Former actor, soon to be convict, Wesley Snipes has said that he’s pretty nervous about going to jail. Not surprising really. Prison is horrible. It is filled with people covered in tattoos who want to stove your head in and/or bum you something rotten. And Snipes is a hot piece of celebrity ass.
With legal challenges falling flat on their face, Snipes is looking for divine intervention.
That’s right – Snipes is hoping that Jesus Christ Our Lord will come and magic this all away, despite the fact that the Holy Ghost is probably making preparations for his birthday which is a matter of days away. No rest for the blessed.
Said Snipes to CNN:
“We still have prayers out there. We still believe in miracles. So don’t send me up the river yet.”
Is someone going to tell him that he’s asking a fictional character for help? Seriously. He may as well say ‘I’m hoping that Superman has heard my pleas and that he’s gonna come and bust me out of this situation with his laser eyes and junk.‘
The actor has some more praying to do before he reports to McKean Federal Correctional Institution in Lewis Run, Pennsylvania, Thursday where he’ll begin serving a three-year sentence for failing to file tax returns.
He’s also sensibly doing something about it legally because Jesus has clearly got other things to be getting on with (tax returns notoriously turn Jesus off). He’s still waiting on the results of his appeal to the U.S. Supreme Court, which is probably going to fail.
“I think any man would be nervous if his liberty is at stake. I’m disappointed that the system seems not to be working for me in this situation.”
The system that is failing him currently is one that is angry about the fact someone may have earned $40 million since 1999 but not bothered to pay any taxes from it. Of course, Snipes disputes this, saying:
“This is another thing that has been misreported: It has been framed that I was a conspirator and that I was an architect in a scheme by an organization that has been characterized as tax protesters.”
“The press hasn’t reported that I was a client of people who I trusted [who] had knowledge and expertise in the areas of tax law that would protect my interests.”
Pardon? Some shadowy advisor told him that they weren’t gonna bother paying taxes and it would all work out just fine? Really?
“It’s been presented as though I’m worthy of this punishment. I’ve been a law-abiding citizen ever since I grew up in the Bronx, New York.”
Apart from paying your taxes since 1999. And some crimes against acting and film-making.
But we’ve got it all wrong.
“There have been some egregious and very malicious efforts to report the facts of this case.”
“They claimed that there was a certain number that was owed and that number has been all over that place. The press has escalated it and changed it a number of times. But we think we are fully complaint with what was owed.”
So he HAS paid his taxes then? So why is he asking Jesus to wash this all away? We’re confused and frankly, beginning to not care. We just want to make stupid jokes at someone’s expense without getting bogged down in all this legal bollocks.
We’ll close with this – Wesley Snipes is going to be someone’s bitch in prison and Jesus is just going to float around him doing nothing because he must be some kind of bearded, celestial pervert or something.