That’s because Lou Pearlman has just been sentenced to 25 years in jail after being found guilty of conspiracy, money laundering and various other dodgy white-collar crap. Ironically, though, Lou Pearlman only got six months in jail for committing those crimes – the other 24.5 years were a punishment for inventing ‘N Sync.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Being the mastermind behind the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync didn’t affect Lou Pearlman’s sentence at all. He got given such a long sentence because he’s fat and creepy-looking. And you’re next, Santa!

Off the top of our head we can think of all kinds of atrocities that Lou Pearlman is responsible for. Because he put together ‘N Sync, Lou Pearlman’s to blame for that last Madonna single with Justin Timberlake not being very good. Because he managed Britney Spears‘ first girlband Innosense, he’s responsible for us having to look at Britney’s mouldy beaver every couple of minutes. And if he hadn’t created the Backstreet Boys, well, the alleged R Kelly sex tape would have had a completely different soundtrack.

But apparently you can’t go to jail for any of that. We know this because we researched it for a month back when Lou Pearlman was threatening the world with O-Town. Anyway, things you can go to jail for include conspiracy, money laundering and presenting a false claim in a bankruptcy court, and they’re all things that Lou Pearlman did as well, so it all balances out in the end.

Not that Lou Pearlman is your average money launderer, you understand – he’s apparently swindled thousands of people out of life savings worth roughly $300 million in one of the biggest Ponzi schemes in history. And then spent it all on hotdogs by the look of it, the big fat sod.

Back in March, Lou Pearlman admitted his crime – convincing the innocent to invest $2 million each in companies that only existed on paper – and now Lou Pearlman has been sentenced to 25 years in jail for it, as Reuters reports:

Boy band mogul Lou Pearlman, who launched the Backstreet Boys and ‘N Sync, was sentenced on Wednesday to 25 years in prison for swindling investors and major U.S. banks out of more than $300 million… U.S. Judge G. Kendall Sharp held up a book with letters from Pearlman’s victims, saying they included “his family, his close friends and people in their 70s and 80s who have lost their life savings. So the sympathy factor doesn’t run high with the court,” Sharp said.

It’s good that Lou Pearlman was hit with such a gigantic sentence, because his crime was undoubtedly very serious. We were going to try and work out how much more serious Lou Pearlman’s 25 years in jail were than Nicole Richie’s 82 minutes in jail here, but then we started to smell burning coming from our brain so we decided to stop.

Anyway, that’s the last any of us will hear from Lou Pearlman until the year 2033. That is at least until he gets his new artist management scheme up and running in whatever cushy white-collar jail he’s sent to. He’s going to try and put together a boyband made of grisly old institutionalised convicted insider traders, you see. They’ll be called ‘M Bezzle. ‘M Bezzle. Get it? Anyone? ‘M Bezzle? Oh, whatever.

Read more:

Boy band mogul Pearlman sentenced to 25 years – Reuters

Last week we reported that Alicia told Blender magazine the murders of 2Pac and Biggie were a government conspiracy, and that all Gangsta’ rappers are basically being taken for a ride – the idiots.

Since then, Alicia Keys has issued a statement saying that her comments were “misrepresented“, but Blender spokeswoman Kate Cafaro told the Associated Press on Tuesday that “We stand by our story”.

Upon reading this it appears 50 Cent’s brain started hurting. He told The Showbuzz:

“I don’t like Alicia Keys no more…the same reason why I said that I don’t like Oprah Winfrey. I’m prejudice(d). I don’t like people who don’t like me.”

That’s quite awkward, because hecklerspray don’t like people who don’t like hecklerspray neither, and as neither we nor 50 Cent has made an official statement as to whether we like the other, we’re stuck in one hell of an apathetic quandary right here

And if there’s one thing we hates more than folk who don’t like hecklerspray, it’s non-committal, fence-sitting folk who couldn’t care either way. So, bearing that in mind, we’d like to issue the following statement:

“Hecklerspray thinks that 50 Cent represents pretty much everything that is wrong with modern society. He is an anti-intellectual, dollar-driven dullard who unfortunately – when attempting to ‘Get Rich or Die Tryin’ – got rich.”

There we go – the coast is clear. We don’t like him, ergo he don’t like us. We can now move on with the story, safe in the knowledge that this’ll be about as unbiased an article as your average BNP immigration brochure.

The Neanderthal continued:

“If you don’t like the content that I write because of my experiences; I am being who I am when I am writing it. I fall into that ‘label’ as far as you considering artists creating ‘Gangsta music,’ we fall into that. If she don’t like that, (then) I don’t like that classical music shit she be doing. At some point she’s playing some shit that don’t relate to me. We listen to it and try to figure out why people actually enjoy it. I am trying to enjoy it. That statement changes my perception of Alicia Keys totally. But the magazine is standing behind it, which means they probably have a tape of her in conversation saying it. It’s just not really a bright comment anyway.”

That’s right, Fiddy, it isn’t a very bright statement at all, but ‘I am being who I am when I am writing it’ isn’t particularly Einsteinian itself, is it? There’s more:

“I think hip-hop is so competitive. I don’t think that a lot of people who judge hip-hop actually enjoy it as an art form. They aren’t into it enough to understand what they are listening to and they just hear disrespectful lyrics going back and forth and just say ‘oh they’re fighting’ … so it’s got to be negative if it’s fighting. To just make reference to what hip-hop was from the very beginning was just two artists battling. Battling turned into beefing after Biggie and Tupac passed because unfortunately that turned into real incidents in the street.”

Ah yes, we all remember that fateful day when battling turned into beefing, don’t we ladies and gentleman? It was the day that one word was changed in order to lessen the likelihood of Gangsta rappers being gunned down in the street.

