9 - Here, have a pretty map of all 13,000 McDonalds branches in America – Geekologie

8 – What’s the highest level of smarm that you think Simon Cowell could ever achieve? Double it. Double it again. You’re still waaaay off – WWM

7 - Look, it’s a lovely teasmade - Interestment

6 – Paris Hilton staring at her own boobs with a sense of childlike wonder – AmyGrindhouse

5 – Courtney Love’s Twitter feed… DECODED! – PopEater

4 - Do you like Agas and polka dots? Well this is your lucky day! - Domesticsluttery

3 - Stuff about New Moon. Oh, pull yourself together - Popsugar

2 – Barack Obama and the Spanish goths – Bestweekever

1 – This is awesome, and you must watch it…

With all the breathless jizzing that The Beatles: Rock Band has inspired, it’s easy to forget that Guitar Hero 5 is out too.

And that’s a shame. Because in Guitar Hero 5, for the first time ever, you can play songs as Kurt Cobain. Which presumably means that if you complete a song well and become successful, you get depressed and shoot your face off. And yet Guitar Hero is still playing second fiddle to Rock Band. If only there was some way to draw attention to it.

What’s that? Courtney Love has gone on a berserk Twitter curse-rampage about it? Perfect.

It’s difficult to maintain the estate of dead singers, because you constantly have to put yourself in their position. “Would they approve?” quickly becomes your mantra. For instance, it seems likely that John Lennon would have approved of the latest CD remastering of all The Beatles albums, especially the early ones where his primal roar on songs like Twist And Shout sounds more ferocious than ever before.

Similarly, when Courtney Love allowed Activision to create a brand new videogame character version of her dead husband Kurt Cobain for Guitar Hero 5 – who not only plays his own songs but songs by Bon Jovi and Duran Duran – she knew in his heart of hearts that he would have definitely approved. After all, Kurt Cobain wrote Radio Friendly Unit Shifter, a song about his desire to get played on the radio and sell lots of records; and Rape Me, a song directly ordering his loved ones to posthumously exploit his image for capital gain at every opportunity. Talk about a no-brainer.

But – and you might want to brace yourselves for this next bit, because it’s completely unprecedented – Courtney Love has decided to throw a gigantic, near-illegible internet tantrum about it. We know. She’s usually the model of grammatically-perfect restraint, isn’t she?

Apparently Courtney Love is angry at Guitar Hero 5 for creating a Kurt Cobain avatar without her permission. Which is fair enough. Except, you know, for the teensy fact that she did give Guitar Hero 5 permission. And that she signed something to make it legally binding. And that she seems to be aware  that she signed it. But hey, why are we explaining this to you in stupid old-fashioned English that’s relatively easy to understand? Why don’t we just plug you into the direct, endlessly confusing, source of the outburst – Courtney Love’s Twitter feed:

“Have fun with your avatars you slimebags. i rant? Fuck off i have proof youve simply never bothred to look. so fucking play your videogame… we have NOTHING to do with this. it was presented to me and oi said ’show me a better avataR’ TO DRAG MY HEELS., never did i intend on allowing GUITARHERO for me or for Kurt i am NOT yoko fucking Ono no ofense to her, but i am a different person entirely and this is insane…. i was pleasnat to work with? HA i wouldnt show up i made them change all sorts of shit, and even then i had no intention of doing his.“

So that’s that cleared up, then. However, following this rant Courtney Love took her Twitter feed private. Which is a shame, because where are we going to get our legitimately unreadable celebrity garble from now? What? Kirstie Alley? Ah, OK.

Anyway, we hope that Courtney Love and Guitar Hero can find a painless solution to their conflict. Here’s an idea – why don’t Activision release Guitar Hero: Courtney Love? It’d be great, just like a normal Guitar Hero game, except you’re rewarded for thrashing about aimlessly on your guitar, squandering what little promise you once showed and and generally singing like a donkey has just kicked you in the windpipe.

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At some point in time the American Express credit card company received an application with Courtney Love’s name on it and decided that yes, they would like to entrust her with more than a quarter million dollars.

