Denise Welch officially splits from Tim Healy, not that anyone cares anymore. Remember at the end of Jurassic Park where all of the dinosaurs were left to their own devices and untouched by human hands again? And when King Kong was shot fell to his death from the Empire State building? And when Ethel Skinner was put down by Dot Cotton, ending her reign of sexual terror? Well, these are examples of when it’s acceptable to lock up/euthanise sexual threats because they pose a threat to greater society.

Unfortunately, we are facing a turning point in our history because one of these situations has arisen again: Denise Welch is single again.

The 2012 Celebrity Big Brother winner and Byker Grove star confirmed the worrying news yesterday on Loose Women, where she spoke candidly and without any prompting from her agent about the situation between her and Career Geordie, Tim Healy.

Which isn’t great is it? Now you won’t be able to finish your cornflakes without worrying about where Denise will be striking next.

Unfortunately for any people with a working penis (she doesn’t discriminate against gay or straight apparently) this means that she’s bringing her own unique brand of syphilitic whoring to a town near you VERY SOON. Lock up your brothers, husbands, sons and nephews, because she is coming for them.

We imagine that this is what it felt like when news broke about Hitler annexing Czechoslovakia. Everyone was one step closer to War, and we are one step closer to reading all about her every step and clap of pissflap in every magazine going. We’ll have her yearning to have a family in OK! and her desire to be single and how she’s loving the single life in Hello! And whatever shit the Daily Mail want to publish about her.

The Welch Menace got all teary and emotional when she broke the heart-rendering news to the Loose Women audience and fans, and told them that they had been separated for a “a few months” even though she was seen acting like a married couple just last week at Tim Healy’s birthday, in a move that will send ripples through the camps of fellow Career Divorcées Kerry Katona and Natasha Giggs. If she can infiltrate and imitate a happy couple so convincingly then what’s stopping her from using her human chameleon powers to rob a bank, or worse still, your husband. In fact, she might even be in your house now!

To help put your mind at rest, here is our handy guide to surviving the Welch Menace until she is fully under control and we’ve all forgotten about her.

• Regularly check under all settees and covered tables. Denise Welch is well known for sleeping in dark and warm areas that can also provide protection, until she is ready to strike again. If you do suspect Denise Welch is under your settee, do not approach. She will lift her top and expose herself if provoked.
• Do not store unused alcohol on your premises until the Welch Panic is over. She can smell alcohol from up to 16 miles away and has been known to flock overnight to reach a newly opened bottle of Martini. At the very least keep a bottle top on all alcohol that is not in use, so as not to attract her attention.
• If you do become cornered by a Denise Welch, do not frighten or attack (see point 1). Instead, stay as still as possible until the threat has passed. Denise Welch is attracted by people who regularly move around and will soon get bored if she thinks there is no one in the room with her to annoy/talk about herself to/mate with. Once she has gone, lock all your windows and doors and wait for a member of Heat to arrive so they can document every thing she has done.
• If you are unfortunate enough and she does realise you are there, then either a) open a bottle of wine (pink is her favourite) and throw it into the corner of the room. The distraction will be enough for you to make your escape, or b) use whatever shiny surface you can find to distract her attention. If Denise Welch has a shiny surface to talk to, and thinks that she is talking to someone who she thinks is her equal, she can spend upwards of 56 hours nonstop conversing with herself.
• Do not under any circumstances listen to anything Denise Welch says. She is descended from a line of mythical prostitute Sirens and she has been known to make even a passing interest in her career stretch out for two decades.

If you’re reading this and your husband has already expressed an interest in seeing her at a local public gathering, or muttered the words ‘Natalie Barnes’ in his sleep, then unfortunately it is already too late.

Good luck out there and be vigilant.

Chav icon and astonishing dimwit Kerry Katona, has been bothering the police after receiving phone calls from a suspected stalker who has obviously reached a low point in their life, given that they could have shown interest in ANYONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET!

It seems an American woman, believed to be called Stella, has been ringing Katona ‘non-stop for weeks’ and recently contacted the reality star’s manager Max Clifford, claiming to have watched her getting changed at her Surrey mansion.

Yes. Really.

Speaking to the Sunday Mirror, Katona strung some words together:

“I was getting dressed and there was a phone call to Max’s company from this lady saying she’d been watching me getting changed.”

“The thing was I had been naked and putting my clothes on minutes before.”

Brrr.

“So I panicked and called the police. But this woman has been annoying us all for weeks now. At the end of the day I’ve got four kids, live in a big house and have to take this sort of thing seriously.”

But Kerry, YOU HAVE BEEN ANNOYING US ALL FOR YEARS AND WE HAVEN’T TAKEN YOU SERIOUSLY ENOUGH TO CALL THE POLICE!

Yet. There’s still time readers.

Clifford described the situation as ‘very sad for the lady’ and ‘very scary for Kerry,’ before laughing and riding off into the distance on his diamond horse.

Katona was previously stalked in 2009, when a fan began turning up at her Cheshire mansion after they became Facebook friends. The fan received a warning to stay away from Katona, proving that your friends on Facebook actually hate you and you mean nothing to them.

Kerry said this was the first time she had felt scared about a stalker but is refusing to let it get her down saying:

‘I’m finally getting my life back on track and nothing is going to stand in my way.’

Bother.

Our good friend Michael Barrymore has been hitting the yayo pretty bad. Think it’s time we staged an intervention. After all, he is our good, close personal friend Michael Barrymore, whom we care for. And as the good good friend of our friend Michael Barrymore, we need to be on hand to cater for all of Michael’s post 2005 whims.

Such as wiping his constantly replenishing cocaine moustache, or respectfully reporting the news yesterday that Mike has been arrested for his lovably endearing and altogether totally fine hobby.

At around 4am yesterday morning, the former TV presenter, and ex-guy-people-used-to-like was arrested near his flat in London with ‘unidentified male friend’ (nudge, nudge) for the most extreme of winter sports (that’s a cocaine joke, cocaine fans). The news of which, came as a shock to us all.

Not an actual shock, obviously – just a shock that someone would give half a chuff about arresting Micheal Barrymore for cocaine abuse in 2011.

