There’s usually a very clear division between the two separate versions of Hugh Jackman, isn’t there?

There’s Stage Hugh Jackman and Screen Hugh Jackman. Screen Hugh Jackman is the one who’s angry, violent and prone to dropping to his knees and shouting “NOOOOO!” at the sky at the tiniest of provocations. And Stage Hugh Jackman is the flamboyant one, the one in the big silky blouses and spangly trousers and stuff.

Usually the two Hugh Jackmans never merge. But they did recently, when a phone went off during his latest play. You’ve never seen angry, slightly gay-seeming chiding like it.

Mobile phones can be a real problem in the theatre. We’ve all seen it – there you are, trying to catch up with a friend during some dreary old play that your girlfriend has made you go and see, when all of a sudden the actors stop what they’re doing and start shouting at you to put your phone away. It’s rude, that’s what it is.

It’s almost as rude as when everyone screams at you during long-haul flights just because your mobile phone signal has interfered with the plane’s navigational system and sent it into a tailspin that will inevitably end in fiery death. Honestly, the nerve of some people. Can’t they see we’re talking?

Something similar to this happened last week during a performance of the new Hugh Jackman/ Daniel Craig play A Steady Rain. One member of the audience was probably waiting for an important call from their dentist or something – and looking forward to it, too, to break up the monotony of Hugh Jackman’s big “Oh, I’m a policeman, I’ve seen some terrible things, boo hoo hoo” speech – but as soon as the phone started ringing, Hugh Jackman stopped the speech to get all snippy with them. Actors, eh? What a bunch of turds. Here’s the video…

Now we’ve been hard on Hugh Jackman before – pretty much only because he exists – but we have to hand it to him here. Because it wasn’t him who told the audience member to turn off their phone – it was his character. See the way he didn’t even break his accent or the cadence of his voice. That’s real acting.

That audience member is lucky that Hugh Jackman wasn’t playing Wolverine at the time, because the incident would have almost certainly resulted in bloodshed if that were the case. And they’re also lucky that they he wasn’t playing his character from Australia at the time, too, because nobody went to see Australia and it would have meant that the ringing sound could only be heard inside Hugh Jackman’s head, indicating that he was probably going through some kind of traumatic psychiatric meltdown or something.

We’ve forgotten what our point was. Something about Hugh Jackman being an idiot, probably.

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1 - It’s another one of those literal music videos. Hooray…

Here’s a killer pitch for you. James Bond and Wolverine team up to fight crime together. Sounds good, huh?

Wait, we’re not finished. James Bond and Wolverine team up to fight crime together… within the strict confines of the law. And nobody kills anyone. And nothing explodes. And there’s probably a lot of crying. And it’s not even a film, it’s a play. God, we take it all back. This is a rubbish pitch.

But it’s going to happen. Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman are going to star in that exact play on Broadway. Not James Bond and Wolverine. Sorry.

Right now, both Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman are at the top of their powers. Daniel Craig has transformed James Bond from an entertainingly suave spy into a nightclub bouncer who punches stuff for a living, and Hugh Jackman has transformed Wolverine from an entertainingly wisecracking superhero to a wimp who can’t go any longer than four seconds without dropping to his knees and shouting “Nooooo!” at the sky. They’re both remarkable achievements.

So what’s next for them? Why, isn’t it obvious? It’s the theatre. After all, the theatre is where stars of the big screen go to reconnect with their craft, slowly realise that they get more money and better food on films and then pretend that they’re dying of a sushi overdose so that they can cut their run short and bolt off back to Hollywood. Or, if they’re uncomfortably young, it’s where they can get their genitals out night after night.

And best of all, Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman are doing it together, as AP reports:

Nothing has been officially confirmed but two of Hollywood’s reigning hunks may be paired next fall on Broadway in “A Steady Rain,” a two-character drama by Keith Huff. The actors are set to star in the play about two Chicago policemen, friends since childhood, whose lives take divergent paths after an unnerving incident. The Chicago Tribune called the play an “exceptionally rich, gritty and emotional drama.”