Had they paid attention to the small print in their company policy where it clearly states ‘it is ill-advised that any money ever be lent to people who poop out their mouth and call it a record,’ then perhaps they could have avoided this lawsuit all together.

Oh that’s right – we said lawsuit. The credit card company claims Love refuses to pay back $352,059.67.

It’s all been downhill for Courtney Love ever since her husband died and couldn’t write music for her band to record anymore. Also, it’s been down hill since she smeared her lipstick 15 years ago and apparently everyone feels to awkward to tell her. She’s also been all downhill since she was born so very unattractive.

All in all the woman has had a rough go.

And its getting rougher. American Express claims she owes them $352,059.67, and she claims she shouldn’t have to pay them back since she wrapped the money in a taco and then kept it in her bum until the whole wad smelted.

That last part we heard her say in a dream.

This is what American Express says about the whole mess (according to Reuters):

“[American Express] sued the musician in Los Angeles on Wednesday, alleging she owes more than $350,000 in unpaid charges and other fees on her AmEx Gold card. The lawsuit, filed in U.S. District Court, seeks $352,059.67 for the unpaid balance, damages, attorney’s fees and late charges, and says Love’s charging privileges were suspended after she “failed and refused” to make payments.”

Well that’s their side. Loves side is actually quite different. According to TMZ:

“Love’s lawyer writes: “AmEx knows the claim has no merit. We have told them this for a long time. AmEx’s lax policies allowed fraudulent transactions to be charged to my client’s card.”…Keith Fink, Courtney’s lawyer, tells us that 104 AmEx credit cards were taken out under Courtney’s name or the name of her business — and that all the charges attributed to Courtney weren’t made by her. He also said it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out nobody takes out 104 credit cards!”

Well Love’s lawyer Keith Fink, we’re inclined to side with you. It would be completely outrageous for a normal person to get 104 accounts for the exact same credit card brand. You should check up there with the smelted tacos before you get to court though. You wouldn’t want an ill-timed fart to blow your case.

That would be embarrassing on at least two different levels.

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9 - Perhaps the greatest response to an R Kelly song you will ever read – Mychemicaltoilet

8 - Brooke Hogan’s new album cover is the single worst thing any of you will ever see - Amygrindhouse

7 - Some Very Important Headwear News – Interestment

6 - Public etiquette upon meeting females, as explained by a potential germaphobe - Shoutingatcows

5 – Here’s the end to your problems, you oniony wuss – Domesticsluttery

4 - Here’s our old friend Mr T singing a song about baseball - Bestweekever

3 - These fossils are quite breathtaking – Geekologie

2 - Oh Courtney Love, have you EVER made sense? - Twitter

1 – Here’s a video of the Beastie Boys from the other night. Not funny or thought-provoking, but we quite like the Beastie Boys, so shut up…

9 - MANBABIES! – Manbabies

8 - More Keyboard Cat than you could ever wish for. Brilliant – Playhimoffkeyboardcat

7 - Man apologises for Oprah’s KFC blunder in a sinister accent – Amygrindhouse

6 - 20 terrible Bill Cosby impersonations – Bigstupididiot

5 - Today in pretty girls who are probably either old or dead now, we give you Julie Newmar – Interestment

4 - Warm beer, a warning from history some bloke who writes for us sometimes – Shoutingatcows

3 - Turns out hunger strikes are really good for your figure – PopEater

2 – The best informational film about Japan you will ever see – I Am Bored

1 – The Jonas Brothers say the worst thing that the Jonas Brothers have ever said…

But this dreaminess comes at a cost. Everywhere Robert Pattinson turns, he’s confronted by a wall of screaming, knicker-wetting teenage girls in too much eyeliner who appear to think he’s a cross between Jesus and The Beatles, rather than the personality-free stupid-haired toff that he actually is.

Or, worse still, Robert Pattinson has to put up with mothers constantly trying to set him up with their daughters. Slightly deranged-looking mothers. Who look like they probably smell a bit. Courtney Love, basically.

As hopelessly nutty as she seems to be most of the time, you have to feel a little bit sorry for Courtney Love. She’s doomed to a lifetime of romantic failure. The moment her husband decided to spray the back of his skull all over his ceiling 15 years ago, Courtney Love was hamstrung for life.