Sure, Michael’s been through a lot over the past 800 years. What with Strike It Lucky, and that poorly received Hitler impersonation on Celebrity Big Brother, and all the rest of it. And as the old Japanese proverb goes;

“When C4 decommission your rumoured comeback chat show, just take some cocaine instead.”

Or if you’d prefer something a little closer to home, as Chumbawamba once said, “I Get Knocked Down, and Then I Stay In An Eternal Ebb Until The Day Of My Arrest, Where I Finally Get To Be Close To People Again”.

You know the one.

So, as you can see – a whole plethora of signs have been leading Michael this way for quite a while now. Especially when the big boost from CBB did not sow the spermatozoon of that vibrant resurrected career we were all secretly gunning for after all the ‘stuff’ (God, you guys and Michael Barrymore’s ‘stuff’. That’s all you ever go on about, isn’t it?) and instead went a little bit like this:

So all in all, we did actively try and give Michael the whole back sack and Robert Downey Jr. treatment. We really did. As it stands – probably best off letting him enjoy his nice cocaine in peace now, and we’ll just remember the good times.

No no, we said the good times.

That’ll have to do.

And just when we thought Alex Reid’s career couldn’t sink any lower… he announces that he’s due to tour the country and strip off in front of hundreds of people night after night.

Fresh from getting engaged to, and talking about wanting babies with, fellow former Celebrity Big Brother alumna Chantelle Houghton, Alex has announced that he’s due to star in the play, yes someone’s actually cast him in a play, Wildboyz.

And people say that theatre is too high-brow.

Other stars of the show, about a group of lads who decide to become strippers, you know, like in that film with Robert Carlisle, will include Danny Young, who played Warren in Corrie, Marcus Patrick a.k.a. Ben Davies from Hollyoaks and Dale Howard, from… erm… Big Brother.

This has Olivier Award written all over it.

Wildboyz is due to grace the towns of Stevenage, Bradford, Leicester, Skegness, Colchester, Plymouth, Newcastle and Margate. And while there are no immediate plans for a West End run we here at hecklerspray are certain that Messrs Reid, Patrick, Young and Howard will be treading the boards at the Victoria, Apollo or Gielgud in no time.

Whether the theatre will be open that day or not will be another matter.

The show has been described, by the people who have been paid to lie about how good it is, as:

A hysterical tease from the beginning to its spectacular climax, lifting the lid on the world of celebrity, with audience participation, guaranteeing not a dry seat in the house.

Not a dry seat? Are the audience all going to void the bowels with shame after being subjected to Alex Reid’s acting talent?

That’s REALLY selling it to us.

One thing remains certain at least, even with pictures like the one below floating around, there’s not much of a chance of Alex or the rest of the Wildboyz being signed by Katie Price.

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There’s not much of Pamela Anderson we haven’t seen, thanks to a couple of grainy sex tapes that proved very popular with lonely swine all those years ago. Yet, oddly, there’s something very likeable about Pammy.

Is it because she’s self-deprecating? Probably not. You’re into the whole ‘boobs’ thing aren’t you?

Well, less pleasant than the female form, squeezed into a high-cut horror-bikini is skidmarks. That’s right. Skidders. For some reason, Pamela has entered the Big Brother house, now that all the other celebrities have gone, and promised to leave a skidmark in there. We have no idea what she means, but it doesn’t sound very hygienic.

After Paddy Doherty won Celebrity Big Brother, cueing up the entire nation to make lazy jokes about not being able to evict travellers from a house, Pammy was seen on the BB sofa.

This, of course, was very exciting for Brian Dowling who, despite being surprisingly impressive in the live shows, is liable to squeal at absolutely everything in sight.

But what about the soiled undies?

Well, when Anderson was called to the Diary Room, she told Big Brother:

“It’s fun to be here.”

“I’m going to give them the ride of their lives, and leave a skidmark on every one of them.”

Filth.

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The curse of Celebrity Big Brother is rearing its ugly head again as former contestants and professional divorcees Alex Reid and Chantelle Houghton announce that they think they’re ready to reproduce.

Jordan’s former fella spread the word via one of those glossy lady rags that you see in your dentist’s waiting room, but would never pick up because there’s a picture of Alex Reid on the cover trying his best to look like he’s still a cage-fighter…

…or vaguely relevant.

According to Reid, who’s been dating Chantelle for less than 6 months, Houghton is, “the one.” He didn’t clarify whether he meant romantically or in more of an intellectual capacity, but for arguments sake we’ll just assume he meant he’s willing to spend the rest of his life with a woman who secretly arranged for photographers to follow her and her ex, Rav Wilding, around, just so that she’d get some column inches.

The lawyers have informed us that we should probably point out that it’s only alleged that Chantelle had the paparazzi follow her around, but let’s be honest, we all know it was true.

So, with a cross dressing cage fighter and an equally imbecilic former Paris Hilton impersonator for parents, what can we expect from this imminently arriving celebrity sprog?

First off, upon exiting the womb the baby will be expected to sign an exclusivity deal with both OK! Magazine and Channel 5, ensuring that every word, step, burp and bowel movement will be documented live for our entertainment. It’ll be like the Truman Show, but with a disturbing sexual undertone.

Secondly, the baby is going to be stupid and we blame the parents. Let’s face it, Reid and Houghton have probably spent more time on a sun bed than they have curled up with a good book.

Thirdly, it’s inevitable that Alex and Chantelle, or Alelle as we are now to call them, will be voted as celebrity parents of the year. Despite the fact the child was quite obviously just a PR stunt that they’ll end up dumping 6 months later, like the proverbial kitten in a sack.

Good luck Alex and Chantelle. May the fruit of your loins be every bit as charismatic and loveable as you are.

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Click over for our stupid Celebrity Big Brother Liveblog! Keep hitting refresh because we’re idiots who can’t work things out! HURRAY! Things kick-off around 9pm when the hard liquor kicks in!

Right. That’s it. Big thanks to Kris for manning the twitter account. Follow hecklerspray and Kris’ personal account, as well as Editor Mof for more BB bile. We’re done here. Thanks to the 4 people who read along. We love to haaaate yoooou…

10.25pm Diva = Repeatedly saying the phrase ‘Welcome Pack’. For fuck’s sake.

10.23pm Fuck a duck indeed. Housemate given secret task on first night. How tedious.

10.22pm “It smells like brand new carpets.” Katona there, talk about her vagina.