We’ve got high hopes for A Steady Rain. The combination of Hugh Jackman’s tested Broadway popularity and the instinctive masculinity of Daniel Craig coming together in a haunting play by an exciting new playwright promises to provide audiences with a night of electrifying intensity. In particular, we’re looking forward to seeing the songs This Steady Rain Has Got Me Moist, (I’ll Show You My) Warrant To Boogie and I Killed And Ate My Vietnamese Nephew Because I’m A Cannibalistic Serial Killer, which – SPOILER ALERT – is performed from inside an enchanted flying car.

So good luck to Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman. We hope that A Steady Rain runs and runs and runs. Admittedly that’s because Wolverine and the last James Bond film were so terrible that we’d like for neither of them to ever star in another film ever again, but shut up.

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True story. But that’s only because Tintin had no stars attached to it – it existed only as an idea. An idea about a ginger Belgian boy who’s a little bit racist. And that’s the worst idea of all.

But now Tintin has stars attached, and one of them is Daniel Craig. But stars like Daniel Craig come with demands – and if Tintin will fit with the rest of his canon, Craig wants it renamed A Nanoparticle Of Despondency.

Since becoming James Bond, Daniel Craig seems to have decided to only make movies that can fit into franchises. The trouble is, none of them are very good. Everybody knows that The Golden Compass fell on its arse so badly that nobody will ever make a sequel, and Quantum Of Solace was so completely underwhelming that it actually made us nostalgic for Pierce Brosnan. And that’s not a feeling we like to have very often, thank you very much.

Honestly, if it weren’t for plans to make Defiance 2: Give Us A Jew then Daniel Craig’s plan to corner the world’s movie franchises would have ended up as a complete crock. But now it looks like hope might be on the horizon in the form of Steven Spielberg’s Tintin movie, which Daniel Craig has just signed up for.

No, wait, relax, Daniel Craig won’t be playing the lead in Tintin – your Tintin won’t be grunting bore with one facial expression and a comically low brow – instead he’ll be playing Red Rackham, who everyone knows as the sailor who has a brief scuffle with Captain Haddock and then dies very quickly. Which sort of arses up Daniel Craig’s franchise prospects, to be honest. Curses. Anyway, People reports:

He may routinely save the world as James Bond, but Daniel Craig is stepping into his bad-guy uniform, to play the evil seaman Red Rackham in the upcoming Steven Spielberg screen adaptation of The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn. The movie – in which Craig’s Defiance costar Jamie Bell plays the fearless young reporter Tintin – is already in production, in 3-D, say reports.

Forgetting Daniel Craig for a moment, it’s just nice that the Tintin movie has even made it into production – back in September it looked as though nobody wanted to pay for Tintin and the whole production looked in danger of hitting the skids.

That would have been doubly bad, because if Steven Spielberg’s Tintin movie didn’t get made then Peter Jackson’s planned sequel definitely wouldn’t have got made, and a world without five-hour, mind-bogglingly self-indulgent films about ginger Belgian racists who spend most of their time confusingly talking in mythical languages is a world we don’t really want to be in, frankly.

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Not any more, though. Daniel Craig is James Bond now, so that means that when you watch a James Bond film you’re essentially getting whatever happened in the last Bourne movie, but without any of the interesting bits about amnesia.

And this has upset Roger Moore. Moore says he’s saddened by all the flashy violence in the new Daniel Craig James Bond movies, and he wishes that 007 films could be more like the ones he made. The thing is, he’s got a point – we know we’d have enjoyed Quantum Of Solace quite a lot more if all the parkour scenes starred a wheezy old man in a corset who looks like he smells of urine-soaked leather instead of Daniel Craig.

Everyone has their favourite Bond. Purists like Sean Connery, discerning connoisseurs like George Lazenby, ironic students like Roger Moore, idiots like Timothy Dalton, people with weird preoccupations with space lasers like Pierce Brosnan and lonely single female office temps like Daniel Craig.

With each new James Bond comes a new reflection of the times. And, if you’ve seen Quantum Of Solace, you’ll know that the times we’re in now require a mute cardigan-wearing nightclub bouncer who smacks people in the face a lot and never ever tells any jokes ever.

