Cher has a son. He’s called Chaz. Chaz used to be a girl, but now isn’t. And that’s fine because what he looks at when naked in the mirror doesn’t affect anyone but him or who he has sex with. Right? WRONG.

See, America – because it’s filled with judgemental Christian dickheads – completely believes that Chaz Bono’s genitalia it’s everyone business.

That’s why there’s a load of hooting fools all kicking off about Chaz’s appearance on Dancing With the Stars. WHAT WOULD JESUS SAY? You’d hope Jesus would have better things to do with his time than watching dreadful dancing competitions. And Cher? She’s not happy about it at all.

Chaz is the first transgender competitor on the dancing contest and as such, in the name of equality, look just as daft as everyone else in their hideous outfits while badly gyrating around a ballroom floor to some half-baked version of ‘Smooth’ by Carlos Santana.

And people are attacking Chaz with their words, spitting about how disgusting it is that someone who has taken presumably an agonising decision to realign their gender, should want to partake in a television programme.

It’s awful isn’t it?

And Cher has hit out against naysayers on twitter, saying:

“lovelies! Chaz is Being Viciously Attacked on Blogs & Message boards about being on DWTS!This is Still America right ? It took guts 2 do it

One group, who sound particularly lovely, called One Million Moms, who have a goal to fight the “filth many segments of our society, especially the entertainment media,” are urging people to

“Email ABC Network and let them know that we will not tolerate these subjects being forced into our homes.”

Didya hear that? The real tragedy here is that Americans are actively forced by their government to watch Dancing With The Stars. The off button refuses to work while it broadcasts and all channels are required by law to air it. There is no escape outside either, as the show itself is projected onto the sky for all to see.

Poor, poor Christian America. They’re forced to face a thing they simply refuse to understand based on the teachings of some Middle Eastern hippie with holes in his paws.

Good thing none of these Christians are fat, because last time we checked, gluttony was high on the list of sins.

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While Cher may have had a few unsightly blips in the timeline of her life – notably being an idiot with regards to her child’s transgenderness and, far far worse, the ‘Believe’ single – she’s absolutely bang on with her observations about Donald Trump.

Sadly, Cher hasn’t gone as far as pointing about that Trump’s haircut looks like it has been back-combed from his anus hairs, all the way up his back, and weaved together atop his elbow scrag head.

She has, however, taken to tweeting that Donald Trump is a “pompous asshole”. There really is no disputing that is there? Cher dated Gene Simmons from Kiss, so she knows a pompous asshole when she sees one. And this all came about after a segment of America decided to make itself look really rather racist.

If you’ve been avoiding the news, there’s a group of people in America who really don’t like the fact they’ve got a black, liberal president at the helm, trying to give the world some optimism after the horror that was George Dubya Bush. And instead of letting Barack Obama get on with his really very important job, they’ve made him dole out his birth certificate.

Why? Well, there’s a lot of idiots who look at Obama and think “Hell, he can’t be American! Look at him! He must have been born in Africa or something!” Even if he was, and got American citizenship later in his life, this isn’t good enough for some.

Because they’re monumentally stupid.

Either way, Obama’s birth certificate was released by the White House to shut these shit-fer-brains ‘birthers’ up (which of course, it won’t), so people don’t have to question the validity of his presidency again. And obviously, Donald Trump was one of the chattering pods who demanding to know if Obama was born in the USA.

Cher decided to stick up for the prez:

“Donald Trump is Pompous Asshole! Saw him in Aspen with one Dcup chick after another Everyone up there thought he was a complete idiot”

“Donald Trump (mr champter11) is Only a Mean Spirited BAD ACTOR who couldn’t find his ass with both hands & a map!”

There you have it. Don’t mess with Cher. She’s learned a lot of shade from her gay fans. Seriously. With any luck, she’ll make Donald Trump cry before the summer ends.

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Without doubt, the stand-out track on the Kill Bill film is Nancy Sinatra’s eerie reading of ‘Bang Bang’. That weird tremelo guitar and super sparse backing, leaving Nancy to emote every single word… it’s a striking and unusual piece of music.

