Are we sad because we don’t know what we’ll do with our lives once it’s finished? No, we’re sad because – unless a flaming airship containing nothing but elephants and naked go-go dancers crashes into the house within the next 12 hours – this will go down in history as the dullest-ever Celebrity Big Brother. That’s right, even duller than the one Anthea Turner did.

But still, let’s see out Celebrity Big Brother by looking at the chances of winning for Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Ulrika Jonsson – People of Britain, you’ve had so many chances to vote out Ulrika Jonsson over the last three weeks of Celebrity Big Brother, and the fact that you haven’t evicted her warms our heart so much. We suspect that, like us, you love watching Ulrika’s obvious anguish every time someone else is evicted ahead of her. She wants out of the Celebrity Big Brother house so bad, and you just won’t let her. So tonight, let’s keep Ulrika Jonsson in the house as long as possible. Deal? Good. Obviously when we say ‘as long as possible’ we mean ’second place at best’. We can’t have Ulrika win Celebrity Big Brother, you understand. We don’t want to give her the wrong idea.

Verne Troyer – Verne Troyer had plenty of reasons to win Celebrity Big Brother from the get-go, because he’s disabled in a way that makes him amusing to look at, but this week Verne has gone above and beyond in his quest to win the show. He’s been shitfaced on boozed, cracked on to Michael Jackson’s sister, sworn as angrily and as loudly as possible at every opportunity and, let’s not forget, he kissed a baby dolly with tongues. If Verne Troyer doesn’t win Celebrity Big Brother, we’ll eat our hat. And then we’ll eat your hat. And then we’ll probably do a very hatty poo.

Next week: Dancing On Bastard Ice.

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Well, there was a double eviction on Celebrity Big Brother, yesterday with LaToya Jackson and Tommy Sheridan getting the chop because nobody likes them. Or because nobody realised they existed, in Tommy Sheridan’s case. Either way, they’ve gone. Please let it affect your life accordingly.

So, with a clear run to Friday’s final, who’s going to win Celebrity Big Brother? Here’s our take on the matter, for Terry Christian…

Terry Christian – Is it just us, or has Terry Christian physically aged since he entered the Celebrity Big Brother house. Three weeks ago he was impish and fun, and now he spends all his time wondering why winters aren’t as cold as they were when he was a lad. It’s something Terry needs to keep an eye on if he wants to win Celebrity Big Brother. The public don’t vote for bores, you see. Except for that boring woman who won Big Brother last year. And that ginger politician chap. And Anthony. And… oh, come to think of it, Terry Christian’s probably doing alright, actually.

Tomorrow: Celebrity Big Brother final day looks at Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer, who’s obviously going to win it anyway so we don’t know why we’re even bothering.

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And that leaves just one question – will anyone actually notice when it’s finished? Oh, and one slightly less important question – who’s going to win Celebrity Big Brother. Left are Ben, Coolio, LaToya, Terry, Tommy, Ulrika and Verne and, as sad as it makes us, one of them has to win it.

So the rest of the week will be spent evaluating the chances of the Celebrity Big Brother housemates, starting today with Ben Adams, Coolio and LaToya Jackson…

Ben Adams – We can’t make this any clearer than we already have. Ben Adams must not win Celebrity Big Brother. He just mustn’t. Not only has the one thing that kept him fractionally interesting – his weird semi-flirtation with the Liberty X dimwit – come to an end, but just imagine if he won Celebrity Big Brother. Imagine it. What would his inevitable autobiography look like? We’ll tell you what – it’d be a crayon drawing of his hair and then 350 blank pages. if Ben Adams was any more boring, he’d actually vanish. Just like the other three members of A1. Don’t vote for Ben Adams, please. We’re being serious here.

Coolio – One of the most bewildering things about this series of Celebrity Big Brother – other than the fact that people still apparently watch it – is that Coolio was never placed up for eviction despite being almost universally loathed by his fellow housemates. And because of this, it’s difficult to gauge the public’s reaction to him. Do they hate Coolio? Have they taken him to their hearts for the way he kept making Michelle Heaton cry all the time? Are they all going to start cutting slits in the top of their hats to let their silly haircuts through? We’ll find out on Friday. Unless we go out. We’ll probably go out.

