CHRIST ON A BIKE, it’s been a whole week since we’ve been here! Can you believe it?!! That was rhetorical. Shut up. Now that Pat has been airlifted out of this world to the tune of Sweet Caroline, it’s time to get back to the real world, and by real world we mean an entirely fictitious one, created to make you waste several hours of your life when you could be saving kittens or learning to read.

Ready?

First this week it’s Eastenders, where the Bianca and Ricky saga continues to bore the living shit out of everyone as it’s now been running since 1993. They’re back together. No wait, they’re splitting up. Oh hang on they’re back together. OH JUST DIE. LEAVE. TOGETHER. OR SEPARATELY. WE DON’T CARE.  Want to know what happens? Just YouTube Eastenders from 1998 and save us the agony of discussing it any further.

Other characters do stuff too! The new Lucy now officially hates Mandy and decides to set her up by scoring some pills from her and then craftily arranging it for Bobby to find them.  Then off she pops to befriend Dr Death’s daughter Afia and lead her astray whilst homosexual husband stalker Amira scowls at her with her long face.

Rubbish crime fighter DCI Marsden is sniffing around Ben, hoping that the little weasel will tell her everything about Phil’s involvement in The Cut and Shut of  2008 or The Great Train Robbery of 1903, or that time he walked out of Tesco with a Twix in his trolley and didn’t pay for it; it’s all the same to her. She wants him GAWN and quite frankly so do we.  Of course Ben feels rejected by Phil once again and tells Marsden he wants to change his statement, opening the fiery gates and unleashing another 75 weeks of ‘Will Phil Mitchell Get Away With It?’ storyline hell.

In other news, Lauren is annoyed at being grounded. That’s cutting edge stuff right there.

Next up we trudge over to Coronation Street where we’re hoping that Becky has dropped off the face of the earth. Sadly we find out this isn’t so and she’s been busy trying to clear her name and demanding answers from Deirdre, who should still be in prison for overacting and thinking that she could ever bag a pilot.

To cut a long tedious story short, Tracy had a miscarriage the day before Becky pushed her down the stairs and is therefore a big stinking liar but you already knew this. Danny then stuns Becky, not with a taser unfortunately but with a proposition. He wants her to go to Barbados with him for ever. And ever. And ever. Let it be good news this time.

Kevin receives his divorce papers and commiserates with Tyrone and it looks like the world’s most uninspiring friendship could be on the mend.

SHOCKING STORY LINE OF THE WEEK!!!

Owen hits Faye because she was responsible for killing the fish. We don’t even know who Faye is but she sounds like a complete prick.

Faye had been planning this for weeks.

Finally we run at full speed towards Hollyoaks because it’s very likely that someone will take their top off and we won’t care what happens for at least three minutes or possibly even six minutes if we light some sexy candles first. It seems that Dennis faces a DILEMMA SO HUGE we had to use capitals- He can either take his dream job in Dubai or stay and declare his love for Leanne. Callum with the drawn on beard is concerned about George for reasons we didn’t bother looking into and  Lynsey persuades Cheryl not to give up on her dream. Of going to Uni. Really?

That’s it. What more do you want?

Once again. Shut. Up.

Former actor, soon to be convict, Wesley Snipes has said that he’s pretty nervous about going to jail. Not surprising really. Prison is horrible. It is filled with people covered in tattoos who want to stove your head in and/or bum you something rotten. And Snipes is a hot piece of celebrity ass.

With legal challenges falling flat on their face, Snipes is looking for divine intervention.

That’s right – Snipes is hoping that Jesus Christ Our Lord will come and magic this all away, despite the fact that the Holy Ghost is probably making preparations for his birthday which is a matter of days away. No rest for the blessed.

Said Snipes to CNN:

“We still have prayers out there. We still believe in miracles. So don’t send me up the river yet.”

Is someone going to tell him that he’s asking a fictional character for help? Seriously. He may as well say ‘I’m hoping that Superman has heard my pleas and that he’s gonna come and bust me out of this situation with his laser eyes and junk.‘

The actor has some more praying to do before he reports to McKean Federal Correctional Institution in Lewis Run, Pennsylvania, Thursday where he’ll begin serving a three-year sentence for failing to file tax returns.

He’s also sensibly doing something about it legally because Jesus has clearly got other things to be getting on with (tax returns notoriously turn Jesus off). He’s still waiting on the results of his appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court, which is probably going to fail.