On one hand, the still-rabid army of Nirvana fans won’t allow Courtney to sully Kurt Cobain’s memory by moving on, and on the other hand she’s a berserk-looking recovering drug addict with paranoid tendencies, a voice like a lawnmower running over a tin can and a face that looks like an infected mosquito bite. The poor woman can’t win.

So, with Courtney Love unable to even find love through online dating, she’s decided to change tack. Rather than hopelessly chase men until she’s a wizened old spinster, Courtney has decided to dedicate her life to finding love for her 16-year-old daughter Frances Bean. And she’s aiming high – her first target is Twilight star Robert Pattinson. OK! reports:

Apparently the Hole singer thinks that the Twilight hunk is just the kind of English gent that 16-year-old Frances Bean needs to go out with. “Courtney thinks he’s charming and handsome and absolutely has to be Frances’s first date,” a source said. “She’s doing everything she can to engineer another meeting.”

As lovely a girl as we’re sure Frances Bean is, we can’t help feeling that Courtney Love has set her sights just a little bit too high here. What with every teenage girl – and slightly creepy adult woman – on Earth deciding against all objective evidence that Twilight is a good film, Robert Pattinson has never been in higher demand. Right now, Robert Pattinson could have his pick of any female on the planet – provided, obviously, that they’re gormless, about 13 years old and can’t seem to leave messages on websites without coming off like the worst kind of shrieking dimwit.

So does Frances Bean stand a chance with Robert Pattinson? Usually we’d say no, although we have to admit that Courtney Love is no fool when it comes to timing. She’s manoeuvred Frances Bean into the fray right after Robert Pattinson got his famous hair cut off, so the fact alone that his face now looks like a sort of clueless, malnourished, petrified tree stump has probably shunted her up the rankings somewhat. Clever girl, Courtney. Clever girl.

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Do you enjoy the smell of peroxide? Do you ever float Indian style in your kitchen while that one nice black lady delivers a monologue about shiny floors? Are you pretty good at getting 14-year-old bloodstains off of mostly ceilings but probably a little bit off of the upper walls? Would grunge have appealed to you more if it had a heavier emphasis on germ-free personal living quarters?

If so, you should definitely put all of that down on a resume – because Courtney Love may really think about employing you. She said as much on her MySpace account, the venue she’s using to apparently hire a maid.

Well Courtney love is in trouble. Her house really is a total crap-hole though. Not that we’ve been there or anything. It’s just what we assume. Love spends far too much time sending Kurt Cobain’s ashes on vacation, possibly licking Pete Doherty’s always-peeling lips and generally looking awful to be able to dedicate any real time to personal household cleanliness.

That’s why she needs you. She needs your hunger for a dirt free mansion to swoop in and save her. She’s willing to pay you, you know. The catch is she’ll only pay you in carrots, which is really pretty ridiculous.

After all, carrots won’t pay the cable bill.

Her MySpace plea for a cleanliness-assistant touches on a bit more than the already mentioned topic. Really it babbles on for a bit in a mostly unrelated sort of way. Normally we wouldn’t include all the extra filler, but as it’s all a horrendously misspelled murder of the English language, we just couldn’t throw anything away:

is anyone insanely clean neatfreak near malibu? i need a non thieving non freaky housekeeper

also i need we need a documentarist, someone to document our studio as we go in wedsday, and i have ALOT of work to do til then and i wont just hand this to hbo or bbc 2 or bravo and god forbid not vh1! A DOCUMENATRY NOT A REALITY SHOW. get in touch with jason whp will further put you in touch with jason wienberg at untitled.

and am looking for a young PA type someone whor eally wants to get nto the film business cos as we startramping up pay some dues with me for a few months and you can be on this HTH movie – i think i know who i want to play kurt- he may not be as BEAUTIFUL as the other two but hes got something special and looks alot like him and has a great voice.

i know this is wierd- the agencies suck and im sick of PIGS who steal itts simple as that., so fuck it why not try my space , beats monster . no superfans please. and its very good money. btw the housekeeping part just early hours .”

thanks

wierdo mgcee

Keep in mind as you prepare your resume that love prefers Harvard over Yale, English degrees over mathematical ones, and she’d like to see your stomach velcroed shut so it’s easier to rip out your guts whenever the mood hits her.