10.21pm HERE COMES THE TWIST! WACO! WACO! WACO!

10.20pm When do those fuckers from HolyMoly (they’re owned by the same company as BB these days while we’re owned by chippy in Hull) come on telly? We want to seethe with jealousy at them, manifesting as undiluted hate.

10.18pm Our Kris is still gallantly manning the twitter feed despite being so drunk that he’s made George Best’s ghost cry.

10.16pm A Big Brother twist? They’re going to recreate Waco and get the FBI to set it on fire with everyone in while Charlton Heston shouts at them pretending to be God Almighty?

10.15pm Tiger coat. Panda shoes. Is it an endangered ensemble?

10.14pm We were going to make a joke about Jedward losing their virginity, but they’ve invariably already lost it. To each other.

10.12pm Just wait ’til Big Brother splits these little odious turds up. You know damn well it’s going to happen. There’ll be tears.

10.11pm There you go! NEW HOUSEMATE! SIAMESE TWINS, JEDWARD!

10.10pm Bobby Sabel. So famous that a) He doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. b) Tara didn’t tell him the door story.

10.08pm GO ON BRIAN! GET HIM WANKED!

10.07pm Bobby Sabel? NEW HOUSEMATE WHO WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF! Oh put your knickers back on you disgusting perverts.

10.06pm Has Paddy been arrested for punching all of Tara Reid’s teeth out?

10.04pm “A panicked runner just discovered all of Tara Reid’s consonants in her dressing room” says Laurence on Twitter

10.01pm Two more? That’d be Jedward then? Oh god, we hope so. Imagine. Imagine Tara Reid‘s stroke face trying to compute those little bastards. She’ll think it’s like a Dr Seuss book has come to life! She’ll sleep with her eyes open as a result. Jedward will break her. Then spitroast her.

10pm How many more of these divs have we got to go in?

9.58pm How much polyfiller has been used on Mrs Hoff’s face since she did that interview?

9.57 NEW HOUSEMATE! PAMELA! IT’S PAMMY! No. Not Pamela Anderson! IT’S THE HOFF’S WIFE! NO! WE’VE NEVER SEEN HER EVER EITHER! AND WE’RE PAID TO PAY ATTENTION TO THESE NO MARKS!

9.56 To be nice for once, Brian Dowling looks like he’s been doing this for years doesn’t he? The Mint trained him well.

9.54 On Twitter, Kris points out this out at  Lucian Thundercunt “David Beckham gave me the inspiration to be an actor.” You DO know he’s a footballer, right?”

9.52 Lucian Laviscount. That’s who it is. We all know now don’t we? Nope. Either way, he will absolutely end up rubbing his long, thin penis up the back of Amy Childs while she sleeps.

9.50pm A NEW HOUSEMATE! IT’S LUCIAN LOVINGCUNT OR SOMETHING!

9.49pm THOSE MASSIVE LEGS AGAIN!

9.46pm Sorry. What in fuck’s name is the new Haribo commercial about? Someone should be taken to a public square and flogged to death for that. No, sod that. Everyone involved – including the children – should be whipped with bike chains.

9.44pm It’s going to be great when half of this lot fall off the wagon. Sadly, no-one will be watching by this point. Oh well.

9.42pm “I’m going to stir it up a bit” or, as it’s know, get picked on by younger, more spiteful minor celebrities.

9.40pm NEW HOUSEMATE – SALLY BERCOW (us neither)

9.38pm The look of terror on Amy Childs’ face on seeing Lyons is brilliant. She knows he’s got her over a barrel. Who’s she been humping? (Who hasn’t she been shagging etc)

9.36pm Hopefully, Mr Paparazzi will have some amazing shit on everyone. Hopefully, Five will have the nuts to actually air it. And listen to the boos from the very people who line his bastard pockets. Stupid piss cloths.

9.35pm NEW HOUSEMATE ALERT! DARREN LYONS! HE’S A MASSIVE TWAT!

9.33pm “it appears that she’s [Tara Reid] speechless with rage. Or is that the tranquilizers?” says ‘sprays number one fan Alexandra

9.31pm What are the odds of a sexual assault having already taken place in the BB House? Too far?

9.30pm “Trust Amy Childs to be the only person in the UK who knows who Paddy is without being told” says our Kris on twitter. He’s actually doing really well for someone who is watching a football match at the same time.

9.26pm Look at this fucking gargoyle. YOU. You created her. Not us. YOU. You bastards.

9.25pm ANOTHER STINKING HOUSEMATE – AMY FROM THE ONLY WAY IS ESSEX

9.25pm “A note to the police. Paddy Doherty is now of a fixed abode. You know what to do.” says our twitter account

9.21pm OOOOH! Paddy Doherty! We see now. He won’t last long, unless he knocks someone out. Which he will. Then he’ll cry like a big bitch. Do travellers even have landlines so they can vote for him?

9.20pm NEW HOUSEMATE – Mthmnem Nmmnamnth

9.15pm Okay. So we know that the immense git that is Mr Paparazzi will be going in with his stupid pink hair and face like a withered ankle. But Baywatch star? It won’t be Pamela Anderson. Erika Elenak (or whatever she’s called) surely? Jedward are, of course, in the house. We told you that yesterday.

9.14pm Nice to see Tara and Kerry getting on with each other. NOT (possibly not the last Wayne’s World joke we’ll make here)

9.13pm Jesus. Tara Reid is about as warm as Robert Pattinson‘s cock in an ice-pop.

9.11pm Didn’t Tara Reid just get married? What a shitty honeymoon if so. A fellow viewer is already hoping to see “her weird boobs”.

9.10pm SECOND HOUSEMATE – TARA REID

9.08pm Over at our twitter account, it says: “As if she wasn’t annoying enough, she’s got Swagger Jagger as her entrance music. If she was a wrestler she’d be gone after a week.”

9.07pm Kerry Katona there, saying she’s shat herself. Great. This is going to be hugely jarring. And listen! It’s Swagger Jagger as well, just to rub shit-caked glass into our already open wound.

9.06pm FIRST HOUSEMATE – KERRY KATONA

9.05pm The Big Brother crowd there, cheering at furniture. The stupid dicks.

9.03pm Nice that Marcus Bentley got his job back. It really couldn’t be done by anyone else could it? Dowling is rather likeable too. That said, give us a couple of minutes and we’ll be spitting bile at him.

