Hello soap fans!! Missed us? No, we didn’t give you a second thought either but now that we’ve just about recovered from Pat’s quick, yet annoyingly drawn out death, we’re back to spoil everything for you and tell you what’s going to happen this week. But first here’s a little catch up.

Did we mention that Pat was dead? Well she is. Her last moments were spent in bed with a soaking wet Michael French shouting “MUM!” 2cm from her face, weighed down by monstrous earrings, desperately clinging to a script that would never end while the country secretly wished that David Essex would appear from the wardrobe singing ‘Oh What a Circus.’

Sadly, not even fake son number 2 Nick Berry could be bothered to turn in the Vic and play ‘Every Loser Wins’ on the piano so off she popped and now we all have the funeral to look forward to (40 sodding minutes of funeral time on Friday viewers. You have been warned.)

Up to speed then? Good.

This week on Albert Square, David and Carol decide that they still love each other, much to the dismay of her evil brother Derek who is quite frankly the best villain to grace the Square since that dastardly Wilmot Brown fella in 1872.

He tells David that he’s still going to continue being a rotter regardless and David enlists the help of Michael ‘sometimes my smile is quite alarming’ Moon to get rid of Derek. However after a bungled stitch up, David decides to run away and asks Carol to go with him. But will she go? WE DON’T CARE.

Meanwhile Janine saves the day when she agrees to pay for Pat’s funeral, buy Pat’s house so that the most annoying family on television can rent it from her and even says something heartfelt at Pat’s funeral. We don’t like helpful Janine and we hope she gives birth to a demon who will raise Frank Butcher from the dead and slap some sense into her.

Lucy comes back for Pat’s funeral this week with a completely new face and no-one seems to notice.  She then demands to know who Mandy is, decides she doesn’t like her and plots to get rid of her. We doubt it’ll be a LETS SET FIRE TO EVERYONE! storyline like Yusef had but we hope it involves some sort of murderous rage.

Lauren gets dumped by Tyler as he really loves astoundingly thick Whitney. She get pissed and threatens to jump out of her bedroom window but her fringe blocks her view and her parents realise it’s time to take action but probably won’t as good parenting is forbidden on Eastenders.

When Morgan questions his skin colour and asks who his father is,  Bianca tells him it’s Barack Obama and someone on the script-writing team gets fired.  Whitney then plays detective and tracks down Morgan’s father Ray who doesn’t know he has a son and a new, recurring character klaxon sounds somewhere in the distance.

Elsewhere, Bianca tells Ricky it’s over for the millionth time, Tiffany is terrified that Pat is haunting the Butcher house (we hope this is true) and Pat’s coffin gets dragged outside to the tune of ‘Sweet Caroline’ which is just plain weird.

Oh, and the other soaps just don’t matter. Apart from Brendan Brady in Hollyoaks who is the best thing the world has ever seen.

It’s spoiler time again people, which will either ruin your week and send you into a murderous rage or you’ll thank us very sweetly like the hideous Munchkins that you are. Either is fine with us.

This week, there’s so much going on in Eastenders that we’ve decided to say “BALLS!” to the other soaps and shower you with events from the very real and not at all fictional Albert Square.

And no, you’re not allowed to complain. YOU ARE FORBIDDEN.

It seems like Amira still hasn’t accepted the fact that Syed likes boys. You know, men… the same sex.  Oh for the love of god, HE LIKES COCK AMIRA, get this into your thick head.  She enlists the help of Yusef, who delighted that his rather dull character hasn’t been killed off yet, and who promises to help her win back Syed if she helps him win back Zainab. Give it a rest.

He almost wets his pants with excitement when Ben tells him that Christian touched him ‘inappropriately’ while they watched a DVD together and decides to tell Zainab that Christian has been molesting Ben for weeks behind Syed’s back. Of course this isn’t remotely true, except for the part where Ben and Christian did watch a DVD together and Ben decided that kissing Christian would be the best idea that anyone has ever had. EVER.

It wasn’t.

We’re also slightly confused as to why Yusef’s idea of wooing Zainab is to tell her tales of molested teenagers in order to win her trust but quite frankly, we don’t care that much either.

Phil finds out about the dreadful rumour and decides to batter Christian with a baseball bat and only then does Ben decided to admit he’s a lying toad but it’s too late; Christian packs his bags, Yusef violently pushes Zainab up against a mirror and there’s even a deceased turkey with a bullet in it which breaks Janine’s tooth. LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE BEN, YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Elsewhere, Ian and Mandy are still trying to convince everyone that the quickest and most unbelievable engagement in the history of Eastenders, is something other than tedious. Mandy is furious when she finds out the real cost of her engagement ring and is so upset by this fact and that she let Ian Beale put his thing near her, she sends Bobby into the street to play and he vanishes. Don’t fret though, he does return, accompanied by the brilliant Jane! Remember Jane? The one who left after she had that non sexual fling with Masood behind Ian’s back and wanted to bring up Lucy’s child and oh, it doesn’t really matter does it?

Masood is happy to see her, but then he isn’t. BUT THEN HE IS and it goes on like this for a while until Jane decides she’ll hang around for a while and laugh at Ian’s mid life crisis and pretend to be from That London.

Finally, everyone is now aware that Pat Butcher is finally hanging up her earrings and leaving Eastenders for good. Those of you who didn’t know are no doubt cheering loudly. It’s fine. We’ll wait.

What you didn’t know is that she doesn’t burn to death in some totally expected house fire, oh no, she gets an even better exit, by upstaging Tanya and finding out she’s also got cancer which will kill her immediately. Well after she’s dragged it out a bit and given everyone some nonsense words of wisdom and  licked that poster of Frank one last time. Then she’s definitely dying and never ever coming back ever again.

