to hand it to him here. Because it wasn’t him who told the audience member to turn off their phone – it was his character. See the way he didn’t even break his accent or the cadence of his voice. That’s real acting.

That audience member is lucky that Hugh Jackman wasn’t playing Wolverine at the time, because the incident would have almost certainly resulted in bloodshed if that were the case. And they’re also lucky that they he wasn’t playing his character from Australia at the time, too, because nobody went to see Australia and it would have meant that the ringing sound could only be heard inside Hugh Jackman’s head, indicating that he was probably going through some kind of traumatic psychiatric meltdown or something.

We’ve forgotten what our point was. Something about Hugh Jackman being an idiot, probably.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter

10 - Good news! The purple Daniel Craig ice lolly is GO! – Bestweekever

9 - News about a rather spiffy online comedy encyclopedia – Amygrindhouse

8 - Soap shaped like brass knuckles – we ask ‘why?’ – Geekologie

7 – The Smiths singing to kids at Kew Gardens never gets old: fact – Mychemicaltoilet

6 – Like hot beverages? Have the mental age of a toddler? Oh, you’re going to love these – Domesticsluttery

5 - Eight hot! New! TV! Shows! to look out for - Interestment

4 - Pink Vs Kanye West: The world’s worst feud is ON – PopEater

3 - A brief essay on films names that are difficult to pronounce - Shoutingatcows

2 - But what about the WAGs? Where do they like to go on holiday?  – Popsugar

1 - It’s another one of those literal music videos. Hooray…

Here’s a killer pitch for you. James Bond and Wolverine team up to fight crime together. Sounds good, huh?

Wait, we’re not finished. James Bond and Wolverine team up to fight crime together… within the strict confines of the law. And nobody kills anyone. And nothing explodes. And there’s probably a lot of crying. And it’s not even a film, it’s a play. God, we take it all back. This is a rubbish pitch.

But it’s going to happen. Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman are going to star in that exact play on Broadway. Not James Bond and Wolverine. Sorry.

Right now, both Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman are at the top of their powers. Daniel Craig has transformed James Bond from an entertainingly suave spy into a nightclub bouncer who punches stuff for a living, and Hugh Jackman has transformed Wolverine from an entertainingly wisecracking superhero to a wimp who can’t go any longer than four seconds without dropping to his knees and shouting “Nooooo!” at the sky. They’re both remarkable achievements.

So what’s next for them? Why, isn’t it obvious? It’s the theatre. After all, the theatre is where stars of the big screen go to reconnect with their craft, slowly realise that they get more money and better food on films and then pretend that they’re dying of a sushi overdose so that they can cut their run short and bolt off back to Hollywood. Or, if they’re uncomfortably young, it’s where they can get their genitals out night after night.

And best of all, Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman are doing it together, as AP reports:

Nothing has been officially confirmed but two of Hollywood’s reigning hunks may be paired next fall on Broadway in “A Steady Rain,” a two-character drama by Keith Huff. The actors are set to star in the play about two Chicago policemen, friends since childhood, whose lives take divergent paths after an unnerving incident. The Chicago Tribune called the play an “exceptionally rich, gritty and emotional drama.”

We’ve got high hopes for A Steady Rain. The combination of Hugh Jackman’s tested Broadway popularity and the instinctive masculinity of Daniel Craig coming together in a haunting play by an exciting new playwright promises to provide audiences with a night of electrifying intensity. In particular, we’re looking forward to seeing the songs This Steady Rain Has Got Me Moist, (I’ll Show You My) Warrant To Boogie and I Killed And Ate My Vietnamese Nephew Because I’m A Cannibalistic Serial Killer, which – SPOILER ALERT – is performed from inside an enchanted flying car.

So good luck to Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman. We hope that A Steady Rain runs and runs and runs. Admittedly that’s because Wolverine and the last James Bond film were so terrible that we’d like for neither of them to ever star in another film ever again, but shut up.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Did you know that if you randomly chose a group of 1,000 people, none of them would care about the new Tintin movie?

True story. But that’s only because Tintin had no stars attached to it – it existed only as an idea. An idea about a ginger Belgian boy who’s a little bit racist. And that’s the worst idea of all.

But now Tintin has stars attached, and one of them is Daniel Craig. But stars like Daniel Craig come with demands – and if Tintin will fit with the rest of his canon, Craig wants it renamed A Nanoparticle Of Despondency.

Since becoming James Bond, Daniel Craig seems to have decided to only make movies that can fit into franchises. The trouble is, none of them are very good. Everybody knows that The Golden Compass fell on its arse so badly that nobody will ever make a sequel, and Quantum Of Solace was so completely underwhelming that it actually made us nostalgic for Pierce Brosnan. And that’s not a feeling we like to have very often, thank you very much.