Honestly, Quantum Of Solace is so brainlessly devoid of wit or substance that it’s just one giant Ebonics-speaking robot away from being a Michael Bay movie. In Quantum Of Solace, James Bond isn’t the stylishly bulletproof playboy that he’s supposed to be; he’s a squat thug who grunts a lot and – this is heartbreaking – doesn’t get to have sex with one of the Bond girls because she tells him that his mind is like a prison cell. He doesn’t even try to rape her. It’s such a letdown.

And we’re not the only ones disappointed by the new James Bond. The old James Bond is equally disappointed. Although he initially stuck up for Daniel Craig after his appointment as 007, Roger Moore has now decided that there’s too much bang bang and not enough kiss kiss in films like Quantum Of Solace. Reuters reports:

“I am happy to have done it, but I’m sad that it has turned so violent,” Moore said before “Quantum of Solace,” starring Daniel Craig as a darker Agent 007, opens in North America on Friday. “That’s keeping up with the times, it’s what cinema-goers seem to want and it’s proved by the box-office figures.”

Although Roger Moore does have a point – Quantum Of Solace would have been slightly more bearable if James Bond managed to crack a smile for even a second during it – we could all do well to remember that Roger Moore is an 81-year-old man and therefore automatically hates violence. Give him a week or two and we wouldn’t be surprised if he also starts complaining about how young policemen look and those fiddly new 5p coins.

And, who knows, maybe in 30 years’ time Daniel Craig will also complain about how violent James Bond has got. Admittedly for 007 movies to get any more violent than they already are, the next James Bond will need to be a cyborg with chainsaws for arms and a flamethrower rectum, but let’s not rule that out right now.

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Daniel Craig isn’t exactly renowned for his song and dance demeanour. He’s a serious actor and questions about his teeny shorts in Casino Royale or why he wore a lifejacket to avoid drowning three years ago are bound to annoy him.

Plus if he decided to chase us over a building site we’d make it about as far as the Portakabin before going into cardiac arrest. We’re gonna just stick to the new movie instead.

In most Bond films the girls either end up dead or bedded, or bedded then dead, or dead then bedded (Roge had terrible eyesight). Either that or they have eight vaginas like that lady in Octopussy and run a lesbian circus. So how have times changed? We’ll tell you how times have changed – the girls swear now. Swear, dammit!

“I think Bond is as misogynistic as he always was. But the difference is that we try to cast great actresses playing strong women who, if he misbehaves, will tell him to f**k off” commented Craig recently.

They’re not going to say that in the film of course. No Slovakian swearwords, but plenty of Craig grimacing like he’s just seen his STI results and killing people with whatever object Jason Bourne didn’t use.

This is new Bond; he’s canned the silly jokes and wants women to hate him as much as he does. Not too hard really, being as banging the world’s most visible spy invariably means being killed – by a bullet, Dobermans, or, if they’re really unlucky, Castrol GTX.

Craig knows times have changed however, so even if these new Bond girls are going to die, they are going give him some stick first.

“Instead of it being a giggling girl in a bikini – and there’s nothing wrong with giggling girls in bikinis, sometimes it’s quite nice – there are women who challenge him.“

Quantum of Solace features two new Bond ladies who look quite similar (in that they’re both not blondes), Olga Kurylenko as Camille and Gemma Arterton as Agent Fields.

Disappointingly their character names give little ammunition for sexist jibes, unless Bond tries a “ploughing the fields” gag, which is unlikely as laughs are banned in the cinema this time around. The only laugh you’re going to hear is when you hand over twenty quid at the concessions counter and expect some change.

For all those who have just re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, Quantum of Solace opens nationwide on 31st October. That is a whole two weeks before the Americans get it. Don’t gloat however; they’ve got an upcoming presidential election to get us back with first.

Not content with ruining the dreams and emotions of a billion little kids and a lot of adults who probably should know better, Daniel Radcliffe and company’s decision to move the new Harry Potter film to next summer has prompted Sony to push the upcoming James Bond flick – the one with the funny name – back.

Alright, so it’s only a week, with the film being pushed from November 7th to the 14th, but still – come on. Give us a break here.