So it’s not all bad news then.

Until next week …

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It’s time to visit Soapland again as we know this is the only thing that makes your miserable existence bearable. We even caught Matthew Laidlow trying to bribe fellow writer Joanna Bolouri with cake and even violence in the hope she’d reveal the whereabouts of David Essex since his departure.

He’s still recovering in hospital as she takes Soaps even more seriously that you losers do.

First up it’s Eastenders where it’s Yasmin’s first birthday party and as Christian has never missed a party in his life, he buys her a card and teddy, hoping to get an invite. Realising that Christian is only using her daughter’s party as an excuse to get on the good foot, Amira tells Syed he’s not welcome and Syed secretly puts his plans to backflip naked onto Christian on hold.

Amira’s father Qadim arrives at the party, demanding she leave this soap immediately but as Amira still has weeks left to bore everyone with her baby, she refuses.

Emotionless Yusef  gets the fake DNA test results back and hands them over to Christian who then confronts Amira with the news that Syed isn’t Yasmin’s father. No-one bothers to notice that the DNA came from a Chinese woman Yusef once treated in his surgery for heartburn.

When Masood pops his head round the door and tells everyone that Yusef probably falsified the tests, Yusef stares blankly and tells Zainab that the NHS provided the results and therefore he is really a nice man who’s only marginally interested in destroying everyone who’s ever been born.  Zainab believes him until drag queen granny Rose tells her that the NHS don’t provide DNA tests and Yusef is forced to admit that  he’s a ball bag.

Elsewhere on the Square, Poppy and Jodie have moved in with those Moon brothers and everyone immediately shouts ‘SHAG FEST!!!” Tyler also gets this idea into his head and convinces Anthony that the girls want to have a threesome, despite the fact even Wham loving Heather would be dirtier in the sack than those two combined. Finished picturing that? You’re welcome.

Needless to say he soon finds out that they are less than impressed by the suggestion so they all laugh it off and then the girls decide they both quite fancy Anthony so, IT COULD STILL HAPPEN IF ENOUGH BOOZE IS INVOLVED.  We hope the Eastenders writers are as sexually repressed as we are.

‘Fiwl’ Mitchell returns with amnesia and suggests that Ben dates Lola and Ben stops imagining Christian’s undercarriage for a second and moans that his Dad doesn’t  love him.  He then agrees to babysit Amy while Roxy goes out and gets hammered, before deciding it would be more fun to leave toddler Amy alone in the house while he pretends to be straight with Jay.

Amy’s decision to lie face down in some bath water causes everyone to panic and take her to hospital where Jack finds out that Amy has an unexplained fracture. A  perpetually hungover Roxy arrives at the hospital to be told that either Jack gets custody of Amy or Amy goes into care and Roxy will be taken to court. Oh look. Another storyline about parental struggle with an inevitable custody battle. Great.  Where the hell is that threesome?

Finally, Tanya’s text buddy Siobhan dies and Tanya has a panic attack.

Grim.

Next we  arrive in Coronation Street where Fiz hopes that John’s confession will stop her going back to prison but will it? We don’t know and we couldn’t find anyone else who’s be bothered to find out either.

Carla is still a wreck and after telling the factory girls that they’ll get paid after they finish sewing some knickers, she just snaps and fires them. Then Frank decides to offer them all jobs and an unhinged Carla calls him a rapist and tells the women they can have their jobs back. We’re as confused as they are.

It’s Sophie’s birthday this week but as usual all the attention is focused on Rosie when the Gazette article is published and contains gossip about the family along with some tasteless photos. This makes us happy.

Elsewhere, Michelle’s parents take the news that she’s getting married on the beach badly as no-one wants to fall over and get  sand up their bumhole after 17 Mojitos.

Until next week…

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This week we’re dedicating the entire spoilers section to Eastenders! Why? We have no idea but there’s so much going on we literally wet our pants writing this.

First up on Albert Square, the next story line destined to drag out for at least 17 years continues with Amira using her daughter Yasmin to manipulate ex husband Syed for reasons still unknown to everyone, even the writers.

Ben spots them playing happy families in the park and tells Christian who takes off his white vest and thinks Ben is a specky liar but doesn’t tell him that because he’s too busy frowning and flexing in his direction. A sexually frustrated  Ben then asks hecklerspray writer Joanna Bolouri to help him out by opening a cafe, where Syed and Amira will rendezvous, allowing Christian to catch them at it.  Hoping this will speed up this stupid plot, she readily agrees.

When Roxy finds out about Syed and Amira she marches Christian to Joanna’s cafe and as if by magic he catches Syed and Amira together. Everyone argues, shouts and kick each other under the table, except baby Yasmin who’s the only grown up in this whole sorry mess.

Zainab returns from Pakistan to discover she’s a granny, much to Yusef’s dismay as he’s still hoping to kill her with sleeping pills and pointy faced glaring but now some dastardly child is going to ruin his plans, so he decides to tell Christian that Yasmin may not be Syed’s daughter. Noticing that the baby has not yet launched herself from her buggy and backflipped across Albert Square, Christian thinks this may be true and gives Yusef one of Syed’s hairs to do a DNA test.

Sigh.

Elsewhere, Lauren has started pinning her fringe back which is a huge, HUGE mistake as she now can’t use the ‘my hair was in my eyes’ excuse for sleeping with Tyler but more importantly, we can’t make fun of it. Whitney finds out and goes mental at Tyler, who reminds her that she’s with the world’s worst DJ, Fatboy now and we’re reminded that this is the most pitiful romance in history.

