If you’ve ever been told to stop making a boob of yourself, then usually you’re doing something stupid like stirring a cup of coffee with your wang. Just us? Anyway, in the case of Holly Madison, if she didn’t have her busters, her income would dry up faster than a cream-cracker in the Mojave Desert.

When Holly was growing up, she didn’t want to be a doctor. Instead, her dream was to walk around in hardly any clothing whilst her employee Hugh Hefner furiously rubbed his thighs so much that his shrivelled love stick would get a friction burn.

Unless she has a fetish for pensioners, Holly Madison was one of Hefner’s many paid girlfriends, but now she’s free from wrinkled clutches, she’s being her own woman! Sadly, feminists will be dismayed to hear that she still requires her chest to get through life and has just taken out an insurance plan on her knockers.

Not many people will have had the opportunity to feel a Playboy playmates bosom, but because we vaguely care about our readers, we know how to create an almost identical experience that’ll make you think you’re groping Holly Madison.

Just like most of the hecklerspray writers, we assume that you’re a pathetic and lonely individual who doesn’t have a willing girlfriend who’s prepared to help you out.

To recreate the strange situation of touching Madison’s bazangers, simply go to the kitchen and get two rubber plunger heads filled with pâté, shove them down your t-shirt and let the fondling commence.

You see, Holly Madison isn’t naturally gifted when it comes to the boob department. Overnight, a magic nork fairy didn’t magically enhance her. Instead, she plumped up to a D-cup from an A-cup all thanks to the wonders of silicon. Effectively, all those provocative pictures she’s the star of are making her look like a walking portfolio for the surgeons who sliced her upon and injected her with goo.

Knowing she’s made of plastic that could start to degrade, she said the following about her insurance:

“If anything happened to my boobs, I’d be out for a few months and I’d probably be out a million dollars. I thought I’d cover my assets.”

Cover her assets indeed!

Let’s face it, due to the nature of the business she’s in, covering her assets is the last thing she should do.

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Hugh Hefner is not a happy man. Is it because he sincerely thought Crystal Harris was his true love and there was genuine shock and misery at her jilting him at the altar, before going on to say nasty things about his prowess in the bedroom?

Or is it because his male pride is taking an absolute hammering?

Whatever it is, he’s not about to start taking insults from an air-head like that! No way! So is he coming out fighting and saying that she has unsightly moles on her mons or that she actually has a dozen teats down her stomach like some pig in a boob tube? Of course he isn’t. He’s pointed at his chap and saying ‘Yeah? I totally do sex with it all the time. Like, a million times a day. And all the women can’t walk properly. After I’ve had sex with them I mean. I’m not using my wonder wand on people in wheelchairs. Although I would because I’ve got no problem with them. Can I have a lie down now? A normal one, not a sex one. Thanks. I get ever so tired.’

Anyway, Harris said that the Boob Magnate lasted “two seconds” in the sack, which saw Hefner coming out with boxing gloves on to sort all this out. Alas, he’s so old, that he couldn’t quite lift his hands up into the fighting position, leaving him trying to generate enough moisture from his body to create a solitary tear of frustration.

Well kinda.

What Hef actually did was to say that Harris “lied about our relationship” before going on about how they were at it all the time.

“For the record, I have sex on a weekly basis. And I did throughout my two-and-a-half years with Crystal.”

Crikey. He must be bored to tears of having the old in/out. If he’s done it at least once a week, that’s 52 times a year. Now multiply that by the 39,762 years he’s been on this Earth and… well… we shudder to think how he gets his kicks these days.

It seems variety is the spice of life as Hef added:

“My sex life involves more than one partner and has since the end of my marriage in 1998″

“There’s safety in numbers. When I try to settle down [like I did with] Crystal, I get burned.”

It won’t be too long before a young, nubile woman wants to marry the incredibly wealthy grot vendor, so he’ll be okay. Or dead soon.