9pm Here we go! The prick factory turns its cogs again!

8.59pm WHAT WERE THOSE LEGS ABOUT?!

8.58pm *sings* She’s got Betty Davis’ chin…

8.57pm DON’T GET EXCITED! THAT’S A FUCKING ORDER! We’ve got a stupid news bulletin first.

8.52 Did anyone else see Dom Littlethingy on Through The Keyhole, mournfully talking about how desperately single he is and how he might move to New York? Yeah. Like the dating scene in NYC isn’t ferocious and keenly fought.

8.48pm New Cowboy Builders may have dramatic music, but we’re really, really not feeling it here. Dom Littlewhatsit is about as frightening as a kitten being kissed by a butterfly.

8.46 Okay. Now we’ve turned over. New Cowboy Builders eh? Five are really spoiling us tonight aren’t they? Still, nice of Brian Dowling to show up in the adbreak and get cut off before he’s finished speaking. It’s just like Channel 4, eh?

8.44pm We’re not actually watching Five yet. We’re on a channel called Really (yes, really) and there’s people making haircuts that look like bikes, carousels and dollhouses. Honestly. It’s like taking the worst drugs ever.

8.42pm Are you following us on twitter? Our giant Indian man, Kris, is manning the account and he’s a vile, vile human guaranteed to get us in trouble with the law at some point this evening. Click here to follow us.

8pm Well, you’re eager aren’t you? What on Earth could you want from us now?

Big Brother is back in a week’s time and some people (notably the people who work for Channel Five and Holy Moly) are getting very, very excited! However, all is not well at the BB house as our exclusive pictures show!

Pictures have been released of the new Big Brother house and many have cooed about how glamorous it looks (with others shrugging and thinking that it kinda looks like any other BB House).

However, what Endemol, makers of the show, aren’t telling anyone is that the show is danger of being cancelled after it was found that the Elstree studio has been infested with weasels!

Alongside the bright living room, modern furniture and spiral staircase, producers found that the first housemates through the door were a family of weasels.

While experts try to decide whether or not the squatters are pine martens (which are protected, unlike weasels who it’s rumoured will be killed ‘without prejudice’ by former BBer Makosi with her bare hands), producers of the show are weighing up hiring the scavengers as potential housemates.

A source told hecklerspray:

“These creatures are posing a big problem for the producers. On one hand, they quite like the idea of sending in someone like Kerry Katona or Jedward to live side-by-side with the animals. It’ll be Big Brother meets Springwatch. However, they’re worried that viewers won’t be thrilled at the idea of having this disgusting, brainless vermin ruining the reputation of a perfectly nice woodland creature.”

Celebrity Big Brother begins on Thursday, August 18 at 9pm on Five, and here are our exclusive, absolutely real photos of the weasels in residence inside the Big Brother house.

This is all 100% true and, in unrelated news, next week we’ll be advertising for someone who is half decent at photoshop.

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It’s been a roller-coaster week, what with red-top tabloids revealing that Charlie Sheen is DEFINITELY going into the Big Brother house only for his reps to categorically deny it and the papers going all quiet only to reveal that Pamela Anderson is DEFINITELY going in only for her reps to probably deny it as of this morning as well.

Well, we can all play that game and hecklerspray can exclusively announce the full list of within-Channel-Five-budget celebrities who are DEFINITELY going into the awful Big Brother house this year!

Although we might go a bit quiet tomorrow.

So.

Here we go then.

Here’s the exclusive list of contestants leaked by ‘a source’ who may work at Endemol. Or Five. Or not. We don’t have to say. They’re simply ‘a source’ and you have to trust them…

…right?

Here are the contestants for Celebrity Big Brother 2011:

1. Barry Scott, Cillit Bang enthusiast. Entirely fictional embittered bellower Barry is keen for a return to the limelight since the News of the World hacked his phone with the startling revelation that he was “more of a Cif man, myself” resulting in him being dropped from the lucrative advertising campaign.

2. Bob Carolgees, Alleged ‘Entertainer’. Following the mesmerising slo-mo nervous breakdown of Les Dennis, we have high hopes for the mental disintegration of another barely-heard-of light entertainer. Reports that glove-puppet/emotional crutch Spit the Dog also attending are unconfirmed.

3. Whigfield.

4. Lucy Robinson Off Of ‘Neighbours’. No, The Second One. Around about 1987, Lucy went away for a school trip or something, and came back two-foot taller with a different face and voice, thus alarming every viewer who was a pre-pubescent about to go on a school trip. Sasha Close is her name, possibly the palest Australian ever.

5. Andy Crane, Television ‘Personality’. The man whose life Phillip Schofield stole. Currently lingering on some God-forsaken local radio show in Manchester.

6. Terence Trent D’Arby, Prince-Lite. Terry is fully expected to break into an a capella version of ‘If You Let Me Stay’ each time he is put up for eviction in the most embarrassing manner possible.

7. Bruno Brooks, ex-D.J. You know those dreadful in-house ‘radio stations’ that play in your super-market? They’re his fault. Vote him out. Him and his gaspingly dreadful mullet.

8. The Mental Bloke Who Collects Glasses In My Local. Tolerated by the staff due to the free-of-charge labour.

9. Ace, worst Doctor Who assistant ever. Dreamt-up to make Sylvester McCoy look ‘hip’. She was called ‘Ace’. She wore a metal-plated baseball cap. Christ. Sophie Aldred’s career has never recovered.

10. Gaz Out Of Supergrass. Not content with musical mediocrity, unsuccessfully selling the Toyota Yaris or being turned-down for ‘background artist’ work on ‘Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes’, Gareth is now going to grate you with this as well.

The obligatory big-name American star has yet to be confirmed, but Scott Martin “Wassup” Brooks who played the coveted role of “Dookie” in the tiresome Budweiser advertisement – you know, the really ‘funny’ one that featured a load of nobodies saying “wassup” until you relented and just bought some BEER – is rumoured to be in the frame.

Distressingly, some or all of the above may turn out to be true. Bruiser de Cadenet has also been said to have been sniffing around the set. You have been warned.

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It’s not fair. The prospect of Channel 5’s Big Brother is now becoming dangerously real, and here is the most concrete proof of what is set to be a terrible, terrible Autumn. Any means of escape is effectively now void.