But alas, it wasn’t originally Nancy’s. In fact the song originally belonged to Cher.

Written by Cher’s partner, Sonny Bono, the song isn’t some obscure b-side, but rather, it was Cher’s biggest solo hit of the ’60s, reaching no. 2 in the chart, selling over 3 million copies in the US alone!

Cher’s version is a lot busier than Nancy’s, featuring grand orchestrations that are almost Gypsy like. A world away from Nancy’s chilling version.

Sinatra’s cut can be heard on the ‘How Does That Grab You?’ album, which for fans of ’60s pop music, is well worth checking out.

Of course, it was Kill Bill which really put the song in people’s minds, which paved the way for the dodgy Audio Bullys re-edit which proved successful.

The song has been popular with artists over the years, with Stevie Wonder tackling it in ’66, Petula Clark again in ’66, Frank Sinatra in ’81 and incredibly popular in Italy where the song was covered by many artists.

Anyway, enough chin-stroking. Here’s the best three versions of the track, starting of course, with the original.

Cher ‘Bang Bang’

Nancy Sinatra ‘Bang Bang’

Stevie Wonder ‘Bang Bang’

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We’ve heard a time or two that it’s difficult to be gay. Not only do you have to drink from separate drinking fountains in California, but there’s all that chaffing in really crazy places.

Both of those factors may have contributed to Cher’s daughter Chastity deciding to become Cher’s son Chaz. Let us be clear in stating that we don’t know for sure why Chastity/Chaz is going under the genital-hungry knife. We suspect it’s probably because she just doesn’t want to be gay anymore, and a patch-work penis is her only way to the front of the bus.

If gender transition surgery is anything like we imagine, then pretty soon Chaz Bono is gonna be laying unconscious on a table with current-conducive wiring connecting a tank full of electric eels to the little metal bolts on either side of his heavily stitched penis. That’s because Chastity Bono has decided she needs to be a man.

We just want her to know it takes more than a blood-filled skin flap to be endowed with masculinity. No – she’s gonna have to sign up for football throwing lessons. Also, it wouldn’t hurt if she started chewing tobacco for a few years post-op. That way everybody will know she’s really serious about the whole thing.

How do you think her mother feels about the whole thing? After all, when Chastity initially came out as not-straight her mom had a hard time with it. Not this time though – this time Cher is fully supportive. That’s why she’s having a urinary track embedded in her nose to prep it for a daughter’s-crotch donation, if you catch our meaning. We’ve studied the matter, and anatomically that’s actually quite plausible.

Plausible maybe, but not true. Here’s a direct Cher quote to clear things up:

“Chaz is embarking on a difficult journey, but one that I will support. I respect the courage it takes to go through this transition in the glare of public scrutiny, and although I may not understand, I will strive to be understanding. The one thing that will never change is my abiding love for my child.”

When asked what would happen to Chaz’s discarded ovaries, Cher hinted silently with her eyes:

“I don’t know what Chaz will do with them, but if they end up in my possession I fully intend to  fill them full of grandbabies.”

The singer failed to elaborate on just how that would happen. Maybe if she sewed them into a sterile monkey and slowly lowered it into an oozing vat of donor sperm.

Science could probably do that, you know. They really probably could.

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There’s never been a perfect Catwoman, and that’s because no Catwoman has ever straddled a cannon and bellowed If I Could Turn Back Time with her arse out.

But that’s potentially going to change with the release of Batman 3, or whatever the sequel to The Dark Knight is going to be called. That’s because, according to The Mirror, Christopher Nolan‘s first choice to play Catwoman is none other than 62-year-old surgically modified warbler Cher.

Phew, and to think that Angelina Jolie was almost Catwoman, too. That would have just been sick.

We’re in a brave new world here, people. The Dark Knight isn’t just not the top movie at the box office any more, it isn’t also not the best movie ever made any more according to recent statistics. And, whisper it, but The Dark Knight is also isn’t not the movie that isn’t not going to won’t beat Titanic to the all-time top-grossing movie title. We think. We may have got a little confused back there.