But today hecklerspray is reversing all that. We don’t beef, we battle – so watch your back Curtis, cos’ we love the idea of shutting you up once and for all far. Far more than your average fat kid loves cake.

Maybe Alicia was onto something?

Read More – 50 Cent Defends “Gangsta Rap” – Showbuzz

There are people who think Jay-Z is profiting from the African slave trade. Lily Allen’s Dad believes Princess Diana was murdered and one guy hecklerspray knows thinks badgers are actually midgets crawling around the woods in costume.

And now Alicia Keys says Gangsta Rap was created by the government and the media in an effort to get influential black people to kill each other, so they don’t have to.

Ms Keys told Blender magazine:

“‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other, ‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist.”

She also claims that the murders of Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G, back in September 1996 and March 1997 respectively, were fueled by “the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing“.

Hecklerspray would like to remind readers that we didn’t even exist back then, so our conscience is clean.

Or Is it? Maybe we did exist, but were operating on an invisible level. Maybe we were posting anti-2Pac and Biggie articles in a font that could only be read by rich, white people? Can you prove it otherwise? You can’t, can you? You’ll just have to take our word for it (mwa-ha-ha!).

Alicia also explained the reasons she wears a gold AK-47 pendent around her neck. It is because it “symbolize strength, power and killing them dead”. For some reason she doesn’t go on to say exactly who ‘them’ are. Wait a minute…maybe she’s referring to us; the hecklerspray folk; readers, writers and all?

Think about it; have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes hecklerspray before? Have you ever heard Alicia Keys say she likes you before? In fact, we don’t believe Alicia has ever expressed any love for our people. This is getting spooky – does Alicia Keys want to kill us dead?

Just to be safe, let’s all stay away from Alicia Keys and her music until the day she pledges allegiance to the hecklerflag. Get yourself a gold hecklerspray pendant of Stuart Heritage’s face, hang it round your neck and tell people it “symbolizes strength, power, weekly stories about Lindsay Lohan’s tits, the avoidance of Alicia Keys and killing ‘em dead with our superb use of cruel/witty reporting”.

But even that has its risks. Why should we trust you lot? You’ve no doubt got an alternative agenda like everyone else. Probably best everyone just stays at home with their families.

But what if it turns out all our parents have been nurturing us all these years into becoming cash cows to fund their early retirement? Ok, so we all go home but we are to stay in our rooms, alone, only leaving at allotted times to get food from the kitchen and use the bathroom.

But what if our personality splits into two while we’re alone? Maybe one half of us will want the other half dead? In which case, the half that doesn’t want us dead has no choice but to saw itself free from the other half. This will leave us all dead, but we will at least be safe.

Ah, screw all that – let’s all have a cuddle!

Alicia says that, in the future, she wants to write more political songs and feels that if black leaders like late Black Panther Huey Newton “had the outlets our musicians have today, it’d be global. I have to figure out a way to do it myself”.

Hang on a minute…What if Alicia Keys is merely a creation of the government and media, a singing hologram used to bore people into submission, leaving us feeling powerless against the rise of the New World Order?

What if…What if…What if she’s right?

Read More – Alicia’s Conspiracy Theories – OK! Magazine

Who was Marion Cotillard, where had she come from and what the hell was La Vie en Rose about? And what did it mean? For God’s sake why wasn’t it done in English? Surely the producers didn’t expect the majority of the world to watch a film they couldn’t understand. God damn those crazy French.

As an Oscar winner, we’d expect Marion Cotillard's career to go from strength to strength. If not winning more Oscars, then definitely starting up random charities or collecting third world children like Happy Meal toys. But instead of riding high on the success and mulling over lucrative film offers, Marion's gone and ballsed it up. Big style. 

With the Oscars being an American award ceremony. it would of course be dumb to slag off the country that’s elevated your status from a nobody to an A-lister. But this is what Marion Cotillard has gone and done. 

Everyone can remember what they were doing when they heard about the 9/11 terrorist attacks. It united the world in fear, terror, paranoia when we saw a Muslim with a bag and it sparked off a series of wars. But a tragedy like 9/11 is never without conspiracy theories, and old Marion is full of them.

In an interview with a French TV station, Marion Cotillard said: 

“I think we're lied to about a number of things. We see other towers of the same kind hit by planes. Are they burned? There was a tower; I believe it was in Spain that burnt for 24 hours. It never collapsed. None of these towers collapsed. And there [in New York], in a few minutes, the whole thing collapsed." 

Maybe it’s just us, but having watched the tragedy unfold on TV, we're pretty sure that the damage was caused by two massive planes. Something quite big flying relatively fast and crashing in to a stationary object won’t do it any help of staying up. Digging herself a deeper grave by the minute, Marion also added:

That the towers, planned in the early 1960s, were an outdated "money sucker" that would have cost more to update than to destroy.

Yup, we completely agree. It definitely seems plausible to then fund two wars against countries where people have died unnecessarily just so a new building can be erected in New York. Go USA for that brilliant scheme. On a more comical note though, Marion also questions the 1969 moon landing as well, by saying:

“Did a man really walk on the moon? I saw plenty of documentaries on it, and I really wondered. And in any case I don't believe all they tell me, that's for sure."

Not quite as controversial as her 9/11 comments but just as funny. Seeing as Marion Cotillard likes the odd conspiracy story, we wonder if her Oscar win was just a set-up. Perhaps the judging panel wanted her to believe Americans give a toss about foreign films. We wonder if she still believes in the Easter bunny. We hope so, because we don’t want her to miss out on those chocolate eggs.

Read more: 

Oscar winner Marion Cotillard dismisses 9/11 as conspiracy – NY Daily News