If you try and turn the channel over, all you will find is a botched version of Kelly Rowland clapping along to a burns victim in harem pants on X Factor instead.

As if Kelly hadn’t caused enough problems in the world, she allowed more hell to be released into the ether today, when an annoyingly large number of ex-housemates turned up on a field to sing an altered version of her song ‘When Love Takes Over’, to ‘When Bruv Takes Over’ for the new C5 trailer. It’s not fair.

Yet it was less than a year ago, where Nikki Grahame and co. were vacuum-packed into funeral outfits and gathered to mourn the death of Big Brother on a presumably better funded Channel 4 advert. Yet now she’s on Channel 5 – holding hands with a lesbian, like it’s the most natural thing in the world (anyone who says it is perfectly natural, ask yourself this: Have you ever seen a lesbian with hands? Didn’t think so).

So what now, they’re all just back? Back and apparently relevant to someone or other in the warped parallel universe? That’s not just slightly bad continuity, that’s Fast and the Furious bad continuity.

In a nutshell, the trailer basically features many people you simply didn’t want to see again,  marching down corridors wildly grinning at the cameras, fondling their orifices, like the good old days.

Some of the more interesting moments involve Chantelle and Alex Reid inserting their hands up each others rectums, (just in case you didn’t know they were a couple now) Kemal with the most beautiful set of breasts you’re ever likely to see on a human man, Mutya Buena, Eugene the Crying Virgin, Alex, the one that appeared on the Domestos adverts for a while (AND ALSO HIT AND KILLED A MAN IN HIS CAR ONCE, FACT FANS) and Ahmed, who is a man that once stood in a garden on National Television – screaming and throwing plates at people until he was forcibly removed from the building.

Just when you thought that you couldn’t be sobbing into your own, pruned, swollen skin quite hard enough, H FROM STEPS turns up to join in the action, striding alongside Michelle Bass like it’s bloody CD:UK or something.

So there it is. Big Brother is officially back whilst Fort Boyard lies dead, abandoned, and curdling in the corner. Justice is no longer a word.

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Basshunter, the lovable dance DJ behind such songs as ‘Now You’re Gone’ and… erm…  that other one he did, which seem designed to make your brain bleed with hate, has appeared in court in Kircaldy to deny two allegations of sexual assault.

That’s right, the man who followed Ronnie Wood’s former missus, Ekaterina Ivanova, around like a little lost puppy with a somewhat creepy look in his eye is alleged to have sexually assaulted a couple of girls in a nightclub in Fife.

Maybe she was right to keep him at arms length, mind you if you’d been allegedly battered by your ex you’d probably try to keep strange men at more than an arms length, just to be on the safe side.

You can’t help but feel sorry for Basshunter though, real name Jonas Erik Altberg, mainly because he was playing a gig in Fife. We here at hecklerspray aren’t big fans of Swedish dance music, but we did think that after his appearance on Celebrity Big Brother Basshunter would announce a residency at the O2 to rival fellow alleged sexual predator Michael Jackson.

But no, apparently not even reality TV could save the Basshunter or the profile of loud and annoying Swedish dance tunes in the UK, forcing him to go to places like Fife to find an audience.

This may not sound that bad, but have you ever been to Fife? No? Well, don’t, that’s hecklerspray’s top tip for the week, don’t go to Fife, it’s frequented by gropey DJs for one.

Basshunter will have to return to Fife at some point in the near future, where he is to take part in an identity parade. We can only imagine how bizarre that line up is going to be. Is it number 1? Number 2? Number 3, the one from Big Brother with the funny voice? Number 3, can you please sing the lyrics to the 2007 number 1 hit Now You’re Gone for us please?

Unconfirmed reports have stated that the UK government had been after Basshunter for some time as the artwork for his hit single Now You’re Gone was made up of thousands of top secret emails from Gordon Brown, asking Tony if he was ready to stand down yet.

We’re all eagerly awaiting Jemima Khan’s campaign to free him from this persecution.

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There was another Celebrity Big Brother double eviction on Friday night, with Sisqo and Stephen Baldwin getting the chop.

Frankly we’re heartbroken. We had high hopes that Stephen Baldwin would end up winning Celebrity Big Brother. He was Celebrity Big Brother‘s Jedward. He could have gone on to release a cover of Ice Ice Baby with Vanilla Ice had he won. But no, you people made sure that would never happen. You idiots.

Still, this is the final week of Celebrity Big Brother and, like it or not, someone’s got to win. Let’s find out who it’ll be…

Nicola T – Look, let’s get this straight. Nicola T is never going to win Celebrity Big Brother. It’s never going to happen. She may have survived eviction this far, but that’s because she’s so unassuming and anonymous that people just can’t be bothered to vote for her. But now the tables are turned, and viewers are voting for who they want to win, so it goes without saying that they still won’t be able to raise the enthusiasm to vote for her. Still, despite being pointless and forgettable in the Celebrity Big Brother house, we’re sure that Nicola T will go on to forge a successful new career for herself after the show, maybe as a cloud of vapour or some dust or something.

Alex Reid – And Alex Reid isn’t going to win Celebrity Big Brother either. But for exactly the opposite reason that Nicola T won’t win. Alex Reid is such a pro-active berk, such a can-do bellend, such a hands-on clod of dimwitted scar tissue, that people will go out of their way not to vote for him this week. They might even vote for every single other Celebrity Big Brother housemate just to make sure that Alex Reid doesn’t win. He mustn’t win, either. Remember – vote Alex Reid, get Jordan. Yes, you’re right to look horrified.

Ivana Trump – Although Ivana Trump has been quick to blow her own trumpet since entering the Celebrity Big Brother house – she’s variously called herself ‘a successful businesswoman’, ‘an excellent mother’, ‘the inventor of water’, ‘the world’s first human being to be powered exclusively by turnips’ and ‘Zortang The Magnificent’ – it wasn’t until Friday’s eviction show that she actually earnt herself a tangible title. That’s right – from now on Ivana Trump’s main achievement will be that the British public consider her to be slightly less hateful than Stephen Baldwin. Impressive, Ivana. Impressive.