Lola makes a joke about Ben being gay and Ben is so shocked by this completely true allegation, he decides he’ll sleep with her to shut her up.  Afterwards Ben realises that he hates vaginas even more than ever and tells Lola that he’s definitely gay which is just what any girl wants to hear after sex.

The brilliant Janine is a year older than she was last year and decides she’ll have something called a birthday but no-one cares. She stomps around all day,  kicking stray dogs and plotting everyone’s demise but then Michael, knowing that even evil girls like twinkly fairy lights, saves the day by throwing a surprise birthday dinner, complete with lights, champagne and self esteem destroying sex for desert and making that smiley face that terrifies everyone to their very soul.

Norman convinces Pat to sign over her house to him, to raise some cash to help Nick Berry in New Zealand and then moves in with her and her massive earring collection.

This week however, there is a scene that make make viewers feel utterly distressed and we hope that the BBC gives out one of their helpline numbers at the end of the episode. Something so traumatic we feel it’s only fair to put it in capitals to make sure you understand how grim it is.  This week, you will witness PAT BUTCHER AND THAT NORMAN FELLA KISSING WITH THEIR DUSTY OLD MOUTHS!

We’d advise you not to look directly at it. We did and the hecklerspray bedsit resembled the end scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Harrowing.

Until next week losers!

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Despite spending most of the week choosing fancy pants to wear to the Cosmo Blog Awards, fighting over who gets to shave that evening with the communal razor and  getting really, really drunk with happiness, we’ve still had time to hold Soap writers hostage in our bedsit and demand they tell us what’s happening in Soapsville this week or we’d show them Matthew Laidlow’s bed sheets.

They quickly told us everything.

EVERYTHING.

Eastenders first this week where Amira realises that she’ll be able to drag out her storyline for at least a month if she keeps refusing to let Syed have contact with Yasmin, so she holds up the baby like a newborn Simba in front of Syed every so often, manically singing ‘The Cirrccrcle of Liiiiife‘  before putting Yasmin back  in her handbag, next to her perfumed mace she’s prepared for Christian.

Syed, unaware the the Eastenders writers have already written him twice a week contact with his daughter, reasonable child support payments and a short break at Butlins, starts sneaking around to try and get some time with Yasmin, even lying to his very, very buff boyfriend which we find utterly loathsome and ridiculous.

Elsewhere, in a planet called ‘Notverybloodylikelyisit?‘, Ian Beale proposes to stripper Mandy Salter after she wrecks the car he’d rented to try and impress her.  Really? Will she say yes or will she just climb on her pole and spin round at such an alarming rate causing time and space fold in on itself,  taking us back to 1993 when she was loved up with Sean Maguire and taking enough drugs to knock over a horse.

That was at least believable.

It’s good news for Fatboy when he finally gets to sniff Whitney up close as the pair decide they’d make a really brilliant couple. We predict a domestic violence storyline when Whitney remembers that time Fatboy tried to sing in church and attempts to strangle him with her scrunchie.

Finally, Pat gets some bad news from Simon in New Zealand, probably telling her that she’s about to be killed off and grabs her chest in a non sexual way in front of Norman. OH JUST DIE WILL YOU???

Next, it’s time for Coronation Street where Frank leaves Carla no choice but to sack some of the useless and/or overweight members of staff when he takes half her stock and sewing machines.  Yeah, we couldn’t believe it either. Sally is one of the first to go and complains for about 3 seconds before Frank offers her the job of sewing machine supervisor and she shuts up.

She also tells estranged husband Kevin that he’s no longer welcome in the house and the words ‘life imitating art’ are mumbled all over the country by people who consider Coronation Street to be ‘art’ instead of ‘horrific’.

Rosie decides that she’ll split up Sally and Jeff by coming on to him and it works when Sally finds them in a compromising  position, but Sophie grasses her up and her mum is shocked.  Then she remembers she’s the evil leader of sewing machines and doesn’t care anymore.

We’d forgotten about Fiz but apparently she’s still in prison for being ginger and finally, Eileen lies under Paul for several minutes and then tells Paul’s wife Lesley about their uninteresting and unlikely liaison.  However, Lesley seems confused rather than angry and we can totally understand this reaction.

Finally we dig out the baby oil and glance seductively at Hollyoaks, where Riley is marrying his Mercedes, blissfully unaware that his car is cheating on him with Carl and is pregnant. Amy wants to take the kids to New York with her and Lee but Ste is having none of it – “NO!” he says.

But then he changes his mind –  ”OK!” he says.

Hard hitting.

We can also reveal that Ash has some sexy time with someone very unlikely, but we’d already slid off the couch before we found out who it was.

Sorry.

You’re welcome!! Now beat it.

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hecklerspray went into mourning last week when we discovered that David Essex had left Eastenders.  There was drinking, swearing, Michael Park wrote some terrible poetry and Mof Gimmers sang ‘Hold Me Close’  while crying over a really old copy of Smash Hits.  It wasn’t pretty.

We couldn’t even mention the word ‘Soaps’ without one of the writers sobbing uncontrollably, let alone write about them, so we had a break.

But with help from our friends, some spiritual guidance and a great big bag of drugs, we’re back and ready to spoil your viewing pleasure once again.

Eastenders first where Tanya starts her chemotherapy and is worried about losing her hair. She takes Lauren along for support because she’s family innit, but mainly because she has an abundance of fringe that can easily be fashioned into an attractive wig if necessary. She also meets a fellow patient called Siobhan, they quickly become friends and agree to text each other all day long. We hope this turns into some sort of sexting in the face of cancer storyline.

Remember Amira?  Syed’s wife? That’s right the one he slept with before he revealed to everyone that he was gay, even though his boyband dance routine, backflips and general trouser arousal at the mere mention of Christian’s name seemed to go unnoticed even at his own wedding. Well, she is back bitches! Not only is she back but she’s dragging around a baby called Yasmin whom she reveals to be Syed’s daughter.