LaToya Jackson – LaToya Jackson probably won’t win Celebrity Big Brother, based on the sole fact that she hasn’t actually done anything. But in true Jackson tradition we’re sure she’ll end up doing well. Admittedly, LaToya hasn’t faced the weird racist barrage that her brother Jermaine was put through on the show two years ago but, nevertheless, her escapades with the chillis this week should have made her a fan favourite. Now, whenever anyone starts crying and chanting “It doesn’t hurt” to themselves like an idiot for any reason, they’re bound to think of LaToya Jackson. Truly that is her gift to the world.

Tomorrow: The Celebrity Big Brother chances of Terry Christian and Tommy Sheridan.

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On Friday Tina was evicted and Mutya walked out, and then yesterday a surprise eviction took place, with Michelle Heaton getting the chop. So that’s the last of her crying we’ll hear, except for in every single magazine we’ll read for the next 18 months. Joy.

But where does this leave the other housemates? Here’s our Celebrity Big Brother look at Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Terry Christian – We don’t know about you, but we wouldn’t bet against Terry Christian coming second in this year’s Celebrity Big Brother. He’s funny, he’s open-minded, he’s everyone’s friend and he’s got a nice line in neat self-deprecation. In fact, we’d probably say that Terry was a contender to win Celebrity Big Brother, or at least he would be if he was a horny shitfaced munchkin. But he’s not, so second-place it is. Anyway, Terry has spent the last few days hinting at the fact that Celebrity Big Brother is ‘a breeze’ compared to the stresses he’s suffered over the last six months in the outside world. We don’t know what these stresses are, but if they’re worse than being trapped in a mirror-filled box with the shit one from Liberty X, he has our deepest sympathies.

Tommy Sheridan – We’re thinking about starting a campaign to get Tommy Sheridan voted in as prime minister once Celebrity Big Brother finishes. Who better to fight away the credit crunch than a burly, balding man in the middle of a painfully awkward mid-life crisis who gets his chest out at the drop of a hat, is hopeless at just about everything he’s asked to do and isn’t averse to standing around in bathrooms doing weights in his pants? Nobody, that’s who. We want Tommy Sheridan to win Celebrity Big Brother, and then we want him to become our dad. Our estranged dad, obviously. Because, come on, he’s clearly a cock.

Ulrika Jonsson – Two thirds of the way through Celebrity Big Brother and we’re still completely unable to work out what the show will do for Ulrika Jonsson’s reputation. Onscreen she comes off as decent enough – forthright about her past mistakes when she needs to be and quick to jump to the defence of others when she feels they’re being slighted – but she’s always being nominated for eviction. Why is this? Is she an arsehole when we’re not looking? Are we missing something? Either way, we hope that Ulrika comes out of Celebrity Big Brother better off than she went in. Because, seriously, if she’s reduced to making another one of those documentaries about how she’s a sex addict, we’re probably going to vomit.

Verne Troyer – Look, let’s just do the decent thing and end Celebrity Big Brother now, shall we? Verne Troyer is obviously going to win. He was obviously going to win from the moment he entered the house – thanks to the weird mixture of pity and flat-out hilarity he inspires in people – but after this week’s drunkenness, it’s pretty much a done deal. If you missed it, Verne brazenly chatted up LaToya Jackson, told Ben Adams that he liked his eyebrows and then smashed into the Diary Room door with his mobility scooter as fast as he possibly could. If that’s not a textbook way to win a reality TV show, we’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

Tomorrow: More Celebrity Big Brother nonsense than you can stand. Which, we suspect, isn’t a lot.

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On Friday, Tina Malone was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house – which, hooray, gave her another chance to bleat on about herself – and she was swiftly followed by Mutya, who suddenly decided that living with Coolio was rubbish and walked out. And either Ulrika or Coolio is being booted out tonight, too. See? Exciting! Sort of.

But what about the remaining Celebrity Big Brother housemates? Let’s find out, with our weekly look at Ben Adams, Coolio, LaToya Jackson and Michelle Heaton…

Ben Adams – So another week has passed in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and the number of noteworthy things that Ben Adams has done still stands at a resounding zero. Honestly, we’re beginning to think that the real Ben died several years ago and he was replaced by a paper mache mannequin of a barbershop model, because surely nobody can be that utterly free of charisma, can they? Actually, we’re just assuming that Ben is still part of Celebrity Big Brother. He might have done a Mutya too, but nobody has noticed yet. We just don’t know.