Basshunter - Poor Basshunter. He gambled early and he lost. Sure, starting up a Celebrity Big Brother romance is usually the fastest way to book an express ticket to victory, but Basshunter miscalculated. He started up a Celebrity Big Brother romance with a woman that everyone hated. And after Katia‘s early eviction, he’s done little other than wander around forlornly, like a puppy looking for a leg to hump. Let that be a lesson to you all – never try and have it off with Katia Ivanova. It always ends in tears.

Dane Bowers – Unless we’re wrong, Dane Bowers has played the perfect third-place game on Celebrity Big Brother. He entered the house, didn’t rock the boat, kept his head down, did his best to get on with everyone and – most importantly – didn’t use the show as an excuse to remind the world of his 2000 hit Buggin’. He won’t win Celebrity Big Brother, of course – that title’s generally reserved for people with actual personalities – but third place isn’t the end of the world. Look at all the other people who’ve gone on to achieve great things from coming third in Big Brother, like… um… oh. Never mind.

Stephanie Beacham – Until recently, we were convinced that Stephanie Beacham would end up winning Celebrity Big Brother. Now, though, we’re not so sure. And it’s all Stephen Baldwin’s fault. Before he left on Friday, he turned his Jesus beam onto Stephanie, and she’s spent the bulk of the time ever since blubbing like a ninny. It’s all bible this and holy spirit that with her now. That’s not a bad thing in itself – with any luck Stephen and Stephanie will get their own nightmarishly warped, wild-eyed Sunday morning worship show out of this – but it’s made the idea of being trapped in a life with her far less appealing.

Vinnie Jones – Right now Vinnie Jones is odds-on favourite to win Celebrity Big Brother, but that must never happen. Let Vinnie Jones win and you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain. The victory will go to his head. He’ll ditch his floundering Hollywood career and return to live in Britain. Then he’ll become the star of his own drama. It’ll probably be a Sunday teatime drama. He’ll probably be the new star of Stephen Fry‘s old show Kingdom. It’ll be a show about a Norfolk solicitor who pootles around in a posh car, nutting locals and grabbing them by the balls and calling them slags. It’ll be terrible. Don’t vote for Vinnie Jones, please.

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Celebrity Big Brother viewer, you have spoken. And it’s because of you that Heidi and Katia are no more.

Not literally no more, you understand – this is Celebrity Big Brother, not Jim’ll Fix It – but they’ve been evicted anyway. What’ll they do now that they’re free agents? Who knows – our guess is that Katia will try to sell lurid stories about Basshunter‘s penis and Heidi will continue to slowly and visibly melt like some kind of depressed snowman – but let’s forget about those idiots.

There are still all kinds of woeful dullards in the Celebrity Big Brother house, so let’s have a peek at them instead. Good idea? No? Well tough, we’re doing it anyway…

Nicola T – Oh Nicola T, we barely knew you. Admittedly that’s because you never really bothered to grow a personality, and as a result spending any amount of time in your company is like spending an eternity with a bucket of wallpaper paste, but it looks like your time is about to come to an end. Nicola T, you see, has been nominated for Celebrity Big Brother eviction and, unless something drastic happens, she’ll be the one who goes. Unless the Celebrity Big Brother viewers forget that she exists, of course. We do that a lot.

Lady Sovereign -Poor old Lady Sovereign. She may have survived one eviction, but the Celebrity Big Brother housemates seem determined to chew her up and spit her out – she’s already been nominated again. Why? Could it be that everyone is jealous of how grounded and funny Lady Sovereign is? Could it be that they can’t bring themselves to abbreviate her name to ‘Sov’, because they’re grown-up human beings? Or, as some have suggested, is it because eviction survival has gone to her head? That last one’s a little hard to believe – why anyone would get big-headed over the fact that about 12 lonely idiots disliked her slightly less than Heidi Fleiss is beyond us. Still, let’s keep Lady Sovereign in, because she’ll only go and record a duet with The Ordinary Boys if she leaves. That’s what people like her do, see.

Ivana Trump – Thank God that Ivana Trump wants to write a book about her Celebrity Big Brother experience, because how else would we know what it’s like to sit in a room and look slightly bored, huh? Anyway, in lieu of Ivana Trump doing anything interesting in the Celebrity Big Brother house, here’s a list of titles for that book: Here’s A Story About The Time I Had Less Exposure Than At Any Other Point In My Entire Life, Diary Of A Woman Who Spent Three Weeks Explaining How Successful She Is At Everything, I Went On A Show And Nothing Happened (Can I Talk About How Silly My Ex-Husband’s Hair Is Now?). That’s all we’ve got.

Dane Bowers - We could be wrong here, but Dane Bowers is looking more and more like a potential Celebrity Big Brother winner. What’s surprising about that is that he doesn’t seem like an especially pleasant person in real life. Yes, he was the charismatic one in that duet with Victoria Beckham, but a poo in a shoe would be the charismatic one in a duet with Victoria Beckham. Still, let’s not do him down – if Dane Bowers does win Celebrity Big Brother, then we should let him have his moment of happiness, the bulge-faced idiot.

Stephen Baldwin – Stephen Baldwin is still on Celebrity Big Brother, and this is obviously a mistake. Look at him, for crying out loud – American, berserk, oblivious to everything, finding a new fanbase in Britain. He’s David Gest, you morons. Keep him in the Celebrity Big Brother house much longer and he’ll decide to live here so that he can turn up on Celebrity Come Dine With Me with a couple of midgets and Mickey Rooney. Is that what you want? Is it, Celebrity Big Brother viewer? Well on your hands be it. Just don’t come running to us when it all goes wrong.

Stephanie Beacham – All of this year’s Celebrity Big Brother housemates have managed to live up to their public image quite well so far. For instance, Alex Reid is a berk, Nicola T is nice but dull and Stephen Baldwin is the stupidest man alive. However, having said that, Stephanie Beacham has spent the last few weeks being more like Stephanie Beacham than anyone could have ever hoped. Right from the moment that she started complaining about the poor quality of the bedsheets, she’s been a treasure – and, if anything, she’s only got worse. Part of us wants to keep Stephanie Beacham in the Celebrity Big Brother house until the end to see if she can complete her transformation into Lucille Bluth from Arrested Development. But the other, more sensible, part knows that starting to care about who wins Celebrity Big Brother is the beginning of the end for any sensible human being.