That’s right gentleman, proof that even doing it once with your eyes shut and a feeling of nausea can result in knocking up the opposite sex. Be warned.

Amira still hates Christian and when he tries to get a look at a picture of Yasmin,  Amira sprays perfume in his eyes because as everyone knows, that’s the only way to stop a gay man looking at your photographs.

Zainab stops throwing pills down her neck long enough to work out that if Amira agrees to divorce Syed he’ll be free to marry Christian and start wearing man vests in public places.  The thought of this is too much so she throws herself at Yusef from a great height and they kiss each other WITH THEIR MOUTHS.  She then walks around, covered in shame and decides to piss off to Pakistan with him, hopefully getting set on fire again for being so stupid.

Elsewhere, Carol returns to find out that David Essex has left and gets upset like the rest of us. We miss him too.

Michael is still pulling the most extraordinary faces to hide the fact that no-one likes him and Shirley returns from her holiday and squirts perfume in Ben’s face when he tries to look at her holiday snaps. OR DOES SHE?!

No.

Next we’re running naked towards Coronation Street where the question on everyone’s lips is ‘Did that fella who plays Kevin Webster sexually assault that schoolgirl?’  We’re not going to make fun of this, considering the girl in question was only 6 at the time but we’re still going to bring it up.

Anyway, back to the street where Frank wins his appeal for bail and is now free to do scenes which don’t take place in a prison and Carla isn’t happy about this. Stella comes to visit her and tells her that she was also once raped and they forget that they hate each other for more than 5 seconds.

Frank being the grown up in all of this, gets his mummy to pick on Carla at the factory and then they laugh at her while she has a nervous breakdown.

Elsewhere, Sophie wants to go on holiday with Sian and her mum and Tracy reminds Steve that she’s pregnant with his child at least 87 times.

Finally we get dressed and carefully avoid steaming piles of horseshit on our away to Emmerdale, where the cunning plan to bring down the Kings is carried out. Cameron sabotages the CCTV and the trucks are all driven away by him, Charity and Cain.  Then, the mere thought of truck stealing gets Cain and Charity so sexually excited they practically mount each other when alone.

However, after Charity finds out that Cain impregnated Amy she decides that he’s not attractive anymore and goes back to Jai but will he still want her after she’s been fake licking that dreadful man? Probably.

In other news, Lauren and Marlon kiss and we don’t care.

Until next week mofos.

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Gosh, can you believe it’s been a whole week since we last vomited Soap news into your laps?  Well it has. Deal with it. We’re glad you didn’t bother washing those trousers as here it comes again you miserable lot!

In Eastenders this week Masood tells Zainab he wants a divorce because that’s what you do when your wife tries to kill herself isn’t it? Not according to Tanwar who tells his father what a big swine he is and demands he stay married to the stress monkey because Allah says so. Meanwhile Zainab can’t remember a bloody thing but is still determined to make food for everyone on an hourly basis and tell everyone who’ll listen that Masood is her husband.

We know, shurrupalready.

Yusef is clearly annoyed that this storyline hasn’t required him to make any facial movements for 17 years now and we think he might be cheesed off about this but, as he remains emotionally paralysed, we’re just not sure.

Never mind all that though, because Ben is liking this whole kissing boys lark and he steals another smooch from Duncan but they are seen by Patrick who, for once, isn’t destroyed on rum and singing into his hat [euphemism for puking alert, Ed].  Fearing Patrick will tell Phil, Ben goes and throws a brick through the B&B window and it all goes to hell in a handbag with a showdown in the Minute Mart.

Of course, this sees Phil being branded a racist and then Duncan only goes and dumps Ben. AWWWWW! HAHHAHA!

And while all this palaver is going on, Vanessa is still stomping around even though she’s got bugger all to do now, so Michael offers her cash to stay away from his family and leave Walford for good.  She refuses at first, telling him that she really quite fancies David Essex and is hanging on in case he decides to go back to singing.

Then she runs out of fake tan and is forced to take Michael’s money… but will she actually go? Will Eddie ever break into a quick rendition of ‘Hold Me Close?’

WE JUST DON’T KNOW.

Elsewhere on Easties, Tyler returns home with his head still attached to his shoulders and manages to kiss Whitney but then Michael tells him that she used to be a prostitute and he quickly wishes that those bloody doctors hadn’t bothered to save him while Ian gets a piece of paper with words on it, telling him that Jane still hates him and is no longer his wife.

We’d forgotten about Jane. Hopefully she’ll turn up and finally tell everyone that she’s a Glaswegian.

Moving swiftly along, it’s Coronation Street‘s turn next where Leanne is asking, nay DEMANDING answers from Frank over the rape. But will she get the truth? What is the truth? Anyone? Carla goes back to work and then she doesn’t because it’s all too much, knowing the truth and all that and goes to see Doctor Carter but WILL SHE TELL HIM THE TRUTH? Carla then decides to end it all, because of the truth.

Enough!! WE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.

Also on the cobbles, Bill Webster has a heart attack which no-one cares about, Sally and Kevin kiss each other on the mouth with all the crashing predictability you’d expect from two of the most one-dimensional humans in soapsville and Dev enters Aadi into a golf competition.

So there.

Finally, it’s over to Emmerdale where Lisa tells Val that she doesn’t want Belle hanging around with Amy anymore for reasons we couldn’t be bothered finding out but then Belle helps Amy sneak off to meet David, leaving her thinking that David is the baby’s daddy and not that no good Cain fellow.