Coolio – This year’s Celebrity Big Brother looks set to become the most incident-free series in the show’s entire season, and the only person doing anything to battle against that at the moment is Coolio. He’s the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate objectionable enough to prompt a walk-out so far, which at least puts him on a par with Jade Goody’s one-armed lesbian mother, and he’s reduced Michelle Heaton to tears. Admittedly that’s not an especially hard thing to do – we get the feeling that an angry-looking plantpot could probably do the same – but at least Coolio’s trying. And for that he deserves, we dunno, something.

LaToya Jackson – Not the greatest proponent of emotion the world has ever seen, LaToya Jackson has at least displayed some signs of humanity over the last week in the Celebrity Big Brother house. Well, OK, maybe not humanity as such, but whatever you call it when a midget is drunkenly trying to come on to you and he won’t shut up and it gets a bit awkward and you visibly start scanning the room for exits. LaToya Jackson has been showing signs of that lately. Which is just as well, because she’s done arse-all else.

Michelle Heaton – OK, we’ll come out and say it. We don’t think that Michelle Heaton will be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother this year. That’s not to say that we think she’s going to win, you understand, but rather if she keeps crying at the absurd rate that she has been over the last seven days she’ll become so dehydrated that the only way she’ll be removed from the Celebrity Big Brother is with a dustpan and brush. But apart from crying relentlessly like the worst kind of idiot, Michelle Heaton has, um, no. No, actually, that’s pretty much everything. Why wasn’t she evicted on Friday? We hate the public sometimes, we really do.

Tomorrow: we look at Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer. Unless one of them gets kicked out, of course. And, you, fingers crossed.

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Ulrika, Michelle, Mutya and Tina are all facing the chop tonight, which some say proves that the housemates this year are all misogynists. Not so, we say, because LaToya Jackson wasn’t nominated. Unless you count LaToya Jackson as a sort of half-robot, half-reptile, half-ghost hybrid, that is. Which we do. We’re not sure what our point is here.

Anyway, we’ve looked at Mutya, Ulrika and Tina, so here’s what we think of Michelle Heaton’s chances. Ready?

Michelle Heaton – Either Michelle Heaton is the victim of a malicious campaign by the Celebrity Big Brother producers to constantly show her in a negative light or she really is like that all the time. We’re praying it’s the former, because we genuinely don’t want to believe that a human being can be as weepy and pointless and emotionally manipulative as she is. Also, we’ve seen how much Michelle Heaton’s face swells up when she cries, so we’re pretty sure she can’t cry all the time – if she did her face would balloon up and probably explode in a puffy, annoying mess. Michelle Heaton is an awful person, plus her eyebrows look funny, plus she can’t decide which accent she wants. For these reasons we’d quite like her to be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother tonight. Thanks.

Next week: Even more Celebrity Big Brother claptrap.

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Well, we say either way. It’s unlikely to go the way we want it to go, which involves Mutya, Michelle, Tina and Ulrika all being evicted and the remaining housemates being set on fire. But, within the parameters of the law, the Celebrity Big Brother eviction could go either way.

Yesterday we looked at the eviction chances of Mutya and Ulrika, and today we’re going to have a butchers at Tina Malone. Excited? Good.

Tina Malone – There’s a very good reason why Tina Malone got more nominations that anyone else this week, even more than Coolio. And that reason, like you need to be told, is that Tina Malone is an exceptional arsehole. Loud, lacking any visible signs of self-awareness – instead she seems to possess awareness of a sort of supermodel version of Oscar Wilde – and so professionally Scouse that we keep involuntarily checking our pockets every time she’s on screen, Tina Malone is one of Celebrity Big Brother’s biggest irritants. An eviction tomorrow night would shock her more than any of the housemates, but let’s be honest. If the Liverpudlian territorial pride is enough to get terrifying ventriloquist’s dummy Ray Quinn through to the X Factor final, it’s easily enough to breeze Tina Malone through this first eviction nomination. More’s the pity. She really does seem like a turd.

Tomorrow: Michelle Heaton.

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Instead, Ulrika Jonsson, Tina Malone, Michelle Heaton and Mutya all gained the most amount of nominations from their fellow housemates. Who goes? You decide. Or rather a bunch of crosseyed numbskulls who think that voting for Celebrity Big Brother evictions is a constructive recreational activity will decide. Or something.