“I think any man would be nervous if his liberty is at stake. I’m disappointed that the system seems not to be working for me in this situation.”

The system that is failing him currently is one that is angry about the fact someone may have earned $40 million since 1999 but not bothered to pay any taxes from it. Of course, Snipes disputes this, saying:

“This is another thing that has been misreported: It has been framed that I was a conspirator and that I was an architect in a scheme by an organization that has been characterized as tax protesters.”

“The press hasn’t reported that I was a client of people who I trusted [who] had knowledge and expertise in the areas of tax law that would protect my interests.”

Pardon? Some shadowy advisor told him that they weren’t gonna bother paying taxes and it would all work out just fine? Really?

“It’s been presented as though I’m worthy of this punishment. I’ve been a law-abiding citizen ever since I grew up in the Bronx, New York.”

Apart from paying your taxes since 1999. And some crimes against acting and film-making.

But we’ve got it all wrong.

“There have been some egregious and very malicious efforts to report the facts of this case.”

“They claimed that there was a certain number that was owed and that number has been all over that place. The press has escalated it and changed it a number of times. But we think we are fully complaint with what was owed.”

So he HAS paid his taxes then? So why is he asking Jesus to wash this all away? We’re confused and frankly, beginning to not care. We just want to make stupid jokes at someone’s expense without getting bogged down in all this legal bollocks.

We’ll close with this – Wesley Snipes is going to be someone’s bitch in prison and Jesus is just going to float around him doing nothing because he must be some kind of bearded, celestial pervert or something.

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Remember when Wesley Snipes was an actor? Remember ‘White Men Can’t Jump’ and the Blade trilogy? They were successful weren’t they? He probably made a lot of money off the back of those films.

Sadly, Snipes didn’t fancy paying all that nasty tax that people stick on your wages, leaving him with a really boring criminal record.

Worse still is that Snipes has been ordered to start his three-year sentence for his failure to cough-up his taxes. A not-so lovely stay at a federal prison in Pennsylvania is due to start next week and there’s probably gigantic men already stroking their members in preparation for the appearance of some famous ass in the showers.

The US Marshal’s Office issued a notice ordering Snipes to voluntarily surrender at the Federal Correctional Institution McKean in Lewis Run, Pennsylvania, by noon on December 9th.

Of course, Snipes isn’t just sat in bed smoking tabs and waiting the cops to turn up at his house. Nope, he’s been trying to stay a free bird on bail while appealing his conviction to the US Supreme Court.

The US Supreme Court have, presumably, got more important things to do.

According to documents obtained by TMZ, Snipes got an ominous warning from the U.S. Marshals Service:

“Failure to report at the designated place and time may result in additional criminal charges.”

Snipes can appeal all he wants – it really does look like this is it for him. So, if White Men Can’t Jump, it seems like Actors Can’t Avoid The Law Unless They’re Lindsay Lohan.

Hard cheese Wes. Perhaps you should flash your genitals at some photographers while you still have the chance.

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How we all snorted and laughed when N-Dubz first arrived on the pop scene. Early videos of the group looked and sounded like a hilarious satire on hip-hop. The clothes, the music defied belief. We howled with laughter like the blithering know-nothing clowns we really are.

Of course N-Dubz went on to make a hatful of huge pop-smashes and showed something beneath that grisly veneer that suggests that they actually know what they’re doing and not in fact another stupid scally outfit designed to fill the brief Rockports of East 17 and Dane Bowels.

Naturally, when you get famous, people want a piece of you and, in the case of Tulisa from N-Dubz, they go as far as actually stealing stuff from your house.

Thanks to the TV show that the group have been involved in called Being… N-Dubz, criminals have been able to check out Tulisa’s house just enough to know where it was and presumably, what booty lay in store for them. Of course, booty in this case is akin to pirate treasure as opposed to Tulisa’s back-end.

Tulisa is now furious with her manager who approved the footage that was aired and is invariably giving him immense earache. You can decide whether that’s a reference to her occasional strops seen on TV or whether I mean her singing voice.

Manager Jonathan Shalit is now being asked to pay for CCTV to be installed at her house out of his own pocket. Don’t worry Mr Manager Man, you can dip into the band’s kitty when they’re on tour or, if worst comes to worst, you can sell incriminating CCTV footage to the papers if it all goes belly up.