Alex Reid – At the time of writing, it would appear that an online debate is raging over whether or not Alex Reid is attractive. To be fair, the current consensus seems to be – quite rightly – that Alex Reid is a potato-headed moron with a body that looks like the result of a peanut allergy and even less self-awareness than his sort-of girlfriend; a fact which, considering that she once auditioned for Eurovision and had sex with Dane Bowers, is really saying something. But it’s not a completely one-sided debate, though – some people really do think that Alex Reid is a catch. And by ‘some people’ we mean ‘probably his mum’. What’s this got to do with Celebrity Big Brother? Not a lot. We just like taking the piss out of Alex Reid. And so do you, if you’re honest.

Vinnie Jones – If reports are to be believed, then Vinnie Jones is only doing Celebrity Big Brother to pay off a gigantic tax bill. But you know what? We’re not convinced. No, we think that – having made such films as EuroTrip, The Midnight Meat Train and Hell Ride - Vinnie Jones is simply using this excuse to spend a few weeks trapped in a mirror-filled box with the most awful Baldwin brother and a man who actually calls himself Basshunter as intellectual stimulation. It’s clearly the most intelligent thing he’s done in years, maybe even his life. And we mean that in a positive way, too, if it means that Vinnie Jones won’t violently assault us for saying it.

Basshunter – Our hearts were bleeding for Basshunter this weekend. His beloved Katia – the object of his ever-lasting affection – has been evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house. Still, Basshunter didn’t get to be Basshunter by being an emotional wimp – which is why we’ve calculated that he’s just hours away from trying to feel up Nicola T. And then, if she gets evicted before him, just a few hours from feeling up Lady Sovereign. And then Stephanie Beacham. And then Ivana Trump. And then, probably, the Baldwin chap. And so on, until Basshunter is left as the final person left in the Celebrity Big Brother house, at which point he’ll just masturbate into a mirror as many times as he can before he’s asked to leave. And so it has been foretold.

Sisqo - We have been informed that Sisqo is still part of Celebrity Big Brother. We had to check, because it’s not like he does very much, is it?

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Oh thank God for that. This time last week it looked as if Celebrity Big Brother had got its mojo back.

It hadn’t, of course. Now it’s clear that the closest thing to a celebrity in the Celebrity Big Brother this year is a woman who was on Coronation Street for a short amount of time a year ago, the audience has fallen away again, with people only tuning in out of a mixture of snow-induced tedium and profound self-loathing.

However, Celebrity Big Brother is still going – with Heidi Fleiss, Katia Ivanova and Lady Sovereign first up for eviction – so we’d better see how all the housemates are doing, right? Hooray for everything…

Katia & Basshunter – We’ll start with these two, and we’ll lump them in together because they’re providing the bulk of Celebrity Big Brother‘s narrative drive this year with their tedious pretend romance. You might be forgiven for skipping the rest of this paragraph because history has imprinted the next few steps into your mind several times over – Katia and Basshunter will leave the Celebrity Big Brother house, do a couple of magazine spreads together, try to get a reality TV show, fail and then split up when everyone loses interest – but wait. There’s a problem. What do we call Katia and Basshunter? We can’t call them Kasshunter, because that makes them sound like a detective from a shit book, and we can’t call them Batia because that sounds like ‘Batter ya’ which sounds a little insensitive coming so soon after Ronnie Wood was arrested on suspicion of attacking Katia in the street. Oh bollocks to it. Batia it is.

Nicola T – Unless we’re wrong, Nicola T seems to be using Celebrity Big Brother to show that she’s just an ordinary everywoman. And she is, too – Nicola T is just like you. You know, like the way that you spent a good portion of your life posing topless in newspapers before flitting between footballers and becoming mired in debt as your fame started to fall away. You’re basically identical. Aside from this, Nicola seems to be playing the Lucy Pinder card in the Celebrity Big Brother house – she’s an unstoppable dullard, but at least she’s got boobs.

Alex Reid – OK, admit it – who here was surprised when they realised that Alex Reid could speak in full sentences? We know we were. After reading everything about him – from his cagefighting to his stint on Hollyoaks to his cross-dressing to his dalliance with Jordan – we’d become convinced that he’d literally be so braindead that he’d only be able to communicate with a series of rudimentary grunts and gestures. But, no, Celebrity Big Brother has proved once and for all that Alex Reid can speak in full sentences. True, they’re all crap sentences and Alex Reid is still a monumental self-regarding twonk, but you have to take what you can get.

Dane Bowers - This probably says more about the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates than it does about him, but Dane Bowers has emerged as the everyman of the series. You know – the decent, funny, self-deprecating one who’ll keep his head down and end up coming second. And this is Dane Bowers we’re talking about here. The one who filmed himself having it off with Jordan. The one who formed an under-achieving all-star boyband with the crap one from 911, the crap one from Steps, the crap one from New Kids On The Block and Bradley from S Club 7. The one who once tried to make a sitcom about himself called Bow To The Bowers. He’s the everyman? Him? We’re not sure what our point is here, but it’s probably something like ‘We hate everything’. That tends to be case quite often, doesn’t it?

Heidi Fleiss - Now, Heidi Fleiss might be a decent, friendly woman. Then again, she might not be. We just don’t know, because every time we see her on Celebrity Big Brother we’re too busy trying to work out what she looks like to listen to anything she says. Does she look like a picture of Pete Burns that’s been drawn on a pensioner’s scrotum? Does she look like a commemorative plastic plate of David Gest‘s face that’s been left on a car dashboard in the middle of the desert for a month? Does she look like the ghost of Steven Tyler? We just don’t know and, frankly, we could use a bit of help here.

Stephen Baldwin – We’ve decided that it’s time to dig up Heath Ledger‘s body and snatch that Oscar out of his hands. He didn’t deserve to win for his portrayal of The Joker – from watching Celebrity Big Brother it’s becoming increasingly clear that he just did a slightly toned-down impression of Stephen Baldwin and nothing more in The Dark Knight. It’s all there – the disquieting sing-song voice, the inability to speak without lolling his head around like an unrestrained maniac, the detached half-smile. Obviously Heath didn’t copy Stephen Baldwin completely – if he’d included all of Baldwin’s Jesus stuff then his performance would have been too terrifying for audiences to stomach at all.