So for the rest of the week we’ll be looking at the prospective Celebrity Big Brother evictees, starting with Mutya and Ulrika…

Mutya – We’ll admit to being a teensy bit surprised that Mutya has been placed up for Celebrity Big Brother eviction when, say, Coolio hasn’t. Of course, the message here is perfectly clear – if you want to be a shrieking, attention-seeking bellend who routinely makes cracks about beating up women, that’s fine. But if you want to be a decent-seeming popstar whose only crime appears to be displaying a keen sense of personal dignity? Ugh! Get out! Get out you disgusting witch! But maybe Mutya’s self-assurance is to blame here – after all, in that song of hers she did say “I know ezzakly who I am.” Maybe that’s why she’s been nominated for eviction from the Celebrity Big Brother house – constant mispronunciation of the word ‘exactly’. The massive bitch.

Ulrika Jonsson – This has got to sting for Ulrika Jonsson. Two weeks in the Celebrity Big Brother house, and two weeks of eviction nomination. It’s almost like society frowns on obnoxious self-righteous former ladettes with four kids by four men, isn’t it? Weird. Anyway, judging by the smattering of halfhearted cheers that Ulrika got during last week’s eviction, we would bet against her leaving the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday. Well, we wouldn’t if it wasn’t for our suspicion that Big Brother is still going to bring Nancy Dell’Olio in soon, which means we can expect three days of extremely positive Ulrika coverage so the plot isn’t blown. Then again, Tina Malone is also up for eviction, and Big Brother would have to make Ulrika look like a baby murderer for her to look less popular in comparison, surely.

Tomorrow: Tina Malone.

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So who’ll be the unlucky housemates who’ll face the next Celebrity Big Brother? Well, Coolio. Obviously Coolio. What do we look like, idiots? Of course it’ll be Coolio. And probably one of the others who, we’re sad to admit, have all blended into one disgusting entity, a bit like the floating BBC Zardoz head that freaked everyone a couple of years ago.

Anyway, here’s part two of this week’s look at the Celebrity Big Brother housemates – for Terry Christian, Tina Malone, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer…

Terry Christian – Bollocks. We knew this would happen – Terry Christian has emerged as the down-to-earth voice of normality in this season of Celebrity Big Brother. And there we were hoping that he’d be the same old obnoxious bellend who goaded all those idiots into drinking their own vomit back in the early 1990s. Oh well. There’s not much else to say about Terry Christian, really, other than that he’d probably be the only Celebrity Big Brother housemate we’d be happy to go to the pub with. Well, apart from Coolio, but that’s only because he’d probably get beaten up after about two minutes in a normal British pub.

Tina Malone – It’s fair to say that Tina Malone is basically four dreadlocks and about six stone shy of being Collio’s identical twin, but the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates have yet to pick up on it. Both are frighteningly self-obsessed, both have voices that sound like the screeching aftermath of a motorway accident and both have, on occasion, flirted uncomfortably with Ulrika Jonsson. But the rest of the house seems totally obvious to this. Nobody’s even commented that Tina looks like the albino lovechild of Mo Mowlam and Gary Coleman yet. And that’s obvious, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Tommy Sheridan – If there was a Celebrity Big Brother god, we’d rush out into the streets and do a little celebratory dance to him for gifting us with Tommy Sheridan this year. Hands down, Tommy Sheridan is the find of Celebrity Big Brother 2009 – and the fact he’s agreed to do it while clearly in the deranged throes of a midlife crisis just makes it even sweeter. So far, as well as consistently failing to fool anyone into thinking that he’s not going bald, Tommy has convinced himself that Big Brother was engineering a romance between him and Michelle Heaton, dressed up as a pepperpot and failed to do a rudimentary dance to a Salt N Pepa song on ice with Michael Jackson’s sister and consistently adopted a toe-curling take on Ebonics whenever he’s had to talk to Coolio. Tommy Sheridan is obviously a genius, and we want him to win Celebrity Big Brother. And then, ideally, fall down a crack in the Earth and never be heard of again.

Ulrika Jonsson – Good. You didn’t evict Ulrika Jonsson from the Celebrity Big Brother house on Friday. Whether that was because the show was edited to make her look more favourable, or because she suddenly decided to tell endless sympathy stories about herself in the closing days of last week, or because you find her relatable on a human level or because – unlike Lucy Pinder – she may have had an original thought at some point in her life, it doesn’t matter. Because, by keeping Ulrika Jonsson on Celebrity Big Brother, you may have just started off one of television’s greatest emotional breakdowns. Pats on the back all round, everyone.