The reason for the move was given as a simple one: ‘we want more money’. Technically not what they actually said, but ‘moving it closer to the Thanksgiving/Christmas market’ is pretty transparent when it comes to reasoning.

While we do wish we could live in a world where money wasn’t such a driving factor, where advertising wasn’t so rampantly killing off the reputations of entertainers and where focus groups didn’t decide what we could watch and when… well, we don’t. Which means you have to wait an extra week to see Quantum of Solace in the US.

We don’t, mind, as we’re in Britain. We still get the thing on October 31st, which makes us a great deal better than you, our wonderful trans-Atlantic chums. In your face! It also shows that the film isn’t being pushed back because of any kind of curse that may be going around, which is nice.

Speaking to Variety, the Sony chairman of something and something else blah distribution world said:

“We believe Nov. 14 is a great date that allows us to play straight through Thanksgiving and right into Christmas. We believe this decision will give the public a wider opportunity to see the film over the holiday.”

Like we said – it’s pretty transparent in the reasoning, but they still try and hide the fact that the decision was made for more delicious, life-giving money. Instead, it’s put as being for your benefit. Bless them – they really do care about you*.

Nevertheless, the wait for Jimmy Bond’s latest outing is sure to be worth it, with the trailer making it out to be one long fight. We’re not complaining – two hours of brawling is something hecklerspray would pay good money to see, along with paying $250 for other activities.

To make the wait that little bit easier, check out the official song to Quantum of Solace – far better than this poorly-thought-out effort by two relative unknowns – as provided by the world-renowned composer Joe Cornish**:

It certainly works better than the original teaser.

*They don’t care about you.

** This is all a lie. It is not the official song. He is a British comedian.

But Chilean mayors have it even better. Not only do they get the requisite bling/cake combo – we assume – but they also get to try and mow down iconic movie characters in their mayoral 4×4. On purpose.

Don't believe us? Then look at Carlos Lopez, mayor of Baquedano. He's been arrested for driving a car at James Bond star Daniel Craig during a scene as some form of protest. Lopez was either protesting about the heavy-handed nature of the Bond crew during filming or because he just thinks that A Quantum Of Solace is a really, really shitty name. Either way – mad props, you mental South American public official.

We're starting to think that Daniel Craig has a curse. For 44 years James Bond movies have tick-tocked by without any major incident, but as soon as Daniel Craig took over – whammo – everything falls to shit. People complained about Daniel Craig's blonde hair, his hatred of handguns, his inability to drive and his weird fondness for having his teeth smashed out by midgets. And that was just in Casino Royale.

It's eased off a bit for the new James Bond movie; now the only thing Daniel Craig has to worry about is the film's rubbish title - A Quantum Of Solace still sounds like the sort of over-pretentious cack that you only get from the top percentile of hopeless thesaurus addicts – and crazy South American mayors who try to run him over.

Filming for A Quantum Of Solace was disrupted earlier this week when Carlos Lopez, the mayor of Baquedano in Chile, stormed the set in his 4×4 during a scene and put his car between Daniel Craig and the camera. But don't worry – Carlos Lopez isn't crazy, he was just protesting about something, as The Independent reports:

"He got angry, entered into a private enclosure … caused public disorder and was detained," said a police official from Baquedano. "Now it is in the hands of the prosecutor." Mr Lopez is reported to have been angered by what he called an "excessive" police presence in the small town during filming, and the fact that Chilean soil was being used to represent neighbouring Bolivia… For a town that has just 1,000 residents, sending in special forces and water cannon, preventing people from walking in the street, reminded me of the worst of the Pinochet years."

So there you have it – conclusive proof that James Bond is basically General Pinochet in a pair of tiny blue speedos. And the consequences of this disruption are going to be huge for the local economy – chances are the 007 producers will look elsewhere next time they want to turn a town into a stereotypically dilapidated shanty town.

But if Carlos Lopez is right, then maybe his protest did have a point – all that disruption for a scene that'll probably just appear on screen for a few seconds seems a little bit heavy-handed. Although we still honestly believe that the reason for his protest was because Halle Berry wasn't included in the recent hecklerspray list of bad Bond girls.