Aaron takes his shirt off much to the delight of the female hecklerspray staff (and also Matthew Laidlow if he’s honest), and shows Chas his chest.  We then discover it’s because he’s been self harming and feel a bit wrong about our naked cheering.

YOWZAH!

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We know that some all of our readers are unhinged enough to believe that the Land of Soaps is actually a real place, filled with real people who face real problems every day and as we’re really quite mischievous we’ll play along with this batshitcrazy idea.

Besides, we’ve got nothing else to do since Sophie Hall put her giant foot through our telly when Gary Barlow didn’t wear the gloves she knitted for him on X-Factor this week.

Off we go to Eastenders where Darren, once voted ‘Most unlikely to ever get laid’ by everyone with working eyes wakes up nestled in the fringe of Lauren who’s probably still drunk from the night before.

They decide it’s all been a terrible mistake as Darren is about to wed idiot Jodie who unbeknownst to them has already caught them out. Darren then gets a conscience written into his script and tells Fatboy everything and then Poppy finds out who tells Jodie that Darren has managed to sleep with someone else other her her and George Michael fan Heather. Of course Jodie already knows this but is determined to get married anyway because as we all know getting married in a soap means a great big dirty story line and an inevitable death/dance routine.

Darren decides that he cannot top Syed’s backflip and rather than get killed off in some freak accident involving Jodie’s curling tongs, he says his farewells and runs off the square towards panto season in Blackpool.

Tanya decides to shut Lauren up by telling her she has cancer and Lauren promises to keep it a secret while becoming an expert on it by looking it up on google and frowning a lot.

Yusef continues to meddle and scheme, even though no-one is really interested anymore and drugs Zainab with his impressive collection of sleeping pills. He then put the bottle in her hand to make it look like she’s attempted suicide and again no one cares.

Especially us.

Michael has now become the best son in the world after being hypnotised by David Essex and helps out in the antiques emporium, promising to keep Craig a secret from everyone until Tyler gets better. He warns Vanessa to stay away from his family which of course she doesn’t and attaches herself to Eddie with Velcro and nail glue.

Phil decides to perform his own special rendition of  ’So you want to be a boxer?’ from Bugsy Malone to a horrified Ben to try and toughen up his son.  However this plan backfires because we all know that Ben loves a good musical which obviously means he’s gay now and kisses his sparring partner Duncan. WHO KISSES HIM RIGHT BACK! Go specky!

Next up it’s Coronation Street and yet another wedding where someone wants to get married to someone else who doesn’t.  Carla finally admits this to Frank and tells him it’s because she still fancies bloody Peter and this news is enough to make anyone violent with disbelief.  When she’s found on the floor in tears by Maria, Carla tells her that Frank raped her and they all jog off to the Police station. Frank says he’s innocent, Carla says he isn’t and then everyone has a giant fight where Peter Barlow gets arrested for being too punchy in someone’s face.

Elsewhere, Dev is not happy when Sunita insists he must cancel his ridiculously expensive golf membership, Gary plays matchmaker for Owen and Anna where they both get soaked when he’s fiddling with her sink and the stopcock breaks. Not a euphemism unfortunately.

Finally we shimmy slowly towards Emmerdale where  Amy decides to deal with her pregnancy by drinking lots of booze straight from the bottle in some bizarre attempt to bring on a miscarriage. When she starts getting stomach pains and is taken to hospital, she’s devastated to find out that her evil plan hasn’t worked and that she’s still pregnant with Cain’s child.

Jimmy and Nicola get it RIGHT ON in Declan’s bed and after they bore everyone by saying it was a one off, they inevitably decide they still love each other and quite like that manky thing they did with no clothes on.

Until next time you perverts.

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It’s Monday you morons! Time to find out exactly what your favourite made up  people are up to this week in Soapland! MADE UP? That’s right, it isn’t real but was invented by people called writers who, if the hecklerspray scribes are anything to go by are most likely soulless villains, sniggering at you from behind their laptops.

We know we are.

We’re off to Eastenders first for no other reason than we’ve spent all weekend licking our framed poster of Shane Ritchie, where Tyler gets well and truly battered in his first boxing match, organised by family member and complete bastard Michael.

Michael wants Tyler to lose so he decides his opponent will be someone called Stiller, who is so mean he probably glares crossly at kittens for fun and gives people negative feedback on Ebay, even when they’ve provided quality goods and a prompt service.

Awful.

But despite being hit several times in his stupid face, Tyler sees Whitney in the crowd and remembers that she’ll never shag him if he’s dead or in traction, so he decides to win the fight FOR LOVE! However, it’s too late and bleeding on his brain means he ends up having life saving surgery while his dad David Essex sings ‘Oh What a Circus’ to passing nurses.

AAADWIAN!

Michael is FUMING that he hasn’t been given a better storyline and decides to take it out on Vanessa while causing trouble for Carol and everyone else that coughs in his general direction. Carol thinks Vanessa and Eddie are doing it so she buggers off to do Yoga with Sonia in Soaphell. Michael then finds out he’s got a half brother who has Down’s Syndrome, increasing the number of Moon family members to 754.

In other unlikely news, Darren kisses Lauren after Jodie dumps him for stealing from the car lot and Mandy has a cunning plan to give Phil Mitchell a lap dance for calling her a prostitute.

Really?

Over to Coronation Street where Steve is shocked when Deirdre drops something. A BOMBSHELL! Despite being sworn to secrecy, she tells Steve that Tracy is pregnant and is going to have an abortion.  As Steve pretty much can’t be arsed doing anything he tells Tracy that he wants nothing to do with the baby. But then he changes his mind again. OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAN, PICK A SIDE.  Does Tracy go through with it? No, of course she doesn’t, there’s a year’s worth of material there to tediously spin out.