Verne Troyer – By the look of it, Verne Troyer’s already got Celebrity Big Brother all sewn up. He’s disabled, but he doesn’t use his disability as an excuse to act like a nobstand like blind Mikey or mad Pete. He speaks movingly about his dead friends. He seems almost cripplingly shy at times. He sings Lionel Richie songs like a bored goat calling for help from the bottom of a well. There’s literally nothing bad to say about Verne Troyer. And that’s why we can’t stand him.

Later this week: Celebrity Big Brother eviction shenanigans. Unless we die of boredom first, which is very possible.

Oh alright, the Celebrity Big Brother house hasn’t changed in the slightest since Lucy Pinder was evicted on Friday, mainly because the poor girl had all the charisma of a pebble. Honestly, we started hitting the side of our TV during Lucy’s eviction interview because we thought her weird droning voice was some sort of manufacturer’s defect.

But anyway, now that Lucy Pinder is gone, how are the other Celebrity Big Brother housemates holding up? Here’s our week two look at Ben Adams, Coolio, LaToya Jackson, Michelle Heaton and Mutya…

Ben Adams – All boyband members fulfill different roles – typically there’s a rough one, a gay one, one who can actually sing etc – and judging by Ben Adam’s time in the Celebrity Big Brother house so far, we’d guess that he probably wasn’t A1’s interesting one. As personable as he appears to be, there’s no mistaking the fact that Ben’s sole contribution to Celebrity Big Brother so far has been a slightly meandering anecdote about a girl he met who ordered some quite expensive things at a restaurant once. Fact – if Ben Adams leaves Celebrity Big Brother, nobody will notice he’s gone.

Coolio – Without question, Coolio has become Celebrity Big Brother’s most polarising figure, splitting the house into those who can’t stand the sight of him and those who really can’t stand the sight of him. Make no mistake, Coolio’s a dead cert to run away with the next round of eviction nominations, and then it’ll fall to the public to judge how popular he is. But Coolio can’t be all bad, can he? After all, he manage to bully Lucy Pinder into showing a flicker of emotion, and we’ve heard that’s pretty much impossible.

LaToya Jackson – Anyone hoping that LaToya Jackson would be identical to her silent, even-handed brother Jermaine in the Celebrity Big Brother house must be a little disappointed. It turns out that LaToya is a strange mixture of the manipulative, the conniving and the relentlessly downbeat – as evidenced by the weird naive little girl act she pulls whenever she wants something and all her whiny backstabbing to Coolio. At the moment, LaToya Jackson is easily the most underestimated Celebrity Big Brother contestant – something that’ll come back to haunt the other housemates when she stabs one of them to death in the sleep while cackling like a maniac. It’ll happen, kids.

Michelle Heaton - And if LaToya Jackson is the most underestimated Celebrity Big Brother housemate, then Michelle Heaton is easily the most overestimated. We all assumed that she’d be all paranoid and spiteful and attention-seeking, but she’s not. She’s not anything. When God was handing out personalities, he accidentally gave Michelle Heaton a vast bottomless quarry that nothing could ever escape from. Still, at least she’s got a pseudo-romance with Ben Adams going on, and that’s nice to watch because it’s clear that Ben is Michelle’s intellectual equal. Admittedly, most teacups are Michelle’s intellectual equal too, but have you ever tried having sex with a teacup? It’s really bloody hard.

Mutya – We’ll admit that we had Mutya all wrong. We were expecting a snarling, punchy ghetto girl prone to surliness and tantrums, but we haven’t seen that side of Mutya at all in the Celebrity Big Brother house so far. In fact, she’s been sort of nice. So maybe it wasn’t her who started all the fights in the Sugababes after all. It was Heidi! Let’s all go and burn her house down instead! But back to Celebrity Big Brother – Mutya’s got the inoffensive-and-quiet third place spot locked down. Mark our words.

Tomorrow: Our Celebrity Big Brother look at Tina Malone, Terry Christian, Tommy Sheridan, Ulrika Jonsson and Verne Troyer.

But the Celebrity Big Brother dream is going to end tonight for either Ulrika Jonsson or Lucy Pinder, after they were nominated for eviction for having a raging ego and all the talent of a shoebox respectively. One of them has to go, but who?