If that's the case then it'll be the most preposterously extreme reaction to a hecklerspray article since The Great Haiku Syllable Skirmish Of November 2007. Well done, Carlos Lopez. You truly are the angry, confused mayor of our hearts.

Read more:

Irate Chilean mayor storms Bond set – Independent 

Us too. It's been almost a week since the new James Bond movie was officially given the title A Quantum Of Solace, and it hasn't got any less rubbish in the interim.

But fear not, because Daniel Craig has started to do interviews about A Quantum Of Solace in the hope that people will start saying "A Quantum Of Solace" so much soon that it'll lose all meaning and everyone will forget how godawful it actually is.

Since Bond 22 became A Quantum Of Solace last week, there's been an awful lot of head-scratching and knuckle-biting going on. Aside from the impenetrably crap name, we've had to deal with rumours that cacky 1980s dullards The Police are going to perform the theme-tune. And it was written by the writer of Million Dollar Baby! And it's got a serious director!

At this rate, James Bond wont even get to have sex with a woman whose name is a slightly Russian-sounding euphemism for anal sex in A Quantum Of Solace. And that'd be a disaster.

But mainly there's that title. A Quantum Of Solace. That sounds like something you'd ask a chemist for, not a two-hour blockbuster about a suave man shooting eastern Europeans in the forehead.

"Oh, but it's based on the title of an original Ian Fleming short story," the traditionalists cry, "That means it's keeping with the original artistic vision." Rubbish – if A Quantum Of Solace was anywhere close to being based on Fleming's vision of Bond then it'd feature Daniel Craig strutting round kicking pregnant women in the stomach and fantasising about rape and the exotic avocado fruit in equal measure.

But forget all that because A Quantum Of Solace is what we're stuck with. And, as the face and underwear of James Bond these days, it's fallen to Daniel Craig to try and make sense of the bloody thing and feed it back to stupid cattle like us who don't understand what a challenging title it is. Daniel Craig told IGN:

It's been going around for a while, we've been discussing it quite a while. We could have found a nippy title – we had plenty of suggestions that would look good on the poster. But we made a lot of effort last time around to take the film to a new place, and we want to continue to do that. So this title is meant to confuse a little. It's meant to make you wonder, and that's what we want – we want people thinking as they come into the film. When we first came up with the title I wasn't sure, but I've been re-reading the Fleming books, which I do when we start shooting because it passes the time. Fleming always has a very emotional line to his books, and that's where we kind of left the last movie.

And, to be fair, A Quantum Of Solace has made people think. It's made them either think "How am I supposed to be able to look people in the eye when saying the title of this movie?" and it's made them try to think of rhymes for the word 'solace' to go into the theme-tune.

And if that little explanation isn't enough, ComingSoon has a video filmed on the set of A Quantum Of Solace for you to watch. What secrets does it give away? Well, James Bond talks to a secretary, swings on a rope and walks around in the snow for a bit. Christ, we can't wait!

Read more:

Quantum of Solace Set Visit – IGN 

In fact the new Bond girl's name is actually quite easy to pronounce – it's Olga Kurylenko, female star of that recent Hitman film that nobody went to see.

And if you can't pronounce 'Olga Kurylenko' now you'd better put some time in, because not only is she destined to become a big star following her Bond girl role but at some point in the next decade you'll probably wind up as some sort of cowering low-ranked manservant to an all-powerful Russian oligarch and he'll probably beat you less if you're able to say that sort of name properly.

Daniel Craig hasn't had the easiest of rides as James Bond. Derided by the world for being blonde, hating guns and not being able to drive, Casino Royale was a baptism of fire for him, but you can't deny its success. Even though interminable stretches of the movie are based around James Bond playing cards – events so drearily uncinematic that someone decided to have them narrated by a whispering bearded Frenchman, of all things, to add a bit of zip – Casino Royale was stupidly popular at the box office, taking over $600 million around the world.

But that hasn't stopped the next James Bond film from veering off-course from time to time as well. First it was going to be directed by the Notting Hill bloke, then the Monster's Ball bloke; the release date got pushed back, nobody's even thought of a name for the bugger yet and Paul Haggis had to turn in a rushed script because of the writers' strike, which heightens the potential for crappiness somewhat. But at least the Bond 22 casting is going well.