Honestly, if it weren’t for plans to make Defiance 2: Give Us A Jew then Daniel Craig’s plan to corner the world’s movie franchises would have ended up as a complete crock. But now it looks like hope might be on the horizon in the form of Steven Spielberg‘s Tintin movie, which Daniel Craig has just signed up for.

No, wait, relax, Daniel Craig won’t be playing the lead in Tintin – your Tintin won’t be grunting bore with one facial expression and a comically low brow – instead he’ll be playing Red Rackham, who everyone knows as the sailor who has a brief scuffle with Captain Haddock and then dies very quickly. Which sort of arses up Daniel Craig’s franchise prospects, to be honest. Curses. Anyway, People reports:

He may routinely save the world as James Bond, but Daniel Craig is stepping into his bad-guy uniform, to play the evil seaman Red Rackham in the upcoming Steven Spielberg screen adaptation of The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn. The movie – in which Craig’s Defiance costar Jamie Bell plays the fearless young reporter Tintin – is already in production, in 3-D, say reports.

Forgetting Daniel Craig for a moment, it’s just nice that the Tintin movie has even made it into production – back in September it looked as though nobody wanted to pay for Tintin and the whole production looked in danger of hitting the skids.

That would have been doubly bad, because if Steven Spielberg’s Tintin movie didn’t get made then Peter Jackson‘s planned sequel definitely wouldn’t have got made, and a world without five-hour, mind-bogglingly self-indulgent films about ginger Belgian racists who spend most of their time confusingly talking in mythical languages is a world we don’t really want to be in, frankly.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

You knew what you got when Roger Moore was James Bond – safari jackets, volcano HQs and women called Felicity Nobgobbler.

Not any more, though. Daniel Craig is James Bond now, so that means that when you watch a James Bond film you’re essentially getting whatever happened in the last Bourne movie, but without any of the interesting bits about amnesia.

And this has upset Roger Moore. Moore says he’s saddened by all the flashy violence in the new Daniel Craig James Bond movies, and he wishes that 007 films could be more like the ones he made. The thing is, he’s got a point – we know we’d have enjoyed Quantum Of Solace quite a lot more if all the parkour scenes starred a wheezy old man in a corset who looks like he smells of urine-soaked leather instead of Daniel Craig.

Everyone has their favourite Bond. Purists like Sean Connery, discerning connoisseurs like George Lazenby, ironic students like Roger Moore, idiots like Timothy Dalton, people with weird preoccupations with space lasers like Pierce Brosnan and lonely single female office temps like Daniel Craig.

With each new James Bond comes a new reflection of the times. And, if you’ve seen Quantum Of Solace, you’ll know that the times we’re in now require a mute cardigan-wearing nightclub bouncer who smacks people in the face a lot and never ever tells any jokes ever.

Honestly, Quantum Of Solace is so brainlessly devoid of wit or substance that it’s just one giant Ebonics-speaking robot away from being a Michael Bay movie. In Quantum Of Solace, James Bond isn’t the stylishly bulletproof playboy that he’s supposed to be; he’s a squat thug who grunts a lot and – this is heartbreaking – doesn’t get to have sex with one of the Bond girls because she tells him that his mind is like a prison cell. He doesn’t even try to rape her. It’s such a letdown.

And we’re not the only ones disappointed by the new James Bond. The old James Bond is equally disappointed. Although he initially stuck up for Daniel Craig after his appointment as 007, Roger Moore has now decided that there’s too much bang bang and not enough kiss kiss in films like Quantum Of Solace. Reuters reports:

“I am happy to have done it, but I’m sad that it has turned so violent,” Moore said before “Quantum of Solace,” starring Daniel Craig as a darker Agent 007, opens in North America on Friday. “That’s keeping up with the times, it’s what cinema-goers seem to want and it’s proved by the box-office figures.”

Although Roger Moore does have a point – Quantum Of Solace would have been slightly more bearable if James Bond managed to crack a smile for even a second during it – we could all do well to remember that Roger Moore is an 81-year-old man and therefore automatically hates violence. Give him a week or two and we wouldn’t be surprised if he also starts complaining about how young policemen look and those fiddly new 5p coins.