Carla still has cold feet about this wedding and isn’t very happy when Frank tells her the house they wanted ages ago is now available again. She then decides to secretly go and see a solicitor giving Frank the prefect opportunity to burst in and demand to know what’s going on. “WHAT’S GOING ON?”, he’ll say.

Meanwhile Tina boxes someone in with Rita’s car.  ”OH JESUS CHRIST, NO!!”

Ahem.

Finally it is time to admit that we still watch Home and Away, even though Melissa George isn’t in it any more and this week Heath gets tasered after he’s arrested for being a drug dealer. That’s more like it. There’s also secret affairs, a character called Roo and probably some sharks in the sea who are patiently waiting to eat Alf Stewart.  Struth.

Until next week….

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Imagine waking up every morning and seeing Coldplay’s Chris Martin lying there in his hemp pyjamas, gurgling while he dreams about drawing another slogan on his hand which will end world hunger.

It’s little wonder then, that Gwyneth Paltrow has conducted an interview saying that she “respects and admires” people who have conducted extra-marital affairs.

This is presumably because she can think of doing little else.

Paltrow has been married to Martin for nearly a decade now and is clearly so bored with life, that she’s written a cook book and thinking about becoming a professional singer, just to show her husband how easy it is to get a record out these days.

But she really needs someone else to share juices with. She says:

“I am a great romantic – but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist.

“Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It’s like we’re flawed – we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge.

“That’s their problem but I really think that the more I live my life the more I learn not to judge people for what they do.”

Of course, she’ll be very understanding and forgiving should Chris have it away with all those middle-class groupies that attend Coldplay’s tedium events in the stadiums of the world.

Either way, if you’re nothing like Chris Martin and have a noticeable personality, you might be in with a chance of being Gwyn’s bit of crumpet on the side.

That’s nice isn’t it. Do tell her to stop singing if you’re the lucky affairee.

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It’s Monday! Do you know what this means?! That’s right, not only do you still smell like Jagerbombs and vomit from Saturday night but it’s also time to find out what’s coming up in Soapland!

Yes, as usual we skip along to Eastenders first where Michael has yet another cunning plan up his sleeve. Oh good. We’re not getting bored with this in the slightest.

OK, the deal is that Vanessa will get Eddie and his girlfriend Carol to break up on the day that Tyler is having his boxing match and will get pummeled.  Which is Tuesday. YOU GOT THAT?  TUESDAY! Because  apparently Tuesday is the anniversary of his mother’s death and it would be brilliant if everything went tits up and Michael could get his long… drawn out… revenge… finally.  However, Vanessa now realises that Eddie is David Essex and starts to fall in love with him and kisses him on the mouth while he promises to make her a star.

Elsewhere, Kat and Alfie fight over who’s sperm managed to penetrate her leopard skin knickers and Alfie Moon claims he’s sterile so it couldn’t have possibly been him what done it. Tests from the doctor prove otherwise but it’s too late as Kat loses the baby and decides she never wants to have any more. EVER.

Syed and Christian still want to get married so Syed decides to find Amira and get a divorce. When sneaky Doctor Yuesf gets wind of this, he stops testing Alfie Moon’s sperm count and decides he wants to double cross everyone in the entire world. Especially you.

Mandy comes back again armed with 3 super soakers and plays happy families with Ian and his sniveling child Bobby, soaking Janine in the process. Ian then announces that Mandy will be moving in with them and Janine rolls her eyes and probably buys some diamonds and kicks a dog made out of gold.

Next up, we slowly walk towards Coronation Street where Carla and Frank have their engagement party in the Rovers with Frank’s parents and enough booze to knock over a horse. Unfortunately for Stella, it’s not a horse that gets knocked over but her when Carla decides to get smashed and drive off in a huff. Right over Stella. Frank decides to take the blame as Stella is carted off and put on penis-shaped chocolate life support machine.

Norris is a hero as Leon has been sent back to jail and Fiz is delighted to hear this so she decides to stand up to that rascal Ruth. Meanwhile Tyrone actually manages to pull a girl. We find this hard to believe.

Tracey returns home with Amy and after doing some shouting about Steve it turns out she’s only gone and got knocked up by him AGAIN! He doesn’t know this yet.

Finally it’s time to wander aimlessly over to Emmerdale where Andy is worried about Sarah and not looking forward to moving to Spain, unlike Jacob and Alicia who have been sitting on their packed suitcases for weeks. He then tells them they’re not going. Prick.

Amy is still pregnant with grubby Cain’s child and tells everyone to keep quiet or he’ll be really cross. Realising this she decides to have a termination from a terminator. Or a doctor as they’re sometimes called.  However, she’s too far along in her pregnancy and the reality of pushing out Cain’s offspring from her lady parts all becomes too much. Even for us.

Until next week. We love you.

Kind of.

Not really.

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Here at hecklerspray we live for soaps and spend literally weeks minutes gathering insider information to bring you these spoilers every week, and every night before we snuggle up together in our single bed we all sing this while holding hands and remember that even though we’re complete losers, we’ll never be as needy as you lot.

So off we go to Eastenders where Ryan isn’t dead, although, he may as well be by the amount of wailing and gnashing of teeth that’s been going on. Whitney returns home to tell Lauren that Ryan has bolted and between tears, Whitney’s mascara and Lauren’s fringe the likelihood of them being able to see him if he did come back is pretty slim anyway.

Mandy Salter, who left in 1994 returns to Eastenders this week and we really hope she isn’t as annoying as she was back then. Ian Beale goes to a strip club and sees Mandy being thrown out. She then hijacks Beale and returns to Albert Square where the police turn up and Ian gets arrested for attempting to solicit a prostitute. It gets better. He gets back from the police station, invites Mandy to stay with him where she  draws a beard on him and hides his phone in a jelly. IN A FUCKING JELLY!!