Anyway, our point is this – now that we’re living in a world where The Dark Knight hype is starting to wilt, it should be time that Batman 3 hype got a kick up the old wazoo. But first, let’s see where we stand with Batman 3 hype at the moment.

It’s a concrete, rock-solid, set in stone fact that neither The Penguin or Catwoman will be appearing in Batman 3, just as it’s scientifically unequivocal that Catwoman will be in Batman 3 and played by Angelina Jolie. But now a new report is suggesting that Catwoman will be in Batman 3 and played by Cher. And, since it’s the most recent, we’re more inclined to believe it. The Mirror reports:

Cher has been lined up to play Catwoman in the next Batman movie. Cher, 62, was invited to join a cast which includes Johnny Depp as The Riddler. A studio executive revealed: “Cher is Nolan’s first choice to play Catwoman. He wants her to portray her like a vamp in her twilight years. The new Catwoman will be the absolute opposite of Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry’s purring creations.”

Actually, once you’ve got over the shock of Cher as Catwoman – and brace yourself, it’ll probably take up to six or seven hours for the news to sink in and the terror-sweats to stop – it actually makes a twisted amount of sense. After all, Cher and Catwoman are incredibly similar. Look…

1) They both have a terrible dress sense.

2) They both have problem hair.

3) They’re both gay icons.

4) Both of them believe in life after love.

5) Catwoman once had a ginger son with a face like a club foot, exactly like Cher did in the film Mask.

Spooky, huh? So, on the whole, we’re generally convinced that Cher being Catwoman is a perfectly good idea, although news of an older Catwoman has kind of given the game away that Batman 3 will revolve around the theme of vaginal prolapse. Oh well, we’ll get over it.

hecklerspray is on a waiting list three-years long for the privilege of touching some soap that's said to have once washed the velvety-nethers of Louis Farrakhan during the million man march.

And literally during the march too – at the intersection of Pennsylvania Ave & 14th St we heard he just felt sweaty down there. Whether or not we'll ever actually get to touch that soap is unknown to us – we hope so though. We hear it has an incredible lather.

Also, one day we'd really like to touch Cher - if we plan things right we can do it seconds before we touch that soap if you know what we mean. Some drunk in a bar was pretty set on touching her recently – he tried a whole bunch of times.

But alas, destiny was not in his favor, and she stabbed his throat instead.

She didn't stab him. We reiterate – Cher has never stabbed anybody. How could she? Her adult granddaughter was using the steak knife to cut Cher's meat into more age-friendly sizes.

Cher can cut her own meat. We reiterate – Cher can cut her own meat.

We are absolutely positive that people all over the world would love to touch Cher – and why wouldn't they? After all, if you touch her and then put your fingers straight in your mouth your spit actually becomes a gonorrhea-antidote – over twelve scientists have proved this.

That's why, when the horrible time comes that Cher lays down to give her ghost, Canada's already made a big jar to keep her skin in. They know it's gross – but it's for science. Once gonorrhea has been triumphantly defeated forever we can afford to put her skin underground with her skeleton – but until then, venereal diseases everywhere simply won't allow it.

On to truer news – Cher was sitting in some bar somewhere simply trying to enjoy herself behind a velvet rope, when some young drunk kept trying to get all handsy. Fox News says:

"Police say 36-year-old Calvin Hutton Houghland tried to make contact with Cher at the club early Wednesday morning and was asked to leave. The report says Houghland complied but returned a short time later and grabbed Cher by the waist as she sat in a roped-off area. Houghland was escorted from the bar, but he returned again and approached Cher in an aggressive manner. When security blocked his advances, he called police to say he had been assaulted…Police said Cher declined to prosecute the man for assault for grabbing her, but police said he asked to be arrested."

Cher probably spent the rest of the evening wondering if Houghland could be 'the one' for her, and sketching pictures on cocktail napkins of what she thought their kids might look like.

Two of them looked like the guy from Mask, which she wasn't as open to as she'd hoped that film had made her.

This is just what we heard.