Also, if you were involved in some sort of scouting as a child you should list that too, along with whatever merit badges you may have obtained. It might just give you that competitive edge.

The controversial singer raised concerns about her health when she went shopping in LA wearing a 1920s see-through lace dress and looking like a bag of bones.

Sure, health scares and Courtney Love is not a new thing. Just like the words ‘Courtney Love’ and ‘scary’ are no strangers either.

Read the rest of this entry (link opens in new window) >>

Surely you can imagine her grave robbing at 3am whilst the rain lashes down? With a cigarette firmly shoved in her cakehole, she’ll scream to any passing squirrels “he’s mine all mine, they blamed me for his death. But they’re wrong! I’ll take him back where he belongs”. You can’t? Oh, shame on you.

We can, and yet our theory of Courtney Love scurrying off in the dead of the night to stuff and mount her dead husband was quickly shit on. It turns out that during a robbery in her LA home, the ashes of grunge’s only credible frontman were nicked. And some clothes and jewellery, lets not forget the small details. Maybe it was Dave Grohl being bonkers as usual and wanting to impersonate her. Drummers, mental aren’t they?

The NME had always reported that the location of Kurt Cobain’s ashes was a highly guarded secret, perhaps locked in a hidden vault five miles below the earth’s surface in Russia. Nope – turns out they were in Courney Love’s house all along. Emphasis on the ‘were’. The ever reliable News of the World reported:

She had kept the singer’s ashes in a pink teddy-bear-shaped bag along with a lock of his hair. But a couple of weeks ago, she was horrified to discover them gone, along with thousands of pounds worth of clothes and jewellery. Courtney said: “I can’t believe anyone would take Kurt’s ashes from me.”I find it disgusting and right now I’m suicidal. If I don’t get them back I don’t know what I’ll do.”

So what’s basically happened is a shit for brains burglar has got more then he’s bargained for. Yup he/she might have gotten a few extra dollars after the robbery, but now they’ve got a funny magic powder on their hands.

Not that we encourage the consumption of the dead, but maybe trying a bit will bring the spirit of Kurt Cobain back into our lives! Who wouldn’t want a constantly depressed man grumbling about life all the time?

On seconds thought, screw that. We’re happy wearing our trendy zombie shoes that he brought out. It makes us feel cooler inside anyway.

Anybody?

To be true, it's actually Kurt's social security number that's making all the money right now – because somebody apparently stole it. And they've compiled quite a list of acquisitions with the number too – two copies of Celebrity Skin, a Red Box rental for Man On The Moon, lots rehab lunches… the list really does go on.

Or maybe Courtney Love had nothing to do with the theft of Cobain's Social. Perhaps our sources are getting crossed.

Kurt Cobain's identity has been pinched, and the thieves haven't even bought anything good with it. We'd buy a helicopter. Or a 1982 unwrapped first edition Battle-Cat. It's the only one we need to complete our collection, and our He-Man's getting tired o' walkin'. Courtney Love has recently brought the misdeeds of the identity thieves to the attention of the police. According to the NME:

"Kurt Cobain’s estate has been the victim of a mass defrauding. It’s believed that £36 million has been taken from the Nirvana songwriter’s account since 2003, including $3.2 million used to buy a mansion in New Jersey."

Love elaborates:

"I did a check on my deceased husband’s social security number and he has a house in New Brunswick, New Jersey. He bought it last year. I would like to know how. He should probably get his ass back home if that is the case.”

The good news is we think we know how to put an end to this – go to the house. It's right there, isn't it? The police must have the address sitting on a desk somewhere in size 12 Times New Roman font. So we say someone uses that address, goes to that fancy New Jersey mansion, walks up to that golden porch, rings the bell, and then pops Eddie Vedder right in the teeth when he opens the door.

Well, who else did you think it'd be?

Read More:

Kurt Cobain Going To Rutgers, Apparently – Philadelphia Weekly