Sisqo – So it turns out that Sisqo’s not quite as much of a billowing turdbucket as we thought he was, then. He’s actually quite sweet, as proved by his turn in the Celebrity Big Brother Hunk-Off where – forgetting that he’s basically a midget primarily famous for singing a song about some knickers – he fretted endlessly how an appearance in a mankini would affect his reputation “in the hood”. That said, Sisqo should really learn that his name needs a letter U in it. And until he does that, we’re afraid we can’t fully support him.

Lady Sovereign - Is Lady Sovereign going to win Celebrity Big Brother, then? At the moment, it sort of seems like she should. Unlike most of the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates – or at least the ones we’ve heard of – Lady Sovereign doesn’t appear to be an even more grotesque caricature of her public image. Quite the opposite, in fact. She’s slightly better spoken than she makes out, and not so much of a gurning chav, plus she actually seems like she thinks about things before doing them. Plus she did a song with The Ordinary Boys which… no, actually, you’re right. Lady Sovereign shouldn’t win Celebrity Big Brother at all, should she?

Stephanie Beacham - This is just a hunch, but we feel safe in predicting that Stephanie Beacham will easily come of Celebrity Big Brother as the nation’s favourite aristocratic gay man. He’s hilarious, sitting at the back of the house making waspy comments about everyone in his silly jewellery and funny wig and endless anecdotes about Joan Collins. We don’t know where he gets his material from, but this Stephanie Beacham guy is a hoot!

Vinnie Jones – It’s weird that the overriding response to Vinnie Jones entering the Celebrity Big Brother house was “Vinnie Jones? But he’s really famous!” Because he isn’t, you know. He really isn’t. He’s played a few almost-mute walnut-headed thugs in a few barely-watched films and he once grabbed Paul Gascoigne‘s testicles. That’s it. Look at his IMDb page. His last films were a violent DMX movie that nobody has seen and something called Legend Of The Bog. He’s hardly Johnny Depp, is he? Still, he seems like a nice enough chap and, yes, we’re only writing that to stop him from furiously biting our nose off when he gets out of the Celebrity Big Brother house.

Ivana Trump – And, hey, look, Ivana Trump’s the newest member of the Celebrity Big Brother family. And, although it might be too early to say, she actually seems quite lovely. Still, God knows what she’s doing on the show, though – she’s already successful, famous and so rich she could buy the Celebrity Big Brother house and tear it down. The last thing she needs to do is to go on a barely-watched reality TV show to listen to the crappest Baldwin brother yap on about Jesus like a bible-fixated toddler all the time. So why is she doing it? We don’t know. Maybe she’s just an idiot. Ever think of that, huh?

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Make no mistake about it, Celebrity Big Brother is brilliant. It’s like the exact opposite of normal Big Brother, in that one features everyday people with weird haircuts attempting to become famous, whilst this one features famous people attempting to convince the world that they are just like you and me.

Only they’re not. They’re nothing like you and me. For a start, we’re really nice. We have no reason to consume breakfast wearing shades. And we don’t look like we’ve spent eight or nine years going to the toilet in between paragraphs.

Anyway, it looks like becoming another fine year for the show, with Stephen Baldwin managing to steer every single conversation, no matter what the topic, around to his boring relationship with Jesus – who, by the way, he hasn’t even met. Heidi Fleiss has the look of a woman who might not wake up one morning. And Russian one and music man appear to be using some kind of skunk method to impress one another, using smells from their bottoms.

It’s exciting stuff. But will any of these beautiful maniacs ever be able to sit alongside the wonderful names listed below? That’s the question.

Vanessa Feltz, 2001

Before entering the BB house in 2001, no one was entirely sure who this woman was. She seemed a bit mumsy. Fast forward exactly four days, and she was the mental one on Big Brother. The one who stood menacingly in a pair of sunglasses writing words like “shit”, “I’m frightened”, and “oh bollocks” on a coffee table. Or something like that.

Les Dennis, 2002

Everyone loved Les Dennis, mainly because he was an outstanding impressionist. He could do anything from an Australian man to Frank Spencer. Seriously, he was that good. If you closed your eyes and asked Les to do some impersonations, he could honestly make you feel like you were in a room with about three or four other people. Not just Les. He spent his time in the house explaining his marital issues to chickens.

John McCririck, 2005

Only men with gambling problems who smoke stubby cigarettes through a thumb-and-forefinger pincer had ever heard of John McCririck before 2005. He was the horse racing guy who dressed like Sherlock Holmes in a rap video. Now we all know him, mainly as the man who wore big pants, ate his own snot, and casually degraded his wife whilst on live television.

Bez, 2005

Bez had never had it so good as when he won Celebrity Big Brother in 2005, beating off stiff competition from the one who rapped in that group, and the one who was an actor, or an actress or something. Before entering the house, he looked exactly like the kind of man who would ask you for a quid.

Pete Burns, 2006

Before Pete Burns, it’s fair to say that most men in the military/prison had never before looked at a man and become quite so sexually aroused. That’s because, for a man, Pete Burns was a beautiful beautiful woman. Those plump lips, those flowing locks, those small knickers housing a real-life gentleman’s penis. He made talking very slowly about how disgusting he found other human beings his trademark.

Chantelle Houghton, 2006

Hilariously, before 2006’s edition, the big throbbing brains behind CBB decided to throw in someone who wasn’t actually a celebrity to confuse the other celebrities! Sweet Baby Jane, you should have seen their faces when they found out! They were GOBSMACKED. And probably slightly hurt. Anyway, Chantelle lived every young girls dream by hooking up with a rock star. She went on to complete the dream by marrying him, then divorcing him, and she now has sex with footballers. Presumably.

Leo Sayer, 2007

Sadly, in 2007, Leo Sayer’s cameo on the show was rather overshadowed by everyone becoming really racist during an argument. Before that, he was mesmerising, particularly when he stormed out of the house and started pushing the bouncers around, because he’d just that minute run out of underpants and felt very livid about it.

Terry Christian, 2009

The last outing featured a few cracking ones. Particularly good was Verne Troyer – the man who hammered home the point that Hollywood stars really are shorter in real life. But the pick of the bunch was Terry Christian, who managed to morph from being the annoying presenter from The Word into something really quite wonderful.

This was a guest blog by Josh Burt from Interestment, and so say all of us

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