But first, he’ll have to get past the guard that Tulisa is now demanding at her £550,000 house in Watford, Herts. They have houses that expensive in Watford? Really? I’ve been. It’s rubbish.

A pal said:

“As far as Tulisa’s concerned it is her manager’s fault that thieves broke in and tried to nick a plasma TV. She has been ranting about how she wants to sack him.”

Failing that, Dappy can send a few abusive text messages to him threatening to kill his face off or something.

Introducing the first of our new squadron of guest-bloggers, Jamie Ross from the utterly wonderful cancerouscapers.blogspot.com…

There are many things to admire about Jordan. After all, it can’t be easy looking after such massive tits – especially when one of them is Peter Andre.

This is why that, when Jordan speaks, literally everyone in the world listens. Barack Obama’s inauguration held little significance for Jordan as she encounters frenzied crowds of millions almost everywhere she goes, chanting her name and hanging on to her every utterance.

With such responsibility, Jordan takes meticulous care of what message she spreads and only releases carefully thought-out statements of peace, love and understanding to her fellow man. It is for this exact reason that Jordan has called for all sex offenders to be raped up the bum, and about ruddy time too!

“The way I see it is an eye for an eye. So if someone rapes a girl he should be bent over and the same thing done to him. I’m sorry that’s just the way I feel. I’m very strict.”

It can only be assumed that, in Jordan’s vast and powerful mind, ‘very strict’ means ‘a titting moron’. It’s not so much ‘an eye for an eye’ as ‘a massive sex crime for a massive sex crime’, but there is little doubt that the church will be thrilled that a biblical quote has been used to promote this wholesome message. A one hundred percent increase in rape will surely mend Broken Britain.

There is, however, one flaw in her otherwise Utopian manifesto. If all rapists are to be raped by someone themselves, where does the chain end? Upon committing a sex crime, will the guilty man have to join in a seven mile-long conga-line of copulating men? Or will Her Majesty seek out secret agents, licensed to bum? Only one woman holds the answer.

This is surely only the beginning of a soaring career in politics for Jordan, and we can barely wait for the next breathtaking piece of legislation in her campaign for ironic justice. But sadly, for now, a world where arsonists are burned at the stake and graffitists get ‘fanny’ tattooed on their filthy criminal faces remains a distant dream.

You can have your sodding Barack Obama, America; perhaps one day you’ll produce as insightful a visionary as our big-titted messiah.

If you like this entry, be sure to check out Jamie’s blog at cancerouscapers.blogspot.com. It’s really rather good, you know.

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OK, we take it all back, we never want to be Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend – it turns out that you have to actually rob God to keep up with her.

Just look at poor old Raffaello Follieri. He faces four years in jail for a litany of wire fraud offences stemming from his fraudulent claims to be close to the Vatican, but none of it is his fault. In fact, if you want to blame anyone you should point the finger at people like his moviestar ex-girlfriend Anne Hathaway.

According to Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer, he only start conning people out of their savings to keep up with the lavish lifestyle that celebrities like Anne Hathaway lead. And there isn’t a single reason why we shouldn’t believe him, except that Raffaello Follieri is a convicted conman and Anne Hathaway has perfect skin and dreamy eyes that you could drown in. Oh screw it, we’re going on the rob as well. Hathaway must be ours!

Men turn to crime for many different reasons. Some are desperate and some are simply opportunists, but not Raffaello Follieri. Raffaello Follieri turned to crime for the purest reason there is – he wanted to dick an actress.

Chances are you know Raffaello Follieri’s story by now – how he played up false ties to the Catholic Church to con strangers out of millions of dollars in dodgy property deals and got arrested and now faces a four-year jail sentence – but we’ve only just learnt why it all happened.

It’s because all Raffaello Follieri wanted to do was keep his girlfriend Anne Hathaway happy and stocked up with flowers and jewellery and boxes of puppies and expensive breakfast cereal and whatever product it is that keeps her hair so lustrous and sexy. And the only way he could do that was to bring misery to a series of innocent property investors. If anything it should be Anne Hathaway who’s in prison, the bitch.