And, who knows, maybe in 30 years’ time Daniel Craig will also complain about how violent James Bond has got. Admittedly for 007 movies to get any more violent than they already are, the next James Bond will need to be a cyborg with chainsaws for arms and a flamethrower rectum, but let’s not rule that out right now.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

Currently appearing as 007 in Quantum of Solace, which by most accounts is exciting but about as much fun as a Schindler’s List theme park, Daniel Craig has taken time out to praise a new generation of Bond women. Women who will tell him to “f**k off” if he misbehaves. That’s right, “f**k off“, it’s Slovakian.

Daniel Craig isn’t exactly renowned for his song and dance demeanour. He’s a serious actor and questions about his teeny shorts in Casino Royale or why he wore a lifejacket to avoid drowning three years ago are bound to annoy him.

Plus if he decided to chase us over a building site we’d make it about as far as the Portakabin before going into cardiac arrest. We’re gonna just stick to the new movie instead.

In most Bond films the girls either end up dead or bedded, or bedded then dead, or dead then bedded (Roge had terrible eyesight). Either that or they have eight vaginas like that lady in Octopussy and run a lesbian circus. So how have times changed? We’ll tell you how times have changed – the girls swear now. Swear, dammit!

“I think Bond is as misogynistic as he always was. But the difference is that we try to cast great actresses playing strong women who, if he misbehaves, will tell him to f**k off” commented Craig recently.

They’re not going to say that in the film of course. No Slovakian swearwords, but plenty of Craig grimacing like he’s just seen his STI results and killing people with whatever object Jason Bourne didn’t use.

This is new Bond; he’s canned the silly jokes and wants women to hate him as much as he does. Not too hard really, being as banging the world’s most visible spy invariably means being killed – by a bullet, Dobermans, or, if they’re really unlucky, Castrol GTX.

Craig knows times have changed however, so even if these new Bond girls are going to die, they are going give him some stick first.

“Instead of it being a giggling girl in a bikini – and there’s nothing wrong with giggling girls in bikinis, sometimes it’s quite nice – there are women who challenge him.“

Quantum of Solace features two new Bond ladies who look quite similar (in that they’re both not blondes), Olga Kurylenko as Camille and Gemma Arterton as Agent Fields.

Disappointingly their character names give little ammunition for sexist jibes, unless Bond tries a “ploughing the fields” gag, which is unlikely as laughs are banned in the cinema this time around. The only laugh you’re going to hear is when you hand over twenty quid at the concessions counter and expect some change.

For all those who have just re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, Quantum of Solace opens nationwide on 31st October. That is a whole two weeks before the Americans get it. Don’t gloat however; they’ve got an upcoming presidential election to get us back with first.

Harry Potter has a lot to answer for – now he’s magically caused Quantum of Solace to be pushed back.

Not content with ruining the dreams and emotions of a billion little kids and a lot of adults who probably should know better, Daniel Radcliffe and company’s decision to move the new Harry Potter film to next summer has prompted Sony to push the upcoming James Bond flick – the one with the funny name – back.

Alright, so it’s only a week, with the film being pushed from November 7th to the 14th, but still – come on. Give us a break here.

The reason for the move was given as a simple one: ‘we want more money’. Technically not what they actually said, but ‘moving it closer to the Thanksgiving/Christmas market’ is pretty transparent when it comes to reasoning.

While we do wish we could live in a world where money wasn’t such a driving factor, where advertising wasn’t so rampantly killing off the reputations of entertainers and where focus groups didn’t decide what we could watch and when… well, we don’t. Which means you have to wait an extra week to see Quantum of Solace in the US.

We don’t, mind, as we’re in Britain. We still get the thing on October 31st, which makes us a great deal better than you, our wonderful trans-Atlantic chums. In your face! It also shows that the film isn’t being pushed back because of any kind of curse that may be going around, which is nice.

Speaking to Variety, the Sony chairman of something and something else blah distribution world said:

“We believe Nov. 14 is a great date that allows us to play straight through Thanksgiving and right into Christmas. We believe this decision will give the public a wider opportunity to see the film over the holiday.”

Like we said – it’s pretty transparent in the reasoning, but they still try and hide the fact that the decision was made for more delicious, life-giving money. Instead, it’s put as being for your benefit. Bless them – they really do care about you*.

Nevertheless, the wait for Jimmy Bond’s latest outing is sure to be worth it, with the trailer making it out to be one long fight. We’re not complaining – two hours of brawling is something hecklerspray would pay good money to see, along with paying $250 for other activities.

To make the wait that little bit easier, check out the official song to Quantum of Solace – far better than this poorly-thought-out effort by two relative unknowns – as provided by the world-renowned composer Joe Cornish**:

It certainly works better than the original teaser.

*They don’t care about you.

** This is all a lie. It is not the official song. He is a British comedian.