Kat Slater gets some shocking news when she finds out she’s up the duff again and this time it’s actually to Alfie. Understandably he asks the question though as David Essex has been getting quite a lot of action recently and probably hasn’t been sleeping with the woman who runs his fan club.

Michael is quite annoying now isn’t he?  He’s making mischief again this week by trying to convince Anthony that Eddie has forgotten his birthday which is rather lame and he then has a big juvenile fight with Janine which results in him drunkenly ending up in Janine’s bed trying to remember if they threw their uglies up each other or not.

Norman tries to make a move on Pat and we wonder whether the people who write this awful dreck think we’re all mental enough to buy this.

As we predicted Harry returns to help our Jodie with her wedding but only on the condition that Vanessa stays away. OH WHO CARES??

Next we stagger off to Coronation Street where Kylie decides to apologise  to Audrey but Audrey is having none of it and tells her to piss off forthwith.  She then decides to steal Nick’s keys and lock Gayle out but how will David react when he comes home? We don’t know, but this is exactly the sort of things that can be created by TV’s greatest minds. We should be thankful really.

Idiot Tyrone comes up with a genius plan with Kirk  to take pictures of Leon’s drug deals and blackmail him but they soon realise that it maybe wasn’t the brightest move in the world when he attacks them with a baseball bat.  So they accidentally kidnap him instead.

Carla has cold feet about the wedding, Steve is wondering where the hell Tracy is and Becky is still there despite our recent online campaign.

Finally, we run screaming towards River City where Jo is still determined to take revenge on Gabriel and tells Lenny that the plan is still going ahead. However, as in all soaps hating someone means you really want to do unspeakable naked things to them and Molly walks in on Jo and Gabriel kissing like perverts.

Elsewhere Big Bob has been kissing Iona despite the fact he’s about to get married to Tattie and after we’d finished laughing at that name we discovered there’s also a character called Madonna and we all went to live in a cave where we never have to be subjected to this nonsense ever again.

Until next week ingrates.

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Spoiling soaps time! Hurray! Don’t complain. It’s not like the headline didn’t warn you that we’re about to tell you things that are about to happen in your favourite soap opera. Only a bovine brained div would whine about such things.

Sadly, many of you are indeed, moo-headed simpletons, but that probably says more about us than you.

Anyway, first up it’s Eastenders where Vanessa’s broken heart causes her to throw a wobbler of epic proportions when she confronts Tanya over her affair with the very average Max Branning.  She trashes the house, attacks Jack and is finally thrown out on her arse by an angry Carol who should be happy as a clam, given that she recently slept with David Essex. Rock on. She then finds out that Jodie has told her dad Harry how worried she is about her mum and this reminds us that there’s a character called Harry who’s probably due to pop up again at some point.

Tanya goes to see Doctor Devious who tells her to go for a biopsy as soon as possible and the results as predicted are bad news – she has cancer.  Does she tell her loved ones? No. We expect a ‘shock revelation’ storyline at some point.

Meanwhile Michael Moon decides to offer Vanessa a big pile of cash to be mean  to his dad and we get quickly bored and wish someone would fall off a roof again. Ian confesses to Rebecca that Jane isn’t actually dead, Whitney goes on a date with someone called Lee who’s in cahoots with her old pimp fella Rob and Norman is upset when Jean is his ‘Pearly Queen’ and not gigantic, make-up gun faced Paaaat.

Next we stumble over the cobbles to Coronation Street where Frank proposes to Carla in the Rovers who decides she needs time to think because she secretly still fancies that Peter and we need time think about how we wouldn’t be forced to watch this drivel if we’d taken up that job offer in space.

Jailbird Fiz discovers that Ruth may be using her baby to smuggle drugs into the prison after finding Ginny unconscious in her cell from an overdose.  Will she tell the governor? Will the person who plays the governor ever get any proper acting work ever again?

Meanwhile, in the cafe, Sylvia starts charging the locals to use the toilet. They are of course outraged and Norris even snatches the key to avoid paying. No really. Yes, we’re glad we’re nor responsible for writing this nonsense either. Tommy makes a meal for Tina who may just ditch him for Doctor Carter after he chats her up in the pub and Carla and Leanne scrap in the street like two big chavvy would-be looter swine.

Finally we head to Emmerdale where Nikhil and the factory girls are still squabbling and he is humiliated when his brother manages to get them to go back to work.  Amy is shocked when Jared appears from nowhere and she’s convinced he’s going to cause trouble, which is probably a very good guess because she did break up his family by shagging his dad after all.

Staying on the shagging theme, Amy and Cain have made a baby it seems but Cain isn’t happy about becoming a father again and holds her captive until she agrees to have an abortion.

What a catch.

David  makes a right tit of himself by stumbling into the pub wearing Leyla’s wedding dress, which is just about the most exciting thing that’s happened in the Dales since an aeroplane fell on Frazer Hines head.

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We love soaps…well, perhaps love is a bit strong, maybe despise is closer to the truth but regardless we realise some of you need this information in order to function normally, so here you go.

Losers.

In Eastenders this week, Max and Tanya finally get caught out even though we’ve all known about it for weeks and have been telling anyone who’ll listen. Yes, Jack has foiled their evil cockney plan and tells Max that he’s going to end up a lonely old shit-bag like him. Then Max says something back and when Tanya turns up Jack says she’s no better than Stacey and Tanya does a chin wobble.  The cad.

Then Max and Tanya decide that after 178 years of fighting and shagging, they’re still in love and decide to tell everyone in the whole world.  BUT THEN Tanya gets a letter from the doctor saying that her smear test has come back abnormal and she may have cancer.