We’re paraphrasing, but that’s more or less the jist of the papers recently submitted to court by Raffaello Follieri’s lawyer requesting a sentence of three, rather than four, years in jail. The exact wording is:

When he was only 24 years old, this young man from a small city in the South of Italy found himself a successful international entrepreneur befriended by the rich and famous…He was surrounded by movie stars and celebrities and this young man who neither drinks nor smokes became intoxicated with it all. Unfortunately he lacked the resources to maintain the opulent life style of his new friends. Even more unfortunately, he had almost unfettered access to hundreds of thousands of dollars…

OK, OK Raffaello, you’ve won us over. That sounds like a marvellous property deal. Now where do we sign the… hey! Wait a minute! That wasn’t even a paragraph about your property scam and you still almost managed to con us out of our savings. You’re good, Follieri, we’ll give you that.

There’s another week to go until we can find out if Rafaello Follieri’s plea worked, because that’s when his sentencing is due. In the meantime, all he can do is sit and reflect on all the trouble that having a movie star girlfriend like Anne Hathaway can cause.

In fact we should all reflect on that. Let’s make a pact – none of us will go out with Anne Hathaway in case we’re dragged into a life of crime to fund it. Instead, we should probably all turn our sights onto Jennifer Aniston, because we hear that she lets you be her boyfriend for a ham sandwich and a go on your rollerskates.

For ages, hecklerspray believed that the most intimate act a married couple could engage in was the exchange of saliva when ramming their tongues down each others throats.

However, we were proven wrong when we were told that a couple can prove their love for each other by ‘creating a baby’. This literally knocked us back, throwing into disarray our previous notion that a child is created using flour, the tears of an orphan, vanilla extract, nail clippings and the sweat from a man/woman depending on what sex you wanted the child to be.

In days gone by, people would takes months to even kiss each other – never mind engage in any sexual goings on. Having a baby would only happen a good few years after marriage, under the eyes of God and surrounded by an approving society. However, we now live in a culture where a girl will flash her tits for half a pint of lager or for a couple of cold chips.

So just imagine our disgust when we found out our number one celebrity fan and all round grasper of swear words Lee Ryan has left his pregnant fiancée of eight months.

Ages ago, Lee Ryan called hecklerspray scribbler Chris Laverty a “cunt” after reading a story about pop-demigods Blue being mime artists on stage. A pop band not singing live? That’s like saying they don’t write their own songs. When will the lies stop?

We decided to stick by our Lee despite his misspelt messages to the hecklerspray Myspace page and sometimes our personal accounts. From the lows of walking out of Hell’s Kitchen and lamping a taxi driver, we’ve been there for our bruv. Granted, there haven’t been any highs for him yet like a Mercury Prize nomination, but we still have expectations of him.

It’s only recently come to our attention that Lee did indeed find love – hooray! We were just about to crack open some Superbrew to celebrate, but then we found out a few things. His girlfriend Samantha Miller didn’t meet him in a fancy restaurant or nightclub. No, she got her tits out and sent him the pictures through Myspace. Who says romance is dead? Not our Lee of course, who fell head over heels for Samantha. Likely because he didn’t have to pay 35p to see a pair of boobs in The Sun.

More than likely this story will be sold to a tacky women’s magazine, but a source told the Daily Star:

“She is distraught and doesn’t know what to do – it is horrible enough to be dumped any time, but with her pregnancy, and all her hopes they would build a future as a family, it has left her in tears.”

In the interests of fairness, a friend of the elephant man – possibly Laverty – said:

“They’ve only been dating a few months and we didn’t expect him to settle down any time soon.”

Samantha was a fan of Blue in her youth and was said to have pictures of Lee all over her room. These days she’s five months pregnant and all alone in the world. It looks like she may have to sell those much-loved wall coverings to afford clothing for the child now.

We believe this proves that Lee is not actually sexually attracted to humans, but actually elephants. No-one with any sort of morals would do such a thing to a lady who’s up the duff. Remember everyone; this is the bloke who thought 9/11 was a drop in the ocean compared to the plight of the elephants.

Reports that he has moulded his penis to resemble an elephant’s trunk are unconfirmed and we aren’t volunteering to find out. Maybe a fan from Myspace can confirm or deny things for us in a few months. Though, to be honest, everyone knows Facebook is where it’s at these days.

Noel Gallagher isn't so much the voice of youth these day as the voice of weirdly arrested lad-dad Tim Lovejoy clones who refuse to accept that it isn't still 1996.