We looked at Lucy Pinder yesterday, so here’s Ulrika Jonsson’s chances of Celebrity Big Brother survival…

Ulrika Jonsson – Science dictates there are seven stages of grief, but watching Ulrika Jonsson discover that she’d been nominated for eviction from Celebrity Big Brother earlier this week makes us wonder if there aren’t about 150 stages instead. Ulrika ran the gamut from bitterness to weeping to paranoia to solitude to grim-faced excuse-making to forced acceptance to – most weirdly of all – crying because she said she’ll be sad if she’s not evicted. Importantly, none of these things make Ulrika Jonsson look in any way bearable as a human being, which probably doesn’t bode well for tonight’s Celebrity Big Brother.

But if Ulrika Jonsson does get evicted from Celebrity Big Brother tonight it’ll be a terrible mistake – watching the gradual deterioration of her mental state is much more fun than watching Lucy Pinder gawp into the middle-distance and pout for hours at a time. Plus, if Ulrika goes tonight it’ll really bugger up Celebrity Big Brother’s plans to bring in Ulrika’s arch-nemesis Nancy Dell’Olio and spark off the biggest catfight in all of history. So, readers, don’t vote for Ulrika Jonsson today. Or don’t vote for anyone. In retrospect that’s probably the best idea all round.

Next week: Another look at these Celebrity Big Brother bumchops.

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Facing the chop from Celebrity Big Brother tomorrow night are Lucy Pinder and Ulrika Jonsson – so a woman paid to get her boobs out in public and a woman paid to tell everyone about all the people she’s ever got her boobs out for in private. Exciting!

So who do we think will be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother tomorrow night? Let’s start by looking at the chances of Lucy Pinder, shall we?

Lucy Pinder – Lucy Pinder was put up for Celebrity Big Brother eviction after Terry Christian deemed her to be the least talented housemate. Which is fair, really, since Lucy’s talent show demonstration this week was so breathtakingly dull that we’re fairly sure we passed out three or four times during the course of it. Unwilling to demonstrate her only real talent – having knockers big enough to suffocate a buffalo with – Lucy’s Celebrity Big Brother display consisted of a) a verbal CV that even she appeared to be embarrassed by and b) a diatribe against the Labour party that couldn’t have been more vague or listless if it was spoken by a pensioner with ME who never bothered to learn what politics was.

Having said that, though, it doesn’t look like Lucy Pinder will be evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house tomorrow night for two reasons – firstly she hasn’t taken her top off yet and secondly she isn’t Ulrika Jonsson. That last one by itself would probably be enough to seal it, to be honest.

Tomorrow: will Ulrika Jonsson be evicted from Celebrity Big Brother? Well, yes. Probably.

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But we must have patience. Give it a week and everyone will be screaming hardcore racism into each other’s faces and/or dressing up in leotards and pretending to be cats in a way that will stop us from ever sleeping normally again. That would be good. Good or utterly nightmarish. One or the other.

Anyway, time to conclude our opening look at this year’s Celebrity Big Brother housemates, with expert looks at Tina Malone, Coolio, Michelle Heaton, Terry Christian and Ulrika Jonsson…

Tina Malone – If you’ve watched Brookside or Shameless, you’ll know who Tina Malone is. If you don’t, you’ll probably be terrified by the hulking great fat bipolar Scouser who roared her introduction on Friday’s Celebrity Big Brother. We don’t know much about Tina Malone, other than a) she constantly feels the need to tell anyone she meets that she’s fat despite it already being fairly obvious and b) before Celebrity Big Brother is out, she’ll have punched someone in the face. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jade Goody’s mum.

Coolio – One hit wonder turned godawful celebrity chef, Coolio thinks he can win Celebrity Big Brother despite clearly not understanding what the show actually is. Then again, Coolio also thinks he’s one of the top ten rappers ever and says his favourite thing is when people tell him that his music changed their lives, something that has obviously never happened. Already the star of one vaguely racial Celebrity Big Brother incident, he’s probably one to watch. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Dennis Rodman.

Michelle Heaton – The one from Liberty X who you’d least like to spend more than a second with for fear of lashing out at her with a hammer, Michelle Heaton is famous for hating the media, even though the media is the only thing responsible for whatever grubby sliver of fame she’s managed to accrue over the years. She used to be married to the only person in the world less famous than her, but she isn’t any more. That’s about it really. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jodie Marsh.

