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Daily Mail

The Daily Mail Paradox

by Michael Park

Who ever said that the Daily Mail wasn’t a source of intellectual nourishment? What callous, idiotic fool would say that there’s anything in the Daily Mail that wouldn’t result in a person having a far more positive and enlightened outlook on the world? Surely it’s a well established fact that the Daily Mail is one [...]

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No, Honestly, David Duchovny Really Didn’t Shag The Tennis Lady

by Stuart Heritage

He might be a sex addict, but remember that David Duchovny has feelings – well, not on his penis, we’re presuming that he wore all the nerve ending off that years ago.

But, anyway, David Duchovny has feelings, and those feelings are easily hurt. For example, why do you think that David Duchovny hasn’t directed a movie since 2004′s House Of D? Because that movie was so hamfisted and borderline offensive that nobody dares let him behind a camera again? No, it’s because the critical reaction hurt his feelings. Probably.

Something else that hurts David Duchovny’s feelings is when people say he’s been having sex with people he hasn’t been having sex with. So when The Daily Mail claimed that David Duchovny had a full-blown sexual affair with his tennis coach, his feelings were hurt immeasurably. You couldn’t put a price on how hurt David Duchovny was. But if you had to, it’d be $1 million. And David wants that money now. Now. No, really. Now.

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Lisa Marie Presley Sues For Not Being A Massive Lardarse

by Stuart Heritage

Because she’s pregnant, Lisa Marie Presley has very naturally bloated out to the size of, say, Luxembourg – but that doesn’t mean she’s very happy about it.

You see, Lisa Marie Presley was only forced into confirming the pregnancy because The Daily Mail ran some pictures of her looking so fat that you’d think she needed to be transported everywhere on a reinforced forklift truck.

But Lisa Marie Presley isn’t fat, she’s pregnant. And so wounded by the thought that a British newspaper would have the nerve to call her fat that she’s suing The Daily Mail. Nobody knows what Lisa Marie Presley will spend her damages on if she’s successful, but the smart money’s on cake. Cake and biscuits. And pies. Oh, and sausages. Lots of delicious sausages.

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