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We were all pretty shocked when Crystal Harris decided to ditch Playboy founder, Hugh Hefner, just days before she was due to walk up the altar. They seemed like such a lovely couple. Perfect for each other in fact!

Alas, it wasn’t to be and us mere mortals were denied the greatest love story ever told.

Not that there was much lovin’ going on. See, Crystal has decided to spill the beans on the couple’s sex life… or should we say, lack of it. So little nookie was had that Harris claims that she never even saw Hef naked. As a little treat for her, we’ve decided to share our picture of Hefner with no clothes on with her.

The runaway snide has said that she had never seen the 85-year-old boob mogul sans clothes:

“Hef doesn’t really take off his clothes. I have never seen him naked”

That doesn’t mean she didn’t get bizzay with him though. Of course she did. That’s how she snared him isn’t it? He clearly didn’t like her for ability to keep their sexual antics private.

This could be something to do with the fact that they only had sex once during their two-year relationship, and that it lasted “like about two seconds.”

Lovely. She added, like it was some kind of surprise:

“I just like, walked away. I am not turned on by Hef. Sorry”

Anyone would think this was some kind of cold-eyed, cynical careerist move on her part wouldn’t they? Well, just so she has to endure the same horrors we’ve been enduring, we’re finally leaking our image of Hef naked that we’ve had all these years.

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Hugh Hefner has invented a cloning machine. We’re presupposing as much because yet another girlfriend has been added to Hugh’s arsenal of glorified ladies of the night. Ever heard of November 2011 Playboy Playmate Shera Bechard? No? Us neither.

A little too old for his tastes, we think, Shera is the 27-year-old new girlfriend of the 85-year-old smut-peddler. Yes, that’s another one since last Monday when he confirmed that Anne Sophie Berglund and the Shannon twins were back in his harem.

In what reads like the world’s most convoluted ploy for publicity, Hugh has used the break-up with Crystal Harris to pimp his forthcoming Playboy issues and the latest non-descript blonde who’s going to age out within a year.

Into his cloning device, Hugh puts thongs, botox, implants, and too much bleach. Clearly, the machine’s in need of fine tuning. None the less, it’s a work of sheer wizardry. All you would need is some ointment to soothe the itch from the nasties picked up in the literally filthy mansion and you would have a party in a box.

Speaking of boxes, being too literal for our own good, Hugh patronizingly called Anna his ‘one in a million… darling… best girl’ only last week.

This week, he added Shera. ‘Shera is both our November 2011 Playmate & my new girlfriend,’ Hugh told a Twitter follower on Monday.

Seeing this, his new plaything, with fully adjustable limbs, wrote that she ‘really does love’ the man with whom she has been enjoying early bird dinners.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

The lies with which Heidi Montag is filled are the softest known to man. So, when you give her a squeeze, you can’t tell she’s fake. Realising that her star has lost its luster, Heidi has taken to flat-out embellishing about her disfigured form in order to remain in the media. And, because we’re a giving bunch, we’re going to oblige my mocking her.

Heidi hasn’t been in the news much, for the better part of a year. The last thing she really did was mutilate herself, of her own free will, on the operating table, while bemused photographers from an American magazine watched on. Pretty much, that was the last thing she did, except fake a divorce and fake the release of a sex tape, to keep herself in the tabloids.

It’s a pretty sad state of affairs that that’s what it takes to remain on television. At least the Kardashians were willing to take one in the eye for the team and be a little more open about their lack of talent. It’s the smoke, mirrors and subterfuge that’s bothersome with Heidi.

Having nothing but her inflatables and low self-esteem to promote on the world’s stage, Heidi spent the weekend with Crystal Harris. The same Crystal who dumped Hugh Hefner five days before a wedding she admitted she’d pressured him into. The two girls aren’t friends, to be clear. They’re just equally attention-seeking and Heidi invited Crystal to spend the weekend at a promotional pool party in Las Vegas. Their jobs? To stand there, all fake-tanned, and stage awkward photos together.