Yesterday the internet was ablaze with rumours that Gemma Arterton from St Trinians was set to become the new Bond girl, but that's turned out to be bunkum. Yes, Gemma Arterton will be in Bond 22, but she won't be the Bond girl. Still, we hear that Screaming Woman In Hairdressers 4 is a meaty role and Gemma should be jolly well pleased to have it.

In fact, the new Bond girl has been announced as Olga Kurylenko. Don't worry if you've never heard of Olga Kurylenko, the Ukrainian model-turned-actress has only been in a handful of French films and the recent Hitman movie. In Bond 22 Olga will be playing Camille, a Bond girl who – in a refreshing break from tradition – will be 'mysterious' and 'dangerously alluring'. Not much else is known about this Camille character, although we imagine that if you watch any other James Bond film ever made ever you'll probably get a pretty good idea.

Still, whatever her role entails, we're sure that Olga Kurylenko will go onto to follow fellow Bond girls Eva Green and Halle Berry into the big time. So basically that means she'll either spend the rest of her life starring as minor flying witches in cackhanded kid-book remakes or you'll soon get to see Olga Kurylenko playing the lead in Catwoman 2: Attack Of The Furballs.

Read more:

Ukrainian actress to be Bond star – BBC 

But, by Christ, it will be soon enough. Daniel Craig has reportedly signed a deal to keep playing James Bond for another four movies, hopefully at the end of which he'll have perfected the wheezing belly/combover combination that everyone expects from 007. But at least Daniel Craig is getting properly reimbursed for it – according to rumours, the four-movie deal he's been given will make him the highest-paid actor in Britain, which should at least mean he won't feel the need to make cock like The Invasion again.

It's been a while since Daniel Craig was drafted in to replace Pierce Brosnan as James Bond after Brosnan reportedly wanted to take Bond in a more 'sweary car park paparazzi scuffle' direction. And Daniel Craig had a lot of opposition from just about the whole world, who disliked him speaking out against handguns and losing teeth-fights with midgets and having a face that looks like a potato that's been thrown through a pane of glass.

But Daniel Craig only went and pulled it off. Casino Royale became the most successful James Bond movie ever – even though it was beaten at the box office by some penguins – and fans went crazy for Daniel Craig's gritty portrayal of a completely humourless thug playing cards while a policeman loudly described exactly what was going on in the background. But what of the future?

Well, although the Casino Royale sequel – directed by him out of Monster's Ball – is due out next year, the future of Daniel Craig's Bond has been vastly uncertain. First he didn't want to make any more 007 films, then we didn't want him to make any more 007 after he revealed the new movie's Carry On direction, and now MGM has said he's going to keep making 007 films until the day that cloned nanobots become so intelligent that they make humans their slaves. Or about 10 years, whichever comes soonest. The Guardian reports:

Hollywood studio MGM has signed the British actor, who won plaudits for his tough and rugged 007 in Casino Royale, for another four movies. It was already known that Craig would don the tuxedo jacket a second time for the forthcoming 22nd Bond film, but his further plans had been unclear. Now his future at MI6 seems assured. According to the Hollywood Reporter, Harry Sloan, MGM's chief executive and chairman, "signed Daniel Craig to do four more James Bond films" because franchises are the "the bases of any studio".

Looking at Daniel Craig's new deal objectively, it's hard not to get excited. The five-movie canon of James Bond films will give Daniel Craig the perfect 007 career trajectory – after the hungry reimagining of Casino Royale, there'll be the triumphant follow-up, then the complacent third movie, then the fourth movie that nobody goes to see and finally the fifth re-reimagining where a paunchy 50-year-old Daniel Craig teams up with German ladyspy Mingey McOrgasm and uses his laser cufflinks and invisible helicopter to try to save the world from a crazed madman who lives in a cave made out of diamonds in the centre of the Earth's core and wants to rule the world by pulling the moon out of the sky with a big rope.

And that's the James Bond movie we want to see. 

Read more:

MGM Extends Craig's Licence To Kill - Guardian