So that throws a spanner in the works eh? Will she still run off with Max? Will Lauren pass her driving test despite not being able to see anything through that fringe and will shaky Vanessa come round and clean our bedsit please?

Also in Easties this week, Kat demands to get her couch back off David Essex or demands he pay her £1000 for a new one. What will he do? She gets it back.

She then realises her couch is minging and goes off on a rant because she’s never bloody happy and mad Jean fancies that bloke wot fancies Pat and offers to be his ‘Pearly Queen.’  We dread to think.

Next we jog off to Coronation Street where the life threatening diseases are also infecting the characters here as we find out that Chris has a brain tumour. Of course he does.  He manages to smash up Maria’s flat before blurting this out to Cheryl. She then wants him to move in with her and Lloyd (Craig Charles), who thinks this is a rubbish idea and wishes Red Dwarf hadn’t been cancelled.

David and Kylie are left in charge of Audrey’s salon where they promptly give someone some dangerous reiki or something and Gayle goes to her mum and grasses them up.  However Audrey is busy making Marc and has to quickly shove a cream pie in his face to stop Gayle finding out.

We blame Johnnie Marbles. Not just for this.

Anyway, Gayle goes to work in the Bistro, Brian and Julie decide to go on a second date and if they decided to follow the third date rule, we don’t want to bloody know about it.

Finally it’s over to Hollyoaks where India’s murder is being investigated and the pressure is getting to Texas who’s finally wondering why both she and her sister have been given ridiculous names.  Until someone called Silas pipes up and she realises it could have been a lot worse.

BUT then Mercedes, Riley, Carmel, Dodger and Bart appeared and we threw our television out of the window in disgust and hoped for a quick death.

Until next week you maniacs.

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We don’t know about you but it’s been quite a week here at hecklerspray since we last gave you something to live for.

Our editor Mof, finally found out that fellow writer and massive Steps fan Michael Park is really his son after a one night stand with someone he thought was Kerry Katona but wasn’t.  Not even close. Kris Silver was named and shamed in his local paper when he called a 70 year old librarian “a complete bastard” when she asked him to pay 70p in fines for a Jackie Collins novel he hadn’t even had time to read and finally Sophie Hall was arrested for going unreservedly ape-shit after she’d spent 2 hours alone on a train to Flamigoland only to find out she was too small to get on any of the rides. Even the toddler ones.

Our lives are much more exciting than these soaps. But you don’t care do you? You just want to know about FAKE people. Fine then.

First up we have Eastenders where Roxy finally decides that Phil is a great big ball-bag and decides to sell her half of the club to Janine to spite him.  However the real genius behind this storyline is that Janine is now a rich Pirate who owns a parrot called Frank and brings it to the club.  IT’S TRUE!! Well, apart from the Pirate part. Phil obviously doesn’t like parrots and decides to let it escape.  We hope it’s found and gets it’s own spin-off series.

Roxy probably doesn’t know about any of this as she’s too busy drunkenly snogging Tyler Moon in the Vic while the rest of us play guess the age difference.

It seems the Moon family are determined to shag the entire cast, with new ladies man Tyler asking out Poppy and finally giving her character a reason to be there and Daddy Moon (David Essex) decides to give Carol a ride on his ‘Silver Dream Machine’ after a big party to celebrate the launch of their really, really dull business.

Elsewhere, Christian and Syed tell that miserable family of stereotypes that they’re engaged and Masood goes in another strop about having a gay child or even worse ONE WHO IS MARRIED TO A GIRL WHO CARES ABOUT FOLDING NAPKINS!!!

The end is nigh for the dullest couple in soap history, Julie and Billy when Julie finally decides that Lola has rubbish hair and cannot stand living with her anymore. Well, that and the fact she’s a thieving delinquent.  Julie then leaves Walford, meaning there’s now a space for another bloody member of the Moon family to join Eastenders. Just you watch.

Oh and somebody flirts with Ian Beale after he pretends his wife Jane is dead.  Really?

On to Coronation Street where everyone is still at it; including Becky who sleeps with Nick at Gail’s house after Steve sleeps with Tracy and it’s all just a bit grubby isn’t it?  Becky then comes downstairs for breakfast and the sight of her first thing makes everyone want to throw toast and jam at her pointy face.  Steve then tries to make Becky jealous and invites someone called Beth to the Bistro where he gets flung out for still being in the same soap for 87 years.

Kylie decides that she actually does want Max after a heart to heart with Gail and goes to court with David for a hearing to decide Max’s future. They then take great delight in telling Becky they’re in with a shot of getting custody of Max.

Who the hell is Max?

Tommy decides to go out clubbing with Amber but also quite likes Tina and just as they’re about to face kiss each other Amber bursts in, probably kicking down the door Van Damme style , leaving Tommy to explain himself and his dirty ways.

We wish that would happen.

Finally, down at Emmerdale Layla is leaving!!  The mentalist snatches Jacob and takes him into Leeds. LEEDS!!! THAT’S MINUTES AWAY!!! CALL THE POLICE!!  When everyone catches up with Layla, they’re really cross and she even gets slapped by her sister Alicia before she heads off into the sunset.  Is she sorry? Does she go alone? We dunno.

Sneaky Amy lies about her involvement in the robbery but Victoria suspects it’s all lies and that. Which it is. She then turns to Zak for advice about whether or not to confess.

But the award for worst babysitter of the week and possibly best storyline of the year goes to Emmerdale when Sandy falls asleep while babysitting for Samson and everyone arrives home to chaos and Sandy spark out with a painted on green moustache and beard. HURRAH!!!

We write this because we love you.

Well, not you. We hate you.

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