This is the first event in some time for which anyone’s been willing to pay Heidi. Which hasn’t escaped her.

Months ahead of time, she began to prepare for the pool party/ photo call, fearing that she’d become overweight. Then she slimmed down and lied about working out 14-hours-a-day, every day, for months, to lose 27 pounds.

“I’ve been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I’ve been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape,” she told Us Weekly. “And I was actually a lot overweight. It was the most I’ve ever been because I’ve kind of been in hiding eating pie with my husband and puppies, so I needed to get back in shape.” At her heaviest, the 5?2? reality star claimed she weighed 130 pounds; she’s currently back down to 103. How did the Hills alum lose 27 pounds so quickly? “I’ve been running a lot, and I’ve been doing weights,” she said. “When you work out, you boost your metabolism, so you have to [make sure you eat enough].”

Worse still, she nearly burst her inflatables with all that exercise. Won’t someone think of the breasts. Oh, the humanity!

“My breasts, because they’re so big, really needed some time,” she explained. “So I’m just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that’s normal.”

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so three stinkin’ cheers for that.

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It takes a lot of work to be described as a legend. You have to be dedicated to what you do and do it well for years of your life. Eventually, your achievement is such that your creation will be on any imaginable number of products that make less and less sense. Imagine your logo on bottle openers and the front of thongs! Imagine! The logo that has become synonymous with the objectification of women or, as others like to think of it, baps and bush.

Imagine you created that. Imagine you’re Hugh Hefner. Just take thirty seconds and imagine that. Have you lost your erection and/or heightened state of sexual arousal? Yes, of course you have.

Shrivelled titfid Hugh Hefner is reported to have moved on from ex-fiancée Crystal Harris,  despite their engagement only ending last week. The renowned smoking jacket wearer is said to have been so aroused by his new ‘target’ that he almost managed to allow enough blood to rush to his flaccid member to allow its non-artificial engorgement. That’s love in the Playboy Mansion.

According to Popeater, the Playboy founder has sparked a romance with Anna Sophia Berglund, better known as this year’s Playboy ‘Miss January’. You might not know her as that, given that you’ve probably yanked your way through five more months by now and have forgotten what she looks like.

“It’s clear Hef has moved on to Anna,” a source claimed while faking climax. The source went on to claim that they had been part of seven-way where Hefner had screamed “GET OFF HER!” at a moment of orgasm which, hecklerspray is led to believe, is the accepted sign that Hef has taken a shine to one of the girls.

Berglund has apparently moved into Hefner’s bedroom, and the two were said to have been kissing and cuddling throughout a recent movie night at the mansion but there was no mention of anything else – thank god.

Earlier this week Crystal Harris called off her engagement to Hefner less than a week before their wedding. Sources close to Harris claimed that the constant female presence in the Playboy mansion had played a significant part in her decision to end the engagement. Celebrity commentators have all let out a collective “Thanks, Captain Obvious.”

Harris is also said to have been alarmed by the Pope’s recent appearance on a balcony.

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In perhaps the most shocking news of… well… an entire generation of human beings, Hugh Hefner’s relationship with Crystal Harris is over. Who would have ever thought that those two – one a similar age to fossil fuels, the other a 25 year old with dollar signs in her eyes – wouldn’t work out?

And all this happened 5 days before their wedding, which was going to be entirely pink.

Shame. We would have liked to see Hef in a pink tux, struggling to stay on his feet for the duration of a wedding service while a young woman stood beside him, licking her lips seductively at Hugh’s younger pals.

The Playboy founder, mournfully caressing his penis pump, acknowledged the split via Twitter yesterday. Harris also came out with a statement:

“After much deep reflection and thought, I have decided to end my engagement with Hef. I have the utmost respect for Hef and wish him the best going forward.”

Going forward? The poor old coot is so ancient that he’s probably only got a matter of days to live. And a woman call Crystal had decided to stomp on his heart, which resembled dried fruit covered in dust anyway.