Terry Christian – Early 1990s TV presenter turned local radio DJ, Terry Christian still appears to be a mouthy bellend. However, he is the first Celebrity Big Brother head of house – and therefore he gets to chose the housemates who’ll be up for eviction first. There’s a chance that this will make Terry Christian the voice of the people on this year’s Celebrity Big Brother, and that honestly terrifies us. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Maggot? Pete Burns? Hard to tell at the moment.

Ulrika Jonsson – Essentially public enemy number one because she had it off with an old man and has enough babies by enough men to legitimately qualify as the Swedish Bianca Jackson, Ulrika Jonsson seems to be using Celebrity Big Brother as an attempt to break the world record for repeating the word ‘Sven’ as often as possible in a three-week timespan. More interestingly, though – doesn’t Davina McCall hate Ulrika? Wasn’t there a bit of nonsense after Stan Collymore beat Ulrika up that time? Is there going to be catfight during the post-eviction interview? We hope so, because we’ve always wanted to know who’ll win in a fight between a slag and a big crow.PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Faria Alam.

Later this week: Probably more Celebrity Big Brother rubbish. But only if you’re good.

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So what’s new with Celebrity Big Brother this year? Well, judging by Friday’s big opening episode, it’s being sponsored by a bed shop and Davina McCall has taken to dressing like a big crow. And Ulrika Jonsson’s already up for eviction. And that’s literally it.

And since nothing of interest has happened whatsoever so far, let’s get going with part one of our Celebrity Big Brother 2009 introductions, for LaToya Jackson, Mutya, Verne Troyer, Tommy Sheridan, Lucy Pinder and Ben Adams…

LaToya Jackson – Imagine being in the room when Jermaine Jackson from Celebrity Big Brother 2007 recommended Celebrity Big Brother to his sister LaToya: “Oh, it was awesome. I was trapped in a room with some genuinely objectionable arseholes – some of whom seemed a bit racist – for three weeks and I didn’t gain anything professionally from it whatsoever afterwards. You’ll love it”. Also, LaToya Jackson laughs like this: “Ehihihi! Ehihihi!” and is an idiot. That’s all. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Jermaine Jackson.

Mutya – Mutya doesn’t have a surname any more. She used to be called Mutya Out Of The Sugababes but, since the great Sugababes ugliness purge of 2005, she can’t use that name any more. We’re just joking – Mutya left Sugababes of her own accord because she had a baby and realised it was the more important thing in her life – or the second most important thing after abandoning said children to appear on pikey reality TV shows, at least. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Chris Eubank.

Verne Troyer – You’ll know Verne Troyer best as either Mini Me from the Austin Powers film or the funny bald man who tried to sue hecklerspray last year because we published a still from his yucky little sex tape. But that’s all beside the point because – Darnell-style screaming meltdown not permitting – Verne Troyer is going to win Celebrity Big Brother. This is because a) he’s obviously disabled and people will feel sorry for him and b) he looks like a baby! Ha ha ha! Look at his funny little legs! PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Mikey from last year’s Civilian Big Brother.

Tommy Sheridan – Look, there’s no point putting this any other way – Tommy Sheridan is basically George Galloway. That’s all you need to know. They’re both Scottish, both politicians, both controversial, both furious about everything and both completely ready to trade in whatever professional credibility they’ve amassed for the sake of three weeks on a reality TV show for bastards. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Haven’t you been reading?

Lucy Pinder – But if Lucy Pinder is on Celebrity Big Brother, who’s getting their tits out for Nuts? This is a disaster – she needs to be voted out as quickly as possible before thousands of lonely teenage testicles balloon up and explode in her absence. Anyway, aside from her boobs Lucy Pinder is primarily known for being duller than a filing cabinet full of bathwater – so Celebrity Big Brother is her big chance to show herself in a different light. Unfortunately, the light she’s chosen seems to be that of a genuinely unlikeable right-wing lunatic. This is going to end in tears. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Danielle Lloyd.

Ben Adams – Ben Adams is probably most famous for his stint in A1, the failed experiment in naming boybands alphabetically as if they were bloody taxi firms or something. That’s not what Ben does any more, though – now he’s a successful songwriter and producer for the likes of, um, Lisa Scott Lee. So that’s obviously working out really well for him. Ben says he doesn’t really do celebrity parties, but he’s doing Celebrity Big Brother. From this we can assume that Ben Adams is a bit of a turd. PISS-WEAK CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER FACSIMILE OF: Either Mark Owen or H from Steps. We haven’t decided yet.

Tomorrow: part two of our Celebrity Big Brother introductions. Exciting, huh?

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