Or that's what we thought. Turns out we were being a little bit hopeful – in actual fact Noel Gallagher is slowly morphing into a Daily Telegraph letter-writer. While picking up an award recently, Noel decided to speak out about hoodies and knife crime and how it's all probably got something to do with computer games.

He went into a little more detail than that, but anyone wanting to hear more of Noel Gallagher's thoughts on society would be well advised to buy the forthcoming Oasis album Bloody Immigrants (And Don't Get Me Started On The NHS).

When you're the principle songwriter in a band like Oasis, there are only a few rules you need to live your life by. One is that the words 'fly', 'high' and 'sky' rhyme, another is that there's money in playing 15-year-old songs to arenas full of balding nostalgia-craving thirtysomething men who still consider Jo Guest to be the epitome of style and glamour night after night, and the third is that young people should be feared.

Just a few weeks after Noel Gallagher famously said that Jay-Z would be a disaster for Glastonbury because his music's all bang bang bang and he's not a proper musician because he doesn't have any songs about magical pies – we're paraphrasing – he's decided to take the time to speak out about the rising tide of knife crime.

While picking up a Silver Clef music award recently, Noel decided to launch into an angry tirade about all the stabbing that's been going on in London recently with all the reasoned arguments you'd expect from a millionaire rockstar with a history of prolific drug abuse. BBC News reports:

"In my day, status was trying to be somebody, do you know what I mean, not trying to kill somebody?… I don't even know what Cameron or Gordon Brown are going to do about it… People say it's through violent video games and I guess that's got something to do with it. If kids are sitting up all night smoking super skunk and they come so desensitised to crime because they're playing these video games, it's really, really scary."

We can see Noel Gallagher's point here – we recently spent about an hour and a half playing Super Mario Galaxy before going out and stabbing a nun in her neck for nothing more than shits and giggles. These sick video games should be banned, because everyone knows that the world's first recorded crime happened six hours after Pong was released.

Anyway, we shouldn't pick on Noel Gallagher too much for becoming a youth-fearing old fogey – he's not the only celebrity to speak out about Broken Britain lately. No, Noel Edmonds has also been at it. So that's the man who wrote Cigarettes And Alcohol and the beardy git from Deal Or No Deal – perhaps they should team up and become a crack vigilante duo, putting an end to street crime with nothing more than prematurely old grumbling and bizarre facial hair.

Besides, we're probably missing the main point of this story here. Noel Gallagher still wins awards? Weird.

The early to mid-90s were an excellent time for that whole ‘rap’ thing.

Yes there was still the glamourising of violence, the drugs, the objectification of women and the explicit language – but at least it didn’t involve 50 Cent or P Diddy, or whatever in God’s name he’s called now.

It was a safer time when white kids in the suburbs could dream of their gangsta heritage without fearing for how much ‘bling’ they were wearing, a time when people could look forward to a Tupac release that wasn’t posthumous and one when Mr Warren G had released ‘Regulate‘.

You know the song. Everyone does. It was on the soundtrack to ‘Above the Rim‘, which wasn’t as good as ‘White Men Can’t Jump‘. It had Bernie Mac in it, so it really was never going to compete with the might of Wesley and Woody.

The content was, as any family-friendly rap track is sure to be, a bit on the risque side and involved Warren and Nate Dogg killing people and cruising for skirt – a fine influence on any youngster I’m sure. But it did contain samples from Young Guns, thus making ‘Regulate‘ one that appeals to everyone in the world.

So it came as no surprise to find that Warren – real name Warren Griffin III (not-so-different-to-actual-name shocker!) – was picked up by police on Sunday and bundled away to the slammer.

For what though, you may ask? Were the G-Man and his old chum Nate up to their old tricks, regulating the streets on their way to the East Side Motel? How many bodies had piled up by the end of the rampage? Did he have a crack factory blown up in a daring police raid?

Or was it that Warren had a bit of pot in his car?

Yes. Yes it was. G’s level of criminality knows no bounds, that’s for sure.

The master of G-Funk was soon released on bail (after forking out $20,000, no less), and though the feds were doing their damndest to prosecute the 35-year-old, it was soon reported that they would no longer be pursuing charges against the artist.

Clearly leaving Griffin open to pursue more incredible criminal feats, like jaywalking, or recording NFL without the prior consent of the broadcasters.

Keep it up Warren – show those pretenders to the gangsta throne how it’s done!