You heartless, grinning monster.

So who is she looking at for a ride instead? Well, people are coughing the name Jordan McGraw, but Harris’ rep says this is a “complete fabrication.” Besides, what’s the betting that Hef wouldn’t really mind if she played away? It seems likely that Hefner would like to get married and still enjoy the nubile gals of his Playboy Mansion, even if it does take him around 3 months to get something close to an erection.

Another rumour is that Crystal wanted more than her “couple hundred dollar” weekly allowance from Hugh (which is achingly sweet… we reckon that Hef still thinks you can buy a house for $1,000 and that cola still has cocaine in it) which was hampering her dreams of a singing career.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Still, we imagine Hugh will be generating a single, solitary tear tonight (which, thanks to the lack of moisture in his ancient body, will probably see him lose a limb) before he has his Ovaltine and switches on his electric blanket.

The greatest love-affair the world ever knew is finally over. Love is dead.

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See that headline? That’s a complete lie – Hugh Hefner’s new girlfriend is gaspingly identical to every single one of her predecessors.

Sorry. We just thought that it’d make a nice change from you having to read the headline ‘Hugh Hefner’s New Girlfriend Is A Dim-Looking Blonde Woman With Great Big Tits’ for once. We were thinking of you, honest.

But anyway, who is Hugh Hefner’s new girlfriend? Why it’s Crystal Harris, a dim-looking blonde woman with great big tits and… no, actually that’s it. Basically we’re saying that if you removed Crystal Harris’ hair and breasts, you’d essentially be left with a doorstop.

2009 looks set to be a magical year for Hugh Hefner. It’s the year he’ll celebrate his 83rd birthday, at which point the thought of him having sex with a robotic bimbo a quarter of his age will miraculously become incrementally creepier.

And make no mistake, Hugh Hefner is going to have lots of creepy borderline-arthritic sex with robotic bimbos a quarter of his age this year. For a while at the tail-end of last year it didn’t look like it’d happen, with girlfriends leaving him either because they wanted to get married to athletes or because they wanted to find a boyfriend whose naked body didn’t look and feel exactly like a big pink chicken wattle. We presume.

But this year Hugh Hefner is back up to his wazoo in girlfriends. He has the teenage twins from his Christmas card who rarely wear more than a thin coat of emulsion, and now he’s decided to reveal the latest name in his roster. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for you to meet Crystal Harris.

Yes, Crystal Harris. That’s really her name. We believe it’s because she’s got an arsehole made of quartz. But that’s neither here or there. We’ll let the New York Daily News do the introductions:

“I believe in opening your heart and letting your walls down, it is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all,” Harris says on her site, which is peppered with Disney characters, cute animals, inspirational quotes and plenty of pink. And, of course, the ubiquitous lingerie photos. Harris hasn’t posed for her boyfriend’s magazine.

So, she likes opening her heart and letting her walls down, eh? We’re not too sure we’d trust this Crystal Harris character as a cardiac surgeon or an architect if we’re honest. Unless both of those things were just euphemisms for her vagina. In which case we might consider letting her perform some form of minor open-chest surgery on us, but only under the proper supervision.

Aside from the blonde hair and the big boobs, it goes without saying that Hugh Hefner likes Crystal Harris for her mind. And who wouldn’t, when her MySpace page lists such a diverse array of interests:

“the rain, the seasons, fast cars, good food, volunteering, great company, caring and honest people, the ocean and animals.”

Ah, the rain and seasons, even though one of those aforementioned seasons is generally notorious for a lack of rain. And notice that while Crystal Harris likes great company, she only likes good food. Serve her great food and she’ll spit it all back in your face, you worthless bastard. Also, we can’t help but notice that Crystal Harris missed ‘having sex with millionaire octogenarians purely because they’ll let me be in their reality TV show and they might leave me the mansion when they die’ off the list.

Funny that.

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